Twelve Angry Coworkers (Give or Take)

S08E13

Jim has returned from a week of jury duty... except what nobody in the office knows is that he was dismissed after only half a day, and spent the rest of the week at home with Pam and the kids. But Dwight quickly spots the holes in Jim's story, and makes it his mission to get Jim busted and then fired. Jim, wisely or unwisely, decides to take Andy into his confidence. Andy's response, after his initial indignation, is to decide to cover for Jim. The two of them can't quite pull it off, however, and when Jim publicly confesses, Dwight thinks he's finally won for good. Except that as mad as the other employees are at Jim for making them cover for him last week, Andy refuses to fire him. Looks like Dwight's going to have to go to Gabe.

Only Gabe's not in the office. Instead, he's part of the delegation (along with Oscar, Kevin and Erin) who have gone to visit Angela and her new month-early baby at the hospital. Oscar expects to meet a tiny preemie, but when the kid turns out to be full-sized, he soon realizes the baby wasn't conceived when Angela says it was. As though it's any of Oscar's business, he gets Angela to confess that the baby was conceived before she and the state senator were married. Then, when Dwight shows up at the hospital looking for Gabe, Oscar immediately blabs the truth to him about the conception of Angela's baby. Dwight is galvanized by the news, because it seems he and Angela had a little one-night stand a month before her wedding. Although she denies everything, Dwight is beyond thrilled to have brought a Schruteling into the world, and isn't exactly going out of his way to be discreet about it.

Jim decides to have Pam bring the kids into the office to try to charm his way out of trouble, but it doesn't go as planned. Which is actually good for him, because when his coworkers see how ill-behaved the Half-perts can be, all is forgiven. Even by Dwight, whose new status as a secret baby-daddy has given him a new, fatherly perspective on life. At least until week.

Apparently Andy occasionally deals with stress by going down into the warehouse and dancing to "Footloose," making a big mess of the place, which we get to see at some length. "Sex also works," he matter-of-factly talking-heads. Fortunately, we don't see that.

Jim enters the office, apparently having just returned from jury duty. Most people seem more excited about the experience than he does, explaining that it was just a hit-and-run case where they didn't even convict the guy. Jim THs that although he was indeed called in to jury duty, they cut him loose at noon and he didn't bother coming in for a half day. And then the day he stayed home to help Pam with the kids. "And then...three other days happened." Totally out of his hands.

Word comes in that Angela had her baby. Kevin offends Darryl by wondering if it was born black, then learns that he didn't win the birth pool. "Right month, wrong year," Erin tells him. Some of the employees talk about going to visit, but it's not going to be an overwhelming turnout, mainly just Angela's fellow accountants Kevin and Oscar. Oh, and Gabe, who has creepy reasons of his own for wanting to visit the maternity ward.

In the break room, some of the employees are asking Jim for details on his case. He tries to blow it off, but when he hears their sob stories of how they had to cover for him during his absence, he starts feeling guilty and making shit up. Unfortunately, Toby's also been on "j-duty," with the whole Scranton Strangler case as you recall, and he makes a reference to Ernesto's, which Jim agrees was their favorite restaurant. Actually, as Toby corrects, it's a food truck. Off to the side, Dwight quietly observes the discrepancy.

Before entering Angela's room, Oscar reminds Kevin, Erin, and Gabe to be sensitive about what will certainly be the tiny size of Angela's premature baby, who wasn't due to be born for another month. They enter the room, where Angela, her husband the state senator, and a rather large baby with the suitably impressive moniker of Phillip Halstead Lipton are hanging out. Of course Kevin blurts out how fat the kid is, because Oscar didn't prepare him for that.

Back at their desks, Dwight easily catches an inattentive Jim in an inconsistency in his story about the case, and stands up to loudly bust him and challenge him to single combat. Andy comes out to ask what's up, and even though Dwight tells him Jim was lying about jury duty the whole time and thus needs to be fired him immediately, Andy insists Dwight take a chill pill. Which he mimes giving it to Dwight complete with a glass of water and then makes Dwight mime swallowing. Now fully chilled, Dwight quietly asks Andy if Jim would be fired if he were lying about jury duty. "Yeah, of course -- fire him to Timbuktu," Andy chirps, patting a suddenly nervous-looking Jim on the shoulder on his way back into his office. "Good enough for me," Dwight says, chill-ly.

After the ads, Jim has just finished coming clean to Andy in the stairwell, and the boss isn't taking it well. "Nobody's ever lied to me before," he grouches. Rather than bringing up, oh, let's say, Season Five, Jim proposes telling everyone the truth. But after what he said earlier about firing Jim, Andy insists on keeping it quiet. "Ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up? You know why you never heard of it? Covered it up." He assures Jim that he's so good at keeping things under wraps they used to call him King Tut. But then he admits in a TH that he was actually known as King Butt, well, because of his king-sized butt. Remember when The Office wasn't like any other sitcom? That was awesome.

In a further effort to catch Jim out, Dwight has arranged for Ernesto himself to bring his food truck to the office park, ostensibly to deliver lunch to the employees. Of course Ernesto remembers Toby (we can tell that even without the shaky translation from the half-deaf warehouse worker), but has no memory of Jim. Luckily for Jim, Andy's there to help cover for him, and as Dwight keeps pushing, he tells him, "Hey, Murder, She Wrote, how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, huh?" In fact, Andy claims to have driven Jim to the courthouse every morning himself. With that, he and Jim duck back into Andy's office, where Andy blames Jim for his crappy lie and Jim argues that Dwight's onto them so they need to tell the truth. "I don't even know what the truth is any more," Andy dramas.

In Angela's hospital room, there's a whole bit about the weight of the baby, which apparently Angela announced was five pounds but the senator says is more like nine. Angela blames it on the drugs. "I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert." Oscar presents the present he brought (all but tipping us a wink when the senator compliments the gift-wrapping) and it turns out to be a preemie onesie. In a TH, Oscar informs us that the baby is obviously not premature, so Angela was lying about the conception date. "And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow." Well, clearly the "mind your own business" thread has been ruled out.

During a quiet moment in the office, Jim abruptly stands up and announces that he actually took most of last week off, trying to play it like a joke. But of course nobody laughs but Dwight. Stanley and Darryl both yell at Jim, and Darryl reminds Andy that he said he drove Jim to the courthouse. Andy, horrified at being hung out to dry, sticks to his story, but Dwight's already grabbing a box to help Jim clear out his desk. "I always thought I was going to defeat you somehow, but you've defeated yourself." Andy tells Dwight to quit it, and as far as Jim's punishment, he delivers, in front of the whole office, a gentle bitch-slap to Jim's cheek. Disgusted, Dwight throws down the box he was packing. Out in the parking lot, he leaves what must be the latest of many voice mails for Gabe. He tells us he's going to "let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle." That would be even funnier if my spell check had any problem whatsoever with the word "stickle."

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With the senator out of the room, Oscar finally calls Angela out: "The only premature baby in this room is the baby that this baby ate." Finally Angela confesses that the baby was conceived nine months ago, before her wedding, after a viewing of Thor and chicken marsala with too much wine in it. Oh, I think we've all been there. Angela swears Oscar to secrecy. Unfortunately, we already know she's not much for swearing.

Dwight shows up at the hospital looking for Gabe, but first he finds Oscar in the waiting area, who manages to sit on the big secret for almost a full minute before blabbing to Dwight that Angela's baby was conceived a month before her wedding. Dwight seems to actually care, which is amazing, until you realize that he cares a lot, which suddenly makes it less amazing because, well, you know.

Dwight storms into Angela's hospital room, takes one look at the baby, and sees what he was expecting. "Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose... you will lead millions! Willingly, or as slaves." Out in the hall Dwight flatly declares, "That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine." Back in the room, Angela's about to breast feed, and the senator wants no part of that, although Dwight is more than happy to stay.

Jim has now made Pam schlep the kids up to the office to help get himself out of trouble. Nice to see Pam again, even if Jim is stressing at her about how excited she needs to seem about being back. Up in the office, she stages a fake surprise entrance with the kids, at which Jim pretends to be just as surprised as everyone else. "Hey, Angela's back with her baby!" Creed announces. Pam introduces the other Phillip, asleep in his stroller. She puts on a big show of handing out pictures to everyone that were supposedly drawn by Cece. Of course, the problem with this plan (other than the obvious fact that it's drawings and not cookies) is that Cece's old enough to talk, but not old enough to lie (at least not for other people) so everyone quickly figures out that Pam was the one who drew them. Not helping, in other words. Jim decides to wrap this up before any more damage is done, and he and Pam look unhappy when both kids start crying while everyone watches. Which, after all, is probably the best thing that could happen.

In the privacy of the hospital room, Dwight insists that the baby is his in highly and rather upsetting specific terms. He recounts a story that begins nine months ago, with her confessing to Dwight that the senator wasn't "fulfilling" her (probably on account of being gay and all) and ends with a sentence that includes the word "inserted." Angela denies it all, and they're still arguing when the senator comes back in. Before saying goodbye, Dwight holds the baby up to the senator's face for comparison, and seems satisfied with what he sees. On his way out, he tells a nurse to cancel the circumcision. That's not going to happen, but Dwight is large with the not caring.

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By M. Giant

Back at the office, Jim and Pam are trying desperately to calm the kids, or at least clear them out of there, while their coworkers look on in mounting horror. Jim promises to be right back as soon as he gets Pam and the kids into the car, but the employees say they'll just see him tomorrow. As Darryl puts it in a TH, "I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation." The Halperts exeunt omnes.

Dwight returns to the office puffing on a cigar and emitting clouds of paternal smug almost as thick as the smoke. Gabe shows up, wondering what Dwight wanted to tell him, but Dwight's over it. He THs of Jim, "He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?" Indeed, he's putting a set of those family decals on his car's back window, showing a dad and a son. Angela's going to love that.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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