It's Valentine's Day, as you can see by Pam's pink sweater, more-down-than-usual hair, and TH about how everyone gives each other little gifts in the office like the card with Dwight's head on it that Jim gave her last year. Further clues: the episode title above, and the giant bouquet of red roses that gets delivered. As the receptionist, Pam has to pretend to not look too expectant as she reads the card and announces that they're for Phyllis. She THs that she made Roy promise not to get her anything too big, since they're saving for their wedding and all. I have no doubt that this is one promise Roy plans to keep. Back at Reception, Meredith reads Phyllis's card aloud. It's literally signed, "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."
In Michael's office, Dwight is assisting him with some exposition about the trip to New York he's making today, in order to make a presentation on the branch to the new CFO. Dwight asks about Jan, and Michael gets all giggly about the Valentine's Day angle until Dwight uses the word "screwed" in relation to Michael and Jan's past. He THs that he would have to be a "raving lunatic" to try to approach Jan today, as clearly stated in her e-mail to him that morning.
On his way out, Michael offers to pick something up in New York for Pam. She declines, and Oscar tells him that the best present would be to impress the CFO on behalf of the branch. "Fuhgeddaboudit," Michael slurs, and exits, having inspired a negative amount of confidence.
After the credits, we're riding along in the shotgun seat of Michael's Sebring as he calls New York, New York "the city so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name." Well, at least he said something new there.
Jim THs about looking forward to Valentine's Day as a single guy, when he plans to spend the evening cleaning his friends out at cards. "Because...they're idiots," Jim snickers. Plus he's had all of these years of practice working on his poker face eight hours a day. Pam, meanwhile, is working on the guest list for her wedding.
Dwight sits at his desk, alarmed by the medium-sized cardboard box waiting there for him. Jim says he had nothing to do with it, and seems bored enough to be credible. Dwight carefully slits the tape like it's a bomb. Inside is something even better: the famous Dwight bobblehead. As Dwight celebrates, Angela quietly smiles into her file drawer.
Michael has reached the city early, planning to hang out and enjoy some authentic New York pizza at...Sbarro. Michael is less New York than I am. I think that makes him the only one.
Jim wanders into the break room, sees Kelly reading a magazine, and makes the fatal mistake of asking her what's up. It's fatal because she tells him, at great length. The Kelly/Ryan romance has begun, apparently. "Now, I have a boyfriend!" she squees.
"I hooked up with her on February 13th," Ryan THs, running his fingers through his stressed-out hair so they come away leaving him looking like a troll doll.
Michael is in Times Square, because he likes to avoid the touristy stuff.
Another bouquet of flowers has arrived at Reception, and Pam doesn't bother to hide her expectant smile this time. Except these turn out to be for Phyllis, too. In the background, Meredith sips a refreshing beverage as she looks resentfully at the growing display on Phyllis's desk. Meredith's cup and the straw are both opaque, so we can probably assume it's some kind of sport drink in there.
Michael is heading down into the subway station, explaining the benefits of underground transportation to us as though we're viewing this from a cardboard box, on the moon, in 1580. He abruptly turns back at the sight of "a guy pooping in a cardboard box." Amateur.
, Michael is at a vantage point overlooking the Rockefeller Center skating rink. He spots a brown-haired woman with glasses on a cell phone, and accosts her, thinking it's Tina Fey. Which is why he's so distracted that he misses it when the actual Conan O'Brien walks by. There's a cut, during which Michael apparently got word that he missed a real celebrity sighting by bugging "the fake Tina Fey." He's seriously pissed off about it, too. Judging by the annoyed look on Conan's face as he lumbered past, I'd say Michael got off lucky.
Dwight and Angela have one of their clandestine conversations, in which he says that "someone" got him the best present ever. She's glad he likes it, and adds that she hasn't gotten anything. Dwight smoothly assures her that she will. She leaves. And Dwight begins to panic.
Michael talks about how he would like to live in New York one day, because it's like Scranton on acid. No, speed. No, steroids. Also, he's completely lost. However, he's just spotted a body of water a few blocks away. He figures out that he's looking at either the Hudson or the East River, which is how he gets his bearings back. Clearly, he's on at least one edge of the island. Eventually, he ends up in front of the building that houses Dunder Mifflin Corporate, talking about the pressure that's on him for the task that lies ahead. He even compares himself to General Schwarzkopf in Desert Storm. "And we will not have to deal with those Iraqis any more," he promises.
One of Jim's card buddies cancels on him. After Pam finishes watching him, a delivery guy wrestles a giant teddy bear through the door and calls for Phyllis. "Holy God," Pam mutters. An amazed Kevin remarks that the ursine plush is bigger than he is. "No it's not," says the delivery guy. "Oh, zip it," Kevin snaps. I actually can't tell which one of them is correct.
Michael enters the conference room at Corporate, where three other regional managers are already waiting. One of them is Jim's future boss, Josh, whom Michael insists on high-fiving. There's also Dan Gore from Buffalo and a tall tool named Craig from Albany. Apparently, the bosses are running late. Fortunately, Michael brought a full supply of awkward pauses to fill the time.
A desperate Dwight pulls Pam into the break room to asks what to get his girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Pam pretends that she doesn't know said girlfriend is Angela as she says a gift is really about the meaning of it, rather than the item itself. "You mean like a ham?" Dwight asks. "No, not like a ham," Pam says with admirable restraint. The point, she says, is to show how much you care. Dwight's got it. Telling Pam to shut up on his way out is just a bonus.
The regional managers are discussing recent firings, and Craig talks about how Jan told him to fire four people, and he ignored her. "I don't work for that bitch," Craig says. Michael steps up in Jan's defense, not because that language is inappropriate, but because Jan is his girlfriend. Which is what he goes and tells everyone, to general shock and appallment. Is appallment a word? I don't care -- I've still got a lot of old episodes of this show left, and I'm sure I'll need it again. Michael tries to drop the subject, and Josh is only too happy to help. He's probably annoyed that Jan never noticed his superhero jawline.
Kelly is again talking to Jim about Ryan in the break room. They both fall silent when Ryan himself walks in, and then Kelly asks Ryan if he wants to do something tonight. "Oh, no, not while I'm here," mumbles Jim to the universe. Which is pretty ballsy of him, considering he recently asked out a chick's voice mail in front of Kelly. Ryan pretends he has plans with his friends that night. Kelly pretends that's cool with her. Jim pretends he's not there. All three of them suck at pretending.
Pam delivers a new bouquet and box of chocolates to Phyllis's desk. Getting a little moody about it, too, as she drops them brusquely on the formica. As is Meredith, who freshens up her sport drink in the break room with a little tonic water and lime. Maybe those things will actually make it somewhat drinkable.
Jan introduces CFO David Wallace to the four regional managers at corporate, then THs from her office that she's nervous. A bit later, Josh finishes up his slick PowerPoint presentation complete with pie charts. Now it's Michael's turn, and his bit is a touchy-feely video montage of the Scrantonites entitled "The Faces of Scranton" by Michael Scott. Which ends with the title card "A Michael Scott Joint" and a production card for "Great Scott" showing Steve Martin and Robin Williams over Michael exclaiming "Great Scott!" in a bad British accent. After the movie, Michael stands modestly to the dark screen, mistaking the silent shock and appallment (see?) filling the room for awe at his cinematic achievement. Finally, Wallace recovers enough to say that he's looking more for information on the branch's performance. Fortunately, Michael brought that too, and he hands out some binders. Whew, that was close.
Pam delivers a pot of flowers to Oscar. "Nothing for me?" Angela asks. "Join the club," Pam grumps back. Oscar reads the enclosed card and quickly sticks it in pocket, saying it's from his mom.
Meredith has passed out at her desk. You'd think she would have had enough electrolytes in her by now to get through the day.
Kelly is still bending Jim's ear -- and his soul -- with more blather about Ryan. Jim finally loses patience, because you know Jim has no time to waste on romantic feelings that aren't ever going to go anywhere. He tells her to move on, and come to his poker game tonight. Kelly seems to hear what Jim is saying, but then she irritates him all over again by asking if she can invite Ryan along.
Gore from Buffalo finishes his presentation, so now it's Craig's turn. Except Craig didn't know he had to have any numbers. Embarrassing. Jan gives him a hard time, and Craig bitches, "Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get in any trouble. Maybe I should have slept with you, too." And there it is. Wallace looks at Jan, his face a study in shock and appallment. Jan looks at Michael, her expression filled with rage and betrayal. Michael looks at nothing. Really, really hard.
Cut to him and Jan in Jan's office, which can't be helping. But I would hasten to assure Wallace that they are totally not making out. Jan is beyond upset, too freaked out and terrified of losing her job over this to even be very angry at Michael. Michael offers to talk to David and try to fix it. "Surely you can't be serious," Jan scoffs. Michael assures her that he is. "And don't call me Shirley. Airplane!" Wow, if Michael's gotten his shit together enough to get a pop-culture reference correct, he might actually pull this off.
Dwight sits at his chair and smugly watches Angela open a tiny package on her desk. It's...a key to his place. I am surprised. I've seen Dwight's place, and I would have expected the key to be a cast-iron skeleton number the size of your shinbone.
Roy comes in to pick up Pam, and he quickly picks up on her mood. "Valentine's Day isn't over," he assures her. "Let's get you home, and you are gonna get the best sex of your life." That works about as well as you'd think. And in case you are a boy, that means not at all.
Jan and Michael stand before Wallace's desk in his office, as Michael covers for Jan and apologizes to both of them. He blames Craig for being an idiot, which isn't exactly a tough sell. Jan, once she gets over her amazement that Michael has pulled it off, tells Wallace that it's fine with her if they just forget about it. Good luck with that, Levinson.
Jim leaves for the day, wishing Pam a happy Valentine's Day. She looks disappointed that he didn't get her anything either. Although I suspect that right now, she wouldn't entirely mind if he offered her the same gift that Roy just did. Phyllis follows him out, bent under the weight of her giant teddy bear like a homecoming queen leaving the state fair. Our homecoming queen was less attractive, though.
Corporate. In the elevator lobby, Jan catches up with Michael and thanks him for his classy move earlier. They wish each other a happy Valentine's Day, and then, much to Michael's surprise, Jan kisses him. He is irresistible to her when he's just saved her ass, isn't he? Michael awkwardly cuts a look at the camera behind her. Jan turns and sees us for the first time, and as the elevator doors close on Michael, her face falls in horror. Here we go again.
Michael stands in front of the Fiddler on the Roof marquee on Broadway and runs through every word of Yiddish he knows: "Oy, vey! Schmear!" And then he does a bad little Tevye dance on the sidewalk. This peek into what daily life at the Dunder Mifflin-Scranton branch would be like if anyone there were obviously Jewish has been brought to you by the ADL.