Hey, do you guys remember Karen? She was all over Season 3 -- Jim/Pam 'shippers loathed her for no rational cause? Well, after Jim dumped her, she didn't curl up and die, and now we join her at her new gig: she's the regional manager at Dunder Mifflin Utica. She's on the phone, making a job offer to someone in Scranton...BUT WHO?! Oh, by the way -- I've never seen a promo for the show. I'm Amish!
In Scranton, Michael's spent, I'm guessing, several hours rigging up a mannequin to look like him and give the impression that he's sleeping at his desk when, in fact, he won't be in the office at all. Michael excitedly tells the camera that no one will know the truth. Dwight says he will, because he'll be out with Michael, playing hooky (he will? I guess if he's doing it with Michael, he can make the argument that he's officially authorized to do so), though Michael mumbles that, most of the time, he'll actually be hanging out with Ryan, or Darryl. Stanley enters, and Michael giddily tells him to go out and come back in again, so that he can demo his brilliant mannequin ruse. Stanley says he doesn't understand why it's any better for Michael to be sleeping at his desk than just not in the office, and anyway, he doesn't want to mess around, and instead announces, "I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm gonna take it." He trudges out again, leaving Michael and Dwight dumbfounded on the floor, and the dummy with its hand back up in the air like it's mad Stanley's leaving it hanging.
After the credits, Michael sternly comes out to the bullpen and announces that Stanley got a better offer from Karen and is planning to leave the branch. Stanley beams, and everyone starts applauding and offering their congratulations, but Michael shuts that down, pissily saying that they misinterpreted his tone. He asks why Karen would have made Stanley this offer. Stanley primly says it was probably because of his sales record, but Michael says that couldn't possibly be it, and conjectures that this is Karen's way of getting back at the branch because Jim dumped her. Jim is not so sure. I am not so sure Michael is wrong, for once. Karen does seem vindictive, and though this is a pretty roundabout way for her to get revenge on Jim, maybe it's the only opportunity that's presented itself. Michael interviews that the office won't survive losing its "hilarious black guy." He enumerates all the things Stanley brings to the table -- bluesy wisdom, crossword puzzle, watery red eyes -- and muses that he doesn't know how George Bush bounced back after Colin Powell left the Cabinet. Ha! Michael's bottom line is that he won't let Stanley go. Oh, good, Michael has another project. I hope someone stops him before he organizes a Stanley fun run.
By Wing Chun
Michael meets with Stanley in his office. He tries to give Stanley a soft sell to stay in Scranton, but all Stanley wants is more money. He probably also wants less oversight by Michael, but maybe he's just decided not to shoot the moon. And Michael doesn't have more money to pay him, anyway.
Oh, Jesus. So Pam, along with Toby and Oscar, has started the "very exclusive" Finer Things Club. She describes it at length, when "it's a book club with themed meals" would probably get the job done. Or, actually Oscar says it best: "Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me." This week, or month, or whatever, they're reading A Room With A View. As Pam sets out finger sandwiches and canapés on a somewhat Edwardian-looking tea tray in the break room, Jim stands by, asking why he can't join. Pam says that "some people" think Jim would monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny. Jim: "Oscar?" Pam, tightly: "Some people." I'm with some people. Oscar probably gets annoyed by the camera-shrugging, too. Maybe Oscar and I need to start a club.
Michael calls Karen on speakerphone, letting her know that he's aware of the offer she made Stanley and that he's not cool with it. He offers her Toby instead, and when she says that Toby's not a salesman, Michael tries to tell her that she could train him and that Toby's very talented, but he can't even commit to this angle and gives up: "Toby's the worst." Instead, Michael says that if Karen's going to take one of his guys, Michael's going to take one of hers. Karen is not threatened in the least -- nor does she seem to grow intimidated when Michael asks her to transfer him to her best salesman. Seems like he could just look up stats on that website of Ryan's, couldn't he?
Maybe that's what Pam did, because the thing we see is her, with Michael, connecting him with Ben Nugent, Utica's top salesman. Michael launches into his pro-Scranton pitch, but Ben recognizes Michael by reputation as the guy who hit a woman with his car. Pam can't help snickering, and Michael quickly dismisses her, telling Ben that he also saved Meredith's life, not that anyone ever talks about that part. Still, Ben is not convinced, saying that the rumour is that the Scranton branch is worse than Camden, and that he heard everyone from Stamford quit immediately. Michael: "No, I fired them. And you're . [beat] So what do you say?" Ben: "Seriously?" How does Michael EVER sell anyone paper anymore? I guess he doesn't need to, if he has all this copious spare time to create life-size dioramas for his mannequin to live in.
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Michael interviews that Ben is crazy, and that Scranton is the fun branch, like Animal House. Whereupon we all start to fear this day will end with Michael doing his impression of a zit.
The camera goes nuts a little trying to follow Michael and Dwight as they accost Jim, who's still loitering around while Pam sets up for the FTC. Michael tells Jim that the branch's reputation has been besmirched, so to redeem it, they're going to go out and make a gigantic sale. He's about to leave again when he runs smack into Toby, who's prepared to discuss Forster by putting on a big dumb bowtie and rounding up three delicate teacups -- with saucers, obviously. Michael is so disgusted by the sight of him that he's actually stunned silent for several seconds, but then turns to tell the camera, "That's why people are leaving." I'm pretty sure even the most rock-and-roll people would rather talk about early modern novels with Toby than bounce off the hood of Michael's car. But then, I am an English major.
In Michael's product-placed PT Cruiser, Michael and Dwight take a great deal of pleasure in telling Jim that they're actually not on their way to make a gigantic sale: they're going to pull a prank on the Utica branch. Jim is horrified at the thought of seeing Karen again after all this time. He's probably even less psyched to see her get a rainbow afro wig super-glued to her head, or whatever the hell Michael has in mind.
After the commercials, Jim is still mad. Not that this is the greatest joke in the world or anything, but...show of hands, who's surprised Jim can only dish it out but not take it? Me too. He bitches that he's not going to further piss off his ex-girlfriend with whatever they have in mind, and when he pulls out his cell phone, Dwight snatches it out of his hand and throws it out the window. Jim seriously looks like he's about to plow Michael in the face, and he tensely says that his phone had all the pictures of his brother's new baby on it. Even Dwight is chastened by this.
Cut to: the Scranton trio, poking around on the shoulder, looking for Jim's phone. Soon enough, Jim finds it, and scrapes the dirt off, telling Michael he'll call a cab to pick him up there. Michael tells him he's going to miss the best prank ever. Jim is initially whatever about it, but then his office-honed instincts kick in, and he asks what they have planned. Michael excitedly opens the trunk to show Jim what they've brought: uniforms from the warehouse, silly string, and some gasoline and rubber to make stink bombs. "Or real bombs," says Dwight. Jim gets scared, and tries to talk them out of this notion, at least, but Dwight's already picked up one of the Molotov cocktails that's just been floating around in the trunk this whole time, and Michael grins, "Teach her to offer Stanley more money." I'm pretty sure this is the sort of "prank" that, if someone did it down at my office, would get him sent to Gitmo.
Cut to: Jim doing an interview while putting on his warehouse uniform, which has "Madge" embroidered on the left breast. His assessment is that he got Michael to agree not to let Dwight blow anyone up, in exchange for Jim wearing a costume. And a moustache.
Cut to: The Scranton Three, uniformed and moustachioed. Dwight has given his a jaunty handlebar zsusj that makes him look a bit like the Taft I just saw last week at the Hall of Presidents. Michael asks Jim why he and Karen broke up. Jim distracts him by suggesting that they play an alphabet game. Michael doesn't get any further than "A" before he hears a mysterious sound that he guesses is air-conditioning fluid leaking. Neither he nor Jim can identify it, but the camera pulls out to a three-shot so that we notice before the other passengers do that what they're hearing is Dwight, peeing into a pop can. (An empty can of Wegmans store-brand soda, I feel Kim would want me to note.) Naturally, Jim and even Michael are disgusted -- and loudly -- but Dwight protests that Michael said that they couldn't make any more stops, and Dwight really had to go. Michael is so flustered that he starts swerving all over the road, and as Jim tries to get his attention back on the task at hand, Dwight whines, "I think I cut my penis on the lip!" (That would be the runner-up for this week's homepage title.)
FTC. The founding members are really getting their Forster on when Andy wanders in, book in hand, and pulls up a chair. Pam, wide-eyed at the intrusion, tells Andy that it's a closed club, at which we cut to Andy, interviewing, "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety." And if Andy exhausts all these possibilities, I'm sure Creed's got something going on that he'd be more than grateful to share among many members/co-conspirators. Back in the meeting, an affronted Andy gets up from the table and takes his copy of the book to the table over, which is a common area. Toby says Andy just needs to know he's not in the club, and Andy yelps, "Why can't I be in the club?!" Because anyone who appreciates the finer things wouldn't have mixed prints so many prints in one outfit? Hey, either I was going to say it or Oscar would have.
Utica. The Scranton Three has reached the parking lot outside the DM building. Michael starts running down his plan, but as soon as he mentions Jim's part, Jim emphatically declares that he will not be leaving the car. Michael says that he and Dwight, then, are going to enter the building and "silly string the bejesus out of the place." Dwight says that if they run into trouble, he can stab the security guard in the eye with a piece of sidewalk chalk, or else grind it up into a powder and blow it in his eyes. Jim forces Dwight to promise that he will not menace anyone's eyes. Jim sees Karen leaving the building, and Michael and Dwight sidle in without her noticing, while back in the car, Jim reclines his car seat aaaaaaall the way back.
FTC. Kevin and Phyllis come into the break room and ruin everything. Maybe the founders should consider holding their meetings at one of their homes instead of getting their gayness in the middle of everyone else's lunch? I'm just saying.
In the bullpen, Andy tells Stanley that he's been like Andy's "kind old Uncle Remus." He says he wants to stay in touch. I'm sure Stanley has been praying for an invitation just like that.
Utica. Michael and Dwight and their ominous black duffel bags enter the building. Dwight gives Jim extremely detailed updates over a two-way radio. They run into a security guard, at which point Dwight demonstrates that he's exactly as bad at acting casual as you'd expect. Once the guard has moved on, from the sounds of it, Dwight purrs into the radio, "I can see the security guard's eyes!...I have to do something to his eyes!" Jim tries to urge him not to, but he's got his work cut out for him, as Dwight interviews, "The eyes are the groin of the head." Now, when you sell the body part that way, who could resist wanting to take a poke?
Sometime later, Jim radios to Michael that if they've absconded with the Choking Hazard poster, they should come back. Michael says they've found something even better: the industrial copier. Jim, alarmed, asks if that isn't huge, but Dwight says that they're wheeling it down the hall to the stairwell. It doesn't take long before Michael and Dwight have lost control of the equipment and end up pinned between it and the stairway railing. Pivot! PIVOT! Michael melodramatically urges Jim to go on without them -- to take Karen to a hotel and seduce her into relinquishing her hold on Stanley -- while Dwight insists that Jim come rescue them. By this time, of course, Karen has come back from whatever errand took her out of the office, and Jim is ducking down to avoid her seeing him -- but the camera operator can't help shooting her, and when she looks right into the lens, she is naturally moved to come see who's in Michael's stupid car. Karen comes over and knocks on the car window just as Michael begs Jim, "If this is it for me, just promise me something: host the Dundies!" But Jim can't promise anything, as he and Karen lay eyes on each other for the first time in months, and he has to do so in a fake moustache Michael probably bought from a dollar store and that therefore is probably 99% Chinese lead and giving him cancer even as we speak.
After commercials, we're still watching the Jim/Karen reunion of awkwardness. She asks what he's doing there. Jim tries to be smooth, claiming that Michael sometimes sends him out to check on other branches. At this point, the radio crackles with Michael ordering Jim not to tell Karen about the industrial copier. Jim: "Copy that." No pun intended...probably. Karen interviews that she cried over Jim for weeks, so seeing him emerge from a PT Cruiser, wearing a woman's warehouse uniform, was a great moment for her. Well, for real. Just the PT Cruiser would have been humiliation enough.
Karen's assembled the Scranton Three in her office. She asks whether they accomplished what they set out to do, and Dwight says that if she doesn't give up on Stanley, they're going to "burn Utica to the ground." Michael admits that things could have gone better in this little caper, but that at least they care enough about their employees to go to these lengths to keep them. Unfortunately, he then adds that if she harms a head on Stanley's head, they'll "burn Utica to the ground." Evidently Karen has plenty of patterns for making dresses out of curtains in case of just such an emergency, so she is undaunted, and Michael and Dwight slink off. Karen asks Jim to stay for a second, and when they're alone, she asks, "So you're still doing this kid of stuff, huh?" Jim says that he's trying to quit. Karen cockily says that if Jim wanted to see her, he could have just called her, like an adult, and Jim too-quickly says he didn't want to see her. Off her bemused look, he amends that to say that he's happy to see her, now that he is, but that he came for the copier. She doesn't say anything, so Jim unwisely fills the silence by saying that he and Pam are still together, and that things are going well, so he didn't...want to see Karen. This kicks Karen into a bitter, sarcastic rant about how glad she is that Jim and Pam are doing so well, and how much she'd like to hear more about their great relationship, until Jim gets up and pleads traffic as the reason he has to get out of there before Karen sticks a piece of sidewalk chalk in his eye.
Scranton branch. Dwight, Jim, and Michael shuffle in, the last saying, "We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go." He puts a box on Stanley's desk for him to pack his things, though he doesn't think it will be big enough to contain all of Stanley's memories of the office. On his way back to his office, Michael tearfully tells Pam he needs her to help him write a want ad. I can't believe he's giving up so easily on Ben Nugent.
Pam takes notes as Michael lies inconsolably on the floor behind his desk, dictating his need for a "middle-aged black man with sass, big butt, bigger heart." I'm not sure Michael realizes that he's replacing Stanley and not Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, but anyway, the dictation doesn't get much further than that before Stanley lets himself in and asks for a word. Pam leaves, and Stanley tells Michael he's going to stay. Michael is incredulous, but thrilled. Stanley interviews that he never actually intended to leave; he just wanted a raise: "How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius?" At this, Stanley cracks himself up. See, could he get that in Utica? I bet Karen doesn't allow laughter in the branch because it reminds her of Jim.
Speaking of whom...Jim wanders over to Pam's desk. She tells him how sorry she is about his humiliating day, but suggests that he might feel better after enjoying some of the finer things in life, and uncovers a plate with a couple of leftover finger sandwiches on it. He guesses that she's inviting him to the Finer Things Club. Pam nods excitedly. Across the bullpen, Andy throws up his hands: "Oh, COME ON!" What's Andy gotta do to prove his worthiness -- show how well he can fold their gay tablecloths? I mean, honestly.
After commercials, we're at the meeting of the FTC. This time, they're discussing Angela's Ashes, the guys in tweed driving caps, and Pam in a silk kerchief, each dining on a baked potato. Jim kicks off with a corny Irish accent. Everyone else patiently suffers through it until Jim shuts up and Oscar asks if he's got it out of his system. Jim quietly says he does, and says he thought the book was a fun read. Toby accusatorily asks what was fun about it: "The death of the twins?" As Pam turns to Oscar and mouths an apology, Jim is totally busted for not having read the book. Man, if Andy could see the buffoon who got his rightful place in the club, he would punch ten more holes in the wall.