After Michael submits to a clumsy insurance sales spiel from guest actor Mike Starr, Andy and Dwight get it in their heads that the salesman is in fact a mafia guy, shaking Michael down. Naturally, they are able to get that into Michael's head pretty efficiently as well. Dwight overrides Andy and Michael's intention to give in, but only temporarily. After Michael signs up for a policy he can't afford, Dwight comes up with a fix: tell Michael the salesman's not in the mafia after all. Since we already know that's the case, we're not too worried when Michael calls the salesman back to rudely shoot him down. At least until Michael gets such a big head from his courageous exploit that he's even more obnoxious and self-aggrandizing than ever.
And where are Jim and Pam during this time when their reasonable voices are so desperately needed? They're on their honeymoon, of course, present only as a couple of increasingly annoyed voices on the phone. And the fact that Kevin accidentally got their credit cards cancelled doesn't help.
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Michael's giving a presentation to everyone (save Jim and Pam, who are presumably on their honeymoon) about "fundamentals," a word which Michael points out has "mental" right in it, meaning they're mental if they don't have a good time. Toby points out that "fun" is in there, too, which gets him kicked out, which was probably his plan to begin with. Michael moves on to small talk, and after inviting Meredith up for a demonstration that quickly goes south (it involves "upper-deckers"), Michael says he could fill a book with what they don't know about business. "Then do it," Ryan says impatiently.
Cut to Michael in his office, dictating his book into a recorder, which has already outsold the Bible in his mind. "The businessman..." it begins. And ends.
Tiny credits!
Dude, Mike Starr is in the office! He's parked uncomfortably near reception when Michael walks in and gives Erin a hard time for making room for "Mr. Grotti" on his calendar, forcing the rescheduling of "creative space" and "free play." Michael makes a non-applicable remark about this being how the sausage gets made and invites Mike Starr into the conference room, promising to show him "a finished sausage." Andy watches this transaction dubiously from his desk.
Inside the conference room, Grotti talks to Michael about pride and responsibility and security. Michael's bored with his spiel, and THs that it's insulting for a great salesman to have to listen to a bad salesman. "Like making a good basketball player listen to a bad basketball player."
During Jim's absence, Kevin has been taking advantage of Jim's office, "to fart in." But now it's like his home, only better. "My home sucks."
Grotti is leaving, doing more bad insurance selling and knocking over the coat tree on his way out, as a ham-handed demonstration of this unpredictable world we live in. As Erin picks it up, he takes his leave, and the second he's gone, Andy and Dwight ask Michael what's going on. See, they've already decided that the visitor was a mobster. Looking out the window, Andy confirms that Grotti drives an SUV. Oscar wonders if that makes him a mobster too, but Dwight points out all the facts: "He seems like a mobster." Andy "explains" that the insurance selling is just this guy's front. Michael's not convinced, until he remembers the salesman's talk about warehouse fires, and trucks going off the road, and that Michael was vaguely threatened with testicular cancer. Oscar looks around vainly for support, then talking-heads about how with Jim and Pam gone, there's "not the usual balance between sane and others." "The coalition for reason is extremely weak."
In the bullpen, just about everyone is trying to make the case that the guy is in the mob. His name's Grotti, after all, just like Gotti. Michael ducks into his office, and his told to lock his door. "I'm not gonna lock my door, "Michael retorts impatiently, and locks his door.
Oscar manages to get on the phone with Jim and Pam. Jim's like, "Dude, we're on our honeymoon," but that's pretty warm and friendly compared to how Pam stone-cold shoots him down and hangs up on him. Ouch.
In Michael's office, Dwight and Andy are getting Michael all wound up about the follow-up e-mail from Grotti, reading it as a threat and giving Michael conflicting advice. "When someone threatens you, you give in right away," Andy advises. Michael was about to do just that, but Dwight insists they stand up to the bully. "Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people." His plan is for Michael to meet Grotti in public to show he's not scared. Andy likes the plan. "But I'm not going alone." Again, Dwight and Andy offer conflicting responses -- Dwight says they'll be right there with him, but Andy not so much.
Andy meets Michael and Dwight in the parking lot of a restaurant, wearing a mechanic's coverall as cover for the tire iron he's holding. They wait inside at a lunch table, Andy grossing out Michael with the tire iron on the table and Dwight one-upping that by dumping out the contents of the roach motel he found behind the toilet while looking for a gun. When Grotti shows up, he decides to move to another table. The DMers follow uncertainly.
Kevin gets a call from Jim's credit card company, checking on some unusual activity. Kevin kind of accidently pretends to be Jim, and ends up getting Jim's credit card cancelled. I'm not going to mention the name of the credit card company whose representative is so efficient and friendly. I won't even ask what's in your wallet.
Grotti Orders lunch rather brusquely, threatening to send it back if it's not just right. Michael tries to match his intimidating vibe, first by ordering something he heard about on The Sopranos and then by threatening to send his salad back if it comes on top of his spaghetti.
Kevin has asked Oscar for advice, and isn't happy to hear that he's committed identity fraud. "I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you." Oscar asks what he means. "Oh, you don't know about jail?" Kevin asks. "Oh, you would love jail."
A woman comes up to the lunch table, asking for Andy's help because she thinks he's a mechanic. Michael isn't happy to see him go, effectively reducing his backup by half. And the one with the tire iron, no less. Andy is even more at a loss outside with the car, eventually blowing it up, babbling excuses, and walking away.
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Grotti has just slid a letter of intent across the table for Michael to sign, and he gives in. On the way out, Dwight asks him why he folded. Michael tries to downplay it. "It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour," Michael excuses. Andy, on the other hand, praises him for being "man enough to back down." They get in their respective cars, and we get to see the stranded family talking to a real mechanic, who has a tow truck and everything.
Back in the office, Michael has gotten Jim on the line by claiming a massive coronary. Jim keeps pretending to cut out, repeating the gag several times and ending every time with, "and you'll be saved" Finally he ends with "Bermuda Triangle! Don't call again!"
Michael asks Oscar how to fix this accounting-wise. "Just call up and cancel it." Michael wonders if cash for clunkers can help. Oscar doesn't think so. Having overheard the exchange, Dwight goes and blames Andy. "It's 85% your fault," he accuses. He says they let Michael down, and they have to fix it. "What if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?" Dwight suggests the idea of making Michael think Grotti's not mafia after all. But how will they ever pull that off?
So they walk into Michael's office and tell him that he's clean, even making up elaborate stories about how they had their Fed and cop friends do a background check. "He's just a pushy salesman," Andy says. Gosh, that's almost a believable story. Michael's now pissed at Grotti for making him think he was mafia.
Michael gets Grotti on the phone, with Dwight and Andy there in the office with him to listen. Michael kind of goes off on Grotti, to the point where Andy and even Dwight are telling him to dial it back. After Michael finishes reading him the riot act, Grotti pleasantly invites him to call back if he changes his mind. But when he hangs up, the guys congratulate him for standing up to the mob. "I should be mad at you guys," he says. But he's not. Now he can go out into the bullpen and brag about how he faced down the mob. And then he demandingly orders Erin out to get him coffee, threatening to send it back if it's not just right. Wow, I never thought Dwight and Andy could pull if off, but they did it; they made Michael even more impossible to live with.
Kevin gets Pam on the phone, and she answers with, "Are you kidding me?" She says that they're on their honeymoon, having to deal with their credit cards being cancelled, so she's not in the mood for this. As opposed to before, when she was so sweet to Oscar. Kevin just tells her to say hi to Jim, and Pam sarcastically promises to make it her top priority. After hanging up, Kevin relaxes. "They have no idea what happened," he says. He loves a happy ending.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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