Michael has finally succeeded in railroading Jim and Pam into going out with him and his girlfriend, who unfortunately is still Pam's mom. However, Pam seems to be coming around on that score. So of course Michael, suddenly freaked out that he's dating a 58-year-old grandma-to-be, picks that moment to dump her, at lunch, on her birthday, in front of Jim and Pam and everything. Pam's pissed off all over again, to the point where she literally wants to hit Michael in the face. He manages to avert that with a last-second apology, but earns it all over again by shooting off his mouth. Yes, Michael gets clocked by a pregnant lady.
Meanwhile, Dwight's latest campaign against Jim takes the form of racking up favors so everyone will owe him, which is complicated by the fact that Andy keeps one-upping him. He seems to have a breakthrough, though, when Michael is grateful to him for nursing his bruised puss. But he refuses to fire Jim to return the favor. At this rate, Dwight will soon have no choice but to order himself an Acme Jim-Trap and a case of anvils.
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Dwight makes the rounds of the bullpen with a basket of bagels, all the way from New York. Everyone thanks him for his thoughtfulness, but when he tells them, "You owe me," he's not just using it as an expression. Particularly when he goes into Michael's office and pushes one on him, despite Michael attempting to decline (along with some creepy allusions to his girlfriend [still Pam's mom] and her non-need for an aphrodisiac fish-stick sandwich). Dwight reminds Michael, "You owe me," and then talking-heads, "Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him any more? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?"
Dwight doesn't succeed in getting Pam to take a bagel, even with some sexist insight about how women are expected to refuse food on first offer. She THs that she has an early lunch -- specifically, a birthday lunch for her mom that Michael has planned. "No way out," she says breezily. And then again, less breezily.
Ryan is showing Erin a portfolio of photos. It starts with some basic, B&W photography-class crap to fish her in so he can ask her about participating in his "exposure in the workplace" series, an example of which is Kelly at her desk wearing nothing but a string of pearls and some blurry pixels. That is so fucking creepy. Can you imagine if Toby got wind of this? He would get so sad. Fortunately, right then is when Pam's mom rolls in, so Ryan has to slap it shut (unfortunately, no one slaps Ryan). Pam gets up and hugs her, giving Michael the chance to come out creepily and hug them both. You don't often see him move that fast.
Michael THs about how the birthday lunch will help Pam get over all her reservations. Less helpful on that score? Angela, who asks Pam, "Aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?" Pam's mom shows off the necklace Michael gave her, in her sleep that morning. "The rest of the story is censored due to inappropriosity," Michael says. "Because of sex?" Kevin duhs. Pam is horrified, and even Michael fires him. Jim gives Kevin an encouraging little head-shake before joining his wife, his mother-in-law, and his co-boss at the exit, but before they leave, Pam gets an urgent call from a client and says she can't make lunch. "Right as we were about to leave, too," Jim notes skeptically. "Isn't that always how it goes?" Pam says unconvincingly. "Rarely, if ever," Jim says, and takes over the "Really? That's great! Turns out the paper was there all along," he says, hanging up. Creed acts deeply relieved, but THs, "Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive."
In the car on the way to lunch, the "adults" are in the front seat with Michael driving and Jim and Pam in the back. Pam's mom, whose name is Helene, starts trying to coach Pam on her sales. So Pam's grateful when Michael says they shouldn't be talking about business. But that passes in a big hurry when he adds, "Today's about family." At the restaurant, Pam THs about her regret at getting into the car. "I could have struggled."
Andy comes into the kitchen and finds Dwight cleaning out the freezer as a favor to everyone, and says that in return for the bagels, he polished Dwight's briefcase for him. Andy boasts in a TH how strict he is with himself about returning favors and invitations. "Do not test my politeness," he warns. So Dwight is forced to follow Andy out into the bullpen, desperately trying to one-up him with favors, which Andy returns as fast as Dwight can come up with them. "This will only up my game," Dwight vowing-heads.
Michael has taken the "Scott Family" to one of Pam's favorite Italian restaurants from her childhood. She especially loves the chicken parm. "Maybe Michael will start dating that, too," she THs. Don't give him ideas. Michael leads them over to a table he's had covered with birthday decorations, which Pam actually kind of digs. And the digs continue, as Pam points out that this is her mom's ninth 49th birthday in a row. Her mom comes back with some math about Pam's six-month pregnancy and thirty-day marriage. "Burn. Burn on you," Jim says, trying to keep it light. Considering how often that falls to him lately, he should just wheel a helium tank around with him at all times. Meanwhile, Michael, who was already kind of bothered for some reason when he said the restaurant made him want to go to Italy and Helene said she was done with long plane rides, has done some math on his napkin and concluded that his girlfriend is 54. She corrects him to 59. Michael acts cool about it, but he's secretly a bit freaked. "I am not robbing the cradle," he claims in a TH. "If anything, I am robbing the grave." The discussion of whether she wants Pam and Jim's baby to call her "grandma" or "nana" doesn't seem to help matters.
After the ads, Michael's weirdness about Helene's age is starting to manifest itself in quizzing her about whether she'd ever do a triathlon, bungee-jumping, or snowboarding. Those are all a no, but at least she answers gamely, while Jim and Pam watch from across the table, knowing this is going somewhere but afraid to wonder where. "Do I want to go snowboarding?" Michael THs. "No, bit I'd like to if I wanted to."
In the conference room, Andy unveils a taco buffet for everyone. Dwight can't let that stand, so he insists on making everyone's tacos. I just noticed that the welcoming sign that Andy wrote on the flipchart reads, "Bienveneato!" which is so Andy it should get an Emmy.
Michael's second birthday gift to Helene is a scrapbook of their earliest memories together, and he's clearly regretting it even before she opens it. Pam's touched by his thoughtfulness, even as Michael tries to talk it down. "I think it sucks," he says after she reads the total non sequitur poem he stole from Shel Silverstein. She thinks it's wonderful, and Michael says, "That's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational sort of gap between us." She's still not catching the snap, and Pam tells him, "Home run, Michael." That's not something she gets to say every day. "That was a bunt," Michael claims. We can see the iceberg off the bow, but we can't seem to steer away from it.
Dwight is feverishly cleaning up after the taco buffet, even locking Andy out of the conference room when he tries to help. "Don't worry about it!" he shouts through the door. "You can just owe me!"
Pam comes and finds Michael at the restaurant bar and herds him back to the table for cake. He THs that he used to think he would grow old with Holly. "And then I met Helene, and she is great, and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do, and can tell me about it. But I think I want to do those things myself." Well, then, the only proper thing to do is to break up immediately, in front of her daughter and son-in-law, at her birthday lunch. Because we all know Michael can't have his girlfriend holding him back from doing things he was never going to do anyway for one more minute.
Back at the table, everyone's enjoying the cake except Michael, who tells Helene to enjoy it before he tells her something terrible. Well, she's sure to love it now. And then he makes her wait through the commercials before breaking up with her. "I have to consider Pam's feelings, as a friend and a coworker." She says it's okay: "You obviously make my mom very happy, and that makes me happy." Michael tries to act grateful, but insists on pushing on. He says she needs someone who understands her references. "Who is Kafkaesque? I've never -- I don't know him." Michael, you practically invented him. Then he makes up "another woman" named Italy. "And skydiving, and bungee jumping." Jim tries, "Okay, so..." but Michael rambles on that he wants kids, "And you unfortunately have already completed your journey down there." There's an awkward silence while the server refills their water glasses.
That's nothing compared to the awkwardness of the ride back to the office, with the women in the back this time around. Helene asks, "I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?" "Well, hobbies..." Michael begins. "Stop," Jim says.
Dwight comes upon Andy in the stock room trying to reach something on a high shelf, and when he offers to help, he discovers a Starbucks gift card, for everyone. "Surpriiiise!" Andy sings happily. Dwight frustratedly THs about his wasted day. "I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be THIS HIGH BY NOW!" he bitches, holding his hand thisfar above the carpet.
Michael calls Pam into is office, claiming it's a work-related matter when she resists. He says he's going to give her a raise for her good work. "I have the lowest sales record if anyone here," she protests. He says it's about attitude. "I have the worst attitude of any person here," she protests in exactly the same tone. But she'll take the raise, which is when Michael says there are strings attached, "From my heart to your mean attitude." He's not getting anywhere, even in his attempts to read her stony face, and he finally gives up and asks what she wants. "Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Do want me to get down on one knee and beg you?" Pam goes with door number two. Michael doesn't think she's serious, and she asks if he's kidding. He stutters, "Y-no." he offers to tense his stomach so she can do it right there, but she wants to wait until after work so they can do it in the parking lot, in front of everyone. "I'm going to hit you as hard as I can." Michael agrees, and Pam leaves happy. Does she still get the raise?
Ryan and Kelly come in and ask if he's scared. They seemed to be fooled by his downplaying of it, even if we aren't. "I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen," Ryan says, which is probably the most empathetic thing he's ever said in his entire life. Michael's brave front falters, but he says he's good.
But then he goes into Jim's office and asks, "Do you and Pam ever get frisky?" "Inappropriate," Jim answers easily, not even thrown by these questions any more. But he admits that they do wrestle sometimes, and when Michael asks if she's strong, he simply says, "She wants it bad, Michael." Michael asks if Jim can stop it. Jim says he can. "And I don't support her choice to hit you. But at the same time, she goes crazy!" Jim says he'll make a decision in a week or two.
Toby approaches Pam's desk to talk about what he calls "the hit." His position? It's fine if they're off company property. "And the power comes from the back foot," he adds, giving her some pointers while Michael watches from his office.
Everyone's waiting outside at the end of the day, but Michael's a no-show. Kevin's money's on Pam, and when Oscar points out it's not a fight, he plaintively says, "Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?" In the stairwell, Michael claims he's not scared to get hit, after all, people pay dominatrix's to hit them everyday. "I'm scared I'm gonna love it! Let's do this!"
Michael finally steps into the ring of employees with Pam. She raises her fist, and he flinches and throws his hands up. Twice. Angela tells him to put his hands in his pockets, and when Pam's fist goes up again, he stops her and says he's sorry. "What are you sorry for?" she asks, in that tone that indicates there is a right answer and a wrong answer, and God help you if you give the wrong one. Michael gives a vague answer, so she helps him out. "How about for dating my mom? And dumping her on her birthday?" Michael agrees, and Pam just shakes her finger in his face, telling him to never date a member of her family again. But when she turns away, Michael quickly says, "For the record, your mom came on to me." Pam swings back around, and this time her fist connects. "Holy crap!" Phyllis says. Pam asks if he's okay. "No!" he sobs childishly. "You're okay," she says, and walks off with Jim. "Feel better?" he asks her. "No, you were right," she says. Dwight walks Michael back into the office "Let's get some raw meat on that face." I think Pam took care of that already. Can you imagine her doing that in Season One? Or even Four? Or a month ago?
Michael THs that he saw his whole life flashing before his eyes. "And guess what? I have four kids and I have a hover car and a hover house, and my wife is a runner, and it shows, and Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together, and I am happy, and I am rich, and I never die. Doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me."
In the tag, Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to Michael's face. "I owe you one, Dwight," Michael says. Dwight looks at us, realizing this is his chance, and says, "Fire Jim." Michael refuses. Dwight gets pissed off and storms out. "This is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it." Michael feels better anyway. So everyone wins but Dwight. Which is as it should be.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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