What are we all still doing here?
Oz and Sharon are in bed. Ozzy says Sharon has to buy another dog because they currently have thirteen and he "hates thirteen." After nine, how do you even know how many dogs you have, anyway? Sharon argues that they don't have thirteen and then counts them off, wacky montage fashion. It's only twelve. But Ozzy's using the metric system, so he thinks it's thirteen. Sharon realizes she probably skipped one. Ozzy says he needs to buy a gun. Shooting is his hobby. "So you can buy the dogs and then I'll shoot them." Crazy! Hey, but that's how it goes.
Ozzy climbs his staircase, counting off dead dogs. He points to each black and white photograph and announces, "Dead!" From somewhere in the house Sharon screams for Ozzy to shut up, as one of the dogs he declared dead apparently isn't. "The coyotes ate them all!" Ozzy says.
Sharon's in bed, doing her favorite thing: watching herself on television. She's watching herself in bed with Alec Baldwin (who, in his smoking jacket, can easily be mistaken for George Hamilton) and...who is that other girl? It doesn't matter. Sharon buries her face in her hands and then wails out to Ozzy: "Oh, Daddy!" She complains that she just got a letter informing her that she has to work harder on the show. Just getting out of bed might be working harder, Sharon. Ozzy sits on the edge of the bed to hear more details. Sharon goes from whining to cackling as she explains that the "guy" who runs everything told her she has to make her show better because people are tuning in and then tuning out. Or in the case of most people I know, never bothering to confirm that Sharon Osbourne has a talk show. Ozzy asks what more could she do. Sharon has no idea. She thinks she might have to get out her "old tits." If you have thirteen dogs, do you really need stuffed animals of dogs on tables? Sharon does. Ozzy busts into the old-guy shuffle, miming insane tap-dancing, asking if that's what they want from Sharon. That's what I want from this season of The Osbournes, that's for sure. Ozzy busts into the moonwalk. Maybe you could fall over in a chair, Sharon. That worked for Ozzy for the first season.
KTLA in Los Angeles. The tower on Sunset. Kelly, in full dominatrix gear, is talking with Sharon as she gets dressed. Kelly says something that makes me finally break down and turn on the closed captioning, because after four tries I still don't know what she says: "Please be on my show and come talk with me and Marilyn Manson." Sharon says that's exactly what she wanted to ask her daughter. "I hate you," Kelly says. She tells her mother she'll think about it. She prances around in her princess tutu while Sharon moves her chemo machine to get on her knees and beg her daughter to help her out, as she's been the manager for the rest of the family their entire lives. Kelly tells her mother to get away and runs to the closet. Sharon follows, on her knees. I guess they're not at KTLA at all. Kelly says it stinks in the closet. Sharon says she thinks Ozzy might have "dropped one" in there. Ozzy shits in his closet? Someone might want to add another medication to his list to prevent that one. Kelly says it's cheesy if she comes on her mother's show all the time. Sharon insists that it's not all the time and that this would be the last time. Kelly says she'll hold Sharon to that. Sharon promises. Kelly whines that she doesn't want to host the show with Sharon, and that she doesn't have enough time in her busy day of pouting to do something as stupid as that. Kelly screams that she doesn't want to host her mother's show. Sharon screams that it's an hour. Kelly screams back, "That's why it's the Sharon Osbourne Show!" Those two lines are then repeated five times.
“ Sharon asks him to come on her show. Jack says no and hangs up. Asshole! The Sharon Osbourne Show puts Oxycontin on your table! ”
Sharon calls her Plan C: her son. Jack's at home, not doing anything but working on his transformation into Harry Knowles, trying to master juggling with one ball. Sharon asks him to come on her show. Jack says no and hangs up. Asshole! The Sharon Osbourne Show puts Oxycontin on your table!
Ozzy talks about the amount of construction that goes on at the house. We get to see some of it in time-lapse footage. Ozzy babbles that the crew will go away, only to come back and do more major work on the house. And...scene! Such hijinks and hilarity! This show hasn't lost a step!
A big gold statue is revealed. Workers debate how to get the thousand-pound statue into the house. They decide they'll need fourteen people to carry the thing, which will lighten the load to "less than a thousand pounds per person." And...scene again! Osbournes, you're awesome!
Sharon comes home from a hard day at the office. She tells Ozzy that she wouldn't do anything they asked her to do and instead covered herself from forehead to toe in panty liners. She says they made a complaint against her today. Ozzy asks what a panty liner is. I will need worker's compensation for the following moment, when Sharon pats her vagina lovingly and says, "What you put in...when you have a period." Fuck another dog, this family needs a house gyno to explain All Things Vagina. Ozzy notes that his wife covered in feminine protection might get a few more people watching. Sharon says the man told her she has to make this show her main priority and then it'll be better. Ozzy doesn't understand. I have a feeling I'll be typing those three words more often this year. Kelly tells her not to do a third season then, and just quit. There's an idea! Sharon says she is going to quit. "Before I get fired!" She says she's pretty sure she's going to get fired. A dog barks, and Ozzy tells it to shut up. Sharon uses that segue to tell her husband she needs him to come and do the show as a guest. Ozzy says it's not his "gig" and then immediately changes the subject by yelling at a dog who bit his ass.
A gigantic man is attempting to break into Jack's room. Jack is sleeping. The guy identifies himself only as "RTG" and tells Jack it's time to go.
"Meanwhile," workers attempt to move the statue. After an "uno" and a "dos," the one guy who speaks English shouts, "Let's go!" and starts lifting. Way to give yourself a hernia, dude. Do you not even know "tres"? Jackhole. Then he's all, "If anybody has a problem, just say something." What an idiot.
Sleepy Jack works out with RTG.
“ Kelly trips over her Prada on the stairs and stubs her precious princess toe. She wails and falls and waits for someone to pick up what she dropped and carry her up the rest of the stupid stairs that she never asked to be put there anyway! She hates you! Fuck off! ”
The statue.
Jack runs while drinking a strawberry shake. I may have pinpointed the source of your weight problem, Jack.
The statue. I'm so bored, I'm now meditating.
Jack.
Statue.
Dog.
Jack tells Ozzy that it's the funniest thing that so many men have to lift the statue. Oh, it's fun when we hire cheap labor, isn't it? Ozzy is so impressed with the spectacle that he must curse. Why is this television? Ozzy, as if he heard my question, announces that this statue is a six-million-dollar Buddha. Wow. That man has way too much money. Ozzy walks around his house enjoying the way the word "Buddha" sounds when he says it. The exhausted men lower the Buddha in the backyard just in time for Ozzy to punchline, "I wanted it out in the front!" Crazy! Hey, but that's how it goes...
Ozzy makes out with his Buddha. "I've got to learn Buddhism now." I get it. It's like people out here in L.A. and the Kabala. Spend the money, then learn what the hell you've gotten yourself into.
Sharon tells an interviewer that she loves doing a show every week. Isn't it a daily show? Seriously, I didn't even realize it was actually on. I thought it was a joke. Anyway, this kicks off The Montage of Sharon's Show! Whee! A staff meeting of four people listening to Sharon complain while an MTV-worthy song narrates in the background. "Clever" editing makes it look like Ozzy hangs up on Sharon when she asks him to co-host. More montaging and editing so it looks like Sharon spends days trying to talk Ozzy into doing her show.
Kelly trips over her Prada on the stairs and stubs her precious princess toe. She wails and falls and waits for someone to pick up what she dropped and carry her up the rest of the stupid stairs that she never asked to be put there anyway! She hates you! Fuck off!
Back in bed, where this show's main set is located, Ozzy and Sharon tease Kelly about her shaggy, stupid haircut. Kelly doesn't want to take her hair out of her face. Ozzy tells her she looks like she wants to sniff another dog's ass. He asks how old she's about to be. Kelly says she'll never get to grow up anyway, and when she's fifty they'll still make her live there. Oh, right. They're making you live there rent-free. Yeah, I know how that goes. More clever editing to make it look like Sharon brings up her show again, but notice we never see anyone say these lines, and they aren't really talking about anything, or they could be talking about a charity function that Ozzy just found out about and doesn't want to attend.