We open with Sharon telling Jack that Kelly had a "really, really bad day" at the MTV Awards in Europe. Christina Aguilera had a dart board with Kelly's face on it during the show, and was throwing darts at it while making comments about Kelly. Cut to a shot of Kelly as an awkward pre-teen, all braces and Corey Haim hair. Jack blames Kelly for starting the whole thing. He then pops a zit, looks at it, and then gives a guilty look to the camera. Hi, Jack. Sharon thinks that throwing darts at someone's face is a bit much. "Well," Jack ruminates, "Kelly did call her a cunt a bunch of times." Sharon: "Well...nothing wrong with that." Crazy. Hey, but that's how it goes.
There's a new blonde assistant/nanny/poo catcher, and she's ordering a cake for Jack's birthday. Nearby -- still with arms, as far as I can tell -- is Sharon, overseeing the whole thing. Thankless Task Man introduces Sharon to the BMW people. They bought Jack a Beemer? Sharon, New Nanny, and Minnie go outside to see Jack's new ride.
Wow. My first car was an '83 Renault Alliance. When you turned the heater on, the car smelled like maple syrup. The battery had to be replaced monthly. But, you know, I suppose Jack needs all the help he can get if he wants girls to have sex with him. Nice that his parents recognize that fact. Correction. The car is a Beemer SUV. Now I hate him.
Kelly -- dressed as Biker Ms. Pac-Man -- retells the story of her evening near Christina Aguilera, and how she wanted to go up and call her a cunt again. She says she was very respectful of Christina at the American Music Awards and didn't say a word. Kelly sure looks like Ozzy these days. You think Jack looks like Sharon before all her plastic surgery? Kelly says she doesn't give a shit what Christina Aguilera thinks of her. Sharon sits and tells Kelly she's just glad she's home, and that "they" should have told Kelly what was going on. "They" is MTV, I guess. Well, they've never been deceitful, have they? Hey, have you guys seen that picture of Christina Aguilera in this week's EW? She looks like Patty LaBelle. Terrifying. Also: if I'm going off on tangents about pictures in magazines, this show must be pretty damn boring. Sharon tells Kelly what Christina said at the end of the show: "If you can give it out, you should be able to take it." Christina Aguilera has never said that many words in a row. Kelly wanted to call Christina out by saying that Christina's pissy she didn't get the publicity she wanted by making out with Madonna, so now she's trying to use Kelly to achieve the same result. We take a break from this hilarity to watch Lola butt-sniff Minnie down the hall. Thanks for that. Sharon asks Kelly if she saw Jack's car. Kelly says it's really nice, but that Jack doesn't know how to drive. "Be happy for him," Sharon says. She tells Kelly just to say it's a nice car. Kelly flies into a rage: "That's what I said!" But she points out again that he doesn't even have a license, Leeeza. Kelly's over-sarcastic teenage tone is so perfect. There's that age between fifteen and twenty when girls can be so super-mean to their parents and get this tone. And Sharon gives Kelly the look my mother used to give me when I used that tone. It clearly states, "I can't believe how much I want to slap this child who came out of my body. But if I show her my emotions she'll pounce. She can smell fear. I must remain calm." Kelly calls Jack a "poo driver." There's an "r" in there somewhere, but Kelly didn't pronounce it. Some guy in a hat drinks water and agrees with Kelly. "Look who's talking," Sharon says, covering her face. Kelly sasses that she doesn't drive seven hundred miles an hour. That's the other great thing girls at her age do -- talk in extremes. Sharon says that Jack's a good driver. "No, he's not," Kelly says, storming out.
Jack comes home and sees his car. I guess when you have that kind of money and give huge gifts like that all the time, it takes away that need to see someone's reaction to getting the gift. There's no desire to hide everybody in the garage, almost asphyxiating on carbon monoxide fumes, hoping the boy parks his bike in there like usual instead of using the front door, ruining the whole surprise. Jack is moved to say, "Awesome." Sharon is more excited, and hugs her pet sloth son. They don't even bother to hide the crew in the house anymore, do they? I've seen more boom mics and sound guys than ever before.
Jack gets into the car and thanks his mom. He kisses her on the cheek and says he likes the interior, too. He starts the engine and dances, "I got a car!" He honks the horn a few times. Jack announces that he's going to drive to Mexico and get a hooker.
On the walk back in, Jack slaughters the Toys R Us jingle, his arm around his mother.
Jack finds his father in his underwear. He thanks Ozzy for his birthday gift and hugs him.
Jack's bedroom. A random stranger is couched out. Jack asks the pj'ed Kelly what happened with Christina. Kelly calls it a publicity stunt. They discuss nipple cream and how good it is for tattoos. Kelly just got tattoos on her feet. Jack says he's getting a tattoo tomorrow, of a Jolly Roger. Kelly tries to talk him out of it. Jack delivers a monologue known as "A Pirate's Life For Me" while they play pirate music in the background. It succeeds only in making me fantasize about Johnny Depp. Kelly says he'll look ridiculous with a Jolly Roger tattoo. "No, I wouldn't," Jack says. "I'd look hot." Kelly tells Couchy that Jack didn't even know what his first tattoo meant. It's a wheel on his forearm. Kelly says it could be "the Tibetan wheel of how to suck testicles" or some shit. Jack teases Kelly for putting on an American accent. Kelly says she doesn't do that. Jack then touches his sister about her privates. He's flopping his hands alternately toward her boobs and crotch. Kelly jumps off the desk and goes into fighting mode. She kicks him.
Dogs chase each other.
Same shot of Kelly kicking. Then a punch. Jack doubles over. He lifts Kelly and throws her to the ground as someone off-camera makes a Tae-Bo joke. As Jack balls Kelly up into a defensive crouch, he pinches a nerve in her neck. She begs him to be gentle, but he says it's his birthday so he can do whatever he wants. Kelly punches Jack.
Another girl walks through the house eating bacon. This one has a green scarf. It's after 10, but Jack's asleep. GreenScarf tries to wake Jack, but then closes the door. Jack informs us that her name is Amanda, and that she's his personal assistant. (Babysitter. Semantics.) Jack tells us that Amanda handles his day-to-day stuff, and makes sure he does things on time. There's a shot of Amanda telling Jack he needs to go, and not play with his hair. "Shut the fuck up!" they make it look like Jack says. If he does, Amanda should quit. Also: what does Jack do all day that he needs a hired girlfriend for? Jack says he and Amanda get along really well. Cut to montage of Jack harassing poor Amanda, griping about an early shoot, telling her to hand in her resignation, slamming the door in her face, putting her in a headlock, and calling her a comedian. It ends with Amanda taking care of the valet, as clueless Jack appears to have forgotten what the little white ticket is for.
Here is why Jack needs an assistant: today he must decide the order of studying for the test, practice parallel parking, and then take his driver's test. He cannot make this decision on his own. Because he's richer than you are. It makes the hemispheres of the brain have difficulty in speaking with each other, you see.
And for the five minutes or so, we watch Jack attempt to parallel-park. Recapping someone driving a car is a lot like drawing someone on the phone. Why would you do that? Who does that help? What essence of American life have you captured? Where is the soul? Where's the comedy? What are we all still doing here? Why am I so broke and Jack has a BMW and an assistant? Why am I working at an hour when Jack's still got at least three more REM cycles to go? So Jack's not so good at parallel parking. So bad, in fact, that he backs into another car. A car that's completely blurred so that we can't call the cops for the driver, since Jack appears only to be concerned for his own car's damages. Amanda, amazingly, says that this wasn't Jack's fault. Jack's car is filthy. Amanda, worst teacher ever, tells Jack that everybody hits something while learning to parallel-park. Usually those things are cones. But I guess that explains why my bumpers have gotten so jacked up since I moved to Los Angeles. I don't know if they just didn't show us or what, but it appears Jack and Amanda have just driven away from the accident without leaving a note. Jack is devastated that a little piece of his car has broken. Like he's going to pay for the repairs.
Jack, lover of drama, walks in and announces he "crashed the car." Kelly gives an overjoyed "You did?" Amanda -- who would like to not be fired right now -- says that it's fine. Jack holds Sharon and says he backed up into another car and knocked something off his car. Sharon asks if he hit someone. Jack says he only hit another car. Kelly reminds Jack that he's so lucky there wasn't someone in the car to call the cops, since Jack was driving without a license. What are the odds that the guy whose car Jack hit watches this show? And he's all, "Hey! That's my car!" We can hear Amanda point out that Jack's got a learner's permit. Sharon asks Jack if the car was in the street. Jack says it was. Sharon relaxes and tells her friend to her, "Yeah, it's not your car." Jack says he's not doing a very good job at explaining this.
Jack takes an online practice test at DMV.com or whatever. He's stumped on a question concerning when to stop at railroad tracks. Ozzy asks Jack what he's doing. Jack tells him. Riveting television!
Amanda asks Jack how many practice tests he's taken. He's on his third. He's only gotten one wrong. Amanda says they should get his stuff together and "say goodbye to [his] mom." Ominous...
Ozzy tells Jack that all he can do is try. Sharon says that if she can pass a driver's test, than anyone can. Ozzy and Sharon hold their child for the last time. Jack says it's not like he's going to court or anything. Amanda and Thankless Task Man leave with Jack. Sharon tells them to call as soon as Jack passes. Ozzy: "If you don't pass, don't call."
Driving. Flag. DMV. Eye test. Jack is apparently blind. Or he doesn't know how to read. I'm guessing it's the latter.
Miraculously, the examiners let him move on to the written test. I can't believe Amanda and the camera crew can be there. When I had to take my California driver's test, they had me sequestered in a room under camera surveillance. And one day when I was in traffic court (I was in a hit and run), I watched a man on trial for getting caught with a crib sheet for his driver's test. Hee. Busted! So Jack takes his test and the music they play underneath makes it look like we're in a health class and we're watching a tape called How To Take a Test. And not for like, a second. This goes on for minutes. This show doesn't even want to be a show anymore. Jack passes his test with four answers wrong. Amazingly, we watch the entire grading process because what the fuck else were we going to do with our lives -- live?
Oh, my God. There's more. Jack goes for a driver's test. This is just like being at the DMV. I'm BORED. Jack soaks the test lady with windshield-wiper fluid. The editing guys play a little joke when Jack goes to turn on the defroster -- they play Ricky Martin's "She Bangs." Great joke -- three full years ago. Jack can't remember the never-used arm signals. The examiner gets into the car and says she's got to mark all of that off. It appears she knew she was going to be on this show but didn't want to be recognized, so she's in huge sunglasses and a wig. She jokes with Jack that she's nervous: "I don't know if you can drive!" Don't ask Kelly for a second opinion, lady.
Jack drives. And drives. And drives. I'm not going to recap this anymore. You guys -- I'll keep asking this every week until I get an answer: how is this television?
Jack passes. Gospel music plays. Amanda embraces Jack, relieved that she gets to keep her job for another day.
Jack gets his picture taken. Amanda says it's "cute."
Jack says he's so glad he can drive by himself whenever he wants: "It means you're fired, Amanda. Clear out your desk."
Jack can't believe that his Sideshow Bob hair doesn't fit in his license picture. It barely fits on my television screen, dude.
Jack tells Sharon that he only got minus four on his written test, and perfect on driving. Perfect on driving? No, he didn't. Everybody celebrates his passing his test. Jack drives and talks on the phone, pulling into traffic. Then there's the sound of a horn and tires screeching. Shot of Sharon listening. "Oh, my God..." Jack moans. Whatever. I'm so sick of the editing jokes.
week: Thank God. More Ozzy. I can't take these Jack shows. They're so fucking boring.