“ Kelly wonders how none of them can figure out the vacuum as there is more yipping. Lord, little dog yipping is annoying. ”
So it looks like our show is a hit. Sure, The Shield, that Chiklis opus over on FX, beat its debut rating, but still, for an MTV premiere, The Osbournes did brilliantly, pulling a 2.8. Well, in this, its second episode, it pulled a 3.2. Shows generally don't go up in their second week. The power of Ozzy, once again on display.
(A tiny side note: VH1 is on mute in the background playing Blues Brothers 2000. Right now John Goodman is green and there's a kid playing congas and a trumpet player and shit. This looks, literally, like it might just be the worst movie ever made. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.)
God, when are they going to start captioning this show? All right, let's go.
Sharon asks who knows how to make the vacuum cleaner work and Ozzy, wearing an Adidas shirt, dodders over, mumbling that you just have to turn it on and make it work. A dog yips. A dog is always yipping somewhere. Ozzy bends and twists the vacuum but can't figure it out, no fucking clue what he's doing; Kelly babbles in the background about how funny that Sharon is actually going to do some vacuuming. They think they have it figured out, but both say, "No." Finally, Kelly asks, snotty, as always, "Would you like me to show you how it works?" She first asks if they plugged it in. Hee. She then says that you just step on this thing and it's supposed to work; it doesn't. After Ozzy tries to push something that isn't even a button, he gives up to go get his seventeenth Diet Coke of the day. (I'm nearly caught up with you today, Ozzy.) Kelly wonders how none of them can figure out the vacuum as there is more yipping. Lord, little dog yipping is annoying. Finally Kelly hits the right button and brats off, as if she was any less clueless about it than her parents were. Ozzy mutters in the distance as Sharon does a happy dance, and then starts vacuumingas if she has any idea what she's doing vacuuming in the first place.
Ozzy says he fucking hates the sound of the vacuum cleaner. My cat does a silent scream whenever I bust out the vacuum and runs as fast as she can. Although my cat is pretty much afraid of everything. An unexpected encounter with a lizard in my bedroom a year ago sent her off the deep end for good. Sharon vacuums everything, even the ottoman. Finally, Ozzy shouts, "Turn the fucking thing off, it's driving me mad, man!" Andscene.
Opening. Sharon. Jack. Kelly. Ozzy. The fam. What a great opening.
"Bark At The Moon" is the segment. Damn this show for always taking the good recap titles. "With special guests Elijah Wood and Hannah Wood." Frodo in the hee-zee!
No Bats Or Doves, But Everything Else
“ It's a total fucking seventh-grade drawing. It's like a scary clown with three long fingers. Man, I wish I could get a screen-capture of that. The best part is he's working at it like it's the fucking Mona Lisa. Wow, Ozzy is bored. ”
Ozzy, red tips in his hair, says, "It's like fucking Doctor Doolittle fucking house in here." Dogs wrestle. Jump. Bark. In a limo, Ozzy lifts a dog's butt to his nose and says, sniffing, "The smell of success." Nasty. The dogs being groomed. I think that was shot in these Mobile Pet Groomers they have here in L.A., which is a van they drive around and make house calls -- washing and combing the pet in the van outside your house. It's a nutty town I live in. Dog montage. Ozzy fucks with a dog. Dog fights. Dog fights. The bulldog pukes. Ozzy picks up a scared dog. The cat. Dogs jump on Sharon's bed. Ozzy picks up another scared dog. A dog statue. The alien-crested doormat: "Welcome All Species." The bulldog licks her puke. (The night I watched this episode, by the way, my cat appropriately enough took it upon herself to get in the mood and puke all over my floor. Thanks a bunch, MTV.)
The floor. Dog shit. Ozzy comes in the room, and the little spaz dog wriggles and runs away. Ozzy opens the back door and tries to get Lola, the bulldog, to go outside. She is busy chewing a glove. Ozzy keeps yelling at the dog, "C'mon, man!" and finally gives up, doddering out and yelling, "Sharon!" (Yelling "Sharon" seems to be his answer to everything, by the way. You should try it some day. See if she shows up and helps you if you yell her name.) Ozzy can't find her and comes back into the shit room, muttering about dogs and shit and the shit they're shitting everywhere. He comes back in looking like he expects the shit to have gotten up and walked out, but it hasn't. (Actually, that would partially be convenient if shit walkedbut mostly fucking terrifying.)
Ozzy sits on the couch in full mumble mode, camera-talking that it really pisses him off. He says that they paid all this money to have the house renovated, but then they might as well just live in the fucking sewer with the dogs pissing everywhere. A dog pees on the rug. The cameraman does nothing to stop it.
Ozzy sits in the kitchen, doing a drawing. Hee. Sharon putters around, announcing that Kelly just called from the pet shop. Immediately, Ozzy, already surrounded by a cat and circling dogs, yells, "No, no, forget it, no!" As Ozzy eats a Powerbar, Sharon asks if he's interested. He says, "If it's a living thing, no." It's a boy cat, she says. Ozzy begs her to listen to him and says that if she gets a boy cat, it will destroy the house. While he rants we see the cat trying to use the cat box and the retarded little black dog crawling in with the cat and sniffing its ass. Poor cat. "Cat piss is the fucking worst. Please!" He rants on that they have enough animals and "please, baby!" He then asks if Kelly has already bought it. "Na-oooooo!" says Sharon, in a way that you just know she has. She says she's just "nipping out" for a second, which sounds dirty. (Here, we get a shot of Ozzy's drawing. It's a total fucking seventh-grade drawing. It's like a scary clown with three long fingers. Man, I wish I could get a screen-capture of that. The best part is he's working at it like it's the fucking Mona Lisa. Wow, Ozzy is bored.) Sharon kisses him and he begs over and over, "Please don't let her get the cat." Meanwhile, the retarded dog is jumping up and down and yipping. Something's wrong with that dog's brain. Ozzy asks her to promise with all her heart. Sharon tells him to "try" to pick up the phone while she's out. "I'm begging you, Sharon. I'm begging you. No more animals! Please, boo," he yells after her. She says she's not getting an animal.
No Bats Or Doves, But Everything Else
“ Pip is still eating a cushion part like it's a bone. Little retard. ”
Sharon to camera, "I love animals." She runs down the animals they have in pecking order. Minnie is a little Pomeranian-looking thing who rules the roost, she says. She's top diva. We see Minnie do tricks. "She can do anything." I take that to be less a boast of her talents and more an admission that the dog is totally spoiled and untrained. Maggie is . Another rat dog. Sharon calls her "heroin chic." Crazy Baby is . Another rat dog. She's neurotic. Pip is . The 'tarded jumping dog. "Then we have the gay one," Sharon says. Hee. Martini is the name. Martini Bianco. His gay ass is a Chihuahua. Then comes Puss, the cat. Then Lulu, a weird, grunty guinea pig of a dog. She looks like a seal. Then there's Lola, the bulldog, who is cute and boisterous.
Ozzy throws Lola off a chair. The cushion is ripped to shreds. Pip bounds off with part of the cushion. Ozzy sits on the couch, mumbling some funny thing about wasting money and people thinking they have too many dogs and "we'll throw the cat in just for fun." Ozzy looks at the ruined cushion and dodders out yelling, "Sharon!" Hee.
Jack. Walking through the living room. Sharon tells him that Lola "et the fucking chair." We see Lola, asleep, her tongue sticking out of her mouth. Lola is obviously Jack's dog and he's going to have to try to save her. Sharon says something about how they're going to have to dye Lola pink because if Ozzy comes back and sees herafter a weird, out-of-place shot where Ozzy is in the room, because I don't think he's supposed to be in here for this segment, Sharon spies an injured cat outside the back door, saying how lovely it is. Jack is pissed. Sharon says she's just housing the cat until it's well, and then she's going to give it to a cat rescue. Jack says she's going to just end up keeping it, but Sharon denies it. (I don't think this is the cat Kelly called from the pet shop about. Different timeline.) Jack says that their house is dysfunctional. "Hey, excuse me. That fucking chair is dysfunctional," Sharon responds. Hee. Pip is still eating a cushion part like it's a bone. Little retard.
Sharon asks if anyone fed the dogs today. Kelly says no, that they can go without food for a day. I see she can't, as she's stuffing something into her face. Sharon asks again. "No!" brats Kelly. Kelly then comes over and tells Sharon, "My thong is so far up my crack right now, I couldn't pull it out." Lord almighty. Even Lola looks disgusted. Sharon says she'll "cut it out," and Kelly runs. Sharon then tells her that she's going to get a yeast infection. I can't believe I have to write this. Makes everything on Temptation Island 2 seem G-rated. Kelly brags that she's never had a yeast infection, and Sharon motheringly replies, "Well you fucking will, missy." Sharon doesn't know how anyone can wear those; she thinks underwear lines are sexy. Sure, in 1978. Kelly then ups the ante by informing us that Aimee, unseen (smart) daughter, wears a thong every day and right now is wearing one of Kelly's (how does she know?) which means, she helpfully explains, that it's been up her crack and now it's up Aimee's and she's not "down with that." I think I saw this exact same conversation on 7th Heaven last week.
Ozzy walks into a room, shouting, "Who pissed? Who pissed on my fucking carpet? That bastard fucking dog, man!" He shouts at the puddle of pee as if it will tell him who did it. He says he's going to throw the dog in the fucking pool and then chases Pip (?) out of the room, running almost like a sixty-year-old! Spry for Ozzy. He calls after them that they're doggie terrorists. "He's fucking part of bin Laden's gang." Hee. Goddamn.
Now Sharon is cleaning up the piss and Ozzy is ranting, sounding very Austin Powers to this untrained ear. "Why do they do it, Sharon. What's the deal, man?" Lord. They try to sort out why dogs have it in for antique rugs, and Ozzy has to sit down to ponder this. He says that it's not little squirts, but a massive piss. He thinks the dog has an "extra tank in his ass." "Like a camel!" offers Sharon, now using a little white towel. Ozzy tells Sharon to "press down, don't rub it." (Which is also a disgusting sentence when you think about it.) Ozzy then freaks when he sees Sharon is using his monogrammed towel. Hee. How very J. Crew of him.
The kids plus random kids, getting ready to go out. They wonder what Lola is chewing on, and then declare that Lola is "cool." Curfew discussion. Yeah, 2:30 AM is so rough, man. Sharon tells them not to drink, and Kelly reveals that she's the designated driver.
No Bats Or Doves, But Everything Else
“ Um, somehow I don't think you all out there should take traffic law advice from Jack Osbourne, but maybe that's just me. ”
Cut to Kelly at the end of the block, getting pulled over. Hee. Kelly smirks. The friends all sit in the back seat, laughing. Jack just stares smugly, ready to use this as ammunition
Back at the house. Ozzy mutters about coffee, walking past his groovy little crystal mini Eiffel Tower. He sniffs under his arms and declares, "I love the smell of armpits in the morning. It's like victory." Robert Duvall is rolling in his grave. Oh, he's not dead? Never mind. Kelly rolls her eyes. Ozzy asks Kelly what she has in her hair. She says that it's a flower. Ozzy says something that I'm sure is disgusting, but have no luck in deciphering. Kelly rolls her eyes at whatever it is, which she does no matter what Ozzy says, so who knows. Now they discuss Kelly having gotten a ticket last night; Jack says she's going to have to go to traffic school. That might be the only school where Kelly wouldn't be made fun of. Kelly thinks you only have three weeks in which to do it, and then tells her parents she didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign. I don't think I've come to a complete stop at a stop sign since I was eighteen, and that's because I fell asleep. Sharon rewards her daughter with a hug. They discuss the "point" system, which I've never really understood. By way of defense, Kelly says that all her friends have like seven points on their license. Seven? My friend tried to outrun three cops, hit ten parked cars, and then got out and ran, and he only got two points. Kelly's friends must be murderers. Melinda walks by. MTV does a quick fake mug shot of Kelly. Stupid. Now Ozzy says that Kelly's fucked as Jack claims he heard that, if no one is coming, you just have to yield. Um, somehow I don't think you all out there should take traffic law advice from Jack Osbourne, but maybe that's just me. Kelly thinks with her luck they'll make an example of her and take her license if she gets another point. Ozzy then asks if she's a good driver. Kelly says, "I'm pretty shitty but I'm all right."
Now Ozzy looks at Pip sleeping on a bag and complains that you can train a dog to balance four balls on his head, but you can't train it to open a door. Sharon offers that he can't even shit outside. Ozzy says the dog took a shit, and Sharon asks if that was last night. Ozzy is trying to say something and Kelly talks over him and then Ozzy mumbles that he must be boring. Sharon puts on her stupid voice and says that Ozzy is the "bestest husband and father in the world" and they love him. Ozzy pouts, "I feel like I'm invisible." Immediately the whole family tells him to shut up.
Kelly walks down a hall, looking for a friend. Meanwhile, Lola takes a massive shit in a room. Right on the floor. Lord. It's really disgusting. Thanks, MTV. No breakfast for me now.
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Downstairs, Ozzy watches the History Channel catatonically, listening about serpents and gods and Israel. Upstairs, Sharon tells Jack to clean up the shit, and Jack says he'll do it when he's done getting ready. Jack starts singing "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and Sharon tells him immediately to shut up. I wish someone had told that to the Baha Men when they first came up with the song. Sharon walks away from him, telling him to clean the shit up now. Jack says she's doing the "Hoochie Mama" and starts wiggling his neck. Jack then goes and tries to clean up the shit but abandons it, saying, "That's tough."
Downstairs. Hey, it's Elijah Wood! Jack introduces Elijah to Ozzy, and Elijah starts to explain that he's Hannah's brother, but Ozzy's already walked away. Hee. They tell him that they're going to go see Billy Corgan's new band. They have to explain to Ozzy who that is. (Oh man, the best episode ever would be if they brought Billy Corgan over to the house and saw what happens. Do it, MTV! Do it!) Finally Ozzy makes the Corgan/Pumpkins connection and makes a face.
The kids. Later. Frodo asks how a dog who looks like that could be named Lola, and Kelly whines that it's a cute name. They report to an eager-to-hear Sharon that the music was "poppy." Kelly thought it sucked, but Sharon tells her that she's just prejudiced. Kelly goes on that it was boring, like elevator music. Suddenly, Sharon starts screaming, having discovered that Lola just pissed on the couch. She yells that she can't take this anymore, as Lola stands on the coffee table licking an US Magazine. Jack laughs, and Elijah says that it doesn't smell that bad. They all start cleaning, including Hannah Wood. Jack says that Lola is a puppy, and they all balk at that. Then Elijah gets into the fun and starts cleaning piss cushions, whistling while he cleans. Hee. Commercials.
Ozzy holds the gay dog. Dog montage. Barking and biting. Lola keeps chasing every dog. More dog montage. Kelly plays with the little seal dog, and then one of the dogs sneezes in her hand.
Now Sharon and Kelly sit on the stairs, and Sharon camera-talks that last night they'd made the decision that Lola had to go. Kelly says, "No!" Sharon continues that last night Lola shat in two rooms. She says it was like an alien on the floor. Kelly mocks her mom as she repeats, "She has got to go." But then Sharon says Ozzy was walking down the stairs and said, "Don't get rid of Lola. I love her." Kelly can't understand how you can just get rid of a dog you love. Sharon tries to explain. "She shits aliens." (That's the name of my fourth album.) She goes on that Lola eats everything. "But she's so cute," says Kelly. Suddenly, Minnie, sitting on Sharon's lap, starts barking possessively at Kelly. Kelly says that Minnie is an evil cow who just likes all the attention. They have a stand-off as Sharon tells Kelly that the dog is about to make a leap for her nose. Minnie barks some more. Man, I hate little dogs.
“ Ozzy says that Lola is destructive, and that she urinates on Jack's bed. (Dude, I think that may be Jack just blaming it on the dog. The kid has issues.) ”
Now Sharon tells Ozzy that she's having a dog therapist over. Ozzy can't understand it, telling Sharon that they don't need a therapist, that Sharon just has to get up at seven and open the fucking door. Sharon lets the dog trainer in. Her name is Tamara. She's blonde and, like, Swedish or some shit. Tamara sees all the dogs, and then when Sharon tells her that they all piss and shit on the floor except for the cat, I think she rethinks her decision to take this job. Ozzy comes in, and they meet. His solution, he says, is to take a piece of wood and whack the dog on the back of the head. Tamara laughs nervously. Now Tamara tells Ozzy that he has to be more important in the dogs' lives. Ozzy yells back. Hee. She says that the dogs are spoiled. No shit, Abba.
Jack has now come in to listen to the crazy dog trainer with the stupid accent as Ozzy complains that the bulldog is insane. Tamara thinks the dog is cute -- meanwhile, the dog is trying to eat the leg of the little seal dog. Ozzy says that Lola is destructive, and that she urinates on Jack's bed. (Dude, I think that may be Jack just blaming it on the dog. The kid has issues.) Tamara launches into an explanation that the dogs have the "wiring" of wolves; they have their needs taken care of for them but still have wiring to go hunt. "I think she's a fucking fruit loop," camera-talks Ozzy. Hee. Tamara tells a rapt Sharon that she's the leader of the dog pack. Ozzy mumbles, "I thought I saw it all but now I have a fucking dog therapistfucking hell." Tamara teaches Lola to sit, pretending that she's doing something difficult and actually making progress, when any dog has to sit if you hold the treat up high enough in front of its eyes.
Tamara is leaving, saying that Lola did well. Just then, Lola pisses on the rug, and Tamara runs after the dog. Everyone laughs. Tamara, trying not to get fired, says that they haven't worked on housebreaking yet. Sharon calls Lola a shithead. Ozzy dodders over and says, "See you Tamara!" He's been thinking of that joke all day. Sharon walks Tamara out, who is still trying to save her job. Sharon then calls Ozzy back into the room to explain, laughing, what happened with the irony of Lola being praised and then pissing on the rug. Ozzy has no idea what she's saying and then repeats his joke to the camera: "See you Tamara." Everyone laughs again, politely. It's like watching Bob Hope during a K-Mart commercial shoot.
Sharon takes something out of the oven and tells Jack that Ozzy is not going to find out about the cat. Now Ozzy walks into the room and sees two cats sitting on the table. We get a repeat of Sharon promising she's not going to bring home another cat. Ozzy yells, "Sharon!" Hee. It was totally a manufactured bit, but funny anyway.
The cats run around the yard, chasing each other. One of the cats falls a long way out of a tree.
No Bats Or Doves, But Everything Else
week. The fam sits outside. Sharon says, "Doesn't he look handsome." Ozzy replies, "Oh, shut the fuck up!" Jack heads off on a school camping trip. He flips off the camera as the school bus drives off. He then says he's going to be in so much trouble. Sharon explains that the rest of the family is going to New York with Ozzy to do press for his new album. Quick montage of Ozzy doing press. On TRL. Et cetera. Back at home, it's Kelly's birthday and she gets a tattoo. Ozzy, having fun, says that she has to call Sharon and tell her. Kelly calls Sharon, who's getting her hair done at the time. She's pissed. Ozzy says that it's not that bad, that she could have gotten a picture of a fucking eagle on her ass. Hee. And that's it! Later.