The best thing about recapping The Osbournes instead of Road Rules, aside from the fact that it’s a gazillion times superior, managing not only to be watchable -- which would have been a mere pipe dream for Road Rules -- but actually quite well-crafted, popular, and always entertaining…the best thing is that my cat apparently can put up with the show! She hasn't puked on me once, which was a weekly event during the Six of Suck's reign, and her general disposition is much better. It's gone from openly hostile to just furtive and surly.
We open with Ozzy on his tour bus, talking into his cell phone. He repeats, "Hello, Sharon?" over and over, until he calls for Bitch Boy Tony. Tony takes the phone and promptly gets someone on the other line. He hands it back to Ozzy, who predictably gets nothing. He continues to try to talk to dead air (much like my Great Grandmother, but then again, she's 91) as Bitch Boy Tony laughs. Theme song.
The title is "…Must Come Down" and the sad lounge music takes us to a shot of the beach and then Sharon. Sharon talks about how they're in Malibu in their beach house. That's just fucking unreal. You guys realize that Malibu is about fifteen miles from their other house? How rich are you when one of your "vacation" homes is reachable from your main house by Razor scooter? Sharon talks about how they're going back to their main house but they keep this when they need quiet time. The captioner writes "recuperating," but they cut the word out of the audio, which leads me to believe they're trying to keep what we all have known for six months a secret…for at least another segment.
Jack voice-overs that Ozzy is on tour doing, as the captioner calls it, "Oz Feast," and Kelly is in New York recording her album. Meanwhile, Jack is on the beach wearing a Tenacious D shirt. He says he's on vacation, and then emerges from a car carrying a surfboard. Someone gave him the board and now he can't get enough. He walks to the water, running into Brandon from Incubus on the way, who either has a hideously ugly mole on his ear, or he's wearing some fucked-up pseudo-tribal earrings that no white boy should ever attempt to wear. Either way: yikes. Brandon and Jack chat about the surf conditions, and then walk on, like minor figures in the music industry passing in the night.
Then Sharon, looking quite gorgeous but thin, tells us that she never goes to the doctor, but finally Ozzy wore her down like "Chinese Water Torture," making her promise to go. Sharon walks on the beach as she continues in voice-over that the doctor has found that she had a low blood count and figured she must be bleeding from somewhere, and then eventually found that she had cancer in her colon. She goes on that she knew, somehow, and then laughs that she can live with it. People ask her, "Oh Sharon, how's your asshole doing today?" She continues to laugh, and seriously, I don't know what drugs she's on or what guru she went to or what God she found so many years ago to make her who and how she is, but I want some.
New York. Kelly, with Bad Nanny, picks out clothes in her closet while she talks to her mom on the phone. Sharon is saying that she booted everyone out of the house, and that she's on pain pills. Kelly looks worried. Sharon says she's not frightened or scared or anything. Kelly says she loves her, and then hangs up. "I fucking hate Aimee and Jack!" she yells to Bad Nanny. She goes on that if Melinda's mother was going to have something implanted in her chest, wouldn't she want to be there? Melinda says yes, being a nice enough Nanny not to point out that Kelly, herself, isn't there either. (And yes, I know it's a five hour flight, but travel is a whole a fucking different ballgame when you go from limo to private jet and back again.)
In a doctor's office, Sharon flirts mercilessly with her doctor, Gabriel, who is giving her her first treatment of some kind. Sharon refers to herself as a "virgin" and coos, "Be gentle, Gabriel." There's some woman in the room with her and Sharon goes through a thing where she unbuttons her top and continues to make sex jokes. Okay, maybe I'll just take half of whatever Sharon is on. Sharon lies back watching a cooking show as the doctor gets ready to go ahead with the procedure. Sharon then asks the woman if she can have Gabriel every time. The woman says that she can request him. Done and done, smiles Sharon.
Beach. Sharon walks with one of the dogs. She voice-overs that she's going to get through the chemo and everyone is just going to have to get back to doing what they normally do in life. That sentiment is cut with a shot of the dog shitting on the beach. Hee. And then to a sign about cleaning up after your dog, which Sharon does not do. Boo. Bad, Sharon. She camera-talks about how when you think life is going great, there's a bump in the road to remind you of stuff.
Kelly, lying down looking ill, says that when she found out it was like she'd been stabbed in the chest.
Jack, on the beach, says it was a big shock.
Sharon goes on that Ozzy was going through a detox (Again!? Number what, forty-seven?) so he wasn't at his strongest. He lethargically, drunkenly flips the camera off. He then runs around the stage, singing vaguely off key, and thanks the audience. Backstage he says that it sucked, and then goes on a tirade to Bitch Boy about how he's still detoxing and he's tired and he doesn't want to be here. Bitch Boy says that they could just cancel and go back to Los Angeles, but Ozzy says he also doesn't want to cause Sharon any more stress than the stress she's already under.
Sharon informs us that Robert (not the young Robert, but some older dude) came along on tour with Ozzy to try to keep him sober. Backstage, Robert gives Ozzy a hug. Sharon explains that Ozzy was "self-medicating" (we see him drinking) because of everything that was going on with her. Now backstage again, Ozzy talks to One Robert At A Time about the bat-biting stuff. Ozzy stops, realizing One Robert At A Time has no idea what he's talking about. Ozzy thinks he must be the only person on the planet who hasn't heard of that. One Robert At A Time babbles for a little bit, but Ozzy pretty much ignores him. Then One Robert At A Time says he's going to try to lead him in a little yoga. "Fuck that" says Ozzy, clearly miserable. Oh, poor Ozzy. Who is this dude and why the hell is he saddled with him? Couldn't he at least bring along a fun "recovered" alcoholic, like Andy Dick or something?
Suddenly, Ozzy and One Robert At A Time are doing yoga. I haven't seen a stiffer Dogward Dog since…oh, man, I got nothing. Since Snoop quit pot? I don't know. (If you come up with a good punch line, tell me.) Sharon voice-overs about how Ozzy could never do yoga, because he's pulled so tight, like a rubber band. One Robert At A Time is trying to make Ozzy more spiritual, Sharon says, and we see him on the bus reading poetry to a blank-staring Ozzy. "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you," the man says. Oh, God. "Did you just fart while I was reading that poem?" One Robert At A Time asks. "Yeah," giggles Ozzy. And…commercials.
Ozzy stands in his dressing room doing a voice exercise along with a tape. Hee.
Beach. Girls! Sun. "Gentleman Jack's a lady's man. He can make love like no one can," goes a song, as Jack mostly just checks out the boys. He then tells us how much he loves surfing as he walks along the beach with a bunch of big Aryan hunks. Hunk One tells Jack that they need to jump off a pier, that it's been mocking them. If you've ever wondered this question: if a big hunk tells Jack to jump off a bridge, would he do it? The answer is yes. Pudgy, ultra-white Jack jumps -- and this is after guys have done perfect back flips -- and fucks up his elbow. He moans in pain afterwards until he has to get saved Baywatch-style by a doc who asks him where it hurts and then makes him a fake sling. The four blonde Billy Zabkas immediately dis Jack's sling, saying that everyone else made it fine but he managed to get hurt.
Cut to Saint John's Health Center, where the hunks are filling out medical forms for Jack, and already getting worried about Sharon being mad at them. Jack makes a joke about him not being allergic to medicine, "Especially not Vicodin," and the stoners laugh their Spicoli heads off. Sharon arrives and asks Jack if he thinks he's a "fucking bird." Jack says that it's this or getting drunk. Then Sharon is rubbing his hair and saying it's a miracle he's going to now stay in for one night, as the doctor says he probably has a broken elbow. Jack "owwwwweeee"'s over some procedure as Sharon then jokes that they should just put the whole family in a hospital ward because Ozzy is "not well" and Sharon has "half a colon." Does that mean she has…a semi-colon? Goodnight everyone! I'll be in Vegas all week!
Now Kelly, I guess in New York, talks on the phone to Ozzy, telling him how Jack jumped off a pier and broke his elbow. She calls him an idiot, with all the sisterly concernless glee you'd expect. Ozzy then tells Bitch Boy about Jack; Bitch Boy says it's a dangerous bone to break. Oh, shut up, and go fetch Ozzy some Jamesons.
Ozzy talks on the phone in his hotel room to "Colin." He says that life has a way of kicking you in the balls. He then starts getting all serious, saying that his plan was always to die before Sharon, but now it's not working. What? Shut up, Ozzy. He goes on that Sharon is the best lover he's ever had, the best friend he's ever had, the worst friend he's ever had. He goes on.
Now One Robert At A Time says that if it's any consolation, Ozzy will probably die before Sharon. I think maybe he was making a joke, but you know how some people just don't have a single funny bone in their body, despite the occasional sad effort? Yes, exactly like Kevin Nealon. Well, One Robert At A Time is just like that. Now Ozzy pulls out a prayer that his mom gave him on her deathbed, which he carries around. Man. How fucking sad. But then One Robert At A Time lightens the moment by asking, sincerely, "Do you want me to read that prayer out loud?" "No," answers Ozzy. Hee.
Sharon tells us that it's not One Robert At A Time's fault, that 12-step shit just doesn't work for Ozzy; he's never made it past Step 3. ("Just listen to me!" Isn't that Step 3?) Now we see Ozzy in his dressing room, surrounded by some guy (One Robert At A Time?) and a girl. The girl talks about how she stopped drinking when she found Jesus. Ozzy immediately gets up and spits something out, puttering around at the Craft Services table so as not to have to listen to Jesus girl anymore. He voice-overs about how he sucks at "meetings," comparing them to a gathering of one-legged men. The woman talks on and Ozzy gets up again. Sharon talks about how Ozzy doesn't want to go into a room of strangers and talk about himself. Now Ozzy is back down again and the woman Jesuses on, and Ozzy gets up and leaves the room. Hee.
Sharon tells us that she doesn't know how Ozzy is going to make it through the tour.
In his tour bus, Ozzy talks to Sharon on the phone. He says he doesn't like being sober. "No booze. No drugs. No wife. I'm having a nervous breakdown or something. I've had enough." He goes on that he wants to come home and that he always tries to get sober under the worst possible conditions. He asks how many shows he has left, and then switches, telling Sharon not to worry about him and that he'll be fine. Oh, man. I feel sorry for the guy. I think he's a lot weaker and a lot stronger than we think he is. Sharon tells us that Ozzy was saying, "You can't leave me," and she told him that she's not going anywhere. Ozzy hangs up the phone and throws it to Bitch Boy, saying that Sharon is "great." But Ozzy then immediately heads into the bathroom, upset.
Concert montage. OzzFest. List of tour dates. "Rock and Roll!" screams Ozzy. (You know when he sees a camera at age 80, he'll still yell that. It's auto-pilot.) Fans. Fans. Fans with scary drawings of Ozzy. Mooning the camera. Fat guy. One Robert At A Time. Ozzy then tells us that this is the last OzzFest, that he's retiring and going home. Uh, you better clear that with Sharon first. Commercials.
Ozzy. Dressing room. He does more of his voice tape. Ozzy glares at the camera, suspicious.
Bus. Ozzy tries some yoga. One Robert At A Time asks if he can feel that stretch in the back leg? That's the gayest thing anyone has ever asked Ozzy. They pull into New York City.
Kelly and Ozzy and Melinda sit and have food in a hotel room. They talk about cheese and then Kelly's cell phone goes off, playing Sea Shanty. Ozzy talks about how good Sharon seemed. Kelly says the whole cancer thing is freaking her out, and Ozzy gives a pep talk about how they're a family and they'll get through it. Then Kelly's cell goes off again and Ozzy mumbles about how it's the most obnoxious fucking ring. Ozzy asks if Kelly has a boyfriend, but she lies that she doesn't want one. He says, "I hope you don't want a fucking girlfriend." Then he adds, "I'm only joking. I hope." He giggles and then Kelly throws a water bottle top at him, hitting him right in the face. Jesus. Careful. Ozzy is fragile. A blow like that could dislodge the tenuous grasp his skull has on his brain, and then he'd be lost forever. We get a slo-mo shot of the throw. Ozzy is pleased. He says that Kelly should play darts.
Bus. Montage. One Robert At A Time does yoga as Ozzy watches.
Now the tour gang get off the plane as Bitch Boy marvels to the camera how this is the worst that he's ever seen Ozzy and it's amazing he's going through with the tour with everything that's going on. But now Ozzy gets to come home for a couple days.
Ozzy and Jack arrive at the Malibu house, talking about jumping off the pier and throwing a TV through the window and drinking. Sharon opens the door, cackling. She's lit a fire but it's out of control. Ozzy freaks when he sees this raging fucking fire with three or four Duraflames. They argue about Ozzy not putting his hand in the fire as SlingJack watches on. Ozzy pokes it with a broom. The fire now blackens the outside of the fireplace and they argue whether or not to call the "fire brigade." Hee. "That's stupid and fucking dramatic," says Jack. Hee. Ozzy and Sharon pour water on the fire and then Ozzy bitches about the "bastard candles" she has lit as Sharon laughs. She laughs that she just wanted it to be nice when he got back. Ozzy giggles.
Now Jack cleans the black residue off the mantle, wondering why he's always the one who has to do it.
"Goodnight Sheep Shaggers, wherever you may be," says Ozzy, apropos of what, I don't know.
Ozzy is ready to leave for tour again. He tries to get their new pet bird to swear. Bitch Boy watches, laughing, as Ozzy tries to feed the bird. But the bird just keeps freaking out, opening its mouth but not taking the food. Ozzy yells that it's having a "seizure." He eventually puts food in his mouth and sticks the bird's head in his mouth. Hee. PETA is already dialing the phone.
Ozzy kisses Sharon and Jack goodbye. "No looking at any women," says Sharon.
Now Ozzy performs, telling the audience that Sharon is doing great. He sings "Mama, I'm Coming Home."
Ozzy tells us that life has a way of kicking you in the nuts. Ozzy then tells us a story about how he was buying food recently, and the minute he was picking himself off the bathroom floor. "I cannot drink," he says, as if just realizing it for the first time, and not the two-hundredth.
He continues singing. Kelly is in the crowd.
Ozzy camera-talks that the week before he was going on the tour he learned his wife had cancer, and every night on stage his heart broke. He continues that when you have a broken heart because someone you love is sick, you can't pretend not to have a broken heart. Poor guy.
The song continues.
We see Ozzy on the phone. He leaves a sweet message for Sharon about how many ups and downs they've had in half a year. Then he hangs up and says, "We're going to kick that fucking cancer's ass."
The song continues. Fireworks. "God bless you all!" he tells the crowd. He tells us that life sucks and then you die. Sharon tells us that she's not ready to die yet. "And definitely not with a wig on."
week…Ozzy asks a firebrigademan if he can light a fire on the beach. Then at night he lights a fire, but the water puts it out. "No, no, no, you fucking asshole ocean." Then Ozzy moons the fire.
And that's it! See you week. Hopefully it won't be so sad. Maybe they'll throw food at the neighbors again, or Lola will poop on something. Later.