We're aurally assaulted by the plucky guitars from the first instant. Judy and Lily are having lunch at the radio station. Lily asks how Sam is. She then asks whether Judy is pregnant yet. Judy tells her to "shut up," though nowhere near as emphatically as I do. Judy boasts that the doctor told her she has "perfect eggs," and that she's "very fertile." "And you're not rushing to use them?" Lily asks. Well, she is settling for Sam, isn't she, in the hope of beating her best-before date? Judy tells Lily that she's "so mean" and reminds her that Judy and Sam just got back together.
For the He Said installment, we cut over to some Chinese restaurant, where Rick and Sam are scarfing down food using chopsticks. "Judy and Sam," Rick says. "Yes," Sam agrees, cannibalizing a hunk of pork. "Sam and Judy," Rick says. Don't hurt yourself, Rick, it's never going to sound right, no matter how you say it. Sam says that he's taking Judy to his cabin this weekend. "What?" Rick asks. Sam: "I'm taking her to the cabin this weekend." Rick: "What?" Sam (accompanied by some form of sign language): "I'm taking her to the cabin this weekend." Rick: "What?" Sam heartily tells Rick to shut up, and they proceed to clash chopsticks over the moo-shu. The plucky guitars pluck on. With any luck, they'll break a string or two.
Back to She Said. Judy squeals that she hopes they get snow at the cabin. Lily simpers that she wishes she and Rick had a cabin, and says she wants to go. "Well, you're not invited," Judy says, loving the way the princess crown feels on her head for once. Lily says that she's jealous. Judy can barely contain her glee, beaming that Lily's never been jealous of her. Lily smiles indulgently and silently agrees. "Have you seen the kid?" she asks. Judy smiles and answers, "As a matter of fact, Sam's bringing him to dinner tonight." Lily gulps down her soda and says, "Wow. Very accelerated." Judy just gushes that she wants him to like her: "He's the cutest kid." Nice sell, Jude, but we all saw the Christmas episode, remember? Lily asks why Jamie wouldn't like her. "Uh, because I'm not his mother?" Judy suggests. Lily sighs and slaps on her headphones. "Well..." she says simply.
"Of course, I haven't told Jamie yet that I'm going away with [Judy]," Sam gurgles around a sticky, saucy mouthful. Rick flips to page 290 of Avoidance for Dummies, confirms his instincts, and asks whether Sam has to. Sam points out that he'd like the kid to know that Sam's with Judy now. "Oh, you mean because kids might have problems accepting new situations after divorce? I wouldn't know anything about that," Rick kids. Sam muses aloud, wondering what reason Jamie could possibly find not to like Judy. Rick's response is to drop a chunk of meat in his lap.
Cut to Booklovers, where Jake is showing some new girl around the coffee bar and giving her advice. She asks where they keep those "cup-holder-y things," and makes a circle of her hands. "Sleeves," Jake says slowly. He points to the bottom shelf. The very bright girl bends over in front of him, offering a lovely view of her backside. Jakey likey. Tiffany wanders in with Maddie the baby in her arms, and catches Jake ogling the girl. Rattled, Jake asks what they're doing there. Tiffany reminds him that he agreed to watch the baby while she goes to yoga. Maddie draws the attention of the new girl, who comes over to gush. Tiffany introduces herself and asks just who in the hell she is. "Oh, this is Nina," Jake says quickly. "She's the new...new..." "Barista," Nina offers helpfully. She says it more like "brrreasta," though, which seems fitting since both of hers are unabashedly on display. Tiffany dashes, and Nina asks whether Maddie is Jake's baby. He snuggles the baby's head and confirms that she is. He sees an in and asks if Nina would like to smell Maddie's head. "Why would I do that?" Nina asks, eyeing him suspiciously. Jake doesn't have an answer for her. He just knows it's something chicks like to do. He thinks fast and says that babies' heads smell good. She agrees uncertainly to whiff and draws back immediately, offended. She suggests the baby might need changing. Jake sniffs the baby's bum and agrees, grabbing the diaper bag. Eli, who's been admiring the new barista and her brrreastas, comes rushing over, and offers to help show her around. How very conscientious of him. Despite Eli's strung-out eyes and pasty skin, and the hedgehog clinging to the top of his head, Jake agrees it's a good idea to leave him alone with the girl. "So, what do you want me to show you?" Eli drawls, trying to decide between his favorite smoking stall and the birthmark on his inner left thigh. Brrreasta manages to keep a straight face and says, "I don't know. You tell me." Eli decides to show her how to clean the filters, which could be just about the filthiest euphemism I've heard in a long time. She beams and declares the idea "groovy."
Jake glances up from Maddie's diaper and witnesses something just as stomach-churning: Nina affectionately fiddling with that stupid lock Eli wears around his neck. Jake sees himself in Eli and blanches. The resemblance is uncanny, really. Similar hair, similar shirts, similar smarm. Jake's days as the reigning Snake are numbered, and he knows it.
Cut to Judy throwing open her door and beaming. "Hey guys! Come on in! How ya doing?" she coos. Dial it down a little, Judy. Jamie looks decidedly unimpressed as he slips past the crazy lady. He's wearing one of those flaming toques, which seems appropriate given that he is devil spawn. Speaking of which, I'm going to call him Jamian from now on. Judy pecks Sam hello and closes the door, raving that she "went a little overboard." She explains that she has tons of food, but "it's all finger food." Jamian asks what that is, and Sam explains it's like appetizers. Judy enthusiastically says it's like "little quiches and tiny wieners." Sam tries to raise a little excitement in Jamian, prodding, "You like those little hot dogs, don't you?" Judy wrings her hands and turns up the Desperation Beam to High. The pulsing "Like me! Like me! Like me!" is nearly blinding. Doesn't she know that kids can smell fear? They're like dogs. She gushes that tiny wieners are Eloise's favorite. Jamian has no idea who she's talking about. She stammers, "Eloise at the Plaza -- the book?" Jamian refuses to throw her a bone. Sam jumps in, saying that it's a chick book, and not something his son would like, stupid. Judy offers them some drinks and tells them to make themselves at home. "This place is pretty weird," Jamian says, casting his creepy little eyes all over Judy's sanctuary. Sam draws his attention to a candle holder on Judy's coffee table, mocking it for the demon seed's pleasure. Yeah, there's a good example to set for your kid. Judy wanders over and asks what's so funny. They smile and insist it's nothing. Sam points out the hammock in the corner, which sends the kid tearing at it with an enthusiastic "Cool!" He flings himself onto it and asks if they can eat there. Startled, Judy gestures toward the kitchen and stammers, "Oh! I was...uh...yeah...sure." She smiles weakly. Sam just stands there guzzling his drink so he doesn't actually have to say no to the insufferable tyke. Judy makes herself smile at Jamian as if he's adorable. I'm still not buying it.
Time passes in the hammock. Jamian leans out and grabs another pizza bagel. Judy chides him to save room for dessert. Sam asks what is for dessert. "Build-your-own sundaes," Judy beams. Build-your-own gut-rot is more like it. Jesus, is she going to put on her floppy shoes and twist up some balloon animals when dinner's finished? ["We'll see how you really feel about build-your-own sundaes when I offer you one at the Oscar party, young lady." -- Wing Chun] Jamian asks whether Judy has any butterscotch. "Hmm, let me see," Judy sing-songs. She almost taps his button nose, but refrains, and says, "Yes I do!" Jamian informs her that she's weird. Not as weird as Sam, Judy insists. "Well, that's probably true," Jamian concedes. Sam refuses to slump there and take any more abuse. He wrestles his way out of the hammock and announces that he's going to eat all the ice cream. "He'll do it, too," Jamian warns Judy. She says they'd better stop him, then. Jamie helps Judy out of the hammock, and the two of them circle Sam in the kitchen, ganging up and tickling his belly. Which doesn't seem like the wisest move after that "dinner," but who am I to say? He seems to enjoy it.
"Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod!" Brrreasta cries, trying vainly to stop the cappuccino machine's hissing. Jake swoops in to rescue her and get the machine under control. "Are you sure you worked at a Starbucks?" he asks. She assures him that she did, but claims that their machine was much easier. She pouts. Jake asks to see her hand to check for burns, and announces that it is a little red. He asks if it hurts. She confesses that maybe it does, a little. She bats her big eyes at him. He tells her to go run the hand under cold water; he'll cover for her. He watches her walk away, sucking on his tongue and thinking naughty thoughts. Eli wanders over to ask if everything is okay. He asks how Brrreasta is doing. Jake says she seems to be okay. "That's good," Eli says, matter-of-factly. He stares off in the direction she disappeared, saying, "She seems pretty interesting." Jake doesn't respond. "Don't you think?" Eli nudges. Jake spins around, snapping that she does, and asks Eli to take over the counter. Jake rolls his eyes, looking for strength, as he walks away.
The sound of a doorbell takes us over to Sam's place, where he's tossing clothes into a suitcase. He opens the door and apologetically tells Judy that he's not done packing. "Well, hurry up, dammit," she orders him good-naturedly. He says he has to kiss her first. "So, I think last night went good [sic], huh?" she asks when they pull apart. Sam concurs. Judy murmurs that she thinks she and Jamian really hit it off. Sam distractedly agrees, stuffing more crap into his suitcase. Judy asks whether his clothes are dirty. He sniffs a garment, saying, "Not really." He then reasons that she doesn't want him in clothes, anyway. Oh, brother. She says he might be right, and they suck a little more face. Give me strength. "Sam, let's go," Judy manages to say. Cue the telephone and the plucky guitars.
"Don't answer that," Soliloquy Judy advises, looking tense.
"Oh, hi Janine," Sam says into the receiver.
Soliloquy Judy grits her teeth.
Sam mmms and assents in a clenched voice, finally saying, "Yeah, well I don't know if tonight --"
"Tonight, what? We had plans," Soliloquy Judy grates.
"Yeah, well I had plans," Sam says tightly.
Soliloquy Judy coaches herself to remain calm, reminding herself that she's "fertile" and "everything is fine." She's seriously creeping me out.
Sam kvetches into the phone a little longer and then stiffly relents, "That's fine. That's fine." He clicks off the phone as if he'd rather be throttling it, and grunts with frustration. He relays that Janine has to leave Jamian with him for the night because Janine's "crazy sister is having a meltdown" and Jamie doesn't want to go there, and Janine really doesn't want him there, either.
"Whatever," Soliloquy Judy says glumly, chin on her hand.
"That's okay," Judy coos, oozing sympathy and understanding. She smiles sweetly at Sam, looking a little like the saints on the sides of those religious candles they sell at the dollar store. Sam paces cautiously, asking if she isn't disappointed. "No," St. Jude answers demurely. He asks whether she's lying. "Yeah," she admits with a laugh. "See, if only we hadn't taken the call," Sam laments.
"Uh. Yee-ah," Soliloquy Judy snarks, shooting us a No Shit, Holmes look.
Sam promises Judy that they'll go to the cabin the day instead. Judy says that she should leave before Janine and Jamian get to Sam's place. Sam breaks it to her that they're already there -- Janine called from the car. That's a little presumptuous of Janine, no? Judy blanches. The plucky guitars play on. "You're kidding," she begs. The doorbell rings.
Cut to Judy simmering in the bathroom, eavesdropping as Janine runs down the stuff Sam needs to know. She says Jamian forgot his toothbrush, and Sam says he has one there already. Janine informs Sam that Jamian doesn't like it. Sam says they'll get him a new one, then. Of course they will. "Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow evening," Janine says. Sam's like, "Whoa ho ho! You said you'd be back in the morning. I mean, I've got cabins to visit and chicks to screw, here." Janine insists she didn't say that. Sam jabs her, "Okay, well, call before you get here, because I might be...out." Janine rolls her eyes in her pointy little face, agrees, and takes her leave. She overhears Jamian's excited reaction to the bed Sam built him, and casts a hurt look over her shoulder as she goes out the door.
Judy decides that the coast is clear, and comes out of the bathroom with a bright "Hey, guys!" Sam pretends she just got there. Jamian looks disappointed and reluctantly says hi. Janine comes barging through the door without knocking, rummaging through her purse for the phone number at her sister's. Judy, stricken, just stares. Janine lifts her head and freezes when she sees Judy. She shoots a wounded look in the general direction of her ex and their kid. Jamian looks sad, while Sam looks guilty and uncomfortable. Sam finally strides over to take the phone number out of Janine's hand. Jamian casts worried looks between Janine and Judy. Judy just stands there with her mouth hanging open. Janine stares at Judy, trying hard not to cry. Sam intones the introductions, and Judy forces herself to murmur, "Nice to meet you." Janine whispers, "Nice to meet you. Uh, I guess I should be going." She stumbles her way to the door, stammering that she'll call Sam, and covering her mouth to keep from sobbing. Do you care? Yeah, me neither. She should keep running all the way back to the Friends set and her other annoying ex-husband. Sam and Judy stare at one another across the tension. Jamian makes a point of throwing himself onto his bed and facing the wall. Judy wonders what the hell she's doing there. Me too, Judy. Me. too.
Yay! Commercial break. Time for a pot or two of coffee.
Jake strides into the coffee bar, stopping short and doing a double take. "Kenny?" he asks incredulously, confronting some doofus in a backwards baseball cap who's reading the paper at the counter. Kenny goombahs that the Sumatran coffee is really good. That's nice, Kenny, but what Jake wants to know is, where's Brrreasta? Kenny says she's on break. "Well, how about you?" Jake asks hopelessly. Kenny informs him that his break doesn't start for another fifteen minutes. Wah wah. Jake rolls his long-suffering eyes and heads for his office.
Jake starts rifling through a pile of papers on his desk, but is distracted by -- and this is how my closed captioning describes it -- "smooching." There's a muffled giggle just as Jake throws open the door to his closet. Eli and Brrreasta freeze, mid-dry-hump, and chuckle self-consciously. Jake stares, his disappointment palpable. He's stunned that Eli's the one Brrreasta chose to grope in the closet, and not Jake. Jake recovers quickly, though, and informs her matter-of-factly that she still has to fill out her W-4. Brrreasta slides down off his filing cabinet, saying she'll do it right now, and then hustles out of there. Jake just stares at Eli, watching his life flash before his eyes. Sheepishly, Eli smoothes his pants and mutters, "Guess my break is over." Uh-huh. Pluckety-pluck go those damn guitars.
Cut to two martial-arts videogame guys kicking the crap out of each other. Judy, watching the bloodshed from the couch, clutches her pearls and wheezes that she doesn't know if she likes this game; it's so violent. Jamian snaps with disgust, "It's a fighting game. What do you think it's gonna be?" Judy's mouth hangs open. Sam just goes on playing, staring vacantly at the screen, so Judy tries again, suggesting that they see a movie. Jamian snarks that he's seen everything. Judy lamely suggests that they see the Charlie Chaplin movie playing down the street -- she bets he hasn't seen that. Jamian can't believe what an idiot she is, and informs her that he doesn't like silent movies, since he has an attention span of 2.2 seconds and all. Jamian kicks Sam's ass at the game, and asks if Sam wants to play again. Sam's all over it, but Judy signals over Jamian's head that she'd like to talk to him. They disappear into the bathroom, and Sam thinks it's for a make-out session. Judy quickly puts the kibosh on that, asking whether he thinks it's good for Jamian to be playing so many violent games. As if it's any of her business. Brakes, Judy. You need to put them on. Sam insists, a little shortly, that he knows "when to pry [Jamian] away."
"Listen to her," Soliloquy Sam gripes in disbelief. "She's nagging me!"
"Listen to me! Am I nagging him? I'm nagging him!" Soliloquy Judy frets.
Back in the bathroom, Judy, embarrassed, smiles and kisses Sam. Sam thinks they're going to get it on, but Judy says she should be going. She thinks Sam should get Jamian into bed. Sam pleads with her to stay, saying he'll get Jamian into bed, and then they can be alone. They kiss. Jamian, wise to their game, pounds on the door, announcing that he has to go to the bathroom. Judy plasters on her saintly smile, and it's all I can do to keep my fist from going through my TV screen.
Jake's all alone at the counter again, when Tiffany calls his cell phone to tell him that Maddie has been sneezing, and that she's a little worried about it. Jake calmly suggests that it may be a little cold, and asks whether Tiffany has baby Tylenol. He asks if Maddie has a fever. Tiffany says no, and asks when Jake is coming home. Jake wanders into his office and tries to keep his voice patient as he reminds her that he's closing the store tonight. She asks why Kenny can't close. Jake watches through his office window as Kenny drops some girl's bun on the ground, groans audibly at his clumsiness, picks it up, and serves it to her. "Kenny's...Kenny's not ready for that," Jake says. Heh. He promises Tiffany that he'll be there soon. She says a dubious "okay," and they hang up. Eli comes into Jake's office, hovering and wringing his hands. He tells Jake that he's a little embarrassed about what happened earlier. Jake tells him not to worry about it. After all, he's got a dick; he knows what it's like. But he does warn Eli not to let it happen again: "Not here, anyway." Eli repeats that he really is sorry. Jake utters a dubious "uh huh," and is ready to drop it, but Eli's not finished: "Yeah. Not to blame it on her, or anything, but, uh, she just came on to me so intensely, you know? And, like, I couldn't think. I mean, she was just so sexy, and I was just so --" "Yeah, I get it!" Jake snaps, feeling the sudden need for a rocking chair. He suggests that they just forget about it. I shouldn't be surprised, given that it's Jake, but I can't believe Eli's going to get away with blaming it on the girl like that. What a little asshole. Jake watches the little upstart leave, and looks troubled.
Cut to Jamian brushing his sharp little teeth in Sam's bathroom. Sam comes in to check on him. "Um, is your friend going to be leaving soon?" Jamian asks. Sam reminds Jamian that Judy has a name. Jamian says he knows, and asks if she has to stay so long. Sam takes a seat on the toilet and says he thought Jamian liked Judy. Jamian says he was just faking it the other night, because he thought that's what Sam wanted.
"Didn't see that one coming. I did not," Soliloquy Sam tells us.
Sam wants to be sure he understands: Jamian really doesn't like Judy? "Not really," the kid says, emotionless. Sam asks why not. Jamian won't give him a reason, saying he just doesn't like her. He wipes his mouth on the towel and pads out. "Okay," Sam says softly. "Okay"? "Okay"? The kid says something totally mean, with no justification, about someone Sam allegedly loves, and all he can say is "okay"? What a wuss. Jamian trudges past Judy, who's drying the dishes. She calls out an eager "good night," and he barks one back at her. Sam finally emerges from the bathroom, which prompts Jamian to start whining that he doesn't want to go to bed, he wants to watch Letterman. (Nice plug, ABC.) Sam says Jamian's "had enough gamma rays for one day." Jamian whines that he's not tired, and that it's only eleven o'clock. I make a mental note to double up on the birth control from now on. Reluctantly, the kid slides under the covers, and Sam gently suggests that he try his "breathing thing." Jamian agrees, and they say good night.
Sam strolls over to the kitchen, where Judy's pouring two glasses of wine. She hands one to Sam, and flashes him her sugary, understanding smile. "I like him, Sam," she murmurs. She must have finished a bottle while Sam was tucking in the kid. Sam flatly says that he's glad. He gulps half his wine, and Judy asks what's wrong. Sam says he thinks Jamian may have some trouble falling asleep. Judy eagerly asks if Sam wants her to go. Sam tries to look reluctant, but readily agrees that she should scram. Judy slips on her jacket, asking if Sam knows what he and Jamian are doing the day. Judy's voice seems to have stuck in the octave she'd previously reserved for Jamian. She asks whether she can call Sam in the morning. He says of course, and they say goodbye. I'd yell for Judy to run, but it wouldn't do any good. It's like she's been brainwashed or something. Sam takes another belt of wine and feels sorry for himself.
The morning, there's trouble a-brewin' in the kitchen of Manning Manor. The kids wrestle and argue over the few remaining bites of cereal, as Rick tries to restore order. He heads to the bare cupboards, assuring the mob that there's more food to go around. Lily scoots past with a guilty "I'll go to the store." Because, clearly, everyone else is so weakened by hunger that they can't do a little grocery shopping their damn selves. Rick tries to calm the unruly mass by promising them french toast. Lily flatly informs him that there's no bread. She cops to it: "I'm bad." She tries to keep them at bay by saying that she's going to get bagels and then they'll have brunch. Grace whines that she can't wait that long, and then holds her arms out like a zombie, droning, "I need nourishment," in a really bad accent. The rest of them start doing the zombie thing, too, and it's one of the most embarrassing things I've ever witnessed on this show. I have no choice but to fast-forward through it. Anyway, the phone rings, and Lily grabs the cordless just before she reaches the laundry room and shuts the door on the rest of them. It's Judy calling. Lily says she thought Judy was supposed to be at the cabin. Judy bullshits that something came up, and tries to sound as though she's not bothered. She gives Lily the lowdown, and Lily helpfully replies, "Oh." She then invites Judy, Sam, and Jamian to brunch, since there's nothing in the world a little lox can't cure. Judy thanks her. "Bye," Lily replies. Rick comes into the laundry room with Lily and she asks if he has any money. He asks who was on the phone. Lily says she invited Judy and Sam and Jamian to brunch. "Oh," Rick says, sticking his nose in his wallet. Sensing that he's biting his tongue, she asks what he means. He says it can't be easy for the three of them, and that it must be a lot of pressure for Sam. "You think it's easy for Judy?" Lily demands. Rick says he doesn't; he just thinks it's a lot to ask. Lily defends Judy, saying that she's just "trying to forge a relationship with Sam and his son." Rick says he knows, but "these things take time." Lily says, "She's invested a lot in this man -- your friend." She suspects that Rick thinks Judy is pushing, but he quickly denies it. Rick wonders how this became about him. Lily wonders, too, and makes a mental note never to let that happen again. She says, "He said he wanted to build houses for her, did you know that?" Rick says he didn't, and proceeds to strip the statement of whatever romantic sentiments it may have contained: building a house requires plans and permits and bids from contractors. Lily tells him he's ridiculous and puts her hand out for some money, as if charging him for the diagnosis.
Cut to Jake emerging from Tiffany's bathroom in his t-shirt and tightie whities. Put some pants on, man! He rifles through the cupboards and complains that there isn't any coffee. Tiffany reminds him that she's off coffee at the moment, and adds that there's a pot of Lemon Zinger on the counter. Herbal tea? First thing in the morning? She's mad! Jake tries a cup as Tiffany invites him to come to the park with them. He looks at the brew, insulted, and begs off, saying that he has a lot of stuff to do at Booklovers. "Uh oh, Jake's back," Tiffany pseudo-teases. He asks what that's supposed to mean, and she immediately turns apologetic, saying that she's pushing and she shouldn't be. She gives him her patented "We just want you to dig us, man! Groovy!" speech, trying to convince him that she doesn't want more from him than he's willing to give, when she so obviously does. Jake, feeling the walls close in, insists that he really does have a lot of things he has to do. "I know. And you should do them," Tiffany says, focusing on the baby. "I really don't like this tea," Jake complains lamely. Fed up, Tiffany says, "You know what? Then don't drink it."
The doorbell rings at Manning Manor. Lily finds Judy, Sam, and Jamian standing there. Jamian makes the same rude face he makes at everyone: a mix of suspicion and the certainty that they are insane. Sam looks like he's ready to gnaw off his leg to get out of there, and Judy is entirely, blissfully oblivious to it. Rick comes into the foyer and manages to elicit a smile from the brat. Jessie comes in and says hi, which also seems to put Jamian at ease. Zoe immediately pops in his face, blurting, "Hey, do you know anything about Zoo Tycoon?" Jamian widens his already disturbingly large eyes (he's like one of those kids in the velvet paintings with puppies and kittens, isn't he?) and says he got it for Christmas. That's good enough for Zoe, who ushers him upstairs along with Jessie. Rick and Sam wander off to indulge in beer and banter, leaving Judy and Lily to talk about what a "cutie" Jamian is. Should be a short conversation.
At the table, Judy asks if Jamie wants some lox. He says he hates it, so she returns the forkful to the platter. She suggests some kugel instead. "It looks strange," he says, wrinkling his nose.
Soliloquy Judy cautions herself, "Don't push!" Unless it's that kid, in front of a train.
Judy ignores her own advice, urging Jamian to try a little bit and working overtime to convince him that it's good. She hovers the forkful over his plate, pleading with him that "it's good to try new things."
Soliloquy Judy wonders if she really just said that.
"I said no," Jamian brats. "'No, thank you,'" Sam corrects. Jamian flatly echoes him. Judy puts on her saintly smile and retreats to her own plate. "How 'bout a bialy?" Lily asks. Rick concurs that they're good. Jamian easily accepts, and Judy shoots Lily a dirty look for stepping on her turf. Jamian asks whose house they're in. "Rick's and mine," Lily answers. "So you're his new wife?" Jamian asks. Rick says that's right. Jamian casts his eyes over Lily and looks disappointed. Sam clenches and changes the subject, telling Eli that Jamian is thinking of taking guitar lessons, and asks if he'd be available. Grace smirks that, for money, Eli's always available. Judy turns to Jamian and gushes that she didn't know he was interested in the guitar. She raises her voice three octaves and asks if it's because he had fun playing with Eli over Christmas. Jamian looks at her like she's a moron and informs her that he liked it way before then. "Oh, but it was really cool, wasn't it?" Judy coos. Jamian refrains from rolling his eyes -- barely. Me? Not so much.
"Oh, my god. I'm turning into my Aunt Sophie," Soliloquy Judy frets. "thing you know, I'll grab his cheeks, offer him ribbon candy, and tell him he has a snazzy haircut." She looks suitably annoyed with herself.
Judy smiles faintly at Jamian, feeling the shame, and lowers her eyes. Lily senses it, and draws attention toward Zoe, telling her not to put so much on her plate if she's not going to eat it. Zoe blithely informs her it's not a problem -- she'll just put back whatever she can't finish. Which sends Grace into a righteous tizzy, reaching across Jessie's plate to get at her little sister's, and telling her take a little bit at a time. Zoe growls at Grace to stop telling her what to do. Grace says she isn't. Jessie pipes up that she is. Grace snarks that she should mind her own business. Jessie points out that it is her business, if Grace insists on screaming in her ear. Grace starts in again, but Lily snaps, "Okay! Enough!" She stands up and sweetly asks if anyone would like another bagel. Everyone pipes up, and Lily turns to Judy, who's lost in thought.
"What am I doing?" Soliloquy Judy asks herself. Yeah, I was wondering that, too, but for different reasons. She continues wallowing: "I mean, who am I kidding? I should just donate my eggs to science." Well, it would be of greater benefit to humanity than mixing them up with Sam Blue DNA.
Judy clues in to Lily waiting for a response, and plasters a smile on her face. "I'm okay," she lies. She catches Sam evaluating her, and forces the sickly smile to stay in place.
Cut to Jake at a sports bar, where he's clearly well known. He pats a guy at the bar on the shoulder and makes his way over to an empty stool in front of the pneumatic blonde bartender. Coyote Ugly has to be, like, her favorite movie ever. "Well, hey! Look what the cat dragged in!" she smiles. "Well, look at you," he growls back. She says she hasn't seen him in a while and asks where he's been. "Oh, let's see...I had a baby," he chuckles. Pneumatic nearly pops a chamber. She congratulates him and leans across the bar for a kiss. She then asks who the "lucky girl" is, without a trace of irony, and asks if they're married. "No, we're...just...parents. Together," Jake says. For lack of anything else to say, she says that it sounds "sophisticated." "Well, that's me -- sophisticated," Jake says, which causes the bartender to burst out laughing. She leans in conspiratorially and says that she's missed him. She asks if he remembers New Year's Eve. He pants that he does. "Good, because I don't!" she teases. They banter over the bar a little longer before she purrs that she's getting off in a little while and...well, she'd like to get off in a little while. Although she disguises it as a need for a ride. The schlub at the end of the bar whines that he needs some service, already. She tells him to hang on: "Can't you see I'm flirting over here?" Schlubby makes a pouty face and whines, "Flirt over here!" In your dreams, pal. Oh, and beer commercials.
Sam finds Judy alone in the kitchen, starting the coffee. He prowls up behind her and snakes his arms around her waist. They make some smoochy talk, and Judy turns to face him, smiling and asking what time they're going to leave that night. Sam figures about six o'clock: "We'll wait for Jamie to leave, and then we'll be off." They do a little spelunking in one another's throats. Lily announces her entrance with a theatrical throat-clearing. Rick trails right behind her. Judy lamely covers that she was just making the coffee. Sam says he's just getting the rugelach. Lily and Rick laugh as if the display is adorable. Eli's right behind them, as is Jamian, staggering under a tower of dirty dishes. "You got that, man?" Eli asks, making no effort to assist the kid. Jamian insists he's fine. Judy glances over from the coffee maker and says, "Oh, sweetie, that's too much. Here, let me help you." Jamian brats that he's got it. Judy reaches out to take some of the plates, and Jamian wrenches his arms away, scattering the dishes all over the floor. Everyone jumps at the shattering plates, and Sam exclaims, "Jamie!" Judy assures Jamian that it's all right; she'll clean it up. "You made me drop them!" the hellspawn screams, still clutching a plate. "You made me do it because you wouldn't shut up! You never shut up!" Jamian throws the last dish on the ground and runs out, yelling, "She never shuts up!" Judy looks as though she's been struck. Eli raises his eyebrow, realizing that this kid's making him look good. Sam ineffectually calls after the brat and then apologizes to Lily. She waves it away, assuring him that the house has seen plenty of accidents. "Accident," my ass. Sam squats to help Judy clean up. Softly, she tells him to go after Jamian. To introduce him to Mr. Spanking, I hope. Sam takes off, and Lily bends to help Judy pick up the pieces. Judy mutters that she's got it. Lily points under the counter and says she thinks a piece flew under it. Judy looks up and snaps that she's got it. Lily raises her hands in surrender and backs away. Judy reins in her temper and softly thanks Lily. Lily gets a little mileage out of it, though, soaking up the sympathetic look Rick shoots her.
Jake gives the bartender a ride home. She hovers in the passenger seat, waiting for him to make a move, but he just stares straight ahead, breathing hard. "So, thanks for the ride," she says. He asks what happened to her Impala. She explains that it rusted out. Fascinating. She opens her door and waits for him to follow suit. He doesn't. "So, are you coming up, or are you waiting for a formal invitation?" she asks. Jake barks a self-conscious laugh and hedges, "Well..." "'Well,' what?" she asks. He says he's not sure. "Well, then, what are you doing here?" she demands. She smiles at him, waiting on his answer, while he squirms in his seat. Finally, he says, "Look, I don't you to take this the wrong way, okay? Because I would love to come in with you. But -- oh, god! I can't believe this is coming out of my mouth! -- I...I'm not sure if I can right now. For...some reason." She smiles knowingly and prods, "Why not?" He says he doesn't know. She claims that she does. She tells him not to be a stranger, and then leans across the seat to kiss him. He groans his disappointment over this perplexing development of a conscience and watches her stroll into her building. Sighing, he wacks his head against the steering wheel a couple of times.
Sam, Judy, and Jamian enter Sam's studio. He ushers the kid to get his stuff together, reminding him that Janine will be there soon to pick him up. Judy plucks a baseball glove off the floor and asks Jamian whether it's his. He just glares at her. "Jamie," Sam prods. Reluctantly, Jamian snatches the glove without looking at Judy. "Maybe I should just stay here tonight," he suggests to Sam. Sam tells him that he can't, because Janine is on her way, and because he's going up to the cabin. Jamian asks whether he can come. Sam says no, because he's got school. Jamian asks, "Is she going?" Sam freezes. "Yeah," Judy finally says. The phone rings. Judy stares at it, knowing it can only be bad news.
"Of course," Soliloquy Judy groans.
"I won't be able to make it back until tomorrow," Janine says by way of hello. Her tone makes it clear she's waiting for resistance. Sam's happy to comply, saying, "You're kidding, right?" "Is that a problem?" she demands. Sam says it's unfair, that she could have called him. She snots that she is calling him, and asks if he thinks she's doing this on purpose. "Uh, frankly? Yeah," Sam says. "Okay, how about I call my brother and he can come pick Jamie up? If you can't take care of your son," Janine smirks in triumph. Sam knows he's beat and ducks his head.
Soliloquy Sam petulantly holds up his bound wrists for the camera. I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for him, but all I feel is ripped off that they couldn't find a dirty sock to stuff in his mouth, too.
Sam's voice seethes contempt as he tells Janine that it's all right. Listening, Judy knows that their trip is on hold yet again. Janine promises to pick up the brat around noon, and Sam says okay. He hangs up immediately. He can barely look at Judy as he says, "So, guess what, kid? Looks like you're staying the night." Jamian is beside himself. Judy just sits there looking numb. Behind her, Sam suggests that they go to their favorite spaghetti place for dinner, and Jamian enthusiastically agrees. Sam prods Judy by asking if she knows the place they're talking about. He tells the brat to wash his face and comb his hair because he "looks like Ted Koppel." And, lord knows, the last thing ABC needs is another Koppel. Jamian disappears into the bathroom, and Sam says, "You're going to love this place. It's right out of Lady and the Tramp." Hmm, a Disney movie. Did ABC execs do a last-minute rewrite of this script, or what? Judy sadly says that she's going to leave. Sam can't believe it. Judy says that he should just be with his son, and that she'll call him in the morning. Sam follows her, saying, "You're pissed off 'cause we missed our weekend together. But, you know what, kid? So am I." Judy spins and says it's not just the weekend. Sam asks what the problem is, then. She answers, "I guess I just feel like I don't really know what the rules are here." Sam says he doesn't know what that's supposed to mean. Judy hisses, "Well, it just seems like she gets what she wants, and he gets what he wants, but do you ever get what you want? Do I?" Sam protests that his hands are tied, and reminds her that Janine is looking for any little reason to take Jamian away. Guilt flashes across Judy's face.
"I know that. I feel horrible even saying these things," Soliloquy Judy laments. Yeah, but don't feel horrible for wanting more than he can give you. There is a difference.
"I have a son. This is my life. This is what it is," Sam says. Judy says she totally understands, but that "it's just not easy." She admits that she may have "some reservations about getting involved with a man and his son who doesn't want his father to be with anyone besides his mother -- which is completely understandable." She breaks it to Sam that just because she likes Jamian, it doesn't mean that he'll ever like her back. She says that she's trying. "Judy..." Sam falters.
"Do something! Anything. Tell me it will all work out. Hold me!" Soliloquy Judy begs. Ew.
Sam ducks his head and doesn't say anything. "Yeah, I'm gonna..." Judy whispers, hooking her finger at the door. The bathroom door creaks open, and Jamian peeks around it. He looks at the floor to show us that he feels guilty. As well he should.
The morning, Judy pops in the back door of Manning Manor and finds Lily at the counter with a newspaper and coffee. Lily is surprised to see Judy, and asks why she's not at the cabin. Before Judy can pour out her heart, the posse comes tearing through the kitchen, fighting over whom Eli will drop off first. Grace complains that she's already late to meet A.J. at the library, but Zoe and Jessie gripe that they'll be late for their movie if they don't go first. Eli settles it by saying he doesn't care who gets dropped off first, they just need to get going. Grace breaks free of the pack and circles back to ask Lily for her truck. Lily says no, she needs it. "For what?" Grace snits. Lily defensively says that she doesn't know. Grace thanks her sarcastically, and the brood finally heads out the back door. "Ah, listen to that," Lily says, savoring the silence. "I can just sit here and drink this coffee and read this newspaper like I'm an actual person," she says dreamily. She notices Judy's downcast expression and asks what's wrong. Judy glumly says she doesn't know.
Soliloquy Judy lays it out: "Okay, this is what was supposed to happen. I would get married in the spring of my thirty-first year in the rose garden at Lincoln Park. I would have one boy. And two years later, a girl. I would be a very interesting photographer who could juggle her career and kids with aplomb. And my husband would be...he would be...." Anyone but Sam Blue?
"I feel like my life is never going to start," Judy tells Lily. Which is sad, since she's already thirty-seven years into it. Lily asks her if this funk is about Jamian, and his disgusting little display all over the kitchen floor. My words, not hers. Judy says it's not Jamian, it's her. She claims to have no idea what she's doing, and wonders how she's ever going to "be a good mother if [she] can't handle someone else's adorable, annoying eleven-year-old son." Okay, the fact that she hasn't yet wrapped her hands around that adorable, annoying eleven-year-old kid's throat pretty much guarantees that she'll make a fine mother. Lily sets down her mug and tells Judy, "What you're trying to do is so much harder, believe me. It's just going to take time. It's not perfect -- it's messy." "And yet you do it so effortlessly," Judy pouts. Has she not watched a single episode? Lily tries to hide her pleasure by scoffing, "Is that what you think?" She levels with Judy: "If this is what you want, if being a parent is what you really want, this is what it's like. Plates fall down, you clean them up, you move on. It's not really as hard as it seems. You just have to give up...everything." Judy smiles, "Is that all?" Did I just switch channels? This show isn't exactly a showcase of self-sacrificing parenthood. Whatever, it seems to pacify Judy. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. She's crying again. Lily hops off her stool to put her arms around her, insisting that Judy will make a great mother when the time comes. She reminds her that she's "loving and caring and passionate." She promises that it'll "come naturally." Finally, Judy seems mollified.
Cut to Sam's place, where the living, breathing, birth-control ad is whining yet again. This time it's because he wants to play Sega. Sam resolutely says no, saying that Jamian will be a zombie by the time Janine gets there. The two of them are seated on either side of Sam's huge drawing table, where Sam's working and Jamian is drawing pictures. Sam pulls out his new charcoals for the kid to try. "Dad? Are you going to marry Judy?" Jamian asks, since there's only about five minutes left to air. Sam looks thoughtful but avoids the kid's eyes and says he doesn't know. Jamian asks if Sam is going to have another kid. God help us all, Sam smiles and says he doesn't know that, either. Jamian asks, "So, is it possible that you and Mom might get back together?" Sam slowly shakes his head and looks Jamian right in the eye. "No," he says, matter-of-factly. Jamian pouts that he thought the three of them would always be together. "Yeah, I know. I did, too," Sam says. "Until I started slipping it to any woman who said yes," he thinks. But wait, I'm giving him too much credit for self-realization. Scratch that last bit. Jamian asks if he's just supposed to forget about it, or what.
Soliloquy Sam thinks it's a good question. Why the hell couldn't Sam have just said that?
Sam suggests that Jamian could put all his "emotions" and "thoughts" into his drawings. He tells the kid that his pictures are his world, and he can make it whatever he wants. "Won't Judy be mad?" he asks. "Not if it makes you happy," Sam says, and adds, "Of course, if you draw her being pulled apart by wolverines, you might want to run it past me first." They chuckle. "Dad? I don't not like Judy. I was just mad," Jamie confesses. The rising tide of piano coincides with the rising tide of my stomach bile. Seriously, they should rename the kid, because this is all just a little too Pat. Sam smiles and lies that he knew that, then thanks the brat for sharing.
Cut to Jake moseying up to Tiffany and the baby at the park. He nonchalantly says that he thought he'd find them there. Tiffany tries to contain her excitement, for fear of scaring him off. Jake asks whether the baby's warm enough. "I don't know. Why don't you ask her?" Tiffany suggests. Jake does. The camera cuts to the baby, who reminds me of Starfish Maggie when she's all bundled up on The Simpsons. The baby doesn't have a lot to say on the matter. Jake coos at Maddie, and then exclaims, "Oh god, is she beautiful!" Tiffany chuckles and says tentatively that his showing up is a nice surprise. Jake claims to have put Kenny in charge. "Tssst. You did not," Tiffany scoffs. Jake laughs. Tiffany says, "Look Jake. I don't want you to feel like we're this burden. The last thing I want is for us to be heavy in your life. I just want you to be happy when you see us, because I know how happy we are when you're around. That's it. I just want the feeling to be mutual." Jake looks at her knowingly, and asks, "Really? Is that all?" Tiffany says she just wants to know what things mean. "Like what?" Jake asks. "Like that you came here today, to be with us," she fishes. He says it means he wanted to spend the day with them. "Well, what about tomorrow?" she pushes. "Can't we just talk about today?" Jake sweats. She agrees, then adds, "For now." He stands up and gets behind the stroller, telling Tiffany to come on. He chuckles to himself like some crazy old man as he pushes the baby.
"My husband would be..." Soliloquy Judy says, looking somberly at the camera. Her beeping microwave cuts into the musing. Judy retrieves a frozen dinner from it, just as there's a knock at the door. It's Sam. He asks if she wants to get something to eat. She holds up the sad little plastic package and says, "I have this." Sam surveys it critically. Judy offers to share, which draws him into the apartment. She apologizes, saying the nastiness is the last thing she ever wanted to have happen with Jamian. He agrees. "How are we ever gonna do this?" she asks, suddenly finding it funny. He asserts that it can be done. Judy says it's not the way she pictured it. Sam says it never is. "It's not what I envisioned," he adds. This snaps Judy to attention. She asks what he saw. "You know, you, me, Jamie, living a nice little life," he says. He stammers, "And then...uh...I don't know...at some point, maybe...you and I would, uh...you know..."
"Don't say it. Don't even bring it up," Soliloquy Sam advises himself.
Sam continues sputtering.
"Don't say it! Don't even bring it up," Soliloquy Judy warns herself.
Of course, she's the one who can't resist saying, "Add to the group, maybe?" Oh, barf. Sam admits it and smiles shyly, saying he never thought they'd "get to this point so fast." Yeah, neither did the writers. The absence of the four episodes the producers couldn't make is really showing at this point, isn't it? Sam steps forward and softly says that he wants Jamian to like Judy. She says that she does, too. What the --? Did I hallucinate that conversation when the squirt admitted to not hating Judy? I need to switch to better drugs, clearly. Sam apologizes for having so much baggage, and Judy shuts him up by saying that she's sorry for ever acting like it was a hindrance. They kiss. Sam says they still have a bit of time, and they could head to the cabin. Judy purrs that she thinks they should just stay at her place. "But it's so weird here," Sam teases, looking around. She tells him to shut up and chases him to the hammock.
"My husband would be..." Soliloquy Judy says.
Sam falls out of the hammock, and Judy falls on top of him.
Soliloquy Judy looks at us as if to say, See? That's him there, that ass on the floor. "...there," she says. Your husband would be there? Wow, way to set high standards, Jude.
Sam and Judy continue rolling around her floor.