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Mary Margaret is a stalker, but luckily she has Emma, her good friend/roommate/daughter to point this trait out to her. This doesn't stop Mary Margaret from obsessing over David, but when she catches his wife Catherine with a pregnancy test, she allllmost thinks twice. Luckily a lost dove (who mates for life!) falls into her life and she has absolutely has no choice but to bring the bird to the Pet Shelter where her object d'amour works. It's all the bird's fault!
A storm is coming to Storybrooke, but what's worse is that a stranger is in town and Regina doesn't like it. To get Emma to look into the guy, Regina tells Emma that the dude was skulking around Henry. That springs Emma into action and she tracks the stranger down at Granny's. After some back and forth, Emma makes him tell her what's in the box he's carrying. He says he'll tell her, but only if she promises to go out for a drink with him. She agrees and he shows her a typewriter. He's a writer! OOOOooooOOOOooooo. Right?
Meanwhile in the Magical Kingdom, Snow White has had it up to here with all this thinking about Prince James. So Red Riding Hood mentions that she knows a guy who does some back-alley love killing. His name is Rumpelstiltskin and the only price he asks to make Snow White's love die is a piece of hair. What kind of weird economy does he work in? Also, gross. Snow leaves with his magical potion, but before she can chugalug, James sends a pigeon for her with a note saying something along the lines of, "Sorry I haven't called babe, I'm supposed to get married in a few days, but if you still want me, stop on by the castle and we can totally hook up." Winner winner sushi dinner, right?
Snow heads for the castle, but before she can hook up with James, a guard catches her and throws her in the brig for trespassing. She finds herself in the clink with Grumpy, until his brother Stealth springs them from jail. Back in real life, Mary Margaret is driving around looking for her stray dove's flock, because she needs a distraction from dear old David. Then she almost falls down a cliff trying to reunite the darn bird with his family. Luckily David saves her. They get caught in the storm and are forced to take shelter in an abandoned cabin. Mary lasts two seconds before confessing that she still has feelings for him. He echoes her, but then she reminds him about his pregnant wife. Turns out David didn't know that little tidbit, but he still wants to hold Mary's hand. She puts the kibosh on that, because he's married and his wife might be pregnant and ew, really? She likes that guy?
Meanwhile Snow White, Grumpy and his brother Stealthy disagree on how to escape from the castle. The dwarves make the wrong choice and Stealthy, well, there's a reason he's not in the stories. Snow saves Grumpy's life by surrendering to the king. The king tells Snow that if she doesn't tell James she doesn't love him, he will kill him. It's not his son, he doesn't care. So it's kind of a no-brainer and since Snow doesn't want James dead, she tells him she's just not that into him. Snow walks away in tears and hooks up with the seven remaining dwarves who invite her to live with them and convince her not to take Rumpelstiltskin's magic potion. The day, though, Prince James' wedding is off, but it's too late. Snow couldn't handle the pain and took Rumplestiltskin's potion and now she can't ever remember who James is.
IRL, David finds out that Katherine's not pregnant. She convinces him to get therapy, which starts with not getting coffee at Granny's every morning. Mary Margaret has also decided not to go to Granny's, but then they both end up at Granny's anyway and make out in broad daylight in front of Regina. Not quite a fairytale ending, but it'll do.
Come back for the full recap as soon as humanly possible.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker looks just like Snow White or maybe Grumpy. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome to Storybrooke! I am your friendly neighborhood guide filling in for Cindy who had it up to HERE with this show and needed a week off to re-read her favorite fairy tales and spend some quality time with the real Maleficent. Totally rational behavior.
The show opens in the "real" world (what is real? Let's all think about that for a while and pretend we're in college, really really drunk) where a mysterious scruffy man is fixing his motorcycle. Lock up your daughters, people, because he's a Bad Boy. You can tell because Bad Boys because they can't figure out how to work a razor (is it up? is it down? What is the baddest brand of shaving cream?) and they all drive motorcycles.
So the mysterious stranger is fixing up his bike when Henry wanders up to him because his mother never taught him not to talk to strangers and, let's face it, this kid has no boundaries. He asks the stranger all sorts of questions about what he's doing in Storybrooke , what's in the box strapped to his motorcycle, how life is like a box of chocolates and the guy is giving curt but polite answers that don't really tell us anything. Henry is about to have a conniption fit over all the mystery, but the man roars off on his motorcycle and Regina comes out and hollers at her idiot kid for talking to unshaven men who aren't Amish.
A storm is brewing, which clearly Means Something, because a storm is never just a storm on these shows. Who will get trapped in it? Let's start guessing now! Oh please, we all know it's going to be. I'll let you figure it out for yourself. Here's a hint: Emma is sipping her coffee and watching the weather report when Mary Margaret rushes out causing a little tornado of her own. She claims she is late for school, but she heads straight to Granny's, grabs a table, fixes her hair and then pretends to be busy reading when David walks in.
David grabs two coffees (one for his wife!) and then turns and sees Mary Margaret studiously ignoring him. He interrupts her reading to make light chit chat. She pretends she barely remembers where she knows him from and they joke awkwardly about his job at the animal shelter and whether the animals have started to take over the world yet. Hahaha. Wait, that is nothing to joke about, Show.
David bids her farewell, and goes to the car where his wife is waiting. He gives her a peck and her coffee. While Mary Margaret stews in frustration at the fact that the love of her life is married. How rude! To make matters worse, Emma totally busts Mary Margaret in her lie. She sits down at the table and calls her out on her creepy stalking. The man is married, okay? And sure, you're fated to be together in a different world, but come on. Mary Margaret has far too Catholic a name to be considering this. And yet! As Emma points all of this out to her, Mary Margaret pouts, "Love is the worst. I wish there was a magic cure for it." Cue cutting to the Enchanted World.
Snow White, who I would guess wouldn't put up with much of Mary Margaret's whining about love, is spear hunting like a boss when she almost clocks Red Riding Hood. Red is far too bony to make good eating. In her defense, Red looks kind of deer-like, although the bright red cloak should have been a giveaway.
Snow explains that she wasn't expecting her for a month and Red points out that it has been a month. Snow is all set to make some small talk, but Red is having none of it. "Ask me!" she demands, so Snow relents and says fine tell me. Red fills her in on Prince James' wedding details. ("There's going to be a swan pond. I know, tacky right? And they are doing a cupcake tower, which is so last year. And I heard that the wedding band is all harp. Who does that? And the bride is wearing white. What a laugh, right?")
Snow is startled to hear the wedding is in two days' time and wishes she could just forget about that darn prince. Red tells her that she heard rumor of some guy who does back alley love killing. It's illegal, but they both know it's her body and her choice. All Snow has to do is track him down in the murky dark swamp where he lives. If only love killing was legal he could be in a nice clean, regulated office on Main Street! When will people ever learn?
Snow jumps at the chance to kill the love growing inside her. Cut to Snow in a cloak leaping gently onto a dock. She is tying up her boat when a crusty voice comes out of the fog. How much? Snow spears him and gets on with her life. Well, she should have anyway. The disembodied voice moves out of the fog and becomes embodied in a crusty old face to match the crusty voice. The back alley love killer? It's Rumpelstiltskin of course.
He grabs Snow's face and does a Golem impression, "My precious! You are the fairest in the land." Snow steps back because ew. She still doesn't spear the little creep, though, because she really wants to kill her love for Prince James. Rumpy laughs that love stinks almost as much as the potion he's about to give her. He fills a bottle up with pond water, plucks a hair from Snow's head and adds it to the mix. Ugh, I would rather be madly in love with a married man for eternity than drink a hair. * Shudder *
The cost for this potion that will make Snow forget that James even exists? Just a hair. He wants to get paid in human hair? Oh jeeze, Rumpy, just get back to your LARPing okay? Freaking weirdo. By the way, this entire scene is a near-exact but much less funny version of The Legend of Old Greg from the brilliant BBC series "The Mighty Boosh." (Hands off, ladies, Noel Fielding is mine!) Seriously though, someone has been watching a lot of the Boosh. Or maybe picked up the set at a clearance sale.
Back in the real world, Mary Margaret is at the store picking up some chocolate and Boone's (I'm guessing) to drown her sorrows when -- OOPS she runs full body contact into Catherine. The contents of their baskets go flying and they scurry to pick things up and out-polite each other. While Catherine tut tuts over Mary Margaret's sad lady supplies, Mary Margaret is in complete horror over the pregnancy test that Catherine is buying. She mumbles good luck and Catherine smiles. Of course Regina is standing right there and can't help but butt in and remind Mary Margaret to be discreet and not blab all over town that the man she loves knocked up his wife. Mary Margaret nods dutifully instead of yelling DUH in Regina's smug face. She should probably go eat some chocolate now to dull the pain. Maybe we should all join her.
In a castle in the alterna-reality, Prince James is staring out a window, probably to avoid looking in the mirror and seeing himself in those tights which are not really doing him any favors. His dad comes in and reminds him that the feast he is watching so intently was thrown in his honor and maybe he should go downstairs and enjoy the dern thing? James can't even pretend to be excited about the prospect, so his dad unveils a pretty golden crown to cheer him up. Uh oh, James is not interested. While we see a lovely gold crown, he sees the means to feed his kingdom wasted on something you wear on your head. I'm pretty sure the royal family felt the same way about the Philip Treacy fascinators that Princess Beatrice wore to the Royal Wedding right?
Anyway, his dad points out that it was a gift from King Midas so he could at least pretend to be pleased by the gift. James smiles wanly and then his dad reveals that he totally knows that James isn't into his pre-arranged marriage. He points out that James' heart can't belong to Abigail if it belongs to another woman. Who is she? James swears that it was just some chick he met on his travels and he hasn't seen her since. He promises that he will wed Abigail and she shall have his heart, but Daddy-O isn't buying it. He gets his mad face on and reminds James that he was chosen to be his son! Plucked from poverty! And this is the gratitude he gets for a life full of turkey legs and tights? He orders James to do whatever it takes to get that woman out of his head because nothing is going to stop this wedding. I mean, shit, it's King Midas' daughter. Just marry her already! As Mad Dad leaves, James springs into action writing no, not a thank you note to King Midas for the lovely and thoughtful gift, but a note to his beloved Snow and sending it out on the wings of a dove.
Speaking of doves, Mary Margaret has headed out on a nice little head clearing walk in the woods which is interrupted by the sound of a dove cooing. The bird is tangled up in a net, from which she apparently can't untangle herself. She has no choice (NO CHOICE!) but to go to the animal shelter where David works so they can use the jaws of life and get the bird out of the net.
The vet gives Mary Margaret the bad news: There are no broken bones, just mild dehydration, but if this rare migratory dove doesn't make it back to its flock, it will die alone and miserably. Mary Margaret and David make awkward eye contact over that remark before Mary Margaret grabs the bird, determined to return it to its flock or die trying. Alone, but still. David offers to help her, but she turns him down flat. Now that his wife has purchased a pregnancy test everything is different! Mary Margaret heads out into the eye of the storm to get that bird back to its family.
Sheriff Emma is getting ready for the Big Storm in whatever way the police have to prepare for weather when Regina comes to pester her. Emma is in no mood for whatever Regina is dishing out and laughs that Regina probably wants to hold her responsible for the storm. Regina does not think that's funny, especially when she has something serious to discuss. There was a strange man talking to Henry this morning and what is the sheriff going to do about it? Emma laughs that contrary to Regina's opinion, there actually is no law against visiting Storybrooke. Regina doesn't care. He was talking to Henry! He must pay! Emma agrees to look into it, even though I'm pretty sure Henry was actually the one talking to the guy.
Mary Margaret is driving through the storm and while her two hands are on the wheel, she is taking her eyes off the road to cast glum looks at the poor sad caged bird riding shot gun. Safety first, Mary Margaret! No one cares like you do, or would save the bird if your car goes off the road. It's up to you! That caged forever alone bird is clearly your spirit animal.
Cut to Snow White sitting in a field contemplating drinking a hair and whether or not that revolting process is worth it to rid her mind of thoughts of Prince James. Luckily she doesn't have to make her choice right then because James' dove finds her. She pulls the note from the bird's leg and reads it. Prince James tells her that he's about to get married, but if she wants to hook up before then he'd be totally in to it. She just needs to walk to the castle, sneak in and come find him. He's a real prince. [Insert eye roll.]
Snow who apparently had a brain tumor for breakfast thinks this idea sounds awesome and she starts walking. I'm sending in a dove with a copy of He's Just Not That Into You attached to its leg. I mean, come on woman, you spear hunt! Don't fall for this hey baby malarkey.
IRL, Mary Margaret drives deep into the woods. The road is closed, but she grabs the bird's cage and continues on foot. Snow grabs a basket of flowers and a cloak to sneak into the castle. She succeeds, but before she can hook up meet up with James she is grabbed by the royal guards and thrown in the hay-lined clink. She tries to find a way out of the cell, but there appears to be no way out of, you know, a jail cell. Now if only the jailer had left his keys on a hook and she could hook her belt together with Bobby's, Peter's and Greg's belt and Marcia's, Jan's and Cindy's shoelaces and grab the keys!
Instead, all she has to contend with is Grumpy. The dwarf, not the life choice. Grumpy tells her that he's been stuck in there foreves and there is no way out. Snow tells Grumpy that she has True Love on her side and she has to get out and Grumpy snorts. He was in love once, and now look at him. Just when Snow is about to get in a serious funk, Grumpy's brother comes to spring him. What impeccable timing you have! Stealthy Dwarf unlocks Grumpy, but leaves Snow White there. Well, he was going to, but when Snow called after Grumpy wishing him good luck in finding love again, Grumpy (who really doesn't live up to his name) unlocks her door.
Back in the real world, Mary Margaret isn't having nearly Snow's luck. As she tries to find the bird's flock, she somehow without really moving slips and falls off a cliff. Okay, Show, that's enough of that. She's clinging to a tree root over a precipice in a storm and her handgrip is slipping when ... David saves her. Oh jeeze. This show is better than this, right?
Mary Margaret hugs him and he says, "Didn't think I'd let you come out here alone, did you?" She doesn't even thank him but instead starts running up the path back to The Bird, which clearly deserves capitalization because it has become emblematic of Mary Margaret's hopes and dreams and ovaries. She runs to the bird with David running after her asking what the heck she is doing. As it starts pouring rain, Mary Margaret runs for the bird and David grabs her and insists that they have to leave. Ugh! She's a grown up! She can make her own weird choices to save birds in storms if she wants to. And where does your wife think you are, anyway?
Back in the fairytale world, Snow White, Grumpy and Stealthy are running through the weird Green Screen tunnels when they hit an impasse. Not like a wall, but as in a disagreement about which way to go. Snow, who has a lot of experience hiding from Royals, tells them to go one way, but Stealthy is all, "My names 'Stealthy' bitch! I know what I'm doing." But Snow doesn't trust him and makes like Fleetwood Mac and goes her own way.
As Stealthy and Grumpy sneak through the courtyard, the King and his guards surround them and ...well, there's a reason you don't hear about Stealthy in the stories. He gets shot through with a bow. Grumpy's about to get it, too, as the King demands to know where the girl is and he pretends not to know who he's talking about. I guess it's hos before bros when your bro got killed.
Snow shows up just as the soldiers are aiming at Grumpy's head. She tells the King to ditch the zero and get with the hero, so the King sends Grumpy home and the King and Snow go for a little chat.
Mary Margaret and David are busily overreacting to what looks like a rain storm and decide that their only option is to break into a cabin. Um, guys, it's rain. Get in your car and drive off? What's the big deal? Full disclosure: I'm from Oregon. We overreact to snow, but rain? Come on. Unless you're wearing silk who gives a hoot?
The kids are keeping dry in the Three Bears' cabin and it takes all of twelve seconds for Mary Margaret to confess that she still has feelings for David. And she is still mad at him for choosing Catherine over her. That whole married-to-another-woman-thing is also kind of a bummer. That's why she didn't want him to come to the woods with her. She admits to stalking him, too, but he just thinks that's adorable. Sure, it's all adorable until she boils your bunny. David confesses that he's been going to Granny's at 7:15 just to see her too! He still has feelings for her and it doesn't look like his vows are going to stand in his way and they are about to kiss when suddenly Mary Margaret remembers: The Pregnancy Test. She pulls back and asks David about his questionable morals. He could have a baby on the way right now! How can he be kissing on her when something is potentially gestating in his wife? David stops. He doesn't like getting called out on his questionable morals. Also, he had no idea that Catherine might be pregnant.
The storm is raging and there is rain pouring down, because you know storms! Yawn. Sheriff Emma heads to Granny's because there is literally no place else to go in that town. I mean you can't go home when you're on the job, but you can go loiter around a coffee shop for hours. So Emma goes to Granny's and happens upon the scraggly stranger, because as mentioned, there is nowhere else to go in that town. Some cop! She should have started her search there. She tells him that they need to talk because he is suspicious what with being new in town and not shaving on the regular and all. He stares at her and then she threatens to write him up for talking to Henry and caring a weird box around. He points out that Henry was actually the one talking to him. As for the box, well, he has a long-ass pick up line he would like to try out on her. He is not going to tell her what is in that box for a long, long time. He is going to make her wait a long time and the mystery will only be enflamed! Or she can let him buy her a drink sometime and he'll tell her what's in the box right now. Emma's like whatever, buy me a drink. The man pulls the box over, opens it slowly revealing a typewriter. Oh jeeze. He's a writer! Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your whole life? Emma has no words, but jots down in her notebook: "Suspect is crazy and uses a typewriter instead of computer. Keep close eye on him." Then he leaves without buying her a drink.
Back in the cabin, Mary Margaret realizes that David had no idea about the activity in Catherine's womb. He backs away from her, because now that his wife might be pregnant, it's creepy to kiss someone else. They run out of the cabin to get some fresh and a little distance. Mary Margaret admits it is too hard to be near him. Besides, the rain has stopped and she has a flock to find. If her spirit animal isn't forever alone maybe she won't be either. She heads outside, hears the flock of doves (which she is absolutely 100 percent sure are not pigeons, starlings or sparrows) and releases the dove to the wild. Be free, young symbol!
While the dove is free, Snow White is not so lucky. Prince James' dick of a dad has her held prisoner (by the face!) and is giving her a stern talking to. She swears she can't help her feelings, but the King insists that she do just that. She is going to march down the hallway and tell Prince James that she doesn't love him or else. Snow is like, or else what? Or you'll kill me? I love him, I don't care! Which, ladies, is a terrible attitude. The King laughs that he won't kill her but he will kill James. It's not his kid, he doesn't care. Snow is horrified, but it's also a no-brainer for a girl in love. She obediently trots down the hallway to bid James adieu. Also, so long farewell auf wiedersehn and goodbye.
She finds him packing for his new life with Abigail, and she softly says his name. She got his letter. He wraps her in a huge hug and she tries to hold back her tears and do what she must do. She won't kiss him, she can't be with him. James swears they can be together. They can run! They can live on love! They found love in a hopeless place! They can sing Rihanna songs to each other in perpetuity! With tears in her eyes, Snow bids her fair prince farewell. She tells him to find love somewhere else because she is Audi 5000. He's never heard of Audis, but he gets her drift. She turns to go and walks out head held high, tears streaming down her face.
Back in the real world, David is looking almost as sad as his Prince James doppelganger. Um, you just found out that your wife might be pregnant. Get happy you schmuck! I know we're supposed to like him and understand that he and Mary Margaret are destined to be together and all, but COME ON. He's kissing some girl while his wife is buying pregnancy tests! I have no sympathy for his plight.
David is undressing in his bedroom when he passive aggressively asks his wife if she has something she wants to tell him. She hems and haws and then says, yeah, she wants to tell him that she wants things to be better between them. She thought she was pregnant, but when the test came back negative she was relieved, because their marriage sucks and it would have been a disaster. She asks him to go get therapy with her, "Will you do that with me? Will you give it our best shot?" David doesn't look like he relishes the notion of going to therapy, because UGH, but may have finally decided to do the stand up thing and try and be a good husband. Then he tells her, "I know we're supposed to be in love, but well... I want to make this work." She nods as if that namby pamby wishy washiness I-don't-love-you-but-I-want-to nonsense was supposed to make her feel better. Then she points out that it is 7:10 AM. and if they don't get a move on they will never make it to Granny's in time to get coffee at 7:15. He tells her to forget it. He wants to eat breakfast together and really give this marriage a shot. Sadly it wouldn't be much of a television show if this resolution stuck. Sorry Catherine! It's never going to work.
Speaking of things not working out, Snow White is heartbroken as she leaves the castle. On the road out of town, she finds that Grumpy and his now-six brothers have waited for her. They want to take her home and protect her. Snow cries that it's too late. Luckily she has her potion from Rumpy. Grumpy looks at it and says, no sister, there's a hair in that. Snow cries some more and Grumpy makes her an "It Gets Better" video about how pain makes him who he is (grumpy!) and that the pain is a memory and he cherishes those memories. Snow resignedly puts away Rumpy's magical hair elixir.
Back in Storybrooke, Mary Margaret is mooning about her house, totally ruining Emma's appetite while she's just trying to eat her breakfast. Emma looks up and sees that it is 7:15 and Mary Margaret is still sitting there. She smiles sadly at her brave roommate/mother. You would actually think that Emma would want her mommy and daddy to get together, but you can never tell with these kids from a broken home.
Prince James rides through the fields shouting for Snow White. Red Riding Hood comes out of the woods where she loiters indefinitely on the off chance a prince needs a message delivered. She tells him that Snow never came back after her trip to the castle. Prince James loudly declares, "Then I will find her! I will always find her." And Red smiles and pats him on the hand because she knows a thing or two.
At the dwarves' home Grumpy goes to wake up Snow with some good news: The Royal Wedding is off! It's super-convenient and highly unrealistic but Prince Charming isn't getting married! Snow White wakes up and stares at Grumpy who reiterates his news: James is still on the market! Snow White stares at him and asks, "Who?" Uh oh what do you think Rumpelstiltskin will want to reverse the spell? A toenail?
In Storybrooke, Mary Margaret runs to Granny's for a cup of coffee. It's not 7:15 so she figures she's safe. The problem with destiny, though, is that it gets in the way of your coffee drinking. As soon as she orders a cup, David opens the door and sees her. He has no choice but to turn and run. I mean, right? That's Prince Valiant for you. Mary Margaret ditches her coffee and runs after him. She finds him outside and is like, what? He tells her that he tried to avoid her, and she admits that she tried to avoid him, but since they live in a one coffee shop town they are kind of in trouble. David blurts, "She's not pregnant." Those three magical words are enough to break down their resolve and they start kissing each other in broad daylight. In front of Regina. Well, that's one way to get out of going to marriage counseling.
Don't worry, Cindy is going to be back week!
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker looks just like Snow White or maybe Grumpy. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Don't worry, Cindy is going to be back week!
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker looks just like Snow White or maybe Grumpy. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.