Credits. "Glug glug," says the water cooler.
Jim is rifling through papers on his desk when Michael emerges from his office. Michael plays it "cool," perching on the desk and straining to casually ask Jim whether he's gotten any emails. Jim doesn't think so. "Check your spam folder," Michael's not-so-hidden agenda advises. Jim indulgently locates the one Michael is looking for -- "Fifty Signs Your Priest Might Be Michael Jackson." Fifty? Really? Wow. One thing you can say for nitwits: they're prolific. Michael watches from the corner of the desk, giggling hysterically as Jim scans the list, until finally, Jim just gives him a "Well done. Topical!" Michael THs that he's "King Of Forwards." Michael continues to stand for all of our worst selves. Awash in good thoughts about how much fun he has sending around hilarious and wonderful jokes that are loved by all, Michael goes on to compare the office to the cast of Friends: "I am Chandler...and Joey...and Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is...Kramer." Hey, Dwight isn't a racist. He's sexually attracted to Indian women!
Speaking of Dwight, now he and Michael are at Dwight's desk, laughing about another sexy, sexy email, as Pam looks dubiously on from reception. Dwight begs Michael to take the link and "forward it around," apparently seeing Michael's email address as a valued stamp of approval that will vault this item into the public consciousness. Michael gives this some serious thought before throwing Dwight a "maybe," which Dwight sucks down like a seal with a slimy little fish. Just then, right behind Michael, we see David Koechner, late of various comedy enterprises, including but not limited to Saturday Night Live. He comes up, seizes the back of Michael's jacket, and doubles it over Michael's head. With Michael still trapped and squirming, Todd Packer (for it is Todd Packer) says, "What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? [frees Michael and points to self with thumbs] This guy!" Somewhere, you know that someone does that unironically, and it makes me cry. As these two fun-loving dudes low-five each other, Stanley looks on like he can't believe he's currently being visited by a bigger tool than Michael. There is assorted dude business, and then Packer turns to Jim and says, "What's up, Halpert? Still queer?" Jim stiffly chooses not to react. Packer and Michael laugh at the hilarity -- hilarity -- of "still queer?" as a total slam on a dude.
Michael THs that he and Packer are "total BFF." That's really something, coming so fast on the heels of a derisive queerness reference. He says that they were salesmen together, and this one time? They met these twins? And Packer told them he and Michael were brothers? And then Packer boned them both! This is where Packer becomes, really, the most irredeemable person in the series (after maybe, eventually, Ryan), because you sense that he takes advantage of Michael's insecurity and desperation on purpose, letting Michael think they're pals while mostly just using him as a sounding board for bad jokes and tales of whoring. It's a masterful reversal, because Michael is the most obvious subject of derision in the ongoing arc of the story, but intentionally exploiting the same weaknesses that everyone else laments all day long makes Packer the closest thing the show has to a flat-out villain. You can hate Michael, but you can't do anything to him.
"Send me that link to the monkey sex video," says Michael to Dwight. I don't even know how to make use of those words in my day-to-day life, but I'm thinking it will be at work! (Just kidding, Scheinhardt Wig Company!) Dwight is all excited about the fact that his forward is about to go global, and even more so when Michael adds a "forward it like it's ho-ot" kicker. The fun ends, of course, when Toby appears, telling Michael they need to talk in his office. Michael THs that Toby, as the HR guy, answers to corporate and is not part of the "family." Michael adds, "Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family." Hey, at least Toby's not the member of the family everyone else avoids at Thanksgiving, even if it means hiding under the turkey, Michael.
Toby tells Michael that because of a harassment-related resignation elsewhere, he's been asked to do a quick review of the company's policy. Of course, Michael objects, whining about how you can't worry about whether every little thing you do is potentially sexually harassing someone. Foreshadowing with regard to Ryan? Toby adds that a lawyer will then come in to refresh everyone's recollection about what's what, and Michael objects even more to the idea that some lawyer (boooo!) will give a command "to not send out hilarious emails and not tell jokes." At any rate, Michael accompanies Toby out into the office, where he curtly and pointedly makes clear his displeasure about the fact that Toby has something to say. Toby tells everyone he'll be doing a five-minute review of the harassment policy later, and everyone nods agreeably. Michael tells Toby there's going to be a mutiny over this. Apparently, it will be a mutiny of pleasantness.
In a TH, Michael tells a joke that's not really worth repeating, except to say that he starts it, "A guy goes to a five-dollar...lady of the night." Because he's delicate and classy like that. When it's over, Michael lets his joke hang in the air like the odor of spoiled cheese and says, "This is what's at stake." Indeed.
Note: I realize that to many of you, this plot probably seems unrealistic, in that you can't imagine that people actually sit around forwarding disgusting and inappropriate emails at work. But if you have ever worked in HR in a large organization, or if you have ever worked in some other capacity that exposed you to stories of how people lose their jobs, you know that the number of people who cannot resist using their work computers to forward around pictures of Condoleezza Rice's head attached to a porn star's body or whatever is far greater than you could ever imagine. I have often said that if there is one thing I have learned from having once worked in the field of employment law, it is this: Please, people. Enjoy your pornography at home.
Later, Michael takes a walk to the warehouse, where he tells us "jokes are born." He is there, of course, to seek a "killer joke" for the seminar. Michael finds Darryl and Roy and some people without lines, and he tells them he needs a joke. Darryl wonders if Michael wants a "knock-knock joke." Michael wants a better joke than that, so Darryl asks whether Michael got his tight pants at "Queers R Us." The q-word is kind of taking a beating here, eh? Michael clarifies that he doesn't necessarily want a joke at his own expense. Not feeling cooperative, Darryl elects to stay on the topic of Michael's pants and the visibility of his "business." Unable to get a subject change, Michael leaves in defeat.
Upstairs, Toby is reviewing the sexual harassment policy with a PowerPoint presentation, telling everyone that "intent is irrelevant." Pam raises her hand. She wants to mention to everyone that her mom is coming in later. "MmmmmMILF!" Kevin blurts. "Thanks, Kevin," Pam says weakly. She THs that she generally gets the most sexual harassment on the day of sexual harassment training. You know...she's not the first person I've ever heard make that observation, weirdly. It's like there are people who treat descriptions of sexual harassment as aspirational. At any rate, Pam asks everyone to please not make dirty jokes while her mom is there. Toby loves this idea, and he suggests that a good "rule of thumb" would be, "Let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in." I love, love, love that line. Because in all honesty, that would not be a bad abbreviation of any company's sexual harassment policy; it really wouldn't. "Act like someone's mom is visiting." Everyone smiles good-naturedly, feeling for the position Toby is in, it seems. They even applaud when he thanks them for their attention. Toby is the best kind of bureaucrat: the kind who doesn't revel in it.
And then Michael enters. With a mostly nude blow-up doll under his arm. "Is it over?" he asks. Taken aback, Toby says it is, but Michael puts down his doll and insists that it isn't. Horrified looks float around the room. Michael presses the issue, asking the staff if they understand what's being lost. "Email forwards," Angela says sourly, with righteous anger. Michael is really, really appreciative that Angela pointed this out, because he wants people to know that there will be no more monkey sex videos if corporate has its way. Angela clarifies that she hates it when he sends her filthy things and tells her to send them around or have bad luck. So he's crossing dumb emails with chain letters? Heady combination. Michael tries Stanley for a possible ally, referencing Stanley's hot schoolgirl pinup that he keeps near his desk. Unfortunately, that is Stanley's daughter. Oh, Stanley's daughter. What problems you do stir up.
"What about office romance?" Meredith asks. Toby says that's "never a good idea." But if one happens, it needs to be disclosed to HR. "All relationships?" Phyllis asks. "Even a one-night stand?" When Phyllis says this, Jim is in the foreground, and he does perhaps my favorite lip-pursing eye-boggle in the history of the show, because it's one part "whaaaaat?" and one part "go Phyllis!" Michael says, apropos of nothing, that he believes in "the honor system," and that he's never slept with an employee. "And believe me, I could have." Dwight thinks that Michael means Meredith (natch), but it turns out he's referring to someone else. Someone who most likely fled the jurisdiction.
In a TH, Jim says he's actually in an office relationship himself. Do we want to meet the girl? We do? Great. He drags the blow-up doll into the frame, but he is absolutely stunned to see that she isn't wearing anything. "Oh my God, put on a shirt!" he tells her. "I'm sorry, she's European," he says to us as the blow-up doll turns toward him. She keeps trying to nuzzle his neck, and he keeps pushing her away. I think that blow-up doll hangs out on the internet.
"What if Pam was a lesbian?" Michael asks. Hard to imagine how this could go wrong. Michael proceeds to ask hypothetical questions about Pam's potential partner, and about Pam making out with her, and about everyone gossiping about it. Pam looks like she might off herself. Michael suggests that she act out this scenario with the doll, and it's safe to say that's...not happening. For a rare change of pace from her usual expression of fury, Pam's mouth actually hangs open here. I think it was the part where he threw in the doll.
"Crossing The Line: Rules For The Modern Workplace" is the name of the video that apparently must now be shown, perhaps because Michael is having trouble keeping his lesbian fantasies to himself. Michael, Darryl, and Roy are watching in the conference room, along with one or two other folks. Michael goes out into the office to invite everyone. There are no takers. Not surprising, since I think watching a sexual harassment video is what they make you do in hell. Historical note: "That's what she said" makes its first creaky appearance when Michael trots it out after both Jim's "no thanks; I'm good" and Pam's "my mother's coming." (...Eeeeew.)
And now, Dwight sits on the edge of Toby's desk. He mentions that Toby told them they could come to him with questions. Dwight has a question. He hesitates. "Where is the clitoris?" he finally asks. Toby freezes. Dwight continues in a deadly serious semi-whisper: "On a web site it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean?" Toby blinks a couple of times. "What does the female vagina look like?" Dwight finishes. Hey, say what you will about Dwight, but at least he knows what he's supposed to be looking for. In a TH, Toby points out that...well, he is in "human resources," after all. "I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly." And then we return to his discussion with Dwight, in which Toby gently says, "Maybe when you feel comfortable with each other, you can ask for that." I'm glad they didn't tell me. Toby needs to get back to work.
Sexual harassment video. It's a pitch-perfect simulation of such a video, circa 1987. Plenty of emphatic hand motions for phrases such as "crosses the line." In one scenario, a woman is asked if she's a natural redhead, and she adopts a hilarious look of shock and offense. Suddenly, Darryl demands that the tape be paused, and he jumps up in excitement and announces that he slept with that woman. The actress. In the video that looks about twenty years old. This thrills Michael, as you can imagine, because it's about sex, and it involves the warehouse guys, and it makes him feel included, and it makes him think that maybe he, too, could sleep with one of the women in a training video someday.
Jan strolls into the office, trailed by a dull-looking suited fellow. As she stands by reception, Michael emerges from the conference room, not seeing her, and announces that, as to the woman in the video, "Darryl banged her!" Jan stares. Michael senses that maybe what he has just done was not his best option.
Later, Pam hears the door open and looks up with a brief smile, thinking it might be her mom. It isn't. It's Todd Packer -- about as far from Pam's mom as you can get -- returning with Ryan. Packer tells Pam not to let "this little bitch" drive her around, because he gets lost. "I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself, but thanks," Pam replies, not looking at him. Hee. "Where's Michael Snot?" Packer asks. "Sniffin' some dude's thong?" He wanders off to look. It would be great if Michael actually were sniffing some dude's thong, because I think Packer might actually implode, and then he'd stop being.
In his office, Michael is speaking to Jan and the corporate lawyer she's toting, as Toby sits silently against the wall. Michael offers some lawyer jokes, and the lawyer says he loves those. "Well, that's probably because you don't get 'em," Michael says, bubbling with nervous hostility. In a TH, Michael says that it's not like he's responsible for the content of the forwards -- he's just forwarding! He points out that "you wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another." Good point, sir! Say, are you free week to drive a car back from Guadalajara? Back in the meeting, Michael complains about being the boss and being unable to "say anything." Jan points out that it's true that he can't say anything, in the sense that there are things he can't say. Michael says he can't understand where the line is, and Jan wants to know if he saw the video. He saw the video all right, but Toby busts him for talking through the whole thing. It is at this point that Jan looks up and sees the blow-up doll, which Michael has stashed on the top of a cabinet. I tend to think a naked blow-up doll would dominate a room enough that she wouldn't merely spot it out of the corner of her eye, but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief. I did it for Dwight asking Toby where the clitoris is.
The thing you see is Michael strolling out of his office, petulantly announcing that there will be no more sex-harassy fun times for anyone. No more being friends, no more good stuff. In fact, it's Michael's "retirement from comedy." No more impressions, no more jokes, and no more funny comments! Apparently, he does not do any comedy that is not boob-related. Jim looks up at Michael thoughtfully. "Does that include 'that's what she said'?" he asks. It does, Michael confirms. "Wow! That is really...hard," Jim says. Michael does nothing. "You really think you can go all day long?" Jim innocently continues. Michael still does nothing. "Well," Jim says pleasantly, "you always left me satisfied and smiling, so." Explosively, Michael yells out, "That's what she said!" He cackles wildly and startles poor Jan, who almost jumps clean out of her skin, the top layer of which she's probably about to shudder off anyway. Jim gives a little fist-pump as Jan drags Michael back into the office with the lawyer.
Michael now welcomes another gentleman to the meeting in his office. It turns out that this is Michael's lawyer. Perhaps they've seen his commercials on TV? Indeed, Michael's lawyer turns to the camera and earnestly says, basically, that if you've hit your head on a swingset or anything, he's your guy. (Not literally. Don't call me looking for the swingset lawyer.) Jan explains slowly to Michael that the lawyer she brought -- the company lawyer -- is Michael's lawyer. He's there to protect the company, and to work with "upper-level management, such as yourself." And right then, Michael falls in love with the corporate lawyer, because as you might have just heard, Michael is...upper-level management! Such as himself! This is enough to make wee bluebirds dance around Michael's brain. In his office, Michael leans back with his hands behind his head, finally at ease as he tells us that his "bad boy" days of "fighting corporate" tend to make him forget that he is, indeed, "upper-level management." In case you haven't heard. Back at the meeting, he gives the swingset lawyer the bum's rush, thrilled to be on the team with Jan. Part of the team! In with the group! Loved! Cared for! Included! UPPER-LEVEL MANAGEMENT!
Elsewhere: hey, Pam's mom! Pam is bubblingly excited at Mom's arrival, and she tells us in a TH that she really loves her mom. (Don't we all. Hi, Mom!) Just then, Michael appears, towing the blow-up doll, and tosses it into the hall. Doesn't fit the image of someone in upper-level management. Of course, Pam's mom does not know what to make of this. (Don't worry, Mom! When you visit, we'll have all the blow-up dolls stashed away before you get here!) And then we cut to Packer, telling another dumb joke to the captive audience of the office. We return to Pam and her mom, who are hanging around behind the reception desk. Jim shyly stands up and cruises over, figuring he'll say hi. Just as he nears the desk, though, Roy bursts through the door in his Good Boyfriend Sweater, all ready for a good session of intense sucking up. Jim glumly retreats to his desk. Of course, Pam's mom greets him warmly, and Roy plays Good Boyfriend for a few minutes before bailing out again. And when he's gone, we hear Pam's mom whisper to her, "So which one is Jim?" Jim hears it, too, and this makes him smile. He has been mentioned, in a way that has made Pam's mom think she should whisper. What does this mean? Nothing but a smile.
Packer. Telling another joke. This one involves a nymphomaniac convention. When he uses Phyllis as an example of what an ugly broad might look like, however, Michael takes exception. Afraid to alienate BFF Packer, however, Michael shoves the whole thing off on Kevin. But hey, the final answer is the same -- Michael is putting his foot down, albeit on the wrong neck. "Hostile work environment," he announces. Michael says that Phyllis is a valued part of the family -- "like a grandmother." Phyllis points out that she and Michael are the same age and even went to school together. Heh. Michael lectures about how Kevin "crossed the line" some more. He sends Kevin back to his "corner." "You mean where my desk is?" Kevin asks.
In the wake of this sort-of rescue of Phyllis, Packer gives Michael crap about how corporate "got to" him, but Michael insists in front of the staff that nobody got to him. He says he loves Phyllis. He thinks Phyllis is gorgeous. He kneels down and puts his arms around her from the side. Phyllis looks embarrassed and curious. He pulls her toward him to kiss her on the cheek, and she giggles. She tells him she's not going to report anyone, so he can stop all this. Michael says he's not worried about that. He's not worried about anything. Except one thing. You know what that one thing is? "Gettin' a boner." And he says it with such conspicuous, sing-songy kindness, you know? "Gettin' a boooooner." The same way a normal person would say, "Because you're preeeetty." Only with "boooooner."
"Good work today, everybody," Michael says. And then he says in a TH that they're really a family, and there comes a point when "Daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore." You know...even knowing he's inappropriate, that's just so inappropriate. "I am upper management," Michael says yet again. "And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to."
Cut to a Pam TH. "He said what?" A bath, Pam. He said a bath.