We open in the kitchen of Manning Manor where, as usual, everyone's spazzing around trying not to be late. Lily's struggling to get the girls' lunches together when Grace starts complaining about the turkey lunch meat that's about to defile her sandwich. When Lily learns of Grace's distaste for the stuff, she immediately takes the only available course of action: she chases Grace around the kitchen with it. I, meanwhile, wrestle with flashbacks of the playground, a kid named Chad, and his daily ration of cocktail weenies. He always took great pleasure in plucking one from the can, waving it menacingly, and chasing me around with it. I know, I know, it sounds like the stuff Freud is made of, but it wasn't like that, really. Those cocktail weenies are just really disgusting foodstuffs. Anyway, after much lunch-meat hilarity, the phone rings, and Lily's raucous mood quickly changes after she answers it. Her voice drops an octave and she purrs a "good morning" into Rick's ear. We hear Rick trying to set up a date for that afternoon, as Zoe loudly asks to whom Lily is talking. Grace, with the compulsory eye-roll, answers that it's "The Dad." Lily and Rick banter back and forth about how soon they can get together, generally making it clear that their hormones are on the verge of busting out all over, and that they've all but forgotten all of last week's episode. Grace loudly and repeatedly whines that they're going to be late for school. Lily finally covers the mouthpiece and snaps, "All right! All right!" She apologizes to Rick and they agree to hook up later. "Ugh, finally! God!" Grace bitches when Lily clicks off the phone. Lily mimics her. "Are you going to go out with him every night?" Grace sulks. Lily says she's not, but Grace hasn't bothered sticking around to hear the answer. Zoe asks whether Rick has any kids her age, but Lily shepherds her out the door without answering.
Cut to the bookstore, where Lily's on the phone yet again. She says a disappointed "okay" before hanging up. The bookkeeper is there, eavesdropping, and Judy walks past with a sly look. "Are you still here?" she asks. "I thought you were gonna...you know." Lily shrugs off her jacket and gripes that they were going to meet at Rick's place, but now his damn kids have gone and ruined everything by having too much homework to go to the mall. The bookkeeper looks up from her calculator to ask why they can't just go to Lily's place. Judy mockingly answers, "She could, she's just...." Lily impatiently explains that she's afraid Jake will call or, worse, walk in on them again. Judy culls some advice from her own sordid experiences, suggesting that they just go to a motel. Lily looks as if Judy suggested they go to a Roach Motel. She glances sideways and catches a male customer looking at her. He's pretending to read while mentally dictating a letter to Penthouse Forum. He guiltily looks down. The bookkeeper thinks that's a lot of money "to just..." Lily explains to her that Judy was suggesting a seedy hotel. Judy says that even "seedy doesn't come cheap. Of course, he'll have to pay." Lily protests that that's not fair. "Tough!" Judy and the bookkeeper (who's named Natalie, incidentally) exclaim. Nice to see women's lib rages on. Judy turns thoughtful, musing, "There's always something depressing about motel rooms. There's always a stain you wish you hadn't seen." In the future, try hotels that don't rent their rooms by the hour, Judy.
Grace, meanwhile, is hanging out with a couple of friends at the mall, eating frozen yogurt. They're discussing what one of them is going to wear...I don't know where. The girl suggests her "black lace top, slingbacks, and a miniskirt. Just, you know --" "What a lawyer would wear?" the other sagely supplies. No lawyer I'd ever hire. Then again, they're probably taking their fashion cues from the likes of Ally McBeal. Grace has been looking past both of them up to this point, and she suddenly snaps, "Can we go, please?" as she hops to her feet. The Sage looks where Grace has been staring and rolls her eyes with a knowing "Sammler." The camera follows her gaze and there, in fact, is Eli engaging in a shameful display of public affection with Jennifer. Get a seedy, stained room, you two! The Lacy Lawyer informs Grace, "He's going to be places. You can't just --" "For the last time, I couldn't care less about Eli Sammler," Grace asserts, way too fast, with a sorry stab at scorn. Her friends just look at her. After a pause, Grace races on, complaining, "How am I supposed to eat, when she's all slobbering all over him?" The friends take in the action one more time. The slobbering looks pretty mutual. The Sage sighs, "I love her taste in clothes, though." Grace jabs her spoon into her yogurt, grousing, "You know, she's obviously, like...desperate. For attention." "Oh, she's totally an exhibitionist," Lacy concurs before adding, "But she is so sweet!" Huh. Who knew you could be both those things at once? The other friend wonders what Jennifer will wear to Mock Trial. A-ha. That's what they were talking about earlier. Grace is about to blow a gasket, what with the clowns to the left of her, perverts to the right. She chokes, "Why can't people just control themselves?" Because they're sluts and degenerates, obviously. She catches her breath and asks, "What's Mock Trial?"
We fly over to Eli and Jennifer in time to catch his gripping observation that she has a little pocket on her sleeve. He thinks it's "cool" because she "can, like, hide things in there." This prompts her to declare him "too adorable." She must have a newer thesaurus than I do, because mine doesn't list "adorable" as a synonym for "banal." After yet another kiss, Eli announces that he has to go find his sister.
Grace is getting the lowdown on Mock Trial from her friends. Apparently "it starts tomorrow," and "you have to use legal terminology and stuff." Grace thinks it "sounds hard." Lacy disagrees, saying, "It's totally easy. Just watch The Practice." Uh, yeah. It's known for it's authentic portrayal of lawyers and the system, right, Ragdoll? But nice plug, ABC. The Sage points out that Grace can get extra credit for doing it. Grace glances over at Eli and Jennifer again, asking, "And Jennifer's doing it?" She's the prosecuting attorney. Lacy laughs and says, "Grace should be the judge!" Grace fails to see the humor in it. She mumbles that she doesn't know whether she has time after school and mutters again, "Can we get out of here?" as she watches Eli and Jennifer leave.
Back at the bookstore, everyone is still wrestling over the rendezvous point. Judy suggests her place. Lily appears to consider it, which prompts Soliloquy Judy to gripe, "First of all, I never thought that she'd say yes." Then you shouldn't have offered. At the store, she assures Lily that she's going out anyway. Lily stares at her for a second, open-mouthed, imagining the possibilities. Then she grabs Judy and plants a big kiss on her cheek, saying, "I'll go call him!" before rushing off.
Soliloquy Judy continues, "I mean, people say things they don't mean all the time. It's part of the human condition." Again, you shouldn't have offered. "I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me," she says with a shrug. Obviously, it did. See my point above.
Cut to Lily cautiously opening the door to Judy's apartment. Rick peers in over her shoulder. Okay, Judy's apartment is basically set up to let us know what an artsy free spirit she is. Our first clue is the blue mannequin head just inside the door, which is wearing a hat with a gigantic red flower in it. It's so 1985. And not in a good way, if there is one. The camera pans the rest of the space, which is basically a wide-open studio with jumbles of mismatched, colorful furniture. "No cats?" Rick asks. Lily assures him there are none, which is surprising since Judy's a spinster and all. As Rick shuts the door behind him, some adult-contempo version of the porn soundtrack bwow-chicka standard takes over the audio. The camera cuts to a close-up of a red feather boa draped over a dress form that's covered in what appears to be Japanese characters. A hand slips the boa off its perch. We see Lily sitting at a dressing table applying lip gloss. Rick strolls up behind her and seductively drapes the boa across her neck, pulling her toward him. She smiles widely as he leans in and nuzzles her cheek. They kiss. He kneels and unbuttons her blouse as the cheesy pseudo-soulful vocals kick in on the soundtrack.
thing you know, the camera's cut to a bathtub. Lily's foot extends past the shower curtain, her toes slipping languorously over the old-school chrome faucets. The camera pans along the flowered vinyl curtain and we get just a glimpse of bubbles on bare skin when the phone rings in the other room.
The camera cuts over to the phone just as the answering machine picks up. Judy's voice comes over the machine, telling Lily that she's coming home early, and that she hopes it's not a problem. Since Lily's too busy getting clean and dirty, I think it might be.
Over at Rick's place, Jessie wanders into Rick's bedroom, where Eli's flopped out on the bed studying. Jessie stretches out to him and wonders where Rick is. When she tries to peek into Eli's textbook, he slams it shut and snaps for her to "quit it. [He's] working." The phone rings. "Jen," Eli suaves. "No, sorry," Karen says with a chuckle. "Is it Dad?" Jessie chirps. Eli shushes her and assures Karen that everything is all right. She says she needs to speak with Rick; she'll be picking them up early. Eli stammers and says that Rick's out getting fried chicken. Not a bad euphemism, really, since fried chicken and what Rick's doing are both finger-lickin' good. I know: ew. Karen checks her watch and tells Eli to tell Rick that she'll be by in half an hour to pick them up. After hanging up, Eli says, "I hate it when her voice gets like that." Jessie's confused: "He went to get fried chicken?" Eli breaks it to her gently: "He's with The Mom."
The camera cuts to a close-up of the pillows on Judy's bed and pans down to a chenille throw. The throw starts sliding off the bed, and the camera follows. We find two shiny happy naked people camped out on the floor. They smile at one another, and Rick lets out a satiated sigh, like he just downed a bucket of the Colonel's best. "What?" Lily asks. "You were there," he growls, pulling in her in for seconds.
Soliloquy Lily's twirling her hair, dreamily saying, "I guess something about being there just did something to me." She takes a deep satisfied breath and then draws herself up sharply, admitting, "I couldn't deal with her bed, though. It...it just suddenly...." She shuts her eyes and shakes her head to get the willies out. "Became like some French movie where the sisters are a little too close." She adds, "The floor worked surprisingly well," and smiles into her lap.
Lily and Rick struggle to get their clothes on while continuing to make out. It's no easy feat, apparently. They fall back on the bed, kissing and rolling around and smiling and breathing heavily. I feel like I'm watching a Brazilian soap, except there's no soft-core nudity. They jump and look up at the sound of the door. Judy's standing there, frozen, looking back at them.
Cut to Rick standing in his boxers and an unbuttoned shirt. His jeans hit him in the face, tossed by someone off-screen. Judy wonders how they didn't hear the phone. Lily runs past, buttoning her shirt. "We just didn't!" Judy wanders over and finds the evidence in the bathtub. "That explains it," she mutters, wondering what it would cost to have the tub resurfaced.
Soliloquy Lily's got her bitch on. Arms folded, she gripes, "She came home early to check him out. Obviously." She can't even look at the interviewer, she's so damn mad.
Looking up from her defiled tub, Judy vents, "I had to walk out of that movie early. It made me physically ill." Buttoning his pants, Rick looks over his shoulder and asks what she saw. "You know, that movie that everyone's so..." Judy continues struggling with the movie title, playing a well-executed round of the Vague Game. She sits down with a bowl of grapes and continues muttering to herself as Rick and Lily scramble to finish dressing in the background. Rick tugs on his socks and tries to make sense of Judy's ramblings. He asks what she hated about the unidentified movie and she tries to explain, by way of really bad imitations of pompous British accents, that she hated how it was so self-conscious about its entertainment value. Rick points out that the point of movies is to be entertaining. Judy pauses while chewing a grape, thinking, perhaps, of spitting it at him. She thinks better of it, continues chewing, and says, accusingly, "So you liked it?" Rick quickly says that he doesn't even know what movie she's talking about. "Then how can you defend it?" she demands. He looks at her for a moment and tries for a little levity: "Well, we should all walk out of a movie together sometime." Judy thinks he's an idiot. Rick tries to suck up with a little phony spiel about how it all worked out in the end because he got to meet Judy. She puts on a bright smile and agrees, a little too exuberantly, through her clenched teeth.
"Well, I wouldn't use the word 'hate,'" Soliloquy Judy says. I think she would, if she were alone with her friends. She tries out a few alternatives: "Maybe 'rubbed the wrong way,' 'disliked'...." She lets those hang in the air for a few seconds and then admits it: "Okay. I hated him. And that night, I washed all the sheets. But it still didn't help. I kept picturing them in my bed. I had to sleep on the floor." Wah wahhh. See, that's funny because...oh never mind.
"So you're writing Dad a note?" Jessie asks, watching Eli tear a sheet out of his notebook and lay it on Rick's bed. She complains that her class was supposed to interview their fathers for English, and she didn't have a chance to do it. You know, that strikes me as a really insensitive assignment, considering a lot of kids don't have fathers. "So do it over the phone," Eli says, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He catches the disappointment on Jessie's face and pauses in the doorway to ask what I want to know: "What do people do who don't have fathers?" Jessie shrugs and says, "I don't know because I supposedly have one." Eli says that Jessie should just ask Eli the questions instead; he knows everything about Rick. She's about to fire the first question, but they're interrupted by a knock at the door.
Jessie follows Eli down the stairs, posing her first question. He cuts her off: "I meant later. Not in front of [jerks his head toward the door]." Eli opens the door for Karen, who casts her eyes around and says she needs to talk to Rick. Eli lies that he's in the shower. Jessie freezes, uneasily watching the exchange. Karen asks, "Why? Is he going somewhere?" like it's any of her damn business, and Eli keeps with his streak, saying that he thinks so. Eli fakes a move to go get Rick, knowing that Karen will stop him. "Better not. I'll never hear the end of it," she says. Jessie continues staring at Eli as if he's talking out of his ass -- literally. Karen moves to grab one of their bags, but Eli rushes to get it, saying that he's got it. "Oh, big man," Jessie mutters. He tells her to shut up.
After commercials, we're back in the kitchen at Manning Manor. Zoe races in with a stack of photos, and busts out, "I found all of these cute pictures of me at Dad's, from when I was young!" As opposed to now when she's all of, what, nine? She holds them out to Lily, and Grace schleps past with a bitter, "Ah, yes, let's talk about you." Lily asks what Grace would like to talk about. She leaves Zoe hanging, asking whether Grace finished all her homework. "I did! Because I didn't have any," Zoe chirps, before lighting her hair on fire and dancing around singing, "Pay attention to me! To me!" Lily doesn't pay her any attention, but instead studies Grace with a worried expression. Grace grabs her lunch, snarks that she finished all her homework, and blows out the door. Lily stares after her while Zoe tries another tack, specifically asking Lily to look at the pictures of her in her Halloween costume while waving them in her face. Lily snaps out of it and wraps her arms around the kid, looking over the pictures.
Out in the driveway, Lily suggests to Grace that they go shopping after school. Grace stares at her lifelessly and asks why. Lily jokes that she "can't afford it. What more reason could [they] need?" Grace suddenly finds Mock Trial really appealing, informing Lily that she has to stay late after school. Lily starts to ask what it's about, and Grace impatiently holds up her hand while sniping that it's just something she has to do. Lily lets her get away with the bizzatch routine, and simply says that "it sounds so harsh." Grace snaps that it isn't, and launches into this big thing to the effect that it's meant to teach them about the law and that there are certain rules and that people who think they can just do whatever they want like children, and act without morals, have to be stopped. Issues? Slightly. Lily stares at her wordlessly as Grace slams the truck door, wondering just what in the hell that was all about and whether it had anything to do with her getting it on in Judy's bathtub.
Karen and Naomi are heading out of Karen's place loaded down with brown grocery bags. Apparently, Karen's in charge of the snacks for...something. She's being her usual self, nagging Naomi not to let the punch crush the cupcakes and worrying that she doesn't have enough of them. Maybe some fell on the floor, eh Wing? ["Heh. It happens. But I doubt Karen would have eaten them (like you're supposed to); she would have just thrown them in the garbage." -- Wing Chun] Karen complains that Jessie promised she didn't eat any of them and asserts that she's "never volunteering for anything again." "Well, that's the spirit," Naomi says dryly. As they load the bags into Naomi's car, Karen shoots out, "She's still seeing him, right?" Naomi freezes. "Just one question," Karen promises, insisting that she'll never bring it up again. Naomi sighs and says Rick and Lily are still seeing one another as far as she knows. She reaches for the bag Karen's clutching, but Karen doesn't seem to want to let go of it, among other things. "Is she not very bright?" Karen asks. Naomi's horrified by the question. She starts to say something, but Karen cuts her off, adding, "No, I mean, because that's what he thinks he wants."
Soliloquy Karen tries to justify her bitchy self: "I've got certain very basic needs right now. I need to hear that she's a miserable, shallow person who will make his life a living hell." She should hang around our boards more often. Oh, I'm kidding. I know we all love Lily in our own complicated, convoluted ways. Karen quickly adds that she's kidding. No, she's not. "Sort of," she concedes. Uh huh.
"How can you ask me that?!" Naomi exclaims. "What?" Karen innocents. "I've got stupid friends." Naomi defends Lily's intelligence, saying, "She's not stupid, Karen. She's...." She must sense the ass-pole's rising agitation and wisely tries to deflect its wrath by asking, "What do the kids think of her?" Karen finally lets go of the grocery bag and says that they haven't even met her. Naomi latches onto that as proof that the relationship can't be anything serious. Karen and the ass-pole are appeased. She changes the subject back to her snacks, asking, "Are these the worst refreshments ever?" Is she kidding? Cupcakes? Add a few uninterrupted hours of the Game Show Network, and you've got yourself a good time. ["That's damn right." -- Wing Chun] Naomi assures her that her offerings are fine, and Karen gravely thanks her, adding that she "owes [Naomi] one."
Judy looks up from a counter at the bookstore and says, "Mock Trial. Sounds fun." She doesn't sound as though she means it. Lily doesn't think it sounds like fun, either. Her face lights up, though, as she wheedles, "So, you haven't said anything about Rick." Judy remains facing a shelf of books and says, "Yeah, I did." Lily clarifies, "Besides the fact that he left his scarf." Judy keeps studying the spines, insisting, "He did." Lily waits expectantly. When Judy continues straightening the books, she cries, "Judy!" and slaps her hands on her hips. Judy plasters on a smile and turns to face her, weaseling, "What do you want me to say? I barely...I mean we...It was so brief!"
Soliloquy Judy cuts the shit: "He's typical, that's all. Typical wounded, you know. 'Like me, like me! I'm needy, and waspy with all this [sucking in cheeks] bone structure, and I've been hurt, you know, in this way that makes me seem interesting, so try and figure out who I am while I suck you dry.'" She wants him.
"I didn't really form an impression," Judy says, in that voice people use on Christmas morning when they open up a pair of fleece pajamas with matching slippers that are printed with moose wearing the same pajamas so it's like tacky infinity. (I really hope my grandmother doesn't read this.) Lily's not buying Judy's drama for a second. With a silent glare, she spins around and starts dusting the shelf, her jaw set angrily. She spins around and demands, "So where is his scarf?" Judy apologizes for forgetting it, and then facetiously asks, "Who wears a scarf in October? Hasn't he heard of global warming?" Lily swipes at the shelf with a dust rag, imagining it's Judy's head.
At the office, David and Rick are hashing over the details of Judy's place. "A Playboy? In her bathroom?" David slobbers. "And a Playgirl," Rick points out, so that David doesn't get the wrong idea about Judy. David's tiny brain is stuck. "But a copy of Playboy?" he asks again. "No, an actual playboy, with white loafers and a yachting jacket," Rick snarks. Heh. David smiles at the warm feeling in his pants and asks whether "the sister" is "an attractive individual." Rick says, "If you like hostile and self-absorbed. And I know you do." Oh, burn! David wracks his brain for the catch in this too-good-to-be-true woman. "Cat?" he demands. "No cat," Rick assures him. What is it with these people and cats? David mulls. "And you said she was significantly more, uh, relaxed at her sister's place?" Rick stares off all dreamy and oozes, "Yeeeeah." Something poisons the reverie and he snaps, "But she's a pain in the ass!" "The sister," David asks. "The sister," Rick confirms. David clarifies that Judy's place isn't somewhere Rick will be returning anytime soon. Wistfully, Rick answers, "Sadly, no." David informs him, "You know, scientists believe that, in the near future, people will actually be having sex in their own homes." Rick's eyes scream, "Oh, please."
Meanwhile, the Mock Trial is underway. The teacher asks, "Would the prosecuting attorney please remove her gum?" Everyone giggles, and we get a lovely shot of Jennifer mid-way through slapping her jaws around the offending wad. Grace rolls her eyes and marinates in her bitter juices. As the teacher drones on about the trial's ground rules, Eli pops into the doorway and silently beckons Jennifer to join him in the hallway. She smiles flirtatiously in return. Grace spots the covert action and she doesn't like it one bit. Eli takes off, and Jennifer turns to follow the sound of the pacing teacher's voice. Her smile fades as she catches sight of Grace's sour face. Grace sends her an unequivocally evil eye before looking away. Jennifer registers it with a puzzled expression.
Cut to Judge Judy giving some defendant the gears over Beanie Babies. Grace is watching the proceedings on the small kitchen TV at Manning Manor. Judy interrupts by placing a book on the table in front of her. "A legal dictionary?" Grace asks. "From when I was a paralegal," Judy answers. Lily wanders in, and Judy explains that she just brought Grace a law book. "What for?" Grace asks. Lily and Judy answer together, "Mock Trial." Grace turns back to the TV with the announcement that she's not doing it. Why, then, would she inflict Judge Doody on herself? The ladies want to know why not, but Grace insists that she'd rather not discuss it. Judy whips out Rick's scarf and lays it across Lily's shoulders. "What's that?" Grace wants to know. They inform her that it's a scarf and skip the gory details regarding how it came to be in Judy's possession. Grace accusingly says that she's never seen it before, and Lily fibs her way out of the kitchen. Judy snuggles in to Grace, asking what happened with Mock Trial. Grace says, "Nothing happened. I didn't want to do it anyway." Then she grits, "The prosecuting attorney is, like, a total slut." Judy stops stroking Grace's hair and, thinking of her own dating patterns, defensively asks what that's supposed to mean. Disgusted, Grace answers, "It means...it means...What do you think it means? Everybody knows what it means." It means that Grace needs to haul ass over to Tomato Nation to read Sars's fine essay. And then she needs to read it again.
Lily, meanwhile, is having a fit of ecstasy on her bed, wantonly rolling around and inhaling Rick's scarf. She's like my cat with his catnip blanket, except that he's funny and she's just making me uncomfortable. Judy stumbles onto this scene, head down and muttering about her concern for Grace's bitchy, repressed attitude. Breathless, Lily makes it clear she's barely listening. She noisily licks her lips and announces that she "wants to go over there, right now." She whips the scarf off her neck like she's a burlesque dancer with a feather boa and mutters a guttural "I wanna return his scarf...." Judy's eyes nearly drop out of her head.
"It's like, who are you?" Soliloquy Judy demands, shaken. "And what have you done with my boring, repressed sister?"
Lily's still revved up, striking a pin-up pose on the bed, wagging her eyebrows, and asking, "Am I shocking you?" She grins naughtily while Judy stammers out a denial. Her voice is at least two octaves higher as she insists, "Of course not! Hardly! You wanna go over there, just go!" Lily falls back onto the bed, whispering a nearly orgasmic "Yes!" Sela should really be doing those Herbal Essences commercials. Judy lamely finishes, "I'm here," while fidgeting uncomfortably. Lily holds the scarf over her head, kicks her legs into the air, and just when I think she's going to start in on the old spit-and-shine- between-the-legs stripper standby, Grace and Zoe materialize in the doorway, their eyes bulging. Lily crawls off the bed, hurriedly explaining that she has to go out for a very short time. Zoe throws herself onto the bed and snags a Victoria's Secret catalog that's lying nearby. Thumbing through it, she announces that they should "make this kind of underwear for kids [her] age." Aw, but that'd be cruelty to children, sweetheart. And so creepy that I don't want to think about it a second more. Lily starts in with a lie about having to go help Naomi with something; Grace shoots her a withering glare and declares, "Mom, I so don't care." Judy shoots her a sympathetic look, and Zoe breezily says, "Bye! See ya!" So Lily jauntily tosses the scarf around her neck and skips off to get her some.
Soliloquy Lily's in a somber mood, by contrast. With some difficulty, she confesses, "Jake's biggest complaint about me was that I never wanted to have sex."
Judging by the adult-contempo porn soundtrack that kicks up again when Rick opens the door, I don't think she's having that problem anymore. She grins widely as the camera cuts to their feet. Her purse hits the floor. And we all know where this is going.
Soliloquy Lily continues, "And I would defend myself. I would say, 'No, you're wrong. I am interested. I do want it.'" Wow, that's hot. She rolls her eyes and lets us know that "was a lie" in case we mistook her monotone for passion.
We get a quick shot of Rick peeling off the scarf.
Soliloquy Lily: "I mean, yes, he cheated, and yes, he ignored me, but...I don't know. Maybe there's just something about being married that makes you stop. Or maybe it's something about me." Or maybe it's that you were married to Jake. Who ignored you and was cheating on you. Those things just don't add up to an aphrodisiac, if you ask me. She's puzzled that she could have had no interest in Jake, when she's so hot for this guy she barely knows. It's painfully obvious that Lily hasn't dated much.
We cut back to Rick's place where, yep, they're still getting it on. Heavy breathing, slurpy kisses -- the usual.
Soliloquy Lily is still puzzling over why this "desire" wasn't there "for the person [she] supposedly loved." Well, the word "supposedly" goes a long way toward explaining it.
More breathing, slurping...Lily asks, "Do you know that word, 'besotted'?" "If you want me to," Rick answers from his groin, going in for another grope. He mutters something about her mouth. "I never really used it," Lily says. Her mind works in strange ways, no? "Your mouth?" Rick asks, confused, since he's just been using it himself. Lily says she meant "'besotted' in a sentence." Rick assures her, "Nobody has." She tells him that's how she is when she's with him: "Nothing else matters." Rick wholeheartedly agrees. They mack some more. Rick facetiously says, "We're horrible people. Horrible, terrible people." And Lily gets that pouty look she gets when her conscience niggles. She says they're not horrible people, just "horrible parents." Why? Parents need to get laid, too. Not that it's something anyone likes to think about. Lily gets over her attack of conscience by tearing off Rick's shirt.
Cut to Jessie and Eli sitting in Karen's living room. Jessie's making a futile attempt at interviewing Eli in place of Rick. He's stretched out on the couch, reading a magazine, and tossing out half-assed answers. Jessie gets fed up in short order. Eli suggests that Jessie bullshit some answer and add something that Rick would say. Jessie rejects the suggestion. Eli starts rummaging through his backpack and tells her just to phone Rick, then. Jessie complains that she did, but that he's not home. Eli makes a big show of realizing that one of his books is missing. He starts freaking because there's a test on one of the chapters the day. Jessie suggests that maybe he forgot it at Rick's. Hearing Rick mentioned, Karen's ass-pole stands at attention, poking her in the ribs. She wants to know what's at Rick's. Eli starts yanking on his jacket, and Karen says he should call Rick first to make sure the book is there. He insists that it is and heads off to meet his destiny, a.k.a. Rick's bare ass hovering over Lily. The poor lad.
Judy's giving Grace and Zoe a quick lesson on making crepes, a skill she learned from an ex-boyfriend named Franco. Grace says that Lily thought Judy was addicted to him. "Oh, well, I guess the shoe's on the other foot now," Judy muses smugly. Grace starts in on the Lily-bashing, using words like "idiot" and "ridiculous." Zoe defends Lily, and Judy chastises Grace for talking about her mother that way. Zoe fumes out of the room, and Judy tries to talk to Grace. Grace insists that Lily's "making a total fool of herself!" She watches Judy for a second and demands, "Why are you looking at me like that? I know she's having sex with him!" She makes a self-righteous stink-face at Judy and then says, "Crepe's burning." Then the little bitch totally makes a "nyahh" face at Judy and walks out. To Judy's credit, she chooses to tend to the kitchen hazard rather than running Grace down and pimp-slapping her like I would have.
The camera pans across the floor of Rick's apartment as we hear the door creaking open in the background. Eli's feet appear amid the strewn clothing that leads to the bedroom like a dirty little bread-crumb trail. He takes in the scene and casts his eyes toward Rick's bedroom. He knows what time it is. The soundtrack is now a blend of the theme song and that porn Muzak. I guess it's because the world of hot monkey love is about to collide with the world of filial obligation. The sound of wet lips in the process of creating a vacuum seal gives Eli pause on the stairs. I feel like I'm watching a horror flick here. I'm yelling, "Get out of the house! Don't go in there!" He's still thinking about his options. Then Lily giggles, and that makes up Eli's mind for him. He's gone.
After commercials, it's the following morning. Eli, Jessie, and Karen are in the kitchen getting breakfast. Karen asks how late Eli stayed up studying. "Pretty late," he lies. Karen asks whether he got the chapter read. Eli's silent, so she presses until he lies again. Grabbing her coffee and cramming toast in her mouth, Karen says, "I'm glad that all worked out," and rushes off.
Cut to the high school, where Grace is hanging out in the hallway with Lacy and The Sage. ["Coming soon to the WB's New Friday, right after Reba." -- Wing Chun] Grace's smile disappears when she spots Jennifer and Eli further down the hallway. Jennifer's reassuring Eli that the test will turn out okay, but he hardly looks convinced. Grace narrows her evil eyes as Jennifer snakes her arm around Eli's neck and pulls him in for a kiss. He leaves to meet his doom, and Jennifer's eyes land on Grace, who's shooting a stink-eye laser beam at her forehead. Grace looks away with a disgusted expression. Jennifer looks slightly amused in a what-the-fuck- is-up-her-ass kind of way.
Rick wanders into the bookstore, startling Judy behind the counter. He starts to explain that he was just in the neighborhood, but Judy cuts him off to say, "She'll be back in a minute. She just went out for sandwiches." Rick makes an embarrassed apology, and Judy says she's the one who's sorry. He asks why, and she brings up the Incident at the Apartment. Awkward pause, awkward pause. "You got your scarf back," Judy finally says. "Yeah," Rick says, patting it self-consciously. He takes a few steps toward the shelves, saying, "There's this book I've actually been meaning to ask Lily --" Judy interrupts him with an indulgent laugh and says that he doesn't have to buy a book. "Excuse me?" he says with a plastered-on smile. Judy repeats that Lily will be back any minute, and that he should just relax and wait for her. "I'm relaxed," Rick insists. "What makes you think I'm not relaxed?" Judy says that he just doesn't have to pretend to buy a book. Rick's smile fades a little, since he's not pretending anything. "I realize that," Judy manages from the corner she's worked herself into. "Is ordering books allowed? Or is it not that kind of bookstore?" Rick asks. You could slice the tension with a limp-wristed karate chop. Lily, of course, walks in at this moment and asks, "What kind of bookstore?" She smiles as she waits for the answer, blissfully unaware that Judy and Rick would each love to tear the other a new orifice.
Eli, meanwhile, is staring down the barrel of a fully loaded test. He glances hopelessly at the questions. He's screwed.
"Okay, well, we should have the book in about five business days," Lily tells Rick as she sees him to the door of the shop. He forces himself to say goodbye to Judy, who calls out a half-hearted "bye" without even looking up from the paperwork she's doing. Lily turns and marches over to the desk. "You don't special order? Since when?" she says, laying out the bait. "Since I said," Judy snaps. Lily asks why she doesn't like Rick. Judy snarks that she never said she didn't like him. "Well, do you?" Lily demands. "No," Judy answers, sullen. Lily wants to know why, and Judy says she doesn't trust him. Lily points out that Judy doesn't trust anybody, and Judy insists that that's beside the point. She adds that she's finished lying for Lily, too. Lily's bewildered. "Who asked you to lie?" she wonders, but Judy refuses to answer and heads for the back room. Lily follows. Lily starts to say that she understands, but Judy snaps that she doesn't: "No, you don't. You don't, because you won't admit how all this lying and sneaking around is part of what's making it so hot for you!" Judy spits. Lily's taken aback and insists that nobody's been lying. "Of course you are, and that's fine, but just don't put me in a position where I have to lie to Grace, because I'm not going to do that!" Lily jolts to attention at the mention of Grace. Defensively, she insists that Grace doesn't have to know everything, and that that's not lying. Judy snarls, "[Grace] is fourteen -- she figures stuff out." Lily's voice is challenging as she asks what Grace has figured out. "That liking sex is shameful. That wanting it makes you a slut! Where do you suppose she got that idea?" Lily is stunned. She manages, "That is not what I..." before realizing that it is, in fact, what she....
The phone on Karen's desk rings. "Eli?" she says into the receiver. It's Rick. Karen breaks the bad news that Eli's teacher just called to let her know Eli failed his test. Rick is crestfallen. Karen says, "I'm sitting here in shock. He studied for this one. If studying doesn't work, I....Why did you call?" He mentions the interview with Jessie. "What interview?" Karen asks.
Cut to Grace's locker, where she's busy stuffing crap into her bag. Jennifer sidles up like she's got a score to settle. "Why are you always giving me dirty looks?" she asks. Grace's head snaps back like she's been kicked in the jaw. As she fumbles for something to say, we cut to Grace dressed in judge's robes, doing her best Judge Judy. She barks, "Because, you're out of order! And you're a slut!" She slams the gavel down. Jennifer thinks it's to do with the Mock Trial and explains that she only eliminated Grace because she had to. Grace says, "I'm really sorry. Those looks weren't directed at you. It may sound like a lie, but it's true." They look at one another for a second, as if they're both waiting to see whether Jennifer buys it. Grace asks how the trial is going. "Do you want to hear my opening, um, thing?" Jennifer asks. Well, I can see how she got to be the prosecuting attorney. Grace agrees, but still looks a little wary.
Cut to Jessie and Rick flopped out on his bed, where she's interviewing him, finally. Rick makes with the lame attempts at humor until Jessie threatens him with a left hook. They're interrupted by the door buzzer, which Rick says is Karen. The phone rings just after he lets her in. As Jessie rolls off the bed to meet Karen, she spots Eli's book sticking out from underneath it. She pulls it out just as Karen walks up. "What's that?" Karen asks. Eli is so busted.
Eli's blissfully unaware that the wrath of the ass-pole is headed his way. He's rooting around in the kitchen when Karen and Jessie get home. He starts telling Karen about all the heavy work he's been doing around the house for her, not realizing that she's seething. He finally notices that she's just standing there, unsmiling. "Did you meet her or something?" he asks. Karen doesn't know what he's talking about. Instead, she presents the evidence: Jessie found his textbook in Rick's bedroom. She says she'd like an explanation. Eli makes a move to confront Jessie, but Karen holds him back, gritting that this is between the two of them. The ass-pole is getting warmed up now, wondering what Eli was thinking when he lied to her; was it just to put something over on her? Karen wants to know why he wouldn't get the book when he knew where it was. She keeps going and going and going with the guilt trip, ending with, "Don't you see you're only hurting yourself?" Eli wrenches his gaze off the floor and says, "Yeah." Aw, he looks so sad. Karen's ass-pole is appeased enough to leave him alone. Eli finds Jessie and demands to know where his book is. "So now it's my job to keep track of everything that you lose?" she snaps. "Nobody ever said it was your job!" Eli snaps back. Jessie shouts, "And like it's your job to be the dad! Tell me what to say and lie to Mom!" Jessie looks like she's about to cry. Eli's speechless. After a second or two, Jessie tells him the book is at Rick's. Turning away, she grumbles, "You want it, go get it."
Rick answers a knock on his door, and Eli pushes past him without saying a word. "Hey!" Rick exclaims, looking after him. We cut to Eli digging around under Rick's bed. Rick wanders in, book in hand, and asks, "You looking for this?" Eli grabs for the book, but Rick pulls it away, saying he wants to know what's going on. Rick asks why Eli lied to Karen about having the book. Eli says that Rick knows why. Rick denies it. Eli really doesn't want to have to say it. He's so distressed, in fact, that he looks like he's going to bawl. Rick says that he "would appreciate some kind of an answer." Eli explodes: "I was here, okay? I have been covering up for you for weeks, Dad, so don't pretend you don't --" Rick interrupts, "You were here." "Yes!" Eli's face twists at the memory. Rick's face falls into his befuddled guppy expression. Eli's purging now: "I heard you! In here! With her!" The full horror of the situation finally registers with Rick. He apologizes, and says he doesn't want Eli to cover up for him anymore. "I have to!" Eli insists. He can't imagine what Karen would do if she knew how much of Lily Rick's been seeing. No pun intended, I'm sure. Rick softly insists that it's not Eli's job to protect Karen. Eli punches the wall and says it is, because it upsets Karen too much. He storms out.
Lily arrives at the bookstore with an apology for being late. "I wasn't with him. I met Naomi for lunch." Judy just looks at her. "I did!" Judy tightly says that she believes her. Lily takes a seat near Judy and says that Judy was right. Judy softens and starts to say that she shouldn't have said it, but Lily won't hear of it. She says that she "should have been talking to Grace about it all along, but [she's] bad at this. [She's] a bad parent. Bad, bad, bad!" Lily says she watched Judy get totally obsessed with some guy in the past, "just utterly, utterly...." "Besotted?" Judy offers. And now that Lily's in the same boat, she doesn't get to feel all superior to Judy anymore.
Soliloquy Judy says, "It's hard to admit things, so yeah, it was cool that she admitted it. It still hurt."
Back at the store, Judy tells Lily that it's not too late to talk to Grace about it. Lily laughs ruefully and says, "I can't. I don't know how." Judy assures Lily that she can do it. "Look," she says, "the only thing I've ever done better than you is lose control. And now you can do that too. You can do anything." Lily smiles at this, bolstered. Judy smiles and asks, "So, that lunch story. Still sticking with it?" Lily's smile broadens. "Yeah."
Karen's ass-pole is working overtime. Rick's sitting in her office, apparently having just told her everything about what's been going on. She hides the fact that his screwing Lily is like a knife in her heart by focusing on how surprised she is that Eli felt he had to lie to her. "You think this is my doing, don't you?" she asks rhetorically, spinning accusingly at Rick, who denies it. She says it's obvious that Rick thinks she's sending Eli "some sort of distress signal." Rick starts to protest, but she cuts him off. "It's what you're saying. It's my fault!" she shrills.
"It's my fault," Soliloquy Karen says, matter-of-factly. "I've been leaning on him. I've let my son see how hurt I am....And deep down, I've wanted his help. It's exactly what I swore I'd never do."
Karen tries to convince Rick that she's "relieved." She says she was worried to think "[Eli] could study and do so badly." Rick says, "Well, but the point is --" Karen cuts him off: "I know what the point is. What's the point?" Heh. Between the two of them, they manage to say via broken sentences and awkward pauses that Rick's relationship with Lily is not something from which Karen needs to be protected. Rick stands up to leave and almost forgets his scarf. As she holds it up to him, he flashes back to some Super-8-looking footage of the Christmas when she gave it to him. Bad hair and happy times. There's a catch in Rick's voice when he thanks her.
The subdued mood is shattered by Jessie screaming for Karen at the top of her lungs. She's in the kitchen, and hops up onto a counter, hugging her knees to her chest. Karen runs in, breathlessly warning Jessie that she'd better be close to death. Then she glances at the sink, shrinks in terror, and pulls Jessie close to her. Eli saunters in to save the day. "Spider!" Karen manages, pointing in its general direction.
Over at Manning Manor, Lily is calling for Grace to hurry up. Grace reluctantly appears at the top of the stairs, complaining, "I'd rather not do this." "Same here," Lily says, and orders her to put her shoes on.
Close-up on the spider scurrying around the sink. It doesn't look that scary to me. Jessie urges Eli to scoop it up in a cup without hurting it, the way Rick does. Eli impatiently orders the back-seat scooper to shut up, and gets on with the business of arachnid-wrangling. He sweeps it into the cup with a basting brush while Jessie and Karen cringe like a couple of girls. In the shot, the spider is running free on the deck. Jessie thanks Eli and tells him, "You did that really well." Karen watches the whole thing, looking thoughtful. After Jessie leaves, she says, "You've been taking care of a lot around here. You're really good at it." "So what's your point?" Eli asks. Karen shrugs and offhandedly says, "You don't have to take care of me." Eli says, "Okay," and heads for the door. Karen rushes to stop him, anxious to make him understand. She says she knows that Rick is seeing someone, and that she doesn't need Eli to try to shield Karen from it. Eli gets tears in his eyes and says, "Okay." Karen moves to the table to keep herself from crying. Eli says, "It's not like...I don't think that there's anything, like, amazing about her. And that's not shielding you, Mom. That's just my opinion." Karen looks like she could kiss him. Eli walks out slowly, and Karen sinks into a chair.
Cut to Lily striding like a maniac around a corner in her neighborhood. She turns around and starts walking backward, calling to Grace, "Come on! Why are you all the way back there?" Grace sullenly replies, "Because. I don't want to be seen with you." I don't think I'd want to be working out side-by-side with Sela, either, but I don't think that's what Grace means. Lily chuckles but after a second realizes that Grace is serious. Grace blows by her, and Lily shouts, "Hey!" She catches up and asks why Grace doesn't want to be seen with her. "Is it my sneakers?" she asks. Until now, I hadn't noticed that she's wearing tomato red shoes. Interesting choice with that fuchsia t-shirt. "Partly," Grace says. "And partly because I'm seeing someone?" Lily asks. Grace sighs and changes the subject: "I met a girl I kind of like today. Well, actually, I already knew her; I just didn't know her. I knew who she was, but we never really talked." Lily asks what her name is. Grace stops short and asks, "Mom. Do I pry into your personal life?" Lily says she doesn't. Grace struggles for a second and says, "There are just some subjects I'd rather not discuss." Lily says she can understand that. Grace seems surprised, but Lily assures her that it's true. "Good," Grace says. Lily smiles at her. Grace almost lets herself smile back before taking off down the sidewalk. Lily races to catch up, and the music is kicky and happy as the camera pans up and away from them.