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It’s the Winter Finale! Where anything can happen! A lot gets resolved, actually. And thank god, because this show has been stagnant as hell thus far. Ages ago, Alice and Cyrus established a rendezvous point in case things went sideways. Both of them spent the episode making their way there, and aided by the Knave, the White Rabbit and, oddly, the Red Queen, they found each other. They did one of those hug-n-spins that they do on The Bachelor hometown dates, so you know it’s real love.
Jafar had an Aladdin Sane guard steal Cyrus’s bottle from the Red Queen for him, but being the clever girl she is, the one she kept in the chess piece palace was a decoy. The real bottle was kept in the old wagon she used to live in with the Knave. She also kept the White Rabbit’s family prisoner there (his wife was voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, but more on that later), so we have final confirmation that that’s why he was acting like such an ass all season. After some quick thinking, the Knave figured out that that’s where she would keep them, and the White Rabbit was also reunited with his loved ones. Bunny love!
When Jafar realized the Red Queen had the real bottle while he had a fake, he conjured up a poorly CGI’d black cloud that bore a striking resemblance to the Smoke Monster. REUNIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE THIS WEEK! It’s a lighting storm with a targeting feature, and he ordered it to kill the Red Queen.
Unfortunately, it found Alice, Cyrus, the White Rabbit and the Knave at the rendezvous point and missed its first strike, hitting the Knave instead. Which is an even bigger problem because of Alice’s dumbass first wish about dying if the Knave of Hearts dies. Alice refused to make her third wish to save them because it would imprison Cyrus, but the Knave remembered that she promised him a wish if he helped her find Cyrus. The Knave wished to end Alice’s suffering, a horribly vague wish that saves Alice, frees Cyrus (his genie situation caused her suffering, you see) and made them swap places. So The Knave is a genie in a bottle now. Gotta ruh-hub him the right way.
See you in March!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Alice and Cyrus sit watching the stars by a roaring campfire, so you know this is a flashback to their LOVE. In Wonderland, falling stars fall gently, like pretty little white snowflakes, instead of fiery balls of death and destruction like they do in Armageddon. So this place has its perks after all, I guess. They kiss in their virginal, passionless way, which leads to Alice finding a spinning compass on him. She asks what it is. He quickly claims it's nothing. So, totally a huge something. Turns out his mother gave it to him back when he was human. Alice's mind is blown that he used to be human, and she's a little annoyed he kept that from her, in a perfectly girlfriend kind of way. Cyrus explains that the compass is magic – it used to always point in the direction of his mother, so he could feel connected to her no matter what. But a few years ago it just stopped pointing, so… RIP, he guesses. God, try being a mother in this story world. They all croak.
Suddenly, they are attacked by marauders – with swords! They want the genie and the wishes he brings, but they make the mistake of underestimating the pretty girl in a pink dress. Alice puts on her badass pants and single-handedly takes down two of them, hands Cyrus a sword, and they team up to take care of the remaining jerks. Yay, victory! Except one of them has sliced Alice in the gut, and she passes out in Cyrus's arms. Yee-ow!
Alice and the Knave peer behind a forest tree watching Jafar's guards search for Cyrus. The Knave wisely points out that if they're looking for him that means he hasn't been captured yet, as if these guys have cell phones or any other speedy means of communicating with each other. Alice knows where Cyrus would go – they apparently have a safe house of some kind – so they better get going.
Meanwhile, Cyrus is running through the forest when he gets caught by an ankle snare festooned in beautiful fall colors. This being Wonderland, that snare is also a radio that transmits the sounds of Cyrus struggling to an identical plant in the hedge maze outside the Red Queen's castle. An Aladdin Sane guard intercepts the sounds and runs off to tell the Queen, when he sees his brother across the maze. He follows him and discovers him handing Jafar a box and just openly discussing how he stole it from the Queen and is totally a double agent for Jafar. Least discreet hand-off ever. Other Aladdin Sane guard is horrified to learn of this betrayal.
So he takes it directly to the Queen. He literally heard it through the Grapevine (that's the radio snare plant, har har) that the genie was captured. Oh, and his brother has betrayed her and is working for Jafar. The Queen acts very upset and checks her alleged genie bottle hiding spot to find it missing. This all turns out to just be for the viewing audience, however. It is so weird when shows do that.
Alice and the Knave are travelling to the Outlands, the place where she and Cyrus had agreed to meet if things went sideways. The Knave seems to feel that this is too far away. You're telling me, man. It's taken eight episodes to get there! But, they have to make a stop first. They need help from that rat bastard the White Rabbit, because when they get Cyrus, they have to get out of Wonderland immediately, lest the Queen and Jafar terrorize them forever.
Flashback to the Knave carrying an unconscious, bleeding Alice through the woods. He takes her to the White Rabbit, who lives in a damn tree trunk, for help. His wife is a healer of some kind. She's also voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, who does not give one single fuck anymore. Who phones in their guest appearances more egregiously than she does? I swear to god. She treats Alice with magical herbs while two baby bunnies sleep in the room, but we don't even get to see them because this show is cruel. I wanna see cartoon baby bunnies!
The Red Queen pulls up to our dear ensnared Cyrus on a horse-drawn wagon all by herself. Such a doer, that one. Her magic cuts him down, and he accepts her invitation to take a ride back to his bottle. That was easy.
Jafar has taken what he thinks is the bottle back to his storage closet office, but when he places it on its pedestal to the other two, he notices something a little arts-n-crafts-y about it. It's been poorly painted and is clearly a fake. He smashes it in a rage. Does he ever do anything not in a rage, though? Take a yoga class or something, Jafar.
Alice and the Knave arrive at the White Rabbit's tree trunk, but it looks abandoned. The grass if overgrown and the carrots are moldy. But it's all a ruse! The Rabbit is inside, all sad and despondent because, yes, the Red Queen kidnapped his family and held them as collateral to blackmail the Rabbit into betraying Alice. He apologizes profusely, but Alice gives him the option to make it up to her by getting her and Cyrus out of Wonderland – if she and the Knave rescue his family. He agrees. Luckily, the Knave knows just where Anastasia would stash something important. Detour!
The Queen and Cyrus pull up to what looks like an overgrown wine barrel, which turns out to be her own storage closet office. Her old pink Anastasia dress is in there, and she touches it with about 10 tons of sentimentality before grabbing the real genie bottle and running out with it. Cyrus exudes dread.
Flashback to Cyrus waiting outside the Rabbit's house for Alice to pull through. The Rabbit comes out and starts giving Cyrus some bullshit about how he should break up with Alice because he can never give her a home and safety and all those other things she's always wanted. Whatever. The Rabbit is such a dick. Cyrus may be a problematic boyfriend, but it's not like he's O.J. Stay out of it.
Jafar storms into the chess piece castle – surprise! – in a rage to find it empty, save a few terrified footmen and a pretty red box labeled "Jafar" in the foyer. He opens it to find his mole's severed head tucked inside: "I think she's onto us!" Between this and American Horror Story, we had two decapitated talking heads in a box this week on television. And maybe even more! Lord knows what's been happening on Homeland since I stopped watching. What are the odds?
Jafar grumps into the Queen's vanity and starts searching her personal effects. He finds a strand of hair in her hairbrush, and examines it under the light, triumphant. So… he's going to do a DNA test in secret and save the results for the finale? That's what that usually means on TV. In any case, Jafar flies away with the hair on his magic carpet as he bombs the chess piece castle with his magic and the walls (and this show's most heavy-handed metaphor) come tumbling down.
The Queen and Cyrus ride by just then, so the Queen sees her castle destroyed. She makes some more awful chess metaphors that I'd rather not mention, and threatens that if Cyrus doesn't tell her where Alice is going, Jafar will find her first. Cyrus looks conflicted. He's not much of a talker, is he?
Flashback to Cyrus meeting the Caterpillar after hours. Four cartoon rabbits, an explosion, and a Caterpillar scene? They really busted out the CGI budget for the Winter Finale Event, didn't they? Cyrus wants the Caterpillar to help him "disappear" for good, offering the magical pointing compass as payment. The Caterpillar's into it. We're meant to believe this is the Wonderland equivalent of going out for a pack of smokes and never coming back, I guess, but I don't think any of us bought that for a second.
Alice, the Knave and the White Rabbit make their way to the Queen's storage barrel, which is where the Knave and Anastasia used to live. My god. Like, I know she was a bitch about it, but that is how Wonderland does trailer parks. What a dump. The Knave goes in and mirrors the Queen's weepy nostalgia about her pink peasant dress, but no time for that! He hears a ruckus and finds the White Rabbit's family underneath a blanket. They are reunited! The cartoon baby bunnies aren't as cute as they should be, by the way, but maybe that's because I can't see their little cotton ball tails. SHOW ME THOSE LITTLE TAILS, ABC!
The Red Queen and Cyrus ride along to the Outlands, discussing life and love and the nature of secrets. He tries to guess what her wish will be, and she tells him to shut up. Yes, Cyrus. Please continue to convey 90% of your emotions through your eyebrows only.
Jafar's storage closet office. He makes a magic potion with the Red Queen's hair (I'm still not ruling out a DNA caper at this point), and puts it under a cake plate (cute!), where it begins to form a giant black Smoke Monster, complete with electricity popping in bright blue bursts inside. He releases it out the window and orders it to find the Red Queen – and kill her.
Flashback to Cyrus and Alice out walking alone at night, like, maybe the White Rabbit, while a dick, has a point. Cyrus starts giving her the "it's not you, it's me speech", but it's all a ruse. What he's really getting at is that the Caterpillar has given him the power to conjure an invisible studio apartment behind a rock in the Outlands. When they enter, they are cloaked from the outside world. And there's even a soaking tub! Someone's been watching their House Hunters. So now Alice has all she's ever wanted -- a real home, and a family with Cyrus. Daddy issues, man. They cray.
The trio makes it to the Outlands, but Cyrus isn't there yet. Alice enters the invisible apartment and searches all 200 square feet of it in a panic, but no Cyrus yet. The Rabbit acts all shady for some reason, but it's a red herring, which this show has no idea how to do properly. The Knave starts bouncing around the apartment, all "ooh! A bathtub!" but Alice isn't amused. The Knave suggests they leave without Cyrus and Alice loses her mind. Luckily, Cyrus and the Red Queen have just pulled up!
Alice runs to Cyrus and he picks her up and spins her around like they do on The Bachelor hometown dates, because ABC likes to spread its juvenile sense of romance across their entire brand. The Queen rains on their love parade by existing, but Cyrus assures them all she's there to help them. Alice's face has "NOPE" written all over it.
The Red Queen points out that they don't really have time not to trust her, as Jafar has sent a rain cloud of doom their way and it's looming overhead. She orders the Rabbit to dig so they can all leave together, but Alice and the Knave resist, considering her entire past of lying and cheating and betrayal. The Queen tells the Knave that the only reason she aligned with Jafar was so she could change the Laws of Magic, change the past, and get him back. She's crying and desperate and her duck lips are flapping and it's kind of great. This actress was made for melodrama, I will give her that. Unfortunately, the Knave still doesn't have his heart, so he's unmoved.
Alice decides she's heard enough and straight up tries to stab her like a lunatic. The Queen's magic stops her, as Cyrus tells Alice he believes the Queen – his gut told him she had a secret wish and this must be it. Because sure, she couldn't just be hiding an entirely different secret wish to kill them all via battery acid. Alice sides with Cyrus and orders the rabbit to take them "anywhere but here."
But, it's too late. The storm clouds are above them now, and they make their first lightning strike on the Queen. She deflects the strike with her magic and it bounces off of her and hits the Knave. He goes down, and so does Alice, due to her incredibly stupid first wish about dying if the Knave does. The Queen cradles the Knave as Cyrus cradles Alice, a real couples date here in the Outlands.
Cyrus begs Alice to make her final wish to save herself, but she won't be responsible for driving him back into the bottle. She passes out, and the Knave yells that Alice promised him a wish if he helped her find Cyrus. Cyrus says that's good enough for him, and grants the Knave his wish: "I wish to end Alice's suffering." Well. THAT'S AWFULLY VAGUE.
Alice wakes up crying, so I guess not all her suffering is gone. The good news for Alice is that Cyrus has not been driven back into his bottle, and hey, look, his genie bracelets are gone. Cyrus's enslavement was part of Alice's suffering, so, he's a genie no more. Hurray! The bad news for everyone is that the Knave, this show's most entertaining character, is missing. The Queen says he just disappeared after he made his wish. She is losing her shit. I love her like this!
And where is the Knave? He's in the bottle. Yes, his wish has caused him to trade places with Cyrus and he is now trapped in forever geniedom, which I guess could be fun. We'll find out in March! See you then!
Want to tweet about this poor, god-forsaken show with me? I am available at all times and spaces at @garnisheater. I am the White Rabbit of social media and so can you!