Freaks and Geeks

S02E18

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In 2011, Emma arrives in Storybrooke. Meanwhile, in Phuket, at 8:15 AM, August wakes with a local lady and a wooden leg (not a euphemism). Since he's there years after surgeon extraordinaire Jack Shephard has come, gone, and died, his search for a cure leads him to a man called The Dragon. Normally, I'd be all over a show for Orientalism, but since Once Upon A Time happy magicalizes all of our cultures, I'm pretty sure I'd be guilty of... well, probably something icky that I'd later regret.

Anyhow, unlike regular mundanes, The Dragon can recognize August's ailments and says he can cure him. He needs an item that holds personal value for August (the string Geppetto used to animate him), oh and ten grand. Tamara is also hoping The Dragon can help her cure her fake cancer. Even though her cancer is fake, she's come armed with her personal item (a picture of her and her grandmother) and plenty of cash.

August meets up with Tamara in a bar, so he pinches her cash, gets the cure for himself and takes off. The problem is, his wooden leg is slowing him down. Tamara catches up to him and steals the cure, except it's hardly stealing, since August purchased it with her money. So we can rest assured that Henry's prospective step-mother won't prove evil like fairy tale step-mommies, right? Wrong. Tamara doesn't even have cancer. And for some inexplicable reason, she kills The Dragon (with a taser or stun gun, I'm never sure of the difference, I mean, I think Taser is a brand name, but I never know what I'm looking at). She also retrieves her photo.

Storybrooke. Present. While Snow is taking target practice in the woods, she finds an old trailer. A fully wooden, but still animated August is hiding inside. He begs Snow not to tell anyone where he is, so she runs to Marco (Geppetto) and Blue and gives them the whole story. By the time Emma, Marco, and Snow get to the trailer, August is gone. You see Tamara tempted him to leave town, go to New York and get the rest of The Dragon's elixir, which she assures him will work. He just has to promise one thing: never to return to Storybrooke.

As August is driving out of town, Tamara's photo falls to the car's floor. Since back in 2011, August returned to The Dragon's lair (what would you call it) and found the magical man dead, August realizes Tamara must have killed him. He bangs a U-turn and hurries back to Storybrooke.

The Sheriff's station is empty when August arrives, so he uses the desk phone (it's a rotary) to call Emma's cell. He starts to warn her about Tamara, but Tamara rips the phone wire out of the wall, and then tasers...tases...shocks August (eventually) to death. Yes, her stun gun is so powerful, it not only kills magical men who are starting to morph into a red cloud of smoke, but wooden men, too. I wonder if it is made from the same substance used to make Ruby's Knife That Can Kill Everything, Except When It Can't, on Supernatural.

August isn't quite dead yet, so he musters enough strength to stumble outside. Geppetto, Snow, Emma and Henry have just arrived. He has a touching reunion with Geppetto, tries to warn Emma, fails, and dies. Since what August did (by returning to town) was selfless, brave, and true, Blue appears and restores his life, sort of. She turns him back into a real -- but little -- boy, one with no memory of what he wanted to warn Emma.

In other news, Regina recognizes Gregor Mendel as Owen Flynn, tells him (lies, probably) that his father left town shortly after he did, and orders him to get out of town. Also, Tamara fakes being jealous of Emma for Neal's benefit. I say "fakes" because by episode's end, it is revealed that she is Greg's HER. When she goes to see him at his room at Granny's, they waste no time before sucking face.

I will be back with the full recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where people can just disappear, but usually, they're asking for it.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

There is no "Previously on Once Upon A Time" recap this week (at least not in my market), so I'll start with a time/date note. In Phuket, Thailand, when it was 8:15 AM ICT on Monday, October 24, 2011, it was 9:15 PM EDT, on Sunday, October 23, 2011, in Storybrooke, Maine. I mention that because the Once Upon A Time pilot premiered on Sunday, October 23, 2011, at 8:00 PM EDT, and also because we open in...

Phuket. October 24, 2011. It's morning. As the digital clock flips to 8:15, August wakes in pain. Suffer, you lying, thieving, manipulative bastard. Suffer. When he sees that his left leg has reverted to wood, he wakes his...slumber party guest Isra who, mercifully, is played not by Bai Ling, but instead, by an actress IMDb.com names as Dianne Doan. Since this Twitter account seems to back that up, and because I suck at paying attention to the credits, Dianne Doan works for me.

Upon waking, all Isra sees is a normal human leg, rather a wooden one, so she tells August to be quiet, so she can go back to sleep. If you could see the state of their beach bungalow, you'd understand why. Their whole conversation is in Thai, but when Isra asks August what the hell is wrong with him, he answers in English: "I'm turning into wood." This is a family show. I'm not going there. Title card.

Storybrooke. Present. Morning. David prepares a breakfast tray for Snow, complete with a vase full of Snow Drops. Emma thinks that instead of more coddling, David ought to boot Snow's bonny butt out of bed, so she can move past "this." Henry comes downstairs and asks if everything is okay. Emma lies, "Everything is fine, kid. Get your coat. We're going to be late." Emma, I know you're still new to the parenting gig, so here is a PRO TIP: When you don't want to lie to your kid, but don't want to tell him the truth, it is absolutely fine to say things like, "I don't want to talk about it," or "This is between your Grandpa and me," or, "Not now," or even (use sparingly) "Mind your own beeswax." Henry has to know Emma is lying, but he just says, "Goodbye, Gramps," and is out the door. Once she's alone with her father, Emma says, "I know you think that [Snow] needs our help, but at the end of the day, she's the only one who can help herself."

Snow, who has been listening under the covers the whole time (and wearing her coat), gets up after Emma is gone and wishes her husband a flat good morning. He invites her to eat the eggs he cooked for her, but instead, she's loading up a bag with food including some cans of tuna and a bunch of bananas. Bananas in the morning? Sure. Tuna? *Gag* She wants to head out to the woods to think things through, and despite David volunteering to go with her, she says she has to do it alone.

Talk turns to the magical bean field. Since Anton has told him they may soon have a crop, David says they'll be able to go home soon, "...none of what happened will matter. It will all be in the past." I wish I could use a magic bean to take me someplace where nothing bad I've ever done would matter, but beans are small. Even they can't contain that much magic. Snow is with me. "I used Regina to kill her own mother. I don't think going back will erase that." David says, "Mary Margaret..." She and I both interrupt him, but while I'm yelling, "WHY DON'T YOU CALL HER SNOW, YOU WERE IN A COMA FOR 28 YEARS?!" Snow simply says, "Please, give me time." We cut to...

Granny's Boarding House. Exterior. Inside, Neal and his backpfeifengesicht are waiting there with a cheerful, "Hi buddy." Involuntarily, my fist clenches. Henry has brought along his Once Upon A Time book, so that Daddy Douchiest can tell him, "...what it was really like over there." Neal, who must be covered in magical dust from his travels to A World Without Consequences, thinks that sounds neat-o keen, and suggests Henry run door to the diner and score three hot chocolates for him, Neal and Emma.

As Henry runs out, Emma too quickly explains that she has to go to work, but sadly, I must report she fails to escape. Neal has a couple of things he wants to talk to her about. First of all, Tamara reports that Hook is no longer in the storage room in Neal's Manhattan building. Secondly, Tamara is on her way to Storybrooke.

Emma, undoubtedly shocked by the realization that she and this nincompoop have created a kid who can walk and chew gum at the same time, says, "What are you thinking? [...] What are you going to tell her when she sees a giant or a werewolf run past her, down Main St.? Between Greg Mendel, our food obsessed tourist, and now your fiancée, this town is turning into a theme park." Oh honey, it was already a theme park. Now it's just open for business. Since your salary is paid through tax revenues, perhaps it's time to buck for a raise.

Neal blahs about not thinking things through, and how he needs her, but everything he says sounds to me like, "PUNCH MY LIGHTS OUT!" I'm itching to oblige. Then he has the gall to apologize to Emma over that needing Tamara business. Our girl nips that right in the bud. "You don't have to apologize to me. I'm not the one you're lying to. [...] Does she know who you are and where you're really from? Take my advice. Don't let her find out on her own. Tell her the truth. Tell her everything." Yeah, Douchefire (credit for that nickname belongs to our forum), don't leave out how you set up your 17 year old girlfriend to take the fall for a crime you committed, and how said girlfriend had to give birth to your son, while incarcerated.

I think his magical Cloak of Unaccountability has deafened Neal to my rantings because rather than replying to my pertinent point, he checks his text messages and reports Tamara is ten minutes away. Neal invites Emma to stay and get to know her. When Emma insists she should be going, Neal douches, "I know, but we're all connected. It might be nice for you two to talk. Just stay and say hello. She's bringing bagels." Oh, so what? New York bagels are so superior that they'll make your betrayal all better? I'm bored by New York's food conceit.

I'd like to apologize to my mother, now, for my language in this recap. I usually try to keep it relatively clean, but you know Neal sets my teeth on edge, Mum. I'm pretty sure the word douche is going to be flying fast and furious during all of his scenes this week. In fact, I'm pretty sure the slang meaning of douche grew out of its hygienic meaning, expressly for the purpose of discussing guys like Neal, so expect to see it stand in for nouns, proper nouns, adjectives and other modifiers, and even, occasionally, verbs. He makes me seethe so; you might even see it used in place of conjunctions. What you should know is this, Mum: it's one of the nicer terms that pop into my head when I look at his backpfeifengesicht. I know you dislike Neal even more than I do, so I hope you understand. That said, I'm sorry I'm not a better daughter. We cut to the...

Storybrooke Woods. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts' "Bad Reputation" cleanses my mind from Neal for the nonce. Hey, Kitsis and Horrowitz, let's have Joan Jett guest star as an avenging fairy, who punches Neal in the face. Repeatedly. If we can't get her, how about Busy Phillips? Kim Kelly could take care of Douchefire in about three seconds flat. I suppose you're here for Once Upon A Time commentary, not Freaks and Geeks nostalgia. More's the pity, my friends. Be careful what you wish for...

So yeah. Present-day Snow is in the Storybrooke woods, for a little archery practice. She's listening to "Bad Reputation" on an iPod, which is what inspired the above digression into a world without Neal, or at least a world in which an unrepentant bitch (sorry, Mum) takes him on. When one of Snow's arrows misses its mark, she hears footsteps, so she takes off to investigate. Along the way, she finds the broken off tail end of her arrow. It's then that she spies an abandoned trailer. Inside, she finds a fully wooden August, and the business end of her errant arrow sticking out of his wooden thigh. Commercial.

Sidebar. Largely, the people in our forum hate GGI-wooden August. I think it's a pretty well done effect. How would you show a living, magical man made out of wood? You know how I always say I try to avoid show-related media. Sometimes, that only amounts to avoiding timely show-related media. Eventually, I cave and read/watch some things. I just recently watched the Once Upon A Time cast and crew session at PaleyFest. Imagine my chagrin, upon hearing that the creators loved the effects used to create the Chintz Monster. Okay, maybe there was less chagrin and more guilty giggling. To me, that was poorly done, whereas August looks magically wooden, which is what he is. Commercial's over. Time to get back to the story.

Hong Kong. October, 2011. August goes to a busy hospital, but he can't make the doctor see that his leg is wooden because the doctor isn't a believer. August thinks he can prove his assertion to the doctor by stabbing himself in the leg, but all that does is freak the doctor out, so he screams for security. August bolts and is running for the door when a guy grabs him and pulls him into a supply closet. The man says he works with someone who can fix the kind of problems that most people don't believe exist. "They call him The Dragaon." Of course they do, Show. I can't believe I'm saying this, but The Dragon had better tie into Mulan because I'm starting to feel like she, Aurora and Phillip were an even bigger waste of my time than I originally thought. We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Present. August explains to Snow that even though the curse broke, this is his punishment for not being loyal, steadfast, and true. Snow says she's sorry and promises him he doesn't have to hide. There are people in Storybrooke, like Emma and his dad, who care about him. August doesn't want them to see him like this. Snow begs him to reconsider and tells him how much has been going on. When Snow mentions "Henry's father," August says, "Emma and Neal? They're back together again?" Snow hesitates, then answers, "No, actually he's engaged to someone he met in New York." August sighs, "I was hoping... That's my problem hoping -- hoping that things can still work out. Hoping I can find redemption for the mistakes I've made, but maybe some things you just don't come back from." Snow shakes her head and insists he deserves a second chance. Not being up on current events, August says, "That's easy for you to say. You never had to worry about forgiveness, redemption -- you've never needed it." Snow tells him it's time to stop feeling sorry for himself. I hope August has some mirrors in that trailer, and that Snow catches a glimpse of her reflection after saying those words, but alas, no. Snow tells him to come back to town with her, and they'll find Marco. August says, "You expect me to face him like this -- a wood pile of failure." Hee. At any rate, it's a no go. August tells her to leave and not tell anyone she saw him. We cut to...

Granny's Boarding House. Emma and Henry are having silent bagels with Neal and Tamara, except nobody clued the kid in on the silent part, so he asks how Neal and Tamara met. Neal is tongue-tied, so Tamara explains that the literally bumped into each other on the street. She was already late to work and had spilled coffee on herself, so Neal offered her his scarf to cover the stains. "And he said I could keep it, or call him if I wanted to return it. I decided to call, and we've been together ever since." Emma cheerfully says it sounds like fate, thanks Tamara for the bagels, and says that it's time to go. She has to drop Henry off with his grandfather. Dear me, I hope she means Charming. Neal tries to give the Once Upon A Time book back to his son, but Henry tells him to hold onto it. [Note: I know Cindy hates New York's food conceit, but come on, Tamara brought Zabar's! Part of me is kind of rooting for her because of her pristine taste in bagels. She didn't exactly by the cheap stuff, either. -- Rachel.]

Tamara says the usual complimentary things about Henry, but soon talk turns serious. Neal tells her he's from the Enchanted Forest, just like that. Placing the Once Upon A Time book in her lap, he encourages her to look at it. Tamara's, "These are fairy tales," is entirely too calm for someone on the up and up. Being a bit of a grifter himself, Neal should recognize that, but he's too busy being a self-absorbed douche. So instead, he explains the book is history -- his history. Tamara ratchets up her game a bit, and asks what the hell he's doing. Neal assurance that he's being honest with her does not produce the desired effect. She rises to her feet and says, "If you wanted to be honest, you would tell me what this is really about. The cute blonde who was just here. The mother of your child?" Neal swears it's not about Emma, but Tamara says she doesn't believe him, and points out his discomfort when Henry asked how they first met. "You didn't want her to hear the story. If you wanted to be with her, Neal, you could have told me, instead of making up crap to force me away. [...] Here's the thing, Neal. When you're ready to be honest with me about yourself and your feelings, then come find me." With that, she's gone, and we flash back to...

Hong Kong. 2001. The man leads August to the Dragon's Lair. Actually, it's more like an office. There are a few people in the waiting room. The man tells a woman that it's her turn. When she rises, she drops her cell phone. August picks it up and calls to her. When she turns around, despite her headscarf and sunglasses, we can clearly tell she is Tamara, but for the slow among us, she removes her sunglasses and thanks him. Commercial.

Storybrooke. Present. Granny's Diner. Gregor Mendel (Owen) is digging into a slice of pie, when Regina introduces herself and tells him the pie is on her. Oh, if only it was an entire pie, Gregor Mendel, you could shove it right in her face. I wouldn't risk her wrath on trying that with a mere slice, but the whole pie? Game on, Queenie. She adds that she's Mayor, and also Henry's mother. Is she just mayor again because she chooses to be? Well, no one (save possibly Gold) is in the position to stop her, so why not? Regina thanks Gregor for calling her when Henry was wandering the woods. He says he has a soft spot for little kids in trouble, but it just sounds creepy when he says that. I don't want him to be creepy because at that table for two, Greg/Owen is the wronged party, for sure. Still, the Storybrookers' xenophobia is rubbing off on me. Regina wonders if they've met before, but decides they haven't. As she leaves, she tells him if he needs anything, he should just ask. How refreshing would it have been if he'd just asked her to return his father to him? Anyhow, as Regina is walking out, Snow is walking in. Regina takes a moment to savor the look of terror on Snow's face, then smiles. "If I were you, I'd try the fish special. It's right up your alley -- blackened sole."

Emma is sitting at the counter, conveniently to Marco, so Snow only has to take about three steps to share that August is completely wooden, and is living in a trailer in the woods. She thinks "Mother Superior" might be able to help him. Marco is all over that idea. As the trio heads out the door, the camera zooms out to reveal Tamara is sitting at the far end of the counter, listening to every word. We flash back to...

Hong Kong. 2011. The Dragon's Lair. Tamara emerges from the inner office and tells August it's his turn. What about the other poor saps who have been waiting there? Once August is inside, he takes a seat and the pulls up his right pant leg and asks The Dragon, "Do you see that?" He laughs when The Dragon says, "No because the problem is with your other leg." August is less amused when The Dragon adds, "You're turning to wood, Pinocchio." The Dragon evades the questions about how he knows August's real name and where he's from, and instead reminds his patient to concentrate on his own problem, which he can help. He'll need an item of great value to August. Judging on prior episodes, I don't think August values anything over himself, so that's going to be awkward. The Dragon continues: "I need something close to your heart that cannot be replaced." The way he extends his index finger, I can't help but think he's going to tell August to pull it. I'm glad to report I'm wrong about that. August's hand goes to his neck. He pulls out the pendent he's wearing and declares it worthless. The Dragon says the pendent itself may be, but the string is the one Geppetto used to animate the puppet Pinocchio. "In a way, it first gave you life. It will serve as payment from your soul." After August hands it over, The Dragon tells him he also needs monetary compensation, to the tune of ten thousand dollars. "Bring the money tonight, and you shall never turn to wood again." We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Convent. Exterior. Marco, Emma, Snow and Blue meet before a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and even she is wondering why these fairies are still living like nuns. Blue confesses she knows about August. After the curse broke, he asked her to return him to what he was. Since "what he was" is "what he is," her hands are tied. She reminds Geppetto that when she first turned Pinocchio into a real boy, she told him he had to remain brave, truthful and unselfish, so that he would stay a real boy. He hasn't done so, and that's why he's turning back. There's nothing she can do. Snow is deeply empathetic with August (probably because she has no idea how he screwed over her daughter), so she starts on about second chances. Blue says if there's a path to redemption for him, he'll have to travel it on his own. Snow assures Marco there must still be hope for his son. We flash back to...

Hong Kong Bar. 2011. August must have blown through all the money he stole from Emma because he's looking at his relatively empty wallet in despair. Tamara waves to August and says it looks like he needs a drink. She takes an overstuffed envelope from her purse. August raises a brow at the contents -- a huge wad of cash. Tamara says something about figuring the "medicine man" wouldn't take plastic, and raising her beer, she proposes a toast to second chances. August says, "Who knew they'd be so expensive," and takes a drink, then asks Tamara what brought her to The Dragon. She says she has a rare form of cancer, but she's a lying liar who lies, so I'm not transcribing her lies. The only reason they're important is that August believes her sob story at the time, and what he does shows just how corrupt he's become, and how dearly he deserves to turn into wood. When August winces in pain, Tamara asks him what's wrong, so he says he has a skin condition which, if it spreads, will do him in. Tamara asks if August needed a personal item, too, then shares that she had a photo of her grandmother and her. "Now it's gone, but if my cancer is, too..."

When Tamara's phone rings, she excuses herself to answer it, and asks August to watch her bag that contains her giant wad of cash. August stares at the supposed terminal cancer patient's pile of cash, then at Tamara, then back at the cash. He winces, but ultimately grabs the money and runs. We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Woods. In answer to a knock at his door, August hollers, "I told you to leave me alone." He opens the door to find Tamara, who says, "Hey. Long time." Commercial.

Hong Kong. 2011. Dragon's Lair. August runs in, breathless and in pain. The Dragon mocks him for being out of shape, considering how he's spent his life running. When he finally produces the potion, The Dragon asks for the cash. August takes out Tamara's envelope, looks down at the table and sees the picture of Tamara and her grandmother, and is wracked by a pain spasm. The Dragon covers the photo with his hand. What's his angle, do you think? He tells August, "The body has a strange way of sending us signals, doesn't it? The tricky part isn't hearing them, but knowing what they truly mean." August has a one track mind that runs only from Augustdale to Augustville, so he asks if the potion will cure him. The Dragon holds it up and says, "What's in this bottle will stop you from turning to wood, yes, but that's just a symptom. Only you can cure yourself." Completely missing his opportunity for real healing, August plunks down the cash and takes the potion, and the easy out.

August trips as he runs down the stairs and out into the street. Maybe August's brain is already turning to wood because if I handed over ten grand, stolen or not, for a cure, I'd take it in front of the guy who just took my (victim's) money. That's not in the script though -- instead, Tamara is, and she's waiting to catch her thief/pawn. It doesn't take her long. Because of his wooden leg, August eventually trips and falls. The potion flies high in the air. Tamara picks it up, then looks down at August who is yelling and writhing in pain and says, "Whatever it is you have, you deserve your fate." That would be true enough, had she not set up August from the beginning. Right now, I can't decide who is worse. I do have an awfully hard time feeling any pity for August as he lies there and sobs. We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Present. Trailer. Tamara mocks August's decor then adds, "Then again, I guess a man made of wood doesn't require much." August is surprised that she is a believer, and asks her why she's in Storybrooke, and how that's even possible. At any rate, she wants him to do something for her. She says her request is simple, but come on, August, those are the requests that always turn out tricksy and false. August wants to know if Tamara followed him, and if she's "like him." She says she's not magical, but rather quite human. Avoiding the rest of her question, she reminds him that while her cancer was a death sentence, she's still living and breathing. August takes this as proof that The Dragon's potion worked. Tamara says she still has some of the cure left. It's in her NYC apartment. August can go and get it, provided she leaves Storybrooke now, and never returns.

Okay, maybe some of August's brain hasn't yet turned to wood, as he puts two and two together. "Neal. You're the fiancée. Are you and Neal here for the magic? Are you two trying to take the magic from Storybrooke?" Tamara sighs and rises. "Neal has nothing to do with any of this, okay. He knows as much as you do. Actually, now you know a lot more, so do we have a deal?" August says he can't take her up on her offer without knowing what she's doing in Storybrooke. Tamara says, "Sure you can. And you will. You're the same man I left in a Hong Kong gutter. A man willing to do anything to save himself. And that's what I'm offering, August." She dangles her keys above his head and adds, "Salvation." We cut to...

Granny's Boarding House. Gregor Mendel lets himself into his room and finds Regina there, waiting for him. He hangs up his phone, and pretends he thinks she's a chamber maid. Regina's not playing his reindeer games. She turns to face him and tells him she realizes why he seems so familiar. She knows he's Owen and pulls out the red and green gimp lanyard to prove it. "I kept this all these years, as a reminder of our time together. You were just a boy when you gave this to me. Now look at you. All grown up." She reaches out to caress his cheek. "No wonder I didn't recognize you." Gregowen (oh, I don't like that, I'm just going to call him Greg, or Owen, as the mood strikes) shrinks from her touch and says she looks exactly the same. Regina says, "Monthly juice cleanse. It does wonders for the skin." Forget The Dragon's potion. You could market that, Regina, and be Queen of the Whole Damned World -- you know... if you weren't lying. But right, your lips are moving and sound is coming out, so of course you are.

Regina tells Owen he should have come to her and told him why he's there. Owen figures she knows why he's there, but when she plays dumb, he tells her he's there for his father. Regina lies, "Your father? He left shortly after you did. I never saw him again." Owen doesn't believe her, so Regina lies some more: "Be that as it may, it's the truth." Owen knows people don't just disappear. He's no longer a scared little boy. It's taken him a long time to get back there. He's not leaving without his dad. Regina laughs, "I'm afraid you are because he's not here. I'll let Granny know that you'll be checking out tomorrow." Owen asks, "...Or what?" Regina turns back to him. "Contrary to what you might think, people can just disappear." We cut to the...

Woods. As Snow leads Marco and Emma to the trailer, Marco says that this is all his fault. Snow points out that children make their own decisions, so he shouldn't blame himself for anything that's happened. Marco disagrees and tells Snow that the enchanted wardrobe he built for Emma, did not bring only Emma to this world. Emma's surprised and impressed by his admission, but quickly masks her feelings. Snow says of course Emma came alone. "The wardrobe only had enough magic to transport one person." Marco says, "No, that was a lie I made the Blue Fairy tell you. It had enough magic to transport two, and it did. Your daughter...and my son, Pinocchio." Snow's voice is quiet, but choked with emotion. "I could have gone with her -- with Emma." Emma is near tears. I wish I could remember exactly how much she knows. I mean, I know we know what Geppetto did, but we know that thanks to flashbacks. I can't remember if Emma knew, or if she thinks her folks just stuck her in a wardrobe with a little boy. She was in such denial when August told her the story, that I also wonder how much she let it sink it. Taking off his hat, Marco approaches Snow and says there's no apology he can ever give that can make up for his actions. "But I am so sorry." Snow reaches out and slaps him across the face. This has horrified some fans, but I'm not one of them.

Emma lets out a surprised, "Mary Margaret! What are you doing? He's apologizing." Marco interrupts and says he deserved it. Snow interrupts and says she's got evil hand issues. In other words, she didn't want to slap him. Her hand just up and did it. Oh come on, Show. Anyhow, Snow tells Marco she forgives him. She understands he was just protecting his son. Marco says he burdened him with a weight no child should bear. "And I called it love." He's not wrong. Who sends a seven year old (or whatever) into an unknown world to look after a newborn?

When the trio gets to the trailer, they find it empty. We cut to the road. Wooden August is speeding out of town in Tamara's car. When he passes the "Leaving Storybrooke" sign, something bad happens -- commercials.

Hong Kong. 2011. Dragon's Lair. Day. Tamara enters the Dragon's lair. Without turning to see her, The Dragon tells her her photograph is on his desk. "Do not forget to take it, when you leave." Tamara says she's not going anywhere until she gets the truth. The Dragon says, "Interesting choice of words from someone who lied about being sick." Tamara smiles and acknowledges she doesn't have cancer. She's been searching for someone like him for a long time. Magic is so rare in this world that most would say it's fiction, but finding it has been difficult. "I found a world full of frauds, until you." She pulls out the potion and says she's had the context analyzed. "What I found? Nothing." The Dragon says, "So I'm a fraud, too?" Tamara says, "No. Literally nothing. The liquid in this bottle doesn't contain a single element found in this world." The Dragon says his creations are not of this world because the people who needs his help suffer from afflictions science can't treat. "People like the man you stole that from." Tamara says she didn't steal it, since she paid for it. Turning her back to him, she adds that now that she has it, she can't risk anyone else finding him. Facing him again, she holds out a taser which the writers assure is us a "very special" taser. It damned well better be, giving what it's going to accomplish by the end of the hour.

Red smoke streams from The Dragon's nostrils. He levitates and floats toward her. "You haven't met me. At least not the real me." He floats up in the air. Red smoke wafts between the floor and his feet. Tamara reaches up and shocks him in the chest. He falls dead to the floor. Well, at least I think he's dead enough, for now. If she hasn't met the "real him," who knows if he's completely dead? Still, he should probably get in the cart. Do you think the very special taser sucked the magic out of him, or was it just dialed up to 11? Tamara surveys her work, grabs the picture of her grandmother and her, and leaves. We flash forward to...

Road out of Storybrooke. I don't know if August has a spasm, or hits a bump, or what, but something makes the car jerk. He already passed the Storybrooke sign at the town line, so it doesn't seem to me that magic should have caused the jerk. But speaking of jerks, let's get back to August. He notices something fall from the sun visor. Picking it up, he sees it's a picture of Tamara and her grandmother -- the one she told him about, two years ago, right before he stole her money. Even though he's made of magical wood, August's face is certainly able to convey his resolve. He bangs a U-turn and heads back toward town.

August enters the Sheriff's Office screaming for Emma, but no one is there, so he uses the desk phone to call Emma's cell. As soon as he tells her that he has to warn her about something, Tamara enters and pulls the phone wire out of the wall. He tells her he knows what she did to The Dragon. A few days after she left, August went back to The Dragon to beg for a cure, only to find him dead. "At the time, I was too wrapped up in myself to wonder what had happened -- to question who could have done such a thing, but then I found this photo in your car, and it hit me. You and your grandmother. You went back there. You killed him."

Tamara says he should have left. She counted on him to save himself. August says that's what he's trying to do, know. He lived a shameful life. Only he can cure that. "...Not magic. Not science. Just me. I care about the people in this town. And if you wanted The Dragon's little bit of magic, then you have hit the mother lode here, and you are not going to harm anyone to get it. I'm going to warn them."

Tamara says, "No, you're not," and then takes out her "very special" taser and uses it on August. Since it's "very special" I'm not going to waste any more time than I did in the recaplet (or in my brain) rejecting the idea that a taser can kill a wooden man, because it's not really a taser, right? August screams in pain and falls to the floor. Commercial.

Charming and Henry have joined Snow, Marco and Emma. Hanging up his phone, Charming says, "If August is still at the station, he's not picking up." On cue, August stumbles out the door, so the gang runs to him. Emma and Marco both drop to their knees, to him. Marco turns him over as he laments the condition of his boy. "What happened to you?" August says, "I'm so sorry, Papa." Marco says there's nothing to apologize for. Everything will be all right. August turns and slowly says, "Emma." When she whispers his name, he tries to sit up and whispers in her ear. "Emma, she's...she...." Marco lowers his lifeless man doll to the ground and cradling him (it?), cries, "Oh no, not again," which is what I say when Neal shows up. Emma says, "August?" Snow says it can't end this way. "He was supposed to get a second chance." Emma tells Neal, "Someone killed him to stop him from telling us something. He used his last dying breath to warn us. I will not let that be in vain." You won't let that be in vain? Really, Emma? I think it's time to put down Henry's fairy tale book. It's affecting your speech patterns.

Looking down at dead August, Henry mutters, "Brave, truthful, unselfish." Looking up at Emma and his grandparents, he repeats the line, and tells them that August has finally become what Pinocchio was supposed to be. "There's still hope. We need the Blue Fairy." Well, you're in luck, Henry, because the script has her arriving on the scene, just this very second. People were mocking this, but I like to think she's tied to Pinocchio, and maybe the guardian fairy of little boys in general, so her sudden appearance works for me.

Blue says she was able to turn Pinocchio into a real boy after he sacrificed his life for his father's. "If his actions were indeed brave, truthful and unselfish, there's a chance I can do it, again." Marco begs her to try. Blue pulls out her glowing blue wand and waves it over Pinocchio's um...corpse? He's enveloped by white, glowing magic. When it disappears, the wooden man is gone, and the little ginger haired boy (with brown eyes, yes, I know, let's just pretend August got color contact lenses to score chicks, okay?), still dressed in his goofy outfit, is lying in Marco's arms. The boy opens his eyes and says, "Father," which sounds all wrong because even grown-ass August was calling him, "Papa." Marco cries and marvels at his little son's human hands. Pinocchio jumps up and says, "I'm a real boy. I'm a real boy." He's hugging his papa when Tamara arrives on the scene.

Neal is surprised to see his intended. Tamara whispers, "It's...it's true." Blue leans down and tells Pinocchio to do better this time. Tamara raises her eyebrows and looks at Neal. "Pinocchio. That's..." Emma kneels down in front of Pinocchio and says she has to ask him a question. "I need you to think real hard, okay. Before you turned into a little boy, you were trying to tell us something very important. Do you remember? You were trying to warn us about something." Pinocchio stammers, "I--I don't remember. If I did, I would be truthful. I would. I promise." Emma nods, leaves the child be and heads toward Snow and Charming. Henry is on her heels and the four of them hug each other, and walk off together.

Alone with Tamara, Neal turns to her and says, "If you want to head back to New York, I wouldn't blame you. I know this isn't what you signed up for." Tamara says she signed up for Neal. "I love you." Neal says, "I can't believe how lucky I was to have met you." After Tamara insists they were both lucky, we flash back to...

New York City. November, 2011. August is sitting on his parked motorcycle. Neal is on the sidewalk, facing him and says, "That must have been a hell of a flight from Hong Kong. You've looked, better." August tells Neal he's turning back to wood, which must mean Emma is in Storybrooke. He has to go there and get her to break the curse, "...to stop what's happening to me." To you, August? You got that poor girl locked up, pregnant, for someone else's crimes. Ugh. I'm glad you're dead. Neal is worried that if Emma breaks the curse, his father will come looking for him. I wonder why he thinks that? I mean, it's true, but his father let him slip away, hundreds of years ago. Maybe August knows not only that Regina cast the curse, but that Rumpy designed it specifically to take him to the world without magic, so that he could find Baelfire. And maybe August told Neal that, Once Upon A Time, but with August dead, I doubt we'll ever get much satisfaction on this point, so I'll let it go. August says, "On the flip side, you get to see Emma again." When Neal says he's not sure Emma would want to see him, August smarms, "You never know." He tells Neal that when the curse is broken, he'll send him a postcard.

What this scene needs is a badinaging bird -- maybe a Tattling Tufted Titmouse -- to warn Neal and August that Tamara is standing just a few yards off, using her compact mirror to watch their scene unfold. As soon as August starts up his bike, Tamara swings into action. We cut from August driving away, to Tamara approaching Neal. She's just gotten a coffee from a hotdog cart. Since there's no cover on it, it's obvious what she's about to do. Just as Neal turns, she makes sure to bump into him and spills her coffee all over herself. I can only hope that it's still scalding hot. Neal apologizes and asks if she's okay. Just as Tamara told Henry, she claims she's late for work, so Neal offers her his scarf to hide her stain. Tamara thanks him and introduces herself. We flash forward to...

Storybrooke. Snow's Hovel. The Charmings arrive home. Emma sits on the stairs to the loft and calls Henry over to talk. "I'm sorry. I sorry I lied to you about your dad. I promise I will never lie to you, again. Just don't push me away." When Henry says he won't, Emma takes him in her arms. They squeeze each other but good, then head upstairs.

Alone with his wife, David asks Snow if she'll tell him what's going on. After making him promise not to get mad, Snow confesses that last week, she went to Regina's house and confronted her. Of course he gets mad, so Snow reminds him of his promise. David: "I'm not mad!" Snow: "I can see that." David points out that Regina could have killed her. Snow knows, and says that's why she went to see Regina. "I couldn't take the guilt over what I did to Cora. I could barely breathe. I told her to end it, and she ripped out my heart. And when she took it out, my heart, David, it had started to blacken because of what I did."

David asks why she didn't tell him. Snow says, "Telling you makes things real, and I needed to believe it wasn't -- that I could find a way to stop it. That redemption was possible." David tells her it is, and reminds her to look at August. Snow knows what he means, but points out how much it cost August. I'm so glad someone is acknowledging that. This might be a happy ending for Marco, and for the little boy version of Pinocchio, it's nice that he won't grow up in the system, but the person he'd grown to be, as flawed as August was, is for all intents and purposes, dead. David takes Snow in his arms and says, "You are not him, Mary Margaret, and you sure as hell aren't Regina, which means those aren't the only two options. We'll find another way. I know it." Snow asks, "What makes you so sure?" David takes her hand and places it over her heart. "This does. And I know it better than anyone." Snow closes her eyes and hugs charming Charming. We cut to...

Granny's Boarding House. Greg/Owen's room. The phone rings. It's HER calling. Owen says, "Hey, why haven't you called me back? Where are you?" There's a knock at the door. He opens it to find Tamara, holding her cell phone. She smiles and says, "Right here." She apologizes for being late. It's been quite a day, and she only has a few minutes while Neal is in the shower. Owen grabs her and says, "Then let's not waste them. They kiss passionately. Owen closes the door. The end.

We've got a few weeks off, and although I enjoyed this episode, considering the disappointment in the fandom, I hope the break is a good thing and that you'll join me here when it's over. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where people can just disappear, but usually, they're asking for it.