Like Fake Father, Like Fake Son

S09E11

When Dwight is tasked with landing a contract for a father and son suit business, he drafts Clark (yes, Clark is back) to pretend to be the actual Dwight, Jr. on a sales call. When Dwight learns that the real father and son don't get along, he changes the schtick to a supposedly dysfunctional relationship where he puts Clark down all the time to win favor with the dad. But then they learn that the son's actually in charge of the business, so Clark turns the tables. They end up making the sale and even bonding over Dwight's childhood habit of collecting cat turds.

Darryl goes for his interview with Jim's company in Philadelphia, and brings Pam along. Darryl nearly blows the interview, but manages to pull it together, at least until he accidentally vandalizes the office with an autographed basketball. Even so, Jim tells Darryl that he's in, so that's good. Pam seems a little disappointed that Darryl's going to have to move to Philadelphia, but what's really bothering her is that someone let slip that she and Jim will eventually have to as well. But God forbid she actually talk to Jim about it.

Back at the office, Erin is in a tizzy over being assigned the job of taking delivery of a box of pens in Pam's absence. This is worrying enough for her (particularly as a metaphor for whatever's going on between her and Pete), but things are further complicated by the fact that Clark has brought in an espresso machine as a gift from Jan. Everyone else tries every flavor and starts bouncing off the walls and tearing up the carpet, until a traffic jam in the parking lot at 5:00. Darryl and Pam return to find the office destroyed. Along with Erin's self-confidence.

Dwight gets an IM from David Wallace telling him to go after a client called Stone & Son Suit Warehouse, because Andy still isn't here to give instructions in an annoyingly convoluted way that takes ten minutes. Dwight smirks, and tells us in a Talking Head that he and Jim have pretended to be brothers on a number of sales calls to family-owned businesses. So now Dwight calls up Jim in Philly and says it's time for another episode of "Handsome and Stinky, Paper Brothers for Hire." Jim blows him off and tells him to bring Phyllis instead, whom Dwight openly disses while sitting right behind her. Dwight realizes that Jim has hung up on him, but puts on a little show for the other bullpen employees before mistakenly adding, "Bye-bye, love you," and fumbling with hanging up his phone. Jim still wins even when not showing up.

Darryl's on his way out of the office to head to Philly, dressed up in his interview suit. Pam asks him to say hi to Jim when he gets there, and Darryl invites her along so she can tell him herself. Pam scoffs, comparing it to ditching school, "Only instead of getting suspended, you get..." But with Andy gone, the only way to end that sentence is to grab her purse and coat. On her way out, she asks Erin to handle a shipment of pens she's expecting. This is way over Erin's head, but Pam either thinks she's kidding or doesn't give a shit.

Look who's back! No, not Andy. Clark gets out of a cab in the parking lot, looking like he just came straight from the airport because the office is like people's homes on this show. He walks into the bullpen and Oscar greets him as Dwight, Jr. Kevin asks how the sex with Jan was, and although Clark demurs while in the bullpen, he's a little more forthcoming in a TH: "Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week." He compares it to sex with a wild animal, but not a cougar. "A swarm of bees. Bees that find something wrong with every hotel room." Meredith approves of Clark's discretion, and he asks her about the stringy black wig she's wearing today after last week's head-shaving episode. She turns it around, flashing her bare scalp in the process, and Clark lets it go, presenting the office with a new espresso machine as a gift from Jan, along with a bunch of different flavors. Oscar's all excited about it, and corrects Meredith's mispronunciation of "espresso" before realizing she pronounced it correctly.

Dwight comes and finds Clark in the annex later, giving him some props for his "small part" in landing the White Pages account. Clark offers to let Dwight share half the commission, like that's going to happen, but Dwight instead gives Clark a chance to pretend to be his son for a sales call. Clark would even be willing to pretend to be Dwight's friend if it means becoming a salesman, so Dwight presents him with a hung-up replica of the exact puke-tone suit, shirt, and tie Dwight is wearing right now.

In the kitchen, Erin joins the line at the espresso machine. Pete wanders in, apparently not having seen her for a while, but she blows him off, already stressed out about the pens coming in later. "I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust," she THs. "About the pens." Good, because I'd hate to think she'd feel guilty about Andy.

In the car, Darryl confesses to Pam that he's not good at interviews. "I had Andy's job in the bag until the interview," he claims Pam tells him not to be nervous, because it's just a bunch more dorks like Jim. "I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair." Aw, that's so sweet.

At Stone & Son, Dwight and Clark (who has opted not to wear the Dwight-provided suit) are meeting with Stone (H!ITG Ed Lauter), who remarks on the symmetry of a father/son sales team at a father/son business. Dwight and Clark chuckle and lay it on pretty thick.

Oscar says he kind of wants to try all the different espresso flavors, and the other employees agree. Oscar embarrasses himself by singing out "YOLO," and they do a power circle. They have to bring it over to Angela, though, and by the time it's over, Phyllis wonders what happened to her ring. "I'm sure it'll turn up," Creed breezes.

Darryl and Pam arrive at the new office in Philly, which looks like a stereotypical loft-warehouse-startup space, complete with lots of activity. Jim barely has time to greet them in the middle of his busy day, and leaves them to wait so he can go do more startup stuff.

Dwight has sent Clark out to the car to get some brochures and in his absence, is talking to Stone about how great he is. Stone can't relate, saying his son hates him. Dwight turns on a dime, saying his relationship with Clark is also bad and then yelling at Clark when he returns. Clark is a little slow to catch the snap, but when he does, Dwight says, "Yes, genius. Stupid, stupid genius!"

Jim has just finished giving Pam and Darryl a tour of the place, warning them that he doesn't even have a paycheck yet and startups go down all the time. Darryl says that it's a company he'd totally want to go down on. Clearly he's already in interview mode. He and Jim leave Pam to wait around awkwardly.

Erin now has an open case of pens sitting behind her at Reception like a Bic telltale heart. She THs that the delivery went amazing, but now she's torn between unpacking the pens and looking like a credit-hogging busybody, and not unpacking them and looking like a lazybones. As a result, her nerves are shot. Then she remembers the question. "No, I've never had an espresso before. They're good, though."

By M. Giant

Employees are still downing espressos in the kitchen, and there's getting to be a weird energy in there. And a lot of it, as Kevin starts doing lifts with Angela.

Clark is trying to conduct an actual sales call, but Dwight is more interested in putting him down for Stone's entertainment benefit, sharing such tidbits as how Clark dated a transvestite. Clark in turn accuses Dwight of having killed some promgoers while drunk-driving, and Dwight accuses him of lying, like when Clark used to collect "treats" form the cat box. "Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers...you can't make this stuff up." Clark says someone could, "Someone with very few friends!" Son walks in, and Stone contemptuously introduces him. "Cat turd collector written all over him," Dwight scoffs. He really needs another setting besides eleven.

Darryl's interview is at a round table in a conference room with Jim and the other partners, and it's not going well, as he makes a juvenile comment when someone uses the word "mandate." Darryl decides he's wasting their time and is about to leave, being an unqualified warehouse manager and all, but the others assure him that they're, like, a newspaper editor, a science teacher, a home shopping network employee, a lawyer, and some paper salesman, the last of whom advises Darryl to picture everyone naked. That lightens the mood, so Darryl sits down again and passes out some binders he put together. "Wow, this guy came prepared," he says.

In Scranton, people are back at their desks. "So this is what two PM looks like around here!" Stanley says cheerfully at a time when he's usually having his siesta. Erin has opted for unpacking the pens and is in the middle of doing so when Pete wanders up and idly remarks that she's like the new office administrator. Erin claims, "I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear." Kevin starts scooting around in his caffeine fit and talking about Erin gunning for Pam's job, prompting her to panic and start packing the pens up again.

By M. Giant

While Pam is waiting near the front at Jim's office, the Athlead receptionist remarks to her about on how it's too bad that Jim still has to work part-time in Scranton. Pam says that she thinks of him as working part time here in Philadelphia. "We can't wait until you move here," the receptionist says, trying to be friendly but kicking over an apparent anthill of activity inside what passes for Pam's brain lately. Come on, Pam, even if you weren't halfway through the last season, how did you think this was going to end?

Dwight is still dissing Son to suck up to Stone when Stone reveals that Son is the one in charge now. Looks like they'll have to change direction again, which puts Clark in the lead seat. Neither Stone appears to have figured out the meaning of all these wild changes in pitch.

Darryl's interview wraps up, and the second take seems to have gone pretty well. Darryl confidently picks up an autographed basketball and says he'd fit like a Kevin Durant jump shot, "Perfecto." To begin with, that's a crappy analogy. And then it gets even worse when he shoots the ball at a hoop on the wall and misses, sending the ball careening at a wall sconce that drops sizzling into a tank below, shorting it out and electrocuting the fish inside. The humans in the room stare in openmouthed shock, Darryl chief among them.

Later, near Reception, Pam points out to Darryl that it's not his fault; she doesn't blame Cece for spilling milk that she, Pam, left on the edge of the table. "So I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario?" Darryl clarifies, not exactly cheered. Pam points out that Darryl currently has a job, with people who love him. Darryl allows that he's not sure he'd like Philadelphia anyway, only seeing his daughter on weekends and all. Pam eagerly agrees, arguing that Philly isn't so great. Jim comes in and announces, "The consensus was that that was unique, they're gonna make you pay for the fish, and they want to know when you can start." Darryl is all excited and hugs them both, as Pam guesses he has to move to Philly after all. In a TH, she lies that she's not upset, but excited for Darryl. "Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him." And I'm sure the documentarians are also disappointed that they won't have to pull teeth with her any more.

At the office, the entire Accounting department is sweaty, overheated, and borderline psychotic.

Clark is now running the sales call, which includes mocking Dwight's outfit. "Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?" Son snarks. Clark asks Dwight to buy him a suit from the Stones so he can "get a real job and move my lazy ass out of your G.D. house." Cut to the other three standing outside a changing room, Son talking up the Italian silk. Dwight puts it down, until he gets a load of Clark actually wearing it. "I guess it does make sense buying from a father-son team," Dwight says, and adds that he'll take one too.

By M. Giant

Oscar decides to harness all the excess energy in the office by having everyone try moving the copier into the annex. They drag it about a foot, and take a strip of carpet with it. Nellie is horrified at how much trouble this is going to get them into, but Oscar points out the lovely parquet hardwood beneath. "I always knew it was down there, I just never thought I would actually see it," he says dreamily. They decide on the spot to tear up all the carpet.

Driving back to Scranton, Darryl is totally excited, but Pam's pretty distracted.

At the office, the carpet project is not going well. Everyone has fallen to headaches and bickering, and strips are sticking up everywhere. Stanley suddenly realizes it's five o'clock, so they all drop what they're doing and try to leave, leading to a traffic jam in the parking lot as everyone tries to drive out at the same time.

Dwight and Clark triumphantly leave Stone & Son, wearing their new suits and feeling good about the sale they just made. Clark says to Dwight, that "really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right?" Dwight proudly says he used to collect them. "Each one is very different, like a snowflake!" And I can't imagine there were a lot of things to do in the Schrute household that were, you know, fun.

Pam and Darryl return to the office to find the place in total disarray, even if you disregard the carpet torn up in strips, which you kind of can't. Erin storms through and Pam asks her what happened. "You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. The pens happened. That's what happened." Surveying the damage after Erin leaves, Pam wonders, "Are the pens here?" Way to focus on the least important aspect of the situation, Beesly.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.