Michael and Dwight burst into the office and make a big, noisy, sweaty, yelly show of hauling a giant, freshly-cut evergreen tree into the bullpen. They prop it up into a vertical position, where it turns out to be tall enough to completely disappear at least one of the suspended ceiling tiles. "Merry Christmas!" Michael pants at everyone, flashing a grin like a winded piano.
After the credits, we find Kevin working on trimming the top couple of feet off the tree using a paper cutter. Re-erecting the newly blunt-topped tree, he asks Michael why he got it so big (earning himself a joyful holiday "That's what she said"), and Michael proudly says they'll sell the hacked-off chunk -- "a perfectly good mini-tree" -- to charity. And Dwight gets to work vacuuming up the small pine needle forest beneath the mangled ceiling with a DustBuster, which should only take him about a week.
Jim's showing us what he got Pam for her Secret Santa gift: a cute little teapot, and a whole box of "inside jokes." These include his high school yearbook photo, a hot sauce packet, a little yellow pencil, and also a card, "because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel." When Jim closes up the box, his expression goes from really excited to kind of nervous at what he's just committed himself to. He doesn't even know the half of how wrong this is going to go.
Angela is riding herd over the party planning committee, which Ryan has been drafted into. He THs, "Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive." Wow. Just, wow. Not only has Ryan been here long enough to know better, so has Angela. She hasn't yet figured out that she also needs to plan for impossible disasters? Speaking of whom, Michael comes bounding in with a Santa hat and beard, telling them to double everything, on his tab. In a TH from his office, he explains his generosity by saying it was a tough year, firing Devon and all, but at least he got a bonus of "three thousand G's" for saving the company money. Michael tells the committee that he wants a "Playboy Mansion" party, and he'll be putting the best photo from his digital camera on the cover of the newsletter. Pam reminds him that they can't serve liquor, and Michael takes this with typical bad grace. "Like booze ever killed anybody," he scoffs.
The preparations continue apace. Oscar and Kevin wrestle a desk while Dwight suggests the use of a nonexistent hand truck, and Pam impassively watches Angela wrestle with a cheap plastic tablecloth. And in Michael's office, he's refusing to let Darryl borrow the Santa hat, on the grounds of "Have you ever seen Santa?" Because to Michael, a black Santa is more confusing than a completely self-absorbed one. Not that Michael sees himself that way, of course. Dwight asks to be the elf, which Michael is on board with, "because he has elfish features." Watching at home, Orlando Bloom says, "Hey!"
So then Dwight is wearing the green Robin Hood hat and giant plastic elf-ears he's going to be rocking for most of the rest of the episode, as he lays down the law on the Secret Santa thing. They have five minutes to get their gifts under the tree or they're disqualified. "No exceptions! Except Michael."
Toby tells us that he drew Angela, and he bought her the infamous baby musicians poster that will be turning up later this season in "Conflict Resolution." "I felt kinda weird buying that," he says. And that's Exhibit A on why there's hope for Toby. Oscar says he drew Creed's name, about whom he knows nothing. He thinks he's Irish, so he got a shamrock keychain. It's too bad Andy's not here yet, to record for Creed an a capella version of "Midnight Confessions" by Creed's 60s band The Grass Roots (not making that up). Kevin drew his own name. "I was supposed to tell somebody but I didn't." And then he gives us a smile that is as close as people ever get to the childhood joy of Christmas when they're at the office. Or at least, my office.
Still wearing his Santa hat, Michael goes to schmooze with Jim about Secret Santa. Jim doesn't want to say whose name he drew, "because it's a secret [although not the secret I continue to convince myself certain other things are]." Undeterred, Michael says he spent "a lotta dough" for his guy. After mentioning the twenty-dollar limit, Jim tells Michael not to tell him who it is. "It was Ryan," Michael boasts. Jim demonstrates Annoyed Nod #5. That's one of my favorites.
Secret Santa time. Dwight poaches the Christmas light plug from Stanley and someone hits the overhead lights. In the darkness, Michael counts down to the lighting of the tree, which turns out to be, as he says, "...Not great." Phyllis dies inside; she was in charge of the lights. But if Angela keeps glaring at the tree like that, it's going to start giving off a much heartier glow as it catches fire.
TH Michael explains the true meaning of Christmas gift-giving: "It's this tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars' worth!"
Oscar is the first to open his gift: a shower radio from Kelly. Dwight cuts off the felicitations to toss Jim an old beige flannel shirt in a plastic bag. "That's from me," Creed boasts. Showing off its three-quarter-length (on him) sleeves in a TH, Jim says that Creed obviously forgot to get anything, so he grabbed something from his closet and put it in a sack. Which isn't funny, because we already figured all that out. What makes it funny is when Creed mildly THs, "Yep, that's exactly what happened."
Pam opens her teapot, and is thrilled. Jim doesn't say anything, but she knows it's from him anyway, because they are The Magic. Dwight tosses Ryan his gift, which nearly gives Michael a stroke. And Ryan opens up a video iPod. Which, by the way, you can watch episodes of The Office on, as soon as the writers stop getting screwed out of their share of the revenue. "Whoa, somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas," Michael gloats from behind his madly flashing digital camera, while everyone -- no one more so than Ryan -- looks uncomfortable at the $400 price tag. Michael acts all expansive and generous, saying that what matters is that Christmas is fun. So now it's Michael's turn to open his gift, and he says those three words everyone wants to hear -- especially Phyllis -- when their gift is opened: "Ah, come on." Phyllis says she knitted the pink oven mitt (with a rubber insulated palm) herself, and Michael storms out of the office, throwing the Santa hat on the reception couch as he goes. And then he bitches to us about how little Phyllis cares about him. "I gave Ryan an iPod!" he snots, waving his oven-mitted hand around. And not to pile on Phyllis, because I appreciate hand-crafted gifts, but...pink?
Inside the office, the Secret Santa proceedings have come to a halt, while Dwight makes everyone wait for further instructions from Michael. Phyllis is, of course, devastated. Naturally Michael's Santa was the most phragile person in the office. It couldn't have been any other way. Finally Michael comes back and breezily decrees that it's not Secret Santa any more; it's Yankee Swap, also known as "Nasty Christmas" or "White Elephant" or "Dirty Santa" or "Michael Scott Is A Prick," depending upon certain regional preferences. Oscar and Angela object, and Angela THs that Michael should have asked the party planning committee before making a change like this. And then she abruptly melts into tears, in that patented disaster-victim way she has.
Michael tells Meredith it's her turn, and she poaches Pam's teapot, despite Michael's efforts to sell his oven mitt. Jim objects, but Michael shuts him down with a piercing scream of "EEEEEEYankee Swap!". And now Pam takes Ryan's iPod. Ryan picks a new gift, and opens a flowery lavender desktop nameplate that reads "Kelly." "That was meant for Kelly," Stanley volunteers. "I think this is going great!" Michael self-deludes.
It's snowing outside when Kelly opens the poster Toby bought for Angela. "Yikes," she says frankly. "That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen." Angela claims the poster when her turn comes , which leaves Kelly eligible to steal the iPod from its current owner, Oscar. Michael gloats to us about what a huge hit his gift is. "It is almost a Christmas miracle." What is, that he hasn't been shot in the face yet? Oscar takes the teapot from Meredith, and Pam is starting to look like she regrets giving that up. Meredith tries to claim the iPod, but it's off-limits since it's already been stolen this round. So Michael starts talking up his oven mitt. Meredith takes pity on Phyllis and claims it, and Michael crows about what a sucker Meredith is for buying his pitch. He also THs to us about reverse psychology: "Basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid." Is that why I'm seized by the urge to dine at Chili's every time I watch this show?
Dwight watches excitedly as Michael opens a bag of paintball ammo that comes with paintball lessons from Dwight. Which, for Dwight, is really quite thoughtful. Not only has he transcended the $20 limit by giving something of himself (much as Jim attempted to do for Pam), but it's probably also the most awesome thing Dwight could ever think of, dollar limit or no. And now he gets to spend some quality off-site time with Michael, which just made this Dwight's Best Christmas Ever. Naturally, Michael doesn't see it that way. "How is that better than an iPod?" he demands angrily. Stung, Dwight says that he never claimed any such thing, which is such a reasonable point that it sounds weird coming from Dwight. Michael takes Dwight's elf-ears and throws them in his face. Ouch. But Dwight salvages his dignity in a TH in which he claims that counting the lessons, his gift is easily worth two grand. "Take that, Saddam!" he spits during target practice in the parking lot.
Kevin takes a footbath from Pam, and THs, "That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it." Too late, he wonders if he should have taken the iPod. Now it's Pam's turn to take the iPod, which Jim asks if she's sure she wants to do, with the teapot up for grabs and everything. "I mean, it's an iPod," Pam apologizes, and Jim lets it go. Kelly claims a book of short stories from Dwight (which, no, unless it's a bound volume of a year's worth of InTouch Weekly), and now Dwight takes the teapot from Oscar. Jim: "You've gotta be kidding me."
Now that it's over, Phyllis leaves the room, upset. I'm surprised she lasted this long. Everyone starts piling on Michael for acting like a four-year-old and expecting something in return that compares to a $400 iPod. He defensively says, "I got a big bonus because I fired Devon and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!" So now on top of everything else, everyone's pissed at Michael for getting a $3,000 bonus. I think it's safe to assume that they did not. Michael THs bitterly, "Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame." And then he's at the liquor store, buying fifteen bottles of vodka. "That should do it," the cashier says. Even if Michael keeps one of the bottles aside to set himself alight?
The party's underway back at the office. Kevin takes his life in his hands, turning up the stereo on his desk while standing in his new foot bath. Fortunately he does not die. Angela never would have forgiven him for that. Jim is trying to trade or buy Pam's teapot back from Dwight, but Dwight refuses, even though he's not a tea-drinker. He plans to use it as a neti pot, and demonstrates how well the spout will fit up his nose. "It's a little too much to handle," Jim THs afterwards, as close to violence as we've ever seen him. It's actually quite hot.
Pam is showing off her new iPod to Roy, who has now decided that he'll just get her "a sweater or something." Michael returns with the booze. Toby gives a typically weak protest, and is typically overridden. Meredith is the first to belly up to the bar. She THs that this is her last hurrah, as she made a New Year's resolution that she won't drink any more. "During the week," she clarifies.
Phyllis brings her boyfriend, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, to meet Kevin, Stanley, and Ryan. He shakes each of their hands in turn, introducing himself as "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" each time. "What line of work you in, Bob?" Ryan deadpans Consider the ice broken.
While listening to Roy and Darryl talk fantasy football, Pam's regrets about swapping the teapot seem to hit her hard. Hey, it's a start.
Things are picking up, as people do shots off the reception desk and Michael gives Ryan props for being "King of the party committee," prompting Angela to bestow one of her brain-melting glares upon them both. Jim visits Pam at the reception desk, and learns that she traded with Dwight to get the teapot back. Pleased, Jim happily tells her to check out what's inside, and while she's laughing over the yearbook picture ("Yeah, I think I made the right choice," she THs happily -- again, it's a start), Jim snakes the card back. Whew, that was close. And yet it pleases me that not only does Roy have to shell out for an iPod now, it's still not going to be able to touch Jim's gift.
Dwight is thanking Michael for the iPod when who should show up but an already incredibly drunk Packer, sporting a sprig of mistletoe sticking out over his belt. Where's my hedge trimmer? The party continues to get more raucous, as Michael magnanimously presents Darryl with the Santa hat, then wrecks the moment by attempting a soul hug. Dinkin' flicka, Michael. Kevin pastes up photocopies of his butt, Michael appears with a lampshade on his head, and Jim Silly-Strings the scalp of a passed-out Packer. Kelly catches up to Dwight in the break room and gives him a peck on the lips, causing him to freak out, and Angela to glare some more. She should have paced those glares a little better early on. Oh, wait, she's gone outside to smash ornaments by the dumpster. Never mind. Those are the nice ones, too.
The party breaks up, and people are heading to Poor Richard's for the after party. Even Michael gets invited along, because Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration doesn't know any better. As Michael blathers about the meaning of Christmas while he packs up his office and the rest of the staff has a snowball fight outside, a soused Meredith presents herself in Michael's office and sheds her sweater and shirt. When Michael turns around and beholds the spectacle awaiting him, he sucks in a huge breath that he clearly expects to be his last. But when gazing upon his employee's pendulous mommy-bags fails to turn him to stone, he flashes his digital camera at them and heads out like nothing happened. Every once in a while he does exactly the right thing. Because you can't spell "stopped clock" without "Scott," sort of.