Against their own wishes, Jim and Dwight have taken over as heads of the party planning committee, and their first job is trying to make it up to Kelly after forgetting her birthday. So far they're both doing a shit job of it. At the same time, Andy is looking for a new relationship, and unwisely decides to pursue a client of Stanley's. The best thing we can say about that is that Stanley's smart enough to get clear before Andy crashes and burns.
The real news is with Michael, who's on a speaking tour of the branches because David Wallace wants him to share the secrets of Scranton's success. Or he wants Scranton to have more success as a result of Michael's absence, one of the two. Pam is going along as his chauffeur/assistant, and is pretty nervous about seeing Karen at the Utica branch. That is, until Karen turns out to be married and pregnant, and able to convincingly simulate a happy reaction when Pam tells her she's engaged to Jim. Michael, jealous of the heaping helping of closure Pam just enjoyed, realizes that he wants the same thing with Holly. So it looks like the road trip is about to be diverted to Nashua. To be continued.
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Michael is messing around with the PA function on his phone that he just found out about, which has the effect of broadcasting every unamusing thought he has into the bullpen in real time. Imagine if Michael had a Twitter account and insisted on reading it out loud at all times. Except that it's more annoying than it sounds. Finally, after listening to Michael call Toby out as a bed-wetter, Jim enters Michael's office, pretends to look for something under Michael's desk, and surreptitiously snips the wire with the scissors he tucked into his back pocket. "I'll look again tomorrow," he says, leaving Michael to get back to happily broadcasting his stream of consciousness, but only to himself. Win-win-win!
Michael and Pam are at a motel! But extreme care is taken to show that they're staying in separate rooms. After a deceptively brief look at them sitting silently at a breakfast diner, Michael does a parking-lot TH in which he first claims that he and Pam have eloped, then that they robbed a bank, and finally that he has been sent on a speaking tour of the other branches (save Nashua, of course) to share the secrets of Scranton's success. The other two were more likely. Pam's struggles with his luggage in the background are becoming more noticeable, and Michael says he likes to pack heavy. "He brought a sled," she says. She's come along as his driver/assistant, for the travel and for the time-and-a-half overtime for 72 straight hours. As he gets into the back seat, he complains that she's not dressing the part of the hot assistant. That would appear to be too damn bad.
Kelly slams through the office, telling both Jim and Dwight to screw themselves. "You forgot her birthday," Phyllis explains to them. "It was yesterday." Uh-oh.
Dwight and Jim give a joint TH in which they each give their version of how they ended up as joint heads of the party planning committee. Well, you know the history. You should also know that they both hate it. Andy Kelly THs about how disappointed she was yesterday. "I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl."
In the car, Pam asks for permission to turn on the radio, but he's being a prima donna about needing either silence or Sam Kinison to prepare. She complains until he offers to talk. She assures him that she's fine humming to herself but then he talks anyway, asking if she's nervous about seeing Karen at the Utica branch, and if that's why she's wearing makeup today. "No!" Pam protests. "I'm not wearing...that...much..." Dammit, Michael's obliviousness always gives out at the worst times. She THs about how she doesn't like the idea of someone hating her. That includes both Al Qaeda and Karen.
Stanley ushers a lovely young woman through the office, and Andy asks Phyllis who she is, shutting her down when she suggests she's out of his league. He THs that he's now single, which means "the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win."
In the annex, Jim and Dwight try to apologize to Kelly, wisely using her cube wall as cover. Dwight and Kelly quickly get into a shouting match, but Jim just asks how they can make it up to her. She goes into a long martyr routine that Dwight blissfully interrupts by demanding, "What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?" Kelly: "Ice cream." Well played, Dwight.
Michael makes Pam take a picture of him to the Dunder Mifflin sign outside the Utica branch, and when they enter, Rolando the receptionist tells them they're late and Karen will lead them to the conference room shortly. Michael tells Pam not to be nervous, and to try picturing Karen naked, like he does. Karen shows up, smiling and happy to see them, and quite visibly pregnant. Michael, who can always be counted on to say the exact wrong thing, asks, "Is that Jim's?" Ah, there's that face Karen makes. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it. Both their minds are obviously blown, but Pam's able to camouflage her slightly awkward reaction behind Michael's totally inappropriate one. Sometimes he's handy to have around after all.
Jim enters the conference room, which Dwight is decorating with drab-colored, half-inflated balloons hung randomly in patterns that create the impression of a baboon cage in zero gravity. There's also a big laser-printed banner reading "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY." Jim's kind of unnecessarily mean about it to the point where he actually hurts Dwight's feelings. "Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's," he adds. Jim's not doing much better than Dwight, because he's supposed to be collecting money and only has the six dollars that he and Dwight kicked in. Oh, if only Kelly were the type who could appreciate the entertainment value of this train wreck, this would be her best belated birthday ever.
In the parking lot, Andy scouts out his new crush's car to see what CDs she has. He's so excited to see Feist in there that he sets off the alarm, as well as the alarm of the adjoining car.
A bored Utica staff is waiting in their conference room while Michael loudly and tragically moans into a cell phone in the hallway. Did he just learn about Kelly's birthday? Entering, he claims his father just died. And then says he didn't really die, and that the phone is in fact a calculator. "But you bought it, and now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't." He calls on Karen, whose question is, "I'm wondering what you are talking about." He claims he sold an experience, and Karen says that now they just think he's a liar. "Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?" Michael asks. Which is Pam's cue to stand up and toss a double handful of candy into the rows. Clearly they've been fine-tuning this together. After a TH in which he demonstrates how he memorized the Pledge of Allegiance to the tune of "Old MacDonald," he tells the room about the mnemonic device he uses to learn names, which he demonstrates by going around calling out his mental nicknames for people that would be beneath Flavor Flav. Like how "Baldy," whose head is like a mirror, which starts with M, is named Mark. Karen calls a halt to the meeting and leads Michael out of the room, as he uses her an another example:, "She is pregnant, she is knocked up, K, Karen."
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Back at the branch, Andy delivers a couple of coffees to Stanley and his client, as an excuse to get his face in front of her and sing a little song about Splenda to the tune of that Feist song. Cut to Andy and Stanley yelling at each other, Stanley over Andy's behavior and Andy for Stanley not setting him up with her. Realizing that Andy really likes her, Stanley softens and says, "Give me two clients for her."
In Karen's office, after Michael finishes a little demonstration of part of his talk that involves a chainsaw, Pam awkwardly changes the subject to Karen's due date, which is a month out. Michael even more awkwardly changes the subject to how Karen got this way, and apparently she's married to a guy named Dan who she met at a bar. Judging from the photos, he's even taller than Jim. Speaking of whom, Karen asks Pam about Jim, and Pam reveals that they're engaged. Karen swallows her shock and possibly some bile, and gives Pam a congratulatory hugs. "Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships," Michael narrates. "This is really a beautiful moment." Well, it almost could have passed for one, for a second there.
In the break room, Stanly hands his client, Julia, off to Andy. He starts fishing for clues on whether she has a boyfriend. The answer turns out to be negative, so Andy bursts back into the bullpen. "Oh, my desk is over there," Oscar suddenly realizes, which is kind of dickish of him considering how Andy tried to help him in Winnipeg. So much for being wingmen for life. Even worse, Creed steps into the breach: "This is how I got Squeaky Fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her." Andy has his doubts, until Creed asks, "Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?"
Leaving the Utica branch, Pam tells Michael that she's glad she came. Now she doesn't have to wonder if she did something wrong. Now she has closure. Chicks do dig their closure.
Andy walks his new client to her car, and gives her his "Nard-Dog guarantee." She asks what a Nard-Dog is, and by way of answering, he moves in to kiss her. She puts a stop to that quick, and Andy totally folds, apologizing and saying how he just got his heart broken. She says she just got out of a relationship too. Is he actually about to pull this out and get a date after all? Well, no. "We lost the account," Andy THs.
Dwight's still struggling to blow up the turd-colored balloons when his desk phone rings and he dashes out to answer it. Jim asks him how old Kelly is. "Who is this?" Dwight asks. Jim: "It's Mose, who do you think it is?" Dwight: "Mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you." Jim's at the store, looking at numbered candles. Dwight confidently answers, "24. 37." Finally he hangs up, pulls Kelly's personnel file, and learns that she spent some time in a "youth center." "Juvie," Dwight translates. He reads from the file, "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job per--- blah blah blah."
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In the car, Pam's remark about closure has reminded Michael of Holly, and he talks about how he should go to Nashua some time to get some closure of his own. "Okay, let's go," Pam tells him. But what about the people expecting him at the Rochester branch? "Screw 'em!" Pam says. "Let's do this!" Wow, closure makes her kind of euphoric. Michael considers it, chuckles, and...to be continued.
Well, not quite. In the tag, Jim tells Creed that he's collecting thee dollars from everyone for Kelly's party. Creed obligingly reaches into his wallet and hands over a three-dollar bill. Better ask him for five time, Jim. That way you'll get at least one legit bill.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
The desk jockeys of The Office sure endure a lot of humiliation. Lucky for them they've got us to count them down with our The Office: Most Embarrassingly Roast-able Moments gallery.
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