Dwight yells at Kevin to spit out his mouthful of Danish, since he's "." Kevin disobeys, re the pastry, but heeds that call to enter the conference room, at the doorway of which Dwight is standing while wearing his full Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy uniform. "You look cute today, Dwight," Jim says. "Thanks, girl" Dwight spits back, slamming the conference room door. Advantage: Schrute. What's all this about? Jim explains that Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, and as we see Dwight placing little traffic cones around the crime scene, Jim says, "Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
Dwight interrogates Kevin, describing the symptoms of marijuana use. Kevin realizes that Dwight is also describing the symptoms of being Kevin. "Heyyy," he objects stonerly. Dwight THs that he didn't take the volunteer gig to make friends. "And by the way," he boasts, "I haven't."
Jim impersonates Stanley in the break room for Pam, who cracks up and THs for our benefit that Jim does impressions. She does Jim doing Phyllis for us and is embarrassed when nobody laughs. I actually thought that was a pretty good impression of Oscar doing Creed doing Toby.
In the conference room, Deputy Dwight gets tired of Kelly's babbling about her party adventures with Ryan, and yells at her to just tell him what time she went home last night. Kelly cowers, and says she left at 6.
Now that Dwight has learned from Kelly that Ryan was at a party on Saturday, he demands Ryan's keys so that he can search Ryan's car. Ryan refuses. Dwight warns Ryan not to do this the hard way. Ryan asks what that entails: Dwight: "I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer -- I know several -- what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him." "Yeah, let's do it that way," Ryan agrees.
Michael finally appears, telling Dwight to chill already. Dwight hotly insists that it's his job as a deputy (ignoring Jim's interjection of the word "volunteer" every time he takes a breath). Michael coughs, "Narc!" Which Dwight totally takes all the fun out of. Not that there was a great deal there to begin with. Michael ends the scene with an interminable, nonsensical monologue in stoner-ese cobbled together from dimly remembered movie trailers. Michael Scott just became my anti-drug.
But Dwight is still on the trail, telling us that Oscar went to Mexico when he was five. "He's a potential drug mule," Dwight concludes. His interview with Oscar ends abruptly when he asks, "Have you ever pooped a balloon?" This prompts Oscar to get up and walk out, whereupon Dwight observes, "He sure left in a hurry." Dwight THs that this is a big deal for him; he's getting the chance to solve an actual crime. And we see him using crime scene equipment to reenact the perp's tossing of the blunt onto the pavement. Just like he's seen on C.S.I., only without all the digitally rendered grossness.
Dwight shows Phyllis a photo of some weed, which she identifies as marijuana. Dwight thinks he's just busted her, until she explains, "It's labeled." Dwight has rectified this oversight when he shows the same photo to Creed, who confidently says, "That is Northern Lights Cannabis indica." "No, it's marijuana," Dwight sighs. When Jim's turn comes, he turns it around on Dwight, saying that pot is a memory loss drug. "Now how much pot did you smoke?" Jim demands. There he goes again. Maybe Schrute-o isn't what Jim does. Maybe it's more like Schrute-jitsu.
In the break room, Oscar requests a performance of Jim's Stanley impression. Jim obligingly "does" Stanley, which of course brings Stanley out of the men's room door right behind him. Why this surprises anyone is a mystery; it should be well known among TV characters by now that the more accurate and humorous your impersonation of another character, the more certain that impersonation is to cause that person to appear directly behind you, even if he or she has to be conjured from the very dust motes in the air. Oscar makes himself scarce as Stanley tells Jim, "I do not think that is funny." Good for Stanley for not altering his delivery whatsoever. Pam assures Stanley that Jim does everyone, and that it's nothing personal. Instead of making any requests, Stanley leaves. Pam and Jim giggle at each other when he's gone. They both Stanley "I do not think that is funny" at the same time. Pam therefore jinxes Jim, so now he has to buy her a Coke before he can speak again. "Those are the rules of Jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid," she informs us. As she says this, something very upsetting to me as a weecapper occurs. Specifically, Pam follows Jim out of the break room, through the bullpen, and...back into the break room again! What the fuck? I just now realized that the Scranton office has a kitchen that is completely separate from the break room. Inconvenient and embarrassing. Oh, well, too late to fix it in my old weecaps now. Onward! Anyway, in the break room, the vending machine is...sold out. Jim mutely appeals to Pam for clemency. "Sorry, it's not my problem," Pam says, breezing out.
Dwight conducts a faux interview with Angela, saying that although he knows she's innocent, he has to make it look good. "Where were you yesterday after work?" he shouts at her. Angela's smile tells us that she thinks it looks very good indeed.
Michael comes out of his office to find Dwight on the phone. He launches back into his narc bit, encouraged by Kevin. Undaunted, Dwight hangs up his phone and announces that drug testers are on their way as we speak. Apparently, this is company policy when drugs are found on the premises, which Toby more or less confirms. Michael stops teasing and starts looking nervous. Hmm, might Michael have something to hide?
Sure enough, in a TH, he admits that he went to an Alicia Keys concert two nights ago, and this girl with a lip ring in the seat to him had a friend who was passing around clove cigarettes. "Everyone was doing it," he excuses. Back in the bullpen, Michael announces that he's cancelling the drug testing in favor of visual inspections he will conduct himself. But Dwight isn't having it. "It has to be official and it has to be urine!" he yells at everyone, swiveling from side to side in his seat like Deputy Shit of Turd County. Michael retreats to his office to regroup, and possibly think of a way to parallel himself to Vic Mackey on The Shield.
Dwight asks Accounting as a group what prescription drugs they're taking. Angela says none. "You're not...on...anything?" Dwight asks. Angela just looks at him. "Good," Dwight says, much to Kevin and Oscar's confusion.
Jim's in the break room (not the kitchen) with Kelly, who's talking about a recent date with Ryan while Jim's prohibited from saying anything. Not that Kelly notices. Pam comes in to tell them that Michael's called a meeting, but they should take their time to finish up their conversation. If I recap Jim's expressions in this scene, and indeed the rest of the episode, I'm never getting out of here.
Michael has decided to make this a come-to-Jesus meeting about drug use, heroically spinning his earlier ribbing of Dwight as a narc. "How many of you defended him?" Michael demands. He lectures that drugs ruin lives and careers, and breaks out a bunch of stats that he is making up on the spot. Which makes them fresh, at least. He unveils a flip-chart list he's written, of illegal drugs, and asks who's familiar with them. "Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael," Toby correctly but unwisely points out. Michael tells Pam "take this down" and, ignoring the way Pam is showing her empty hands to the camera, orders Toby's blood and hair tested as well, bulldozing over Toby's protests. Michael opens the floor for stories about drugs, and Pam raises her hand to very seriously nominate Jim to tell a story about "a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs." Jim stares hate-beams at Pam, who just looks back encouragingly. After much prodding from Michael, Jim finally rises, shakes his head, and sits back down faux-emotionally, his hand to his eyes. "That looked like it was gonna be good," Michael says, disappointed. And Pam is deeply impressed. "Fake crying!" she THs. "Did not expect that." Back in the meeting, Michael says that since nobody else hates drugs as much as he does, they'll all be tested and he won't. Dwight assures Michael that everyone will be tested, with no exceptions, and Michael waspishly says fine, but warns Dwight that he's so busy today he wasn't even planning to go to the bathroom, and who knows if anything will even come out?
Dwight introduces himself to the drug testing lady, who doesn't remember him from a test he took years before, until he reminds her of his green urine. "Oh, right. How are you?" she asks. Dwight assures her that he's all better. Again with Dwight's urological issues.
Michael calls Dwight into his office and rattles off a list of things he needs, trying to camouflage a request for some of Dwight's urine in there. Dwight refuses. Michael leans way forward and drops his voice to a desperate whisper as he tells Dwight about the girl with the lip ring at the Alicia Keys concert. Dwight isn't at all sure about this, as Michael sets a coffee cup marked "Michael Scott Sample" on the desk between them. There it is. It's not often that Michael tells Dwight, "Put your dick right here" in such explicit terms.
After the ads. Dwight chugs bottled water as Angela questions his decision to give Michael, in Dwight's words, "all the urine he needs."
Ryan asks the urine-testing lady if they're hiring. Ryan must really hate mailing résumés.
In the stairwell, Dwight sits on the landing and wrestles with his conscience. Fortunately, Dwight's conscience isn't any better at martial arts than Dwight is. He talks about his dad -- whom he never knew cheated at board games against Dwight until years later -- as he vacillates between delivering the cup to Michael's office and doing something even more unspeakable with a cup of his own whiz. Finally, Dwight slips it to Michael through a crack in the office door.
In the kitchen, Pam meanly teases Jim, acting like she's trying to get Jim to talk to her and he's just being reticent. "Jim, you can tell me anything," she says. Oops, stopped being funny right there.
Dwight picks up his volunteer deputy hat and jacket and leaves the office. And then we see him entering City Hall, back in his civvies. Normally I don't wade into the deleted scenes, but the one where Dwight goes to resign his volunteer deputy position and turns out never to have had it in the first place is sorely missed. By me, at least.
Kevin asks the urine-testing lady for a magazine. "We only test urine," she tells him. "I'd still like one," Kevin insists.
Dwight returns to the office. Michael invites him into his office and thanks Dwight for the clean pee. "Where's your costume?" he asks. Dwight explains that he broke his oath of office today, so he resigned. He walks out without waiting for a response, slamming Michael's door in his face. Michael is left standing in his office, and for a second, he actually looks like he feels bad. And then he manages to summon up a "whatever" face, so I'm sure he thinks it's all better.
Pam has also been out, and she delivers a Coke to Jim's desk. She wants Jim to buy it from her so she can find out what's been going on with Dwight all day. Jim gives her a dollar and her Coke back, and they have ten minutes left in her break to catch up. Doesn't Pam owe Jim some change? She could maybe start by changing boyfriends.
I underestimated Michael; he has come up with a bone to throw Dwight, in the form of making him the building's "official security supervisor." He leads Dwight down to the security desk, which is already occupied by an aging security guard. As has been obviously prearranged by Michael, the guard "swears" Dwight in and gives him a plastic tin star to pin on his suit jacket. "Can I have a gun?" Dwight asks. The guard says that even he doesn't have one. Dwight's fine bringing in his bo staff. Michael leaves Dwight to "go over some details" with the guard, who is already regretting letting Michael talk him into this.
Jim THs that this was a terrible day to not be able to talk: "Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People." Jim wonders to us what Dwight gets out of his relationship with Michael, anyway, as the camera watches Jim talk to Pam in the kitchen. The semi-open blinds obscure the shot a bit, but I'm sure you can still see the irony.
Oh, and speaking of deleted scenes, the actual culprits turned out to be a couple of randoms from Vance Refrigeration. Not that it matters, right?