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Welcome back, everyone! I am so glad our show is back that I'm tempted to just write a gushy review and go to bed (okay, go watch Revenge and 666 Park Ave. and then go to bed) but while I truly enjoyed "Broken," it left me confused and a little concerned.
Concern set in while I was watching the Season 1 recap episode. During it, the narrator repeatedly refers to Charming as "James." I had to explain this to people (not you people) about a dozen times last season, and will do so here, for the sake of new viewers and readers: James was Charming's twin. James is the now-dead prince who was baby-brokered by Rumpy, reared by King George Charles Widmore, and was killed while battling whoever-that-was. Rumpy then went and got Charming, a shepherd boy, to stand in for his dead princely twin.
We don't know Charming's given name, although post-curse Snow does refer to him as "David" in the season premiere, and David is a fine name for a shepherd king, so maybe the mystery is solved. My point, and I do have one -- it seems to me whoever scripted the recap episode, for probably way more money than I'm getting from Tubey, ought to know the name of one of the main characters, or should at least realize his name isn't James. Do you watch your own shows, ABC? There was an entire episode about this.
We open in New York, on a Mysterious Stranger, played by Michael Raymond-Jones. This imdb.com page makes the actor appear as mysterious as his OUAT character. He seemed familiar though, so I looked a little harder and found this page, which totally ruined my, "Now that's type casting" hook for this paragraph, darn it.
Anyhow, while Mysterious Stranger is struggling to shut a window, he drops his iPod. Will insurance cover that? A pigeon pops by, like they do, and leaves behind a Greetings from Storybrooke postcard on the window sill. The back of the card bears one word: "Broken." And then we don't see MS for the rest of the episode, but it takes me a good while to realize he isn't Prince Phillip (who is played by the far less mysterious Julian Morris), which leads me to the...
Enchanted Forest: This week's fairy tale is a mashup of Sleeping Beauty and Mulan. Mulan (Jamie Chung) and Prince Phillip find Aurora (Sarah Bolger). Phillip kisses her. She wakes. Mulan, madly in love with Phillip, resents the heck out of Sleepy and does not go out of her way to hide it. Then a wraith appears, wearing a tacky yuan medallion. Phillip draws his sword and slashes at the wraith. The medallion falls. The wraith flies off. Phillip picks up the medallion, which marks him as the wraith's prey, but he doesn't let his girlfriends know it. Later, he sneaks off to face the wraith alone, but Mulan and Aurora find him just before the wraith sucks out his soul and kills him. And... I just realized I should have discussed the Storybrooke story first this week, so let's just stick a pin in this moment and move on.
Storybrooke: Everyone remembers their real identities. Emma is not nearly as thrilled as her parents, because she spent 28 years feeling unwanted. At some point, Snow explains they stashed her in the enchanted wardrobe so that she'd have a better life. Emma's a little bitter about that, which is both understandable, because she languished in the foster system, and deliciously hypocritical of her, considering she gave up Henry for adoption, and he ended up in the home of the heartless Evil Queen. Nice characterization, Writers.
Dr. Whale (who is he going to be -- right now, my money's on Peter Pan) leads an angry lynch mob to the Mayoral Manse. Emma, Charming, Snow, Red, Granny and the Dwarfs (henceforth known as the Charming Crew) realize, largely thanks to Henry, that they can't let the mob kill Regina. Henry's desire to do the right thing doesn't surprise me. Basing his plea on the fact that Regina is his mom seems to fly in the face of everything he said about her in the first season, but I don't think this is a continuity error. I think this too is some interesting characterization.
The Charming Crew talks down the angry mob, which is handy because when Regina tries to turn the mob into toads, or whatever, her magic flops. Emma ensconces Regina in the town jail to protect her from everyone, and everyone from her. She and her parents go to find Mr. Gold and I don't know how they don't bump into him in the hallway, because as soon as they exit the jail, he enters. He's got the yuan medallion and marks Regina with it -- as payback for what she did to Belle (and despite his promise to Belle that he wouldn't kill Regina). Later, out in the woods, he does a little Dark One Dagger ritual with the medallion and summons the wraith to Storybrooke.
Emma and her parents finally find Gold at his shop. Emma wants to pop him one for double-crossing her and stealing the potion, but Gold points out that Henry's alive and everyone remembers who they are now, so she ought to be thanking him. Just then, the wraith hits town, and it seems in addition to sucking out its preys' souls, its hobbies include blowing paper through town and making streetlights explode. Okay.
Emma and folks return to the jail and shoo the wraith away right while he's giving Queenie the old Dementors' Kiss. Regina says they can send it back to their world, which she claims no longer exists. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, but first of all, she is Regina, and secondly, she just retrieved an apple from her world, a day ago. Anyhow, she takes her unlikely saviors back to her office where she pulls out Jefferson's magic hat and plays dumb when Emma brings up his name. When the wraith returns for Queenie's soul (my word, the poor critter must be starving, if he'd eat that festering thing), David wards it off with fire as Regina tries to get the hat to work. Her magic is still on the blink, until Emma grabs her arm. The hat begins to spin. A portal opens up. They drive the wraith into it, who must know Middle Earth's Balrog, because as it plummets, it drags Emma down with him. Snow shouts that she can't lose Emma again and jumps in after her daughter. Ditto Charming, but the portal closes while he's in midair and he does a spectacular face-plant on the floor.
By episode's end, Henry arrives and tells Regina he will have nothing to do with her, until she gets Emma and Snow back. He and Charming return to Snow's flat, where the ever original prince promises, "I will find them. I will always find them."
Meanwhile, back in the Enchanted Forest, at the ruins of Aurora's castle, Aurora and Mulan lay Prince Phillip upon the coffinesque bed where Aurora once lay in state. Mulan explains about the 28 years that have passed and gives Aurora the yuan medallion, safely stored in a satin sack. They're about to set out for the one haven left in their world, when they hear a commotion. Buried beneath a pile of rubble, they find Emma and Snow -- unconscious.
The highlight, for me at least, was when Snow waved off Charming's concern about her one night stand with Dr. Whale, with a mere, "We were cursed." Sister has bigger things to worry about than her unwitting adultery, and Charming, of all people, should understand.
I'm concerned that this episode borked the Maleficent timeline, from the second episode. I'll have to go back and watch it, before I do the recap. See, IRS, my occasional DVD deductions are totally legit.
I'm not crazy about Belle returning to Rumpy because he's a monster, but Fairy Tales are hardly the epitome of political correctness, so I'll try to shrug it off, unless I don't. I'm wondering if the Mysterious Stranger will turn out to be Henry's father, and what his fairy tale connection is. Could he be Baelfire? If so, how come he isn't dead (since Bae's story took place centuries before Belle's)? And just who knew enough to send the pigeon and postcard? Oh wait, maybe Bae will be Peter Pan. Argh. My mind it is all a jumble, so let's put this puppy to bed.
I'll be back with the whole story, in the full recap. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where you will always find us.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome back (again, to those of you who read the recaplet). There's nothing like the beginning of a new TV season. Old resentments (except the seething ones I still hold on Graham's behalf) have mellowed. Old critical thoughts have faded from memory. After a long hot, storyless summer, during which I watched way too much political coverage, it feels so good to be able to escape to a world where I can tell someone's lying just by checking to see if that someone's mouth is open. Oh, wait. Well, you know what I mean. We've waited long enough, so let's get to the story, shall we?
We open in New York City. A Mysterious Stranger (Michael Raymond Jones) passes a hansom cab as he makes his way home on foot and via subway. Lou Reed sings him home with "Charley's Girl," which immediately makes me wonder if he's Henry's bio-father. Before I continue, I want to applaud the set decorators on this show. They do such amazing work. The good folks over at TVLine have done a stellar job at highlighting a baker's dozen items of interest in MS's flat. The one thing they can't identify is the picture hanging to the left of MS's door. Other than the "Cleaners & Hatters" sign, that picture is the item that most intrigues me, because it looks so familiar, yet I cannot place it. When I set up my season pass for this show, I forgot to select the HD channel, so I can't get as close a look as I'd like. Is it a grandfather clock? I feel daft admitting this, but it reminds me of something in from the Land of Make-Believe, on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Are there children standing before it? Can anyone help me identify this picture? If you know/see anything else, please tweet me your finds. Thanks!
Anyhow, when MS gets home, it's raining. As he struggles to shut the window, his iPod (or like) plummets several stories to the street below. That's one trick my oldest son (the serial iPod killer) has yet to try -- but only because we live in a two story house. MS's mourning period is interrupted by a carrier pigeon, who coos at MS and leaves him a Storybrooke postcard. On the back is one word, "Broken." Writing the recaplet, I only took the obvious meaning: someone (my money is on Jefferson or possibly August) is informing MS that the Dark Curse has crumbled. But in watching again, I'm beset with the giggles. What if that was a thing -- in real life, you know? I mean the guy destroys his iPod. We watch it tumble to the ground far below. We watch him hang his head in regret. Before he has time to swear or kick something, some smartass bird shows up to mock his loss -- via postcard no less. Now I can't stop imagining this in other scenarios. You're speeding down the interstate and get pulled over by the police. As you're digging out your license and registration, Snarky McBirderson lands on the hood with a postcard that reads, "Busted." You fail Chemistry. The Scornful Snipe's judgment? "Grounded." You're left at the altar, and Disparaging Dove is all, "Forever Alone." I kind of want badinaging birds to be a thing (or at least a sitcom). Title Card.
Enchanted Forest. Atop their trusty steeds, Prince Phillip and a companion whose face is obscured by a helmet (but it's totally Mulan, so I'm not going to waste 15 minutes of your time or mine pretending I don't already know that) tear across the landscape. They finally reach the neglected castle where the lovely Aurora lies in cursed, if sweet repose. Phillip and Mulan slash their way through the thorns that have grown up around the place. Phillip circles his love and finally kisses her, but before he does, he cautions Mulan that if his kiss breaks the curse, they can't tell Aurora everything right away. Of course his kiss works, because true love conquers all. As the happy couple smooches some more, a jealous Mulan averts her gaze and wanders off.
When Aurora wonders how long she's been asleep, Phillip obfuscates. Now they're together, they can restore their castle and kingdom. He won't explain what he means, and instead insists that his beloved needs her rest. Um? To give her her due, Aurora's reaction is similar to mine, just more princessly. Phillip waves off his girl's valid point and says that while Maleficent can no longer harm them, they must join their people in a new safe haven. There are new dangers now, but nothing they can't handle. I'd be furious with my husband if he was so unforthcoming with me, but Aurora is young. She'll learn. The most important part of this scene seems to be Aurora's comment about Maleficent. Apparently the most deliciously wicked Disney villain of all time went after Aurora's mother before setting her sights on Aurora. For now, I'm letting that throwaway line quell my concerns that this episode screwed up the timeline established in "The Thing You Love Most," which is good, because it's way too early in the season for me to summon my ire.
Storybrooke. We pick up where we left off. Mary Margaret and David are Snow and Charming now, too. They hold each other as thick purple magic whooshes through town. As the air clears, they decide to find out what's happening. The soon run into Granny and Ruby/Red whose memories of their world-that-was have clearly returned. Everyone hugs and I'm surprised to find how moving this is. I wonder if this is what Heaven will be like?
Soon, Leroy/Grumpy calls out, "Your Highness." When he and the other dwarfs bow to their princess, her face just crumbles with emotion. She rushes to them for a group hug -- and why didn't I buy any tissues? I knew this was coming. Gah. After a little discussion about the curse being broken, Snow says it's time to find her daughter. From behind, we hear Emma's voice: "So, it's true?" While Snow and Charming are overcome with love, Emma is confused and standoffish as she processes this news. Mary is gentle as she considers her daughter's face, but can't fight the tears. She embraces Emma, and Charming (crying so prettily that you just know, somewhere, a badinaging bird has just left Jack Shephard a "Usurped," postcard) hugs his wife and daughter. Henry's sweet little, "Grandpa?" helps lighten the mood.
There's much speculation that MS will end up being Alice In Wonderland's White Rabbit. What do you think? Are you liking him for Henry's father, too? As Charming embraces the boy, Henry says, "She did it. She saved you." Snow adds, "She saved all of us." Emma doesn't know what to say, but Grumpy's wondering why they're still there. The dwarfs pepper the Charming family with questions, most of which are, "What was that smoke?" It's then that Mother Superior Boobs/Blue Fairy arrives and says it was magic. Henry asks her to do something magical, but she says that with no wands or fairy dust, things are more complicated. Grumpy suggests they find the person responsible, "The Queen." Emma tells them it wasn't Regina. We cut to...
Mr. Gold/Rumplestiltskin (sic) and Belle are still at the magical well. She tells him Regina abducted her and locked her away, into the curse. She's been in the asylum for 28 years. Rumpy is furious. Belle asks if he woke up the magic so he could exact revenge. Rumpy says it isn't, but it will come in handy. Belle makes him promise that he won't give into his hate and kill Regina. She adds, "Promise me that we can be together." He promises and they kiss. I'm not much of an agist but something about that kiss makes my skin crawl. I'm not feeling this couple this year.
Downtown. Emma, Henry, Snow, Charming, Granny, Red and the Dwarfs walk right down the middle of the street. Snow wants to get Emma to open up, but Emma's real superpower is how quickly she walls off her emotions. The only thing she wants to do right now is ask Gold why he double-crossed her and what he'd done to this town. When Snow again tries to talk about them and their lives, Emma suggest they do that later. "With a glass of wine...several...bottles." That she's the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming is a little overwhelming. She needs some time.
Emma's reprieve comes in the form of Archie/Jiminy, who reports that Dr. Whale is leading an angry mob to Regina's house -- to kill her. Grumpy would like to pop some corn and watch. Jiminy reminds them killing is wrong. I'm not so sure that's true. I don't want to Godwin all over you fine folks, but Queenie is their Hitler, is she not? Henry, a redemptionist at heart, backs up Jiminy's appeal to the group's collective conscience, with one aimed straight at their hearts. "He's right. Please. She's still my mom." Some viewers think that while Henry probably would plead for Regina's life, he wouldn't refer to her as his mother, but I like that he did. This is a little boy who was brought up by Regina. Even if he hates her, he would still love her, too. As she said in the pilot, she soothed every fever and blah blah blah mommycakes. Charming points out that if magic has come to town, that angry mob to could be marching to its own slaughter. As the gang runs down the street to intervene. We pan to the library tower. The clock reads 8:25, which means I fretted all summer, for nothing. Thank goodness.
Enchanted Forest. Mulan senses a disturbance in the force or whatever and heads toward some nearby steps. Noticing some cracks, she kneels to examine them. Just then a cheap Halloween decoration bursts up through the floor, knocks Mulan over and flies toward Aurora and Phillip. It pauses long enough to give us a good laugh. My mother calls, "Don't you and Scott have a Halloween decoration that looks just like that?" Pretty much. It might be broken. Note to self: Dig out decorations over the weekend. [Note: I was thinking a Dementor from Harry Potter! -- Rachel.] Aurora and Phillip aren't from our world, so they are understandably not used to such extreme tackiness and cower and terror. Phillip rushes toward it with his sword and tries to slay the Chintz Monster, but only manages to knock off its bling -- a yuan medallion. The Chintz Monster flies off. Phillip picks up the bling -- his first mistake.
Public Service Announcement. A lot of people seem bothered by all the different accents you hear on the show -- since the characters are all from the same place. The thing is -- they're not. They're from the same universe, but they live in different regions, countries and whatnot. How many accents can you hear just on the Isle of Great Britain? Heck, how many English accents can you hear just in London? For that matter, look at all the regional accents in the U.S. Only Boston-area readers will fully appreciate this one, but my cousin moved to Colorado for a few years. One night, he was tending bar, and a female customer came up and ordered a beer. He turned around and -- based only on her accent -- said, "You're from Revere!" Freaked out, because she was indeed from Revere, the girl asked how he knew. Kevin replied, "I'm from Malden." So, you know, stop treating the various accents as if they're a problem, because you just look silly. Interesting? Fine. Problematic. Not so much.
Storybrooke. We open on the chipped teacup, as Belle and Rumpy return to his shop. He asks her to wait while he finds her something to wear, but once in his back room, he opens a locked cabinet, dons some black leather gloves and opens a golden case, from which he removes the yuan medallion. Commercial.
Mayoral Manse. Dr. Whale pounds on the door. Regina answers with a satisfied smirk as she wonders if he's going to kill her. Pretty much, but he wants to make her suffer first. Ooh, I just wonder who he is -- who he really is. Regina addresses the mob. "You wanted to see your Queen. Well, my dears, here...she...is..." She raises her arms then stretches them out toward the crowd. Everyone cowers in terror, but nothing happens. Once they realize she's powerless, Whale manhandles her, but Emma rushes up and orders him to let Regina go. Whale wonders why he should listen to Emma, so she points out that she's still the sheriff. Charming knows that's not going to cut it with his fellow Enchanted Forestians, so he reminds them that Emma saved them all. Snow adds that no matter what Regina did, it doesn't justify a lynching. Whale's unimpressed. He's not from this world, after all. Charming inserts himself between his daughter and the doctor. Whale: "Back off. You're not my prince." Charming is a bit taken aback. "Who are you, Whale?" Whale says that's his business. Charming counters that his business is making sure Storybrooke doesn't go to hell. They have a lot to figure out and this isn't the way to do it. Snow suddenly fancies herself an old time orator. From the front stop she projects: "And Regina's DEATH won't provide any answers. She needs to be locked up -- for her safety, and more importantly, for ours." I love Ginny's work on this show, and I think I usually make that clear, so I don't feel too guilty about busting a gut over her delivery of the first part of her line. It was like something you'd see in a very bad Middle School production.
Sheriff's Office: Regina is now behind bars. Snow, Emma and Henry look on as Charming asks her why they didn't go back, since the curse is broken. Regina lies that there's nothing to go back to. Their land no longer exists. I know what she says is wrong, but besides that, she is lying, right? Yes, her mouth is moving, but I mean other than that -- she had Jefferson retrieve the apple that nearly ended up killing Henry at the end of Season 1. I suppose that magic could have been time-travel magic. Ack. I am confused. I'm just deciding for now that until we learn otherwise, Regina's pants are on fire, and not because she's a hottie (though she is). I had a childhood friend like that. Well, she never ripped the heart out of her father or cursed everyone in her entire world (as far as I know), but she lied quicker than she'd tell the truth. She wasn't always covering her arse, either. If you asked her what she had for lunch, and she had peanut butter, she'd tell you she had tuna. I never saw anything like it. Snow says that they should go see "Gold." Caveat lector: Now that the curse is broken enough for them to remember who they once were, I've defaulted to using our characters' fairy tale names, when known, but if a character uses a Storybrooke name, I'll use it, too. (And also, I'm forgetful.)
Once she's alone, Regina tries to whammy open the cell door. It's then that Rumpy comes out from another room and informs her, "Magic is different here, dearie." After a little bitchery, she asks him if he's there to finish the job, but he claims she is safe from him. He promised Belle he wouldn't kill her. Regina feigns shock that Belle is alive. Rumpy's not buying it. He knows she kept the girl alive until it suited her purposes to kill her. He calls this a fate worse than death, then whips out the yuan medallion and uses it to marks Regina's palm as he blusters about how unpleasant her inescapable destiny will be. We cut to...
Enchanted Forest. Mulan looks at the medallion and says the Chintz Monster is a "Qui Shen. In your land, you would call it a wraith." No, dear. It's a Chintz Monster. You can't kill it, but eventually it will fall apart and moths will eat its cloak. Aurora's all, "And...you are?" And once Mulan removes her helmet, Aurora says, "You're a girl." Mulan corrects her. She's a woman thank you very much. Then she explains that the Chintz Monster is a soul sucker that marks its victims then sucks out their souls, damning them for all eternity. They're fortunate to have escaped being marked. Phillip assures Aurora they'll be safe with their people, but when he hugs her, he notices the medallion has marked his palm. At some point, Phillip also explains that Mulan fought side by side with him as he searched for Aurora.
Storybrooke. Alone in the forest, a still gloved Rumpy drops the medallion to the ground, raises up his Dark One Dagger -- the very dagger that doomed the show to misspelling his name for all eternity -- and says, "The Dark One summons thee." He crouches down and stabs the knife into the ground, near the medallion. Back in her cell, Regina wakes with a gasp. She looks at the searing mark on her palm and gasps again. Back in the forest, black smoke pours up out of the medallion. It materializes into the Chintz Monster. They really should have just co-opted the Smoke Monster from Lost. Anyhow, Chintzy sizes up Rumpy, then flits off into commercial.
Downtown. Emma loads Henry into Red's shiny red sports car, because as a minor, Jared Gilmore can't work too many hours. Once she's alone with her husband and daughter, Snow insists to Emma that they need to talk. Nervous, the poor woman babbles. "Gold can wait. I can't. You're my daughter, and I want to talk to you. I know we have talked -- but we didn't know that we were talking, and we talked about things we probably shouldn't have even talked about -- one night stands and the like." Charming does a double-take. "One night stands?" Snow deadpans. "Whale." Charming: "WHALE?" Snow raises her hand, pretty much showing Charming that he can just talk to it. "We were cursed. That is neither here nor there." I cannot express how much I love that exchange! I love it so much, I'm starting a new paragraph.
Snow turns her attention back to Emma. "The point is, we did not know that we were mother and daughter, and now we do, so please, let's talk." Emma asks what she wants to talk about. Snow: "We're together -- finally, and I can't help but think you're not happy about it." Emma insists she is, but explains that no matter the circumstance, for 28 years she only knew one thing -- that her parents sent her away. Snow says they did it to give Emma her best chance -- exactly what Emma told Henry, when first they met. Deliciously, that's not good enough for Emma. "You did it for everyone, because that's who you are -- leaders, heroes, princes and princesses and that's great, and amazing, and... wonderful, but it doesn't change the fact that for my entire life, I've been alone."
Snow tells Emma, "If we hadn't sent you away, you would have been cursed, too." Emma replies, "But we would have been together. Which curse is worse?" Um, no, you would have been an infant for 28 years, living with another family -- that is, if Regina's guards didn't kill infant-you on sight, Emma. I'm not mad at Emma for what she said. I'm mad that the writers didn't give Snow or Charming a chance to try and set her straight. This is a classic example of what I think of as TV Talk. You know what I mean. There are times when TV characters don't respond how real people respond and it frustrates the heck out of me, particularly in a well-written drama. They're holding back, of course, so that we can revel in Emma's angst for a while, and I'm all about reveling in fictional angst, but either Snow or Charming could have (and should have) said something in response to Emma. Emma wouldn't have to accept it, and we'd have the same result, except I wouldn't be so aggravated right now. Anyhow, Emma stays on script and tells her parents they need to find Gold. Charming grabs Snow's hand. We cut to...
Enchanted Forest. Mulan suggests setting up camp for the night and says the Chintz Monster only appears after dark, and explains that's why it took off so quickly from the castle -- because light is its adversary. Um? I don't have a problem with that -- or wouldn't, if it hadn't hovered over Phillip for a good long while. I'd like to just erase this knockoff Dementor from my memory, please. Aurora questions the decision to camp, but Mulan argues that it's looking for a living mark, so their best bet is to lie still 'til night passes.
After they make camp, Phillip suggests sleep to his Sleeping Beauty. She knows something is wrong, but he's still dissembling. He lies that he's going to find firewood, promises to be back in five minutes, then kisses her lips off. Aurora giggles that he's showing so much passion prior to a mere five minute separation. He claims he's making up for lost time, and tells her he loves her. Aurora returns the sentiment. Walking away with his back turned to his princess, Phillip lets a single manly tear escape as he walks off toward his fate worse than death, but don't worry Charming, although it's effective, you're still the new prettiest crier in my heart. Sorry, Jack.
Storybrooke. Rumpy is preparing tea at his shop, when Emma and her parents arrive. Emma wants to know what he did. Rumpy tries to stall, but Charming and Snow press their daughter's case, reminding him that he double-crossed Emma, took away the potion she liberated from Dragon-Maleficent's scaly bosom, and brought whatever sort of mojo to town. Emma adds, "Worst of all, you risked Henry's life." When Rumpy pooh-poohs their grievances, Emma says, "Maybe I don't need answers. Maybe I just need to punch you in the face." My mind harkens back to the pilot, when our then bail bondsperson smashed her prey's face against his steering wheel. That's all it took to win me over. Rumpy laughs and suggests that since Henry survived, the curse is broken and Emma has been reunited with her parents, he deserves a thank you rather than a punch in the face. Emma snarks about him twisting her words and demands to know about the purple haze. With his patented finger twirl, Rumpy answers, "Magic!" Snow wants to know why, but Rumpy's not talking. Dark Forces have his back.
The earth shakes. There's a rumble. Outside alarms sound. Everyone rushes to look out the window. Although they don't see it, it's clear to us that the wraith is in town, and it seems in addition to sucking out its preys' souls, its hobbies include blowing paper through town and making streetlights explode. Yes, I just plagiarized my own darned recaplet, but not everyone reads both -- like apparently my own MOTHER. Ahem. Rumpy tells Emma, "That is my gift to you. That is going to take care of Regina." As lights continue to explode and as paper drifts down the middle of the street, threatening the Storybrookers with annoying albeit harmless papers cuts, Snow puts on her Mommy Pants. "Emma, come on." Charming adds, "We need to go take care of this." Emma hisses at Rumpy that they're not done. Rumpy: "Oh, I know. You still owe me a favor." Emma's cynical smile warms the cockles of my jaded heart.
Bemused, Rumpy watches the Charming family make their exit. His smile turns to chagrin as he realizes Belle overheard the whole scene and insists he didn't lie to her. "I kept my word. I will not kill her." Belle will not play his word games and tells him he's still a man who makes "wrong choices," which seems to be putting it a bit mildly. When she says thought he'd changed, Rumpy scoffs. "What? In the hour you've known me." He and Emma ought to have an Emotional Wall Erect-off...uh, right after I find another name for it, because I just made myself sick. As Belle leaves the shop, Rumpy cries out that he's sorry. Unimpressed, she slams the door behind her. Rather than rushing after her, Rumpy only stands there and mopes, so really, he'll be doubly to blame when that poor girl ends up covered in paper cuts, which he'll learn when a Sardonic Sapsucker delivers him a post card reading, "Shredded!" Commercial.
Enchanted Forest. When Aurora wonders where Phillip is, Mulan notices the missing horses and snits that he must have been marked by the Chintz Monster and has gone off to his doom alone. She's going after him because he's sacrificing himself for Aurora. Aurora wants to help, but Mulan dismisses her and takes off alone. Although I knew the basics, I'd never watched Mulan until the day after this episode aired. I'm not crazy about her Once Upon A Time incarnation. Mulan's own story centers on her rejecting the narrow path available to girls and making her own life and fate, yet here she is marginalizing Aurora, after barely getting to know her. Alone, Aurora doesn't seem to know which way to go, which seems unnecessarily silly because she saw Phillip leave and she saw Mulan leave. She should have a clue as to their general direction. Maybe she just needs a strong cup of coffee. Our last look at her in this scene, is through some sort of hole. I can't help but wonder if it's the hollowed out tree trunk in which Snow White hid her booty, back in "Snow Falls." If it is -- is there something in there -- watching -- or is this just an artful bit of camera work?
Storybrooke. The Chintz Monster flies through the streets. In the jail, the lights flicker on and off. Regina calls out, "Who's there?" Chintzy enters, chintzes about for a moment and then starts with the soul suckage. The Charmings burst in and save the day, well, after Chintzy throws them and some office furniture around. Strangely, enough, the papers stay tacked to the bulletin board and while the lights go out, they don't blow out. Snow finds an aerosol can and a cigarette lighter and shoots flames at Chintzy, which bothers him enough to make him fly out a window.
Regina gasps. As Emma helps the Mayor Queen to her feet, she asks about Chintzy. Regina explains wraiths, soul suckage and marking, etc. Snow asks if she killed the beast. Regina says no. It's just off, recharging. It won't stop 'til it has devoured her -- its prey. She says there's no way to kill it, since you can't kill something that's already dead. With any luck, Rupert Giles was transported to Storybrooke too, and can set them straight.
Emma notes they have a problem. Charming's face is terrifically stern for such a crybaby. He says, "No. We don't. Regina does." Amen, Daddy. Amen. All three ladies are surprised. Snow is so surprised she refers to him as David. Interesting, especially in light of week's episode title. Emma: "You want to let her die?" Charming: "Why not? Then it goes away. Then we're safe." Regina: "That's quite an example you're setting for your daughter." Oh she is too much. Charming counters that Queenie doesn't get to judge them. Regina says, "Let me ask you something. Where do you think that thing came from? Gold." Charming looks perplexed, which perplexes me, since, back at the shop, Rumpy said as much. None of this matters. What matters is Emma reminding her father that she made a promise to his grandson. Regina is not dying. Regina seems surprised by this. Snow asks Regina, "Since it can't be killed, what do you suggest?" Regina: "Send it somewhere it can't hurt anyone."
Mayor's Office. Regina plops Jefferson's hat box on a table and opens it, pausing to ask if Henry truly asked Emma to protect her. After Emma says, "Yes," she gets a look at the hat. She realizes it's Jefferson's. Regina plays dumb like she doesn't know who Jefferson is. Emma tips her...um...hat no further. Just then, Charming and Snow enter, with brooms, even though Sweeps isn't until November. (Sorry.) They'll serve as torches to ward off the wraith, when it returns. Our pretty crybaby knows it's old-fashioned, "But so am I."
Regina explains that the hat will open a portal to "our land." All they have to do is shoo Chintzy into it. While Charming scoffs at Regina's nonchalance, Snow is on the ball. "I don't understand. I thought our land was gone." Regina answers (and probably lies and covers), "It is, but sending it to a place that no longer exists -- well, that's banishing it to oblivion." Chintzy blows the doors open and seems to blow out at least a couple of the torches. We cut to commercial, to give our crew time to relight them.
Enchanted Forest. Aurora, who found one of their horses, catches up with Mulan, who is taking a page out of Kate Austen's book, and tracking Phillip. Suddenly, I'm shipping her with Charming, or possibly Whale. Yes, that's it! I've decoded Whale's other identity. He's Lost's Sawyer! Mulan really doesn't want Aurora's company. Since Phillip left to protect Aurora, Mulan is going to honor his wishes. She blathers about how everything he does, he does for Aurora and adds, "Now he's going to die for you. Love is sacrifice, something you clearly don't understand." Meow. Aurora refuses to let her beloved face the wraith alone. Mulan assures her he won't. "But with all due respect, Your Highness, Phillip's best chance is me." It's then that dawn breaks over Aurora's (ouch) head. "You love him.... Phillip. You love him, too." Mulan lies that she doesn't. It's just that they fought side by side for so long. Aurora knows the truth, though. When they hear the Chintz Monster's soul sigh, Aurora says, "Phillip!" We cut to...
Mayor's Office. I think -- are they in the courtroom, or something? Well, whatever. Snow uses booze to make a flame barrier along a rail. As Charming keeps Chintzy at bay with his torch, Regina struggles to make the hat work, but it's not going so well. We cut to...
Enchanted Forest. Phillip yells to the still invisible wraith, "Come on, you bastard." Mulan and Aurora arrive before Chintzy, though. He explains he's been marked and tells his girlfriends to go. "There's no other way." Mulan asks for the talisman. She'll mark herself so that Phillip can live. I'm not all up on Chintz Monster mythology, but wouldn't that plan just ensure Chintzy a second breakfast? I mean the thing needs to get the taste of Regina's soul out of its mouth. It doesn't matter. Phillip chooses to save them both. Aurora doesn't want to live without her prince, but he feels the same. Finally, Chintzy arrives. Phillip turns his head and says, over his shoulder, "I love you." The camera pans from Aurora to Mulan, because there's nothing so compelling as a love triangle between characters we neither yet know or care about. Yawn. Anyhoodle, Phillip casts down his torch and the fairly patient wraith finally gets about to sucking -- soul sucking, that is. We've already covered the other ways in which it sucks. Aurora screams, "No!" Mulan screams, "Phillip." Then Aurora screams, "Phillip," several times. Eventually he falls to the ground. Mulan and Aurora kneel beside him. Thank goodness it's time to return to...
Storybrooke. Charming would appreciate it if Regina could get that portal open, thank you very much. She explains that magic is different there. Emma kneels to her nemesis and grabs her arm, which is all it takes to revive Regina's powers. Charming chases the wraith into the hat portal, but our dear old Chintz Monster grabs Emma's leg and drags her in behind him. Snow screams that she can't lose her daughter again and jumps in after her. Regina refrains from screaming, "BEST DAY EVER!" Charming dives off the railing to follow his best girls into oblivion (if Regina is telling the truth, which...ha) or wherever, but the portal closes and he faceplants right on the floor. A modicum of restraint, Regina still manages not to scream, "BEST DAY EVER," but I can't stop cackling. Poor Charming.
Enchanted Forest. Phillip is now lying atop the same deathbed where Aurora once slumbered. Aurora mentions that the palace was to be their home for eternity. Mulan asks how she ended up there in her cursed state. Aurora: "You're not the only one who knows about sacrifice." You go, girl. It's then that Mulan gives Aurora the medallion -- but not in the way Rumpy gave it to Regina. She stows it in a satin sack first, and says her rival should have it. Aurora thanks her. Phillip's girlfriends seem to have reached a detente.
Storybrooke. Charming feels up the floor, like that's going to reopen the portal. He cries a little (oh and writers, directors and actor -- I love this crying, I am not kidding you, but I'm suddenly afraid you'll mistake my reveling for mocking, which I guess it kind of is, but I mock only with love; Charming is awesome), and turns his attention to Regina. "WHERE ARE THEY?" Regina says (and probably lies) that she has no idea. Charming demands to know if the women are dead. Regina non-answers that the curse destroyed all the lands. Charming reiterates. "ARE THEY DEAD?" Regina: "I DON'T KNOW." He closes in on Regina as he says he should have killed her, himself. Regina's all, "What's stopping you," but then she magics him up against the wall. The trees on her awesome wallpaper spring to life and twist into his restraints. As Charming chokes, Regina mocks him for thinking he's a heroic prince, when he's really just the son of a shepherd (and a kindred spirit to Jack Shephard). She says, "I should have killed you when I could. And now...now I can." Um? So you are killing him when you could...can whatever. It's not just me, right? That taunt was just weird.
Red and Henry arrive. The boy yells out, "Mom!" Regina stops herself, turns toward her son and turns on the charm. "It's okay. You're safe now." When she touches Henry, her living wall paper releases Charming and goes back to sleep. Red rushes to Charming's side. Henry: "Where's my mom and where's..." Regina: "They're gone. They fell through a portal. They're... Henry, I'm sorry." Henry: "No you're not. You really are the Evil Queen. I don't want to see you again." Regina: "No, don't say that." She touches his face. "I love you." Henry: "Then prove it. Get Emma and Mary Margaret back, and until then, leave me -- leave everyone alone." Regina asks where he'll go. Charming answers for his grandson. "With me." He walks to Henry's side and leads the boy out. Red follows, turning back only once, to give Regina her best, "The better to eat you with..." glare. That's all well and good, but clearly Regina has her magic back, and Charming certainly knows it, so why doesn't he demand she try out the hat trick (oh and man, I wish NHL would settle this accursed strike), before he leaves? TV TALK, I hate you.
Pawn Shop. Belle returns. She didn't want to see him, but she was worried. Rumpy says the beast is gone and Regina lives. How does he know? Belle: "So, you didn't get what you wanted?" Rumpy: "Well, that remains to be seen." It's then that Belle notices Rumpy still has Chip. He tells her that while there are many things in his shop, Chip is the only one he cherishes. He says he know Belle must leave. He's still a monster. She grabs his shoulders as she smiles. "Don't you see? That's exactly the reason I have to stay." I just have to go and get sick. I'll be right back.
Mary Margaret's Hovel: Charming and Henry arrive and Henry stares at a picture of Emma and Snow. Finally, Charming tells him not to worry. He just knows Emma and "Mary Margaret" are alive. He knows, because he has faith. He crouches down and looks up at Henry. Sing it with me. Altogether, now! "I will find them. I will always find them."
Enchanted Forest. Mulan tells Aurora they should leave the castle. They're not safe there. She explains that much changed while Aurora was asleep. When Aurora says she was out for less than a year, Mulan corrects her. "As you slept and Phillip and I searched for you, something worse happened. [...] Are you familiar with Regina, the Queen? [...] She cast a curse on this land -- a terrible, terrible curse. It ripped everyone away to another world. [...] This corner of the land was untouched. No one knows why, but something saved us." I really hope it's Flora, Fauna and Merryweather! Oh sorry, Mulan. Continue. "For 28 years, we were frozen. And then time started again. The terrible curse's power was weakened. Phillip and I were able to resume our search. We found you, but the land is ravaged with dangers more fearsome than you can imagine. For those of us who remain, we found a safe haven. We must go there, now." If they were truly frozen in time, how does Mulan know 28 years passed? In fact, did it even pass?
There's a rumble, and then some commotion coming from underneath the rubble surrounding the wraith's entry point. Mulan and Aurora investigate. Aurora: "What is that?" Mulan looks down. "That -- that is what brought the wraith here. That's what killed our prince." Cut to an unconscious Emma and Snow White. Fade to black.
Well, that was a thing, huh? As usual, Storybrooke continues to hold my heart, more than does the Enchanted Forest, but the tackiness of the Chintz Monster aside, this was solid sophomore premiere and I can't wait for more. Because this episode was not linear, I'm just going to go over the timeline as I understand it, so four months from now, when something harkens back to this episode, I'll have a handy dandy cheat sheet. You ready? Okay.
The main thing to remember is that all the Chintzy Storybrooke scenes are set prior to Chintzy's Enchanted Forest scenes. Specifically: Rumpy takes out the medallion, marks Regina, and summons the Chintz Monster to Storybrooke. In a puff of black smoke, the Chintz Monster rises up through the medallion, becomes corporeal, makes us all point, laugh and mock. He (it?) is then wearing said medallion. The Chintz Monster goes after Regina at the jail, but Snow chases it off. The Chintz Monster finds Regina and the Charmings at the Town Hall. Emma reignites Regina's powers. Regina opens the portal. They chase Chintzy in. Chintzy takes Emma with him. Snow follows them. We move to the Enchanted Forest reality. Chintzy bursts up through the floor. We don't see Emma and Snow, because they're covered in rubble from Chintzy's big entrance, but they're there and unconscious -- for like a whole day, it seems. Phillip sacrifices himself to Chintzy. His girlfriends bring him back to the castle. They finally find Emma and Snow. Ta dah!
Like I said, a lot of people are liking the Mysterious Stranger as the White Rabbit. Others think he could be Baelfire. What do you think? I'm wondering when we'll get to see August again, and if he's recovered from his reversion to wood. Do you think Jefferson sent the carrier pigeon to MS, or do you think August did it? What about my speculation that he could be Henry's bio-dad? Oh, there's a bird on my desk. How did that get in here? What's up with this "Greetings from Storybrooke" postcard? All it says is, "Cuckoo!"
I'll be back Monday morning with coverage of the intriguingly titled "We Are Both." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where you will always find us.