The episode opens with Dwight and Ryan at their desks, the former trying to stump the latter with some very careworn riddles. The one he starts with -- "Two coins add up to fifteen cents, and one of them is not a nickel" -- is so elderly that it's already been a B-story on Scrubs (though the Scrubs version was thirty cents. Same diff). Anyway: we can't say for sure that Ryan is more clever with riddles than Dwight; certainly, they are evenly matched.
After the credits, Jan's meeting with Michael in his office, asking what he did the day. Michael says he didn't do anything, and asks how her day was. Flintily, Jan tells him she wasn't making small talk, so Michael spits that he worked, and then he went home to his condo, and Carole came over, and they had sex. Michael then interviews, "Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base." I'm not convinced he's gotten that much further with Carole, frankly.
On her way out, Jan puts on a bright face as she stops at Pam's desk, giving her an hour-by-hour log and asking her to keep track of what Michael does all day. Pam interviews that Jan always treated Michael like a ten-year-old, but that lately, it's been more like he's five. Well, that stands to reason: a ten-year-old can be left in the house alone for a short period of time, whereas a five-year-old is still subject to the occasional urinary mishap.
Back at their desks, Dwight checks with Ryan that 's excited for the day ahead. He is. He's even "very" excited. "Extremely" excited is taking it too far, but Dwight bounces back: "Just 'very' excited? That's cool." Ryan interviews that, having spent a year at Dunder Mifflin, he needs to commit or leave, so in order to decide which it's going to be, he's going to get some guidance on his first sales call from Dwight, the company's top salesman. Lesson #1 would seem to be "It doesn't matter how weird you are: paper sells itself." For his part, Dwight interviews that he's very excited, since Ryan hasn't made a sale yet -- but even more importantly, "he hasn't made an ally yet." He adds, "Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army Of Champions?" I hope it's the latter, if for no other reason than so we can see the uniforms.
Dwight's in his car, Ryan in the passenger seat, driving along a country road beside what looks like a cornfield. Ryan asks how much he should talk on a sales call, but instead of answering, Dwight abruptly stops the car. Ryan dispiritedly asks where the sales office is, and Dwight koans, "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now." Dwight smirks at the camera. Ryan looks justly alarmed.
Stamford. There's a dispute over a squeaky chair, which we are joining in medias res. Though Jim had been stuck with the squeaky chair, he apparently waited for Karen to leave the room to switch it for hers. I guess in Connecticut, they don't have WD-40.
Michael calls someone named Coselli, which he shortens to "The Cos," and then "Cosby," and then starts talking like Fat Albert. Pam duly notes this latest development on her log: "10am Cosby Impression." She is kind not to describe it as "Outdated Cosby Impression," given the absence of sociological commentary on the contemporary African-American experience.
Schrute Farms -- for it is there that Dwight and Ryan have stopped. Dwight holds out a beet seed, which Ryan snatches easily. Having demonstrated that he's learned this lesson doesn't seem destined to land Ryan in a sales office any sooner.
Stamford. Andy's pretext for getting Jim out of his chair, so that Karen can switch it back, is to ask Jim to talk to him...over here. Karen's like, "Seriously?" Andy claims that he's "acting [his] heart out," which suggests that a strong theatre department is something Cornell can boast about.
Scranton. A crackly announcement goes out over the PA that there are complimentary pretzels in the lobby. Stanley leaps out of his chair, tucking a crossword puzzle under his arm for the wait, and hustles out faster than we have literally ever seen this character move. Ever. Michael also goes in search of a pretzel, but he wanders out of his office, trying to be cool about it. Pam watches him go in dismay, explaining that the pretzel cart is an annual tradition, and that it's not a big deal. She soon reverses herself: "To some people, it is." It would be to me -- when we still lived in Toronto, I would generally decide whether to see a movie based on its showing, or not, at the Paramount Theatre (now the Scotiabank Centre -- BOO), where there was a Wetzel's Pretzels. Still miss them, too.
In the elevator, Michael babbles that getting a pretzel will make him more productive, and maybe it would, if the line wasn't already like two dozen people long. Here's what I know about free food: everyone in an office -- any office -- wants in on it.
Schrute Farm. Ryan buries the seed he's just snatched in the manure, Dwight intoning, "Just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you." Ryan generously says he doesn't think Dwight knows what he's saying, but Dwight's already on to the lesson: he comments that what Ryan's smelling is "bull crap," and that "a client can smell it from a mile away." As Ryan continues carefully patting down the soil over his beet, Dwight sing-songs that he forgot something in his car, and takes off running, jumps in, and peels out. Ryan says it best: "Of course."
After commercials, we're still in the pretzel line. Stanley is at least ten people back from the front of the line, but he's jittery with excitement, rubbing his hands together, and then interviews this humbling litany: "I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on Pretzel Day?" He beams. "Well, I like Pretzel Day." And by the way, I'm just going to be capitalizing it, because I think to at least some of these people, it has a lot more resonance and import than, like, Veterans' Day or some shit.
Back in the line, Kelly is telling Michael all about "Lazy Sunday," which, heh, but also this episode aired nearly a year after that short first aired, and it's such a perfect character detail that Kelly would only be finding out about it now. Anyway, Michael's barely paying attention because he's staring at the pretzel cart with naked lust...until Phyllis shows up and starts canoodling with Bob Vance, a few spots ahead of him in line. Michael immediately takes umbrage, yelling at her for cutting in line. She denies it, and Bob tells Michael to calm down, and then Stanley gets in on it. It kind of looks like Phyllis would have been prepared to ignore Michael, but once Stanley's joined in, she's too chastened to cut (as she had OBVIOUSLY been planning to do), and she shambles down to the end of the line, whereupon Michael and Stanley high-five on it. Bob: "What a couple of marys." Stanley: "This is Pretzel Day." Well, honestly. There's a time and a place for that kind of mayhem and foolishness, but you honour the Pretzel Day and you keep it holy, dammit!
Schrute Farm. Ryan, all bedraggled and manure-y, is trudging through the field to a barn, muttering to himself for getting Dwight to help him in the first place. He knocks on the barn door, which is soon opened by Dwight, who welcomes him to his challenge. I assume it involves protecting the family farm from the constant threat of obliteration by multinational agribusiness.
Stamford. Karen tries to wear Jim down by intentionally squeaking her chair. Jim counters by singing "Lovefool" in an off-key falsetto. Karen curses him out, claiming that it's not a proportionate response because she'll have the song in her head all day...and then the camera pulls back to show Andy, sitting in front of Jim, happily mouthing along with the song...and then singing the last line of the chorus in an interview, grinning, and musing, "What ever happened to those guys?" They put out a great new album in 2005? Rhetorical question? Okay.
Pretzel line. Pam gets out of the elevator with a stack of paperwork. Michael -- who probably should have brought a crossword puzzle to make the wait go faster...or, realistically, something to colour -- barks, "No cuts." Pam pointedly tells him that she thought he could sign off on some cheques so that he wasn't just wasting his time, but Michael doesn't pick up on the hint, and asks her to hold his place while he goes to the bathroom. Cut to Pam, back at her desk, brandishing her log: "12:00pm Stood in Pretzel line." He might have also been working on his Cosby impression before she got down there, though.
Schrute Farm. Dwight launches into a preamble for the phase of their time together, but Ryan impatiently cuts him off, saying that he was in a frat in college and knows what Dwight's doing. Dwight counters that the reason Ryan has yet to make a sale is that he thinks he knows everything, and that he needs to accept that there are people who can teach him things. This assessment seems to hit home for Ryan, who silently follows Dwight into the barn. And his doom. Though that probably goes without saying.
Pretzel line. Michael orders a sweet pretzel with all of eighteen different toppings, none of which is flax, or soy, or spirulina, or wheatgrass, or any of the things Michael should be consuming in the middle of the day.
Barn. Dwight orders Ryan to sit down in an old-fashioned wheelchair, which he does, very reluctantly. A figure goes flying past behind them. Ryan asks who it is. Dwight tries to put him off with some kind of ceremonious crap, but Ryan asks, "Is it your cousin Mose?" Dwight curtly says it is. Dwight then interviews that Mose (Michael Schur) is his cousin; they live together on the farm: "He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today, in which case I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore." So...I have to root against the Dwight/Ryan union, because I don't think that leaving Mose alone is really in the best interests of the community. Back in the barn, Dwight quizzes Ryan about the greatest danger facing the company, the cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide, and what the Dharma Initiative is. Ryan scores poorly.
Scranton branch. In the break room, Kelly worries about Ryan being gone so long with Dwight. Angela says that Ryan will be fine with Dwight. Kelly says that Dwight is weird. Angela disagrees. Kelly: "He's a freak." Angela: "YOU'RE a freak!" Girls, girls! You're both right!
Barn. Dwight's final question: "What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?" Ryan guesses loneliness, or maybe women. Dwight takes a little while before saying that Michael isn't afraid of anything: "Also, I would have accepted 'snakes.'" Hee. Dwight starts rambling on about fear, and how you have to vanquish it -- wrestle it to the ground, even -- before you can sell. He goes to a stereo to turn on Carmina Burana, which cues Mose to run out -- the word "FEAR" written across his shirt in red electrical tape -- and plant his feet, so ready to take Ryan on. But Ryan's had enough. Dwight decides to skip the wrestling and head straight for Ryan getting into a coffin they just happen to have there, in the barn, but Ryan's not down with that either, and stomps out. Mose: "Bye, Ryan." To Dwight: "He seemed nice." So...at some point between now and the launch of the bed & breakfast, Mose went from being a (basically) normal guy with an unfortunate beard to some kind of backwoods manchild. Okay.
After commercials, Ryan is walking along a country road when Dwight pulls up beside him to say how sorry he is, adding that Mose was sorry too, and sent along a basket of eggs and fat-back bacon to express his regrets. You know, as Emily Post always said you should. Dwight says Mose also sent "something he whittled," proffering a little wooden Venus of Willendorf. So Mose has actually evolved from an outsider artist savant to a backwoods manchild. Well, maybe that's actually a shorter trip.
Stamford. Andy comes back to his desk with a cup of coffee, only to discover that he has been chair-switched. Tough break, J.Crew.
Ryan has apparently relented in his rage, and is back in Dwight's passenger seat as Dwight drives along, still apologizing, and explaining that he and Jim never got along, and that he didn't want the same thing to happen with him and Ryan -- he wanted them to be "an unstoppable team." Ryan wearily says that he didn't care about that; he just wanted to go on a sales call. Dwight: "Oh, screw gun -- the sales call!" He pulls a U-Turn. If Ryan has reservations about going on his first sales call in a suit redolent with manure, he doesn't say so.
Scranton branch. Michael's back in his office, working (as much as he ever does) and listening to Gary Glitter's "Rock & Roll Part II." It's loud enough that everyone out in the bullpen is also forced to react, though not as much as Michael, who seems to be so wired on his pretzel that he's moved to put on an impromptu step-aerobics class before calling Coselli back and trying to close a deal -- though he's actually a tiny bit more subdued than he was earlier. There's no Cosby impression, at least.
Dwight's car. As they get closer to their destination, Dwight is very rapidly running down some actually useful sales tips -- by which Ryan is so surprised that he takes a minute to realize he should start writing shit down. However, once he does pull out a pad, Dwight's moved on to Michael's usual advice: "'K-I-S-S. Keep It Simple, Stupid.' Great advice; hurts my feelings every time." Hee. Also, kudos to Michael for knowing the actual words that acronym stands for.
Dwight parks at the sales office and strides up to the building with Ryan, who recaps Dwight's tips. He's going to try to be confident but not cocky. This version of Ryan might be able to pull that off.
Scranton branch. Michael comes out, babbles a high-fructose corn syrup-fueled stream of nonsense, and jitters back to his office. Pam doesn't write "Sugar High" on his log, but she could.
Sales office. Things didn't go so well, it seems, as Ryan sighs that they didn't like him. Dwight nicely says that they didn't have to say so to Ryan's face. Ha! Ryan doesn't understand what he did wrong, but Dwight tells him that not everything is a lesson -- sometimes you just fail. He adds that it's because of "those online paper jerks," who will be screwed "when this whole internet fad is over." Foreshadowing! But Ryan's not willing to give up so easily, grabbing eggs from Mose's basket and pelting the building with them. Dwight tries to stop him -- but not for long, and joins in for as many eggs as he can lob before the security guards come out, whereupon Dwight and Ryan take off in Dwight's car. God help the building that ends up covered in fat-back bacon.
Scranton branch. Jan calls Pam to ask after Michael, who has crashed and is napping with his head on his desk. Pam nicely covers that he's on a sales call. Michael is a lucky idiot boss.
Bar. Dwight and Ryan drop shots in their beers, and though Dwight soon sputters around his boilermaker, Ryan chugs it like the frat boy he always kind of will be. Dwight cheers him on, "Temp! Temp! Temp! ...Ryan! Ryan!" When Ryan's downed his whole drink, Dwight grins, "Just think -- that temp agency could have sent you anywhere!" Ryan, directly to the camera: "I think about that all the time." Ha!