Previously on One Tree Hill: Sobell kicked some serious Tree Hill ass, and I need to thank her a thousand Sundays with breakfast in bed, champagne and strawberries, and whatever chocolate delights the world has to offer, because she did such an amazing job. So, when we last left off, Luke rolled up to Brooke's door and tried to apologize. She had none of it and told him to tell it to the girl he hooked up with last night. Cut to said hottie, who looks to be about thirty-five, straddling Luke on a children's ride. Um, ew. Then Luke apologizes to his mom for screwing up so much. Dan buys Keith's shop and makes him the bitch. Keith bends over and takes it, but we all know that's not going to last. Deb cries on the couch in her big lonely house as Nathan hands her some court papers. He's petitioning for emancipation from both of his parents. Jake opens the door and finds Luke's one night stand, Nikki, who asks how her daughter is…hm, seems that girl really gets around. Oh, and Peyton begs Brooke to forgive her, but she's having none of that either. Whew, that girl can hold a grudge!
Blah ball bouncing, blah being yourself, blah raspy voice, blah piece of mind blah. I hate the fact that I know all the words and can't stop myself from singing the whole damn theme song.
So, I guess the gym's in use, because Brooke and her team of squawking Ravens Cheerleaders are practicing in the middle of the quad. Outside. Where it's cold and your muscles would, well, have a hard time warming up -- not to mention that the ground is cement and it might hurt your knees or crack your head if you landed wrong, but whatever. They chant, "You can't shoot, you can't score, you won't beat us nevermore, go Ravens go! Go Ravens go!" These cheers are like haiku on acid for two-year-olds. Anyway. They shake the pom-poms. Hell, it's good to see Peyton doing something other than brooding or drawing. And at least Brooke looks good in her sweat suit.
Luke and Haley walk nearby. Haley jokes, "I guess you should feel pretty lucky getting to hang out with me like this. Do you have any other wishes I can grant?" Luke stops walking. They're both wearing very warm jackets. Because it's cold. But the cheerleaders keep cheering. Haley stops and says, "What?" He tells her that he'd like her to come to the tournament this weekend. She laughs, tosses her head back, and then agrees. Nathan comes up behind Haley, and Luke takes this as his cue to exit. Haley turns around and tells Nathan she'll be joining them at The Classic. Nathan teases, "You and me in the same hotel room? This weekend just got interesting." She smiles and says, "Down boy!" She giggles loudly. It's almost embarrassingly loud, like a guffaw more than a laugh. Heh. Haley swats him on the arm: "Plus, it's probably better if I don't leave you alone with all those cheerleaders." She puts on a cutesy/teasing voice when she says the word "cheerleaders." They get serious for a minute, and Nathan tells her that he got the apartment. That it drained all of his savings paying for first and last month's rent, but that he can move in on Sunday. Hm. If he has no more savings, and no job that we've ever seen, how is he going to pay the rent? Whatever. It's not real life and I'll bet that he'll be back with his parents in no time. They walk off arm in arm.
Brooke's Boot Camp for Wayward Spirit Sticks continues. As the girls hold their arms up with pom-poms in the air, she walks around criticizing their postures, their bad breath, and making cracks like, "Peyton. Nice form, and excellent betrayal of a best friend." Everything is "wrong" and "wrong." Peyton looks deflated but she doesn't say anything. Hell, she doesn't even take her arms down. Brooke walks around to the group after giving her last bit of the worst constructive criticism I've ever heard, and starts lecturing: "This weekend is The Classic. It's our biggest cheer competition. Aren't you sick of Clare Young and the Bear Creek Warriors taking home the trophy every year?" Peyton's sweatshirt/jumper says, "London." That's a shout-out, totally -- I was just in London. Heh. Yes, I'm reaching for straws, but this whole cheerleading competition subplot thing is just too easy -- it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Well, I wouldn't exactly shoot the fish, or use a gun -- oh hell, it's just a saying, people, don't call PETA. I promise no animals were harmed in the writing of this recap. Anyway. The cheerleaders are practicing. On cement. In the quad. In the cold. Wearing full make-up, no one's hair is tied back, and not a single one of them have even broken a sweat, and this is how they're going to win the competition? They might want to start with a real practice.
Anyway, moral of the story? Brooke's sick of Clare Young winning the trophy. She's ready to do battle with a pair of poms and a hell of a haughty attitude. Go! Team! Brooke continues, "We need to get it together here, and I'm not just talking about our routine. I'm talking about hair, nails -- underarms, Teresa." Poor Teresa. It's always the bit players who get stuck with the references to stinky pits. The one called "Beven" says, "Brooke, cheerleading is supposed to be fun." Brooke bits back: "Yeah? Well, winning's funner." Pause. "And if you don't like it, you can go cheer for the wrestling team." So there's cheer squad hierarchy? Like if you don't kick ass, you might get stuck with water polo? Or, gasp, track and field? Man, life is so hard when you're young, beautiful, and in great shape. Yawn. Brooke says bitchily, "Take five."
Peyton approaches her cautiously. She doesn't want to get her eyeballs poked out by Brooke's manicured nails. Peyton says, "Okay, you know what? You hate me, I get it, fine. Just don't take it out on our squad." Wow, Bitchy Brooke is back with abandon; she's unstoppable: "Everything is not about you, Peyton. Did you ever think that maybe I'm being a psycho hose-beast because I want us to do well this weekend? Those judges are not going to be as forgiving as I am." Did she just use "psycho hose-beast" in a sentence? Where are the nets? Is Wayne around? Are the writers Canadian? Peyton looks Brooke square in the eye and retorts, "Funny. I didn't know you were forgiving at all." Then she walks away, taking her high road with her. Brooke notices Mouth wandering by and shouts, "Hey Lips! Come here!" He corrects her mistake and walks over to her. She says, "You're going to be at The Classic this weekend right?" He replies, "Ravenshoops.com, I never miss a game." Wow, he put that ridiculous advertising plug in without even losing a beat. I would have cracked up. Brooke doesn't care. She wants him to be her "scout." To scope out the competition for her, and she'll pay him twenty bucks. Mouth says incredulously, "To spy on cheerleaders? I'd do it for free!" And he's in like Flynn. Man, I'm just tossing out sayings left right and centre -- anyone know who Flynn is? Mouth leaves smiling ear-to-ear at the thought of getting to watch rah-rahs all weekend. Brooke snaps, "Okay, break's over. Let's go!" Beven whines, "You said five minutes." Brooke snarks, "Yeah, well, cry me a river." And somewhere, Justin Timberlake wakes up and mumbles incoherently, "Hey, someone just used my song title, they owe me a dollar." Then he rolls over, slaps Cameron Diaz on the ass, and goes back to sleep.
Luke saunters by Woda's office, hoping to slide by unnoticed. He's not so lucky. Whitey shouts, "Lucas! Come in here." Luke shuffles inside and asks the coach what's up. Woda wants to know how his shoulder's healing. Luke tells him that physical therapy is going slowly. Woda says, "Well, that's too bad. We could use you this weekend." Luke replies, "Ah, come on, the Greyhounds suck on D. We'll get your five hundredth win easy, Coach. I just wish I could do my part." Woda stands up for inspiration. He's heard the b-ball gods, and this is his wisdom: "Well, maybe you can. One of your teammates needs a little extra coaching." Luke's eyebrows go up. Of course, he'll help whomever. But whoa, hold up, wait a minute -- could the gods of contrivance be gearing up for a little fun this episode? Because seconds later, in walks Nathan, wondering what the coach wanted to see him about. Woda says, "With Lucas on the injured list you're going to see a lot more double teams. Now, Lucas is damn good at creating space for open shots." Oh. My. God. They're actually talking about playing basketball? I thought that was a ruse. Whew. It's about time they gave Whitey something to do besides coming for dinner and sitting on the damn porch. He continues, "I want you two to work together." Nathan snaps, "There's nothing he can teach me about my game or anything else." And yup, Woda the Attitude Terminator is certainly back in full force as Whitey disciplines Nathan: "He can teach you to listen when I tell you to do something." Pause. "I'd start now if I were you." Heh. Whitey's got a self-satisfied grin on his face. My guess is that he doesn't want the relationship between Lucas and Nathan to end up like Dan and Keith. ["Please. Israel and the PLO don't want to end up like Dan and Keith." -- Sars]
Deb's back at Karen's Café. I guess they did decide to go into a partnership. I mean, hell, the only reason Deb didn't want to work was because of Nathan, and, well, his emancipation has kind of left her with some time on her hands. Anyway, she's wiping down the countertops with abandon. Karen jokes, "If the countertops get any cleaner we're not going to need plates." Deb snaps out of her reverie and apologizes. Then she says, "How terrible of a mother am I that my son wants to divorce me?" Karen insists, "Deb, you're not Mommie Dearest." Moira's hair looks cute; it's all curly. I just watched her in The Safety of Objects and she did a really good job. I know I've slammed her in these pages before, but Moira adds a certain something to this show…an unnamed quality, I can't quite put my finger on it…oh, yeah, she doesn't suck ass like some of the other quasi-parents with teenagers in the land of The WB. That's right, Joey's sister Bessie. I'm looking at you. Anyway. Enough of living in the past; Karen continues, "Nathan's hurt, but he'll forgive you. It's just going to take some time." And in a moment of non-subtle television "irony," and I use that word with caution, the King of Hurt comes through the door.
Deb looks surprised to see Keith in there. He just wants a cup of coffee. Awkward hellos are passed around like they contain the Ebola virus. Keith puts his money on the counter as Deb says, "We haven't seen you in a while." Keith lies and tells them he's been pretty busy at work. Man, he lurvs Karen. You can tell just by the way he looks at her. Keith takes the cup of coffee, thanks Deb, and says, "Karen." Just before he turns to leave, Karen calls him back: "Why don't you come by some night for dinner, like we used to." He smiles and asks if tomorrow night would be good. Karen smiles and says okay. Now when Keith leaves, he's on cloud nine. Finally, something's going his way. But hell, we know that can't last, because that old dog's been kicked so many times when he's down, he doesn't know what up is anymore. Deb turns around and gives Karen a look. Karen smiles and says, "Baby steps."
Faux-Sherry, the Booster Mom, comes in, saying she's "so happy" she's found two Booster Moms in the same place. Did everyone in town have a baby when they were, like, twelve? This woman looks like she's about twenty-two. Anyway, blah Judy Johnson, blah backed out of The Classic, blah the last minute, blah needs a chaperone blah. Deb says quietly, "I have a meeting with my attorney. I can't cancel." Faux-Sherry whisper-gossips, "I heard about you and Dan. How awful." Deb just gives her a look. Soon, Deb's not going to talk at all; she'll just be glancing around, giving everyone looks. Faux-Sherry turns to Karen and asks her about her trip to Italy. Without pausing for a breath, she launches right into how the Booster Moms have missed Karen at the Silent Auction, the Bake Sale, and the Pancake Breakfast. Okay, okay, Karen gets the hint. And somewhere, way up in space, Keith's cosmic aura gets a great big kick in the ass. There's not going to be a dinner "like they used to" this weekend, unfortunately.
Speaking of Keith, and cosmic bad luck, we're back at the shop currently known as Keith Scott Auto Body, where some "new" guy rolls a dolly full of crap inside. Keith wants to know what the hell it is; the guy tells him it's the new "equipment." Speaking of what-the-hell, Dan's there carrying a life-sized cardboard cut out of, wait for it, himself. It's a man made in his own image. Although the head's disproportionate -- it should really be the size of Canada, Dan's ego is that big. They've whitewashed the entire inside of the garage; it looks completely different. So much for Keith "being his own boss" and Dan being a "silent" partner. As the dolly rolls by, Dan snarks, "Hey, don't let this guy get away with half days just 'cause he's related to the boss." Which means what exactly? Because Keith's at work, and it doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon. Oh. Good. Grief. Keith's wearing a "DSM" jumpsuit/coveralls. He must feel like such an asshat. He sees the cardboard Dan and jokes, "Oh, gawd, I thought one of you was bad enough." Dan tells Keith the jumpsuit looks good on him. Ew. He continues, "How's your day going." Out comes the laundry list of the hard knock life: "Well, let's see, you changed my sign, you made me wear this monkey suit, and you're replacing all my equipment. What's ? You want me to start fixing bicycles too?" Dan snarks, "If it would turn a profit." Blah Keith equipment was obsolete, blah stuck in 1982, blah old school, fixing old cars. Keith insists that the machines were fine. Dan argues, "They don't work as good as the new ones. Now I told you I was going to help you with your shop. This is part of the agreement. You've got to start thinking like a businessman, bro." Keith snips, "I think you do enough of that for the both of us." Pause. "Bro." Then he walks away. Man, Keith's cosmic ass has had just about as much kicking as it can take these days.
Down at the River Court, Nathan and Luke attempt to practice together. The These Brothers Don't Get Along Soundtrack plays in the background. Nathan shoots the ball. Luke runs underneath the ball, grabs it, and tosses it back to his brother. Nathan snits, "Whitey wants you to feel a part of the team, fine, I just don't understand why I have to babysit you." Luke says calmly, "He just wants to make sure you can get open." Nathan reminds Luke cockily that he doesn't have a problem getting open. Luke says, "Well, you will without me in the line." He continues, "The fade-away is a great shot for creating space. You want to work on it, or what?" Nathan pouts, "I don't need to work on it." Luke insists. Of course, Nathan tries it, Luke blocks the crap out of him, and he misses. Nathan looks grumpy. But only for a second, because his gene that insists he show off takes over: "I'll tell you what, I'll hit your fade-away when you can do this." Nathan dribbles between his legs, bounces the ball, does a running jump shot, and finishes it off by slamming the ball through the net. Luke says patiently, "Nathan, the point is that you're not going to be able to do that anymore." Nathan snots, "Excuse me?" Luke explains, "You won't be able to get to the rack like that when you're double-teamed." And goodness knows he needs to be able to get to the "rack" with the "rock." What? Are the terms "ball" and "net" as obsolete as Keith's 1982 specials? Nathan doesn't take to constructive criticism kindly. He walks off the court saying, "I don't need your coaching. Just watch me get to the rack this weekend."
Larry Sawyer pulls up to the parking lot the day in his fire-red American sports car. You know, the one Luke fixed and Brooke washed back in the days when they were all friends. He parks as Karen says to Luke, "Well, I don't want you to think I'm trailing you like some paranoid mother." Luke laughs and tells her that she is a paranoid mother. Brooke walks by, totally ignoring both of them. Karen says, "Still getting the silent treatment?" Luke answers, "Like a mime." Larry and Peyton get out of the impressively cool car. As she closes the door, she says, "With the way you drive this thing, we could have gotten there in forty-five minutes and not deal with this whole bus mess." He teases, "Yeah, but I've got to embarrass you as much as possible in front of your friends to make up for lost time." Aw, he's really kind of sexy-cool, Peyton's dad. He laughs and asks her which one she's dating right now? Peyton rolls her eyes and says, "Try no one!" Heh. Peyton heads over to the cheerleader side of the parking lot, as Whitey introduces Larry to Karen. He calls the pair his "chap-er-ownes." Whitey continues, "A lot of these kids think The Classic's an excuse to party all weekend. It's your job to see that doesn't happen." Whitey walks ahead of them. Karen says, "We don't have a prayer. I used to be one of these kids." Larry jokes, "You? I've got a beer bong in my overnight bag." Are they allowed to say "beer bong" on television? Where's the five-second delay? Who's monitoring the family quality of this show? What is this teaching our children?
Brooke has piles and piles of cheerleading equipment she wants to put on the bus. Woda yells, "I don't care how important this weekend is, people top pom-poms. We can't fit all that stuff on the bus." Nathan and Haley come up behind them. Brooke snaps, "Fine. But you'll be responsible for ten very pissed-off cheerleaders." Nathan tells the coach that he can drive if they're short on space. At first, Whitey doesn't go for it, but Nathan insists he can fit all Brooke's "crap" in the trunk, so Whitey agrees, as long as the "boy" drives right behind the bus. Brooke smiles and smugly thanks Nathan for the help. Nathan's all excited. He says, "Come on, Hails, we'll ride in style." She resists at first, because Lucas is saving her a seat. He retorts, "What? Are you in third grade? Come on! We'll ride in style." He takes off, leaving all the crap he's supposed to be putting in his trunk behind. Haley passes under Luke's window and says, "Hey, I'm going to ride with Nathan. Is that cool?" Luke hides his disappointment, but says it's cool anyway.
The sign on the hotel says, "Secret Sparkle Collection Welcomes N.C. Cheerleaders to the Sparkle Classic." The kids mill about in the hallway as Whitey rages up and down the hallway barking orders: "Listen up! We've got a team meeting in the conference room right after dinner. Lights out at nine o'clock." He stops in front of Luke and hands him a card key and a piece of paper. Then he continues barking: "Consider your room assignments final." Heh. Luke and Nathan end up together. Nathan looks at Luke. Luke looks at Nathan; then he says, "You've got to be kidding me." Whitey giggles. Well, he grins; I suppose a man of his stature doesn't "giggle" per se, but he sure as hell is enjoying himself. He says, "Alphabetical order." He points at Nathan and says, "Scott." He points at Luke and says, "Scott. Unalterable." Then just like a giddy old schoolmarm, he wafts away on a cloud of euphoria that can only come from teaching some kids a lesson or two. Nathan says sarcastically, "You should have changed your name." Heh. Luke just stands there looking like his weekend just can't get any worse. His best friend abandons him for a kick-ass ride, his shoulder is still busted, and now he's got to share a room with Nathan.
After the break, Luke sits on the bed exercising the bane of his existence, and wincing every time he moves his shoulder up or down. Ouch! Poor baby with the fake injury that might hinder his game. As if. Nathan comes in from the bathroom, grabs the remote, flops down on the bed, and turns on the television. But wait -- in order for him to hear the game that's on, he has to turn off Luke's music. But he doesn't ask first, he just turns it off, so Luke says, "I was listening to that." Nathan snits, "Not anymore. I'm watching TV." So Luke gets up, grabs the remote that Nathan tossed to the bottom of the bed, turns off the television, and on his way into the bathroom he says, "Not anymore."
Of course, Peyton and Brooke are also rooming together. Peyton approaches with baby steps. She asks Brooke which bed she wants, but Brooke just gives her a cold stare and says, "Whatever." Peyton says, "Brooke, can we just make the best of this?" Brooke gives Peyton a look that's colder than poor Sir Robert Scott looked after he froze to death in Antarctica. "Fine," she says, "but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for the squad." Way to take one for the team, missy. "Call it a cheer truce." Peyton snorts. Then she tosses her jacket and bags on the bed closest to the door. She walks over and opens the adjoining door, and lo and behold who does she find there but our beloved Jake! He looks at Peyton, then Brooke, then back at Peyton, and starts making porno soundtrack-esque beats. Peyton giggles. Jake! leans into the doorway, points his finger, and says, "So, ah, you ladies order room service?" Heh. Peyton laughs. He laughs, and then after seeing that Brooke's so not impressed, she pushes Jake back into his room while joking it's good to have an escape route, "In case she tries to smother me with a pillow."
Jake starts unpacking his bag as Peyton collapses on the opposite bed. How come he doesn't have a roommate? The way Whitey's been fixing people up, I was certain he would have ended up with Dim. Peyton asks him how it's going, and Jake says he's going through Jenny withdrawal. You know, Hilarie Burton is getting so much better; she's not even a quarter as annoying as she used to be, and she's wearing cute Converse running shoes -- and in my world, the shoes really make a character. Anyway. Peyton says that he needs a weekend away, you know, just to relax and have a good time. She continues, "It doesn't happen too often." Jake continues to unpack. How much stuff did he bring? It's just one night. Jake drops a shirt on the bed and says, "There's been some new developments." Peyton leans forward: "Oh really? What are they?" But before Jake! can tell her about the triumphant return of Slutty Nikki, Brooke pounds on the door screaming for Peyton. She slides off the bed, says, "Sorry, Cheer Nazi calls," slaps Jake's hand with a high five, and exits hotel door left. Jake! looks a bit disappointed; he's digging Peyton, even if the vibe between them has been of the friendship nature up until now. Oh, then he goes back to unpacking. Because you can never be too prepared when it comes to The Classic.
The entire squad has converged in Brooke's Return of the Living Spirit Fingers HQ. Little Miss Con-cheer-iality stands in front of the group with her hands on her hips and barks, "Guess who's in the lobby? I'll tell you -- Clare Young and her little ho posse." Peyton jokes, "Okay! And if an angry dance-off breaks out, I got your back." Heh. Brooke's not pleased with Peyton's new-found sense of humour. She snits, "Great. Just don't stick another knife in it." Heh. Brooke bounds off after tossing a Secret deodorant at Teresa and barking, "Teresa, hit those pits and cover that zit. Points off for complexion." And who said revenge doesn't have a lot of energy? It seems Brooke's pouring her heart and soul into cheerleading because everything else in her life is such a mess.
And the corporate whore award goes to Secret! Hooray! There's Secret here, there, and everywhere. There's a huge display of the stuff in the lobby, where all the different cheerleading teams are milling about. So, Clare Young is blonde. In fact, ninety percent of her squad is blonde. And wearing about sixty pounds of makeup. Doesn't that make the cheerleaders hella-heavy to toss up in the air? Anyway, Brooke approaches with her sweetest, "Hi Clare, we just wanted to wish you luck this weekend." Clare turns around and bitches, "Um, we've won four years in a row." Someone else pipes up, "Including Clare for best choreography." Clare continues, "Yeah, so maybe you should keep your luck for yourself." She pauses for a second. Each girl places one hand on her hip like it honestly bears a spirit-finger holster. Clare says, "And who are you?" Brooke replies haughtily, "You know who I am, Brooke Davis, captain of the Tree Hill Ravens. We roomed together last summer at Spirit Camp." Clare says she has a faint recognition of Brooke, oh, and don't the Ravens lose every year? Then Clare and the Blonde Bombshell Posse checks out, leaving a steaming Brooke in its wake. With her teeth clenched, Brooke mutters, "Oh, it is so on." Heh. And I'll probably say this many times in this episode, but where are Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union when you need them? There's that whole wrong-side-of-the-tracks element missing from this battle of, ahem, wits -- I mean, "twigs."
Haley walks down the hallway. Who is she rooming with? Does anyone care? Nathan, of course, grabs her and pulls her into his room. They smooch. She says coyly, "You scared me." Nathan tells her that girls aren't allowed in the room, so they have to be covert. And yes, he used a big word like "covert" without any help from Haley. He wants her to hang -- read: "make out" -- but she's got to meet Lucas in the lobby for pizza. Blah empty hotel room, blah raging hormones, blah kissing, blah teenage romance blah. Luke opens the door mid-smooch and stutters, "Oh, sorry, I thought we had plans." Haley says, "We do!" But it's too late, Luke's already got the door closed and is saying something like no worries, never mind, it's no big deal. Haley runs after him, and they stand in the hallway for a minute. Luke tells her that it's really "cool" and that she should go be with her boyfriend. He takes off before she can even get a word in edgewise. Oh, but her lip gloss has magically reappeared from the instant she stopped making out to the second she ended up in the hallway with Lucas. I guess that doorway has a magical lip gloss reapplication mechanism. The camera pauses on Haley's face for a moment as she ponders Luke's strange behaviour.
Karen phones Keith from her hotel room to let him know about the change of plans. Karen explains, "One of the Booster Moms trapped me into chaperoning The Classic, so now I'm in Charlotte." Cut to Keith wearing a brand new shirt he bought for dinner tonight. And I'm shocked that Keith has any more heart left to break. She asks for a rain cheque, and he lies by telling her they were pretty backed up at the shop and he would have cancelled anyway. Karen says, "Okay, I'll see you when I get back?" They say their goodbyes, and Keith rips the shirt apart, glad for the drama of snaps versus buttons.
Back at The Classic, Brooke's complaining about that "little third-rate Britney" pretending not to know her name. For non-best friends, Peyton and Brooke spend a lot of time together. Peyton says, "Are you still obsessing over this? You made out with her boyfriend at camp." Heh. Brooke says defensively, "I didn't know they were dating." Wait for it. Wait for it. The obligatory dig: "Unlike some people." Pause. "And besides, he was a yell leader, he was gay anyway." Heh. Grumpy, bitchy Brooke kicks ass, especially when Peyton, never our favourite character, has been sticking by her like a true friend. The two girls are accosted by Dim, who seems to have caught the man-bangs disease. He says, "Ladies, we're sneaking out after curfew, spread the word, okay?" Brooke grabs Dim's ear and says threateningly, "Tim, stay away from my squad, they need to be fresh for tomorrow." He moans in pain, but gets the point. Turbo Brooke the Squad Leader barrels down upon poor Teresa, whose face is now covered in red spots. Brooke barks, "Teresa, I told you to lay off the chocolate. It's a good thing I have an acne mask." Peyton points out that the spots aren't acne. Teresa says, "It's chicken pox. Karen called my parents. I'm out." She continues under her breath, "Thank God." Brooke proceeds to totally freak out: "Could this get any worse?" Peyton says, "Brooke, it's okay, we'll re-work the routine." Brooke whines, "It's perfectly crafted for ten girls." Peyton says, "Okay, so we'll find a replacement." Brooke: "Okay, genius, so who we gonna ask?"
And cut to Haley saying, "No way." Exactly. Remember, she almost failed gym. Peyton says, "Haley, come on, I made you those flyers for Open Mic night?" Haley squashes her eyebrows together and retorts, "That is weak, you're a born artist. I'm a born klutz; I almost drown in the balls at Chuck E. Cheese." Peyton tells Haley that if they don't find a replacement, they're going to have to forfeit. But haven't they lost every year since grade school? Heh. At least they let Haley keep her wits about her as they put her into these ridiculous excuses for a storyline. Peyton says, "It's important to Brooke. Do you know how terrible it is to be disconnected from your best friend?" Pause. Finally, this note hits Haley where she can feel it. "I really hurt Brooke and I just don't want her to be disappointed again."
Dan Scott arrives at "his" service annex and talks with Matt, the "new" boss. Blah how's it going, blah going well, blah finish up for today, blah finish the rest off tomorrow blah. Dan barks, "Not tomorrow, tonight. We've got a whole new slate tomorrow. What's taking so long?" They pause pointedly in front of Keith, who is staring at a strange computer screen. Matt says, "We're just getting up to speed on the new equipment." Dan looks over at his brother, and you can just feel a condescending lecture coming on. Oh yes, and there's one thing with Dan, he never disappoints; he's always the asshole you imagine he would be. So, he tells Keith he should be taking some classes at night school at the junior college. Keith defends himself by saying that a car is still a car. Dan says, "Any dropout who has taken high school shop knows more about these cars than you do. You should really think about taking that course." Keith takes a deep breath. What's left of his ego has now joined his heart and is sitting in tiny shards at his feet. Keith says, "You should really think about stepping three feet back." Dan says, "If you had gone to college in the first place, you might not have had to get your hands dirty at all." What's wrong with making an honest living? What's wrong with manual labour? Why is it always assumed that people who work with their hands do it because they have little or no other choice? Maybe, just maybe, Keith loves cars and loved to own his own business. Why does Dan always have to rain on his parade?
Karen and Larry do the requisite bed check at curfew. They make some joke about how everything's gone well except for the Tim kid who peed in the ice machine. Um, ew. They decide to grab a cup of coffee and come back for another check at ten. Almost as if the kids are psychic, they all stick their heads out of their doorways minutes after Karen and Larry have exited hallway left. Music To Sneak Out After Curfew By plays as they all race down the hallway, giggling.
Brooke's left behind, eating ice cream. There's a soft knock on the door, and Brooke yells, "Just leave the cake and go." Karen comes in and tells her that they're safe; all the other girls have had chicken pox. Brooke says sarcastically, "Teresa always was a beat behind." Karen sits down on the other bed and asks Brooke how she's doing. Brooke answers honestly: "Pretty crappy. I put all my energy into this competition and it made me feel really good for a few days. It took my mind off of everything. Now I'm back to square one." Karen says they haven't had a chance to talk since she and Lucas broke up. Blah she's really sorry blah. Brooke says quietly, "It's his loss, right?" Karen nods her head: "He probably knows that." Pause. "And I know it doesn't seem like it, but I bet you and Peyton will get through this." Pause for a minute so Karen can take a breath for the pep talk. "And now, from a former Ravens cheer captain to another, I think you have taken these girls too far to give up." Brooke says the routine's for ten girls, and that without Teresa there are only nine, so unless she can pull a cheerleader out of her ass -- and in walks Peyton with Haley in tow. Haley says, "I make no apologies to my lack of coordination. It's genetic." Brooke looks at Karen and says, "It's impossible." Peyton's got that goofy smile on her face that she's had the whole weekend. She says, "But Brooke, you're the captain. You just need to get off your ass and stop pouting." Brooke replies, "We'd have to practice all night." She looks at Karen, "We'd have to break curfew." Karen smiles and says that if anyone asks, she was never there. Now, Brooke's back, people! Down goes the tub of ice cream to melt all over the hotel room night table. Up goes the sweat suit! She barks that they'll need black coffee because "sleep is [their] enemy," and they'll definitely need to do something about Haley's hair.
Downstairs, the b-ball boys make their way past the Secret Sparkle table. Surprisingly, all resist the urge to make a joke about how deodorant is sponsoring a cheerleading competition. Jake! and Luke walk together. Jake wonders how come Luke's not hanging out with Haley. And Luke snits, "Yeah, she's probably with Nathan." Speak of the devil, Nate comes up then and yells for Tim, who is standing in front of the rest of the cheerleading squad. With a huge grin on his face, Dim says, "So you ladies finally escaped psycho Brooke, huh?" Of course, Brooke comes up behind him right at that minute and whisper-threatens, "I told you to leave my squad alone!" She shoves Dim out of the way and says to the squad, "Ravens, we're back on!" The faces of all the girls fall as they unhappily fall in line. The boys watch them go with heavy hearts. Jake says, "It's a sad state of affairs when our own cheerleaders ditch us." Dim says all is not lost; he knows a "place" where they don't check IDs. He has a goofy grin on his face when he also mentions that checking identifications isn't the only "loose" thing about the club. Nathan's sick of the innuendo: "Tim, why don't you just call it a strip club." Jake says, "How are we going to get in?" Dim says they'll all pitch in ten bucks and he'll grease the bouncer. Nathan quips, "And after that you can bribe him." Heh.
With Haley now ensconced in the line-up, the cheerleaders are practicing for tomorrow's competition. Brooke gives Haley some bitchy pointers, something about clapping hands and jumping feet. Blah Haley's really trying blah. Clare Young comes up behind them, slowly clapping in that really patronizing way. She says in a whiny-annoying voice, "Ohhh, cute routine, girls. Too bad those moves are so '03." She steps forward: "Where'd you find your choreographer? In the yellow pages under 'S' for 'sucks'?" Oh, she's whip-smart, that Clare Young. Or not. Yawn. Brooke steps forward, ready for a challenge: "No, actually that's where I found your boyfriend." Clare Young looks like a clown, she's wearing so much makeup. She could save an entire cheer nation if she just spread it out a little bit. It's hideous. Anyway. Clare Young is a shrimp, because when she stands in front of Brooke, she's a half-head shorter, so when Peyton comes up to stand in between the two, she looks like an mini-cheerleader. Oh, and Peyton's got Brooke's "back." She tells Clare Young to step off. Clare's big comeback consists of a well-pointed "whatever." But then she giggles and calls out for the girls to remember their "jazz fingers." Thus, the Secret Showdown of '04 ends -- until they meet again, of course, this time on the mats. Haley says under her breath, "I'll give you a jazz finger." Brooke turns back to the girls and tells them Clare's probably just mad because her routine sucks.
But then, Mouth shows up and says, "Actually it's good. I've seen it." This gets Brooke's attention: "How good?" Mouth: "Lots of spins, some tumbles." Brooke says, "Give me some information I can use, Mouth. What are the moves exactly?" Mouth, always up for a challenge, busts a serious move and replays most of the team's routine. He claps. He hops. Then he jumps, touches his toes, shakes his ass, and finishes with a round-off that would make most gymnasts jealous. The girls watch with looks of shock and awe on their faces. Brooke says, "That is good! Do you want to replace Tutor Girl?" Mouth says, "Um, no thanks. Oh, and by the way, three other teams are using Junior Senior." And now, Brooke has a breakdown. Her first plan? To pull a Tonya Harding and hit Clare Young with a big stick. Heh. Peyton calms her down: "You're a better choreographer than Clare Young's ever been. We still have time to win it. Just teach us some new moves." What about our song? "You handle the moves. I'll take care of the song."
The boys are inside the strip club. Nathan and Dim sit down right in front of the stage. Perverts Row, if you will. Luke joins Jake and asks if he's drinking vodka. Jake smiles and says it's just water. But that he's wished for stronger in the past few days. Luke: "Tough week?" Jake! tells Luke that Jenny's mom popped up. Take note that Luke doesn't know that Nikki is Jenny's mom. And Jake! doesn't know that Luke, well, got busy with Nikki, so let's pause for a moment and reflect on the future fireworks of that situation. Anyway. Jake! doesn't want to talk about Nikki. He doesn't get nights like "this" very often, and he doesn't want her to ruin them. So, their meeting obviously went poorly. Jake! asks what's up with Luke and his love life. Luke tells him not much. Jake says, "Then there's Nathan and Haley." Luke replies, "Haley could be with anybody and I'd be happy for her" -- he looks over at Nathan and Dim, who are cackling, giddy with anticipation of naked women straddling a pole -- "even Tim," he continues, "but Nathan?" Jake! says, "Luke, Nathan's not my favourite guy, and if Haley sees something in him, there must be something there." Luke looks at Jake! as he continues, "She's got good taste in people, right?" Luke nods knowingly, but before they can continue their conversation, a group of women screeches like there's no tomorrow. Well, it's Ladies Night at the Peppermint Zebra. Heh. No wonder it was so easy for them to get in. Right on cue, two totally buff male strippers make their way down the runway and pull off their Velcro pants right in front of Nathan and Dim, who, of course, start groaning, moaning, and covering their eyes. Nathan shakes his head in disgust at Dim, and Jake! and Luke avert their eyes with a good chuckle.
Well, the girls are still at it. Peyton's hard at work burning a CD. Brooke's counting up and down to eight. She barks, claps, slaps, moves, and grooves. Bam! She tells Beven to do a high kick and "Tutor Girl" to do a diagonal. Haley stops for a second: "What's a diagonal?" Cue Mouth slapping his hands together and slamming his arms into said diagonal. Brooke thanks him and keeps on going. Peyton hands Brooke the CD. She says, "Ripped and burned! You can bet no one's going to have this." Brooke takes it from her and says, "This better be good." Peyton nods and says, "You're welcome." Heh. Brooke walks over to the boom box and says, "If we get this right to the music, I'll spring for escorts, guys."
The boys make their way back to the hotel. They're laughing and being teenagers. Nathan splits off from the group, and Luke says, "Hey, the hotel's this way!" Nathan tells him he's just going to check out the gym. Luke asks if he can go with him, and surprisingly Nathan says okay.
They arrive in the gym. Nathan says it'll be lit up tomorrow. He continues, "Dad's not going to be here so I figure I'll go for season highs just to piss him off." Where is he, anyway? "Lawyers told him to skip a game to show he's not controlled by basketball. So he brought in a satellite dish so he could get the live feed." Oh and corporate whore number two? Gatorade. They're sponsoring The Classic. Luke wishes he was out there, but the way he feels, he doesn't think he'll be back. Nathan says, "There's always other sports. You don't need arms to suck at soccer." Pause. "I busted my elbow a couple years ago. I was playing again in, like, six weeks." Ohh, what a man. He worked through the pain. Yawn. Blah brotherly advice, blah deal with the pain, blah shoot through the pain, blah eventually it'll get easier blah. Luke asks if he's been working on his fade-away. Nathan replies, "Fade-away's soft. Look, if the game is on the line and the rock is in my hand, I'm going to the hole, every time, that's my game."
Brooke's sweet-talked the night manager and got the hot tub opened up. The girls are relaxing after reworking their entire routine. In walks Peyton with a freshly dressed Haley wearing a new uniform. They've got her hair up in a ponytail, and she's kind of glowing. Brooke says, "Tutor Girl, you look bitchin'!" Haley giggles and says, "Yeah! I kind of do, don't I!" Brooke smiles: "Now get your suit! Hot tub therapy, both of you." Nathan comes up behind them and says incredulously, "Haley?" She turns around and tells him she's kind of filling in for Teresa. He leans in and says, "Works for me, I've got a thing for cheerleaders," then he kisses her -- but their pristine non-make-out session is interrupted by Dim, who tackles Nathan, which ends up with both boys landing in the pool. Haley laughs. The cheerleaders dive in with the boys. Lots of giggling and silly play fights start. Cheerleaders squeal. Basketball boys toss them around. Luke arrives and sees Haley in the uniform. She smiles and says, "They needed an extra! What do you think?" He looks her up and down and replies, "I think you look kind of ridiculous." Haley says coldly, "You do realize that both of your former girlfriends are cheerleaders. Oh right, excuse me, I guess I'm not allowed to have any fun." Luke insists that's not it. Haley says it is: "I'm having a good time, I'm happy. You'd think my friends would be happy too." Nathan yells, "Haley, get in!" Then he tosses Dim and dunks him under the water. But wait! It's Woda, and he's a stealth fighter! Whitey silently shows up behind Luke, who is totally taken aback -- he actually jumps out of his skin and says "whoa!" Woda looks mad. Like, red steam and fury barrelling out of his ears mad. He glares at the idiots in the pool, and for a moment, I think even the water is afraid to move.
After the break, Woda's totally pissed. He's screaming and screaming and screaming. The veins in his head are alive with overworked blood and powered by rage. He yells, "How in the hell am I going to win a ball game with hungover idiots? I don't know why you got on the damn bus in the first place if you weren't going to take this seriously!" The camera cuts to a very contrite Karen and Larry, sitting on a couch, getting their ears chewed off by Whitey. He screams, "And you call yourselves chaperones! It's pathetic!" Whitey's all out of words, he dismisses them with a grunt and a hand wave and grumbles his way out the door. Karen and Larry can't contain themselves anymore. They just start giggling. Wouldn't you? Ah, Woda, you're wicked.
Later that evening, Luke wakes up from a deep sleep to a strange ringing. Nathan's up and playing a video game. Luke looks at the clock and tells Nate that it's four in the morning. Nathan: "If I go to sleep now, I'll never wake up. I'll be a total waste for the game tomorrow." He holds the game up and tells Luke that it's classic basketball. "I'd give you but you'd probably hurt yourself again." Luke whines, "What is Whitey doing putting us together in a room." Nathan says, "He's just bored and evil." I sort of know where this comment is coming from, but it's also strange -- maybe Luke's feeling the pressure with Nathan now taking over his world, you know, where Haley is concerned: "You know, when I was younger I always wanted a younger brother. Then I found out about you. Got over that in a hurry." Now, shockingly, it's Nathan who takes the high road: "What you've been doing to Haley. You were kind of a dick to her tonight." Luke squints at him. Maybe he needs glasses. He squints all the time. Oh, right, that's acting. I forgot. Luke says, "You know, she used to be this totally original Haley. Then, you came along." Nathan argues, "As far as I can tell she's still the same person she's always been. The only difference is now she's with me." Pause. He looks over at Luke and retorts, "So maybe the problem's not with her, but with you."
Has morning come this quickly? Right, so here we are at the competition. Welcome everyone! To the corporately sponsored Sparkle Classic! First up are the Bear Creek Warriors! Cue cheerleaders doing back flips. Oh, and chanting: "Bear Creek Warriors! Champions to beat, let's hear it! Better than the Ravens. You'll see!" Heh. Brooke steams. Hey, you know what's different about these girls? Yeah, they're actually athletes with strong legs and muscles and aren't bone-thin like the girls on the Ravens' team. Three cheers for healthy bodies and for this show actually finding some real cheerleaders -- too bad they made them the enemies. Sigh. And they're off. They mix it up. They do the funky funky beat. They wiggle. Roll their arms. They jiggle. They slap their asses and scream, "Bring IT!" And I swear to goodness that if it gets "brought" anymore I'm honestly going to hurl. Girls are lifted up. Girls are dropped. Girls smile and taunt. Oh yeah, and the Bear Creek Warriors kick ass! Sorry, Brooke, but it's the truth.
So now it's time for Brooke's pep talk: "I want you guys to think about Teresa, lying at home, itchy and covered in calamine lotion." Ah, Peyton's got a ponytail. It's cute! She looks like she belongs in Pleasantville. "The last thing she said to me was 'this sucks,' and this will suck unless we win." The announcers belts out: "up in this year's Sparkle Classic by Secret: The Tree Hill Ravens!" And I'm seriously hoping we've reached our Secret quota, because one more corporate whore reference and I might hurl, again. And they're off! But before they go, Brooke thanks Peyton for her help. Aw, Peyton says she knows it's important to Brooke, so it's important to her too! Whee. The girls are Kung Fu Fighting. Ah, they're fast as lightning. Whoa. Whoa. Yawn. So they kick. They clap. Mouth watches from the stands and does the moves. It's the cheerleading version of the air guitar. The team watches from the stands also. The boys are smiling. Of course, the boys are smiling, what am I saying: they're quasi-teenage girls in hot cheerleader uniforms. All the stereotypes are working for them today. Some extras do some flips. The girls shake their asses. Haley slaps her thigh and throws her arms above her head with abandon. Gone are the days of almost failing gym class. And the big finish includes a Vegas-style row of high-kicks and an elbow-hip thingy. Heh. After they finish, Nathan embraces Haley and tells her she did an "awesome" job. Haley thanks him while Luke watches them, and wonders if Nathan wasn't right about the problem really being with him.
Fast forward to the end of the competition. They got through all the competitors in record time, because we still have to play the basketball game. Is it Saturday still? Well, the Ravens don't place and the Bear Creek Warriors win, but Brooke pulls it out of the hat and wins for Best Choreography. Brooke jumps, giggles, and gets excited. When she grabs her trophy, she juts her hip out and makes a face at Clare Young, who then holds on to her big trophy for dear life. Heh.
Luke comes into Haley's room after the competition. They great each other with very tempered "hey"s. He says, "You were really amazing out there." She says, "Yeah, I thought maybe I looked ridiculous." He sits down and tries to explain why he's been acting like such an ass. In the end, he just misses her, even if she is with Nathan. Haley sits down and faces him: "Luke, I miss you too. But have you thought about how hard this is on me? Juggling the two of you guys?" She pauses. "Luke, you're really important to me, I care about you. But Nathan is important to me too, and if you want to be a part of my life, eventually, sooner or later, you're going to have to be a part of his too." He nods his head. Man. He's getting kicked from all angles. His girls won't talk to him. His best friend is hot and heavy with the enemy. His shoulder sucks. Man, it's hard to be Luke these days! Aw, poor baby. They slap hands to make up. Luke asks if she wants to sit with him to watch the game. Haley yells, "Hell yes!" And then whacks him on the shoulder, which, of course, causes him to wince in pain. Yawn.
Fast forward to mid-game. There's fifteen seconds to go. Mouth's got the commentary. The Ravens need to score. Whitey tells them to get the ball to Nathan, and if that doesn't work, to Jake! It's down to one basket. Of course, Nathan's double teamed. Of course, he's down to the wire. Of course, he puts up the fade-away, just like Luke told him too. Of course, the Ravens win the game. Oh, and Whitey gets his five hundredth win! The crowd erupts. Luke claps and smiles. Haley leans on him and says, "Hey, you were rooting for Nathan!" He says, "I was rooting for the team." She giggles: "Whatever you say." Nathan walks toward courtside and gives Luke the finger-gun salute. Yup. Maybe they really are getting to know and like one another -- or maybe it's all just fuel for the fire, who knows, but all that matters is the boys are back playing basketball. And winning! Hoo-ha!
Back in Tree Hill, Keith and the boys from the garage are kicking back with a little game of pick-up themselves. Of course, Dan shows up to be an asshole. He gets hold of the ball and says, "I make this shot, you get your asses back to work." Of course, the ball glides effortlessly through the net. Keith stands by and shakes his head. The minions pile back into the garage. He stops Matt and says, "Hey! I expect this from Keith, but I expect you to be me when I'm not here. Get back to work." Keith says, "Come on, Dan, we were just taking a break." Um, okay, wasn't Dan supposed to be glued to the live feed? What time is it? Is the game over in Tree Hill too? Why are they working on a Sunday? Dan goes in for the kill: "Well, break's over, Axl Rose. You never had a strong work ethic. If you did, it'd still be your name up on that sign." Nope, Keith's done. He's taking Nathan's lead and getting the hell away from Dan. Dan snaps, "What in the hell's the matter with you? I do everything I can to help you keep your business." Blah attitude, blah lord it over him, blah brothers, blah not getting along blah Dan wants Keith to feel small, blah Keith's had enough, blah he walks out blah. "You can take the shop. I quit." And with that, Keith takes the basketball in his hand and hurls it at Cardboard Dan, totally decapitates him, and walks away.
The bus has arrived from Charlotte. All the cheerleaders hug Mouth and thank him for all his help. He's in his element. Brooke walks up and says part of her trophy belongs to him. He jokes that they can share it; you know, each have it on alternate weekends and stuff. But Brooke's not letting it out of her sight. Haley runs up to Brooke and gives her back the uniform. The medley music starts up. Brooke says, "Thanks, Haley." Of course, that's touching! Haley says to herself, "Did she just call me 'Haley'?" Blah wrap up, blah Nathan/Luke, blah he would have hit the shot, blah with or without the fade-away, blah get his ass back on the court, blah they're actually having a conversation blah. Haley walks up and says, "Hey! This is a first." Some random guy shouts, "Hey! Haley!" She says a confused "hey" back to him. Nathan asks who he is, but she doesn't have a clue. Luke jokes, "Well, I guess that's a first too." Blah goodbye hugs blah. Blah jokes about Haley in the cheerleading uniform blah.
Peyton and Luke stand together watching Larry flirting with Karen; they're totally laughing, joking, and looking like they're right into each other. Luke sees this and replies, "Yeah, weird," to Peyton's, "This is totally weird." Only his face isn't happy, considering he's thinking about Keith and stuff. Brooke sees Peyton and Luke standing together, and she wells up with hatred all over again. Peyton notices her and runs over. She says, "Do you think Clare Young's still in shock?" Brooke replies, "Look, Peyton, it was really fun to get caught up in the fun of the weekend and forget about all the crap between us." Peyton agrees; it was fun. "But it doesn't change what you did. Okay, we're not friends anymore. We're just on the same squad." Peyton says, "Brooke, you might not be my friend, but I'm yours. And I'm going to prove it to you." Aw, poor Nathan, he watches all his teammates walk by with their parents. But then he gets into his Mustang, drives off with his hot girlfriend, and heads over to his own apartment. Yeah, that's rough.
Back at Karen's Café, Larry and Karen are reliving the weekend's experiences. Keith comes in and sees the two of them. Karen apologizes for missing their dinner, and then introduces Keith to Larry. They joke with each other about the weekend in front of Keith, and he looks crestfallen; he does his best, but he can't take it. He lies to Karen about his weekend, makes some excuse about having to pick up an oil filter, and bails.
Whitey stands by a sign congratulating him on his five hundredth win. His grin can only be described as "shit-eating."
The montage music continues with Keith cleaning the last of his stuff out of what is no longer his garage.
Brooke puts her trophy on her dresser, takes down a picture of the three ex-friends, tears Luke off, tears Peyton off, and leaves herself in her hands. Then she cries. Yawn.
Luke's at the River Court. He throws a basket and winces. He says, "That's one." And goes to grab the ball for number two.
Nathan ends up alone in his empty apartment, looking around at his bare walls and his rooms not filled up with any furniture, and wonders if he made the right decision.
week on One Tree Hill: Many girls scream and bid for Nathan as he rips off his tearaways and opens his shirt. On his chest is written "Boy Toy." Haley looks stunned. Peyton screams, "Whoa!" Haley says she's in love for the first time. Deb says she plans to get "down and dirty" with Dim. Peyton and Nathan end up in the pool, talking about it being "just sex, right." Luke sees them kiss. Oh, and Dan opens up his front door to see Dim in leopard print jockeys, pulling up his pants, and Deb down at, ahem, that level, looking totally dishevelled. Dan says, "Oh, the lawyers are going to love this." Looks like they're continuing the whole tongue-in-cheek fun of this week week. Let's hope it stays that way for a while, because I can't take any more issues.