Wondering why Robert picked Andy as the new boss? So is Andy, frankly. When Robert challenges Andy to inspire the office to double their sales, Andy is totally at a loss as to how to do it. Pretty much all he comes up with is a lame incentive plan for cheesy (and in at least one case, highly inappropriate) prizes, based on a points system. Unfortunately for Andy, Jim asks what they get for impractically high numbers of points, and Andy comes up with different ways to humiliate himself for different values. The good news -- and bad news -- is that after he says he'll get a tattoo of their choosing on his ass for five thousand points, they get right to work meeting that goal. Which they do, that very day. Long story short, Andy unwillingly lets the employees take him to the tattoo parlor to make it look like he's permanently crapping out a baby. Jim privately assures Andy that nobody actually expects him to do it (which is probably a lie), and after Andy has an epiphany about inspiring his employees, he presents his buttocks for decoration. The group has indeed taken pity on him and he finds himself with a Nard-Dog tattoo instead, and a whole staff cheering for him. So we get to find out why Robert picked him after all.
Also, Pam and Angela start taking pregnancy walks together, and Darryl appears to be getting back together with his ex, Justine. And Dwight is just aggressively coasting, which I didn't previously know was possible.
Jim asks Kevin for a favor with some paperwork, and he doesn't seem to notice until he's walking away that Kevin answered with "Yes, me do." Later, Jim brings Pam over to hear Kevin talk that way some more. Pam's a little worried about Kevin, but he assures her, "Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night." Pam and Jim want to get him to the hospital, but Angela and Oscar insist he's fine. "He's making a statement," Oscar explains. "It's an ironic comment of our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin." Has Oscar been listening to Robert California podcasts or something? But Kevin does a Tarzanning-head in which he explains that his non-English-speaking mechanic understands him just fine when he talks this way, and they're best friends. "Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?" Pam and Jim bring him in to Andy, who makes up the office's "word code," explaining it in terms of a dress code and saying Kevin's doing the verbal equivalent of walking around in his underwear. Kevin argue he save time. But then Jim demonstrates that Kevin's ambition of either "see world" or "SeaWorld" is taking him more time to explain, so Kevin gives in. For now. "When me president, they see," he THs.
So I guess these are the permanent credits. I've seen plenty of explanations why the showrunners and the network decided to make Andy the boss, so now we just need an explanation as to why Robert California would.
In an employee meeting in the conference room, Dwight shows off Sabre's new tablet computer, which is triangular and weighs three pounds. "How are we supposed to sell--" Stanley starts to say, until Jim deadpans, "I'll take five." Andy comes in for help picking out a tie and tie clip combo, and calls Oscar by his new nickname for him, "C-Span." I assume it's because Oscar follows current events, but Andy explains that it's short for Cocker Spaniel. "Spaniel, 'cause of your Spanish bloodline, and cocker, cause--" He almost stopped himself in time there. Dwight protests this use of their time, but Andy's still stressing about his first impression with Robert, which he thinks is still forming. Has Andy noticed that Robert doesn't even wear ties? Not for nothing, but Andy's also calling Dwight "Dee-Dub-Dawg." Dwight turns off the tablet (or the battery dies), and explains his new plan to us in a TH: "I'm going to sit around waiting for Andy's inevitable demise." Back in the meeting, Dwight small-talks to Oscar about "your friend Neil Patrick Harris." Are focus groups forgetting that Oscar's gay or something? Erin interrupts to say there's a message for "D-Dawg," and after some more Andy-inspired nickname nonsense, she tells Darryl that his ex Justine is coming by later. Kevin is confused, because he thought she was a [bleep] and Darryl [bleep] hated her guts, making sure to tell his offended coworkers that he's only quoting Darryl. Darryl happily says they're getting along now, and in a TH from his office, he says they resolved a lot of their old differences. He sings about their night, starting with a tune about a shower and discreetly lapsing into scat at the end. Scat singing! Gross, you guys.
Robert comes into the office unannounced like a walking Death Star, with a similar effect on most of the employees. Andy jumps up and Freudian-slips, "Hi, Dad! Aeehhuhh, oh boy." Glossing it over, Robert compliments Andy's tie, and after Erin offers Robert a cold beverage and he asks for coffee, Robert joins Andy in his office to say he thinks they can outperform Andy's sales projections. When Andy brings up the economy, Robert non sequiturs into asking Andy to guess why he chose him. Andy would rather try to guess Robert's favorite ice cream flavor -- vanilla -- or maybe that's symbolic. Robert says Andy will never guess in a million billion years, and asks Andy if he can inspire people. "Can I inspire?" Andy laughing-heads, and suddenly looks very, very worried. "I don't know." Erin brings an overflowing cup of coffee in for Robert, which turns out to be quite cold, because that's what she thought he was asking for in response to her offer of a cold beverage. While Robert looks at her in frank confusion, Andy takes one for the team: "I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee," he says, bravely sipping from the mug. As soon as Erin's gone to get Robert a warm-up, Robert realizes Andy likes her. After a long pause, Andy cops to it. "She likes you," Robert adds. Andy starts explaining, until Robert interrupts, "I'm afraid you've lost my interest."
Exit Robert, with the usual effect of making everyone out in the bullpen suddenly look super busy. As Andy follows him out, Robert asks the room at large why they're still there if the superstores were supposed to put them out of business. Kevin almost sidetracks the conversation with an overly literal answer, but Robert wrestles it back on course: "The era of personal service is back. You are back." He adds that customers will thank them for their higher prices, and they'll say, "You are welcome." For that, he gets a round of applause from everyone (and a kiss to the cheek from Erin, returning with his hot coffee). On his way out, Robert tells Andy loud enough for everyone to hear that he chose him for a reason: he wants him to "lead these people." And he wants Andy to do it by doubling last quarter's four percent growth. Andy chuckles amiably, joking that it's done, but Robert's serious. "Double," he repeats without turning around. To overextend the metaphor, Andy's peace of mind is now Alderaan.
Andy gets right to work inspiring people by sitting on Jim's desk, knocking shit over, and inviting everyone to "rap." Because that always worked so well for Michael. They don't think they can double their sales; after all, if they could, they already would have. Jim makes a few actual suggestions about any new leads or territories or a possible new big client, and since nobody else is coming up with anything that sounds less like work, Andy just says, "Fart," and stumbles back into his office.
Justine shows up when Kevin's using the fax machine at Reception in Erin's absence, causing him to get completely flustered until he panics and yells, "Darryl! A girl!" Darryl happily comes out and introduces Justine to "Jim.. Oscar... Everyone." Justine wants to go someplace private, so he takes her into his office and closes the blinds. That should cover it.
Andy finds Dwight in the kitchen mixing up brownies and acting like he doesn't care about profits. Andy makes small talk about the beet farm, which is just cover for fishing for ideas on doubling sales, until Dwight snaps, "You wanted the job, the job is yours, just do the job!" Then he pulls it together and says he'll do his, dumping walnuts into the mix. Kevin, through the window: "Noooo!"
Angela dumps a copy of Parenting magazine on Pam's desk. Pam and Jim tell Angela how much Cece loves it because of the pictures of babies, but Angela's point is that there's an article about how pregnant women should take walks frequently. So Angela is inviting Pam along on her morning and afternoon walks. "That sounds nice," Pam lies.
Andy has called a meeting, and unveils a table of random crap that he calls "incentives." Before he can explain how it works, Pam guesses that they earn points and redeem them for prizes. And earns a point in the process. But Ryan earns 20 when he asks, "Is that a vibrator?" "How does one get a point?" Meredith is quick to ask. Andy says to check their spam folders for the rules and regs. "Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator?" Kelly asks. Andy tries to show off some of the other items, and when Stanley suggests just paying them more, he says he can't. Kelly says the point system is insulting. "I hope you'll forgive me, because I am very, very sari, sixteen points," Andy smirks, draping a yellow tablecloth over his shoulder. Jim asks what they could get for, say, 500 points. Andy says that's so impossible that he'll wear a dress to the office, and for a thousand, "I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong." And for five thousand, he'll let them put a tattoo of their choice on his ass. Which of course he knows will never happen, until Jim reminds everyone, "You did say we could pool our points, right? So... let's get to work, guys." Well, now they look inspired, at least.
The office is buzzing with activity, like it's Boiler Room in there. Andy asks Jim (or T-Bag-Bone, as he's calling him at the moment) if there's a mood shift. When Jim downplays it, Andy says he sat to Stanley for years. "This is naptime. Open-eye naptime. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him." Stanley is indeed hard-selling a Sabre Tablet over the phone like an infomercial god, and Andy casually asks Jim if it maybe has something to do with the incentive. "Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass," Jim breezes. With that, he hands over a sales form worth 120 points, and asks for a point receipt in return, which he adds to the growing stack on Erin's desk before returning to his sales call, already in progress. Paper's flowing all over the office, Kevin is two-fisting his adding machines, and Erin's working on filling in one of those fund-raising thermometers in the shape of Andy's legs, with his ass as the goal. Andy looks a little put off by that, maybe because it's not a particularly flattering likeness.
Andy gets on the phone to one of his old professors, asking for tips on de-incentivizing. "I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass-tattoo incentive situations." By the time he's off the phone and looking out his window, Erin's finishing filling in the ass-mometer. "Took 'em one day," Andy says disgustedly.
So then the employees are going through the final designs to have applied to Andy's ass which include a vomiting clown with the caption, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am," and a "Do Not Resuscitate" stamp. Andy interrupts to offer his car for a thousand points or best offer, but when nobody's interested (it's a Prius with a big scratch on it, after all), Pam flips to the concept, an idea from Phyllis that's too nasty to show. Of course it's from Phyllis.
Cut to the whole office walking into the tattoo parlor. Pam shows the artist the concept drawing, which we still don't see, but the artist wants to clarify, "So coming out of his butt is a..." "Baby," Pam confirms. Andy is still looking for a way out, and when he miserably heads outside, saying he just needs a second, you can see the exact moment when it stops being fun for Jim.
He heads out to join Andy, and tells him nobody expects him to go through with it. Well, maybe some of them don't, but I'm guessing 88 percent of them do. Andy admits to Jim that he has no idea why Robert picked him, or even what he's doing. Jim asks if Andy likes the job, and points out that everyone else is having fun. "You did that." Which is very generous coming from Jim, who's actually the one who did it. Andy protests, "My ass is only so big. I can't do this every day." Well, like Jesus said, turn the other cheek. Jim says it'll buy Andy time until his great idea, "Which, by the way, I can't wait for." So he can hijack it to humiliate Andy, which he doesn't say. Andy confirms that nobody expects him to actually do it, and heads back inside, saying, "Let's ink my stink!" He THs, "My heart belongs to music, but my ass belongs to these people." He drops trou in front of everyone and dives onto the table, even though the artist would rather he just lower the pants a bit. "Sweating pretty heavily," Andy demurs. Pam hands the artist a new drawing to work from, with "a few adjustments." There's the de rigueur bit where Andy flinches at the cotton swab, and soon the needle is at work.
Afterward, everyone leaves happy, and we hear Robert explaining why he picked Andy. "He's all surface. Uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him." Out on the street, Andy goes up to a car's rearview mirror and pulls off the bandage to reveal a not-at-all-fresh tattoo of a cute puppy wearing a t-shirt that says, "NARD." "It's a Nard-Dog!" Andy grins happily as everyone applauds. "That's my nickety-name! I love it! I love it!" Jim: "Pull up your pants." Robert THs, "There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional." Well, okay then.
During Pam and Angela's inaugural pregnancy walk, Angela brings up an ethical dilemma about whether she should call Social Services on a pregnant coworker who's drinking caffeine. "That's pretty transparently me," Pam points out, and mocks that yes, Angela should call Social Services over the herbal tea she's drinking out of mugs that once held coffee. "I already did," Angela says. Pam suggests having their own pregnancies instead of pretending they're in it together. "Fine," says Angela, and they continue walking around the warehouse on the same course, just further apart. You know what else is bad for pregnant women? Being so goddamn uptight.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.