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Let's start off with the Nazi, huh? So the once-a-month dental services of Ed Begley Jr. arrive in Jungle Land, as his first patient is beloved oldster nicknamed Abuelito, a gringo who's been living in Jungle Land for 60 or so years, teaching the little children, see. But when Mina discovers a lesion in his mouth, which then ruptures, leading to a terminal cancer diagnosis, Abuelito lets it slip that the gold fillings in his teeth were pilfered from the Jews at Buchenwald. Nazi! Mina, emotionless little minx that she is, immediately wants to grill his ass, while Dr. Clark, who knows the old coot, tries in vain to push compassion. Mina and Cole ultimately call in the U.S. feds, but the night before he's to be retrieved, Abuelito begins to hemorrhage. Rather than letting him die, Mina's determined to keep him alive long enough to face judgment. Because she's Jewish? No, because she's a dick! It's why she's the one character I like. Of course, her heart ends up growing three sizes or whatever, and after she helps Herr Abuelito make it through his first night with a trachea tube, she ends up soft-pedalling the whole Nazi thing to the children who come to see Abuelito off.
Meanwhile, Lily joins Dr. Ben and Charlie on a day trip to San Miguel to pick up their mail, which includes crucial antibiotics for Lily's patient with a severe leg infection. Lily learns how to talk tough with the local corrupt bureaucracy, and she also learns that Dr. Ben's wife is alive! And in a vegetative state! (Though possibly not for long, because we never see her face, leaving room for casting a recurring guest star later on.) Turns out, Ben's keeping her alive and married to him in order to plumb her trust fund in order to finance the Clinic. This is all supposed to give him a layer of moral corruption underneath all that dreamboat, but the fact that he's so upfront about this to Lily only makes him seem like more of a hero.
Elsewhere, Plastics learns that his macho hottie patient with a priaptic wang is also the boyfriend of that bartendress he was flirting with last week. He's all conflicted about it, but also really sweet. And Dr. Cole ends up having his impacted wisdom tooth operated on without anesthesia because he's a drug addict and he can't take narcotics. I was wondering when we'd uncover our secret addict.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously, M. Giant did me a solid by pinch-hitting for me while Mina learned the lesson of pretending to be interested in the locals' stupid romantic pursuits, while Plastics was cruelly thwarted in his attempts to take his shirt off. Well not this week! We open with Los Gringos standing on the dock, waiting for a delivery of some sort, and Plastics has his shirt unbuttoned. Winning hearts and minds, that's what Off the Map is about this week. They look out to the river and see a sad little raft making its way over with one piece of cargo: a dentist's chair. Mina automatically sees this as a sinister omen. A dentist's chair with no dentist on the island means they're going to be the ones on the hook for teeth cleanings and holding kids' hands while they get cavities filled. I expect you know Mina's feelings on hand-holding. Lily's more concerned with how they're going to haul the chair back to the clinic, but that's when Charlie shows up driving the pickup truck. He can barely see over the wheel, but Lily shouts to Charlie that he's a hero. Charlie trots out to the deck, beaming that his unrequited lady love just called him a hero, and asides to Plastics, "See, hermano. A woman always wants to be rescued." So we're starting early, then, show? Have it your way.
Zee and Cole are walking through the jungle, and Cole is feeling the kind of convenient tooth pain that usually comes when a TV script finds it necessary. Zee says she's made an appointment for him to get this wisdom-tooth issue dealt with, as he's been enduring it for a year. Cole begs off, talking about his patient-load, but clearly he's just a wussy-baby about going to the dentist. He changes the subject by macking on Zee -- not a bad strategy -- but they're interrupted by the sounds of Dr. Clark hacking her machete into some nearby greenery. (Uh... not a euphemism?) Cole leaves Zee to deal with the Lady Problems, but it's not like this is a particularly tough nut to crack -- Clark's taking out her Dr. Ben frustrations on the underbrush. In between thrashings, insists that she can't be mad at Ben, because he was upfront at the beginning; she can't be mad at Ben's wife, because she "doesn't exist anymore"; and she can't even be mad at herself because every time she tries to leave, Ben wears this amazing shirt that makes his eyes pop. So she's mad at the jungle instead. Can't fault that logic. Clark says Zee and Cole have the right idea -- "No strings. Friends with benefits." Zee says their relationship is a little more than that, but when Clark presses for what that might be, Zee can't come up with a term. Clark suggests Zee find out soon, lest someone get hurt.
Mina, true to her fears, did end up on dental duty, and it's probably worse than she'd feared since she's playing hygienist to the real dentist, played by Ed Begley Jr. He pulls some kid's tooth while he yammers pleasantly enough about how his fourth marriage ended and inspired him to move to paradise and party with the locals. His patient is your prototypical Kindly Old Man. A gringo, but clearly this man has been a part of the community for a long time -- indeed, he's spent 64 years teaching the school children around here. Abuelito, as he's called, walks up literally surrounded by adoring kids, so if you've ever seen a movie or TV show before, you know something's up with him. Abuelito makes a show of going first, so the other kids aren't scared. Mina takes a look in his mouth and is impressed with his gold fillings -- obviously you don't see those much anymore. But she also spots a lesion on his soft palate, and when Dr. Ed Begley Jr. goes to probe it, it ruptures and starts hemorrhaging like a motherfucker. Mina immediately springs into action, calling for suction and yelling out for someone in the clinic to prepare the ER.
After the title card, we're with Lily and a patient who's come in for a checkup on a leg infection. But this lady pretty much just wants to gossip about what a hottie Dr. Ben is. Lily doesn't appear to see how weird it is that she's become this expert on Dr. Ben's love life -- what with the dead wife and all. She also doesn't seem to notice how blushy she gets when she starts talking about how Dr. Ben is so brave for not only persevering but now he's "saving the world" here at the clinic. To be honest, I'm amazed Lily can see anything with that lock of hair hanging stylishly over her eye like it is. She does manage to notice that her patient's leg is awfully red, and when she pulls off the bandage to have a look, the infection has obviously gotten worse.
Elsewhere, Mina has gotten Abuelito's bleeding under control. She's taking a quick biopsy of one of the lesions, though, and considering the hospital gown he's wearing, it doesn't look like he'll be going anywhere anytime soon. He's also got a gaggle of little kids outside his room clamoring for news on their beloved Abuelito, and while Mina shuts the blinds on them, she's sweet as she remarks to Abuelito about his fan base. She asks if he was a teacher back home too, and he says back in Budapest he wanted to, but he never got the chance due to "stupid mistakes" he made in his youth. He remarks that he thinks he's got cancer, to which Mina smirks that it doesn't matter what he thinks, since she's the one with the medical degree. He smiles and says she's a sassy blonde, just like his wife.
Elsewhere, Lily seeks out Dr. Ben for a consult on leg infection lady, but instead she happens upon him macking on Dr. Clark and is freaked out. She heads to the pharmacy, where she tells Plastics, almost as an afterthought, that "Keeton's with Ryan." Okay, Lily, I see that the whole first name/last name thing is going to be an issue on this show, but maybe YOU could at least keep it consistent. Anyway, she also needs antibiotics for the staph infection that her patient clearly has. But Plastics is understandably hung up on the "Keeton's with Ryan" stuff. Mostly because it's such a bummer that Dr. Clark is off the market, though he acknowledges to a clenched Lily that he's not really good at the girl talk thing. He's saved from any more girl talk when Dr. Ben swings by, so Plastics bolts. After a moment or two of pointed silence, Lily explains that she's looking for medicine to give to Mrs. Ruiz. Rather than being, I don't know, concerned that his patient has developed a staph infection (an infection that, pardon my medical ignorance, is kind of wildly contagious, right? That'd be a pretty huge concern in a clinic like this, which can't exactly keep patients isolated all that effectively), Ben just keeps an eye on his clipboard and tells Lily that the medicine must be hung up in customs and she'll have to go to San Miguel to pick it up. He tells her he was already planning to see some patients out there on Friday; they'll go today instead. On a four-hour ride through the jungle. With Charlie there to translate. Sounds like hell.
Mina's examining the lesion sample with a microscope, and obviously it's not great news. She asks Dr. Clark what they do at the clinic for terminal patients, and Clark explains that they usually just send the patient home with pain meds, as there aren't really resources for hospice care. Mina elaborates that her patient has oral cancer, and it's progressed past the point of treatment. She looks sincere in her wish to do right by this patient, particularly given how beloved he is by all those children. Clark, knowing what she knows about Mina's bedside manner, gets the hint, and we cut to Clark breaking the news to Abuelito gently, while Mina watches, chiming in about how they don't recommend chemo in cases like his. Abuelito takes it pretty well, opting for a philosophical take and remarking that he's lived a long life. He has one request: that they take his gold fillings out of his mouth, and his gold jewelry too. "It's not mine," he says. Mina's sharp little face perks to that immediately, and she's like, "Took it from who?" Clark says he's just loopy from the morphine, but considering how quick Clark was to leap on an excuse, I wonder if she's not thinking the exact same things as Mina -- whose mind is processing the implications so fast I'm surprised you don't hear a cooling fan turn on in her head. "I took it ... from them," Abuelito goes on. "I did bad things." Clark tries to get Mina to leave him alone, but she's on the damn case now. She works back his story about coming here from Hungary 64 years ago. She can count backwards just fine. Abuelito, who really is looped, starts talking about Mina's resemblance to his late wife, while Mina keeps peppering him for his real name. He finally tells her: "Ich bin Karl Gustav Wolf," Abuelito says, followed by some German, of which all I can pick out is "SS." Given Mina's foreign language skills, I'm guessing that's all she can pick out too, but it's enough. She turns to Clark as the music kicks up: "He's a Nazi." Well NOW we're getting somewhere!
Lily, Charlie, and Dr. Ben prepare to embark for San Miguel, with Dr. Ben doing a whole lot of mansplaining about how it's such a rough-and-tumble city and how the post office there is notorious for demanding bribes. "Bribes keep our economy going," Charlie says. "Bribes and bananas." Well, it took four episodes, but Charlie finally got a funny line. Ben insists that it's policy never to offer bribes, lest the corrupt city officials think they can get away with it. Lily says that will be no problem for her, since she's such an obey-the-rules gal anyway. She then somehow uses that to segue into asking Dr. Ben about his relationship with Clark. He's taken aback, so she apologizes for prying, but he finally says it's no secret. They've been on and off for a year, fighting and making up and such. Charlie chimes in that they make up a lot. Loudly and in different locations. Gross, Charlie. Back to making banana-based jokes. "It's complicated," Lily volunteers on Ben's behalf. "Such is love," Charlie says pointedly to Lily. Oh, right, he's in love with her. Lily grasps the awkwardness, then, of a four-hour ride in the cab of a truck flanked by the hot, unavailable doctor you're crushing on and the minor who's got a boner for you.
Mina and Clark have found Dr. Cole and are updating him on the whole Nazi situation. Their views on the subject are pretty well clarified as Mina runs down Karl Gustav Wolf's case like a Nuremberg prosecutor, while Clark tries to remind Cole that they know him, they knew his wife, he joined the SS at age 16, before he knew what it was all about. Hey, if that argument's good enough for the Pope... Cole is pointedly silent, gobsmacked by the revelation. Mina wants the government involved, and Cole agrees, telling her to call such-and-such naval base. He stomps off, grumbling that Dr. Ben leaves for one afternoon and they suddenly find the last Nazi in South America.
Plastics is managing the walk-ins when a rude (but hot) 20-something dude comes barreling past the front of the line and into the exam room. Plastics tries to tell him all about lines and the social contract and whatnot, but the guy instead commands that he shut the doors before he finally reveals his ailment: the faintest hint of a fine-ass booty. No, sorry, he does reveal that, but the rear angle is only there to disguise his real ailment: an untamable six-hour boner. Tangent: "The Untamable Six-Hour Boner" would be a great title for an off-off Broadway play, don't you think? (Conversely, "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" is a great nickname for your penis.)
So anyway, the toot-toot-toot island flute music means it's times for Plastics and the Comic Relief. He calls in Zee for an assist, since he can't find any cause for the priapism. Boner Jerk makes a big deal about how he doesn't want any nurses, and how he doesn't want anyone, nurse or not, touching his swollen member. Plastics is like, "Nobody wants to, dude," while Zee gives him an en español dressing-down, closing with "I'm not a nurse." She's also the one who figures out that the priapism is being caused by a bite on his arm from a banana spider. Plastics asks if they call it a "banana" spider because of what it does to the...you know. She's like, "because they hide in bananas." Plastics is all, "Totally what I meant." I know he's the thattiest of That Guys, but Zach Gilford is just so adorable, I kind of love Plastics. He explains to Boner Jerk that they're going to give him anti-venom and also something that will alleviate the pressure in his wang. And hopefully that works, because if not, he's open to stuff like impaired future erectile function or gangrene. Boner Jerk wails as Plastics stresses that these are worst-case scenarios. Boner Jerk yells at the two "idiotas" to start in the treatment immediately. Plastics and Zee make their exit, Plastics observing that their patient is a "douche." Si," Zee snarks, "it crosses cultures." Wah wah.
After the break, Plastics comes upon Alma, the pretty bartender he was flirting with last week. He doesn't seem to register her worried expression, instead he nervously babbles about how they exchanged "holas." Then she starts unloading a whole bunch of Spanish he's not ready for, though she finally says "Elan," which is Boner Jerk's name, of course. Plastics recognizes that, figures out that Alma's checking in on him, and starts leading her back to his room. Now, Plastics is already being kind of naïve about why this pretty girl is here to see this hot guy in the hospital, and that's before he totally blanks when she says Elan is her "novio." Okay, we're not beyond incredulousness that none of these doctors picked up a phrase book before heading to South America. I want to know what language they took in high school. "Novio" is SO BASIC! Jeez. Anyway, Plastics gets it when he and Alma get to Elan's room and she runs up to hug and kiss him and his big, painful boner.
San Miguel. Doesn't look so scary. Dr. Ben says he's going to the hospital, he'll meet them back at the truck at 5. That's in five hours, at which point Lily confidently boasts that she and Charlie will be having tequila shots by then. Dr. Ben blinks at her, then deadpans, "Don't give him alcohol." thing we know, Lily's in a line at the post office, but when she gets to the window, the surly lady tells her that they can't sign off on the medicine until Lily gets her form stamped by the department of health. Cut to Lily, back with the department of health stamp, only to learn she now needs an immigration stamp. Lather, rinse, repeat, only now she needs a stamp from customs. Bureaucracy, hey! So now, a decidedly more haggard Lily winds down to the customs official, who looks at her stone-faced as she makes a plea on behalf of her very sick patient, only to shut the window on her. "They're closed," Charlie explains. "Siesta." Oh, Latin America! Charlie asks Lily if she's ever heard of "The Mean Streets of San Miguel." It is apparently a very popular song.
Back at La Clinica, Mina comes to find Dr. Cole staring at the foot of a sleeping Abuelito's bed. She asks Cole if he knew him well, and Cole tells a quick story about Abuelito bringing one of his students to him. The kid was in anaphylactic shock, and Abuelito carried him the whole way to the clinic, saving his life. So no, Cole says, his slight smile disappearing, "I didn't know him at all." Mina asks what's going to happen, and Cole says they're sending a MedEvac for him tomorrow. "So he'll go on trial?" Mina asks. "In theory," Cole says. In practice, between the compromised airway and the anemia, he doubts Abuelito will make it through the night.
Back to Plastics and His Terrible No-Good Very Bad Boner Patient. Alma is peppering Elan with questions, because it seems Elan refuses to tell her what's wrong with him. Because it's humiliating when your wiener won't work right. She keeps asking, and he keeps yelling at her to shut up. Plastics, as you can imagine, isn't happy to see the girl he's crushing on tied to such a crappy boyfriend. When Elan finally yells at Alma to leave, Plastics affixes him with a judgy, "Dude..." Elan tells him to mind his own business. Outside, on the walkway, Plastics catches up with Mina and starts motormouthing about how "novio" means "Alma's jackass boyfriend," and how it's killing him to see her with this "d-bag with a giant penis," though the "giant" part is only because of the spider bite, and I say now who's being naïve, Plastics? Now who's being naïve? Mina's barely paying attention, of course, and when Plastics asks why, she says, "My patient is literally a Nazi," at which point Plastics is like, "Godwin's Law! You win! AND LOSE!"
Mina's Nazi bomb is interrupted by Abuelito's monitors going off. His stitches have come open, and Mina and a nurse scramble to get his head elevated. Clark soon joins them, and Mina tells her she's prepping for an emergency ... sounds like "trach"? Tracheotomy? Abuelito is croaking to just let him die, and Clark's like, "Dude, he's refusing treatment, WTF?" She says they should just give him morphine and let him go peacefully, but Mina is adamant, and it's pretty apparent why. She wants him to live long enough to see judgment. Clark says that's not her decision to make, blah, blah, blah: Stand-off! Mina says she can do this herself, and she and the nurse wheel Abuelito away to the OR, leaving Dr. Clark to love Nazis some more.
Plastics greets Alma with an "hola," which certainly is a start, language-wise. But he then proceeds to ramble on in English about things like doctor-patient confidentiality and why he can't tell her about Elan's ailment. He does close with "lo siento," which I guess brings the point home to her. Alma takes Plastics' hand at this, which is enough for him to start on again in English about how he can treat Elan medically, but he can't make him treat her the way she deserves to be treated, puppy love, et cetera. Zee happens upon this and is having none of it. She calls Plastics aside and -- after he leaves Alma with the sentiment that it "doesn't have to be me, but it shouldn't be him" -- she proceeds to disabuse him of the notion that Alma is a poor little native girl who needs saving from her terrible South American boyfriend. She tends bar at the cantina because her parents own it, so there goes his patriarchal fantasy. In fairness, I'm not sure Plastics has thought too far beyond how cute Alma is, at this point. "South American blow-up dolls don't exist," she sums up, slamming her chart into his chest. They ... probably do. I mean, law of averages and all.
Dr. Clark has gone and summoned Dr. Cole, and they both bust into Mina's OR -- holding masks on their faces but obviously not scrubbed in. Clark and Mina proceed to argue their cases in front of Judge Otis; Mina stresses that she's following basic medical procedure, which is true, but Clark's just as right when she says Mina's trying to punish Herr Abuelito for what he's done. "He doesn't get to die today when they're coming for him tomorrow!" Mina snaps. Clark and Cole both look at Mina all "A-HA!" but Mina goes on to say that he's been hiding out in paradise for 60 years. One more day and he gets the judgment he deserves. Clark says he won't live long enough to see trial, but Mina says people will at least see his face. And the families of the victims will know he didn't get away with it. Clark appeals to Cole one last time, but like before, he sides with Mina. "Try not to enjoy it so much," Clark huffs as she stomps off. (I sound pretty harsh on Clark, but in truth she's just as right as Mina is. Only Mina's way we get more Nazi intrigue, and this show could use it.)
Back in San Miguel, Lily's at her wit's end about the customs situation, so she's at the hospital, looking for Dr. Ben. She finds him at the bedside of a comatose woman who, it turns out, is the wife we'd all assumed was dead. Clever blocking means we never get a look at her face, which, as I mentioned in the recaplet, certainly makes it seem like the show is at least holding on to the possibility of reviving her at some point and having her show up like the ghost of Addison Montgomery. Not that this show is in any way similar to Grey's Anatomy. Anyway, Lily is so shocked that she hurtles us right into a commercial break.
When we return, Dr. Ben agitatedly (though not exactly angrily) gives Lily the lowdown on Unnamed Wife: she was shot in robbery five years ago and has been in a "minimally conscious state" ever since. Lily asks if Ryan knows, which doesn't seem entirely unreasonable given the secrecy surrounding today's excursion, but Ben says he's not that big of an ass. Lily leaps to his defense immediately, saying he's certainly not an ass but actually rather incredible for soldiering on the way he has. Ben shuts down the hero worship immediately with this bucket of cold water: he's kept her hooked up to machines for the last five years so he could continue to use her trust fund to bankroll the clinic. So there's that. He's no hero, he tells Lily; it's more complicated than that. He tells her to take the truck back to the Clinic; he'll stay the night.
La Clinica. Zee and Plastics are explaining to Elan that the medication didn't do anything to alleviate his priapism (something tells me Elan noticed). So the step is sticking a needle in and draining it. Elan refuses, until they tell him he could become impotent. That's kind of a Godwin's Law in its own right. Zee can't promise that it won't hurt like a motherfucker, but it will also solve his problem. Elan counters that his real problem will be his humiliation after he leaves. ...Wait, even though he's refusing to tell even his girlfriend about it? Is the Clinica rumor mill that strong? Anyway, partially as a way to distract Elan and partially as a way to get him to treat Alma better, Plastics starts telling Elan a story about how being vulnerable actually helps you with the chicks. Case in point: how he lost his virginity as a college freshman to some upper class chick who dug it when he finally dropped his bravado. Yeah, something tells me that strategic dropping of bravado has worked really well for Plastics over the years. Anyway, his story ends triumphantly, with him doing it with the girl 'til the sun came up. Elan: "Verdad?" Plastics: "Si, Si, si, si." So cute. Anyway, even Zee is impressed by Plastics right here. Even when he flat-out tells Elan that he's "got a good girl out there; don't throw that away."
Mina and Cole are in surgery with Abuelito. She notices him rubbing his jaw, and when he says it's an impacted wisdom tooth, she tells him he should see the dentist. He's all, "Yeah, no shit" but clearly he doesn't want to talk about it. She then thanks him for sticking up for her with Clark; Cole says it's his Navy training. "You treat every man in the field," he says. "Soldiers, hostiles ... what happens to them after is out of your hands." He finishes up his portion of the surgery, but before he leaves he turns to ask Mina who she lost, in either World War II or the Holocaust. A grandparent? Someone who fought overseas? She's silent, but Cole says she's got her reasons, whatever they are. They don't need to be good enough for him, or for Clark. Just good enough for her. Mina looks thoughtful, or perhaps ... guilty? ...Maybe SHE'S a Nazi!
Sam Miguel. Charlie comes running up to Lily with the happy news that siesta is almost over. She tells him Dr. Ben has enough to worry about right now, so they won't be bothering him. They'll have to rescue themselves. Which means we cut to Lily in the darkened tunnel where apparently the customs office is located. There are sinister mariachi guitars on the soundtrack and she's talking tough. It's basically a scene from The Good, the Bad, and the Terrifically Nervous. Lily tells the customs agent she'll give him 50, but he demands 200, and he keeps half the Vicodin. To this, Lily bares her teeth and does her best to sound scary when she says it'll be 50, for ALL the medicine, and if he doesn't, he better pray he never gets sick anywhere near her, because it'll be at least 200 before she so much as takes his blood pressure. Charlie translates, also trying to sound tough. The two of them together are like kittens in a bag, so this is kind of funny. Apparently tough talk from pale-faced gringas is good enough for the customs agent, who hands the box over. It's also good enough for Charlie, who lets out a smitten sigh.
Back to Mina, who is presiding over Abuelito, post-surgery. He's not able to speak when he wakes up, and he immediately moves to remove his trach tube. She's there to stop him, not out of malice or vengeance, but out of proper care. She's trying to ease him through the initial discomfort and panic of having a tube in his throat. But yes, when he makes a pointed move to take the tube out, knowing it'll mean his death by suffocation, she tells him she can't let him do that. She then admits to him that she didn't lose anyone in WWII, nor is she Jewish, which is a twist I liked. This isn't some personal crusade, this is Mina's own sense of justice, unwavering. Too often on Shonda's shows everybody's motivation for every little thing is so often chalked up to their own personal traumas that ... oh, wait, instead of chalking this up to the Holocaust, she's chalking it up to the kid she killed. Damn it. Basically: she can't let Herr Abuelito get off easy because she had a chance to get off easy for killing the kid, via family connections and an offer of a clean slate. She refused and came to the jungle, instead, to atone. Someone like Dr. Clark might argue Abuelito did the same thing, dedicating his life to children and education and all, but Mina's point seems to be that she's facing what she did, not hiding from it. Abuelito once more grabs for his throat, and Mina tells him, intensely but empathetically, "It's better if you just try to relax." Aw. I think that Nazi and that unpleasant woman are gonna be allllll right.
Later, Plastics looks on sadly as Alma and a for-no-real-reason-but-who-am-I-to-question shirtless Elan are being all pleasantly chatty in his recovery room. He waits around to talk to her when she leaves, and through their language barrier she manages to inquire about Elan's ... well, she points to Plastics' general crotch area, and he gets the message. "Muy bien!" he assures her. Elan's going to be muy bien. And with an exhale of relief, Alma begins to laugh. Plastics thinks she's crying to first, but eventually they're both laughing their ass off at poor Elan and his broken penis. Then? The worst thing happens. She moves in to kiss him on the cheek, only Plastics turns his head just slightly enough that she has to, like, detour around his mouth to plant a one on the side of his face. On one level, yeah, Plastics done misread the situation. On another level, if this is how Alma negotiates the choppy waters of attraction and romance, it's no wonder Elan wound up with a broken wiener.
Lily's apparently made it back from San Miguel and is now bellies up to the bar at the cantina. She's finding her wallet wanting, at the moment, and while she's trying to charade her way through "running tab," a handsome stranger steps up to pay for her drink. His name is Mateo, and he's played by Nicholas Gonzalez, the miniature-sized hottie of my dreams and my beloved Yard Guy from The O.C.. She recaps her day for him -- the parts that don't include Dr. Ben's undead wife, anyway -- and she tosses in the loose-end-tying nugget that her staph patient will probably not lose her leg now. Mateo is impressed and likely smitten and offers to buy Lily another beer so they can keep talking. Oh, Mateo, you are likely just a stumbling block on the inevitable road to "Bily," but I am rooting for you.
The morning, Dr. Ben returns, and while he's not happy when Lily tells him about bribing the customs guy, she manages to make a decent case for how she did what she had to do for her patient and for the clinic. Just like him. The fact that she's not so much as looking in Ben's direction, much less staring dreamily into his eyes, tells you that she's definitely been rocked by this week's revelations. But she still clearly gets a thrill when he remarks that she's learning to survive out here. "Welcome to the jungle, right?" she half-sarcastically offers. "That's my line," he says. Oh, we KNOW.
Cole and Clark are leading the team that's wheeling Herr Abuelito to the army chopper, with Mina trailing not far behind. The village children, like a pack of unsupervised little monsters, bound out of the jungle asking (adorably) if Abuelito is okay and when he's coming back. Clark snottily relays this to Mina, all "Tell them, I'll translate." As if Clark wouldn't have been faced with a similarly terrifying prospect in explaining to them that Abuelito had died. Mina, because she's at least part human, lies and says that Abuelito has a tooth infection, and they're taking him away to fix it, and he'll be back soon. I am somehow reminded of when the Grinch told that little Who girl that he was taking her Christmas tree away so he could fix a light bulb on it, but regardless, good for Mina! Her heart grew .0003 sizes that day!
Cole returns to Zee and her garden, clutching at his jaw more than ever. They banter a bit about what a baby he is, causing Zee to get sentimental and ask, "What are we doing?" "We're friends," Cole smirks. "Who are...having sex." Zee covers pretty well, saying that's what she thought too. She makes one more command for him to see that dentist before he leaves. Then she wanders off to find Clark once again making that underbrush pay with her machete. Clark sees Zee's stricken face and asks what happened, but there's no answer. There's just Zee taking the machete and getting her frustrations out. So much better than talking about it like an adult!
Mina and Dr. Ed Begley Jr. stand at the end of the dock, to the dentist chair, waiting for his boat to arrive. He's busy making the dead-end case for her to become a dental hygienist when Cole comes bounding down the dock, asking for last-minute dental work. Dr. Ed Begley Jr., hilariously, is all, "No problem! Let's dig out that impacted wisdom tooth right here on the dock!" I'm sorry ... no. We're so close to the finish line, I can't even begin to talk about the implausibility of this. Suffice it to say, yes, I do find it stretches credibility some that anyone would conduct a major dental procedure anywhere outside a medical facility -- much less perched out on a dock -- if they didn't have to. Call me crazy. But anyway, that's not even the craziest part. The craziest part is when Cole refuses the morphine and makes Dr. Ed perform the surgery -- bone-digging, root-yanking, tooth-scraping surgery -- with only a topical Novocain. It's, frankly, insane, even when Mina susses out that it's because Cole is a recovering addict and he doesn't want the morphine to trigger him. I know TV shows go to this well a lot, and it's always supposed to make the painkiller-refuser seem strong and dedicated and whatnot, but it always comes across to me as cheap drama, and I never understand why the doctors aren't like "Tough titty, you're getting it." Having the willpower to take only the professionally-administered dose of painkillers and nothing more has got to be fucking HARD. But so is letting a man dig into your jawbone while you can feel it. How is one brave and the other less brave?
ANYWAY, Mina thinks Cole is being awesomely brave, and she takes his hand to help him grit through the insane pain. Aw, damn it! We're in Shondaland. Please, please, please, please, please let these two just have a professional relationship with each other. I know she's the Cristina and he's the Burke and you've got a chance to do that whole thing over again without anyone calling anyone else a faggot, but ... please don't. Professionals! Colleagues! Mentor/student! These relationships can be interesting without romance! I promise! Ugh.