Reality television. By nature, it plays fast and free with the notion of the word "reality." Shows routinely craft "storylines" through clever editing, juxtaposing events in such a way as to make thing look more dramatic, funny, interesting, dire. But more and more lately, things are cut together that didn't actually happen. Reaction shots to something else are edited in as a substitute. People who weren't even talking are made to seem as though they are. Scenes from different days are interwoven to make it look as though it's seamless. But of course, it's not, because we see the seams. They are evident. But we forget that sometimes -- we forget that "reality" television is to be taken with a grain of salt -- because it is a medium of light and image; it's something that can be manipulated in myriad ways. And that is what The Osbournes has decided to play with here. Cruel? Maybe. Effective? Undoubtedly. And in the end, isn't it nice to have a strong reaction to television? Think about it before you pick up your toys and leave the playground in a huff. When was the last time 22 minutes of show made you feel anything?
And while I could recap this most memorable 22 minutes as if I were watching it all for the first time -- especially in this case, it would feel really forced. Or I could go into it knowing the "end" and recapping through the prism of fact-checking to see if the ending was tipped. But instead, I think I'll just present the series of events, and let you decide how to feel about them. Except, of course, when I tell you how you should feel about them.
The family sits outside on the front steps. Sharon chats with Aimee, perhaps, as Jack eats cereal. Ozzy sits in front of them all, shaking more than usual, singing the Flintstones theme song. (Hey, now that Katherine Hepburn has died, I bet Ozzy has jumped up in the Shaking Rankings. Aw, c'mon! I'm just kidding.) Ozzy thinks they should have a theme song like that, and he changes the lyrics to, "Osbournes. Meet the Osbournes…" Minnie barks and Jack says, "Minnie. Shut the fuck up!" Ozzy stops singing and, pointing to Jack, says, "No, that's the chorus." Ha.
Theme. Credits. The episode is titled "Ozz Well That Ends Well."
House. Day. Upstairs. Sharon is lying in bed, and Jack and Minnie are there. Jack talks about how he was somewhere and he fell asleep and the people with him wrote on him in Sharpie. He woke up from a deep sleep and got really angry. Sharon touches his cheek and says that she does it too. The fishing buddy guy is there too suddenly -- how many people does she have in her room at any one time? God. It's like my bedroom in college. The dude says that it's really freaky when you do that. Sharon makes an Exorcist type of voice and Jack reiterates that he got really angry. Sharon asks if he apologized to these unnamed people. (He probably just passed out at the Roxy, like most nights.) Jack says that he left. Sharon says he should apologize. Dude says that people shouldn't be "mucking around" with a sleeping person. Especially not someone flying high on Oxy and paint thinner.
New York hotel room. Kelly is on the phone saying that boyfriend Burt said, "I'm going to get Kelly a job on the road." Kelly bitches that she already has a fucking job and he has no idea what she does. (He doesn't know she's a singer? Well, a "singer"? Really? He doesn't?) She swears on that maybe if the fucker would call her every now and then. Kelly hangs up and bitches to Bad Nanny that Burt is retarded and she doesn't want to talk to him. Yes, and good.
Home. Kitchen Ozzy, probably looking around for carrot cake. Jack asks Ozzy if he's ever been sleepwalking and gotten really violent. "No," says Ozzy, guiltily, like, "Oh shit, what did I do now." Jack shrugs and says, "Just curious." He then goes on that "they" woke him up and he got real violent. Ozzy says nothing. Jack sips an Orangina.
Treadmill. Jack. (Yes, Jack!) Trainer stands there, staring at him. (Quite conveniently standing close, right in the shot, I might add. Okay, that's enough.) Jack talks about how he got violent and angry and freaked out when he was woken up. Trainer wonders if it was a dream. He then says, "No. It's never happened to me." Jack flares his nostrils and looks off into the distance, meaningfully.
House. Day. Sharon. She talks on the phone to Bad Nanny. Sharon tells Bad Nanny not to let Kelly go out with Burt, which has to mean Sharon just likes telling people what to do for fun, because she has to know by now that there is no way she can control anything her children do whatsoever. I wonder when the last time any of these kids had a chore. Well, Robert probably has a lot -- to earn his keep. Bad Nanny says that Kelly is mad because Burt hasn't been calling. Sharon is gleeful about that. They talk about Burt's bad qualities and how he needs to come to Kelly and not the other way around. Bad Nanny then tells how he left Kelly alone for two hours so he could go hang out with his bandmates. Bad Nanny says that she's fucking over it. Sharon pushes aside her pile of cell phones to talk even more emphatically. Sharon calls Burt a bad word and then says that you should never wait for a guy to call. Ozzy, sitting across the room, tries to yell "Hello" into the speaker phone for Melinda. Bad Nanny doesn't respond. Ozzy goes back to his drawing as Sharon smirks. She tells Bad Nanny that they're going to have to do something "to that little pervert."
New York. Hotel. Jack arrives, bumping into the wall. In the room, Jack lies on the bed reading a magazine. He asks Kelly why she doesn't just call her boyfriend. Kelly asks Jack not to comment on Burt. Jack says that as a brother, he has to give Kelly some shit. Kelly says that people come up to her and ask why doesn't her brother like Burt? Kelly says that he shouldn't say anything at all if he has nothing nice to say. Kelly says that it doesn't look like Burt is going anywhere anytime soon, so he might as well be nice to Burt. Jack asks if she means, "He engaged [her]." Kelly laughs at his word use. Robert and Jack talk about Kelly's ring and call Burt a "scumbag." Kelly gently reminds Jack that the ring she's wearing is their mom's. "Oh, that's right," says Jack. Jack jokes that Burt probably went to buy a ring at K-Mart. Kelly comes back into the room all serious. "You are so superficial, it's disgusting." "Isn't 'superficial' a good thing?" Jack asks Robert, seriously. Robert stands looking out the window for a long time, then turns around and stoners, "I don't think so." Sure it is. It has "super" right in it! Just like "superfluous." You're extra-perfluous! That's gotta be good. Commercials.
Private plane. The best thing about being an Osbourne. Limo. The second best. Sharon and Jack. Sad music. Sharon is talking to Kelly on the phone -- something bad happened. "Are you hurt? Do you feel hurt? Come on, my sunshine beam. C'mon." Aw, obviously Burt broke up with her. She says she'll be home soon. Jack has a combo told-you-so-slash-that-sucks look on his face. Sharon says that her heart is breaking for Kelly. She goes on that he dumped her on Valentine's Day. Ouch. Jack says, "So not cool." Super-not cool.
Home. Lots of people as usual. Sharon hugs Kelly and some other girl. Aimee? They forgot to tile her out, man. That's craziness. All rules don't apply, man! Worlds colliding!
Jack's room. He camera-talks that Burt broke up with Kelly. He calls him a "scumbag" and says that Burt didn't want to be known all his life as Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend. Well, Jack doesn't want to be known as Kelly Osbourne's brother, but he can't do anything about that. Ozzy. He says that Burt needs a kick in the balls for doing that on Valentine's Day. Jack. He says that he doesn't get into relationships. But he'd never break up over the phone. He'd take them out to dinner like a gentleman. Oh, that's a good idea. Really fuck up the salad course. At least most likely you wouldn't have to pay for a dessert that way. Hard to eat tiramisu through tears. Jack then jokes that he might "send them an email." Then he laughs. The Boys With Avids slow him down and make him laugh all creepy.
Black and white camera. Jack's room. Jack sits up in bed as creepy music plays. He rubs his eyes, and then stumbles around the room. He flops down on the couch. Do sleepwalking people rub their eyes like they're getting up? Also, do the night-vision cameras they have really capture the beds? And also, isn't it grainier? Questions…questions...
Anyhoo. Make-up room somewhere. Kelly and friends. Some older blonde woman. Kelly says that Burt broke up with her because he was having "mental issues." Furthermore, he said, "I want to rock!" As an excuse! What? Kelly said she paused, because she was going to laugh. He went on that he thought people weren't taking him seriously because of who he was dating. No, people weren't taking him seriously because his band is lame and he's a hairy, dirty little douchebag walking cliché fuckface. Kelly says that he's suffering from "LSD" -- Lead Singer's Disorder. Wah wah wah.
Sharon says, "He's a piece of shit." She changes her mind that at least shit makes flowers grow. Some woman wearing a parka like she's exploring K2 makes suggestions. Sharon says that he's "a [BEEP] with a cauliflower dick." Hee. Sharon goes on that if Burt ever says anything about her daughter, she'll go personally and knock his teeth out with her Chanel handbag.
"Night-vision" camera. Jack wakes up. He walks. He wakes up again and pushes Lola off the bed sorta violently. Again. He grabs Lola and starts wrestling with the dog. The dog gets away, and Jack says, "I'm sorry, Lola," and flops back down into bed.
Kitchen. Jack tells Ozzy that last night he woke up and he was beating Lola. Ozzy says that Jack needs to see someone or Ozzy himself might end up being the recipient of it. He says he might get a "cold clock in the fucking Gulliver," paraphrasing A Clockwork Orange. Ozzy strongly suggests that Jack not buy a baseball bat. Commercials.
House. Day. Sharon's room. Mid-fight. Kelly yells that if Sharon is going to be her mother and manager, she needs to treat her like a daughter and a client. Well, Kelly said "someone you work with," but I think "client" is the word she was looking for, and she'd appreciate me supplying it for her. "I honestly think you ought to get yourself another manager," Sharon says. Whoa! "I really fucking do." Sharon says she's not being patronizing, but Kelly always shouts at her and thinks she knows everything. "Because you don't fucking listen to me, Mom! You don't listen to me." Sharon starts to leave her bed and Kelly says, "Fuck you, Mom! Fuck you!" She goes on that maybe she will get another manager! Oh, there's Bad Nanny, listening. "Just go, Kelly," says Sharon. Kelly is gone. Don't you imagine that's almost exactly how Sharon and Billy Corgan's conversation went when they decided to stop working together. I imagine Billy in his little footie pajamas, sitting on Sharon's bed. So cute. Anyway, Sharon goes on that she'd rather have her daughter than a client. Ozzy wobbles in. "It's Kelly," Sharon whispers. Ozzy says that it's impossible for Kelly to talk normal these days.
Downstairs. Sharon, Ozzy, and Jack sit around the kitchen talking about Kelly. Jack shows his parents his arm, where Kelly bit him. Ozzy asks why she bit him. Jack says that he was talking to Sarah Bad Drummer, and Kelly blamed her for the reason Burt broke up with her. Ozzy says that it's her business, and Sharon says that she makes it everyone else's business too. We then see Kelly conveniently coming down the stairs and overhearing. She pauses, wondering what to do, then runs back upstairs. Ozzy goes on saying that Kelly is hurting and that she's got to find somewhere to vent her frustrations.
Upstairs, Kelly comes out of her room dressed like Edward Scissorhands with a rolling suitcase. Aw, she's moving out. Like Huck Finn, but with a Gucci travel bag instead of a bandana on a stick. She throws the bag down the stairs (and no one hears her!) and says that she's fucking out of here. She leaves through the garage.
Ozzy rubs cream on Jack's bite. Jack says it smells like toothpaste. Ozzy says that it is. Sharon says that the kids are very strong. Ozzy says that he knows Jack is, and that he only hopes he's not the recipient of Jack's sleepwalking violence. Ozzy says that he'll wake up with an empty pack of Coronas wrapped around the back of his neck. Okay, so Ozzy isn't very good at improvising. Give him a break.
Night vision. Creepy music. Minnie walks by Jack's bed. Jack looks at her, then leans over slowly, and grabs her. The dog yips and makes weird growling noises. This is all taking place just off-camera in the bed, by the way. Then the growling stops and Jack is still. "Morning," in that we hear birds tweeting. Jack wakes up then sort of jumps, looking at something off-camera. "Whoa," he says.
Outside. Ozzy looks around the backyard, calling, "Minnie!" Sharon looks in a bedroom. Ozzy outside. Calling. Jack picks up something wrapped in a towel and slides it into a small duffel bag. Meanwhile, Ozzy still yells, wondering where the fucking dog is. Jack zips it up. He walks through his room, which we see through some other weird behind-a-mirror-cam or something. Meanwhile, outside, Ozzy screams for Minnie. Sharon looks under a bed. Jack creeps outside the front door. The camera focuses on the big framed photos of Minnie on the stairs. Outside, in another weird camera shot in black and white, Jack walks out the front door/gate holding the duffel. Where is that camera? Out in the middle of the street? Up in a tree?
Kitchen. Ozzy washes dishes as the phone rings. Ozzy picks it up, wondering why no one ever answers the phone. It's Jack. "I did something fucked-up," says Jack. Ozzy says that Jack can tell him anything. "I killed Minnie," says Jack. Ozzy wonders what he means. Jack stutters that he killed Minnie in his sleep. Ozzy says this isn't a joke and Jack says, "I don't know what to tell you." Odd response. He goes on that he woke up and she was in his bed, lifeless. "I'm shaking," says Ozzy, and he is…but then again, he always is. "Oh God, no," says Ozzy. Jack says that he can't tell Sharon, but Ozzy says he has to. Jack calmly says that it'll kill her. "I can't believe this, man. I'll deal with this," says Ozzy. They get off the phone very quickly. Jack says that he's sorry.
Ozzy stands in front of Sharon telling her not to freak out. Sharon wants to know. "He found Minnie dead in his room this morning. Minnie's dead," Ozzy says. We see the boom in the shot very clearly, worse than ever, as Sharon says that Ozzy is "winding [her] up." Ozzy says that he wishes he were, but she's dead. "Minnie's dead!" he says, starting to crack. Sharon wails, "Minnie!"
Ozzy sleeps. Sharon walks in from her gigantic bathroom and then goes into Ozzy's and writes "I love you" in lipstick on the open toilet seat lid. Sharon packs, then kisses Ozzy's sleeping face and leaves. Downstairs, she says goodbye to some weird ceramic dog and leaves.
Quick cut to a phone call. Ozzy is talking to Sharon, wondering if she's coming back. Sharon says that she needs to be on her own for a while. She can't be in the house because Minnie is everywhere in that house; she's is in Malibu. (Sharon, not Minnie. Minnie is in the dumpster in back of the Viper Room.) "I don't know where the house in Malibu is," Ozzy says. It's a funny line, but what does it matter? He never drives anywhere, anyway. "I'm so terribly sad, you know," Ozzy says. Sharon says that she doesn't want to talk about it and that she needs to be on her own. Ozzy tells her not to do anything stupid. "I love you," Ozzy says as Sharon hangs up. "Fucking hell," Ozzy says, and walks to the TV couch. He picks up the remote and says that he's stuck on the fucking Weather Channel again. He calls for Jack. He bangs on the remote. "Sharon!" More banging. "Kelly!" He gets up. "Aw, fucking hell," he says, and walks out of the room. The theme music starts. "And…cut," says someone. (Yes, at this point, watching, my jaw was on the floor…and then even more so right…now!)
Ozzy comes back into the room as we see a huge crew lined up all around, including a cue card guy holding lines from the "scene" we just saw. Ozzy asks if it's all over. "It's all over," says the director. "I don't have to say the F word anymore?" yells Ozzy. He cheers. Everyone hugs. The camera swings over to show Sharon holding Minnie! What?! Yup. It's Minnie. The real Minnie. Ozzy and Sharon hug. There's Bad Nanny and Bitch Boy and Jack and Robert. Animal wranglers start putting the dogs in crates. (Get it? Because the dogs are not really theirs!) Ozzy hugs crew members. "Now you can all fuck off!" yells Ozzy.
Outside. About forty crew people and "cast" wave from the front steps. "Bye!" they say.
Now we get the shot from the first season where a shirtless Ozzy sits on the couch covering his face and stammering. "I love you all…" he says. But then he "flubs" the line and someone off-screen yells, "Cut!" He tries again. They cut as he stammers the line, using a different shot of Ozzy. Then he says the famous line and they pipe in cheering as Ozzy mumbles the line that comes right after that, but which we never heard: "A chip off the old block." And that's it!
Okay. So here's the deal. That last sequence where it was made to look like the show has been fake from Day One…the sequence that was perceived to be a big "Fuck you!" to the audience by some. That was fake. Brilliantly constructed. But fake. They just used separate audio. A couple "wild" lines layered on from other places of Ozzy stammering, and a shot of a clapper clapping off the shots between the same shot over and over, just ended at a different place, and that's all you need. Very very clever. But fake.
Here's my take on it: the show is real. At least as real as any reality show. Creative editing and crafting of stories by the Boys With Avids, sure, but real. This last episode was a wonderful prank. A mean prank, maybe, but effective. Now the reason that it's so dicey is the exact reason it worked: because it plays with the whole flawed notion of reality television in the first place. It plays with the claims that the whole thing is fake. It plays with the notion of what we believe, very much in the way that The War of the Worlds did. I think this was one of the most brilliant half hours of television I've ever seen. Historic, I would say. I was fooled, absolutely. And very disturbed. But goddamn, was it memorable and incredibly well set up. Set up over a full year, really. Because it all built to this. Sure, if you go back and watch, you'll see "flaws." Jack's performance is not great. (Hope it's better in the Olsen twins movie he signed onto.) Ozzy's is wonderful. Also, the weird camera issues. But man, it worked. And so all the people who are so betrayed and scream to the heavens that you will never watch the show again: take a breath. Think about it. These people let you into their homes, and you came. They did it willingly, and there is no reason to feel sorry for them. However, is there really any reason to feel sorry for yourselves that they played a little joke on you? It doesn't negate the whole show. It doesn't actually change anything. We were all challenged and made to feel something by a basic cable television show. To feel. Which is what art is supposed to do, if you can call this art. So to react with anger and a refusal to ever watch again? As Ozzy might say, "Aw…c'mon. I mean…woo-- can't you take a fucking joke, man?"