The End of the Beginning of the End

S09E22

It's the day of the documentary premiere, but there's so much else going on that it barely registers for most of this hour-long episode. Dwight is about to put a capper on his excellent spring by proposing to Esther. Jim is already outdoing himself as Dwight's Assistant to the Regional Manager by setting Dwight up to become the Assistant Assistant to the Regional Manager. Andy spends the day in line for a singing show audition, and ends up having a meltdown, but at least he made friends with a woman who's cuter but more delusional than he is. Angela's son got fired by his day care, so he has to spend the day in the office, leading Kevin to act out like a jealous older sibling over Oscar and Angela's fussing with the kid. Darryl has already left, but he "sneaks" back in to return the delivery truck, clearly hoping the gang will demand a proper goodbye from him. In that, he is not disappointed.

Pam is enjoying having Goofy Jim around, as I'm sure we all are, but after a conversation with Darryl she fears that Jim will end up resenting her for his decision. Jim enlists the aid of the documentary crew to prove otherwise. Meanwhile, Dwight's exposure to Angela's child renews his suspicions that he really is the boy's biological father, to the point where he reconsiders proposing to Esther. He makes an offer to Angela instead, but she is unmoved by his businesslike presentation, and says the kid isn't his anyway.

And so it is that Jim ends up juggling two romantic crises at once. Dwight demands Jim's advice on what to do, and Jim makes a speech about the overriding importance of love -- even as Pam is in the break room watching the video of Jim & Pam's greatest hits he had the doc guys cut together in less than a day. And then he finally gives her the note he once tucked into a teapot, back in the dark ages when this show was still funny. And dammit, tonight it was funny again. Which kind of makes me mad.

But we're still not done. Dwight makes Angela a real marriage proposal, insisting that he doesn't care if Phillip isn't his. Which, of course, he is. And everyone, even Andy, ends up at Poor Richard's that evening for a viewing party of the documentary. Which, from what little we hear of it, doesn't seem all that great so far.

week is the two-hour finale/epilogue/farewell cast party, and given how good tonight's episode was, I'm not even dreading it that much.

Another one-hour episode? You've got one more week of this, The Office, and then I'm done with you unless you knock it off.

Kevin steps off the elevator and we see that the entrance to the office has been fortified with a security door. Kevin buzzes the attached intercom and Erin picks up her handset to say, "The tea in Nepal is very hot." Kevin rolls up his sleeve to read aloud from his arm, "But the coffee in Peru is much hotter." Erin grins and proudly buzzes him in. By way of explanation, Dwight interviews that as the new permanent manager, he's been able to institute some new security measures, including these doors from a bankrupt jewelry store and the institution of pointless code phrases like we just saw on The Amazing Race four days ago. He adds that he now emails everyone the secret codes every morning. "It's not the KGB, but it's a start." When it's Dwight's turn to come in, he misses one word. Erin says that after three wrong tries, she needs to give him the steam. "Unless you want me to break protocol," she offers. By now the other employees are watching, and Dwight has to allow it. He THs that it's only harmless steam, due to the prohibitive cost of harmful steam. As his resolve cracks and he panics, Creed heads out the suite's back entrance with a handful of shirts on hangers.

Full credits, which still include Ed Helms. Worse, there's no final shot of Dwight doing something at the manager's desk. Instead, there's that shot of Jim kissing Pam in its place. Rip-off.

Well, this is promising. Oscar and Angela are at his place getting ready for the day, and the apartment isn't exactly built for three. "Ironic that now its Angela who's living in the closet," Oscar THs, adding a weak "Hey-ohh." But at least we see that little Phillip is now protected from the fashion faux pas that Angela would have dressed him in.

Esther drops Dwight off at the office in her dad's pickup, and he THs that between being a manager and the owner of a 1,600 acre beet farm, being engaged to "an actual milkmaid" is icing on the cake. Not that he's done it yet; he shows us his grandmother's ring. "It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors." One would expect the Schrutes to get along better than that with people named Adolph.

Andy shows up at what looks like cattle call auditions for a show called America's A Capella Sensation. Catchy title. He's all excited about being sent to the back of the long line, as though that means his pitch has really impressed the intake guys. While taking that long hike, he explains what sets this show apart from all the other televised singing competitions out there: "All three judges are mean."

By M. Giant

Jim enters Dwight's office (newly decorated with a portrait of himself and Mose, as well as one of a Predator drone) for a signature on a form. Dwight makes him go through the ceremony of the inbox and outbox, followed by a handshake. Then they do a joint TH in which Dwight proudly boasts of having chosen one of the best Assistants to the Regional Manager in the biz. He goes on to say that they overcame their differences, like Germany in Italy in World W-- "Nope," interjects Jim. Dwight concedes the point, and says they're now running a no-nonsense office. To prove it, Jim holds up a little chalkboard he's made that says "[5] DAYS SINCE OUR LAST NONSENSE," upon which Dwight erases the 5. What's funny is that he replaces it with a 6 instead of a 0, because that was some nonsense right there.

Jim returns to his desk, bantering with Pam about Dwight's propensity for pre-meetings and post-meetings. He ignores a call from the office in Philly, telling Pam he'll call them back. He THs that the guys are still after him for the three-month pitch tour, which sounds exciting, but he's still refusing to risk his marriage again. Pam THs that she feels a little guilty, but he seems happy. "I love goofy Jim." Well, that's the one most of the rest of us prefer as well.

Dwight is conducting a staff meeting in the conference room, with a hagiographic portrait of himself on the wall behind him and Jim acting as his sarcastic toady without Dwight realizing he's being sarcastic. Jim tells everyone to keep up their no-nonsense streak by not shouting "Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future" when expecting a fax, because that would be nonsense. Pam wonders if they're allowed to yell "Nice jugs" during a water delivery, which Jim disallows as nonsense. Conclusion: no nonsense. Angela shows up late with her fifteen-month-old son on her hip, explaining that her day care won't take him any more for reasons that aren't fully explained. Dwight rallies quickly, saying Phillip will be joining them today. Jim brings up the premiere of the documentary scheduled to air that night, and asks who's excited. Meredith THs that she's been on her best behavior the last nine years. "If it wasn't for the cameras I would have done some truly vulgar crap." On the other hand, Stanley says he's had three affairs in the last nine years, and preemptively solves his own murder: "My wife did it." Back in the meeting, Dwight says he's cutting them loose a half hour early tonight, and Kevin invites everyone to a viewing party at Poor Richard's since he broke his own TV due to an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial. Oscar THs about how long they've been waiting for this. "When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe." And Creed nervously THs, "If my parents see this, I am toast."

In line at the audition, Andy's trying to do a TH when a blonde chick named Casey Dee (or possibly Kacey Dea, or maybe even KCD) comes up to hijack the shot by repeatedly singing her name like she's Andy or something. Andy tries to shut her down, which he eventually does by outsinging her. Looks like they're going to be line buddies. At the very least.

In Accounting, Oscar and Angela are too busy bickering about Phillip's missing apple snacks to pay attention to the viral video Kevin wants to show them, and Kevin's pretty bitter about it.

Jim interrupts Dwight's "private time" (painting a model of the Galactica on a stand, as it happens) to report on some PFN, or "potential future nonsense." Dwight appreciates the time saved by Jim's abbreviation and listens up. Jim directs Dwight's attention to the org chart he's got in the form of a mobile, which is conspicuously missing an Assistant Assistant to the Regional Manager. I think we have a title. Dwight wonders if Jim has anyone in mind, and Jim proposes some tests -- as though King Arthur were choosing a new Knight of the Round Table.

Andy's talking to his new friend KCD about what a "pitch bitch" he is when the show's host, Mark McGrath, comes working his way down the line to explain the rules: Everyone will get thirty seconds to sing, trying to get into one of the judges' a capella groups, where they'll have to face singing and physical challenges, as well as a mole. Except, oops, he wasn't supposed to mention that. Probably because nothing will come of it anyway. He moves on, Andy impressing KCD with the farewell line, "Pour some Sugar Ray on me!" and no one else.

In the kitchen, Pam can tell that Jim's up to something, but he's not spilling yet. Cut to the bullpen, with Dwight and Jim announcing the "A.A.R.M. Challenge." Jim sternly warns, "This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities! Sure, every participant will be getting a corn dog, but that's for fueling only!" Also in that scene, everyone decided to keep calling Pete "Plop" because in Dwight's words, "We owe Andy that much." In a TH with a very happy-looking Pam at his side, Jim informs us that by two o'clock today, Dwight will select as his Assistant to his Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dwight himself. I think it's a sign of how good this episode is so far that I don't doubt it for a minute.

Darryl returns the delivery truck after using it to move his furniture to Philly, but since he says he hates goodbyes, he "snuck out" last week. Making it as obvious as possible that he was sneaking, not that anyone noticed. "No hard feelings," he THs. "No feelings at all."

Introducing A.A.R.M. Challenge #1, "Know Your Superior," which Jim presents as a mind-reading task. He asks Meredith to guess the number he's thinking, and she's off by a bit, guessing two at opposed to Jim's 985,000,000,000,017. Pam supposedly comes closer when asked to guess Jim's current earworm, so Dwight points out that because spouses can read each other's minds, Jim is clearly trying to give Pam the job. Jim cops to it, and asks "Plop" what animal he's thinking of. Pete says "horse," and Jim says he was thinking the exact opposite. When Pete asks the obvious question, Jim says "seahorse" a half-second after Dwight does. Jim acts amazed, and asks how Dwight knew he was going to say that. Although he lets Dwight finish the sentence. "Uncanny," they say together.

Challenge 2, "Protocol," takes place in the conference room. Clark takes this one with a corn dog at stake. Jim posits a situation where Clark has to deliver a phone message to him while he's in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, Dunder's nieces and the Turkish ambassador to Armenia, who is sensitive about the size of his nose. Jim invites Clark to read the message, which refers to "Yuri Bignose." Dwight is horrified at Clark's breach of hypothetical protocol, but points out that it's a trick question, given that Armenia and Turkey don't have diplomatic relations anyway and thus there is no such ambassador. "Uncanny," Jim says again, clicking his pen.

A soldier in line in front of Andy is giving an inspirational interview to the singing show's cameras, in front of the documentary cameras, much to the disgust of Andy and KCD. "All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everybody goes gaga for you," Andy whines. KCD complains about a homeless single mom she saw being interviewed earlier, and Andy jumps out of line to take things into his own hands.

Darryl has just picked up a box of donuts from Hank on the ground floor. When Pam coincidentally comes out of the stairwell and asks if he's coming back to say hi, he claims to not be here, only treating the warehouse guys he didn't say goodbye to. Talk quickly turns to Athlead, which Darryl is loving and which he can't believe Jim doesn't want in on. "Remember, I was never here," he reminds a suddenly doubtful-looking Pam.

Challenge 3 is the "Coffee Obstacle Course." After her chat with Darryl, Pam seems a little distracted from Jim's introductory spiel, but Phyllis takes on the challenge, gingerly picking up two cups of actually hot coffee and slowly approaching the obstacle course. Dwight can't stand to watch more than a few seconds of this and takes over himself, spilling the scalding coffee all over himself in his rush to deliver real coffee to a hypothetical boss. Jim: "Uncanny." Darryl "accidentally" wanders into view and acts busted when Erin not only calls him out for not saying goodbye, but angrily orders him upstairs so they can say can all do so properly. Darryl bravely takes his medicine. Jim approaches Dwight, still standing atop a stack of paper boxes, saying that none of these people are good enough, which Dwight well knows. "What I'm about to say makes no logical sense," Jim says, "and yet it might be the most logical thing I've ever said." Dwight sees this coming and agrees with Jim that the only possible assistant to his assistant is... "Me." Uncanny.

By M. Giant

Back in the bullpen, Dwight is about to be crowned the new A.A.R.M., with a literal crown. I mean, its tinfoil and cardboard, but it literally exists. Jim asks him to kneel. "And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man," he adds when Dwight's already on one knee. Dwight settles on am awkward sort of half-thrust-lunge squat, and Jim places the tinfoil crown on his head. "You look really really good," he says, leading the applause. Pam, who doesn't look like she's been enjoying this nearly as much as she should, suddenly gets up and runs out. Jim follows her, leaving Dwight to tell everyone, "Anyone who wants to speak to me has got to go through me first."

Jim catches up to Pam behind the building, and she's almost crying. She asks if he's happy -- not just having fun like he did today, but really happy -- like a year from now happy and five years from now happy. She's worried about his resenting her for making him give up his dream. He assures her that it was his decision, but finally the gist of the nub is that she's afraid she isn't enough for him. Jim is so stunned at the very idea that we see him in a TH saying he doesn't know how else to prove it to her. "I know it's against the rules, but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys." From behind the camera, someone readily agrees.

By M. Giant

Darryl's in an awkward reunion in the break room, which Phyllis blames on them being "hormonal," with the documentary and all. They ask if he's coming to Poor Richard's to watch, and his failure to commit throws Erin into a tailspin of rage. "Picked the wrong day to return the truck," Darryl THs. He tries to take his leave, but people start booking up time with him: Oscar for lunch, Meredith to sit in her van listening to Zeppelin and Clark recording up to ten hours of oral history. Darryl admits that he was wrong to sneak out, but he's only going to do one thing with everyone and it's up to them to decide.

Angela and Oscar are trying to get Phillip settled down for a nap in one of her file cabinet drawers, but Kevin is noisily acting out like a jealous older child until he storms off. Oscar and Angela are left talking indulgently about how Phillip must be too excited by all the paper. Angela says he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond earlier. "That's the most flavorful bond," says Dwight, who overheard.

Andy returns to the line, all dressed up like an old man. Obviously even his idiotic new friend recognizes him right away, even though she's impressed by his makeup job. He even took out his lifts. "Unlike Andy Bernard, this character's my real height," Andy explains to her.

Esther's hosting a little picnic for two on the floor of Dwight's office, spouting nonsense about mooing the cows and oinking the pigs. Not that she's actually that slow; "I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head." But Dwight is totally distracted by Angela holding Phillip out in the bullpen. And, more relevantly, Phillip's transfixed gaze at the Galactica model now hanging from Dwight's ceiling. Dwight THs that he looks at the Galactica the exact same way. "And he eats the same kind of paper I do!" Back with Esther, Dwight puts his grandmother's buttock bullet ring back in his pocket.

As Esther leaves with her picnic basket, Dwight summons Jim into his office by pegging him in the back of the head with a beanbag that says "NOW." Jim follows Dwight back inside, saying, "You threw the summoning-bag at me, sir?" Dwight says he wants Jim to do a test, "on an innocent baby." Jim says he'd love to, but with all he's got going on, he's going to delegate this to his assistant. "But don't worry, he's the best in the biz." Dwight can hardly disagree with that.

By M. Giant

Oscar is trying to quiet Phillip down lest he disturb Stanley's nap. "You don't want to wake the grumpy old walrus, do you?" he warns. Stanley dreamily rumbles, "I heard that." Dwight offers to take the kid for a little while. "Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps." Oscar uncertainly hands over the kid, who immediately quiets down and Dwight takes him into his office.

Where he invites the tyke to play a game he calls "Schrute or Consequences." That sounds pretty no-win to me. He offers the kid a choice between a check for a million dollars or "this dirty old beet. Yecch!" The kid picks the beet, naming it like it's his first word. Dwight, impressed, says that any ordinary kid would have taken the money, but Phillip is no ordinary child. "I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes."

There are only a few people in line ahead of Andy and KCD when a guy comes and says they're all full up -- no more auditions. Andy breaks character and makes a scene to protest, then makes a break for the audition room while KCD jumps on the dude's back to slow him down. She gives it up when Andy gets clear and a security guard comes up, and then she leaves, blowing her exit line so she has to come back and do it again. Okay, obviously she and Andy end up together, so can we just assume it happens without being shown?

Dwight returns Phillip to Accounting. Oscar says something about how Phillip won't eat, and Dwight says that's because he's too smart for a bottle. Kevin points out that he's not smart enough to know where he, Kevin, hid Phillip's duck (spoiler: inside Kevin's suit jacket).

Inside the audition room, Rachel Crow from the first season of The X Factor is singing "Beautiful" to a panel of judges made up of Clay Aiken, Aaron Rodgers and Santigold. Because hey, stuntcasting. Andy busts in and pushes her aside in mid-note while he's still wearing his old-man makeup, but demanding his turn in his normal voice. Then he drops into character as "Ezra Cornell." They're not only not fooled, they don't want to hear him sing, either. "Gabriella was our last audition," Santigold says. Andy refuses to leave, having burned his bridges and befouled his boss's car, "and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern." Aaron Rodgers says that's a flag on the play like Randy Jackson firing off a hair-trigger catchphrase. Andy starts singing the Cornell fight song, only to be cut off and told he's not terrible, but he isn't good enough, either. His second song, "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" ends with him sitting on the floor crying, even though Santigold says he can't. But it looks like he is. And yes, he ruined Rachel Crow's audition, but that's not nearly as bad as what Nicole Scherzinger did to her in 2011.

Angela's been summoned to Dwight's office, though clearly without the summoning bag. Dwight voices his renewed suspicion that the kid is a Schrute, regardless of the DNA test he had done that turned out negative. "And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his: an enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal." Angela, whose face has been a slideshow of emotions throughout all this, lands on a flat, "How thoughtful." Dwight adds that she would move to the farm, "which is a huge step up from living in a gay man's closet." Angela stands up and stiffly says, "If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son." Dwight seems to accept that, and lets her go back to her desk, but not without watching after her longingly.

Jim sits Pam down in the break room in front of a laptop and says that since she wouldn't believe him when he told her how he felt, he needed a little help. He produces a DVD and is about to fire it up when Dwight bursts in calling a code red and deploying the summoning bag. Jim tries to defer Dwight to his assistant, but Dwight is dead serious this time. "I need you." Pam tells him to go ahead, so he rather flusteredly kisses her on the forehead and hurries after Dwight.

In his office, Dwight tells Jim about his plan to propose to Esther and goes on about her excellent qualities. "Genes so pure you could lick them... her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen premium cattle sperm." Plus, they're third cousins, "which is great for bloodlines but not technically incest." Jim wonders what the downside is and Dwight simply whispers, "Angela."

You don't give a person a big buildup about a DVD and then go off and leave her alone with it indefinitely. After a pause, Pam sticks it into the laptop's drive. Back in Dwight's office, Jim doesn't know what Dwight wants him to say. "All I know is every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew. Every instinct, every rational calculation." "Some sort of virus?" Dwight asks, but of course Jim means love.

Pam clicks "Play" on the laptop and a message pops up: "Beesley -- You think I'll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won't..." You might just regret spelling her name wrong, Halpirt. Fortunately, the montage begins. Set to music like a YouTube fan video, it shows all the sweet little moments of the early seasons, back before they were married or together or really anything but both really hair-challenged. I don't know how the crew cut this together so fast, unless they already had and it was just sitting around. Maybe they called Brian.

By M. Giant

Whatever the case ,there are the PB&J kisses from "Casino Night," and from "The Dundies," and any number of others, and his proposal to her outside that roadside convenience store. In VO, Jim says, "Dwight, listen. You gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic. Your fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's going to make all this worth it." On the laptop screen, Jim and Pam hug after she told him he was pregnant, and kiss at their wedding -- both of them. "At the end of the day, you gotta jump." Back in Dwight's office, Jim tells him, "You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have." Dwight looks up at Jim with red-rimmed eyes and says, "You're a good assistant, Jim." "Not as good as you," Jim says. Aw man, show. Do all three of us have to be crying right now? Dwight agrees, "That's very true. Get the hell out of here." Jim is more than happy to obey. He returns to the break room just in time to see the clip of Pam opening her teapot at the end of "Christmas Party," including the bit where the camera caught him secretly pocketing the note he wrote her at the time. Fade to black. "You watched it?" Jim asks. Wiping her eyes, she admits as much. "Well, then I guess you're ready for this," Jim says, pulling that same note out of his pocket. "Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note." She opens and reads it, and it's okay for something to be none of our business once in a while. In fact, at this point it's a relief. "Not enough for me?" he asks. "You are everything." She stands up and they hug. "Thank you," she whispers.

Cut to her driving to the bar, when suddenly Dwight's Trans Am pulls up level with her, a cherry-top flashing on his roof. He yells at her through a megaphone to pull over, and ends up forcing her off the road. As they get out of their vehicles, she yells, "Dwight! What the fuck is your problem!" Awesome. Still using his megaphone, Dwight bellows, "I love you! I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise a hundred children with a hundred of your lovers if it means I can be with you!" Touched, Angela asks him to put the megaphone down. "THIS EXPRESSES HOW LOUDLY I LOVE YOU!" So that's a no? But he does, and goes to one knee to present the ring. "This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother. Put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty. Melted in a family run by Mennonites." Angela doesn't need the whole Game of Thrones routine; she says yes, and they happily kiss, and exchange excited "I love you's." Angela confesses that she lied: Phillip really is Dwight's son. "I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me." Dwight is stunned at first, but says, "Get out! I'm a dad!" And then they go back to mauling each other. Man, Dwight is so having the best week ever that VH1 is going to sue him for trademark infringement.

They show up at the bar holding hands. Creed greets them with some weirdness, and Dwight's so happy he just kisses the old kook on the forehead. Erin and Kevin and Toby are at the bar, trying to convince the bartender to change the channel from college baseball to PBS, and not really doing that great a job of selling a documentary about a paper company. The barkeep polls the patrons and since there are about as many civilians as there are DM employees, "a tie means I do nothing." Kevin continues trying to convince him when Andy comes in and casts the tipping vote. Clark asks him how the audition went. "Aw, no big deal," Andy hand-waves. Probably could have skipped it entirely, in fact. As the last seconds before the show tick past, everyone settles in nervously, saying they have no idea what to expect and that nothing will ever be the same. It starts right up and we watch their faces as we hear Jim and Michael's dialogue from the opening scene of the pilot. So we've come full circle. The end becomes the beginning. The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed. Aw, I love this show.

Waitaminute -- two hours week? Are you shitting me? When did I sign up for a goddamn M*A*S*H finale?!

By M. Giant

Waitaminute -- two hours week? Are you shitting me? When did I sign up for a goddamn M*A*S*H finale?!

Okay, that's more like it.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.