We open in the kitchen at Manning Manor. It's a full house with everyone rushing around as Lily throws together another take-out dinner. She says she thinks the deli-roasted chickens look pretty good, and Rick pecks her cheek, teasing, "What, no garnish?" Jessie asks whether they're free-range birds, and Eli asks why it matters, since she's a vegetarian. Zoe pipes up that she's thought of becoming a vegetarian, but she "really like[s] bacon." That is a moral dilemma. Desperate to get away from the pork-loving pain-in-the-ass, Jessie asks Eli when he's going to be ready to move into the garage. Apparently, the renovations are almost complete, and he just has to wait for the paint to dry. Jessie smiles winsomely and asks whether he'll help her move her stuff into the attic. Eli dubiously says he'll think about it.
Grace comes rushing into the kitchen clutching a book, and plows right into Eli. I'm sure it gives her tingles. Grace asks Lily whether she may eat in her room. "Oh, I thought we'd all eat together," Lily says, beaming à la June Cleaver. Lily's dream of a nice family nosh disintegrates as Rick pipes up that he "was going to watch the match on TV," and Grace says that she "really need[s] to read this play again," since the drama club's auditions are the day. Jessie's radar blips at the mention of the auditions. Eli mutters that he has to get to work, and paws at one of the chickens, dismembering a drumstick for the road. Jessie asks Grace which play they're doing. It's Shakespeare's As You Like It. Jessie then asks what the auditions are like. Grace rummages around in the fridge and, with an eye-roll, complains, "Well, normally, you'd prepare a soliloquy or something, but Mr. Dimitri wants us to do it spontaneously, which is so not acting." Considering all the soliloquies these people do, it also wouldn't be fair to the other kids. Jessie says, "Oh, so you have to memorize the whole thing?" "Pretty much," Grace says, looking less than thrilled. "That's what I'd do," Jessie confirms. This gets Lily's attention, and she asks Jessie whether she's thinking of auditioning. Startled, Jessie says she's not. Lily prods, "Well, why don't you audition, if you want to? I bet you'd be great." She and Rick shoot Jessie encouraging looks, while Grace sulks in the background and makes a pitiful bid for attention by asking whether there's any bread. Rick agrees that Jessie should try out. Jessie's embarrassed by the attention and, smiling bashfully, says she doesn't know. Grace half-heartedly smiles and says that Jessie should try out. "It's fun," she adds, with as much enthusiasm as someone might exhibit while describing a pap smear. Grace has had enough of watching them prop up Jessie, so she plows up to Lily and sharply asks, "Mom? Where's the bread?" Lily silently hands the bag to her. Grace snarks a biting "Thanks," and shoots Lily an extra-long stink-eye to be sure she gets the point. Lily gets it, all right. Too bad she doesn't get that her eldest spawn is a beeyatch.
Meanwhile, Judy's giving Karen the grand tour over at Booklovers's new digs. The restaurant's interior is swathed in plastic sheets and electrical wiring, so it looks like the renovations are underway. Judy locates a folder sitting on one of the tables and hands it to Karen as Sam comes slithering around a corner. "Karen Sammler?" he exclaims, spreading his arms wide. She laughs as they embrace. Sam murmurs, "You smell good. You still using that vanilla extract?" Karen gives him an embarrassed "Shut up!" but with a pleased smile adds, "I can't believe you remember that!" Judy watches the exchange, fighting to keep her hackles down. "Hey, Judy," Sam smiles, almost as an afterthought. Judy grins and waves her finger between them, saying, "Oh that's right -- you two know each other. What's with the vanilla extract?" Karen fixes Sam with a zip-it look and insists it's nothing, "just [her] past coming back to haunt [her]." Welly well well, that could be interpreted in a number of ways, couldn't it? Now it's Karen's turn to wave her finger back and forth, saying, "So, you guys know each other. Because you're both working with Rick?" Judy and Sam quickly agree, folding their arms and trying not to look as though they've seen each other all kinds of naked. "How's Jamie?" Karen asks, explaining to Judy that "Sam's got the cutest little boy." Judy looks positively thrilled for him. She watches Sam closely as he squirms and says that Jamie's "adjusting to the whole thing," and, "he's good, he's good." The finger-waving comes full circle, as Sam asks, "So you guys are friends?" Judy nods with a wide smile, and Karen cautiously answers, "We are...." Her tone lightens and she insists, "We became friends." Sam stammers, "Oh, how...how complicated...for everybody."
Sam, Karen, and Judy are interrupted by Rick calling out Judy's name. He wanders through a plastic-draped doorway, looking over a blueprint. His pace slows when he looks up and sees the unlikely trio assembled in front of him. He pulls a closed-mouth guppy-face as the plucky guitars kick it. "Oh, hi Karen. Sam," he says, a little uncertainly. Karen explains that she just dropped by to pick up some papers, and Sam slickly says, "And I came by to bug you. Are those my blueprints?" Lily wanders in, obliviously yammering into her cell phone. Everyone stares at her, waiting for her to realize what a den of discomfort she's just walked into. She jumps a little when she clicks off the phone and looks up. "Hi," she belts, a little too brightly. She and Rick kiss hello, while Karen curdles in the background watching them. Okay, so we've got Judy, Lily, Karen, Sam, and Rick...someone's missing but I can't quite...oh, right: Jake. He bounds in, right on cue, asking whether Judy "ha[s] those résumés." He stops dead when he sees the motley crew. After a second of gaping at them, he Keanus, "Whoa." After another beat, he manages, "Hi." Sam steps forward with his hand out, introducing himself. He glances at Lily upon hearing Jake's last name, and Lily hooks her thumb at Jake, explaining that yes, he's her ex. Judy supplies that Jake is going to run the restaurant. "Oh," Sam says, registering just how fucked and incestuous the whole thing is. He glances around the circle and suggests, "Well, how about we all get some lunch?" Five jaws and ten eyes hit the floor. He quickly adds that he's kidding, prompting a collective sigh of relief disguised as laughter. Uncomfortable smiles all around. Except Rick, who's looking a lot like a brooding Frankenstein.
The exes split, leaving Lily, Judy, Rick, and Sam awkwardly staring at one another. "Well, that was a little uncomfortable," Lily understates with a cutesy smile. "I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm just regaining consciousness," Rick jokes. At least, I think he's joking. Sam looks at Judy, muttering, "It's like six degrees of Judy Brooks." She says she knows; she's "the linchpin." Lily watches the two of them with barely disguised distaste. With a tiny shake of her head, she turns to Rick and says, "We should..." He gets it and quickly agrees that they "should...." Lily forces herself to walk away calmly and slowly, although she really wants to run screaming. Rick bops Sam on the head with the rolled-up blueprints. Give him one for me, too. Only, swap the blueprints for a rubber hose first. Sam watches the departure, and when the coast is clear, mutters, "Lily really likes me. I can tell. Lotta love." Judy laughingly agrees. Hey Sam? Shut up. And while you're at it, grow up.
Sam and Judy wander into another part of the restaurant, where something catches Sam's eye. He beelines for the wall, asking, "What are these?" Judy explains they're "mock-ups for [her] sign," and asks if he likes any of them. For once, Sam and I agree, as he says, "Uh...they're awful." Judy tells him not to sugar-coat it. "Judy, this is serious. I mean, this is who you are," Sam says. Judy says, "I'm a little lost on this one ["on this one"?]. I found this art student, and he seemed really nice, and --" "Mmm, and cheap?" Sam says knowingly. He turns to survey the wall of crud again, while Judy adoringly surveys the back of his lying, cheating head. "Sam?" she asks. He turns to look at her, watching her watching him, and finally asks, "What?" Judy stares into his eyes, and a look of alarm flashes through hers. "I forget what I was going to say," she lies. "Yeah, I do too. Lately," he says, implying that she's the cause. He repeats, "Lately," just to be sure she got it. Unfortunately, she did, and she's staring at him with ooey-gooey eyes Duncan Hines would be proud of. She finally tears herself away, softly saying that she has to get to work. He says he does, too, and heads out through the maze of plastic and ladders. Judy tries to whistle nonchalantly, but she blows it by turning for one last look before he's gone.
Cut to a bright white spotlight glaring through darkness, inquisition-style. A disembodied voice hams some lines from Shakespeare, and the high-school boy who owns it steps forward on the stage, still reciting. He drops to one knee, wildly gesticulating with his arms and then heaves out the last few words before keeling over on his back. All he's missing are a couple of X's over his eyes and a tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. The camera pans from the stage to Mr. Dimitri, a.k.a. the guy who's never met an iron, who's lounging in a front-row seat with his leg propped up on a table. He seems to think he's a Broadway director. With a smug little smirk, he flatly thanks A.J., the kid on-stage, who springs up from the dead, and pleads to do another scene. Mr. Smugface Rumpledpants quickly insists that it won't be necessary; that A.J.'s "first instincts" were correct. A.J. stands up with a puzzled look on his face. It's okay, kid -- we don't get him either. Dimitri turns to his assistant and asks her who's . She consults her clipboard and says, "Grace Manning." Creepy Dimitri springs from his seat like his pants are hot-wired and says, "I know her!" As Grace takes the stage, he asks whether she prepared anything. "No, you said we shouldn't," she reminds him, a little patronizingly. Creepitri challenges her in a knowing voice, "Oh, so you didn't memorize Rosalind's epilogue?" Grace smiles and says, "Well, I read it a few times. Is that a crime?" Creepitri mocks, "In some countries it is." You know what's sad? In some countries, it really is. Creepitri fetches a sheaf of papers from the table and delivers it to Grace, reciting the part of Silvius in Act III, Scene IV, as he hands Rosalind a letter: "'My errand is to you, fair youth. My gentle Phoebe did bid me give you this.'" Grace takes the papers from his hand as he adds, "Act four, scene three." He thinks he's going to trip her up by making her do something other than the epilogue. He backs away with both his hands up, saying, "'Pardon me, I am but a guiltless messenger.'" And an ass. Grace glances at the sheet and starts reciting Rosalind's response to Silvius. While she reads, Creepitri paces around below the stage, taking in the performance with a tiny smile. When Grace finishes, he abruptly thanks her and starts making an announcement to the auditorium while she takes a seat. His assistant, Alexa, interrupts him to say there's one more audition: "She signed up late." Three guesses. Alexa calls out Jessie's name, and the camera cuts to Grace, whose smile evaporates. Grace turns to watch Jessie walk down the aisle to the stage as Alexa reads that Jessie's auditioning for the part of Phoebe. Jessie keeps her eyes down but raises her hand in a half-wave as she passes Grace. Grace takes a deep breath and tries to swallow the rising tide of bile in her throat.
After the break, we join Lily and Rick, who are in his truck, eating take-out. Rick lifts half of his sandwich out of the wrapper, rambling about some skylight at Booklovers. Lily interrupts to inform him, "Yours looks better than mine." She stares expectantly from the sandwich to him, and he indulgently sets down the sandwich and hands it over. What a brat she is. Still, I can't help admiring her technique. Lily asks whether Rick thinks Sam and Judy are seeing each other again. Rick says he doesn't know. Lily takes a big bite of her new sandwich, and with her mouth full, mumbles that she thinks they are. Rick points out that he spends more time with them than she does, and he thinks he would notice something. Provided he can actually see past that hair, that is. Lily matter-of-factly states that he wouldn't see it. "Maybe I don't care, because it's none of my business," he says pointedly. Lily looks at him excitedly and asks, "So you think that they are?" Impatiently, he insists that he didn't say that. She stares at him until he cracks under the pressure and admits, "Okay, all right. There have been...possible indications." "What indications?" Lily girlfriends. Rick mentions "glances here and there," and Lily swats his arm with enthusiasm, squealing that she "knew it" and "that's what [she] thought." Rick says the looks don't necessarily mean anything. "Don't be stupid," she condescends. You know, she's been openly disrespecting Rick all season. I hope he calls her on it soon. Rick extracts his revenge by snatching back his sandwich and shoving hers in her hands. She looks at him questioningly, but he just gives her a disgruntled look and goes on chewing. Loudly.
Meanwhile, Jessie's on stage in the middle of her audition for Phoebe. As she reads, A.J. leans over the back of Grace's seat and asks, "So this is your half-sister, right?" Grace clarifies that Jessie's her stepsister. A.J. insists, "You're so going to get Rosalind." "You think?" Grace asks, trying to be cool about it. "Well, it's between you and Cynthia," A.J. amends, nodding his head toward a curly-haired girl a row back. Creepitri catches a whiff of their whispering and casts a disapproving eye in their direction. Grace looks sufficiently chastised. Creepitri abruptly cuts off Jessie with a curt "thank you," and tells her to stay right there. He then finishes making the announcement he started earlier: he wants to add folk music to the play. "Yep, the music of weird, old America," he smarms. Okay, you're not old enough to be part of "weird, old America," so quit making with the quaint self-deprecation. Oh, and isn't this a convenient development, besides. "How great is that?" he asks, beaming at his own brilliance. From the look on Grace's face, it's as great as being asked to striptease and lapdance for the principal at a school assembly. A.J. protests that nobody warned them they'd have to sing. "I know," Creepitri cackles. Grace, panicked, asks if they have to sing right then, "like, today." Creepitri makes his way up the aisle, handing out song sheets, and says they'll work backwards in order of the auditions. Which means that Jessie gets to go first. She smiles uncertainly and asks, "You want me to sing? I don't think I know any of these." Creepitri tells her to sing anything. Jessie flips through the pages and finds a song she "kind of know[s] from camp." Creepitri tells her just to sing whatever she's comfortable with. Like he cares about her comfort.
Jessie starts belting out the song, and of course, she sounds incredible. Grace sits and stews. If this were an audition for a Tums commercial, she'd nail it. Creepitri pulls himself out of his slouch to sit up and take notice of the little girl with the big, big pipes. Jessie wraps it up, and Creepitri smiles widely, throwing his arms wide and chuckling with pleasant surprise. "I love it!" he exclaims. Cynthia raises a worried hand and calls, "Mr. Dimitri?" He rises out of his seat and to answer her impatiently. Her voice almost cracking, Cynthia whines (in the form of a question), "I have to say I think this is totally unfair that we have to do this like this?" He patronizingly asks how she would like to do it, then. Grace chimes in that they should be given time to practice, at least, and that it's unreasonable for him to assume that everyone would be comfortable just singing "like that." She waves a bitter hand toward Jessie on the stage. Creepitri notes that Grace seems to feel pretty strongly about it. She says she thinks they all do. Everyone nods in agreement. "Fair enough," Creepitri says, clasping his hands together. "I'm not a complete sadist. Yet. Those of you who get called back should be prepared to sing one of these songs. Those of you who don't get called back should learn these songs regardless, for your own enrichment." Wanker.
Cut to Judy wandering along the hallway to her apartment, scrabbling through her purse for her keys. Very bad form for a woman alone, that. When she looks up, she's startled to find Sam camped outside her door. She says she wasn't expecting him. "That makes it all the more surprising," he says. "Good thing I didn't bring anyone home," Judy ribs, secretly hoping to inspire a little jealousy. "As you're apt to do," Sam snides. All kidding aside, Judy asks what he's doing there. "Well, I thought I'd bring you this," he says, holding up his sketchbook and turning it around to show her. A scripted, shadowed "Booklovers" is scrawled across the page. Judy gasps that it's exactly what she was looking for. She asks what made him do it. "I don't know. It behooved me," he says. Judy crinkles her nose and tells him it was very sweet, adding a heartfelt "thank you." He fishes around for another compliment, asking whether she really likes it. She studies it intently and assures him that she does. He lies that he didn't expect her to be there, and that he was just going to leave it for her. She totally calls him on it, saying it looked like he was waiting for her. He slowly leans in to kiss her, saying, "Well, that's...partially true." They kiss as the tender guitars strike up their business. Judy stops returning his kisses and asks, dazedly, "Sam, what is this?" He showers kisses all over her face, asking, "What?" "This." "I don't know," he murmurs, kissing Judy hard enough to propel her into her apartment. Resolve, Judy! Resolve! Send him and his big blue balls on their way. She doesn't. Sam closes the door to the apartment on us. Nothing to see here, I guess, so we head to commercials.
It's early morning when we return from the break. We follow a pair of tiny feet and ankles and what appear to be pajama bottoms into Lily's room. Lily's in bed alone, and with a sleepy smile, says, "Hey sweetie," to Zoe. Zoe asks where Rick is, and Lily tells her that he left early. "Good," Zoe says, peeling back the covers and climbing into bed for a snuggle. She asks if Lily will help her redecorate her room after Jessie moves to the attic. Lily says she will, and suggests painting a mural on the ceiling. "Oh, like stars and moons and suns?" Zoe asks, delighted. Grace pads into the room, looks like she smells something foul, and snarks, "The sun is a star." Pretty sure no one asked you, sunshine. Grace piles into bed on the other side of Lily and immediately starts hogging the attention, asking, "Did you know that Jessie auditioned?" Lily struggles to sit up and says she thinks that's "great." Zoe pouts, "Grace, I was talking." "So talk," Grace snipes. "Never mind," Zoe says, cuddling up to Lily's shoulder. Jessie wanders in looking for Rick. When Lily says he left early, Jessie turns to go, but Lily calls her back. Jessie climbs onto the foot of the bed with a timid smile and self-consciously pulls her knees to her chest. Jessie asks Grace whether she "look[ed] at any of those songs." Grace answers, "A little." Lily's confused: she thought they were doing Shakespeare. Grace explains that Creepitri wants to use folk songs in the play. "Oh, well that could be interesting," Lily says optimistically. She adds, "It's really good for you, Jessie. You have such a beautiful voice." Jessie laughs shyly. Grace looks at Lily like she's a traitor, and Jessie catches it. Her face falls, and she hurriedly says that she should go and get ready. Lily shoos Zoe to get ready, too. Once Zoe's gone, Lily turns to address the eyes burning a hole in the side of her head. She assures Grace that she's "just trying to encourage Jessie." Grace's look of disgust doesn't waver as she says she knows. Without another word, she gets up to leave. Lily reaches after her, unsuccessfully.
Meanwhile, the sheets are finally cooling off over at Judy's. She and Sam are lying in bed, musing about Jimmy Carter. Whatever. Judy asks whether Sam likes pancakes. "Why, are you going to make some?" he asks. "No, but I could order some," she says. Wow, that is lazy. Sam asks what the time is, and Judy sleepily says she doesn't know. She asks whether he has to be somewhere. He points out that he has to work, and wonders whether she doesn't have to, too. "Eventually," she murmurs, adding that he's "free to go, obviously." "You won't be mad at me?" he asks. Judy props herself up to look him in the eye and says, "You know that I'm undeniably attracted to you, and I can't help myself. Why can't we just have this? Enjoy each other without making so much out of it? Because that's where we seem to run into trouble." Nice pitch, Judy, but I'm not buying it. Sam, of course, is thrilled at the thought of sex without expectations. "So why can't we do that?" Judy asks, smiling widely. Because no other couple in history has been able to pull it off? Sam's penis turns cartwheels under the covers. He says, "We can, and I think we should." They seal the deal with a kiss. Sam's cell phone interrupts the celebration of their new non-union.
From his truck, Rick asks where Sam is. Sam bullshits that he's on his way. Judy's phone rings. Of course it's Lily.
Lily: Good morning sleepyhead.
Judy: What's that supposed to mean?
Rick: I just pulled into Judy's.
Sam: Judy's house?
Lily: You want to have lunch?
Judy: Mmm, I'm not sure.
Rick: No, Phil's. Booklovers.
Sam: Oh.
Lily: Is someone there?
Judy: No.
Rick: Are you at Judy's house?
Sam: Uh, no.
Lily: Well, it sounds like someone's there.
Judy: Anything's possible.
Rick: You are at Judy's house, aren't you?
Sam: Oh-hoh. Maybe.
Lily: [sigh]
Rick: [sigh]
Judy: Don't.
Sam: Don't do that!
Lily: What?
Rick: Don't do what?
Judy: You sighed!
Sam: That judgmental breathing thing. It's really annoying.
Judy: It's annoying.
Lily: Fine.
Rick: Fine. I'll try not to breathe.
Lily: Are you going to work today?
Judy: Yes!
Rick: Are you going to the office today?
Sam: Uh, yeeah!
Judy: I have to go, Lil.
Lily: Me, too.
Rick: Good.
Sam: Good.
Everyone clicks off their respective phones, looking disgusted. I'm disgusted that they missed a perfectly good opportunity to do one of those sliding-split-screen telephone things. I love that. ["Just like in When Harry Met Sally..., from which this scene seems to have been ripped off." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, the mood at Judy's is now anything but supa-freaky. She and Sam shoot each other flaccid, guilty looks.
Meanwhile, at the high-school cafeteria, Grace is sitting with Cynthia and A.J., trying to convince them and herself that she'd be happy getting a role other than Rosalind. Cynthia laments that she knows she screwed up, and moans that she has no singing ability. Jessie walks up to the table, smiling hopefully, and says hi. Grace says hello back, but makes no move to invite Jessie to sit. Jessie stands there for a few seconds, her smile growing strained and uncomfortable, until Cynthia asks her to sit down. Grace looks like Cynthia just invited the plague to lunch. "What's your name again?" Cynthia asks, and Jessie reminds her. Cynthia and A.J. both tell her she was amazing in the audition. Smiling down at her lunch tray, Jessie insists, "I don't think so." Grace immediately changes the subject, asking whether anyone looked at the lyrics on the song sheets Creepitri handed out. Jessie looks rebuked, but Grace doesn't care. She talks to the others at the table without ever looking at Jessie. Because Jessie must be punished for being talented. Cynthia notices Alexa walking past the table with a clipboard, and calls out to her. Alexa stops but warns, "Callbacks will be posted at 3:30. That's all I can tell you." Grace affects an unconcerned air and says, "That's fine." She adds, "Love your sweater," for good measure. Alexa couldn't care less. She's about to walk away when she notices Jessie sitting there. She makes a point of saying hi to her before walking away. Don't think Grace doesn't notice it. She's positively simmering in sour juices.
Cut to Judy arriving at Booklovers, where she's pleasantly surprised to find Karen going over some papers. Karen says she was in the neighborhood, so she brought by the Booklovers contracts for Judy to sign. Judy insists that she's paying Karen this time. "Oh, well, that's good, because I enclosed a bill," Karen says lightly, pulling it out. "You okay?" she asks, giving Judy a sidelong glance. Judy says she just woke up late. She pauses from signing the papers and says, "I mean, I didn't wake up late. I was...up late. I was with someone." Karen's intrigued. "Well, you gonna tell me who it was?" she asks, leaning in with a conspiratorial smile. "Sam Blue," Judy tells her, looking very pleased with herself. This wakes the sleeping ass-pole, and Karen stiffens. "Judy!" she says, trying to recover, and adds that she had no idea they were seeing each other. Judy says they're not; they "just have this incredible connection, you know?" Yeah, it's called "coitus." The giddier Judy gets, the more restrained Karen grows. She says, "Judy, I guess I'm just a little floored." Now there's a word you just don't hear anymore. Unless you're hanging out with my mom, that is. Karen tries convincing both of them that she thinks it's great. Judy claims she just "want[s] to live in the moment, you know?" Um, this is a new development for Judy? Karen kids -- yes kids -- that she's "heard of that. [She's] never actually tried it, but --" Judy says she's relieved she can talk to Karen about it, since Lily just doesn't want to hear about it. Judy, still grinning and gushing, goes back to signing the contracts. Karen finally gives in to the ass-pole and casts a disturbed sidelong glance at the love-addled other woman.
Cut to the kitchen, where they are, in fact, getting food. Just before Judy urgently grabs at Sam's midsection, that is. Lily comes barging in at that moment, trailed by Rick. "Sam? Did you find everything you wanted?" she asks, overly sweet. He says he did. She pointedly reaches between Sam and Judy to grab a bottle of wine. "Good. Let me know when you're ready for dessert," she says, tossing a knowing glance over her shoulder. Alone again, Sam and Judy look like a couple of schoolkids who got caught passing notes.
Upstairs, Jessie wanders into the bathroom and finds Grace brushing her teeth. Grace is as cold as her Icy Mint Crest. Nervously, Jessie says, "You know I didn't --" "Didn't what?" Grace demands, wiping her face on a towel. "That I didn't want the part of Rosalind. That I auditioned for Phoebe," Jessie says in a small voice. Grace senses weakness: "So what are you saying? You're not going to do it?" She's trying to remain nonchalant. Jessie falters, "I don't...I don't know." Grace parts her lips in a semblance of a smile and grits, "So what? So we're up for the same part? It's no big deal." I'd be more likely to believe her if she didn't slam her toothbrush into the holder before blowing out of the bathroom. Jessie shivers with the sudden temperature drop, then sets about brushing her teeth.
Cut to Lily's and Rick's bedroom, where she's working herself into a lather. Rick's calmly clipping his toenails on the bed. Dude, that's disgusting. Toenail bits and that crusty shit that gets under them? Not meant to be slept on. Rick's trying to watch television, where some guy's complaining that his wife's always on him about his weight, but Lily's too riled up about Sam and Judy to let him watch in peace. She wonders, "What do you think they were going to do?" Rick doesn't know who she's talking about. "Sam and Judy! Do you think they were just going to do it right there on my butcher block?" she demands, flinging the throw cushions to the floor. "Our butcher block, you mean?" Rick corrects her. Lily fumes that Judy's just trying to "provoke" her. Rick sarcastically mutters, "Oh, there's no question." Lily storms around the bed, saying, "I really liked Will Gluck." Hey, get in line, sister. Rick, only half interested, says, "That's because you really liked Will Gluck." Lily clarifies that it's not that she doesn't like Sam; it's that "it doesn't seem right." Lily seems to have forgotten the days when she was separated and sleeping with Rick. And that they did the horizontal polka all over Judy's floor. Lily bullishly asks Rick whether he agrees. He wisely says he doesn't want to be involved. He adds that, in some ways, he can see how Sam and Judy would be good for one another, adding, "but ultimately, I think they'll destroy each other." Lily and Rick climb under the covers as Lily angrily forecasts, "If I know Judy, she'll be devastated, and I'll have to pick up the pieces." Ah-ha! There's that old Lily we all know and love. Figuratively speaking, that is. Rick mutters, "If I know Sam, he'll rebound with a twenty-three-year-old." Lily shoots him the stink-eye, and Rick quickly says that he was just kidding. Under her scrutinizing glare, he confesses that Sam could do that. He begs not to be involved. Wordlessly, Lily turns her back on him and opens her book, Nickel and Dimed (which was written by Barbara Ehrenreich, who lived undercover as an unskilled worker for several months to find out just how impossible it is to get by on minimum wage). Love that intertextuality. Anyway, Rick turns up the volume on the TV as a woman says, "Now, tell me what you mean by 'walking on eggshells for twenty years.'" Heh.
The scene's a little different in Judy's bedroom, where she and Sam are naked and sated. Sam trails his fingertips up Judy's arm and asks whether she saw Rick's face when he caught them in the kitchen. "No, but I saw Lily's eyes narrow into two disparaging little slits," Judy says. They're very pleased with their nekkid, naughty selves. Sam kisses Judy's shoulder and asks her to hand him his underwear. He's a Jockey man, if you're interested. He slides them on as Judy asks whether he's hungry. He asks whether she wants to get some food. When she says no, he says he'll "just go home, then." "Oh," she says, surprised and trying to hide her disappointment. He watches her and asks, "What?" She says she doesn't want him to go. "Judy...." he whines. "Hey, Jude," he says more softly, climbing onto the bed. "Penny Lane, whatever your name is..." Judy laughs and says it's okay; she knows he has to go sometime. He kisses her. As he goes to pull away, she grabs the back of his head and clings for a longer kiss. He continues moving away from her even as she's attached to his face. See, she wants to hold onto him, but he wants to be free. Finally, she lets go, and he breaks for the edge of the bed to finish dressing. Judy watches him, trying to fight the sadness creeping over her.
After commercials, we return to a disconcerting close-up of Grace's lips puckering as she sings, "Do...do re mi" and so on up the scale. She's holding one of those pitch pipes in her hand. Think she's serious about this part? She paces around her room, singing scales over and over again like a Broadway diva on speed.
Cut to Jessie, pacing around the attic and thumbing through the song sheets. Grace's singing is wafting up through the floor. Jessie cocks an ear and looks a little disturbed by it.
Back to Grace, who's still pacing around and singing. She's up on her tiptoes now, moving her hands with each new note she sings. I need her to stop before I put my foot through the screen.
Back to Jessie, who starts singing one of the songs, thereby kicking off the equivalent of a dueling-banjos montage.
Back to Grace, who sings, "Me may my moe moo." Okay, my foot's getting dangerously close to the screen now. She struggles to find the right key, unnerved by Jessie's singing. Frustrated, she slams the little pitch pipe into its case and grabs the play off her dresser. She begins reciting lines as loudly as she can, trying to drown out the sound of Jessie's voice. First, though, she clears her throat and pompously fastens the top button of her blouse, trying her damnedest to be a thespian. Rick, at the bedroom computer, looks up and listens intently to the competing voices. Lily comes into the bedroom and also cocks her head. If they had any sense, they'd know it doesn't bode well for their familial bliss. Grace pauses and hears that Jessie's still at it, so she kicks up her own volume a notch. Jessie's singing gets louder as the camera cuts to her belting out the same song onstage at the school. The camera pans the kids in the auditorium, who are listening raptly. Grace looks like she could use a Gravol.
Cut to Grace onstage, reciting her lines. She finishes with a flourish and a bow. "I must say, I enjoyed that very much," Creepitri says from the front row. He asks to hear her song. Grace exhales nervously and adjusts herself. She takes her pitch pipe out of her pocket and surreptitiously blows a note. She begins singing as the camera pans out over the auditorium. Creepitri looks pleasantly surprised, while A.J. and Cynthia turn to whisper something to one another. Grace is no Jessie, but she's not bad either. Dammit. Jessie watches, unsmiling and slumped in her seat. She nervously bites at her nail.
Cut to Rick and Sam at a café counter, where a bright young thing leans forward and squeezes her cleavage together. Rick occupies himself with grabbing sugar packets while Sam rhymes off their latte order to Chesty the Coffee Wench, openly flirting with her in the process. When she goes to fetch their coffees, Sam mutters, "How old do you think she is?" Rick snides, "Quite possibly not of legal drinking age." Sam slimes, "Quite possibly not interested, then." Liar. Rick snaps down a sugar packet and wearily says, "You and Judy, Sam? What...?" Sam pretends to have forgotten who Judy is. Rick's not playing. He asks what's going on with them, and points out that Sam's in the midst of a messy separation. Sam dryly remarks that his "wife is preparing to savagely rake [him] over the coals." I'd buy tickets to that, if anyone's selling. Sam says he doesn't see what it has to do with Judy, though. Rick says that it would be really unfair of Sam to "string Judy along if, in fact, [he's] not serious." Sam sarcastically thanks Rick "for the moral, ethical advice," and promises to keep it in mind. Too bad it's not his mind that does the thinking for him. Rick tells him not to get mad, and says he's "just concerned, for everyone." Sam snaps that Rick doesn't need to be concerned "because it's not [his] business, and it's too late." Their coffee order's up, and Sam tells Chesty to keep the change, adding, "Oh, and my friend here thinks you're really cute." Sam storms off, leaving Rick there to guppy-mouth in embarrassment. Oh, burn! What are you, twelve? Right, look who I'm asking. How telling is this little scene about Sam's attitude toward women in general? Chesty smiles hopefully at Rick, not realizing that she's been had. Rick smiles uncomfortably.
Cut to Judy and Lily having lunch at Lily's desk at the radio station. Judy throws out a couple of her ideas for Booklovers, and Lily somehow sees them as a segue to pry about Judy and Sam. Lily comments that it seems like they're seeing a lot of each other, and Judy agrees, but says they're not "seeing each other; [they're] just seeing each other." "So it's not serious serious," Lily says. Judy agrees, conveniently leaving out the tidbit that she like likes Sam. Lily raises her coffee mug and says, unconvincingly, that she won't worry, then. "Because you know what you're doing," she adds, dubiously. Judy defensively agrees that she does. There's a bristling silence. "Judy," Lily mothers. Judy stands up, grabs her purse, and says, "I'm leaving." Lily flaps her lips a few times, trying to find something to say, but failing.
Cut to Grace bursting through the auditorium doors. She leans against the wall to collect herself. "Alexa?" Creepitri calls, emerging into the hallway. He stops when he sees Grace there. He grins widely and says, "So, who knew you had such a great voice?" He saunters over to a pop machine, while Grace blushes out a "yeah, who knew." Creepitri assures her it was "quite an audition." Grace beams and thanks him. He pauses with his dollar midway to the machine and says, "But, I guess you'll have a lot of competition." Grace agrees. Creepitri gets his bevvie and says, a little too nonchalantly, "Now, Jessie Sammler is your stepsister?" Grace looks away and confirms it. He asks whether they get along. Grace phonies that they do, and then lets it slip out that it can be "you know, awkward." She glances at him, looking a little guilty, and waits for his reaction. He chuckles and says, "This must be really awkward, huh? Up for the same part?" He's enjoying this just a little too much, the Machiavellian asshole. Grace laughs and says she's fine with it. "And if she gets the part?" he prods. Grace says that it's okay; Jessie's "really good." She slowly adds that Jessie's "really sensitive, which makes her a good actress." She's as convincing as the losers on Oscar night, when they praise the winners. Creepitri stirs it up, asking what Grace means. "Just that she's...sensitive. Which is good." Devil Grace starts whispering in her ear: the pins are all in place -- just knock 'em down, baby. Grace adds, "But it also might make it hard for her." Creepitri looks intrigued, stepping forward and asking what she means. Angel Grace tells her to play nice, so Grace quickly tries to back off the subject, saying she doesn't know: "Never mind." Creepitri prods her, while Devil Grace binds and gags Angel Grace. Grace slowly confesses that it might be hard for Jessie because she's had some problems. "What kind of problems?" Creepitri asks, stepping even closer. He's practically drooling. Grace acts like he's tearing it out of her and says that Jessie had an eating disorder, and Grace "just hope[s] that [the play] wouldn't be too much pressure." It's a better performance than she just gave on stage. Alexa comes rushing through the doors, explaining to Creepitri that she just had to go to her locker. Grace instantly looks racked with guilt. Creepitri knowingly tells Alexa that she really shouldn't smoke. Alexa disappears inside the auditorium, leaving Creepitri to give Grace an appraising look before saying simply, "Bye, Grace." She says goodbye and takes a sharp intake of air, as if she wants to say something more, but Creepitri's already gone. Grace lumbers down the hallway, dragging her heavy conscience and her big, fat mouth with her.
After the break, we're inside Lily's fridge, watching her glance over the contents. She asks whether Grace wants anything from the store. Grace gives her a sullen "no." Lily mutters that she's still "having trouble figuring out who eats what around here." Grace snaps that she should just buy what she buys and people can eat it or starve. You know whom she has in mind. She bitches, "This never used to be an issue." Lily launches into one of her understanding-mother spiels, saying they're all trying to adjust, but Grace cuts her off short, saying she doesn't "care about that. [She's] just tired of people walking on eggshells [someone sure loves that expression, don't they?] around certain people." Lily studies her closely for a second and then asks whether the school play is putting too much pressure on her. Well, it's either that or living in Jessie's shadow. Grace sulks and says she doesn't know. Her chin starts to cave, and with a shaky voice she starts to say, "Mom?" On cue, Zoe blows into the kitchen and interrupts by loudly asking Lily to drop her off first. These kids have no manners. By the time Zoe gets out her question, Grace is out the door. Lily goes after her.
Cut to Karen and Jessie at the same café Rick and Sam were at earlier. Jessie asks for a blueberry muffin and a hot chocolate. Karen agrees, "but only because [she's] such a lame mom who doesn't keep milk in her fridge." Jessie robotically argues that Karen's not lame; she's cool. She asks whether she may skip school. "I'm not that cool," Karen says wryly. The ass-pole appears to be sleeping late again. Karen's surprised that Jessie doesn't want to find out about the play. Jessie says she does, "but the whole thing is just so weird. Like, the thing with Grace..." She concludes that she doesn't know if she even wants the part. Karen looks at her proudly and says, "Honey, you can't help it that you're so talented you got called back for the lead." Jessie blushes and laughs, telling her to stop. Karen assures her, "It's okay to want the part." Jessie worries about what will happen if she actually gets it, and Karen tries to say, "If you really want it --" Jessie's not in the mood for a motherly lecture and tells her to forget it. Their order arrives, and Jessie glances across the counter. She squinches a little and says, "Hey, isn't that Sam?" Karen follows her gaze to the greasy man-pig who's busy making time with Chesty. Chesty appears to be giving Sam her number. Karen's jaw drops, and she hurries Jessie out of there, glancing at Sam as she goes.
Cut to Karen with Judy in a boardroom. Judy apologizes for not calling the other night, saying she was with Sam. Karen freezes a little while Judy prattles on about her quasi-relationship with Sam, saying that she's really proud of herself for shooting down Lily's attempt to badmouth Sam the other day, and that although there is "some ambiguity," she's "really, really happy." Karen cautiously eats her salad. Judy asks Karen's opinion, but before Karen has a chance to start her carefully worded response, Judy's yammering away again, saying that Lily won't let her decide for herself what makes her happy. Karen says that Lily's "just trying to be protective." Which is big of her. Karen adds that Lily just doesn't want to see Judy get hurt. Judy asserts that she's "a big girl." "Who wears her heart on her sleeve," Karen adds. Judy slowly looks up from her lunch and says, "That could have easily come out of Lily's mouth." Karen's shoulders slump and she apologizes, saying that she's "just concerned about what's going on." Judy frowns and asks what she means. Karen reminds Judy that she knows Sam, and "his history," and "some of the things he's done." Judy wants to know what she's getting at. Karen draws her a picture: she's friends with Sam's wife -- remember her? -- and this has been "extremely difficult" for Janine. Judy hangs her head at the mention of the wife, but she jerks it up again when Karen mentions that Sam cheated on Janine. Judy's waiting to hear that Karen knows all about her fling with Sam a while ago, but Karen's talking about a different affair, one that happened five years ago. This really snaps Judy's head up, I guess because she assumed that she was Sam's first affair, and that it wasn't just cheap meaningless sex, but something that happened because he felt so strongly about her. I don't think he ever actually said that, but he certainly led her to believe it. "Five years ago?" Judy repeats, dazed, not hearing anything else Karen is saying. Karen pleads with her to "be careful." Judy fights back her tears and stands quickly, saying that she has to go. Karen thinks it's because she's offended her, and looks upset.
Cut to Grace, peering anxiously through the door to Creepitri's classroom. He barrels out and knocks her backward, grandly announcing that he's decided not to post the cast list; he's going to call everybody instead. "Oh, so you've decided already?" Grace says, dripping disappointment. She trails him down the hallway. "There something else?" he asks offhandedly. She pleads with him to believe that Jessie's problem is in the past, and that he shouldn't let it affect his decision. She assures him that she doesn't think it would be a problem. Creepitri reminds her that she brought it up, though, so she must've had a reason. She whines that what she said doesn't mean anything. He climbs the staircase and smiles down at her, glibly informing her that "everything means something." He's unfazed by her torment, and carries on his pompous, merry way. Defeated, Grace schlumps away.
Cut to Judy curled up in bed, looking thoughtful. She tosses and turns, until the doorbell distracts her. It's Sam Blue Balls, looking for a little relief. He notices her jammies and asks whether he woke her up. She assures him that she wasn't sleeping. He waves a bottle of wine at her and invites himself in. She watches him like a stranger, as he walks into her kitchen. He asks where the corkscrew is, and as he works at opening the wine, tells her he may bestow upon her the supreme honor of spending the night. "Okay," Judy says, with a strange, wired expression. "Unless you don't want me to," Sam says. "Whatever you want," Judy says, still looking buggy. "You don't seem delighted," Sam observes. I hate him. They banter back and forth about her lack of enthusiasm, until Sam asks where she keeps the wine glasses. Judy finally snaps. She can't believe that after all the time he's spent there, he doesn't remember something like that. Sam tries to laugh it off like he always does, and Judy asks him if he can be serious. "No, unfortunately not, not at this point in my life," he says, taking a slug of wine. "What if I need you to be?" Judy demands. He reminds her about their handy no-holds pact, but she's beyond that now. She asks whether he expects her just to wait until he's ready to commit. He likes the thought of Judy dangling on her string, so he says it would be nice. She says she needs to know there'll be a point to it -- that it means something. He acts offended and says of course it does. What he doesn't say is that it means he gets laid on a regular basis. After a pile of hemming and hawing, Sam says what he thinks she needs to hear: "Judy, uh, I'm pretty sure I love you." Say, that's beautiful. You should stitch that on a pillow for her. And for your wife, and Chesty, while you're at it. "But you're not sure?" she says, cutting through it. He tries the "things are really complicated for me right now" tack, and Judy sees through it, too. Tearing up, she says she was wrong about being able to keep things light, and that she wasn't being honest with herself. Looking pained, he asks what she wants him to do. He asks whether she wants him to go, and his groin cries out in protest. She says she doesn't, but that's exactly why he has to. He says he'll go, but his penis makes him wait a few seconds, just in case she relents and lets him hop back in her bed. She doesn't. Finally, the schmuck takes his cue and leaves. Judy just stands there, trying not to fall apart.
Cut to the kitchen of Manning Manor, where Lily and Zoe are making macaroni and cheese from scratch. Zoe asks whether they can add bacon. Did the Pork Board sponsor this or something? Grace wanders in and asks what they're making. "Macaroni and cheese," Zoe says, extra-slowly, because Grace is clearly an idiot. Grace asks whether anyone called. She snags some cheese and Zoe brats, "Get out!" Lily pretends she's blind and deaf. Grace leaves, and Jessie wanders in and asks what they're making. "Macaroni and cheese," Zoe snarks, as if personally insulted that people even have to ask. Somehow, Jessie avoids killing her and instead looks like she's about to ask something. "No one called," Zoe informs her. Lily chides Zoe as Jessie disappears through the dining room. Zoe whispers that it's very uncomfortable, and Lily agrees. The phone rings. Grace and Jessie race into the kitchen through different doorways, and then freeze when they see one another. They both act unconcerned as the phone continues ringing. Lily finally answers it and hands it off to Grace. I cross the fingers on both my hands and sit on them, but to no avail. Grace got the part. Creepitri asks her to tell Jessie that she landed the role of Phoebe instead. Nothing like the personal touch to soften the blow of humiliation. "Oh, okay," Jessie says. Seeing the tears in Jessie's eyes, Grace assures her that Phoebe is a really good part. Jessie tries to tough it out and says she knows. Lily says, "I'm just so proud of both of you!" In a quavering voice, Jessie says, "Grace was amazing. She really does deserve the lead." She then beats a hasty retreat. Lily congratulates Grace, who seems remarkably deflated. Grace heads up to her room, starting to smile faintly once she's on the stairs. She hears the door to the attic slam, and the smile fades.
Jessie flops on her bed. Grace shuts the door to her room and leans against it. After a moment, she takes the play off her dresser and lays on her bed to read it over. She hears Jessie singing mournfully, and lowers the book, her eyes brimming with tears. Her face dissolves as she lies back and starts sobbing. Jessie pushes herself up off the bed, her voice growing stronger and fuller. Down in the kitchen, Lily pauses and glances up at the sound, looking melancholy, as if she knows this isn't the end of the tension.