Now that they're co-managers, Jim and Michael's pissing contest is escalating rapidly. Things aren't improved much when they get word that there isn't enough money in the budget to give everyone a raise. Jim and Michael's conflicting management styles have them at each other's throats. But when Jim announces that his solution is to give raises to just the salespeople, everyone's pissed at Jim. And when Michael doesn't have a better plan, they turn on him, too. They end up besieged together in Jim's new office, but at least the misery causes them to bond. Meanwhile, Dwight tries to use the situation to foment a coup against Jim, and Pam tries to ask her coworkers for money in lieu of wedding gifts. Good thing the wedding is week so she can get a real storyline again.
So far, the person having the most trouble with the new Michael/Jim co-boss arrangement is Dwight. Michael won't sign Dwight's expense report because, as per Wallace, he's "big picture," and Jim -- now situated in an office behind Stanley that I never knew existed before -- won't sign it because Dwight won't say please. Dwight tries to bring his problem back to Michael: "I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office" nearly fishes Michael in, but it doesn't work. Dwight returns to Jim's office to make his complaint, but Dwight's answers to Jim's series of very serious questions ("Did he hit you? Did you cry? Did you feel like crying?") don't get Dwight anywhere. Of course we all know what this is really about. Dwight talking-heads about how he was the one who deserved that promotion. This leads into an elaborate fantasy about how much Dwight wants to defeat Jim in the wrestling ring, a fantasy that gets pretty loud until Erin sticks her head in and says, "Jim wants you to keep it down." Don't we all.
Michael is about to call everyone into the conference room for what threatens to be a very long meeting, but first Jim wants to talk to him in his office. But before that, Michael wants to talk to Jim in his office. Jim sighs and gives in. "Can I also be a boss?" Stanley mutters. Oh, this is going great. But just in case we're not getting the point, Oscar does a little deadpan TH about how any successful organization needs two leaders. "Where would the Catholic Church be without the Popes?" I see his point, but there are counterexamples. Like the Beatles, and...okay, I'm done.
In Michael's office, Jim is trying to have a serious talk with Michael about all the lengthy conference-room meetings they've been having lately...like the one about the planets. Michael claims that that was just a natural progression from the line of toilet paper they're introducing. Michael keeps purposely missing Jim's point, until Jim finally suggests no unnecessary meetings. "No more meetings this week," Michael agrees, to Jim's surprise. And not a little suspicion.
Pam regards the box of donuts in the break room, and tells Phyllis about her dilemma: she has to fit into her wedding dress, but she's pregnant. The pregnant wins, and as Pam turns with her donut to reveal that her middle is growing a bit, Ryan helpfully points out that it's a myth that pregnant women have to gain more than nine pounds. Phyllis rolls her eyes, because she's having one of her awesome moments, and asks Pam if they've registered for wedding gifts. Pam says they have, more out of a sense of obligation than anything else, but they'll also appreciate gifts off the registry..."However much." Yes, this is Pam's subtle way of asking for money as a wedding gift. Wow, between this and that microwave mess sign, Pam occasionally has a bit of a tacky streak. She THs about how it's awkward to be asking people for cash, but she needn't worry; Phyllis doesn't take the hint, and plans to give them a birdhouse mailbox instead. Or a mailbox birdhouse. They're equally useful.
Jim busts Michael having a meeting in his office, and tries to break it up, pointing out that they agreed to no more meetings. After trying to weasel out of it and make Jim look bad, Michael tells Jim that when it comes down to it, "What I want is more important than what you want." Jim disagrees. Michael throws the question out to the attendees, who don't give a clear answer. Jim says that per Wallace, he's a co-manager, but Michael isn't agreeing. "That is not how I heard it," Michael insists. Well, it wouldn't be.
Kelly talking-heads about how much she loves rivalries, but when it comes right down to it, "I have to go with LC. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible."
Michael is now in Jim's office, saying, "It is one thing me giving you the co-manager title, it is another thing you bossing me around." Ignoring Michael's claim that the promotion was his idea, Jim denies that's what he's doing, and offers to call David Wallace to straighten this out. Michael says he'll call David Wallace, but Wallace is already calling on line two. Jim takes it at his desk and Michael sits down, saying, "This is Michael, senior co-manager." Wallace gets right to the point: there will be no cost-of-living raise this year -- just a small amount for each branch, which the managers have to decide how to use. Jim and Michael are already sniping at each other before Wallace is even off the phone (and Michael is texting him), and Wallace asks warningly, "This is not going to be a problem, is it?" Both co-managers reassure him, and Jim hangs up. Turning to go, Michael says he's looking forward to it. Jim tells him not to lie, so Michael obliges: "All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are." "All right, let's get started," Jim says agreeably. I'm suddenly aware of two things. 1) Jim does have a bit of a honker, and b) I'm glad I don't have HD.
Creed asks Meredith, "Why haven't we ever...?" "We have," Meredith sighs wearily. Well, that clears that up. Although I'm sure they have this exact conversation on a weekly basis.
Jim and Michael are, ironically, having a conference room meeting together. Michael is suggesting sneaking a 1.5% payroll increase onto people's checks (which, I've gotten smaller annual raises than that, although it was at a much more tight-fisted company than Dunder Mifflin), but first Jim wants to make a pro/con list for that idea. As he gets out his notebook, Michael suggests to Jim that he uses his brain too much. "Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all." Exhibit A: Michael just came up with that. Jim continues with his pro and con list, while Michael mocks his every thought in a pretty funny nerd-voice, ending with, "Con: you unzip your pants and you find a calculator down there."
Back in his own office, Jim shows us a pie chart he made of how Michael spends his time. More than 50 percent is "procrastinating," and most of the rest is "distracting others." There's a small sliver of "critical thinking," which Jim made bigger so we could see it. That must be why he used crayons instead of Excel. But thanks, Jim, for showing us how a more effective manager uses his time.
Kevin approaches Pam at her desks and asks where they're registered. Pam, realizing that a conversation is no place for subtlety, "We just want cash." Kevin seems pretty offended at first, but then he gets out his checkbook and writes one out, adding "To love's eternal glory" on the memo line. Later, a remorseful Pam waves the check in a TH, asking, "Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible". But then seeing "Mrs. Pam Halpert" on the pay-to-the-order-of-line makes it all better. It's really all about the sentimental value.
In the conference room, Jim is making a case for giving the raise to just the salesmen. Wow, Jim doesn't get that many bad ideas, but when he does, they're more than terrible enough to make up for their scarcity. He's about to start another pro and con list, and Michael continues mocking Jim for overthinking. Jim impatiently tells Michael that Michael has a lot of strengths, but he also has weaknesses, which is why Jim is there. The Michael flaw that is relevant to this particular situation is of course Michael's difficulty with making tough, unpopular decisions. Michael makes one for Jim right now: "You suck!" Which Jim usually doesn't, but when he actually lets Michael goad him into going out to the bullpen and tell everyone about his plan, he does suck a little. "This had better be terrible," Michael tells us before following Jim out to watch the carnage.
Jim goes out to make the announcement, coming right out and saying that the raise is going to the sales staff. Of course the non-sales people are kind of pissed, and don't seem to be placated even when Jim says he's leveling with them because they're smart. "Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people," Oscar says sarcastically. He accuses Jim of wanting to reward "his friends and the people he sleeps with." Kelly comes in, carrying shopping bags and asks what going on, and when Kevin tells her, she calls him a jerk. "How is that going to repair Ryan's car?" Oh, man, there's one of those single lines that when you hear it, you suddenly know the whole story behind it. We don't get as many of those any more, do we? To Jim's surprise, Dwight's angrier than anyone, demanding to know how it's fair to everyone else that Dwight should get a raise. As this threatens to turn into a lynching, Jim offers to rewind, but his attempt to lighten the mood by talking fake-backwards fails to get a laugh. Even from me. Michael decides Jim's had enough, so he steps up to the "rescue." Which, it being Michael, consists of a lot of meaningless babble that annoys everyone even more. "At least Jim was being direct when he was telling us his dumb-ass plan," Meredith says. Michael says he and Jim will go into his office, and work on it, "and not come out until we do." The door closes.
Michael and Jim are getting off to a slow start, and then they get the idea of ranking everyone by merit. Which I'm sure about a fifth of the office will appreciate.
In a group TH, a bunch of non-salesmen and Dwight complain about how angry they are at the company "And Jim," Dwight ventriloquizes. Meredith asks who said that. Dwight fingers Creed. "Yup," Creed agrees.
Jim and Michael are back in the conference room. They've gotten headshots of everyone laid out on the table, and are ranking them using a point system wherein they are each given a limited number of Boston Baked Beans and have to divide them between the photos. Before they're finished, Erin comes in, saying Wallace wants them both to respond to a meeting invite. So of course they both scamper out, leaving their unfinished project unattended. As they leave, Dwight sneaks in.
Dwight THs about how people are finally beginning to realize how terrible Jim is. He thinks they'll revolt soon, and compares them unfavorably to the founding fathers, and adds that the American Revolution would have been delayed by ten years if they'd been in charge. I think he's being generous.
Dwight invites everyone into the conference room to show them the outrage of their raises being decided by having beans put on their faces. Jim and Michael are the last ones in (how long does it take to respond to a meeting invite, anyway?) as Pam asks, "Why aren't there any beans on this old, frizzy-haired picture of me?" Jim stammers that he didn't want to seem biased. Honestly, what the hell was Wallace thinking, putting Jim in a management position over his fiancée? Amid all the chaos, Kevin just keeps asking what a bean means. And Jim and Michael back out before things start to get violent.
Out in the bullpen, Dwight overhears Phyllis and Andy complaining to each other about the situation, and decides to make his move. He stands up, making a big barricade speech about how they need to drag Jim out of his office, take his keys, etc. "What say you!" he roars. They pretty much say, "Meh." I'm thinking their armed revolt against the British monarchy isn't on the American timetable at all. More like the British timetable.
Strafed by angry questions the whole way, Michael ducks across the bullpen into Jim's office. At least they're in agreement about something: they're both miserable. But then Michael smiles, and admits, "I used to have to do this part alone." He goes to get Jim something, and Jim makes a startling realization: "Michael is my only friend in this office." Except Pam, and he's not sure he can count her right now. Michael returns with matching "World's Best Boss" mugs full of gin, which they quietly start sipping together. An insistent knock at the door is heard. "Just pretend we're not here," Michael whispers. And that's the end. We've just seen another stage in the Michaelization of Jim.
Ryan comes in to the break room to ask Pam a question: " Would you rather have a hundred dollars now, or five thousand dollars a year from now?" Knowing Ryan, Pam wants the first one. Ryan asks if she's sure, and somehow she actually ends up writing him a fifty-dollar check to cover "broker fees." In a final TH, Pam excitedly tells us about Ryan's algorithm for picking college basketball games. Then she realizes what she's done. "Don't tell Jim," she says. Well, I think we've all learned something.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.