Michael has to go through his six hours of counseling with Toby, but he doesn't have to like it. Or even participate, as far as he's concerned. He shuts Toby out and explodes in rage when Toby tricks him into talking about his childhood. Toby gives up and lets Michael fill out the evaluation forms, but he does it so badly that Gabe makes them do the counseling again. Which at least results in Michael transferring his rage to Gabe.
After a year and a half of being in sales, Pam suddenly discovers that she sucks at it. With no commissions coming in, she decides to become the office administrator. It's all total bullshit, of course, but the way she goes about it gives us a pretty good idea of how Dwight may have gotten himself named Assistant [to the] Regional Manager way back when.
And the reason Jim's not there to try to talk her out of it is because he and Andy are too busy grooming Dwight to help him reenact the shunned customer's revenge scene from Pretty Woman. I know, but at least we learned that you shouldn't go shopping with your hands covered in beet juice.
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Jim and Pam show up late, not for the first time this week. After hearing that they've had to battle traffic to get back from Cece's day care center across town, Dwight informs them that there's going to be a day care center opening right here at the building. He talking-heads about his new idea to generate revenue as the building's new owner, and gives an evil laugh. "I guess it's not an evil idea, it's just a regular idea," he admits, "but there's no good laugh for a regular idea." Actually, it's not really a regular idea at all.
Dwight guides Jim and Pam down to the dank old storage room that I think was the former home of the Michael Scott Paper Company, and when he turns on the light, they're startled to see Mose there with a paint roller and a Cabbage Patch Kid in a Baby Bjorn. Dwight has transformed it into a "kid-friendly" space with an Insane Clown Posse poster, an eye chart on a rusty shower wall, and a "toy chest" full of plastic utensils from the break room. There's also a restroom, feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant -- which are actually a line of four identical pails. Jim asks who will be watching the children, and Dwight explains, "No one...the door locks from outside. Escape is impossible." Jim offers to let him prove it by locking him and Mose in there. But he shuts the lights off first, so at least Mose can continue painting.
Looks like Michael and Toby are having their first counseling session in the break room. Toby favors Michael with a patient, supportive smile, while Michael glares back at him in silent fury, at least until Toby tries to say something and Michael says he wants to smash Toby's face. Michael THs about last week's "outburst," spanking his nephew, and now his punishment is worse than hell. And poor Toby THs about how he has a chance to do some good. Back in the session, Michael accuses Toby of wanting to molest him, then mimes zipping his lip and throwing away the key. If only.
Dwight bursts into the bullpen shouting, "Boycott the Steamtown Mall!" Everyone's curious about what happened, but all Dwight will say is, "You don't want to know." Okay, I don't.
Toby keeps trying with Michael, trying the old "happy place." Strategy. Michael just smiles mockingly. Phyllis THs, "I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues and he's stupid."
Pam blows a sales call, and asks Jim to tell her everything's going to be all right. He does so. He asks him to tell her she's good at sales, but even Jim can't sell that. Pam THs how unfair it is that if you suck at sales you make almost no money. "I guess that's fair," she reconsiders.
It develops that Dwight has cancelled all of Andy's clients at the mall, "while using the F-word," and he plans to do the same with everyone's clients. Everyone asks again what happened, and Dwight sadly tells a story about wanting something fancy, but when the salespeople first ignored him and then started snapping him with their cameraphones. Kelly suggests Dwight go back and "Pretty Woman" their asses, and even though she tuned herself out, Jim suggests taking Dwight back there to teach them a lesson. Andy wants in, too. "Did you automatically assume I'd side with the rich, snobby shop owner?" Andy asks us, tossing aside his cufflinks and tie clip. "How about now?"
Toby is still trying to get something from Michael, who says they've done one hour and he wants to get the rest done. Toby says they don't count if he doesn't talk, and Michael's anger over that is the closest to progress he's gotten. But Michael THs, "Be careful what you wish for, Toby."
Dwight tries to explain the plot of Pretty Woman per his incomplete understanding, while Jim watches Andy do his hair. Andy takes the story over, until Kelly comes in and bogarts the punch line, the part where Julia Roberts says, "Big mistake." Much like this storyline.
A salesman comes into the office wanting to talk to the office administrator about window treatments, but who's the office administrator? "I am," says Pam, jumping up from her desk. And then she handles it by telling the salesman they're not interested. Pam explains to us about the two ways to get a promotion: "One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work." That's supposed to be a joke, but I once had a boss who advised me that if I wanted a promotion I should act like I already had it. I don't work for her any more, but still.
Michael has decided to "open up" to Toby by talking about being probed by ALF. "You might think he's a puppet. Never see the lower half, but there's a lower half." Somehow he makes it sound haunting.
In the kitchen, Oscar asks Pam when she became the office administrator. Pam makes up a story about how it happened a few months ago, and bounces various salaries off Oscar until she lands on one he seems to buy, even though he's just playing along. He knows, but she doesn't know he knows.
Jim and Andy present mid-makeover Dwight to the bullpen for their input. Kelly advises Dwight that his shirt and tie are "disgusto-barfo." What else is new? Ryan suggests Dwight lose his glasses, and Dwight stomps on them. Whereupon Pam and Kelly say they liked them. So does Ryan, of course. "I can't see," Dwight observes. There are also some lessons in manners, and he and Angela practice saying "thank you" to each other a few times. I'd tell them to get a room, but that won't actually be necessary.
Michael is now pretending to be a werewolf, but he killed three hours, so he figures they're halfway done. Then he blows his nose as obnoxiously as it is possible to do while still using tissue.
Pam visits Gabe to remind him that she was made office administrator before the Sabre takeover, but she hasn't gotten paid yet. "I'm not blaming you," she adds hastily. Gabe's relieved to hear it; all he needs from her is the signature of every department head so he can take it to Corporate. Pam looks ready, willing, and able to do that.
Toby admits defeat and offers to let Michael run out the clock by "playing games, drawing some pictures, talking." Michael gives us a victory bow.
Dwight's outfit has been augmented with Andy's sweater vest and he's promoted his necktie to the position of ascot. Don't ask me where he got the pipe from. Erin takes a picture of him with a disposable camera, which she then throws away in a gag from NewsRadio. She THs about how you should always use a real camera if you want to remember something, "but I don't care if I forget today." My DVR feels the same way sometimes.
Toby is playing Connect Four with Michael, which is how the subject of Michael's stepfather Jeff comes up. He remembers Jeff taking him to a baseball game, where the pitcher was taken off the field by the manager. "Jeff really respected the manager," Michael recalls. Toby is thrilled to be getting somewhere, not at all suspicious about how on-the-nose this all is.
While the guys are waiting for the elevator, Angela pulls Dwight aside to get her card punched. And you know how sometimes getting your card punched is used as a euphemism for sex? Not in this case; Angela has an actual card for Dwight to punch. Which indicates that she's asking him to come over to her place tonight to punch her card in the other sense. "Wear this," she says. "Don't forget the pipe."
Toby and Michael have moved on to cards, and a discussion Michael's dog who ran away, which Michael thought was because the dog didn't like him. Toby remarks, "it's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?" Slowly, the penny drops for Michael, although it's Michael, so drops in the equivalent of moon gravity. Michael gets pissed off and yells at Toby, saying he can't help anyone, including his marriage. Toby finally gives up for real and throws the forms on the table for Michael to fill out however he wants. "Thank you, doctor, take two of these and call me in the morning," Michael signs off with a double-bird. Is that one of those win-win-win scenarios he was talking about in "Conflict Resolution?"
Michael's still seething in his office when Pam comes in with a clipboard, which he signs before she's a half-dozen words into her speech. Pam THs about how there are a lot of department heads, with all the one-person departments, while we see her charming Meredith and Angela by more or less acting like them. Pam calls it "the scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone."
Gabe gets off the phone with corporate to take Toby to task about Michael's evaluation. "You marked 'severe' in all the categories, including 'at risk for homicidal behavior.'" Toby, after an uncomfortable pause: "Heh."
Pam has just gotten Darryl's signature, and has agreed to redo his office in corkboard like Kate Walsh's, which is where she is when Gabe finds her. In the conference room, he awkwardly explains that there's no record of her being office administrator. He doesn't want to accuse her of anything, but just wants things to go back to how they're supposed to be. He just wants to admit...but he can't bring himself to finish the sentence. Pam suddenly realizes this is her leverage. "Say that I'm lying or say I have the job," she says. "Make a definitive statement, Gabe." He refuses, and she advises him to let her know if he needs a new chair or anything. "Will do," he says. She's on her way out when he stops her -- he wants a nameplate. Fortunately he specifies that it should read "Gabe Lewis" and not "Gutless Loser." Nothing worse than a misspelled nameplate, you know. Pam THs that this is what you learn watching poker at 2 AM. "You play the opponent, not the cards." Wow, and to think when M. Edium was still M. Tiny I wasted all those late-night feeding times when I could have been learning shit.
Jim, Dwight and Andy are back at the store, where Dwight had his eye on a pewter wizard statue holding a crystal. Jim reminds Dwight that they're there for revenge, not commerce and up walks a sales guy, who actually looks a little like Dwight himself. Dwight launches into his Pretty Woman speech with his pipe clenched between his teeth, but Jim notices that the sales guy is trying to apologize, and explain that he told Dwight he was welcome back when properly dressed. Whereupon he shows a cell phone photo of Dwight in overalls, holding up what look like bloodstained hands. "It was beet juice! I'm a beet farmer, i--good sir!" In his consternation, Dwight keeps phasing in and out of character, until he finally remembers to brandish his prop shopping bags and say, "You made a big mistake. Huge!" Jim and Andy guide him to the door, but he's still buying the wizard.
Toby is in Michael's office getting yelled at about the forms, which, you recall, Michael filled out himself, Toby is still not giving up, suggesting Michael made a mistake on purpose, which Michael takes issue with. Michael would rather blame it on Gabe, and does a decent little Gabe impression, which Toby chuckles at. And which is enough to get Michael on board for another try. Toby really makes Michael a lot more difficult than he needs to sometimes.
Michael shows Toby the picture he drew of Angela and Dwight, in which she's taller. "I wonder why it feels like that," Toby says wisely. Ryan wraps up the episode up with a few trenchant thoughts (he thinks) on psychiatry and therapy, and then says, "I don't know. Just use the best one." Since they all sucked, we can't really do that.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.