Previously on One Tree Hill: Jake told Lucas that baby Jenny's mom was out of the picture; Brooke surprised Lucas with her mastery of feng shui; Brooke embarrassed Peyton and Haley by having a big meltdown in the shopping mall after Lucas dumped her; Lucas insisted he wants to be with Peyton shortly before passing out; Peyton dumped Lucas after feeling guilty for getting some play behind Brooke's back; Brooke got on her moral high horse and rode out of Peyton's room in high dudgeon. In other words, we have last week's episode, save for one scene. Thank you, Previously Monkeys, for tipping your hand on tonight's plot developments before we even get to the credits.
Speaking of the credits, there they are. I love how the actor who plays Dan is in the credits with the kids, but the actors who play the responsible grown-up characters on the show are all tacked on at the end. It speaks volumes about Dan's peer group, I'm thinking.
So it's the beginning of the school day, and Peyton's about to walk into the school from one direction when she sees Brooke walking toward the door from another direction. She calls out Brooke's name, and Brooke makes a big show of ignoring her by looking directly at Peyton and not saying anything. Peyton stands there and looks a little surprised that Brooke might still be mad at her. Jake comes over right then and asks what's going on, just in case any of the viewers at home haven't been paying attention for the last few weeks and were wondering themselves. Peyton sums up: "Boy meets girl, girl doesn't know what she wants, boy dates girl's best friend, girl ruins everything." Girl also needs to enunciate better: whomever is providing the closed captioning for this show has clearly gotten up to take a break and is letting their cat run across the keyboard until they return, and Peyton's rapid mumbling does nothing to help.
Anyway, Jake asks if there's anything he can do, and Peyton mutters some string of nonsense syllables -- e-nun-ci-ate, dammit! -- and they move on to why Jake looks less adorably amiable than usual. It's because he's working off two hours of sleep on account of Jenny's constant crying the night before. So much for the myth that he's young and immortal. Peyton makes some joke about helping Jenny booze herself to sleep, and then Jake gets around to asking her if she could baby-sit Jenny so he can go to a family wedding downtown. Why not? It's not like she has a boyfriend or a best friend to hang out with. Peyton asks what the pay is, and Jake laconically replies, "An entire night away from all this drama that you got going on?" How can Peyton say no to that? Jake thanks her and walks off.
Out at Dan's swinging beach pad, Daddie Dearest is serving a heaping helping of manipulation as part of Nathan's nutritious breakfast. Nathan replies bitterly, "I gotta go. I haven't made it to school on time once since I moved out here." Dan holds up a car key and replies, "Well, you will now." He tosses Nathan the keys and they magically teleport outside so Dan can tell him, "Five-speed Mustang, fully loaded, and she's all yours." If I were Nathan, I'd be insulted that my dad thought my love could be bought for a mere five figures. Nate checks out the car while the Prince of Darkness stands there and smugs, "I know the divorce has been hard on you. I just want to thank you for sticking by your old man." That's not a big, black coat Dan's wearing for no good reason: that's his own personality reality-warping device. He must have opted for the portable version so he could revise history on the go. Nate looks disgusted, and Dan says, "You're not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth, you know." And you're not supposed to give a gift with the expectation of having people fawn all over you, Dan. Nate points out that, "It's not a gift, Dad. It's a bribe." Perceptive. Clearly, he's gotten the recessive genes in the family. Dan snots, "Not exactly the 'thank you' I was expecting. I was hoping you'd call me Master. Renounce your mom, maybe." Or something along those lines. Nate thanks Dan for providing him with a quick and easy means of escaping before the portable reality-warping coat wraps him in its dark arms. Dan looks stunned that anyone could construe his actions as anything other than genuine.
Back at Tree Hill High School, Haley comes up to Peyton and says that Lucas gave her the 411 on the Brooke situation, and adds an I-told-you-so for good measure. That's exactly what Peyton needs to hear! Thanks, Tutor Girl! Peyton says as much: "Ten points for Haley." Haley asks how Brooke is, and Peyton points out that they're not on speaking terms. Why are we reviewing this? Apparently, so we can check their reaction when Nate comes driving in. Peyton asks, "What'd you do? Knock over your dad's dealership?" "What'd you do? Steal your best friend's boyfriend?" Nate shoots back. Oh, he does not. Actually, he gives her the silent treatment. Heh. Peyton walks off, and Haley asks what's going on. Nate tells her it's Dan's latest move in the divorce wars -- bribery and a reminder that he who makes the gold, makes the rules. Haley tells him to give it back, and Nathan counters that so long as Dan's strong-arming him into living there, he's going to soak the old man for all he's worth. I bet if Nathan withholds his love some more, he'll have the beach house by the weekend. He then asks, "So what'd you do last night?' "My Lilith Fair revue. A few Jewel songs. Some Lisa Loeb. That Sarah McLachlan number," Haley replies. Actually, it's worse: she was up all night bidding for Sheryl Crow tickets on eBay. Because high schoolers think adult contemporary artists are fo shizzle. If Nate had one-tenth of his father's scheming ability, he'd be using this to his advantage and making Dan run around all own town to get those tickets. Instead, he offers to let Haley come over and suck on his fat bandwidth pipe tonight as she tries to bid on three more auctions. His DSL line, y'all.
Lucas is in the gym, one arm pinned to his body in a sling, the other attempting bicep curls. Shouldn't he maybe work up to this, instead of being all, "Suffering -- pant! -- ennobles! Suffering -- gasp! -- ennobles!" Just then, another player (I apologize for not knowing who) comes up and asks if maybe Lucas shouldn't be pushing it. The player -- who, like Lucas and Nate, seems to be on the short side, which is something of an anomaly in basketball -- asks if Lucas shouldn't be in physical therapy. Lucas would rather strain his muscles than actually do something rehabilitative with them. You know --- forget doctors and physical therapists. What investment do they have in your health, anyway? The player points out that Lucas is risking injury, and Lucas snots, "Whose side are you on anyway?" Who is the conflict between? Lucas vs. Fancy Book-Learnin'? The player's all, "I'm on your side. Now settle down. See if your doctor can hook you up with a sedative or something, because you're one jacked-up ass." Or something like that. Lucas tells this guy, "I worked hard to be a part of this team, Skittles." "Skittles"? Like, "taste the rainbow?" Does he use that on dates? I could be mishearing; the actors on this show aren't exactly adherents of the Henry Higgins school of diction. I don't know if this guy's name is Skittles or Skins or Skids or Skibble or Scrabble. Not knowing his name in no way diminishes my affection toward him. Anyway, Lucas carries on about how he's not giving up his team spot, and some other team member comes in and cheerily says, "Hey, gimp! Coach wants to see you at practice, pronto?" "Gimp"? Does this mean he gets the little outfit and the redneck keepers too? Lucas whines, "Why?" and the other guy goes, "What am I, psychic?" Skittles looks disgusted. He's probably wondering if he can transfer to a team with taller guys.
Lucas heads to practice, but gets distracted when Brooke fumes by him with the silent treatment. He's all, "Brooke! I'm sorry!" and she shoots back, "Yeah -- sorry you got caught." Brooke, 1. Lucas, 0. Lucas bleats that he didn't meant to hurt her, and Brooke calls him on that too, and then Lucas, failing to see the abundant cues telling him to shut up and drop it, assures her that they were overcome by the forces of destiny, baby. I love how the person who wronged Brooke is all, "Understand where I'm coming from with this!" Why should she? Brooke tells Lucas to go to hell. I'm giving her another point for that, because I find Lucas to be incredibly annoying, and I suspect the only reason he's got women fighting over him in the first place is because there's apparently a man shortage in Tree Hill. So: Brooke, 2. Lucas, 0. Hop along, gimp. Coach is expecting you.
The basketball players are practicing, and Whitey is busy telling them they're going to have to work twice as hard since they're down a man. The cheerleaders are all standing around listening to this since they have to cheer extra hard for this critical man shortage or something. Anyway, Haley gives Brooke a nervous look while Brooke rolls her eyes contemptuously and goes back to staring elsewhere. Lucas wanders on over, and Whitey asks him how the shoulder's doing. Whitey then tells him to quit working on it, and Lucas is all, "Oh, don't tell me you're with the doctor on this one." Whitey is: he's going to be babysitting Lucas courtside. I'm not sure who's that worse for.
Lucas flounces off in a snit, and just as he opens the door, Dan and his reality-distorting coat come in. You know Dan secretly wishes that were a cap, and he lived somewhere where it was acceptable to wear a top hat and a moustache that he could twirl. There's an awkward moment, and Dan finally says, "Didn't expect to see you back in the gym so soon." Lucas snots, "I'll bet." Dan awkwardly gets out of the way and holds the door, and Lucas snots some more, "I can get my own door." I have no idea who I'm supposed to root for in this scene. On the one hand, Dan is evil, yet entertaining. On the other hand, Lucas is not evil, but not entertaining. Dan rolls his eyes and says, "Fine. You're welcome."
Lucas spits, "I'm welcome?" Dan turns around and replies, "I bought your half-brother a car today. Don't you want to thank me for that? Someone should. I've been asking people all day." Oh, he does not. He smugs, "Yeah, the whole rescue thing. Don't sweat it." I'd say that one episode makes up for years of near-poverty living, feelings of abandonment, small-town gossip…why the hell isn't Lucas sending the FTD "Thanks for pulling me off the tracks, birth dad!" bouquet? Lucas says, "You've got to be kidding me!" and Dan rolls his eyes again before asking, "Oh, what'd I do now? Save your life wrong?" Heh. Everyone's scoring points off Lucas today. Lucas tells him, "What you did doesn't change what you are. It doesn't make you a good guy." Dan snuggles down into the portable reality-distortion field and replies, "You're right. I pulled you from that car so I could make your life a living hell. It was all a big plan so you could live to watch my son take his team to the state championships. Is that it? Is that what you want to hear?" Dan's nearly -- but not quite --as good at the self-pity monologue as Tony Soprano. Lucas has no snappy comeback. Not surprising -- neither side of the family seems especially quippy. Just then, Nate makes a basket, and Dan cheers him on while Lucas stands there and looks all teary, then flounces on out in a manner guaranteed to make everyone stare at Dan. Poor Nate. Seriously. Haley stares some more at Brooke, who meets her eyes for a moment before going back to ignoring her.
Nathan is storming out of the school with Dan on his heels. He tells him, "For once, I'm with Lucas, Dad. I've got nothing to say to you." Dan looks surprised for a moment, then lashes out again. He's all, "I was dropping off the bag you left when you drove off in the car I gave you." This is clearly someone who decided that Galileo was wrong: the Earth does not rotate around the sun. Rather, it revolves around him. Nate snots that he's got clothes elsewhere, and Dan huffs, "What's a guy gotta do around here to get a little gratitude?" Except that Dan doesn't want gratitude. He wants fealty. Nate points out that the car's not really a gift so much as it is a capital investment. Dan's all, "Then return the car." Nate totally should. But he doesn't, and Dan smugs, "Yeah, that's what I thought." Then he asks Nate what he can do before Nate will fully accept his reality-warping version of events. "Here," he croons, stroking the coat. "Put this on. Everything will make so much more sense." Oh, not really.
Brooke and her pom-poms flounce on out of the building, and we can see the freeway running through the parking lot in the background. Traffic's moving at a good clip, too. Peyton follows behind, shouting, "Sooner or later, you're going to have to talk to me!" Brooke more or less points out that she really doesn't have to. Peyton's all, "If I could turn back time…" Except you can't. And Peyton and Lucas both need to suck it up, realize their actions hurt someone, and live with the consequences instead of insisting that Brooke get over it so they can feel better about yourselves. Apologies don't magically heal all damage. Anyway, Brooke points out that going back to the way things were entails having Peyton poach her boyfriend beneath her nose. Eventually, they get to the "Did you sleep with him?" part of the conversation, and Peyton offers yet another rationalization, but Brooke's not having any of it. Good for her, I say. She should smack down Peyton every week. Of course, she should do so at the top of her lungs, because I'm still catching only about every third word she's saying, but it's still a promising start. Right now, I'd put the score at Brooke, 3. Peyton, 0.
Meanwhile, Dan and his coat have gone on to spread more discord in another part of town -- the part taken up by Keith's auto business. Dan clumsily comments, "A sudden financial crisis? Don't tell me you're trying to make good on a certain nephew's medical expenses?" Keith just sighs and smacks him down: "I don't have time for your jabs today." Dan calls, "Well, can you at least say 'thank you'? I bought my son a car today. Someone needs to thank me for it." Dan then offers to buy the place -- market value for the property, with Keith running the service center for a fair salary. Keith says, "You want me to work for you," with all the enthusiasm and brio of a man whose friends want to set him up on a blind date with Courtney Love. Dan's all, "Nope. No, no, no. no, no. You'll still be your own boss. I'll just be the guy behind the curtain. And once this place returns to profitability, I’ll even let you buy it back." Rather than scream, "Get thee behind me!" Keith says, "You must really think I'm an idiot." "Well, yeah. Is it a deal?" Dan replies. Actually, no. He posits that his sale offer is his way of rewarding his brother for picking up his son's medical expenses. Well, in that case, how can Keith not be grateful? Dan and the coat take off, and Keith looks thoughtful.
Nate pulls up to stately Scott manor in the new car, and Deb hugs him with a big, "I missed you." Nate grouses that he's only been gone a week. Deb apologizes for how things ended, and he's all, "Whatever," before heading inside. Deb calls, "Nice car! Did Dan give it to you?" Nate sulks, "Yeah. So?" Deb says she never considered the possibility that Dan would bribe Nate. Why not? He blackmailed the boy last week. She adds that she can't compete. Nate points out that he's subjected to Dan's shock and awe campaign because he's trying to keep Dan from airing Deb's dirty laundry all over town. He stalks off with, "You want to keep your secrets. I guess we all lose." Well, not Dan. He makes out like a bandit.
Meanwhile, at Karen's café, Karen, Lucas, and Haley are chowing down. Karen comments that she can't remember the last time they all did this, and Haley says, "Yes. It's just like old times, minus a spleen." Karen's amused, but Lucas drops his fork and looks irritated. Haley protests that "It's a joke! Tragedy plus time -- ha, ha?" No. No matter how long you sit on that one, it'll never be funny. Not that the spleen isn't a rich source of comedic punchlines, but Haley doesn't have what it takes to make a spleen joke. Karen asks about physical therapy, and Lucas reasserts his position that life was so much better when all doctors did was stick you with leeches to balance the humours. Karen moves on to asking about school, but since school leads to education, which leads to the medical establishment, Lucas isn't keen on discussing that either. He bitches that Brooke hates him and Peyton won't talk to him, and Haley makes another ha-ha with, "See, it is like old times." She's a regular Dorothy Parker, only without the glasses and the wit. Lucas then mopes that Dan told him the only reason he pulled him out of the wreckage was to make his life miserable. Wow, did Lucas's sense of sarcasm get removed with his spleen? See, that? Was a funny spleen joke, if I do say so myself. Karen and Haley send back the RVSP to Lucas's pity party with their regrets. Lucas takes it badly and storms out. Nobody loves him, everybody hates him, he's going to go eat worms.
If by "worms," you mean "booze," then it looks like Lucas is well on his way. He's crashed a fern bar (well, come on: it's Sheryl Crow playing), and his fake ID has passed muster, so Lucas sits down among all the pretty twinkly fairy lights and eases off the sling, since his master plan is to get his shoulder too drunk to remember its injury. The bartender pops a beer down in front of Lucas and tells him Elvira, Mistress of the Night, sitting catty-corner at the bar, got it for him. Lucas turns to check the mystery woman out; she and her eye makeup bid him a seductive hello. Lucas raises his beer to her and takes a sip, thinking, "I should fight with my mom more often!" Mystery Woman cocks an eyebrow at him in the universal come-hither sign.
Lucas heads on over. Mystery Woman compliments him on his eye contact. Well, it beats complimenting his sling, or asking, "I love a man with a hot, throbbing spleen. Tell me you're packing a spleen and we'll party all night, cowboy." See? Spleen cracks. Not hard. Mystery Woman asks for a name. Our hero replies, "I'm Lucas," and Mystery Woman takes this as a cue to go into some quasi-intellectual monologue about not confusing your name with your identity. Lucas commits his last sensible act of the night by responding, "…Okay. Thanks for the beer." Then he does a stupid thing when Mystery Woman asks if he believes in magic: he turns around. He does not ask, "The card gathering or the occult practice?" Mystery Woman bids him, "Sit down. Let me show you a trick." Oh, I've seen this one! It's "How to make an idiot sit!" The key is in picking an audience ringer. Mystery Woman then uses the miracle of vacuums to suck a drink back in a glass: she lights the toothpick on her lime slice, drops a glass on top, and watches the vacuum that results after the match burns off all the oxygen; it pulls the drink inside the glass. However, Mystery Woman has never heard of Boyle's Law, so she calls it "magic." I bet you she's got the intellectual mindset to appreciate Lucas's anti-twentieth-century mindset. Lucas asks Mystery Woman her name, and she replies, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you." Hey -- she does have a lot of tricks up her sleeve!
Back in her room, Peyton is doing penance via a panel of three people shooting at a heart with the numeral "3" on its middle. They're clearly supposed to be Brooke, Lucas, and her. Peyton is only kidding herself: she's biding time until Cathy Guisewite retires. Aaack! Anyway, Peyton colors the heart while Sheryl Crow sings "Home," which is one of maybe three Sheryl Crow tracks I don't loathe on general principle, then catches her own image in the webcam and decides to turn the whole thing off. Just then, her phone rings, and the caller ID reads "Lucas cell." Peyton quickly picks up and finds out that it's not Lucas -- it's Karen on Lucas's cell phone, going through the numbers to track the kid down because she's worried about him. As well she ought to be, considering what Lucas was keeping company with in the bar. Karen then asks Peyton if there's any chance Lucas is with Brooke, and instead of laughing her off the line, Peyton politely says she'll talk to Brooke. Karen's all, "I don't mean to sound like a nervous mother, but he did just get out of the hospital." And collapse on Peyton's bed, so there's precedent.
Brooke is in her room, watching a melodrama where a woman is sobbing, "I don't care what you do! I don't care what happens! I haven't any pride!" Brooke mutters and rolls her eyes, snapping, "Pull it together!" Attagirl! She switches channels and lands on the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with Jessica Biel screaming on the screen. I bet Sara M. wishes a chainsaw-wielding maniac would thin the crowd on 7th Heaven. Brooke's pleased with this choice, but before her mood can lighten, Peyton comes in to wreck it again. Brooke asks, "What are you doing here?" Peyton begins, "You're not answering your phone --" "And apparently, you're not getting the message. I don't want to talk to you. I can't believe you actually came over here!" Brooke interrupts. Heh. Peyton says, "Lucas's mom called. She can't find him." Brooke stabs her carton of Chinese food with her chopsticks and says, "Not my problem." Peyton snaps, "Okay, fine. But if you can figure out where he might be, at least call his mom." She heads out the door as Brooke wrestles with her conscience, and just as Peyton hits the hall, Brooke tells her to wait.Back at the bar, Mystery Woman is tossing back a shot while Lucas is pondering his empty beer mug. She asks Lucas what his girlfriend's name is, adding, "You got one, right?" Lucas says, "I don't have one anymore. I had two." Mystery Woman wants details; Lucas is all, "One's all about fun, and the other feng shui'd my bedroom. I still don't get that." Oh, not really. He sums up Brooke and Peyton as the fun one and the deep 'n' emotional one, respectively. Mystery Woman demonstrates her fathomless capacity for empathy with, "So you got a broken heart. And you're in here pouting? Boo hoo. You know what the Easter Bunny and true love have in common? Nothing. But I'm trying to pretend I'm all nihilistic and dark, so I'm going to say they're both myths." Lucas mistakes Mystery Woman's intellectual wankery as an indication that they're kindred souls. She's not having any of it -- it's more fun to grab her jailbait and run. On the way out the door, she finally introduces herself as Nikki.
Keith is doing who-knows-what in the middle of the night -- one presumes he's consulting with a nocturnal species of lawyer on whatever contract Dan drew up and wants signed in blood -- when Karen comes walking in out of nowhere. Keith looks understandably wary to see her. Karen apologizes for coming by, but she's looking for Lucas. Keith asks, "Why? Is everything okay?" Of course -- she just came by to taunt you for not seeing Lucas lately, you dim bulb. Karen fills him in on Lucas's dinnertime stomp-out, then gets around to asking about the "for sale" sign. Keith equivocates on why he's selling -- sensibly, lest we get dragged into Blamefest 2004's encore set -- and Karen's all, "I'm taking out a loan against the diner, and I'm going to write you a check." Keith reiterates that he won't take any money, and -- too late! We're in the first number in the set, "I won't owe for my son's medical expenses," followed by "It was all my fault, and I'm filled with unrequited love for you." Keith tells her he found funding and Karen's all, "Promise me you're not about to do something stupid." Keith tries hard to avoid mentioning Dan, since doing so would more or less confirm that he's about to do something stupid.
And now, back at the Faerie Lights and Grille, Brooke is dragging Peyton past the pool table, explaining that she and Lucas had their first date at the bar on account of its nonexistent carding policies. Nobody has the heart to tell Brooke that she's among the people on this show who look like their view of their twenty-first birthdays are rapidly receding in the rearview mirror. The bartender comes by for a drink order, and Peyton says they're actually there to look for someone -- "Tall, blondish, kind of a loner?" "Cheats on his girlfriend with skinny blonde bitches," Brooke adds. Heh. She then notices the sling Lucas left and uses it as a prod to jog the bartender's memory. The bartender's all, "You just missed him, but he wasn't a loner when he left, if you know what I mean." Brooke beams at Peyton and decides she wants a beer. Attagirl! Peyton orders, "Make it two." Attagirl!
Meanwhile, Lucas and Nikki are at a carnival. The minute they start in with the mystical jibber-jabber and the slack-jawed, dirt-covered Okies, I'm out of here. It turns out Nikki used to work at the local funhouse carnival thingy, but she ditched it because it cut into her trawling-for-jailbait time. She turns on the carousel, and it lights up to yet another Sheryl Crow track. Gosh, who could be dropping in for a surprise appearance during the episode? Anyway, Lucas frets about getting caught, and Nikki babbles on with what-if this and what-if that until I wonder, "What if you just shut your pie hole, Nikki?" She shrugs off her jacket so we can get the full effect of the cropped tank top, then tells Lucas to relax and enjoy the ride. Unfortunately for her, Lucas boots when he goes on the spinny rides. Kidding! It turns out he does something worse: he takes off his shirt so Nikki can begin seducing him with lines that The Red Shoe Diaries would reject as too cheesy.
And what better way to follow up some carousel booty than by dragging the woman what gave you the ride to your mom's café? Lucas and Nikki are eating pie, and she gestures around the place, asking, "Is this your after-school job, high school boy?" Lucas is stunned that he didn't trick her into thinking he was legally old enough to drink. "That's okay. I like 'em young," she replies. She reaches over for a forkful of whatever he's eating, and Lucas is all, "You're kidding! You just ate a whole banana split!" Oh, she's evil, for sure: women who unrepentantly eat anything other than rabbit food are clearly of the devil, and their moral laxity will be stored in their thighs some day. Or at least that's the message I'm getting here. But rather than tell Lucas to bite her banana-split-eating ass, Nikki treats us all to a boring monologue on the joys of nihilism and moral relativism. Then she asks Lucas to fetch her some Tabasco sauce, and when Lucas comes back, he discovers that Nikki's made like a banana and split.
Back at the bar, Brooke is busy laying the groundwork for Monster 2: "I look around at these guys and all I want to do is smash their pretty little faces." Peyton snickers, and Brooke stomps on her good mood with, "Don't even ask what I'm thinking when I look at you." Peyton looks taken aback, and then looks away in irritation. I could see where it would be one thing to have your erstwhile best friend giving you the silent treatment, but the open hostility would be wearying after a while. Brooke continues that she can understand how Lucas stepped out on her, since apparently rat-bastard traits are dominant on the Y chromosome, but breaking the sisterhood is incomprehensible to her. Peyton bursts out, "You will never know how sorry I am for making you question [that I'm your best friend]! There was never a point during this whole thing that you weren't my best friend." Brooke asks, "Really?" Peyton nods. Brooke replies, "Well, thank you for nothing!" Oh, Brooke: keep this up, and any high ground you had in this situation will erode in a sea of spite. Peyton snots, "You know what? Hard to leave the glow of your love, but I gotta go. I'm babysitting for Jake in the morning." Brooke makes a snippy comment about how fast Peyton's moving through the basketball team. Peyton asks if she and Brooke will ever get past this, and Brooke's all, "I don't know! And right now, I really don't care." Oh, something dramatic will happen during sweeps, and all will be forgiven until the writers need to stir up a little conflict again. But Peyton doesn't know that, so she makes the sad face as she leaves the bar, and Brooke just rolls her eyes some more. Some grubby hopeful sits down and grins at her and she half-laughs, "Heh. No."
Lucas does the past-curfew sneak back into his house, and Karen flips on the light before he can. Busted! Why he didn't use the front door is beyond me; his mom would have been expecting him to sneak in his own door. Anyway, Lucas preemptively heads off a richly-deserved thumping by saying, "I know. I know. I'm late. You don't deserve that." Karen's all, "You're damn right I don't." Lucas says he's sorry, and Karen snaps, "You've been saying that a lot lately. What happened tonight, Lucas?" They sit down, and Lucas sighs, "I've been screwing up a lot, Mom. I thought I could join the team and deal with it all -- basketball and the rest of it. But ever since I left the River Court, I've been a mess. I've fought with you and Keith, and Haley. And I drove away two girls that I really cared about. Also, it burns when I pee. I think the skank I boned on the carousel may be responsible for that one." Oh -- well, I added the last two sentences m'ownself, but Lucas did say the rest of it. Karen looks moved by hearing all this, and tells her son, "Look, Luke, being a teenager is hard. Honestly, it's all hard. But you have a lot of good things going for you." Lucas tells his mom that she's one of those good things. I'd be heartwarmed if I didn't suspect that he's trying to weasel out of getting grounded. Lucas adds, "I think part of being a man is owning up to your mistakes." I'm sure Dan would be thrilled to serve as the "Goofus" portion of the "Goofus and Gallant Guide to Being a Man." Goofus fathers two children within three months before he finishes his freshman year of college…Gallant knows how to use birth control. Goofus buys his son a Mustang…Gallant buys a more sensible, higher-mileage used car. Goofus deals with two-timing his girlfriend by going to a bar and picking up a carousel floozy…Gallant apologizes for two-timing.
Anyway, Lucas promises Karen he's going to do better. Karen says she knows he will, and adds, "For a plan B, that worked out pretty well…[for plan A] I was going to kick you in the ass and ground you for life." Lucas registers a preference for plan B.
The day, Keith opens a vein so he might sign the contract giving Dan the auto shop in his own blood, per Dan's request. Goofus plans to swindle his brother with an auto contract…Gallant never does business with family.
And now, the two women united by having survived the horror of Dan in the sack bond over the thing in their lives that has given them joy: Karen's café. Karen compliments Deb on a job well done and adds, "I've been thinking. We should partner up. Not only would it be good for business, it would irritate your husband to no end." Well, she doesn't say the last part. Deb demurs, because she's afraid that her working will negatively affect her relationship with Nate. Oh, honey, he doesn't resent you for working. He resents you for not being honest with him. Deb says that Dan's poisoned Nathan against her, and Karen's all, "You gotta make sure Nathan knows the facts…whatever it is, Nathan doesn't know your side. You gotta talk to him, Deb." Just then, Haley comes in to lighten the mood and complain about getting sniped on her eBay auction. Deb asks where Nathan is, and Haley's all, "He's at your place." Deb takes off for a heart-to-heart.
Skittles pops into Karen's House of Apologies and mutters something incomprehensible. Lucas pretends to understand and mumbles something like, "It'll be a while before I'm back on the court, Scales." So what is this guy's name? Scales? Skittles? Skelis? Skittles pulls out a ball he and Lucas signed in fourth grade, when they apparently promised one another those signatures would be worth millions one day. And now, the ball is with Lucas, to inspire him not to blow his shoulder.
Peyton comes on over to baby-sit, and gibes Jake about his suit before cooing to Jenny. Jake says fretfully, "Okay, look, so I wrote everything down: when she sleeps, when she eats, what toys she likes. I put all my numbers down --I got my cell, my pager, my mom's, my cousin who's getting married -- I put his down. Anything at all, I'm just going to be less than an hour away --" "Jake! We're going to be cool," Peyton interrupts. Jake admits he's nervous because this is the first time he's left Jenny with a sitter. In fact, he's so nervous, he takes off without kissing his daughter goodbye. Maybe it was the incessantly tinkly Sonata in Saccharine C that distracted him. Lord knows I could barely think straight through it.
Lucas has swung by Whitey's to apologize. He sits down on the porch with Whitey and admits, "I've been kind of screwing up. I shouldn't have walked out on practice the other day." Whitey replies, "You're right. But…you've got a lot on your plate." Lucas nervously says, "I've been thinking about my position on the team --" "That spot's yours. It'll be there when you're ready," Whitey says. Lucas says he'd rather have the team undefeated since it's important to the guys. Coach is all impressed, and tells Lucas his apology is accepted. And then the two of them hug. Well, maybe in some corner of their imaginations they do. Here they just settle for smiling warmly.
Nate is busy playing video games when Deb comes in to have the big talk and reveal the big secret. Woo hoo! After telling Nathan she's only spilling this because she loves him and he deserves the truth, she explains, "A while ago, when your father and I were having serious trouble, and I met someone else, I left your father to be with this man…you were at basketball camp for the summer." Nate says disbelievingly, "When I came back, Dad told me you were gone on a business trip." Deb says, "Please understand, I was confused and I was selfish. As soon as I realized I might risk losing you forever, I called it off and came back. Nathan, I have never forgiven myself." And knowing Dan, he's never forgiven her either. Judging from the way Nate's pacing around his room, he's about to be No. 3 on the list of people never forgiving Deb. He bursts out, "Dad was a nightmare that summer, Mom! You know that! And all those nights when I called you to tell you how he was, you didn't come home because you were with some guy? Do you see what you did? You gave me to him, Mom! You knew how he was and you made me Dad's property." Deb says weakly she never thought -- but we don't hear what, because Nate interrupts her to say the whole current situation is her fault. Deb says she came home for Nate, and he spits, "You didn't come home for me. You came home because your fling ended." Nate then decides he's done being a part of the Scott family. Poor guy. Still -- an affair? That's the big bad secret? I feel let down.
He ends up at Karen's café, spilling his mom's story in a public place, and ending with, "She abandoned me. I can't go back there. I can't live with my dad either. I'm screwed." Haley thinks there might be an answer.
Meanwhile, Keith discovers that he's as screwed as his nephew: true to form, Dan has completely lied about everything he promised Keith and has renamed the garage "Dan Scott Service Annex" and put Keith to work under Matt Perry, the guy who runs the service department at his dealership. Raise your hand if you're at all shocked by this turn of events. You? You are? Where have you…oh. You just got out of a five-year coma. Heh. Well, you're excused.
Oh, the babysitting contretemps! Eventually, Peyton makes an improvised mobile out of her keys and a few hair clips, and has Jenny quiet by the time Jake comes home. Apparently, Peyton's keys are staying at the house; she tells Jake she's got copies. Peyton makes to go, and Jake's all, "Hey, I could, uh, order a pizza, pop in a movie. It's the least I could do." Awww. Go for it, Peyton. Just sitting to someone on the couch won't get you pregnant, unless all the men of Tree Hill are as freakishly fertile as Dan was.
Back at stately Scott manor, Deb got served. That is, Nate serves her with papers notifying her of his intent to emancipate himself. I can't decide if the writers are massive hacks for depriving us of a really grisly custody battle that stretches into Nate's freshman year of college, or mad geniuses for introducing the possibility of courtroom drama into the plotline. Who says they can't be both? Nate's all, "How's it feel to be abandoned, Mom?" Wow, does everyone on this show know how to hold a grudge or what? Deb falls apart on the couch.
Luke's stop on the apology tour is Brooke's house, because "I want you to know how sorry I am for what I did." Brooke's still feeling pretty vengeful: "How sorry you are? Do you know that the entire time we were dating, I actually felt inferior to you? What a joke: you're just like every other guy on the planet -- you're a liar and a cheater." Lucas replies, "You're right. I lied to you. And there's no excuse for that." Brooke's not terribly impressed with Lucas owning his mistakes: "Whatever. Why don't you tell it to the girl you hooked up with last night?" She tosses the sling his way and continues, "As for excuses, you don't owe me any. I'm not your girlfriend. And as of now, I'm not even your friend." Lucas stands on the porch, looking pensive and thinking, "Wow, does everyone on this show know how to hold a grudge or what?"
Well, some of them know how to make celebrities sing for a cup of coffee, which is what Haley does when Sheryl Crow just "happens" to drop by the café on her way to someplace else. Because this is a fantasyland where performers who are on tour are more than happy to give freebie performances to a tiny audience in exchange for coffee, as opposed to reality where they're all, "Eh, no. But I might sign an autograph and not slap you with a restraining order, peasant." So, wow, did Sheryl Crow get some bulk bargain on fake tanner or did she and Charlize Theron have a fake-bake-off to see who could get tannest fastest? Anyway, Sheryl sings "The First Cut Is the Deepest," and Nate snaps a picture on his photo phone for Haley so she's got proof this actually happened, and I'm again impressed with this show's "Hey! Everyone! It's time for a live musical performance!" premise. I love it. More shows need to do this. You could have Laws and Dolls, where Jerry Orbach sings over the cooling bodies, or West Wing Story, where the staffers sing," When you're a Dem / you're a Dem all the way / from your first pro-choice bill / to your hate of DeLay…" I'm telling you: TV needs this.
Anyway, as Sheryl sings, Dan somehow gets in the stately Scott manor despite the locks having been changed, and actually looks taken aback at Deb's wrecked expression. She hands over the papers and says, "He's leaving us, Dan. And I don't blame him." Dan studies the papers. Meanwhile, Brooke tosses on her bed. Lucas sits in his room and looks at a message on Peyton's "Punk and Disorderly" website that reads, "Webcam offline. Server not responding." If Peyton's punk, it's on the inside. Deep, deep inside. Peyton's sitting in front of her computer reading a book and avoiding the comic panel she had been working on. Jake is picking up the pizza detritus and happening upon the charcoal sketch of Jenny that Peyton managed to whip up in between crafting mobiles and gazing into the crib. He looks over at Jenny sleeping on her stomach -- "Isn't than an invitation to SIDS?" the husband wondered idly -- and then the doorbell rings.
When Jake answers it, his face falls. Nikki's standing there. Ack! She's taken to ringing young men's doorbells so she can lecture them on moral relativism before molesting them on carnival rides! Actually, Jake knows her. Nikki says, "So. How's my daughter?" Jake blinks at her, and the episode ends. Dun dun DUN!
(Tonight's episode featured an insane amount of Sheryl Crow music, which you can buy if you don't think she'll wander into the Starbucks where you're working, plus Snow Patrol and Boss Martians. Viva corporate synergy!)