The show opens with Lily in the living room working away at the computer. She jumps when she hears the front door open, and Grace and Carla come giggling into the house. She makes a mad dash for a couple of grocery bags, which are perched on a chair near the foyer, and rummages briefly through them. She doesn't find what she's looking for before the girls pass, though, so she just turns her back and guards the bags while she waits for them to move the hell along. Grace notices her watching them and snaps, "What?" by way of hello. "Hi!" Lily answers, a little too exuberantly. Grace snarks a hello, and the girls move toward the kitchen. Lily gives a panicked, cursory glance at the bags and then scrambles for the dining room table, where she rifles through her purse. Nothing. She glances toward the kitchen, where we can hear the girls talking. Lily sees an opportunity to break for the kitchen, but Carla moves toward the fridge and kills Lily's chance. When the giddy adolescents have finally finished raiding the fridge, Lily makes her mad dash for the kitchen, where she snatches a pregnancy test off the counter.
What? She leaves the rest of the groceries in the bags and pulls out the one thing she doesn't want anyone to find and plunks it down in the most open and communal spot in the house? Nice planning, that.
Anyway, she clutches the test to her stomach and oozes relief all over the kitchen floor.
Cue the Soliloquy Stool, where Lily's already settled with her chin in her hands. She's smiling, but it looks more like the unhinged grin of a lunatic. "Help!" she sort of laughs, with a catch in her throat. Wow, am I high, or is Lily actually putting on a brave front?
Lily's sense of relief in the kitchen is short-lived, as Judy and Zoe come bursting through the back door with even more groceries. She quickly hides the test behind her back as they start unloading boxes of stuff on the counter. Judy makes some quip about the problem with buying in bulk ("…is that you buy in bulk") while Zoe complains that the problem with "eating these fish is that you can't stop." She's referring to some sort of gummy fish-shaped confection. Lily suggests that Zoe go upstairs and brush her teeth, and I'm certain the directive has more to do with the fact that she wants little eyes and ears to be out of range when she pulls the test out of hiding than it does with her concern for oral hygiene. Judy starts putting away the groceries while Lily dances around and tries to keep the test away from her. She tries, unsuccessfully, to get rid of Judy, who in turn wants to know what Lily's hiding. Lily plays dumb. Judy points out that Lily hid something in her pants when they walked in. Bu-huh-sted! Lily knows the jig is up and pulls the big secret from behind her back. "You're pregnant?" Judy says, wide-eyed. Now, if Lily knew that, she wouldn't need the test, now, would she? Lily says that she's "late." Judy suggests that maybe Lily's just "stressed." Lily pooh-poohs that notion, wearily saying that she's "always been stressed, but [she's] never been late." Judy sort of almost suggests that it could be menopause, but Lily gets offended and ixnays that idea fast. Judy asks whether Rick knows, and Lily says that he doesn't.
Their conversation is interrupted by Grace and Carla, who come bounding into the kitchen to inform Lily that they're "leaving now." Judy has the unmitigated nerve to ask where they're going. "Out," Carla grates, snapping her gum and leveling Judy with a snotty look. Grace supplies that they're heading to a pep rally. Wow, we never had pep rallies at my high school. Probably because the only thing anyone ever got pepped about was the arrival of the latest batch of hash or B.C. Skunk. Judy seems surprised to hear that's where they're going, and Carla, laughing like the baboon she is, says they're going to "laugh at people." Grace asks whether Lily can pick them up, but she has to repeat herself before she gets an answer because Lily's lost in la-la land. Or Lily land. Same difference. Carla, meanwhile, has started eating something, and for the benefit of the rapidly expanding anti-Carla contingent, I'd just like to point out that she chews obnoxiously with her mouth open. Who's surprised? A horn honks outside, and the girls make their move. Carla makes sure to grab a couple more of whatever she's eating (the gummy fish?) before she swings out. Judy calls out that it was nice to meet her, and Carla, without bothering to turn around, responds with a dismissively raised hand and a "later." Judy turns to Lily and, in one of her finest moments yet, declares stonily, "I do not like her." Across the nation, spontaneous whoops and cheers erupt, as members of the Anti-Wannabe League leap from their couches dispensing high fives, raising their glasses, and scaring their cats into hiding. Or maybe that was just me.
We cut to Eli, brooding in front of a mirror and contemplating what appears to be a tube of hair mascara. Jessie creeps up behind and asks if he's going to color his hair. Embarrassed, Eli snaps that he's not. Rick appears at Eli's door with a hamper of laundry, announcing that if they're ready, he'll drop them at the pep rally. Jessie eagerly asks whether Eli had heard that one of the cheerleaders got mono so the squad had to find a last-minute replacement. He's not impressed, and warns Jessie not to try out for the cheerleading team because "it's so mindless." This from the mental giant who so obviously did not see Bring it On. Jessie snaps that she's not going to, and Rick, ever eager to step into the role of lame-o parent, voices that he thinks Jessie'd "make a cute cheerleader, especially now that [she's] got [her] braces off." Jessie is suitably offended and leaves with an exasperated, "Dad!" Rick starts to apologize about missing the pep rally, but Eli interrupts him because he really couldn't care less and he thinks pep rallies are "stupid and shallow anyways." Rick's stuck in rah-rah mode, but his enthusiasm for basketball isn't contagious. Eli's clearly not interested in discussing the upcoming game, or his team's chances, or anything else that Rick's talking about. Eli finishes broodily packing his bag and huffs out to find Jessie because they're going to be late. Rick is left sitting bewildered on Eli's bed.
Cut to Lily racing to answer her front door -- but not before checking her hair in the foyer mirror, of course. Rick comes in laden with bags of Chinese takeout as Judy and Zoe come bounding down the stairs. Rick invites them to share dinner, but Lily gives Judy the neck-clenched "cheese it" look over his shoulder. The clueless gene skipped Judy somehow, so she takes the hint, saying that she and Zoe are going out for burgers. Zoe is overjoyed at the prospect of "double whammies."
As Lily and Rick start chowing down, she stops herself, puts down the takeout container, and says, "Okay, I'm just going to say it." Rick crunches noisily while Lily stammers and sputters, "It's probably nothing…making such a big deal of it…" and then finally mutters, "I should probably not even involve you in it." Rick wants to know what she's talking about, so she just outs with it: "I'm late." "For what?" Rick asks. "As in, I'm never late," Lily says slowly. Rick stares, his chopsticks suspended, his mouth agape. He wants to know how late she is. About a week. Something goes down Lily's windpipe, and she starts choking. Rick hammers her back while Lily gasps for air and then finally squeaks that she's fine. Rick keeps pounding. She said she's fine! Rick returns to the subject at hand, trying to reassure her, and himself too, that a week is nothing to worry about. Lily insists that she's never late. Rick protests that they always use "precautions." Lily points out that nothing is a hundred percent. "That's what I keep telling Eli," Rick mutters to himself. The weight of the situation finally sinks in, and Rick sinks to his chair. He forces a smile and notes that "this is a real surprise." Lily watches him. "You look horrified," she observes. He quickly says that he looks "surprised." Lily looks at him for a minute, snatches the takeout bag off the table, and says, "Well. Obviously I didn't expect you to be overjoyed." In his defense, Rick says that they don't even know if she's actually pregnant, so he's not having a real reaction. She counters that he is -- he's reacting to the possibility. Rick asks why he can't stay calm until they know for sure. "You're calm?" Lily asks skeptically. Rick stammers out a question about tests, and Lily goes to the drawer, answering that it will tell them, "very calmly," whether or not everything is about to change. Rick asks if she's taken it. She gives him an eye-roll and says, "Of course not!" Rick hesitantly asks when she's going to…She cuts him off to say in the morning. Rick's quick to acquiesce. Lily asks if she should do it now, wondering if she can, and generally acting lost. Rick, still in his chair, rubs his brow and looks like he's trying to keep a handle on it. He takes a breath, pushes himself out of the chair, and says that it involves him too, and they're going to do the test together, right now. Lily marches toward the stairs, and he follows, asking if she wants him to…What? Hold the cup? She tells him no and leaves him at the bottom of the stairs. Bass drums kick in, no doubt echoing the major heart-pounding going on in both their chests.
Oh, actually, it's a lead-in to the scene: the pep rally. The camera pans over the band as the horns kick in, and the cheerleaders start running into the gym. It continues panning up the rafters, past giant green foam fingers, pennants, and the cheering masses until it settles on Carla and Grace camped out near the top where they're jeering heartily. Wannabe snidely suggests that they start the wave. She ignores Grace's protests and laughs at everyone who follows her lead, contemptuously calling them "lemmings." Ri-ight. And not two seconds ago, she ordered Grace to follow her lead like a…oh, I don't know…lemming? And again, she's chewing her fucking gum like the most baleful cow in the herd. Pssst…Wannabe Jolie…chewing your gum like that doesn't make your lips look any bigger so give it the fuck up already. Carla spots Jessie sitting several rows down and points her out to Grace. "What's her name again?" Wannabe asks. When Grace supplies it, Wannabe immediately calls Jessie and invites her to sit with them. Wow, she's about as sensitive as a rock, that girl. Jessie's a little taken aback, but joins them. Wannabe tosses Jessie a compliment about her hair, and I want to know what the hell she's up to. Wannabe brings Jessie up to speed: they were just ragging on the school mascot, and wondering why anybody'd want to dress up as a dog. Jessie points out that the mascot is a bear. Just then the announcer introduces the basketball team, and Jessie cranes to watch for Eli. Wannabe watches her, asking who Jessie's looking for. "My brother, he's on the team." Jessie says. "Really!" Wannabe says, feigning ignorance. I'm sure it's the only time in her life when she's had to fake it. She turns to Grace, asking, "Did you know that?" Wannabe then asks whether Eli's still going out with "that girl," referring to Jennifer, and Jessie says she doesn't know. Wannabe's wheels are turning as she digests this info and turns her attention back to the floor where the team is still filing in. Jessie stands up, clutching her chest and smiling as she says, "Omigod! I cannot believe he did it!" Wannabe follows Jessie's finger to Eli, who has seemingly lost a rather vicious battle with a case of blue Bic ballpoints. His hair is now the color of a Smurf massacre. Wannabe likes it. She jumps up and cheers loudly around her gum. Grace is dumbfounded, staring at Eli with much the same expression Rick sported a few short moments ago. Oooo, blue hair! How shocking! How bad-ass! Just in case we don't realize how rebellious it is, we see the coach chewing out Eli who looks entirely contemptuous. Eli stands facing the crowd, looking slightly uncomfortable in his new so-trying-to-be-bad-yet-so-painfully-Smurfy hair.
Rick, meanwhile, is pacing the floor and awaiting word from Lily. She's in the bathroom, unpacking the contents of the test box.
She hops on the Soliloquy Stool to reminisce a little about Jake's reaction when he learned that she was pregnant with Grace. It was, of course, the exact opposite of Rick's reaction. Jake "lit up" and he was "awed by everything…me." The memory brings a smile to Lily's face.
Back to Rick pacing and looking anything but "lit up." He notices a picture of Lily holding one of the kids as a baby. He picks it up, studying it and looking stunned.
Now he's up on the Stool, remembering what it was like when Eli was a baby and how much he loved it. He says he couldn't believe that he'd had anything to do with "creating this beautiful boy. And that he was [his]."
Rick's now in the doorway to the kitchen. Lily blows past with the test indicator held out in front of her. She places it on the counter and sets a kitchen timer. "Three minutes," she announces. The timer ticks away like a little bomb in the quiet kitchen. Rick puts his arms around Lily from behind and kisses her ear, promising, "We're in this together." Lily looks straight ahead and nods. "And whatever we have to do…" Rick continues. She pulls away and turns to confront him. "Have to do?" she demands. Rick's a deer in headlights. He stammers that he di-uh-di-uh-didn't mean it that way. Lily looks at him with disgust then turns away with a sigh. "We never even talked about this," she mutters, moving away. She says they should have, because they have different…Rick cuts her off to ask how she knows what he's thinking. She gets all editorial on his ass, saying it's his "use of the imperative." Rick tries to dig himself out, but Lily wrenches away his shovel. He rubs his eyes and gives up trying. She watches him then apologizes so softly I had to rewind it just to be sure she actually spoke. The clock keeps ticking away. Rick resumes his positive-thinking tactic, saying again that it's very unlikely that Lily's even pregnant. He starts going down that dangerous road, suggesting that it could be something to do with menopause. He doesn't actually say it, and when Lily levels him with a steely glare (how dare he suggest that she's aging!), he quickly backtracks from the suggestion that it could have anything to do with changes in her body. Lily continues staring at him as he searches for something to say. Frustrated, Rick says he doesn't think there's anything he could say at that point that she wouldn't misconstrue. She allows that he's probably right. The timer dings, and the two glance over at the test…
And we head to commercial. Tell me you didn't see that one coming.
We return to a close-up of a negative test indicator. Rick asks if she's okay. "Sure," she says glibly, tapping the test against her palm. "Well, that was…that was…that was cutting it close," Rick says lamely. Lily smiles tightly and walks away from him, slamming the test in the garbage as she goes. "Yeah," she says, with her back to Rick. She looks disappointed. Rick walks up behind her and asks if she's sure that she's okay. She's trying very hard not to pull away from him. "Maybe not as okay as you," she says with a rueful laugh. She starts to say that she knows this was something that he didn't…He cuts her off, saying that just because he was relieved doesn't meant that he wouldn't someday, possibly want to…Lily forces a smile, says they don't have to worry about it, and asks if he wants dessert. She's got fortune cookies.
Rick's on the Soliloquy Stool again, this time reminiscing about Eli's refusal to sleep through the night until he was three years old. And people ask why I'm in no hurry for kids. Anyway, Rick makes my case for me by saying that he was a wreck, and that he remembers reading somewhere that that's how North Korean soldiers tortured their prisoners.
Back in Lily's kitchen, they're cracking open the fortune cookies.
Soliloquy Lily interrupts, though, to exposit on the whole a-woman's-eggs-are -numbered thing. How every month for thirty years, "you're reminded of what goes on down there, and then one day, poof! No more eggs." Dude, I can't wait!
And, back to the kitchen, where they're discovering the secrets of life tucked conveniently inside their fortune cookies. Lily's says, "When your heart speaks, listen." You can tell by her expression that she thinks Buddha himself just delivered a telegram. Rick reads his: "Man who builds straw house can never build fire." He asks what hers says, and she lies, saying that hers is a warning not to store food containers in the fridge for more than two days. Nice cover. Lily suddenly remembers that she has to pick up Grace and Carla at the rally, but Rick volunteers to get them since he has to get Eli and Jessie anyway. As he stands to leave, he quietly asks, "Lily, are we okay here?" "Sure," she answers weakly. Whooo, the air in that room is heavy.
Cut to the high school, where everyone is pushing and shoving out of the gym. Eli rushes up to Jessie, who's walking slightly behind Grace and Wannabe. He tells her that he's getting a ride home with Coop. Before he can get away, Wannabe blurts that she likes his hair. "Me too," Grace pipes up. Eli glances at Grace for a split-second before Wannabe's yammering again, making sure the attention is squarely on her. "It makes a statement," she declares. "It like says something. I mean, I don't know what, but…" What an idiot. Eli looks intrigued, which leads me to believe that some of the chemicals from his sad-ass hair dye leached into his brain and short-circuited a few million synapses. Carla asks if she can touch it. When she does, her mouth hangs open and she emits a simian sound of pleasure. In fact, she looks and sounds much like what I'd imagine a feral child would, touching some marvel like buttons or glass for the first time. Eli doesn't seem to share my view. He can't take his eyes off Wannabe. As he makes to leave, she pipes up and asks where he lives, saying that his place is closer to her than Grace's place, so she should get a ride with him. Oh, she's slippery like a used condom, that one. Grace manages to smile around her clenched teeth, saying that her mom would be happy to drive Wannabe home. Wannabe tries to play it off like she's just trying to do what's easy, rather than admitting she's just trying to be easy, and in the end, Grace relents. As Wannabe and Eli press into the throng, he puts his hand on her back as if to guide her. And don't you think that Grace doesn't notice.
Grace hops on the Stool to shed some light on her feelings: "Sometimes, people just aren't who you need them to be, at a certain moment. And, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it." Oh, but there is. Kick Wannabe's crusty ass to the curb and get yourself a real friend, is what you can do about it.
Back in the hall, Grace watches the new pair depart, and Jessie throws her a dismayed glance.
Lily, meanwhile, is doing what any sensible person who's just gone through a major emotionally taxing experience would: she's drawing a bubble bath and lighting candles around the room. Sweet. What I wouldn't give for a bathtub (and yes, I'm clean -- I do have a shower). But bad timing prevails as per usual, and Zoe and Judy come busting into the room, energized by their "double whammies" and a trip to the makeup counter. Zoe begins rifling through her bag to apply some of her new goop, and Lily not so subtly suggests that she do it in her own room. Deflated, Zoe leaves. Judy moves in for the dish, and Lily confirms that she did take the test. Pause, pause, pause. "Well, I won't be reading Goodnight Moon for the eight hundredth time," she finally says. Judy takes a moment then says, "I happen to love Goodnight Moon." You know, everyone seems to, but I just don't get why it's such a big deal. Judy asks how Rick took it, and Lily replies that he "took it like a man." Which, apparently, is not a good thing. Judy makes a puckery whoa-ho-ho face as we fade into the scene.
Which is Grace, waiting outside the school for her ride. Jessie joins her on the steps and nervously asks how Zoe is. "She's annoying," Grace grumps, and tells Jessie that she's lucky to have a brother. Especially a brother as super-delicious as Eli. Jessie informs her that brothers can be pretty annoying, too. Grace spots Rick's truck pull up to the curb, and Jessie shuffles off, awkwardly wondering if she should say good-bye or what. I know how she feels. I'm twenty-eight, and I swear at times, I feel as socially awkward as this thirteen-year-old kid. Rick waves Grace over to tell her that he's picking her up instead of Lily because Lily's "not feeling so great." Grace "um"s and looks up and down the sidewalk for an escape, but there isn't one. Rick says he'll let her drive. Grace points out that she doesn't know how to drive standard (except she calls it "stick" like all the cool kids do), and Rick assures her that it's easy. Sure it is. When it's broad daylight, and you’re in a vacant parking lot with no stoplights and there's no danger of hitting anything or stalling in front of another moving car. But Rick convinces Grace, albeit reluctantly, to give it a try. Is there anyone who thinks this won't turn out badly?
Eli and Wannabe, meanwhile, are standing to a locked truck, wondering where Coop is. They make a few jokes about Coop and then stand with their hands shoved awkwardly in their pockets. Eli asks whether it's true that Wannabe got kicked out of her old school. She laughs her little baboon laugh and moves toward the back of the truck saying, "Kinda…" She's mysterious. She hops up on the truck bed and Eli joins her. She asks if he's always been a jock, then proceeds to tell him that he doesn't seem like one. "Not that you don't look athletic," she says. "You have a good body." She explains that he doesn't seem to "need that label to feel good about" himself. Oh, whatever.
Back in Rick's truck, he's telling Grace to pull out any time she's ready. She takes a deep breath and proceeds to grind the gears. In his most soothing I-should-host-a-painting-show-on-public-access voice, Rick talks her through the steps. Grace promptly jerks the truck forward then manages to get it moving smoothly. Rick, somehow thinking that Grace suddenly knows all there is to know about mastering "the stick" (oh, stop it!), beings focusing his attention on Jessie in the backseat, asking her about Eli. The engine whines, and he tells Grace to shift gears. The truck cruises past Eli and Wannabe, comfortably chatting on the balk of the truck. Grace is transfixed. Rick is turned around talking to Jessie. Cue the crash in five…four…three…"Grace! Grace!" Rick shouts, having glanced out the windshield. And WHAM! They collide with something. A parked car maybe? Rick takes a second to collect himself, says "all right" a lot, and then asks if everyone is okay. He's trying to convince himself that that's the important thing. "It's just a…just a car," he says forlornly. Grace, I think, wishes the crunch had produced one fatality. Or, at the very least, had knocked her out.
After commercials, we find the crash survivors all congregated in Lily's kitchen, where she's trying to give Rick a check for the damages. He doesn't want to take it, saying it's just a dent. Grace says she should pay for part of it, too. Rick tells her not to be ridiculous. He and Lily back-and-forth a bit more, then he kisses Lily and tells her he's not taking her money, and he and Jessie have to go. Grace slumps on a stool, miserable. Before he goes, Rick scooches her shoulders and assures her that it's okay.
A little later, Lily's brushing her teeth when Grace comes in in her jammies to apologize again for the accident. Lily assures her that she knows it was an accident and that it's okay. Grace is still worried that Lily's mad. Lily isn't. Grace seems to accept this and moves to the other basin. "It's kind of his fault too," she says, explaining that Rick insisted she drive even after she told him she couldn't drive "stick." Lily's patience remains intact and she tells Grace again that it's okay. Grace finishes removing her lipstick and tosses the tissue at the garbage before saying goodnight. She notices that the tissue doesn't quite make it, and when she bends to retrieve it, spots the test in the garbage can. Oh, really smooth Lily. Way to be all covert operations and then leave the stupid thing in plain view. Grace looks like she's biting back the bile and asks if Lily's pregnant. Lily shakes her head. "Are you trying to get pregnant?" Grace asks . Lily says no. Lily starts giving Grace the "when two people love each other" spiel, but Grace already knows all about the birds and bees thankyouohsomuch and doesn't need to think about her mother in the role of either.
On the Stool, Grace shares that sometimes she feels like "everybody in the world is like living, and [she's] just watching it happen." Tell me about, sister. I write about television.
Back in the bathroom, Grace looks flat-out wigged and walks away. Lily calls after her.
Meanwhile, at the Sammler pad, Rick's zonked in a chair in the living room, and Eli's trying to sneak in. Oooh, it's that blue hair, I tell ya! It's the devil's toll! Rick stirs and calls out Eli's name. Busted, Eli sighs and says hello. Rick reminds him to ice his ankle. "Right," Eli grits. What the hell is he so pissed for? He just got away with staying out way too late. He heads to the fridge for a drink, and Rick follows, asking him basketball questions. Rick flicks on the kitchen light and gets an eyeful of Eli's Smurfalicious locks. He asks what happened to Eli's hair. Eli glowers and says he put some color in it. Rick asks if it's the kind that washes out. "Eventually," Eli grits. Rick asks if it's something to do with Eli's band. You know, sometimes he's so Mr. Rogers that it pains me. Eli says he doesn't know and then hits the stairs.
The day, Lily's flitting around the office of PagesAlive when Rick calls. "Is this Christie Parker's drop-dead-gorgeous assistant?" he asks, offering me the chance to reintroduce myself to my dinner. "No, it's her middle-aged evil twin," Lily answers. So when do we get to meet the good twin? Rick asks how she's doing, if she's okay. She's all business, interrupting him to deal with the goings-on in the office. Rick asks if they're still on for later, and she flippantly replies, "That's the plan!" She puts him on hold, and Rick looks like a balloon with a slow leak. After they hang up, Lily has a sad faraway look in her eye to match the one in Rick's.
Cut to the high school, where Eli's emerging from the athletics office. He's pissed and takes it out on the first locker he sees. "You must really hate that locker," says a voice behind him. From the way my skin creeps, I know it's Wannabe. She's jawing away on yet another hapless piece of gum as she gives him a mock lecture on damaging school property. Then she removes her gum and sticks it right on the locker. Oh, the defiance! She leans against the wall and asks if he needs her "to set someone's car on fire, 'cause [she] can do that." Yeah, you and anyone else with two brain cells, a pack of matches, and some lighter fluid. Eli moves to the other side of the hall, saying he doesn't want to talk about it. He leans against the lockers with his arms folded and proceeds to talk about it. He got suspended from the team. Wannabe crosses to Eli's side of the hall, saying the coach is probably just mad because Eli's a non-conformist. Of course he is. That blue hair is undoubtedly threatening to spark a revolution of controversial thought and anarchist action. It's striking fear into the hearts of the establishment!
Eli says that the coach thinks he needs an "attitude adjustment." Wannabe seems to know all about that line, which Eli is perceptive enough to point out. He says that he's heard she knows all about trouble. "Okay, tell me everything you've heard," she says. I think this line is meant to be seductive or something, because Eli reacts as though it is. Wannabe moves in and kisses him. They break apart. He moves in and kisses her. Where the hell is Grace? Shouldn't she be along any time now? Oh, wait, there's the bell, which means Grace should be approaching in five…four…three…And there she is. She freezes a little when she spots them against the lockers. Eli sees her and looks guilty as he says hello. Eli splits, and Grace starts walking down the hallway. Wannabe runs after her and tries to coerce her into -- gasp! -- leaving school property to get a mochaccino. Grace reminds her that she has English. Wannabe tells her to blow it off. Grace refuses. Wannabe tries again, and Grace snaps, "Look! I know it's really easy for you to skip class and do heroin or whatever, but I have things, you know, other things I think about that have nothing at all to do with you!" Grace walks away, leaving Wannabe standing there with her mouth hanging open.
Meanwhile, Eli arrives at Rick's. Rick is setting the table and is surprised to see Eli at home, since he has a game after school. Eli says he just had to pick up a few things. Rick starts yammering like a sports dad, asking if Eli needs anything, does he needs a ride, he should really ice that ankle, blah blah blah vicariouscakes. Eli stands there and stares at Rick with a testy look on his face. When Rick pauses for breath, Eli flatly informs him that he's not going to the game. Rick wants to know if it's a problem with Eli's ankle. Eli rolls his eyes like a pair of dice, revs up his attitude, and tells Rick that he got suspended. Rick is speechless. His eyes pop, and his mouth tries to form words, but nothing's coming out. Eli repeats that he was suspended. Rick finally regains control of his voice and asks if it's because of Eli's hair. Eli says it's because he "wouldn't take any of [the coach's] crap." Rick starts getting angry, asking how long Eli is suspended. Eli says it doesn't matter because he's quitting the team. He starts up the stairs, but Rick calls him back. "What?" Eli snaps. Rick says they should talk about it. Eli fumes that he doesn't feel like talking about it. Rick stammers that he's just trying to understand…Eli claws at his hair and wails, "Can't you see you're tearing me apart!" No, he doesn't, but he might as well. He's a rebel without a cause or a clue. He makes some rude-ass comment to Rick and then retreats upstairs.
Rick's slumped on the Soliloquy Stool, looking beaten and beleaguered. He's bemoaning the fact that he can't get through to Eli anymore, that he's powerless and Eli knows it.
The ponderous piano plays as he climbs into bed with Lily later that night. For anyone who's interested, the answer to that age-old question, in Rick's case, is "boxers." As he slides to Lily, he asks how Grace is doing, and says he feels bad for what happened. Lily says the accident is now ancient history because Grace found the pregnancy test. "I'm the one who's supposed to be worried about her getting pregnant," she sighs. Rick mutters something unintelligible. "What?" Lily and I ask. He repeats it, and then explains that it's Hopi for "life out of balance." He sighs and leans back against the headboard, for once listing off his stresses: "Miles, Karen, Jess, Eli…" Lily's face is impassive on the pillow as she waits to hear her name. When she doesn't, she snarks, "Me?" Funny, but while she should be topping the list of stresses in his life, Rick doesn't count her as one. He didn't leave her out to be insulting; he left her out because she "doesn't have blue hair." Let's just pause for a second here, and really digest what just happened, kay? Rick finally started sharing some of his feelings with her, and she was just waiting to hear her own name in there. When she didn't, she got pissy and had to make it about her. I'm beginning to understand why she can't believe she's menopausal. After all, Lily is six.
Anyway, when Rick mentions the blue hair, Lily sits up and half-laughs, asking, "Eli has blue hair?" She asks if it doesn't clash with his uniform. "It might, if he was still on the team," Rick answers. Lily is surprised to hear that Eli quit the team and asks why. Rick lists a few reasons and concludes with, "Mostly, I think he just wants to piss me off. He loves basketball." "You love basketball," Lily corrects, because she loves it so much when people point out her shortcomings. They look at each other while her words sink in, and we fade to another soliloquy.
Rick's back on the Stool, remembering that he and Karen had sex maybe six times in the year after Jessie was born. Knowing Karen, I'm surprised that this number is meant to strike us as low.
Lily butts in with her own memory, saying that if she had to bet on when Jake started screwing around, it would be when she was pregnant with Zoe.
Back to Soliloquy Rick. He says it was a hard pregnancy, and then Jessie was colicky, and he and Karen just never found their way back to each other afterward.
Soliloquy Lily: Jake wouldn't admit it, but she knew he didn't want to go through it all again, and Zoe was the perfect baby, but Jake had "checked out…gone."
Back in bed, the two of them lie side by side, staring straight ahead. "Tired?" he asks. "Exhausted," she answers.
Soliloquy Rick: "To go to bed with someone night after night, and to lie there and know that you have become somehow invisible…"
Soliloquy Lily: "I've never felt so alone in my life." A tear courses down her cheek.
Lily reaches over and snaps off the bedside light. Rick does the same on his side. She lies with her back to him and curls into the fetal position. He looks over at her back and says sadly, "I love you." "I love you," she answers without moving. He looks at her for a few more minutes then finally says goodnight.
After commercials, we return to find Lily at work. A plastic bag plops onto her desk. She looks up and finds Judy standing there. "Sticky buns," Judy says by way of explanation. Lily's excited to see the buns, and tries to remember the last time Judy brought them to her. She doesn't say it, but we get that it was when she was pregnant. As they walk to the lunchroom, Judy spews an interesting bit of trivia: "They say all the cells in your body are replaced once every seven years." Lily asks whether that means she's a different person now than she was then. She puts a crumb of sticky bun into her mouth, declaring, "It's less fattening when you take little bites." No, actually, it's less fattening when you have a spit-bucket. I'm wagering there's one under that lunch table, because there's no way Sela eats sticky buns. It's got to be a clause in her contract or something. Anyway, Judy asks if things are better with Rick. Lily looks a little surprised by the question, and takes a moment to pry some icing off her teeth with her tongue (all the better to convince us that she actually ingested that crumb) before saying that they aren't. "I'm not sure he's who I thought he was," she says sadly. "Oh," Judy says sagely. Lily wants to know what that's about. Judy explains that she thinks of love as a fog, and until it burns off, you have no idea who the person you're with is. Disappointed, Lily asks, "Are you saying the honeymoon's over and we're not even married?" No, she's saying the honeymoon's over and you're not even divorced form your first husband yet. Oh, sorry, that was me, not Judy. Judy says it's good that Lily found out sooner than later. Lily's not convinced. Lily complains again that Rick's not who she thought he was. Judy points out that no one is -- we all make ourselves up as we go along. "But how would you feel if you were in my place?" Lily asks, returning the focus back to where it should be. Judy keeps her eyes fixed on the table and answers, "The truth is, I would love to be in your place. Except the test would have to be positive." Lily gets a clue and looks like she feels a little compassion for Judy. Luckily, she doesn't have to play at it for long, because we fade to Grace at school.
She's in some lounge, where a meeting for the school's literary journal has just dispersed. Wannabe shows up as Grace packs up her bag. She says that she's thinking of submitting something. Grace is incredulous. Wannabe explains that she wants to do something like "what the guy in that Stephen King book did, where he wrote the same line over and over again for like five pages." She laughs smugly. I have to admit, though, I'm a little surprised that she referenced the book, rather than the movie version of The Shining. Still, shut up. Everything that comes out of your mouth is boring and repetitive and not at all freaky as it is, so why even bother? Grace doesn't give her the response she was hoping for. Wannabe sighs and tries a new tack. "Do you have a problem with me and Eli?" she asks. "No," Grace says, and she actually doesn't seem to be lying. Hmmm. She adds that Wannabe "could've told [her] what [she] had in mind, though. [She] could've done that." Carla says that she doesn't necessarily plan things out -- she just does them. Oh, whatever. Like her maneuver at the pep rally wasn't something she could've discussed with Grace before calling Jessie to join them. Wannabe starts to say that she just thought…Grace cuts her off: "You just thought what?" "I just thought that where you and Eli were concerned, that you wouldn't be interested because basically he's going to be like your stepbrother, and that's sick!" Grace says that it's not a question of her liking Eli, because she doesn't and she never has. Oh, she's a bad liar. Grace says the problem is that Carla isn't the person she thought she was. Wannabe apologizes and says she'll never do it again. Grace calls her on it and says that she will. Wannabe relents and says, "But you'll forgive me, won't you?" Grace reluctantly agrees that their friendship is okay. Can I just say that Wannabe's hair, now that it's finally free of those stupid barrettes, looks disturbingly like cocker spaniel ears?
On the Stool, Grace says defensively, "I have nothing to say."
Back in the lounge, Eli appears in the doorway to rub a little more salt in Grace's tiny secret wound. He's there to get Wannabe. They head out together, and Grace watches them go, her face a mix of sadness, bitterness, and resentment. Been there, baby.
Later, in her room, Grace is interrupted by Lily. She sits on Grace's bed and picks up a book, saying she's surprised they make kids read Bleak House in tenth grade. Grace says that she's reading it on her own. Lily says she wants to talk about what happened the other night. Grace tries to get her to stop. Lily keeps on talking in her super-soothing voice, assuring Grace that she and Rick are not trying to have a baby. Grace couldn't care less. Lily says, "I need you and I to be upfront about this." I need, I need, me me me. Lily says she doesn't want to have to hide the fact that she and Rick are together. Grace is getting fed up. She tells Lily that it really isn't her business what Lily and Rick do. Lily insists that it is. She starts yammering about how it's very intimate, and she knows that it's hard for Grace…"Mom, stop it!" Grace spits through clenched teeth. That soothing voice of Lily's doesn't seem to be working. Lily looks surprised and starts to say something else, but Grace cuts her off, pleading, "Please, stop telling me these things!" Lily, of course, thinks that Grace is just upset about her relationship with Rick and starts to say something. Grace jumps to the far side of the bed, her back to Lily, crying, "Oh! God! I can't take it anymore!" Lily reaches across and touches Grace's arm, apologizing in her sugary voice and saying, "I didn't know how much this was upsetting you." Grace is outraged and jumps to her feet. "Ugh! This is so! You are so! You are so far off on this!" she rants. "Don't you see! [arms waving frantically] Don't you even see?" Lily looks blank. Grace fills it in, tearful with frustration, "I don't even care about your life! I have my own life, which happens to be miserable right now, and then you come in here and everything's about you! And the truth is, I could be falling apart right now and you wouldn't even know why." Grace winds down, looking at Lily who's looking absolutely shell-shocked. "Honey, did something happen?" Lily asks. She's so perceptive. Grace looks at her with a disappointed expression and chokes out, "Nothing." Lily walks over to Grace's side of the bed and sits down, pulling Grace down to her, all the while cooing in that syrupy voice that makes my teeth hurt. But then she does something I can't fault at all: she just grabs Grace and hugs her tight. She doesn't try to make the kid talk to her or let her in. She just holds her and lets her cry and shuts the hell up. When they pull apart, Grace notices Lily's tears and tells her not to cry. They hug again, and Lily tells Grace that she's "so sorry."
And on the other side of town, Eli's dropping off Wannabe in Karen's safe and sensible mini-van. She thanks him for the ride and then just stares at him, making no move to open the door. Oh, no. Oh, please no. Not this. Anything but this. "So?" she says. "So?" he echoes. "So I gotta be going," I announce, as they slowly move toward each other. They don't care. In fact, I doubt they even notice that I'm gone. From the quiet squishy sounds, I'm pretty sure they're kissing, but I can't see the screen from the safety of my kitchen.
Cue the tandem relationship, as Rick enters Lily's place and softly calls out to her. He finds her out back, struggling with big bags of garbage. She yelps when she spots him on the stoop. He helps her with the trash then says simply, "I wanna talk. You wanna talk?" She does.
Back to the mini-van of mini-depravity, where Wannabe's skeezing her way into the back seat. She puts out a hand for Eli to follow. He does. She lies there and pulls him on top of her, then pulls his head down to kiss him. Tell me, when do the lambs stop screaming? Rick and Lily head into the darkened laundry room. They both start talking at once. He finally says that he was wondering what things would be like if they'd just met; if they'd be able to stick together through all the chaos. Lily says she wonders what it would have been like if they'd met first; if they'd have gotten married, had kids, and would they be divorced now. Rick says that he's screwed up in his life before, and he knows what he's capable of. He let his marriage become "this empty, numb thing." She hops up to him on the machines and says that hers wasn't exactly a walk in the park. Yeah. We know. God. Rick says he feels like he's still screwing up. His daughter has "a real problem" and when he "look[s] at Eli and sees how far away he's gotten…" He glances sadly at Lily. "I mean, being a good father, that's something I thought I could do," he says. Teary, she grabs his face in her hands and assures him that he's a "wonderful father." They're quiet for a moment, before Rick says that he "think[s] that's what happened when [he] though that [she] might be pregnant, [he] just went back to place where [he] couldn't deal with anything." Lily tells him there hasn't been a day in her life when she hasn't said to herself "You have no idea what you're doing." She says that meeting Rick hasn't made her life any "easier, or calmer, or less crazy. If anything, [things] got crazier. But it didn't matter, because [they] were going through it together." She says that when she felt him pulling away she thought, "Oh! I know what this is. This is when he cuts and runs, just like…" Rick takes hold of her and says that he's not going anywhere. He says he may not know much of anything else in his life, but he does know that everything he wants is right there. "The laundry room?" she quips. Oh, stop! Rick says, "The laundry room. And the garbage. And the dented car. And Eli's blue hair. And a baby…maybe…if that's what we decide we want." "A baby maybe?" Lily parrots with a smile. "Shut up," Rick says. "Make me," she says, but her face says, "Take me." They kiss and start tearing at one another's clothes and gasping and thank god we switch scenes…
Ahh! To Eli and Wannabe, kissing and gasping and taking off their clothes. Wannabe tells him to wait and then asks if he "has something." Apparently he does, because they go right back to it as we pan away from the steamy back window of the van, Karen's van, the nice, solid, dependable van that is now and forever will be tainted with the scent of skank. I hope Karen somehow senses that the honor of her fine vehicle has been besmirched. I'd love to see that scene.
Eli's back melds into Rick's, as the camera pans away from the steamy laundry room window, where he and Lily are teaching the machine all about the spin cycle.
Ah, man. I've got to do laundry tonight, and they've totally wrecked it for me.