California, There He Goes

S08E23

Andy shows up at the office again, this time acting so down on his luck that he's willing to work as a lowly janitor. Of course, it's all an act so he can dramatically reveal himself as the new Regional Manager when David Wallace swoops in to announce his buyout of Dunder Mifflin, but he oversells it a bit. To the point where most of the other employees stage an intervention for him. When Andy reveals the truth, nobody believes him, and soon even Erin thinks that Andy may have finally lost his tiny little mind.

Also back from the wilderness are a couple of the former warehouse workers, who want their jobs back after blowing their lottery winnings on Hide's energy drink for Asian homosexuals. Darryl takes them down to introduce them to Val, and compliments her so highly that her jerk boyfriend takes jerky exception. Which is exactly what Darryl wanted him to do, and after declaring his intentions, he sits back and waits for Val to come to him. Which she does.

The backdrop for all this, if you'll forgive the pun (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't), is Dwight's "free family portrait studio" that he's set up in the break room. Jim thinks it's a scheme for Dwight to avenge himself for the latest prank that even I think is over the line, but it turns out Dwight's just trying to get a DNA sample from Angela's baby. After some unsuccessful collection attempts, Dwight ends up leading Angela on a high-speed chase with little Phillip's poopy diaper. I don't even know if you can DNA test poop, but I know I wouldn't want to.

Wallace eventually shows up, better late than never, and makes the announcement that Andy thought was going to be his big moment (it's not). The news includes the liquidation of the rest of Sabre, but Robert California somehow swindles Wallace into bankrolling his personal global sex tour. Nellie uses some Shakespeare to get Andy to hire her back as "Special Projects Manager," Angela and Dwight end up making out at the DNA lab, and her husband hits on Oscar in a way even Jim wouldn't be able to deny. And that's it for Season Eight, if not the whole mess once and for all.

Oh, and it's Gabe's birthday, but literally not one person cares.

We start with a webcam's-eye view of Oscar foolishly attempting to make an "It Gets Better" video in the office, the message of which is rather undercut by Dwight in the background telling Phyllis, "He's searching out younger gays." Then Kelly comes in to do her makeup in the webcam and after Oscar shoos her away, Robert pushes him aside to end the "reductionist pep talk." Then he puts his big face further into the camera and starts holding forth about how there's no such thing as normal sexuality any way. "It gets better, but it also gets vastly more complicated," he smarms. Kevin puts his face in there and ends up cracking both his head and Robert's. While Kevin cries in the background like a wounded toddler, Oscar concludes, "It gets better. Maybe not much better, but better." Just make the show better again, please.

After the mini-credits, we learn that Dwight -- who is still the building's landlord, in case you forgot -- has set up a free family portrait studio as a gift to the tenants of the building. He's presiding over the pictures being taken by an unspeaking photographer as Toby, Stanley, Creed and Meredith take part (Creed with his parents and boy have Toby and Meredith's kids grown since "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"), but Dwight is still pushing some of the other employees to bring their kids in -- especially Darryl, Angela and Jim. "I know why you're doing this, Dwight," Jim says. He THs that he may have gone too far last week, arranging for a replica suit of Dwight's to be made with Velcro and "You can fill in the rest." But we still see a shot of Jim running up behind Dwight in the parking lot and stripping him to his underwear in one motion. Yes, definitely too far. "Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it's fair to be cautious." Would have been fair not to be that much of a dickhead, Jim.

Hide and one of the other former warehouse guys are back in Darryl's office, having already lost all of their lottery winnings investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals, which, it turns out, has not done well. Unable to resist gloating, Darryl opens a pink can with the Japanese characters that transliterate roughly to "geh-ee" (yes, I've forgotten almost all of my Japanese, but I still know how to look it up) and takes a sip, against the other ex-employee's advice. "What flavor is that?" he asks. Hide says that it's "Coconut P---s." "The coconut's... pretty subtle," Darryl whispers, traumatized. The point is that they want their jobs back. Darryl's about to get into it with them, but then he sees Val crossing the office and starts to stand up. Then he sees her boyfriend Brandon following her and sits right back down. He THs that if he were Val, he'd break up with Brandon and "date the heck out of me... I would go crazy on myself."

A very ill-groomed, disreputable-looking character in a dirty coverall shuffles in. On second glance, it turns out to be Andy. This tragic figure, slouches into Nellie's office, literally gets on his knees and begs a horrified Nellie for any job at all, no matter how humiliating. She generously ("generously" = "to get him out of her office") allows him to clean the carpets for today. He bows and scrapes out of there and then waggles his eyebrows at us conspiratorially. Out in the hallway, he tells us, "I have a delicious secret." Yeah, we know. After a quick clip of him cleaning the carpet with a mop and a bucket, his hallway TH shows him unable to keep it in any longer. As hinted last week, he convinced David Wallace to buy back Dunder Mifflin from Sabre and at three o'clock today, "Wallace is going to walk in here and reinstate me as manager!" This has to be Andy's Michael Scott-est move ever.

Pam schleps the Halfperts in for the family portrait, much to Jim's horror. She admits that like Jim, she's not a hundred percent sure Dwight won't harm a child. "But it's free and we'll keep an eye on them and we will make sure Dwight will not do anything C-R-A-Z-Y!" The head into the break room and arrange themselves in front of the backdrop, with Jim giving paranoid glances all over the room and shielding the kids with his arms. The photo is snapped and Jim seems surprised that that's it. For someone who just cruelly Photoshopped Dwight last week, he should know better.

Or, you know, maybe it's not all about Jim for once. Angela's husband shows up with their baby, since his office got a call about the free portraits. Angela's been flanked, so Erin gives them a map to the break room. Dwight greets them and asks to hold the baby, but Angela's not having that. She THs, "I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to get a sample of my baby's DNA to prove he's the father. Which is impossible. Because the Senator is the only man I've ever been with." Dwight watches evilly as the Liptons get set up for their picture, in a way that pretty much confirms Angela's theory. After the ads, he produces a comb to fix the baby's hair, but Angela slaps it away.

Andy's in the bathroom dousing himself with booze. Gargling with it, though, proves to be a bad idea. "It's go time," he says after he recovers. Cut to him in the bullpen, pathetically offering Nellie a bowl of tomato soup, which he spills on himself and the freshly mopped carpet and then licks off his dirty coverall to the horror of all assembled. Later, while he's waiting for the elevator, Erin catches up to him and reminds him that even though there's going to be a great payoff, "After you're manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake." Andy starts to explain, but Erin wisely says, "Just calibrate. Okay?" When did she get so smart?

By M. Giant

Dwight comes after the baby with a pair of nail clippers, but that doesn't work either. Neither does the cheek swab. But the baby makes a poopie, so the senator carries him out of there for a change while Dwight watches with a Joker-like grin.

Darryl leads the two ex-warehouse guys down to talk about how great Val is, right outside her open office door. Hearing this, she smiles, but the previously-unseen Brandon sticks his head around the door and accuses, "That's some pretty blatant complimenting you're doing there, man. I don't even talk to her like that." Darryl says he would and freely admits that yes, he's hitting on Val. "Just so everyone's on the same page." Brandon scoffs and insults Darryl's weight. "Good slam," Daryl says calmly. "Good luck to you." He doesn't actually mean that, you know.

The Senator returns to the portrait studio, but Angela says the photo session is over. Dwight, however, is seen carrying a bag out of the bathroom. "No! Dwight!" Give me the diaper!" Angela shrieks, pursuing him all the way to the exit -- and out of the parking lot, in the second car chase on The Office in as many episodes.

Toby gets Andy into the conference room for an intervention with Nellie, Kevin, Darryl, Pam, Jim, Oscar and Erin. Andy assures them in an old-man voice that he'll be fine, but Jim's not buying it. "What was that accent? And last time I checked you were drunk, now you're not drunk?" Andy checks his watch, and gives Erin a significant look. Realizing she needs to fill time, Erin says he's been taking it out on her. The others react in actual horror and Andy tries to calibrate that, but is relieved to hear a knock in the conference room door. "Happy birthday to Gabe!" Gabe says, coming in with a party hat and a sad little cupcake with a candle in it. "Oh get out, Skeleton Man!" Nellie blares, sending him scurrying. Andy's cell phone goes off and he suddenly breaks normal as he ducks out to take a call from Wallace -- who apparently isn't going to make it until Friday. So now Andy has to drop the act and says that although it won't be as delicious as he thought, it's still a tasty surprise: "I got my old job back!" That proclamation, and the supporting information that David Wallace hired him back, only earns him more sympathy. And the news that Wallace is now a multimillionaire from "Suck-It" is even less convincing. Erin assures the others that he's not making it up and tells him about talking to David Wallace all the time. But when they ask if she's ever seen Wallace herself, she seems about to join the intervention for real. "Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?" Toby asks carefully.

By M. Giant

Angela is chasing Dwight down what is clearly a California highway. He's on his cell phone saying, "Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready!"

Kelly poses with her new boyfriend and then Ryan poses with a sign saying, "KELLY, I KNOW YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE BUT I LOVE YOU. I WILL WAIT FOREVER." Thanks, Ryan, for jumping on that annoying trend of people putting up photos of themselves with handwritten messages. I was afraid you were going to miss one.

Robert's alone in the conference room with Andy, telling him it's time for him to go and that he's better than this. "Everyone is better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen." And then Robert he takes a hefty swig of Geh-ee®. "Why'd they add coconut? I miss Original," he muses. Andy, hearing a commotion out on the bullpen, comes out to see everyone greeting the late-arriving David Wallace. Andy hurries over to a spot near the reception to take up his janitor bit again, like a stage actor late for a cue, as Wallace explains to the curious employees that he's been talking with Andy. "What? Thought I heard my name," Andy slurs. "I'm the new manager?" Wallace says he'll get to that, but Andy's not about to let his big dramatic moment go by, even as Wallace is trying to give the details. Eventually Wallace gets control of the announcement. "It did not go as I thought it would," Andy THs with a Scottian sense of disappointed entitlement.

In a residential area (also in California, obvi), Dwight squeals around a corner and turns in to an alley right to another brown Trans-Am, which pulls away with Angela in pursuit of that car. This sting is turning out to be a major investment.

Back at the office, Wallace is explaining that Jo Bennet is going to liquidate Sabre. "Oof!" Robert exclaims good-naturedly. "Wouldn't want to be a Sabre employee right about now!" He says he's the CEO. Wallace thinks this about to be an awkward moment, but Robert says it's for the best. "I never understood that corporate mess," he understates. He shakes Wallace's hand and introduces himself as "Bob Kazamakis," triggering a double-take from Jim and leads Wallace into the conference room for a rundown. "Guess I better take off these dirty rags," Andy says, struggling out of his coverall to reveal that underneath, he's dressed for the Oscars. Surprising no one. He muses out lout that he'll need to figure out how to manage this place. "Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy," Jim says helpfully. "God, I hope so," Andy says, not as relieved as you'd think that someone is finally following the script in his head.

Angela forces the imposter Dwightmobile to stop and finds Mose behind the wheel, clean-shaven and wearing one of Dwight's jackets and glasses. Angela tries to beat Dwight's whereabouts out of Mose, but he makes a short-strided break for it. And that's a wrap for Mose until Dwight's spinoff, I'm guessing.

Darryl and his daughter pose for a photo and Val joins them in front of the camera, taking Darryl's hand. That was the most abrupt resolution to a long, drawn-out C-plot ever. But at least now The Office has cemented its reputation as the resource for learning how to steal someone out of a relationship with someone else. I haven't been keeping score, but I think this makes 23.

Nate, the half-deaf warehouse worker, steals the Sabre sign from under the Dunder Mifflin sign in the hall. Good riddance, I guess.

Andy enters his once and future office and clears his throat expectantly. "Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all," he THs. Cut to him at the desk and Nellie humbled in the guest chair. She just wants to say one thing: "The quality of mercy is not strained." Andy clearly has no defense against The Merchant of Venice. "How dare you play the Bard Card?" he demands as she goes on with the speech. His TH says, "I just want one motherfucking delicious moment. Is that too much to ask?" Defeated, Andy asks Nellie what she would do if he hired her back and she says, "Special projects manager. That's my background. I just go around doing whatever I want!" But they already have Pam for that. "All right, you sly bastard," Andy says. "When can you start?" Oh, hot damn.

Ryan poses with another sign, this one a "missed connections" ad aimed at a blonde from the coffee shop.

Wallace and Robert -- sorry, Bob -- emerge from the conference room. Wallace explains that with himself as the new CEO, Bob will be redundant, but Robert explains how he'll be traveling the world "educating" young women right up through college age. "Especially the gymnasts. They've lost so many years of crucial education." The employees look on in disgusted disbelief as the former Robert goes on at great length and grossness. Then he gives Andy a big hug, and a kiss on the lips. "It's been a great year," he lies. Good call, Spader. Get out while you can.

Angela rushes to the lab and finds Dwight in the waiting room, awaiting the results that will come out... in 72 hours. She sits down to him and takes his hand so they can wait together, I guess. After a minute he grabs her and kisses her. To her credit, she resists for almost ten seconds.

By M. Giant

Ryan poses with another sign, this one a "missed connections" ad aimed at a blonde from the coffee shop.

Meanwhile, the Senator (with the baby) emerges from the elevator to find Oscar at the coffee shop. "You didn't call." Oscar stammers about his concern with some issue, but the senator interrupts, "You know what this is about. Call." Then he cocks an eyebrow and leaves Oscar gasping for air. And probably a can of Geh-ee®.

Season Eight, everybody. Word just came while I was doing final revisions that the show will be back for a ninth season, but probably without Dwight, Kelly or Toby. See you fall for the Jim, Pam, Andy and (maybe) Ryan show!

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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