We open on a dance floor where a band is playing something waltzy and older couples are tripping the light fantastic. The camera pans back and finally lands on Rick and Lily's clasped hands. Lily reaches for her champagne. As they clink glasses, Rick surveys the restaurant and deadpans, "See anybody with a gun?" See, that's funny, because very recently, Lily's daughter and ex-husband were held hostage by a busboy who later shot himself. Oh, wait, that's not funny at all. Lily doesn't seem to object, though, and chides him with a huge smile, "Oh, shut up!" Rick grabs her hand, pulls her close, and says, "You're right. How dare we be happy?" I don't think that refraining from making crass jokes about a fatal situation necessarily cramps one's happiness, so much as it shows a little tact and good taste. But that's just me. And Rick has never been less attractive, for the record. Anyway, Lily's face melts, and she looks all dreamy as she realizes that yes, dammit, they do deserve to be happy. She emphatically says, "This feels so good!" as she smushes Rick's mouth in her hand and plants a big wet one on him. Rick suggests that they "never tell anybody," but Lily purrs, "They may get suspicious when we move in together." They then discuss living arrangements, Lily pointing out that Rick's lease is up soon (well-y well well, isn't that convenient?), and he countering that her house isn't big enough and besides, it "has Jake cooties," so they should buy a new one. She points out that they can't afford it. Which is hard to believe, when you factor in the value of her house and Rick's fat Atlantor project, but whatever. ["It's possible he won't get paid for the bulk of his work until he's finished, though, and if he's having to turn down other projects in other to leave enough room for Atlantor, cash flow might be tight just now." -- Wing Chun] Lily insists that they'll "make [her house] big enough," and then girlishly declares, "I want to dance." Rick adds that he doesn't want to "upset [their] kids' lives anymore than [they] already have." Lily's finished with this conversation, though, saying that she doesn't want to think about any realistic details for the rest of the night as she leads Rick to the dance floor.
Surveying the Lawrence Welk crowd, Rick quips, "These people are good. They've been on cruise ships." To prove his point, he practically gooses some little old lady when he grabs Lily's arm to lead. By way of apologizing, he explains that they just got engaged. He and Lily kiss, and the music changes to an upbeat salsa or mambo or something. Lily and Rick stand there, uncertain of what to do. The goosed lady and her husband offer them a couple of dance tips and they strike up a little conversation. Lily reveals that they're the first people she and Rick have told about the engagement, and that they haven't even told their kids yet. The woman advises them to tell their exes before they tell the kids -- it shows the kids they still respect their other parents. Rick asks how long they've been married, and the man says it's going on...eight months. I think we're supposed to be surprised because they're old or something. The woman whispers conspiratorially that they lived together first, and they dance away, laughing. Rick and Lily smile and kiss, all warm and fuzzy after seeing the kooky old couple in love. Whatever. I feel like I'm trapped in Cocoon.
Meanwhile, Jake's at the restaurant, feeling the aftereffects of the hostage situation. Business is not exactly booming. He strolls through the nearly empty dining room and asks the bartender for a couple glasses of wine. Grace is there, helping him. Sensing what he's thinking, she assures him, "People will come back. They're just scared." He says he knows, and then asks if she's okay being there. "If you think I'm going to let you be here alone..." she says, and Jake envelops her in a big bear hug, wondering, "How did I get you, huh?" Tiffany walks in and interrupts them, saying, "Another bustling night at Phi's, huh?" She asks Grace if she's doing okay, and Grace insists that she is. She smiles and adds, "I couldn't even get out of going to school. They made me see a stupid trauma counselor." Tiffany airheads that she needs a trauma counselor to "get through a normal day," and then giggles and kisses Jake. Grace observes, looking a little disturbed. Tiffany asks if there are any crackers. What does she think this is, a restaurant or something? Grace offers to get her some, but Tiffany declines, saying she has to "pee anyway." Grace waits until the coast is clear, and then leans in to whisper to Jake, "So, are you and Tiffany back together?" Jake stammers something to the negative, but can't quite get out a coherent sentence and walks away, tossing a weary "Never mind," over his shoulder. Grace is ill at ease and looks back toward the washroom.
Cut to Grace walking down the hallway past said washroom, where she overhears Tiffany retching. She cautiously enters and asks Tiffany whether she is all right. Tiffany emerges from a stall and insists that she's fine. She tries to change the subject by asking Grace, again, if it's weird for her to be there. Grace isn't deterred, asking whether Tiffany's sure she's okay. They watch each other in the mirror over the sink. Tiffany flinches and says, "Oh, god. Is it even morning here? Isn't it like morning in China?" and busts for the toilet. Grace watches her, and cocks her head when Tiffany turns to face her again. Tiffany fesses up, saying that Grace is a smart kid and would have figured it out anyway. She says that Jake doesn't want to tell anybody yet, and asks Grace not to tell him that she knows. Grace is understandably stunned. She softly repeats, "Pregnant?" Tiffany smiles a yes and then lurches for the toilet again. Grace watches, uncomfortable and uneasy. She finally brings herself to ask, "Are you two, like --" "-- getting married?" Tiffany finishes from the stall, and replies, "Answer cloudy. Ask again later." Grace smiles and says they "used to have one of those." But hold up, here. Didn't Tiffany assure Jake that they're not getting married or anything? Why's she changing her story now? Answer cloudy. Ask again later. Tiffany says that the only reason she told Grace is because she "practically threw up on [her] shoe." Oh, puh-lease. She could have covered that with any number of excuses. They look at each other for a few seconds before Tiffany admits, "And I had to tell somebody, so..." Grace looks absolutely thrilled to be the one. Tiffany asks if she wants to feel the baby. Unless Grace's hands are infused with some kind of ultrasound, I don't see how that's possible, considering Tiffany's tummy doesn't have the slightest bulge yet. Grace just looks at her, justifiably horrified.
Cut to Grace sitting in the passenger seat of Jake's car, staring out the window, silent and freaked. Jake glances at her then stares ahead, bobbing his head resignedly. "She told you, didn't she?" he asks. "Yep," Grace says. Jake turns his head, glancing angrily out his own window. After a second or two he asks Grace, "Don't tell your mother, okay? I need to be the one who does that." Grace asks whether she may tell Zoe. He tells her to wait, just a couple of days. She agrees, but doesn't seem happy about it. They ride on in silence.
Cut to Rick's truck, pulling up outside Lily's place. They kiss again, and he breathes, "I want to stay the night." She thinks that they should tell the kids first. She'll tell them at breakfast, and then he should come for dinner. "So, kids first? Not exes?" Rick asks, just as Jake pulls up, on cue. He pulls his car alongside theirs, so the windows align. Lily not-so-subtly lifts her left hand, chirps, "Almost forgot!" and slides off the ring. How Jake or Grace failed to see that is beyond me. Jake smiles and says he hopes he's not interrupting anything. Lily says a goodnight to both men and finds Grace hopping urgently outside her door as she pushes it open. They head up the walk together, and Jake and Rick bid one another a very amiable goodnight before each man drives away.
Cut to the morning, as the Plucky Guitars of Fun kick things up a notch. Lily offers Zoe more milk for her cereal, as Grace casts her mother a suspicious eye. Lily continues offering breakfast goods to the kids, sounding almost desperate, and Grace points out that she has to leave in two minutes. Lily puts down the milk bottle and announces, "Well, I have some news." Grace looks pained.
Cut to Rick's place, where a parallel scenario is unfolding. "Okay, look, guys, there's something I need to tell you," Rick says. Eli looks up, his spoonful of cereal suspended. Jessie, likewise, freezes.
"Rick and I are talking about getting married." Grace and Zoe stare at Lily, their faces stone. "We are getting married!" Lily exclaims, throwing her arms wide. "We're engaged!" she burbles, just in case they needed that last line translated. Zoe sips her milk and Grace just continues staring with her arms folded. She pastes a wan smile on her face.
"And we thought we should tell you as soon -- well, it only happened last night, but...I mean, we've been thinking this --" "So in other words, you're getting married?" Eli asks. Rick looks from one to the other before answering, "Exactly." On a side note, what does Rick mean, "It only happened last night"? They got engaged the night of the hostage taking, didn't they? So they put the kids to bed, put on their swankies, and hit the town for a night of dinner and dancing? Highly unlikely. I would hope, anyway.
"Well?" Lily asks, looking expectantly from Zoe to Grace. "Well, what?" Grace asks. Lily asks if they're surprised. "Mom. Du-uh!" Zoe teases, her arms folded just like Grace's.
Eli asks whether his band may play the wedding. Rick's no is quick and forceful. Eli pleads that they really need the gig. Rick says he'd like to know how Jessie and Eli really feel. Eli says he really feels like they need the gig. Heh. Except, I can't believe all the kids are taking it this calmly. My mom remarried when I was sixteen, and I bawled like a baby. When they told me, during the ceremony, through the dinner afterward. I'm just saying. This is the most well-adjusted reaction I can imagine, and I can't believe at least one of the kids isn't reacting a little more negatively to the news. Especially since they're mostly adolescents, brimming with hormones and emotions, and going through their "me me me" phase. But I digress.
Lily's going for the hard sell, looking for a more giddy reaction: "So you've been wanting Jessie to move in, and now she will!" Zoe just looks at her, while Grace asks, "They're moving in here?" Her and Zoe's arms are still firmly crossed. Still, no outburst. Their reactions are strangely subdued.
"We're moving in there?" Jessie asks. Rick says at least for a little while, since they can't all "fit in here." Jessie is amazed that they're not getting a new house. Rick says they can't afford it. "Gah. I thought we were getting a new house," Jessie mutters, disappointed.
"Where are they all gonna stay?" Zoe asks, wrinkling her nose. Lily says that everyone will just have to figure it out together.
"So, is it all right if we all have dinner over there tomorrow night? Celebrate?" Rick asks with forced enthusiasm. "Sure," Jessie answers, sounding like ginger ale that's been left out all night. Eli agrees, too, nodding his head and fishing cereal out of his teeth with his tongue. Deflated.
A horn honks outside Manning Manor, and the girls race around grabbing bags -- happy, no doubt, to be rescued. Lily's rambling that she doesn't "want to make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal, isn't it?" Grace assures her that it is. Zoe congratulates her and Grace follows closely behind before they race out the door. Lily watches them, touched, and murmurs, "My girls."
Cut to Lily entering the almost deserted Phil's and looking around, stunned. Tiffany spots her and asks how she is. Lily says she's fine and asks how Tiffany's doing. "Well, that's a good question, isn't it?" Lily quickly tries to say something about the trauma of the hostage situation, but Tiffany's way over that. Tiffany giggles and says she was actually talking about "more recent news." Lily clues in and says she "can't believe the girls already --" Tiffany cuts her off saying it's okay, soon everyone's going to know, and she can't imagine how weird it is for the girls, and she knows it's weird for Jake, and Lily can't imagine how weird it is for Tiffany. Lily jogs her head and narrows her eyes. "Weird for you?" she asks. Tiffany says, "Yeah. Have you ever been in this position before?" Lily looks puzzled and says she has, when she and Jake got married. "Oh my god, this happened to you?" Tiffany asks. Lily is at a loss. "Before you were married?" Tiffany adds. "When we were married," Lily says. Tiffany can't believe that Jake never told her. Lily doesn't understand: "I thought you said the girls told you." "That you were pregnant when you got married?" Tiffany asks. "What?" Lily screeches. They both announce how confused they are and finally sort out that Lily was talking about her engagement and Tiffany was talking about her pregnancy. Wah wah. "You're pregnant!" Lily exclaims in disbelief. Jake interrupts with a chipper, "Hi girls!"
"What is she, twenty-seven?" Lily asks, pacing around the foot of her bed, where Rick is seated, watching her. Well, it's not like Tiffany's seventeen, for Christ's sake. She and Jake aren't exactly candidates for Ricki Lake. Lily wonders what the girls are supposed to think. Rick shuts her up by asking what Lily said to the girls about his staying over for the night. What's that, Lily? You couldn't hear him over the roar of your own raging hypocrisy? She takes a seat to him and says that the girls are fine with it. "Fine," Rick says, as the Plucky Guitars of Fun strike up, just so we know that it won't be fine at all. Oh, what wacky hijinks are we bound for this time? Lily and Rick look at one another, then down at their clothes, and begin routinely, mechanically removing them. Oooh, sexay. Lily moves to the closet and says that Rick can hang his things in there. He says he usually just tosses his things across a chair. What, they've never spent the night together before? Lily emerges from her closet -- the walk-in closet I'd kill for -- just as Rick's gotten down to his boxers. Va-va-voom, baby. They're on the bed forming an airtight liplock in under three seconds.
Cue the tiny knock at the door. "Mom?" Zoe calls. Rick and Lily freeze, then scramble under the covers. Lily tells Zoe to come in, and asks what's up. Zoe ponders for a second before answering that she left her brush on Lily's dresser. She fetches it while Lily and Rick follow her with their eyes. At the door, Zoe pauses with a big grin and sweetly wishes them goodnight. Lily and Rick exhale and laugh uncomfortably, and Rick gestures toward the bathroom, saying, "I'm just gonna use the..."
Giggles erupt on the other side of Lily's door. "Gi-irls!" she calls, "Why don't you both come on in and get it over with? Bring your sleeping bags!" The door flies open and the kids pile in, Zoe claiming that Grace made her do it. Grace denies this vehemently. The toilet flushes, and both girls turn to find Rick standing in the bathroom doorway, in his skivvies, and looking a little nonplussed. He glances down at himself and Grace grins. Lily invites the girls to join her on the bed. Once they're settled, Lily makes the introductions: "Girls, this is Rick in his underwear." Rick modestly raises his arms and forces a tight smile. "Get used to it," Lily advises them. Oh, the sacrifices these kids have to make. I wish Rick were wearing boxer-briefs, though. That, I could get used to. Ahem. Lily tells them to go to bed, and they wish Lily and Rick a goodnight before giggling off to their own rooms. "Having fun yet?" Lily asks, cocking her head. She dashes out of bed just as Rick jumps onto it. He flops around, trying to get comfortable, with no luck, and comments that the bed is really soft. Lily protests that she likes her bed. Rick answers that it's a nice bed, but he doesn't sound like he means it. Lily jokes, "Well, that's okay, because we'll never have sex in it." "What's sex?" Rick asks. They num-num smooch and Lily smiles that she's "so glad [he's] here." He is, too. They snuggle in for the night as we fade to commercials.
We return to find Rick busy in the kitchen, surrounded by the casualties of waffle making. Rick's back is killing him, and Lily assures him they can get a new mattress. Grace flies in with the cordless pressed to her ear. Rick calls out to see if she wants eggs with her waffles. Lily informs him that Grace doesn't eat eggs. Zoe chimes in that Grace doesn't eat waffles, either, but that Zoe does. Rick hands her a plate piled with waffles covered in whipped cream and fresh fruit. Zoe says she doesn't eat nuts, though, so she and Rick pick them out of the whipped cream. Zoe moves off to the table, and Rick turns his attention to Lily's needs. They make a joke about the whipped cream. Ew, not in front of the kids, please. Or me, for that matter. Zoe asks, "Are these papers important?" and gestures at the blueprints blanketing the table. Rick hops to move them out of the way, and Lily suggests that he move them to the dining-room table. Except that it's covered with clothes. So she suggests that Zoe come and eat at the counter. Zoe's happy to comply, but her waffles aren't so cooperative, throwing themselves in protest all over Rick's plans. Zoe feels terrible, but Rick reassures her that he has other copies, he thinks. Lily shoos Zoe off to see whether Grace is off the phone, and then she kisses Rick, saying that she's impressed. "I hope so. It's all I care about, after all," Rick answers. Well, good. That makes two of them.
As they smooch, Jake appears in the kitchen doorway clutching a cup of take-out coffee. He's brought the Plucky Guitars of Fun with him as he startles the two of them, and Lily nearly ends up splayed over the table. She does not look happy to see him. I wonder how long it takes before Jake's spare key gets revoked? Rick asks how Jake is, and Jake phonies that he's just great. He looks around uncomfortably. After a beat, Rick says, "Congratulations, by the way." Jake thanks him, and then says the same back; he raises a toast with his coffee cup, adding, "To all of us." Lily figures out that she can escape the awkwardness by running to get the girls. She abandons Rick, who fills the silence by asking how the restaurant is doing. "Somewhat lonely at the moment," Jake answers a little bitterly, as he and Rick simultaneously reach for the sliced strawberries. Their fingers dance around over the bowl, until Rick gestures for Jake to go ahead and have one. The Plucky Guitars pluck on. "Well, I'm sure that...people will come back," Rick says, not sounding sure at all. "Ab-so-lutely," Jake says, popping a berry in his mouth. They're interrupted by the beeping of the smoke detector, which has certainly been getting a workout these past couple of episodes. Jake chuckles and gestures with his coffee cup, "I think your waffles are burning there." Rick takes his cue and starts bumbling around with the waffle iron.
Grace comes flying into the kitchen just as Rick frees one of the burn victims, and Zoe's right behind her. They hurry Jake out of there as Lily wanders in to kiss them goodbye. Zoe smirks over Lily's shoulder as Rick holds up the charred remains of a waffle, and then she dashes off behind Jake and Grace. Lily collapses against Rick's shoulder in mock exhaustion, and he chuckles and hugs her.
Cut to a computer screen filled with text. "Sange, it's frozen again!" Karen bellows, referring, I guess, to her computer. Although, with Karen, "frozen" could apply to a number of things, couldn't it? She pops up from her desk and moves toward the door to fetch Sange, but Rick gets in her way. He asks if she has a minute, and she sighs that she guesses she does. He stammers and stumbles over his words until he finally blurts out that he and Lily are getting married. Karen freezes (see, I told you) and looks up from her desk. "Oh," she says, and her features shuffle themselves from stunned disbelief to a forced smile. She congratulates him, and asks whether he's told the kids. Rick says that they've talked about it and they're okay with it. "Good," she says with a small smile, then glances around uncomfortably, out of things to say. Rick starts murmuring that he just wanted to let her know, and makes for the door. She thanks him and then stops him in his tracks by asking when he and Lily "are going to do this." She's trying to act unconcerned. He says they're not sure, but his lease is up soon, so they're thinking of moving in together. Karen digests this much as she would a big dry aspirin without water. Her eyes bulge and she raises her eyebrows dubiously. "Into her house?" she asks. Rick cautiously nods, smelling a fight. Karen tucks in her chin and asks, "Well, how does Jessie feel about this?" Rick slowly says that she's fine with it, and that he realizes they'll have to take things slow with her. "Chyeah," Karen duhs. Rick says he really thinks Jessie's fine with it. "Uh huh, okay," Karen says, unconvinced. They both let it drop. He says he should let her get back to work, and she drops into her chair, saying that she's "swamped today." She watches him leave and stares at the empty doorway for a few seconds before shifting her gaze to some distant point, pondering the fact that he's fully and completely moving on.
Cut to Jake sitting at a table at Phil's, hunched over the day's receipts. Tiffany approaches in a swanky cranberry jersey number, and lets him know that he's got three cases of some wine left. He mutters that he may have to drink it himself. "Do you know how many we did for lunch today?" he cringes. Tiffany smiles, unfazed. She reaches out and rubs his shoulder, commenting that he looks tired. Yeah, well, watching your business swirl around the toilet bowl takes a lot out of a person. He says he's going home soon, anyway. This prompts Tiffany to bring up something that's been bothering her: what exactly are their arrangements now? Like, when he goes home, should she go with him? Is she even welcome? "You can come," Jake says, but it's more of an unvitation. She asks if he wants her to, though. "Yes!" Jake insists. If she can't figure out that his tone is completely forced and insincere, this girl is more clueless than I thought. And, she is. She smiles and says she's glad, and then leans in to kiss him. She starts walking toward the kitchen, but stops a few feet from Jake and spins around excitedly, saying she keeps forgetting to tell him that she booked the obstetrician's appointment for Thursday, and that it's their "first big visit!" She clutches her belly and bounces as she says this. "Great," Jake clenches, trying so hard to sound enthusiastic. And failing miserably. Good thing it's Tiffany he's dealing with. She practically skips off to the kitchen as Jake closes his eyes, sighs dejectedly, and slumps over the table.
Cut to Manning Manor. Grace is carrying a stack of dishes to the dining room, and complains that she can't set the table because it's covered in papers. Rick's papers. Lily comes in with a stack of placemats, and stares at the table, thwarted. Rick breezes in, asking, "What's wrong?" Lily says that they're just trying to set the table. "Oh, I thought I was supposed to work here," Rick says mildly, spreading out yet another plan. He adds that he thought that's why she moved all the clothing. She puts her hands on her hips and informs him, "No, I moved the clothing so we could eat here." Rick rolls up his plans and says, "Oh. Okay. I'll just find somewhere else for all this stuff." Yeah, yeah. But not in the living room, bedroom, laundry room, or kitchen, okay? Oh, and not in the bathroom, either. Other than that, make yourself right at home.
Cut to everyone seated around the table, which is covered with enough food to feed a small Third World nation. Jesus, Lily, overcompensate, much? They pass a platter of chicken pieces along the table, the clattering dishes emphasizing the absence of conversation. "Did everybody get a yam?" Lily asks eagerly. Eli and Grace just look at her, while Jessie bites her lip and closes her eyes, as if suppressing a scream. "Why did I make yams?" Soliloquy Lily wonders, "Nobody likes yams." Back at the table, she looks down, wondering how she could be so stupid, stupid, stupid. Rick pipes up like a good shiny boy, "I love yams!" "I hate yams!" Soliloquy Rick immediately argues. Lily smiles at him and sends the heaping dish of mashed yams his way. Eli devours his drumstick like a wild man, which Grace observes, disgusted. I think Eli's been spending too much time with a certain ill-mannered young she-devil, don't you? Seriously, he's going to choke on a bone the way he's hoovering that thing. Grace looks at him again, this time a little fearfully, as if he could at any minute turn and start gnawing on her. Soliloquy Grace says, "I'm still not clear on where he's gonna sleep. That hasn't been made clear to me." Her eyes are wide and slightly wild. Wow. Imagine how freaky it would be to have your secret high-school crush move into your house and share a bathroom and see your dirty underwear in the laundry pile. Zoe stares at Jessie, who turns and catches her. Jessie smiles uncomfortably and looks down at her plate. Soliloquy Jessie gripes, "So now I'm going to have three more people sitting there, staring at me at every meal to see if I'm eating. Great." She smiles bitterly. Eli sucks the chicken grease off his thumbs, and then Soliloquy Eli complains, "The house smells like camels." What? "You know, aromatherapy stuff." Oh, candles. He pauses for a second, trying to pin down exactly what's bothering him. "It smells like...[grimacing]...women." Zoe sits at the table surveying everything and everyone with a tiny triumphant smirk. Soliloquy Zoe then confides, "I don't care. In fact, I might even get bunkbeds out of the deal." She smiles shrewdly. I love this kid. I am concerned, though, to note that the barrette affliction that plagued Grace for all those months seems to be contagious and Zoe's come down with a raging case of parted-down-the-middle-clamped-to-the-sides. The poor kid.
After dinner, Lily and Rick herd the offspring upstairs, telling them to evaluate the rooms and try to come up with ideas on how to make everyone comfortable. Lily tells them just to think of "the possibilities," as in nothing's carved in stone, and then she apologizes because some of the rooms need paint. Rick, looking like Ward Cleaver in his cardigan, throws up his arms and busts out, "Hey! We could have a painting day!" Zoe is the only one who thinks that sounds like fun.
The first room they hit is Zoe's, which is the bigger of the two kids' rooms. They're targeting it for Jessie. Lily points out that it's big enough for two beds. Then Rick says the magic words, "Maybe even bunk beds." Aw, swell! Just like on The Brady Bunch! Jessie tries to maintain, saying, "Shouldn't it be Zoe's decision?" in this strange high-pitched voice. Zoe opines that she thinks bunkbeds are cool. Then she asks what Jessie thinks. Jessie thinks she'd like to eat her own face, but she just forces a smile and a phony "yeah." With that settled, Lily leads the tour to its stop: Grace's room. She's about to throw open the door, but Grace self-consciously throws herself in the way, telling Lily not to go in. And really, I don't see why anybody needs to anyway, since Jessie's bunking with Zoe, and Grace's room is the smaller one anyway. Oh wait: Eli. "I'm sharing the small room with Grace?" he asks with a suggestive grin. "Very funny," Grace retorts, but you know her stomach is flipping. Rick tells Eli that they figured they'd convert the garage for him. "So that you'll really have your own space," Lily adds with a warm smile, just so he doesn't think they're bundling him off with all the old newspapers and other useless junk. "Uh...great," Eli forces, along with his grin. ["I wish I had a converted garage of my own now. When I was seventeen, I'd have plotzed at an offer like that." -- Wing Chun] on the tour is Lily's and Rick's room. With everyone still gathered around them, Rick says, "Lil, I was thinking, since I get up so much in the night --" "You do?" Grace asks with wrinkled nose. Rick says he does, and continues saying that he figured he'd set up his drafting table in the living room, where her computer is now. That way he could work without waking her up. Lily struggles to keep her voice light, asking, "And where would my desk go?" Rick scrambles into action, gesturing toward a space in front of the bedroom fireplace. Zoe thinks he's crazy, apparently. "Well, do you use the fireplace?" Rick sweats. Lily's eyes are sporting daggers, but she sweetly answers, "No." Rick smiles, relieved, and says it's just one idea. The kids shuffle awkwardly in the background.
Cut to Rick in the passenger seat of his truck. Eli's driving, and Jessie's in the back seat, positioned so that she can see Eli's face in the rearview mirror. "I'm not going to share a bunkbed with a ten-year-old," she announces. Eli chimes in that Rick doesn't have to worry about converting the garage or anything, since Eli's not going to live there. He says it matter-of-factly, without any hint of a tantrum, and adds that he'll just get a place of his own or live with Karen. "Yeah, me too," Jessie says. "Listen, guys, we can make this work. I just need your help, okay? Will you stick with me?" Rick pleads. Eli glances at Jessie in the rearview mirror. She shoots back a guilty glance. No one says anything.
Cut to Lily on the phone, teasing Rick for bringing up bunkbeds. She asks what he was thinking. Rick says he wasn't thinking; he "was in fear for [his] life." Lily says she thought it went okay, overall, and he asks what she thinks of the desk idea. She hedges that "it's pretty big to fit in the room." He says they could try it and see, to which she further hedges that moving it all the way up the stairs, if it even fit on the staircase, would be so much work and it's so heavy, and if it didn't fit, it would all be for nothing. Rick tells her to let him worry about it, and St. Lily martyrs that it doesn't matter, she "can work anywhere." After a beat, she mutters, "I guess." Rick starts to cave, so she says they can try it. Or think about it. She says she has to go so that she can make room for him in her "ahmwah." Her French accent, she is not so good. Rick offhandedly says that they definitely need to get a bigger one, and Lily declares that she likes that ahmwah. Oh, grow up you two. They say goodnight, each with reservations sprouting in their mind.
After commercials, the Plucky Guitars of Fun are back, as Rick unloads his drafting table and stool from the back of his truck. He carts them up to the house, but gets stuck in the doorway. As he wrenches the stool free, he jerks the drafting table, which releases the collapsible legs and causes the table to become lodged in the doorway. Slapstick. Spencer and Grace pop up on the porch behind him. Grace asks whether the table's coming in or going out, and laughs. Spencer decides that it's a really convenient time to stick out his hand and wait for a shake. Rick struggles to free one of his hands and grips Spencer's, asking how it's "going with the whole...uh..." Spencer figures out that Rick's referring to the silly old ancient-history hostage taking and says it's fine. Then he and Grace laugh about the trauma counseling they're forced to endure. Call me crazy, but there's a whiff of something unhealthy here, in how well they're dealing with everything. I see some kind of mental breakdown in Grace's future. Rick fights with the legs of his drafting table, refusing Spencer's offer to help, but Spencer ignores him and gets in there anyway, managing to collapse the legs and carry off the table. Not before clipping Rick in the nuts with the corner, though. More slapstick. Grace pats his shoulder sympathetically, then moves into the foyer, depositing her placards on the bench. When Rick manages to straighten up, he spots the signs -- which say, "Down With Atlantor" -- and stops dead. Ah, home sweet home, eh Rick? He grits his teeth.
Cut to Rick surprising Lily with the new arrangement of her desk and computer in the bedroom. She says it looks better than she thought, and asks what he did with the exercise bike. He tells her it's in the bathroom, for now, and heads off to show her something else. Lily rolls her eyes in displeasure and heads to the bathroom, though, just to see for herself the outrage that is her LifeCycle alongside the potty. Rick keeps talking, saying that they can put the bike back in the bedroom if they just... He's busy piling a footstool onto an armchair and is about to drag them out of the way when Lily returns and shrills, "No!" Rick freezes. Lily unclenches. She lowers her voice and stammers that she can't start moving stuff around; she has to think it out and picture it in her head first. Rick doesn't understand why it's a problem for him just to show her what he means. She feng shuis that moving even one little thing throws off the balance of the room. Rick accepts that and turns his attention back to the computer problem, suggesting that Lily get a computer table rather than the big bulky desk she has now. "Oh, so no desk," she bitches, while trying to sound reasonable and open-minded. After a couple of sentences, though, she gives up any pretense and blows out of the room, offended at the thought of having to give up anything. ["In fairness to Lily, it is a really nice desk. But this whole storyline is ludicrous because that house is fucking huge." -- Wing Chun]
Cut to Lily complaining to Judy at the bookstore. She whines that she feels like she's "moving in with [her] maiden aunt, and suddenly [they're] discussing bathroom habits." She further bitches that it's not what she expected. Right, because reality involves Lily compromising. She claims that she didn't expect it to be the two of them "lying around [her] living room in front of the fireplace, eating shrimp, and drinking champagne," and Judy points out that Lily never uses that fireplace. And I'd like to point out that the ease with which Lily spouted that little dream, and the fondness which she clearly feels for it, suggest that it is, in fact, what she was expecting. At least to a degree. And she should know better, really. She's forty, divorced, with two kids. She should know how pretty life isn't, by now. Anyway, Judy further rubs it in, distractedly warning, "Wait 'til he forgets to buy the toilet paper." Lily claims that she knows she's being petty, and on the one hand she doesn't care where her computer goes. Judy interrupts to ask what Lily's doing. Lily replies that she's paying for her book. Judy won't have any of that, and then tells Lily that she's "just scared, that's all. Now it's real. You're becoming a family. It's natural to mourn the fact that your time alone together, when you could actually have sex, will --" Lily holds up a hand urgently to silence Judy. Judy trails off, and Lily spills that Jake is having a baby. How the hell did that slip her mind until now? Dude, I'd have been on the phone the second I left that restaurant. ["Word." -- Wing Chun] Judy is in disbelief. "The child mom," Lily says scornfully. Oh, let go of the age thing, already. Twenty-seven isn't exactly young for childbirth. Lily says she just can't believe that Jake would want another child. I don't think it matters what Jake wants, though, does it? Judy's reeling, sputtering about children having babies, and if children can have babies that means someone her age could have three babies. Four, even. Lily looks sympathetic, especially when Judy wonders, "Why do I feel like I'm living in an ashram?" Lily patronizes Judy, saying that she has "such a full life." "Yes, just fascinating," Judy bitterly agrees. You know, if ever there was anyone in serious need of a good Gluck...
Soliloquy Lily's waving her hands around and grousing, "Could the people I love be any more unhappy that I'm getting married?" Lily compares it to when she told people she was engaged to Jake, and they treated her like a queen. Oh my god. She's kvetching about the lack of enthusiasm shown by teenage kids and a woman who's terribly lonely and hasn't even been married once. Lily complains that she feels like she's spreading mad cow disease. Oh, shut up, Me-me McSelfish. And turn in your tiara when you leave. Your prom queen gig ended, oh, twenty-odd years ago.
Cut to Jake and Tiffany at the obstetrician's office. Tiffany's stretched out on the table, awaiting her ultrasound, while the doctor babbles pleasantly about everything Tiffany has to look forward to. Sure, doc. My friend just had a kid two weeks ago, so I know what Tiffany's got to "look forward to." I'll skip it for the blissfully unaware, but those of you who know what I'm talking about, cross your legs if you're with me. Then again, they're probably already crossed. Anyway, Jake looks like he's waiting for a root canal instead of the first glimpse of his new kid. The doctor spreads the gel over Tiffany' belly and says if they're lucky, they might be able to see the heartbeat. It's too soon to hear it. The little 'un pops up on the monitor, and Tiffany laughs excitedly, while Jake bolts upright in his chair as if receiving an electric prod to the ass. The doctor points to the heart and chirps, "Say hello to your bay-bee!" Tiffany laughs again, but Jake just gulps, wide-eyed. A heartbeat thuds in the background, and since we know it's not the babe's, I think it's the sound of the father-to-be registering his fate. He tunes out the doctor as the heartbeat swells, and he takes a deep, shuddering breath.
Cut to Manning Manor, where Jake has again let himself in the front door, calling for the girls. Rick meets him and says that Lily took them to the mall, but they should be back soon. Rick asks how he's doing, and Jake caustically answers, "Oh, I'm just great. How are you?" Rick pauses a moment then answers he's "just great...too." Jake shrugs off his coat and tells Rick not to let him get in his way. "I'll just wander around and look for things to steal," Jake jokes. He flops into a chair as Rick asks when the baby's due. Jake answers that he doesn't know; he's forgotten how to do the math. Rick takes a seat on the stairs and places his beer bottle (yes he's drinking, folks) on the floor as Jake says, "Brave new world. When's the wedding?" Rick smiles, "I haven't done the math," and they both laugh in a strange type of release. Jake says, "Well, she's a nice girl. Lily, I mean. [beat] So's Tiffany, of course." "Yeah, she is," Rick says earnestly. Jake says it's good that Rick's "making an honest woman" of Lily, and that "she likes being married." Rick digests this news with a half smile. Jake fires off, "You gonna have another kid?" and Rick literally recoils. He struggles to regain his composure for a second before saying that he doesn't know. He takes his beer and stands up. He asks whether Jake's ready for the midnight feedings and all the other crap, and Jake quite honestly answers that that stuff doesn't bother him. He starts to say what it is that bothers him, but catches himself. Rick watches him thoughtfully then rescues him, saying, "Well, that's good." He moves to the couch opposite Jake and settles on the arm. Jake notices the window to his left and comments that he always wanted to put a bay window there, but he was leery to undertake it for structural reasons. Rick is struck, agreeing that it would be a really good idea, and he informs Jake that the old houses were often built with structural allowances for those types of renovations. Uh-oh. I think this little male bonding thing is about to get them in some trouble. Jake suggests they find out that window's story, and devilishly wiggles his eyebrows.
thing you know, Rick and Jake are hauling out the hammer and stepladder and getting down to business. Jake hops up and wrenches the curtain rod out of the way, while Rick taps along the wall, looking for...well, whatever it is he's looking for. Hey, don't ask me. I don't even go to Home Depot. Jake bypasses the careful tapping step and goes right for the hammer-through-the-wall approach. Oh my. Lily is going to drop something warm and wet all over the hardwood floors when she sees this. And surprise surprise, there she is, right on cue. She enters the house chatting happily with the girls, until she's distracting by the hammering in the living room. "What are you doing?" she demands. Jake looks like a naughty little boy, and tries to explain that they were looking into putting in a bay window. Rick backs him up, saying that they could definitely use more light. He's interrupted by the crashing of the curtain rod to the floor. Lily glares at them, turns on her heel, and storms upstairs. Rick scrambles after her, and Jake looks at the instrument of destruction still in his hand and gravely says, "Uh oh."
Cut to Lily's bedroom, where she's good and steaming. Rick softly enters and says, "Okay, maybe I should've asked before I put a hole in the wall." "Maybe," she snaps. He asks if that's what she's mad about. She flies over to the desk and snarks that it's too big for the room. "Okay," Rick says. She clamps her hands on her hips and demands, "Okay, what do we do about it?" "Lil," he pleads. Lily gripes that Rick's "making all these decisions, and yes, it's going to be [his] house, but it doesn't feel like [her] house anymore." She asks if she's supposed to sit back and let "the man" make all the decisions, and tells him to let her know what role he wants her to play. Rick turns and silently starts slipping out the door. "What are you doing?" she bitches. He says he's leaving. "It's what you want, isn't it?" She snaps that it isn't and says, "Please, I'm trying to figure out what all this means." He tells her that since he's come into the house, he's felt "like an alien," adding, "There's not a thing I've done or said the whole time I'm here that hasn't caused a reaction like I'm, I'm, I'm...imposing, an intruder." She tells him that he is imposing. Rick looks stunned. "Not all the time," she adds, like that's supposed to make him feel better. Rick says he doesn't know how to make it work, that he feels like "everything leads to disaster." She tells him it's not that bad. He sighs and looks sad, shaking his head a bit before saying, "I don't understand." Lily says that she doesn't either. Rick says he doesn't think he should spend the night and asks if she agrees. She shrugs and says she doesn't know. "Yeah you do," he says softly before walking out. He pops back in to say he'll call tomorrow. Lily sinks down on the bed and stares off, sad and heavy.
After commercials, we find Lily brooding in the living room, curled up on the couch with a cup of tea. Jake and the girls spill in the front door, giggling. The girls spot her and ask if she's okay. Lily asks how dinner was. Grace, still laughing, says, "Great," and waits for Zoe to deliver the punch line, "We had waffles." They bust out in another fit of hysteria. Now they're just being mean, and I get the feeling they've been laughing at poor Rick with Jake. Lily doesn't crack a smile but wearily tells them they need to get ready for bed. Before going, Zoe leans in and asks if they can have waffles for breakfast. At least Grace knows the joke's gone too far, and she tells Zoe to get going. Jake surveys the window and apologizes for the mess. Lily waves her hand distractedly and says it's fine. He notices that she's all curled up and asks if she's sick. She says she's not, she's "just a wounded animal." Jake says, "Sorry," and slumps onto an ottoman with a heavy sigh, musing, "Life is a large and unpredictable, unmanageable..." Lily ruefully tells him to stop right there. Jake says they used to be on "the same boat" but now he "just sees [her] running lights disappearing off in the distance." Lily looks at the back of his head and asks if he's happy. "Well, that's the question, isn't it?" Jake says, turning to face her. He ponders for a few seconds before answering, "Not as much as I once was." Lily is a little taken aback and touched, but manages a thank you. Jake turns the question back on her. She says that if he'd asked a couple of days ago, she'd know the answer without even having to think about it. Jake surveys her face for a second, then leans in and says, "I think he's a good guy." Lily chuckles a little and smiles, saying, "I don't know what to do with that information." Jake hauls himself up off the ottoman and pats her arm as he heads for the door, saying, "Just...have it." He spreads his arms grandly and adds, "Maybe by tomorrow, everything will be better." Lily asks the question that's been on all our minds, "When did you get nice?" Strolling to the door, he tosses out, "I try to hide it best I can." She leans over the couch and looks toward the front door, then calls out a soft, "'Night, Jake." The door closes.
Cut to Karen's front door, the morning. Jessie barrels out the door with Karen in hot pursuit, still pulling the rollers out of her hair. She reminds Jessie about her permission slip. Rick does some weird robotic voice thing about permission slips that I think is meant to be funny, but Jessie says it best when she says, "You're so weird, Dad." Rick climbs into the truck to her and Jessie asks when they're going to move in. "Not today. I can tell you that," he answers. Jessie's face lights up: "You guys had a fight." Rick tells her not to sound so hopeful. "Just let me know so I can pack," she says, resigned. Rick says he knows how she feels. She tells him that "saying that should be against the law." Rick relents, saying that she's right, and that he's just guessing how she feels based on how he feels. "How do you feel?" she asks. Rick sighs and, shaking his head, answers, "Like the house is full already. Like there's no place, not even a corner, that's mine, that'll ever feel like mine." Jessie looks at him earnestly and asks why they're doing it, then.
Cut to Zoe, Grace, and Lily hanging out on Lily's bed. Zoe's flopped out on her stomach as Lily brushes her hair. Zoe sadly asks whether this means the wedding is off. Grace laughingly informs her, "He wouldn't have kept making those waffles, trust me." So, Zoe did appreciate that. Well, that's good. Zoe confesses that part of her wants it to be off, but she doesn't want it to be her fault. Lily tells her it wouldn't be her fault. "Yeah, don't I get any credit?" Grace asks, "I'm the one who's against his stupid project." Zoe says, "I just wanted my room." Lily says she knows and adds that she kind of wanted her own room, too. This comment elicits a sidelong glance from Grace. Grace asks why he has to move in, then, claiming that there are lots of married couples these days who live in separate houses. Yes, but they generally live in different cities, and it's usually because of their jobs, not because they don't want to share the bathroom. Oh, and Grace offers up Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir as an example of one such "modern" couple. Zoe asks who they are, and Grace jokes that they're on Survivor. What the hell is ABC doing plugging another network's blockbuster? Anyway, Zoe doesn't realize that Grace is pulling her leg and says that she'd hate to be on Survivor: "To be in some strange place where you can't trust anybody and nobody wants you there." Lily pauses from brushing Zoe's hair and looks thoughtful. Oh, brother. Maybe she's just waiting to see where the anvil's going to fall. Satisfied they're not in danger, Lily muses, "Kind of like how Rick and his kids must've felt here." Grace and Zoe look at her.
Cut to Jake locking up the restaurant for the night. Tiffany emerges as he's shuffling papers into his briefcase and asks, "Should we take one car or two?" Jake continues shuffling papers. She asks if he's okay. He closes up the case and says yeah. He then leans wearily on the bar, looks at her, and says, "How about if we take two cars? You know, and we each go home tonight?" Tiffany tries to look undisturbed and says it's "cool." Jake hangs his head and rubs his eyes. "Come on, Jake. What it is?" Tiffany demands. She tells him just to say it; she can't "stand looking at [his] face all twisted up." Jake blurts, "I can't do it." Tiffany's smile freezes. "You can't," she says softly. "I will be this baby's father," Jake tells her, "I mean, everything -- money...I just, I can't, I can't be with you and this baby in some instant family." Tiffany lowers her eyes and paces a few steps, saying that it won't be "instant, you know. I mean, it's gonna take seven more months." Jake assures her that he's not going anywhere; he's not running away. Tiffany rolls her eyes. Jake watches her doubtful reaction and strides away, muttering, "Whatever." "What. Ev-er," she repeats. She looks sad, but sucks it up and turns to face him, saying, "Okay." Jake apologizes, and Tiffany suggests that maybe he's just scared, and that when the baby comes...Jake's look says otherwise. I think it's more like Jake's realizing that having a young-ass girlfriend is only fun when there are no adult consequences to deal with. She was meant to distract him from those things, not add to them. Jake stares at his feet for a moment or two and then looks back at Tiffany, saying, "I think it'd be really unfair for me to lead you to believe that that would happen." Tiffany swallows hard and fights off the tears, insisting, "Well, you're not a psychic." She finds a smile and adds, "You don't know the future."
Cut to Rick's truck. Lily bounds up to the passenger side and hops in. I guess they're outside her place, because she gestures and says he could've come in. Rick says he thought they should meet in "neutral territory." They sit and look at each other until Lily finally blurts, "I hate this." She suggests they just "live in the car." But then you'll just fight over the radio and heat controls and glove compartment. Rick says that they're just scared and suffering from "buyer's remorse." "Do you want to return me?" Lily asks, uncertainty making her voice uncomfortably high. Rick lobs the question right back at her. Her face softens, but she doesn't say anything. After a beat, Rick says he "came to apologize, but [he] doesn't think [he's] going to do any better." Lily says, "I think we should make it a goal...to be as petty, annoying, unwelcoming, invading, horrible, and selfish as possible." Huh. I think we know who'll win this little challenge, hands down. Hell, she wins it when she's not even trying. But I guess she's being facetious, and Rick seems to enjoy the suggestion. By Lily's calculations, if they'd just done that all along, they'd be happy right now. Then she turns serious and says she's not going to lose Rick. He sighs with relief and asks, "You mean I can breathe?" They dive in for a big, clutchy smooch, and after a few seconds, Rick grabs Lily's hand, and peels away the glove to see if she's still wearing the ring. She is. They smile and devour one another's tonsils some more.
Fade into the living room. It's daytime, so I assume it's the day. All the kids are gathered, and hey, they must've adopted a little Austrian girl, too. Oh no, it's just Grace. The spindly little braids threw me. Anyway, Grace asks whether they're really having a family meeting. Lily gravely assures her that it's true, all right. "Oooh," Grace mock shudders. Zoe wants to know what they're meeting about. Rick says they're "meeting about being a family." He says that if they're going to be a family -- "and [they] are!" -- then things "are gonna get a little messy." He takes a seat to Lily. He tells them that they don't want them to think of the house as a house. They want them to think of it as a prison. Oh, they're clever. If my stepdad had ever told me that about my home, he'd have been flat on his ass, let me tell you. Okay, so the house is a prison. Check. That gets everyone's attention. "Excuse me?" Zoe says. Lily says that's right, and she and Rick are the wardens. What about Alice? I mean, I know she's just the housekeeper, but she's practically family and...oh, wait. Wrong show. Rick chimes in that the kids "didn't even do the crime that gotcha here. Your parents did. Well, sorry." Lily adds that while they can't leave, they're free to voice whatever complaint they want. Grace doesn't see the point, since it won't change anything. Lily says that it might change the way they feel. Jessie's quick to point out, "You can't tell people what to feel." Rick agrees, and says they're just telling them to express themselves. Eli's dubious: "You want us to say bad things about moving in together?" Lily: "Yes, if that's the way you feel." Zoe pipes up that she still wants bunk beds. Lily: "Jess?" Jessie says, "I really don't. And, I really don't want to share a room, either." Zoe casts a defensive look her way and quickly retorts, "Well, neither do I." Rick says that he doesn't, either. "Neither does he," Lily quips. Lily points out that Grace is heading to college in two years, so that they won't have to share a room forever. Grace looks like her wheels are turning. Jessie excitedly realizes that she'll be leaving the year after that, too. "So, we're really only talking about two or three years, and then we're all gone anyway," Grace says, warming to the idea. Zoe pipes up that she'll still be there. Grace continues, "On the other hand, two years can be a very long time." Eli says, "Yeah, well, these two minutes have been a very long time." The kids start talking about Lily and Rick as though they're not there anymore -- how they think that making them talk about all this stuff will make automatically make everyone feel better. After a few more comments, Lily starts to speak on her and Rick's behalf, but they cut her off, reminding her that she wanted to hear how they felt. "Well, I think family meetings are really stupid," Grace opines. Eli seconds it. Rick says, "Well, tough, because that's what we're doing. Even if we have to sit here and be silent." Zoe raises her hand a little and says, "I have trouble being silent." God, I love that kid. Lily slaps her hands on her knees and stands up, about to say something more. Grace cuts Lily off, tabling a motion to adjourn. Eli seconds it and Zoe and Jessie quickly carry it. They are outta there.
The kids head to the kitchen en masse, still complaining about the parentals and unwittingly bonding just like Lily and Rick had planned all along. Sneaky devils. Grace pops back in with a finger raised and facetiously says, "And don't think this means we like each other." Jessie's right there with her, agreeing, "Yeah, that'll be the day." They disappear into the kitchen together, laughing. Rick and Lily smile triumphantly at one another and then slide one another an inconspicuous low five before grabbing hands.
There, now. Aren't your cockles nice and toasty?