Wow. Okay. That's how they're going to do it. They're going to show four episodes and then fucking hang us out there for weeks. Sure, I know it was Christmas, but even UPN will tell you, you've got to build momentum. I'm afraid they've killed the momentum on this crazy train. Maybe I'm afraid for no good reason. Maybe I just spent the last week watching everything from Joe Millionaire to High School Reunion to The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (which is brilliant this year, by the way), to the whole P.Diddy Making the Band 2 extravaganza, and I've just had an overkill of poorly-crafted stories and misleading editing. Or maybe I'm still drunk on eggnog. That's quite possible.
Ozzy sits in an office with BitchBoy, who immediately gains stature just by the fact that he's behind a desk and Ozzy sits in front of it. He tells Ozzy that his (Ozzy's) eldest daughter Jessica (the fuck?) is going into labor. Ozzy firmly predicts it's going to be a girl. Cut to…
Ozzy, at home, gets a call that it's a boy. Bad Nanny calls him a "little grandfather." "Don't fucking say that to me!" shouts Ozzy.
Opening theme. Love it still. I love it the exact amount that I hated the Anna Nicole Smith opening song. God, that fucking cloying terrible piece of doo-doo. (And the theme song was bad as well.)
We're told the episode is called "Smells Like Teen Spirits." Kurt Cobain is rolling over in the British Columbia farm house he's hiding out in. The episode features guest star "Mandy Moore," and I see they're using the term "star" very loosely these days.
House. Night. Big living room conversation with Kelly standing in front of the fam and Bad Nanny and others, relating to Sharon how she got so drunk, drinking until 7:45 in the morning. Goddamn. I went to college in the middle of New York City and I don't think I ever did that. Maybe 6 AM, but at some point, you have to take a nap. Sharon doesn't really want to hear it, but she does. Jack can't believe she's getting away with this. Kelly tells Jack that she's "responsible," whereas he isn't. Yes, she was responsibly nodding off during Matt Lauer's interview with Sam Rockwell and a check of the weather in your neck of the woods. Kelly goes on about how she over-tipped the cab driver, who then asked, "Can I fuck your ass?" Kelly went running down the street in horror. See, that's just plain rude. She could have at least turned him down politely. Kelly ended up falling asleep in some random person's apartment and going home in the morning. Sharon doesn't yell or bitch, but rather expresses her dismay that this all this happened in forty-eight hours. Good mom. Sharon goes on that her life is so eventful. "I haven't even taken a shit in forty-eight hours," says Sharon. Nice. Sharon doesn't look so good, by the way. Just a bit skinny and tired, and now she's going to be doing a talk show too? How about just getting better? That's should be her job.
House. Day. A car drives up. A jaunty-looking old man gets out and hugs Sharon. He looks like Anthony Hopkins in that movie about Picasso. Ozzy then camera-talks about how Sharon was estranged for twenty years from her father and one day Ozzy told her it was bullshit and made Sharon call him. Ozzy jokes that it was the worst thing he ever did because now they're never off the phone.
Gramps talks about how one day someone came to visit that he didn't expect. It was Sharon. And her first words, Sharon offers, were, "You motherfucking piece of shit." Gramps agrees, amused. He seems to have the same sense of humor as Sharon. Sharon then goes on about how the kids thought he was Tony Curtis and they asked, "Why is Tony Curtis calling you a whore?" Okay, but really, how many little kids have had to ask why Tony Curtis was calling their mom a whore over the years? Especially in the rural Vegas area. Tons. Gramps has this male "friend" with him, and so I'm guessing he's gay. I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting. (And maybe that's where Jack gets the love of the older boys.) Gramps sings a Yiddish song which makes the dogs yip and embarrasses the hell out of Sharon. They hug. Quick Montage of Gramps with various family members as Ozzy voice-overs about how great it is that though they didn't talk for twenty years, now they're talking. Wisely and correctly, he says that family feuds are just not fucking worth it. True dat.
Ozzy puts ear drops in Gramps's ear. (Gramps is called Don, I'm getting from the captions. Don isn't a grandpa name, so I'll call him Gramps.) Ozzy keeps pouring and rubbing and yelling, "Can you feel that in your eardrum, Don?" Finally he finishes and asks, "Do you want a burrito, Don?"
Thus begins Ozzy's Big Burrito Kick. He lopes into the room asking who wants a burrito. Three guys are sitting around causing trouble, ignoring Ozzy. Jack comes in at the same time Kelly does. Kelly is yelling at the dudes, wondering if Jack even knew they were coming over. Meanwhile, poor Ozzy is just trying to find out if Jack wants it spicy or non-spicy. Finally Jack yells that nine thousand people are trying to talk to him at once, which is an exaggeration, because at the most, it's, like, five. Jack finally says he's not even hungry, and Ozzy wanders off saying, "Fuck you all then."
Ozzy sits in the car with either BitchBoy or Son Ozzy Hates, talking about how he's going to get one for now and one for the fridge for later. The other dude wonders why he doesn't get three. Ozzy is just going to put it in the fridge in his own room.
They go to Chipotle, which Ozzy declares is "my favorite, my favorite, favorite, my favorite burrito joint." Ozzy watches the dude make the burrito, impatient.
Nate 'N Al's deli. Sharon eats with Gramps and "Friend," telling them about how Jack is sixteen and there are tons of clubs popping up all the time and Jack threw up at the Lounge and got banned. Kelly also got banned from several clubs for being too loud. (I love that they tell their parents this shit, but they need to calm down a little.) Sharon then goes off about how she used to cut school when she was a kid and go to the movies or "nicking," which I think means shoplifting. Gramps listens with a curious ear. They talk about which school Sharon went to, and how Sharon told the headmistress to eat her pussy. Everyone laughs at that as Gramps thinks back to how during that time Sharon got so wild because he was such a terrible father. Good times.
Sharon's bed. Gramps sits beside her, telling her that he understands her "predicament," but that she can't let things go a hundred percent the kids' way. He says Sharon's going to be doing "ukekoli" for six months. "Chemotherapy, you schmuck," says Sharon, laughing. Gramps goes on that Sharon has to take it easy on herself, which doesn't seem to follow with Gramps's thesis about cracking down on the kids. Anyway, Sharon tells a story about how one day Kelly called an abuse hotline complaining that Sharon had just smacked her. The dude asked why she hit her, and Kelly says it was because she told her to go "suck on a donkey's dick." Gramps laughs, unable to believe it. The dude told Kelly, "Your mother was right and don't call here again." Sharon jokes that there should be a parents' abuse line. Gramps breaks it down, saying, "You know, all I can say to all this is thank God there isn't a fourth one." Heeeeeee.
Day. House. Kelly tells Dad that in England you can drink under sixteen, and patriotic Ozzy explains that in America and California the rule is twenty-one. He goes on that there are only so many things they can protect Kelly from, and once she crosses a certain line, she's fucked. Then he adds, "I'm going to go eat a burrito."
Random girl -- or Aimee, maybe -- says she heard Ozzy still eats burritos three times a day. Ozzy says it's only twice a day, and then sings the little Mexican burrito song, calling himself "Burrito Man." Montage of burrito-eating. Sharon tells Kelly that Ozzy can't have one burrito; he has to have nine hundred burritos. When he goes to tie his hair back so it doesn't get into his burrito, a dog jumps up and starts eating it. "Oy!" Ozzy shouts. "Get away from my fucking burrito, you little bastard!" More burrito song. Ozzy stands in the middle of the kitchen, in pain, saying he can't lie down because the burrito has done him up. He groans. Hee.
Night. House. Jack and Sharon watch TV together as Kelly comes in with some dude, announcing she's going out. Sharon begs her not to. Kelly says, "I can't help it." She leaves.
Middle of the night. Sharon can't sleep, so she's cleaning out the fridge. She tells us that Kelly is really partying too much, and she's tired and bad-tempered, and while she has twenty days until Kelly is eighteen, she's going to try to enforce her staying in for the three weeks she has left to control her.
Kelly. Montage of Drunk. Jumping Around. Jumping on beds. Spanking Dill. Robert, Kelly, Jack, and Dill dance. Kelly twirls. Jack makes a face. Kelly is fucked up. Finally she falls on Dill and then goes to puke. I think a lot of people probably go to puke after getting too close to Dill. Commercials.
Back. Ozzy works out. The TV plays Bette Midler singing "Wing Beneath My Wings." Ozzy looks suspiciously at the TV.
Giant Trainer knocks on Jack's door for about a minute, listening to see if he can hear anything. Poor guy. Going get fucking fired.
Meanwhile, Kelly throws up in the bathroom. Ozzy, because he's been through this a million times with himself, offers to go get Kelly a bottle of water and tells her to stay still. Kelly yells that she has to get up because she has a radio interview on hold; she put the phone down because she had to puke. Meanwhile, the lady can probably totally hear this exchange. Brilliant. Kelly finally gets up and says, "Hi, Sylvia, sorry."
Kelly, looking like ass, is in Sharon's make-up room, waiting to get made up as Sharon is currently. Kelly tells us that she's a terrible drunk, because she doesn't remember anything and she's violent and mean. Sharon asks what this tells her? Kelly says that she can't drink. No one believes her, but she says she's not going out this weekend, that she'll die if she does. Sharon starts telling Kelly she should have a roll with butter and bacon and ketchup, trying to make her puke. Kelly goes on that there's no more drinking. When Sharon talks about pink sausages, Kelly finally goes to puke.
Working out. Jack lifts while Giant Trainer barks at him. Robert glides on the machine in the background. Giant Trainer tells Jack that when he has his buddies over on the weekend, this is the party right here. Hee. It's such a sad losing effort to try to turn Jack Osbourne into a meathead jock whose idea of a good time is to get together with his guy friends and work out together. Actually, I can't believe that's anyone's idea of a good time. Jack is hurting, telling us that he's been partying every night this week and his bones need a rest.
Sharon says goodbye to Gramps, closing the door. She says, "You fucking piece of shit," joking, I hope.
Big family dinner with random friends there too. Formal dinner while bemused staff wait on them. Sharon talks about some bully who Sharon had to yell at to leave Kelly alone. Kelly says that he used to masturbate on the back of the bus with porno mags. They reminisce about a housekeeper with big gold teeth. Sharon says she looked like Master P with an apron on. Goddamn, that's funny. It's also very funny that the captioners thought it was "masturbating with an apron on." But then again, why wouldn't they? This is The Osbournes, after all. "There's a fly in there," says Ozzy, pointing. People wave it away and then Ozzy, doing schtick, hits himself in the head. He then gets up saying he's going to eat a burrito. (Even though they obviously just dubbed that in for a joke, it's still funny.)
Kitchen. Sharon asks Ozzy how many days he's been on the burrito diet now? Ozzy says he's turning fucking Mexican. He holds out a burrito, saying that this is the last one. "End." And that's it.
time on…Kelly holds band auditions. Ozzy says that drummers are weird people as a blonde chick says she's never taken lessons. She auditions and then afterwards says, "So, I don't know how to play the drums." Hee. In the garden, one of the dogs is humping one of the cats. "Arthur butt-raped Gus's ass!" says Jack. Hee. Gus looks very mellow during all of this, too. Afterwards, Sharon stares at Gus. "You can tell he's been sexually abused," she says. Jack informs Ozzy that Dill is coming to stay again. "No he's not," hopes Ozzy. Dill says he's staying for about fourteen days. Ozzy asks Jack if Dill has lice. Dill Montage. Dill calls himself a "total fucking scumbag who does nothing." Skateboard videos of Dill. Out in the garage, Jack and Dill, shirtless, wrestle. Holy shit, that's even gayer than jumping off a pier just because a bunch of hunky surfer boys told you too. Mandy! You've got to come help Jack out. Quick!