It's Valentine's Day at Dunder Mifflin-Scranton, and Michael is so worried about the feelings of the single people in the office -- not least of all his own -- that he boots Jim and Pam out for the day. Phyllis invites PB&J out for lunch with her and her sweetie, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. Things go fine until Jim and Pam are abandoned at the table, and it takes them way too long to figure out that Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration are joining the mile-high club, or whatever you call it when it's a restaurant bathroom instead of an airplane bathroom.
There's also a blood drive going on, and when Michael sits in the bloodmobile to a female donor, he ends up leaving behind more than blood. Part of his heart as well, is what I'm saying. But since he's passed out when she leaves, he never finds out who she is. Under the pretense of looking out for his single employees, he throws a singles mixer in the hopes that she'll show up. She doesn't, but at least Kevin lands a date for the drive-in.
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A salesman comes into the office and asks Pam if he can talk to Michael Scott. Pam lies that Michael's not in, although we can see him through his office window behind the salesman. She THs about the new phone systems that can do "basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy." After a pause, she whispers to herself, "Vending machine..." Back at reception, the salesman asks to make an appointment with Michael. Pam gets out the big, blank appointment book and pretends that it's full, until Jim gets up and comes to her rescue: "mmmmMichael Scott, manager! Hi, how are you?" He's just in the middle of brushing off the salesman when the real Michael comes out of his office, and it looks like all is lost until Jim greets Michael with a thumbs-up and a big, "Aaayyy!" Michael, being Michael, has no choice but to respond in kind, and Pam and even Dwight join in until the very confused salesman leaves, thinking he's stumbled into some kind of madhouse. Of course, that's the most fun Michael's had all week. "Let's go do it to somebody else!" he says.
It's Valentine's Day at the office, which is weird, because Valentine's day fell on a Saturday this year. It might be the day before, but there's a big blood-drive van parked outside, and who would want to give blood on Friday the 13th? Michael and Kevin commiserate over the V-Day decorations in the hallway on their way in. "I miss Stacey," Kevin monotones in what is, for him, an embarrassing gusher of emotion. Michael points out that Holly was "waaaay hotter than Stacey, so if you think you're hurting..." "Can't even imagine," Kevin agrees.
Jim and Pam do a joint TH about how this is their first and only V-Day as fiancées. "You're only engaged once," Jim says. "Present company excluded." Oh, no he didn't. Pam looks at him. "Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?" she Angelas, and ducks away from his kiss. "She's fine," Jim assures us. And possibly himself.
Kelly is quite excited about the valentine she's about to open that came from a "secret admirer," but it turns out to be a reminder from her dentist's office. As if people didn't already hate dentists enough.
When Michael and Kevin arrive, Michael notices the little FTD bouquet Jim sent Pam, that she's displaying on the reception desk. "I wouldn't want them to fall," he says, moving them to the floor and out of sight. From his office, he THs about how most of the people in the office are single and hurting, but especially him. But also the others. "These people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces," he says, as Pam replaces her flowers on the desk. Michael comes back out to complain about it, and Jim backs Pam up on keeping them where she can see them. Michael sits on Jim's desk for a quiet word: his message is that a lot of people in the office are having a tough time with the whole Valentine's Day concept, and Jim's relationship with Pam is "creating a hostile work environment." So in retaliation, everyone else will be having a private Valentine's Day party, private in this case meaning without Pam and Jim. "So suck it." He switches to his announcement voice to invite everyone to a "singles-only, lonely hearts" convention, that very day. Well, that sounds awesome.
In the blood drive van, Dwight flexes his arm to pop a vein out for the nurse. He THs, "I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself." The camera stays on his face just a little too long, until he gives a little nod of satisfaction. EW!
Michael enters the bloodmobile, where another cute brunette donor is already hooked up. She claims that she's too nervous to talk, while talking a lot, which Michael points out for her. Once his own vein is tapped, he decides to fill the nonexistent conversational gap by firing off a series of bad jokes like "Human juice box," "Hawaiian blood punch" and "Type O-cean Spray." Well, look who's bringing his A-game.
Up in the office, Phyllis invites the banished Pam and Jim to lunch with her and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. Jim claims he has a busy afternoon: "Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves." Which is their way of accepting.
Michael makes the mistake of looking at his blood bag, and asks his neighbor to distract him. She tries to join him in some banter, and adds that he's cute, so clearly the blood loss is having an effect on her. Michael is done first, for some reason, and as the nurse disconnects him, he confides, "I was so nervous about this, I don't think I ate for three days." Right on cue, he passes out.
Michael comes around, and his cute brunette neighbor has been replaced by Hank the security guard, who is of course cute in a completely different way. He asks the nurse (although he calls her "waitress," which is just several levels of gross) for the lady's name so he can return the glove she left behind. But naturally she can't give that information out. Poor Michael: shot from the HIPAA.
Kelly rips a paper heart in half and sticks it on the wall. "What are you doing?" Meredith asks. "Decorating," Kelly says. Meredith joins in, tearing the wings off a cupid so it just looks like a "stupid baby," and both their Valentine's Days just got a lot better.
Jim and Pam are at lunch at a restaurant with Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. The show has dropped that joke, of course, because it knows when it's run its course. Luckily, I don't suffer from that affliction. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration tells Jim, "I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass. And that other jackass, and that new jackass." "Michael, Dwight and Andy," Phyllis translates, quite unnecessarily. Although Andy's been there for two years now. Actually, now that I think about it, I've never seen an office with such low employee turnover. And I worked at the same place for nine years once.
Michael's "convention" is a pretty sad affair, with everyone sitting in chairs in a circle in the conference room. I guess that's what happens when you have a party without half of the party planning committee. Michael suggests having everyone talk about their worst relationship stories, which so far consists of him trying to draw people out and then making them feel worse. You're welcome, Kelly.
At lunch, the couples exchange bowling stories. Their banter is the exact right level of not-quite-effortless. At least for Pam and Jim.
Up in the office, Oscar is telling a long story about a guy he approached, who said he wasn't gay, but was later sighted in a gay bar in Kansas City. Michael thinks that's a happy ending, since he turned out to be gay after all. "You should call him!" he encourages. Angela says her worst breakup was a two-fer. "They had a duel over me." Oscar says that everyone remembers what happened with Dwight and Andy, but Angela's talking about something that happened years ago in Ohio, with John Mark and John David. Michael asks where Andy is, and Oscar says he's on one of his honeymoons. You know how Andy was with his nonrefundable deposits. Oscar elaborates, "I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and then later he's got a couples massage." Kevin tells his breakup story, which was Stacey telling him abruptly one Sunday morning, "We're done." If such a communicative couple couldn't make a go of it, what chance do the rest of us have? Michael begins to have second thoughts about this whole idea, and says that instead of sitting around feeling sorry for themselves, they should go out and look for people. "There's a girl out there for all of us, maybe even in this office park," he says transparently. On the spot, he suggests a mixer, which Dwight rejects as a perversion of natural selection. "You're like the guy who invented the seat belt."
But Michael is too excited about the idea to let it go, and in an office TH, he shows off the pink flyer he's made inviting everyone in the office park to his mixer. And just in case, there's a line of text on the bottom saying, "Found: one glove at bloodbank." As we see him and Dwight putting the flyers on (and in) cars in the parking lot, he talks about Cupid's sparrow. "Funny little bird, but he gets the job done."
Later, Michael and Dwight wait by reception for people to show up. A couple of women walk in, and Michael introduces the frumpier one to Kevin, who totally freezes up. Dwight, meanwhile, snags the cute blonde for himself and claims he can untie any knot, defying her to name one. She just nervously says she believes him. "You shouldn't believe everything you hear," Dwight flirts. "In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie." Oh, she is practically in the bag. Wait until she learns what he can make Little Dwight do. After learning that she works at a catalog company, he starts literally panting about the amount of paper she must use. She's not supposed to be that kind of prospect, Dwight.
The food has been delivered to the lunch table, and Jim and Pam debate whether they should start eating while Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration are still in the bathroom. Apparently they've been in there a while. They compromise by snagging some of BVoVR's fries. Given what must be going on in that bathroom, I don't know how either of them has any appetite at all.
Kevin's doing pretty well with the woman Michael introduced him to, until he lets slip that his fiancée left him. He tries to save it, but ends up telling her the truth and walking away. "It happened so fast," he laments in a TH. "So....... fast."
Michael tries to help a guy named Eric, who's in tool and die repair, connect with Meredith, who had a hysterectomy. "So that's sort of a repair. All right, I'll let you guys talk."
Michael THs that it's going well. "'Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed." Speaking of which, bloodmobile lady still hasn't shown up.
Later, Dwight wonders why Michael is watching the front door, and Michael admits that he met a woman earlier while he was giving blood. Kelly and Meredith and even Dwight's target are totally moved by the story, even as he tries to downplay it. "I think our blood bags touched," he admits. Aww.
Phyllis and BVoVR still aren't back, and their food is getting cold. And picked at by Pam and Jim. "You think they dined and dashed?" Pam wonders. Jim points out that they didn't dine. So they check out the bathrooms, both of which are empty. But when they put their ears to the door of the handicapped bathroom and hear the amorous noises emanating from within, all becomes clear. Took them long enough.
A different cute brunette walks into the conference room, asking if this is the party. Everything stops. "Nah," Michael says. Everyone in the room lets out a disappointed moan. She walks out, shot down.
The JBF Vances return to the table, trying to act like nothing happened. Phyllis should maybe try to act a little less dehydrated. Oh, and guess what? It is awkward.
Kevin apologizes to the lady he was talking to before. "I get very nervous talking to pretty girls," he confesses, and invites her to check out his sweaty hand. He does get her e-mail address, which for Kevin is a major victory. "Good Valentine's," he THs afterward.
Dwight's blonde gets tired of him trying to sell her paper, and takes off. "Okay, well thanks for wasting my time tonight," he calls after her. "Idiot!" Michael reassures Dwight, "You don't deserve her."
Later, Michael offers to cut everyone loose, now that it's just the Dunder Mifflinites. But they stay as a show of support. Later still, when the cake and paper plates is being cleared away, everyone offers to walk out with Michael. As they all say their goodbyes in the parking lot, he VOs about how it's not as much about returning the slipper as picking up the slipper in the first place. "I think my odds are pretty good," he concludes. What I want to know is how Michael got through the whole second half of the episode without making a reference to The Continental.
The tag brings us back to the bloodmobile. Stanley tries to scam a chocolate chip cookie, claming he gave blood earlier, although his arm has a cotton ball and tape stuck to it instead of a Band-Aid. "Band-Aids," he mutters to Phyllis as she comes up behind him with her own cotton ball and tape. And Creed leaves with a unit of blood tucked into his coat pocket. I really hope that falls into the "Creed steals everything just because" category and not the "Don't know, don't want to know" category, but I don't like the odds.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.