I'll tell you, I don't blame any of the Osbournes' earlier chaos on them; I just moved, and it's a bitch. And we're having to get used to all the same sort of things the Fam did, except there is no pool to fill, it's hard to fight over bedrooms when there are only two, and we don't have to throw ham at the neighbors. Yet.
New York. The Peninsula Hotel. The Fam is packing up; well, Sharon is packing up and Jack and Ozzy are standing around. Sharon describes how one of their eleven tour truck drivers got into an accident yesterday. Ozzy immediately guesses that the driver was drunk or stoned. Sharon says, "Getting a blowjob from a hooker while he was driving the cab." Ozzy deadpans, "Ah. That'll do it." (Like, he's probably done it three or four times.) Jack goes, "Yea!" while Sharon goes on that the driver was naked when the cops came. Ozzy is not that amused. Sharon continues that when the ambulance came he was totally naked in the middle of winter in Connecticut. Lord, it's hard to find good help these days.
Opening credits.
"A Very Ozzy Christmas" is the first segment. Shot of Manhattan at night. During a Christmas At Night In New York montage, they tell us that Louis Osbourne, a.k.a. Son Ozzy Hates, will be a special guest star. Ozzy then breaks the montage of good will by telling us that he hates Christmas with a passion.
It looks like they're on a tour bus in New York, and Sharon is on the phone as usual. Jack eats ribs, saying, again, "Yea," as Ozzy wonders what the fuck is that. Ozzy then starts singing the "I want my baby back, baby back" song. Hell, the Chili's people already got to *NSYNC, why not Ozzy ? Sharon then asks us if we all know Michael The Security Guy. We see a quick shot of him showing off his blood clot and then playing pool in the house. Sharon gleefully continues that Michael has just been arrested for robbing the house in back of theirs. Shot of Michael laughing. Hee.
Back in the bus, Sharon finishes on the phone as Jack wiggles in anticipation of learning what's happened. Sharon cackles as Jack shakes her. Sharon says that workers or staff were running the waterfall at the house because it's working now, and the people were wondering why Michael was there because he wasn't scheduled yet. He was there with his son, by the way, in back of the guest house. Then they left, and the cops came by later saying they'd just arrested Michael and had him in the back of the cruiser. During all this, the bus is pulling up to the show.
Ozzy gets off the bus, yelling back for Sharon to see if his watch is gone from the bedside table. Hee. Then he comes back on the bus, telling Sharon to check his jewelry also. Sharon says she'll call right away. (He wasn't even caught robbing their house, though. Poor Michael.) Ozzy goes on that if it's gone he's going to whack the cocksucker. (Such mobster talk from the Ozzman.) Ozzy then comes back once more and says that he has his gold belt with him, but Sharon needs to check everything else. Hee.
Cut to Sharon, still smiling. She says that she might be naïve and it might seem crazy, but she thinks Michael really liked them and wouldn't want to steal from them. Ozzy watches, gaping, as Sharon obviously talks on the phone. She says that Ozzy isn't going to believe it, and suddenly Ozzy thinks Michael was caught with the gold belt he said that he has with him. Sharon corrects him that Michael was wearing an Ozzy t-shirt when he was caught. Hee.
Concert. Ozzy rides in on the sleigh. A girl sitting on a boyfriend's shoulders like the days of yore (except her titties aren't exposed) makes a crucifix pose as Ozzy tells the crowd that they rocked. Then the girl, suddenly unhappy, spits fake snow out of her mouth. Not so rock and roll now, huh, Lita?
Bus. Ozzy congratulates Sharon on yet another tour together. Jack wonders how many this makes. Ozzy bitches, "I don't know. But I'm still fucking broke." Hotel. A bodyguard leads Ozzy over so he's not mobbed. Man, I bet after this show he has to hire a few more. Poor rich, famous Ozzy.
Now in the hotel, Sharon camera-talks that she loves Christmas…particularly because it gives her another excuse to shop. Some Asian bellhop girl brings in three massive shopping bags. Ozzy wonders what the fuck is this as the bellhop lady laughs and leaves. Sharon dances around the question until she says this one is…"a black bag," jokes Ozzy. Sharon says the first is for Smithee…and Ozzy says the others are for his twin and then his triplet. Sharon actually says she has no idea what's in the third. Someone laughs. There are always so many people around -- that, or the camera crew never learned how not to laugh during filming. Ozzy gets serious and says that this looks dangerous for him. Sharon says she can't fucking eat it or fucking wear it (ah, but can she fucking fuck it?) so it's not for her. Ozzy says that the bags have a whole "Gucci vibe," so his balls are touching the back of his neck. Man, what a funny, but fucking weird dude. I'm going to so miss this show.
Ozzy now sits us down and camera-talks that when he was a kid, he'd get a "smelly old sock" with some nuts, a couple pennies, and an apple or orange in it for Christmas, and that was it. I wonder if little Ozzy ever dreamed back then that he'd be worrying whether his personal security guard stole his gold belt?
Now Sharon tries to work some more as Ozzy keeps pressing a dancing James Brown Doll that sings, "I feel good!" over and over, staring challengingly at Sharon (Ozzy, not the doll). Sharon tells him to stop and then threatens to put a plastic bag over her own head.
Later. Sharon asks Jack why Ozzy is so pissy. Jack says that Ozzy is worried how they're going to fit all the bags on the plane. (Man, I bet in a way things were easier for Sharon when he was fucked up all the time. Sure, he wasn't responsible with the kids and tried to kill her every once in a while, but at least his brain didn't need to find tiny things to obsess about. On second thought, maybe I should start doing drugs.) Sharon says that everything will fit. Jack concurs with Ozzy, saying they'll have to tie them to the wings with duct tape. Sharon hits Jack in the face with a stocking, and then lies that she didn't mean to. Jack laughs, loving the Mommy Attention more than life itself. If he got more, he wouldn't have to pee the bed so much.
Hotel room. James Brown Doll plays and sings as Ozzy dances along. Fucking funny shit. Ozzy thinks the doll is the coolest thing ever. Jack puts an "Ozzy Saves" sticker up in the room. Nice souvenir for the maid staff to have to scrape off the mirror. Thanks, Jack.
As Ozzy dodders around, Sharon describes how she loves Christmas because the Fam can all eat together, the kids can then go out, and she and Ozzy can stay in with the animals and have a nice, quiet evening. Ozzy stares at Sharon and says, "Well, you can keep on fucking wishing because it ain't gonna happen." Sharon says she knows, and that everyone will fight, call each other "bastards," and then go to sleep early. Hee.
They carry the bags out, James Brown Doll sticking out of a shopping bag. They load the bus as fans wait outside and throw stuff in Ozzy's face for him to sign. He ignores them all. Airport. Carrying shit. Sharon is psyched to see Minnie. (What about, like, your daughter? Aren't you psyched to see her?) The tiny plane is loaded and flies off as we sail into commercials.
Back. House. They arrive home and Sharon screams at Minnie, picking her up and kissing her all over. The dogs are freaking out. Ozzy holds the little seal dog Lulu and sings, "Lulu was my lover. Lover like no other. Lulu was my girlfriend. Loved her till the ending." Sharon watches, laughing. A dog licks and kisses Ozzy all over, seriously making out with him. Ozzy walks away and then coughs. Hee.
Ozzy sits at his art studio table, drinking coffee. He wishes Sharon a Merry Christmas and hugs her. He tells her how much he loves her…and then says, "Now fuck off."
Kelly unwraps presents as she tells Lulu that it's Christmas. Unwrapping montage! Someone gets a pocket watch. Ozzy makes out with another dog. Kelly flips through a journal. Melinda is there, wishing she got presents too. The dog wears a sweater. Ozzy pretends to drink from a vase. Kelly gets a fuzzy purse. SOH wishes he got some gifts also. Louis hugs Sharon.
Sharon then deadpan camera-talks how Louis is Ozzy's eldest son from his first marriage, then says that he's a big part of their family. (She doesn't, however, say that she likes him. At all.)
Jack laughs over breast-shaped pasta. Sharon gives SOH a look that could kill.
Ozzy gets a framed photo of his mother when she was sixteen. He says it's the fucking nicest thing. Unless you hate your mom, and then a Playstation 2 would be a much better gift.
Kitchen. Sharon asks if you wear stupid hats in America for Christmas. Melinda says that they do in England. Or maybe she's talking about the traditions of BadNannyland. Ozzy wanders into the kitchen as Sharon tells him how much she likes his outfit. Kelly shakes her head for some reason. Ozzy then asks if he can help out; they say no. Ozzy then sharpens the knife and begins cutting the ham, singing, "Always look on the bright side of life." Sharon winces, whether at singing or his carving noises, I'm not sure. Or maybe she's wincing about the stupid crown she's wearing.
Jack sits at the table with his camera, yelling for everyone to come in. Meanwhile, Ozzy makes gravy. At the table, SOH sits; Kelly bitches that it's a shitty Christmas already. They tell her to shut up.
Ozzy finishes with the gravy, telling some dude that they make a great gravy team. Ozzy goes on, "International rock star…gravy-maker extraordinaire."
Table. Kelly shovels food into her face, asking the boys to pass the mashed potatoes. No one else is at the table yet and they tell her to wait to eat. She makes a face. Hee.
On her bed, Kelly camera-talks that she hates Christmas. She says you just sit around the table with your family and see how long before you start arguing about stupid shit.
Cue argument about stupid shit: Kelly says she doesn't think they've ever used a lazy susan before. Jack says they have; they used it at Thanksgiving. "No we didn't." "Yeah we did," they trade for a while. Back and forth. SOH looks off to the kitchen, wondering when the fuck he'll be saved. They then discuss mashed potatoes.
Finally everyone is sitting down. Melinda wishes everyone a Merry Christmas. Ozzy says his gravy is great and mumbles that he's going to start cooking again. No, he's not. He then compliments Melinda and Steve (?) on the turkey. Everyone claps. Then: "We did a great job there with that gravy!" Hee.
Everyone eats. Ozzy mentions the gravy a couple more times. Jack wonders what is it with Ozzy and the gravy, and Ozzy jokes that there's cat shit and other stuff in the gravy. They like the cat shit. Ozzy then goes on to make dirty giblet jokes, which makes everyone sick. Ozzy again mentions the gravy, and Sharon says she's going to have to hear about the gravy all year now. Ozzy doesn't get it.
Ozzy then opens champagne. The cork flies, and Sharon says that was good -- that it hit the ceiling and the vase and the floor. Kelly says it tastes like fizzy piss. Everyone then asks for some fizzy piss. Jack begins talking and then Louis throws a biscuit at him -- Jack grabs his ear, though it hit him in the chest. What a weirdo. Jack says something about a picture looking like someone on his door, as Ozzy tells the Fam that it's just past five and there already is a rumbling of a family feud. Commercials.
Ha. No shit. Chili's is a sponsor of the show. Fucking hell. I can't believe MTV would do something corporate and sleazy. Go figure.
Back. House. Night. Lights everywhere. Sharon says something about drinking and singing. She says she wants to get some bells and start singing. Melinda tries to deflect the horrible idea by suggesting putting some music on, as Kelly says she'll leave if Mom sings. Mom sings. Ozzy stares at her and then says, "Don't you start fucking singing. The fucking birds will die." Hee. Sharon is drunk -- she immediately launches into talking about Christina Aguilera singing Christmas songs and how she wanted to hurt herself when she heard it. Ozzy wonders what they're talking about, and Kelly demonstrates Christina singing "Jingle Bells." Everyone laughs. Kelly says that she seriously wanted to stab herself. Jack, for no reason, flips Kelly off. She tells him to "seriously" get the stick out of his ass. Ozzy tells them not to start, as Jack deadpans that she's always talking about putting things in people's asses and maybe she should look into that. They debate whether telling Jack to go "fuck himself" is better than telling Jack the thing with the stick in his ass. Sharon thinks she said "dick." Hee. Jack tells Kelly she said dick as Ozzy babbles in the background. It's mayhem as the kids yell "dick" and "stick" back and forth. Ozzy does a double Jack Benny take as he looks at his watch and says it's a family record. "Fucking hell," he says. "The family feud is on." (No, Louie Anderson. We weren't calling for you. Go away. Leave the craft services table alone.) Sharon claps as Kelly melodramatically gets up and says she's going upstairs. Everyone yells at Kelly that she's a drama queen. Jack says that the Academy Awards aren't for another couple months. Kelly says she's going to a movie and Sharon says she's not, because it's "fucking Christmas." Then all the family discuss what a pain in the ass Kelly is, and she yells that when they talk about her they should make sure she's not still in the room. They say they knew she could hear, but then she brats that she heard her name and couldn't help but listen. Jack says he thought she was going upstairs. "I did!" she yells. Man, it's just like Christmas at my house. Except there was a lot more drinking -- and it sure as hell wasn't fizzy piss.
Jack opens the door to some girl. I'm sure I should know who she is, but I don't. She introduces her three young cousins, who shake Jack's hand limply.
Sitting room. Ozzy sits with Sharon and Kelly and those girls. Poor Ozzy; I'm sure he'd rather be alone watching some Chris Farley DVDs. Instead he's discussing how one of the girls got caught smoking weed. They all pick their nails and low-talk as Kelly says her mom always begged Kelly to just be honest and tell her if she ever was doing stuff like that -- and then when she admitted getting caught smoking weed, she called every friend's parents. Sharon laughs her ass off and then corrects that she just got the school directory and called every parent and said that they gave her daughter pot until she got the right kid -- assuming a parent was going to confess. That's fucked up, man. So many kids got in trouble because of those phone calls, no doubt. Kelly says Sharon could have just asked her. Ozzy then asks if Sharon found the kid, and Sharon says that she did, and she told him that she was going to cut his underage dick off and shove it down his throat. Yikes. (And who claims Sharon isn't fucking scary?)
So now the girl -- her name is Jessica (is she a friend or a relative?) -- she interrupts and says that she doesn't like the "redness." Kelly hits her and tells her that she's rude; she's talking about Ozzy having red hair. Sharon asks why as Ozzy asks if he can say something and says, "Mind your fucking own business." Jessica says that she's just being honest, and then screeches that Kelly is hurting her. Kelly complains again about the rudeness and Jessica then brats, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ozzy stands up and looks at his non-stolen-by-Michael watch and says, "It's on!" They laugh that the Christmas fight has started. Then Ozzy, still smiling, walks away, saying he's done with the whole lot of them. Jessica says she loves him. What? Ozzy just says that she's "screwy." Jessica bails for a bit, leaving her gaping cousins sitting there. Kelly bitches to Sharon how rude it was (it's pretty cute how she's rushing to defend Daddy) and then says that she wouldn't go to Jessica's father and say, "I don't like the baldness. Maybe you should get a fucking toupee." Hee. Okay, that's good. Sharon falls off the couch laughing.
Night. "Jingle Bells" montage as Jack and SOH jump into the pool, Ozzy eats, Melinda cleans, and the boys frolic some more in the kitchen. Some more girls are over, and Ozzy walks away from them. Jack then shows Sharon a tiny fold-out knife that someone gave him for Christmas. Sharon says that it's very nice but he can't go out with it. "Oh, shut up," says Jack. "Shut up," responds Mom. She continues, "Don't tell me to shut up, or I'll beat you." Jack claims that the blade is small enough that it's not illegal. Sharon repeats that he can't go out with it and that she'll tell the cops to keep him if he gets locked up; Jack counters that the way Mom drives, she shouldn't be allowed out with her car, since it's then also a deadly weapon.
Sharon then asks Ozzy's advice, yelling again that he can't go out with it. Dill is in the background. Ah, maybe Dill gave him the knife. What a Dill. Ozzy dodders over and takes the knife and walks away. "I'm not going out with it!!!" screeches Jack; man, he's in love with whoever gave him the knife. (Dill, I'm looking in your smelly direction.) While they all yell at each other, they have the poor maid trapped in the pantry, trying to get past. Hee. They're not even acknowledging her. Finally Ozzy lets her past, and she jumps when Jack screams and points at how fucked up they're being. Damn, that's funny. Jack keeps complaining and then locks Mom and Dad in the pantry with the lights off. They scream for someone to open the door -- the cameraman? -- and then it's opened and Ozzy quickly hides the knife in the huge pantry. (Ozzy keeps wearing 9/11 and fireman-themed t-shirts. What a good guy. Terrible fashion sense, those, but he's a great guy for it.)
Dill is babbling somewhere as Ozzy comes out of the pantry, walking casually past Jack. Jack looks in the pantry, then hits the wall in frustration. Ozzy goes to watch TV, passing some girls. Kelly comes by, and Jack tells her that Johnny or Jody gave him a little knife but the parents "fucking" took it away. Ozzy then comes back to the pantry as Jack tries to run past him. Ozzy grabs him and smiles as Jack gets free. Ozzy then yells across the room, "If you get busted, I'll fucking bust your ass!" Dogs are barking as Ozzy yells for him not to go out with a knife. He then goes on, "Don't go out with a fucking t-shirt with cocaine on your fucking t-shirt and a…give me the fucking knife." Man, Ozzy is pissed! Jack moans and then gives him the knife and runs off, pissed. Kelly and the girls watch as dogs yip and the poor maid cringes. Sharon then goes off that Jack has an Army haircut, a cocaine t-shirt, and a knife. She says that the police will look at him and arrest him. Ozzy puts the knife in a drawer, then changes his mind and sticks it in the fruit bowl. Good job, Ozzy.
Now Ozzy is putting money into a slot machine as he camera-talks. (Why does Ozzy have a…oh, never mind.) Ozzy tells us that he doesn't give a fuck if Jack hates him, that going out looking like that he's asking for a black eye or at least spending a night in the can. (I swear, it took ten minutes to figure out what the fuck he was saying right there.) But the best part is that at the end of it, some money comes out of the slot machine and Ozzy goes, all happy, "I just won!"
Day. Sharon and Kelly are pulling out as an un-uniformed Michael shows up. Yeah, Michael! "How you doin', Miss Kelly?" he says. Sharon asks, "So they arrested you?" Michael says that they threw him in the county jail for the night. Michael says that he's never been in that man's house, that the cops made a mistake and then tried to be nice to him. He goes on that he already got a lawyer and filed a civil case. Of course he did. He adds that he had his son with him and the cops could have killed them, as they had their guns drawn. (Well, yeah -- they were arresting you.) Kelly looks shocked. Michael then goes on that he knows everyone around here and that he would never do anything like that. Sharon says that she'll call him Wednesday and they'll work something out. (He's so never coming back to work for them.) Michael tries to save his job, saying he missed them and sent them a card. Michael limps off, giving us the peace sign. And that's it! Quick Christmas montage, ending with a shot of the Fam in front of the house. "Merry Christmas, From the Osbournes," it reads. Done!
week. "A very special season-ending episode." No, I thought they were making more! Ozzy sits down and is served a meal in a controlled set-like environment. He has Diet Coke in a wine glass and gets some nice sorbet. Ozzy says that by the time you get old enough to know what it's all about, you die. "Dinner with Ozzy," another graphic reads, as Ozzy asks the server if he can have some Equal. Rock and roll! He says that he doesn't know what a typical American family is, because the way he lives is normal to him. Kelly tells Jack that she doesn't know what it's going to take to get him to stop playing with guns. Jack, in his full Army get-up, says it was just a pellet. Kelly says, "It went through my fucking leg." Ozzy goes on that he doesn't know how he's lasted. A cat jumps onto a mantle in the house and falls off. People are screaming as the cat is now stuck up on top of the thing. I guess it's a stray that invaded the house. Jack, all scared, tells Ozzy to squeeze a squeaky toy at the thing to scare it. It doesn't work. People scream as Ozzy shakes the mantle. "We're the Osbournes," he tells us. "And I love it." More shaking the mantle. "Stop screaming!" he yells. And that's it!