Hey, this episode is pretty good! First, we have Marissa finally being called out on her feelings for Johnny, with Ryan telling her that he doesn't want to see her until she makes up her mind. And it's Kaitlin, of all people, who gets Ryan to do it! And then she tells Marissa to get over herself already and just make a freaking decision about Ryan or Johnny. Go Kaitlin! She also tells Johnny to figure out what he's going to do about his feelings for Marissa, which doesn't end up working out too well. But more on that later. Meanwhile, Sandy has to make a decision, too, as his smarmy little protégé wants to use his manly wiles to make their hospital project go through. But Sandy wants to be honest and good and right! And it's not like Kirsten's giving him any meaningful advice. Julie forces Dr. Neil's hand by setting him up with one of her dating company's clients and then sulking when Dr. Neil's date goes unexpectedly well. Fortunately for her, Dr. Neil has a taste for wine coolers and Hot Pockets and winds up at Julie's door. Seth's interview-ducking is found out when the Harbor guidance counselor, apparently desperate for some screen time, tells Summer everything. Seth's growing pot addiction is revealed soon after when he gets stoned and a suspicious Summer searches his room and finds his supply. Meanwhile, Marissa writes Johnny a Dear John(ny) letter that sends him on a tequila/bonfire/rock-climbing bender. Marissa and Ryan are in the middle of making up and making out when Kaitlin calls, frantically begging them to come and rescue Johnny and make everything better again. But when they get there, Johnny's just a little bit too close to the cliff's edge to be saved. He falls and it looks like he'll out of our lives forever. Which I'm just a little bit sad about, because I almost liked him in this episode with his angry drunken railing against Marissa.
Ryan is rudely awakened by Sandy, who worriedly reports that Seth has disappeared. Usually, it's Seth who's being told that Ryan is gone, so this is quite the change-up. You have to wonder how long Seth was gone before Sandy "Wait, I Have Kids?" Cohen noticed. Seth could be anywhere by now! Ryan -- a quick thinker even before his morning black coffee -- is able to cover for Seth and tell Sandy that he probably just went to school early to do some last-minute studying. Although, given how early these kids already get up before school so that they can have their usual breakfast at the diner and run other assorted errands around town, it must be, like, 3 in the morning. Or maybe that's not the sun coming up we see through Ryan's window -- it's the sun going down. Last week. Sandy suspects that Ryan isn't telling him the truth, because someone who sleeps in what appear to be street clothes like Ryan does should never be trusted.
Ryan finds Seth on the pier, contemplating life. He asks Seth to tell him what's wrong, and Seth says that Ryan isn't the only person in his family who's allowed to brood. Unlike Ryan, though, Seth immediately lets loose with all his recent problems: he skipped the Brown interview and lied to Summer about it. He insists that he does not have a problem with pot, since that would be too much of an "after-school special." Yes, it would be. And yet, here we are. Because Ryan knows that Seth is at the pier for reasons besides watching the sun rise and/or set, and that is to buy some more weed. No, Seth! Not at the pier! Everyone knows it's lousy with undercover cops (except for the times when Kaitlin is openly smoking pot).
We get an exterior shot of the trailer park, which still looks like it was just hit by a tornado, what with the leaves scattered all over the ground and the electrical pole splayed across the sidewalk. I know this trailer park is supposed to be for poor people, despite its proximity to the ocean and Newport's finest mansions, but you'd think that someone from the Department of Light and Power would have stopped by to fix that power line. Maybe they're waiting for May sweeps to do it. Also, I really don't think it's fair that the power line has now gotten more screen time than Gus, unless we get to see Marissa accidentally stepping on it and electrocuting herself. Inside the trailer, Kaitlin is looking through the thirteen thousand bathing suits she brought home from school, apparently anticipating spending her winter break somewhere a lot warmer and wetter. Instead, she gets to use them for a morning surfing lesson with Johnny. Marissa pretends not to care, but when Kaitlin presses her about fifteen times, she can't admit that she has no feelings for Johnny.
Hey! Kirsten and Julie are actually pretending to have jobs! Well, Kirsten is -- Julie is too wrapped up in her latest relationship failure to concentrate on the business Kirsten financed just to help her out. Then again, maybe Kirsten shouldn't start her workday at, like, 5 in the morning if she wants her co-worker to be attentive. Because she has no other purpose on this show, Kirsten lends a sympathetic ear to Julie's problems and then offers some advice, finally coming up with a real brainstorm: Julie should get Dr. Neil to sign up for their stupid dating service. "Are you high?" Julie wonders, becoming the second person in as many episodes to say this line. And yet, it's the people who write that line and the rest of the show who should be asking themselves this question, not the characters. Kirsten defends her idea, saying it'll give Julie an excuse to be around Dr. Neil, and also trick him into thinking that Julie isn't interested in him, since she'll be setting him up with other people. This will then make Dr. Neil more interested in Julie. Julie thinks this is a brilliant idea, even though there are so many, many ways it could go wrong. Like that Dr. Neil could like one of the women he gets set up with and forget all about Julie. But Kirsten is sure that once Dr. Neil has had a taste of the vapid, Botoxed women Newport has to offer, he'll gladly run into Julie's arms -- which, by the way, are just as vapid and Botoxed. Apparently, everyone has forgotten how the last time they set up Dr. Neil with a non-Julie woman, he ended up really liking her. Julie praises Kirsten's unexpected display of sneakiness. Kirsten says she's been this sneaky all along, but just never got the airtime to show it off. And this episode will be no different. Bye, Kirsten!
At school, Seth finds Summer sitting on a bench, composing a thank-you note to her Brown interviewer. She's using a thesaurus for it, even though she just said in the last episode that she was going to be herself for this admissions process and not pretend to be smarter than she actually is. She finally gets around to asking Seth how his interview went, and he vaguely says it went well. Unfortunately, he gives his life away when he refers to the interviewer, named "Shelly," as a female, when he really was a man with a girl's name. Yes, I know Shelly can be short for such masculine names as "Sheldon," but if you're going to go by "Shelly" instead of "Sheldon" or just "Shel," then you have a girl's name. As soon as Seth sees Summer's eyes narrow in angry suspicion, he runs away.
Ryan hands Marissa a super-giant cup of coffee. He has its twin, saying that he needed some caffeine after being awakened so early this morning. Now they can both do a super-giantly bad job of acting like the empty prop cup is full of hot liquid, hooray! Ryan tells Marissa all about Seth and his problems, which seems to me like a violation of Seth's trust. He thinks Seth should tell Summer about everything except the pot. Marissa disagrees; she thinks Summer should talk about the pot and who supplied it, since it will mean that Summer will bitch-slap Kaitlin and entertain everyone. Now, Marissa whines, Kaitlin will get away with it again. Well then, Marissa, why don't you just bitch-slap her yourself or tell on her to your mother? It's pointless to complain if you aren't willing to do something about it. Oh, and way to make this all about you. Can't we have just ONE storyline that Marissa's doesn't destroy with her presence? And the NewNewport Group one doesn't count because it's boring. Ryan senses Marissa's bitterness toward her sister is about more than just Seth, but she denies it.
Kaitlin is not enjoying her surf lesson. There's too much "surf lesson" and not enough "underaged sex" for her tastes. Also, she suspects that Johnny is distracted by thoughts of Marissa. "Story of my life," she complains. If this whole episode going to consist of the Cooper women bitching and moaning, then I'M going to be the one who throws herself off a cliff. Johnny just says that his situation with Marissa is "complicated," but that there's nothing he can do to change it. Kaitlin says that if that's the case, then she'll just find someone who will. Don't bother talking to the writers, Kaitlin: they're the ones who've made this stupid "Johnny and Marissa have feelings for each other" storyline drag on for the last eight episodes in the first place.
We go to the NewNewport Group, which means it's time to fall asleep. For those who managed to stay awake and care about any of this, Matt prepares Sandy for their upcoming hospital presentation. You see, even though they won the Holodoc over last week, they still have to get the physicians' approval. Sandy makes it clear that this will be accomplished without the use of alcohol or strippers. The physicians are going to be very disappointed. Instead, Sandy wants to find a way to get through to the doctors how important this hospital will be to all those uninsured churro vendors. Matt brags that he has an in with the board of physicians: he knows the head of the board's daughter. "She's a stripper too?!" Sandy asks. I love how Sandy just assumes that Matt's only friends are strippers. Because it's totally true. Except in this case, as it turns out that Matt and the daughter went to college together. Matt notes that she always had a crush on him that he was apparently too cool to take her up on at the time. Maybe he could now, though. Sandy absolutely doesn't want to do business that way, and says so. He seems to think that this will be the first time Matt actually follows Sandy's orders. Keep the dream alive, Sandy. Meanwhile, I just had a dream about the color beige that was more interesting that that scene.
Dr. Neil is spending a quiet day at home reading a medical text with a self-satisfied grin that makes me think that he's looking at pictures of women with huge fake boobs for "research" purposes. His Playboy subscription is tax-deductible. The housekeeper lets Julie in for yet another unannounced visit. Julie politely thanks Dr. Neil for hosting Kaitlin's crappy party and has a present for him: a bunch of eligible Newport women for him to date. Dr. Neil's just a little too eager to accept the gift. He looks through the album and is quite pleased with his choices, despite Julie's transparent attempts to point out each one's flaws.
Kaitlin is waiting in the poolhouse when Ryan gets home from school. You'd think a guy who originally came from such a rough neighborhood would be a little bit more concerned about personal security and would at least lock his doors, but not Ryan. He just leaves them wide open all day and night long. Ryan's not thrilled to see Kaitlin, and asks her when she's going back to school, in a tone that suggests that he's looking forward to the day. "As soon as my guest star contract runs out," Kaitlin explains, and then gets to the reason she stopped by: Marissa. Well, of course. Kaitlin wants Johnny, but Johnny wants Marissa and seems to think he still has a chance with her. Which may not be so crazy, since Marissa won't say that she doesn't have any feelings for Johnny. Ryan insincerely thanks Kaitlin for the information as he tries to escort her out, but she isn't finished shit-stirring yet. She demands that Ryan take care of her problems for her, preferably using violence. Wow, she really is Marissa's sister. Kaitlin claims that they will both benefit, since Ryan will know where he and Marissa really stand, and Johnny will finally realize that he has no chance with Marissa and hook up with her sister instead. Why would you even want a guy who only wants you because he couldn't get your sister?
Ryan takes Kaitlin's advice and meets Marissa at the diner. He gets right to the point: he wants to know how Marissa feels about Johnny once and for all. Does she feel sorry for him? Does she feel like she can talk to him about things that she can't talk to Ryan about? Or is she in love with him? I love how Johnny being a fun person to hang out with isn't one of the options. Until Marissa figures it out, Ryan doesn't want to see her. Oh, snap! Awesome. Go Ryan! Marissa looks slightly distressed, but not very sad. She starts to defend herself with "I know things have been confusing," but that's as far as she can get before Ryan walks right on out of there. Snap, crackle, AND pop!
The morning, both Seth and Ryan are being broody little sulkers. Ryan explains his situation with Marissa to Seth, and Seth offers up little encouragement, simply saying that he's sure Marissa will "do the right thing." Unlike Seth, who chickened out of telling Summer the truth. He's now hoping to reschedule his Brown interview by making the excuse that he had a seizure at the same time there was a huge accident on the freeway that caused lots of traffic. Ryan and Seth agree that Seth's excuse needs some work.
Over in the trailer, Julie is making grits. I wonder if she's using Gus's recipe, which has a special secret ingredient that begins with an "r" and ends with an "oofies." Both daughters reject the homemade breakfast, so Julie just takes it right off the burner and, hot pan and all, over to Gus's trailer, figuring he'll eat it. It's totally out of character for Julie, who thinks Gus is creepy and is constantly trying to stay away from him, to do this, but it gives Kaitlin and Marissa some alone time to snipe at each other, and so it shall be. Marissa is understandably furious with Kaitlin for talking to Ryan, although you wouldn't know it by her flat tone, barely furrowed brow, and generally mellow demeanor. Kaitlin shrugs that she was just sharing her opinion with Ryan, and that she'll do whatever she must to get Johnny. Marissa won't accept this explanation, however, since it does not take place in a universe that has Marissa as its center. Therefore, she puts out the theory that Kaitlin is doing this just to get back at the sister she resents. "I can't wait for you to leave," Marissa states calmly. Kaitlin stares with her mouth hanging open. I'm not sure if it's a guilty slack-jaw or an angry one, though.
Summer spots Seth walking out of the guidance counselor's office. She heads in, and the guidance counselor greets her with the news that the Brown interviewer called to say that he loved Summer. Did Summer blow him or something? Come on! I had a good college interview, too, but my interviewer didn't make any personal calls to anyone about it, least of all my guidance counselor who didn't seem to be aware that interviewing was part of the college application process anyway. Summer asks if good ol' Shelly mentioned Seth, and Guidance Counselor spills that Seth didn't actually go to his interview. In fact, he was just there to make excuses (apparently he did not figure out a way to improve upon his original traffic jam excuse and went with that) and try to schedule a new one. "That little bitch!" Summer murmurs. The guidance counselor has compensated for her complete lack of a sense of student confidentiality with increased hearing abilities, and she's all, "ExCUSE me?!," thinking Summer was talking to her. Summer excuses herself to go murder her boyfriend.
Julie shows up at "work" and tells Kirsten that Dr. Neil has made a selection for his Newport blind date, and will be eating at the same restaurant and at the same table Julie had dreamed of for her fantasy date with Dr. Neil. Julie says that, from now on, when it comes to manipulation, Kirsten should leave it to the pro. Not like Julie's been doing very much fun scheming lately. Sigh. Julie's new plan is to meet Dr. Neil's date and get to know her well enough to exploit her weaknesses. Julie, just do what Seth did and start another rumor about genital warts. Everyone has a weakness when it comes to genital warts.
Oh, hello, Chili! It's almost nice to see you again. He's been dragged out of the Roberts's Attic of Lost Tertiary Characters for a heart-to-heart with Johnny about Marissa. He says that Johnny's been down about girls before, but never as bad as Johnny is over Marissa. Chili thinks the best thing for Johnny to do at this point is just to "take a shot" with Marissa. Even if he gets rejected, at least Johnny will know that he did everything he could and then try to get over it. Johnny doesn't hear that part, since he's grasped onto the slim chance that Marissa will choose Johnny over Ryan. I don't think this is going to end well.
Sandy and Kirsten are having a dinner out. Kirsten gives Sandy permission to order himself a drink, since Sandy has apparently been abstaining from alcohol around his alcoholic wife. At least, he has on those few occasions that the writers remember Kirsten even has a drinking problem. Then they see Matt across the restaurant, sitting at the bar. They're about to invite him over to sit with them when a young woman enters. Kirsten identifies her as Maya Griffin -- that would be Maya "My Dad Is The Head Of The Physicians Of The Churro Hospital Committee" Griffin. You know, the one Sandy told Matt not to go after so that they could win over her father. Sandy's not too morals-obsessed to talk to Matt about it immediately, though. He'll wait until tomorrow, when Matt has already done all the buttering up that Sandy supposedly doesn't want him to do. He and Kirsten decide to go to the Crab Shack and get take-out instead.
Marissa meets Johnny at the beach. He tells her that he wants to get everything "out in the open." Marissa starts to say that she'd rather he kept things unsaid in order to make it easier and more comfortable for her, but he just interrupts her to announce that he loves her, and that he thinks she feels the same way about him. And he looks so hopeful and happy as he lists off all the things Marissa's done for him that prove that she has feelings for him -- taking care of him when he hurt his knee, refusing to stay away from him no matter how many times he asked/ordered her to, etc. -- that you have to feel just a little bit sorry for the guy. Johnny urges Marissa to think about this and give him an answer. For Johnny's sake, she should have thought about it the first time he told her about his feelings. Instead, she just ignored it and kept leading him on and made everything worse.
The morning, Sandy and Kirsten greet Ryan when he enters the kitchen, offering him a bagel. When Seth enters, Sandy says, "Ah, there's my son!" And, you know, when you think about it, that's a really shitty thing to say in front of Ryan like that. Surely "there's my other son" would have been a better way to phrase that. Business moral dilemmas make Sandy into an insensitive asshole. Sandy pretends to care about Seth's college anxiety for three seconds, and then Summer walks right on into the kitchen and asks if she can speak to her boyfriend alone. Seth heads upstairs. Summer follows, and Ryan notes the angry look on her face. He makes a really great "ooooh, Seth is in for it now!" expression.
Upstairs, the playful music abruptly stops when Summer smacks Seth in the face for lying to her. "What the hell?!" he asks. You know, if Seth were the one smacking Summer around all the time, we'd all be very upset. And yet, when it's Summer doing it to Seth, it's used as comic relief. I don't think it's funny when someone smacks someone else in the face, no matter the victim's gender. Especially since it's not like she's tapping him playfully; she hits him really hard and has left him with black eyes. Summer really needs to work on her rage issues. She accuses Seth of being a pathological liar and on the path to being a "creepy old man" with an attic full of "stolen money and porn." You mean like Dr. Neil? Except that his attic also contains all those tertiary characters we never hear from again even though they supposedly still live in Newport. Seth thinks that sounds pretty awesome, which is kind of true, and then finally admits to Summer that he was scared of the interview and ran away. And then he was embarrassed about being scared, especially since his girlfriend is so confident and socially able. Of course, Summer can't resist Seth's sensitive side, because really, who could? Certainly not me. Summer softens and tells Seth that she'll have her awkward social moments at Brown, too, like when everyone else is super-smart and intellectually curious and well-read and she is none of those things. They agree that they need to be honest with each other, and Summer asks him if there's anything else he wants to confess to her. Obviously, this would be the ideal time for him to tell her about the pot, especially since there's absolutely no way she won't find out about it sooner or later, seeing as how almost everyone else in Newport already knows. But Seth just says he doesn't have anything else to tell her. I guess the reason Summer always attacks his face is that Seth doesn't have a backbone for her to go for. But they kiss and make up adorably, which just makes it all the more upsetting since you just know they won't be this happy for long, and then Seth invites Summer to "get down." I think we all know what that means.
Yuck, it's Matt. Sandy has invited him to the NewNewport Group office on the weekend to discuss the urgent matter of Matt's forbidden date. Matt refuses to be apologetic or act like he did anything wrong, saying that it was Maya who contacted him when her father found out he was going to be working with Matt. Yeah, I'm so sure Maya's dad has the first and last names of his daughter's unrequited crushes memorized. Okay. Sandy isn't buying it; he says he used to watch Caleb's associates try to get close to Kirsten in order to get close to her father. He wasn't a fan of it then and he certainly doesn't want his business to run that way. Matt says that the end result will be a hospital that is going to help a lot of people, so it's worth it. Ooooh, how Machiavellian of you, Matt! I'd be impressed if I wasn't too busy snoring through all your scenes. "We're gonna have to bend the rules if we want to win the game," Matt says. "That'd look good on a bumper sticker," Sandy snorts. Or on a "No Fear" shirt. Or, even better, on the boot Sandy should be using to kick Matt's weaselly stripper-loving ass out of his company. But no, he just tells Matt to come into work on Monday with a "real game plan." You know, last time we had an episode about a game plan, Johnny got run over by a car. I wonder what will happen to him this time?
Johnny shows up at the poolhouse. Ryan's not too happy to see him, but that's what you get when you don't close your doors, dude: unwanted visitors. Just be glad it isn't something worse, like a big spider. Johnny tells Ryan about his confession of love to Marissa. Ryan asks Johnny if he's trying to get Ryan's blessing or something. Johnny says he just wanted to apologize. "Thanks for that. Leave. Now," Ryan says, his rage simmering just below his calm, cool, and collected surface. Johnny wisely takes his advice.
Julie has ridiculously decided to spy on Dr. Neil's date by wearing a disguise of big dark glasses and a semi-burkah, because this show is a cartoon now. I'm surprised she didn't go with a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, too. She reports the details to Kirsten via cell phone as Kirsten wonders when, exactly, her life got this boring and empty. A Newpsie enters the restaurant and immediately identifies Julie before she can escape. The Newpsie, Taryn, runs over and loudly asks Julie if the Taliban has taken over Newport, citing Julie's outfit as proof. The best part about that is that Taryn wasn't being sarcastic here -- she seemed genuinely concerned that the Taliban may, in fact, have taken over Newport and that she'd have to go out and get a whole new wardrobe. Things get even worse for Julie when Taryn spots Dr. Neil and his date and runs over to greet them. Taryn obviously has a problem with people's personal space. She pulls Julie along with her, thereby blowing Julie's carefully-constructed cover. When Dr. Neil sees her, he grins and playfully accuses Julie of spying on him. Rattled, Julie breathes an "I'm sorry," and then turns around to leave, smashing right into a waiter who's holding a tray of extremely fragile glasses, all of which shatter violently against his chest. Julie runs away. Dr. Neil smiles some more. The waiter bleeds to death.
I am wondering why I have been enjoying this show so much in past few minutes, and realize it's because of a lack of Marissa. Unfortunately, I only realize this when another Marissa scene starts up again. You just don't know how much you appreciate some things until they're gone, you know? Kaitlin sits to Marissa on the pier. Kaitlin claims to feel bad about their fight, even though she did just about everything she could to cause it in the first place. But now she's had a change of heart. She says that she thought she was doing Marissa a favor by tattling on her to her boyfriend. Her explanation for this seemingly insane way of thinking almost makes sense, though: you see, years ago, when Marissa used to actually eat things, she had a habit of sampling every single flavor of Baskin-Robbins ice cream before deciding which one she wanted. Once her dad actually bought the cone for her, she'd change her mind again. Baskin-Robbins employees all over Orange County may have hated Marissa even more than I do. Kaitlin figured that Marissa was the same way when it came to boyfriends, and was trying to force her hand so that she would act on her instincts for the first time instead of overthinking everything. Marissa whines that she doesn't know how to do this: "Maybe I'm not built that way." "It's a skill," Kaitlin tells her, before ordering her, "Learn it. Make a decision and stick with it." It's kind of sad when your little sister has to tell you things that you should have learned yourself, isn't it, Marissa? It's also kind of sad that I only like Kaitlin because I hate Marissa so much.
The sun sets. Johnny emerges from a shower fully dressed, which makes a lot of sense. His mother runs up and tells him that he just missed Marissa, who left him a note, since she was apparently already planning on giving him her answer in written form anyway. That's probably not a good sign, but Johnny hopefully opens the envelope. How pissed off is the actress who plays Johnny's mother right now, showing up in episodes where she really isn't needed but not given the chance to do an emotional hospital scene when her kid got run over by a car?
Marissa stops by the poolhouse to give Ryan her answer. "I'm sorry," she begins. Of course, Ryan figures she's apologizing to him because she's going to be with Johnny after all, but no! She continues by saying that she's sorry she made him doubt her feelings for him. She acknowledges that this was her fault because she felt like she couldn't talk to Ryan about Trey, something they never really resolved until Kaitlin came back into town and brought everything to the surface again. And now that that's dealt with, Marissa would like it to all be over and easy for her again immediately. Ryan's not ready for that yet.
Kaitlin's enjoying an old horror flick on her black and white trailer park TV set when there's a knock at the door. It's Johnny, and he's inviting her out for a night on the beach. "Bonfire and tequila," he offers. Well, that's always a great combination. Kaitlin contributes a bottle from Julie's way-too-accessible stash, and they're off.
Kirsten finds Sandy sulking in his NewNewport office. She comes bearing dinner and a sympathetic ear, because that is her role. Sandy says that he wants his hospital more than anything. Kirsten says that, in that case, he shouldn't let Matt and Maya's relationship interfere with it. She's kind of missing the point there. I'm starting to wonder why all these people use Kirsten as a sounding board when her advice is either wildly off-base or just plain crappy. Sandy says that he has to draw the business ethics line somewhere. Kirsten is confident that Sandy knows where the line is supposed to be. I do, too: just to the left of dating a girl just to win her dad's favor after your boss specifically told you not to. Fire Matt, Sandy.
Seth managed to score some more weed, and he's smoking it when Summer makes an unannounced visit. She brought two chick flicks for them to enjoy. What a fun weekend night they'll be having! Seth quickly escorts her downstairs and away from his pot-stinking bedroom.
Johnny and Kaitlin drink on the beach to their glowing bonfire. Kaitlin complains that they don't have anything to mix the tequila with, which you'd think she would've thought of before they left. Johnny's not complaining, though. He loves tequila! Kaitlin wants to make out now, but Johnny's wasted and uninterested. It's pretty hard to turn off a drunk teenage boy, but Kaitlin managed to do it. How embarrassing! She wanders off to find some more fuel for their fire, determined to get her hands on some wood tonight one way or another. This leaves Johnny alone to re-read Marissa's letter, pout over its contents (which we don't get to see but can guess about), and then toss it in the fire. Kaitlin comes back with some driftwood just in time to get invited to climb up the nearby cliffs. Even Kaitlin The Bad-Ass doesn't think you should climb rocks while wasted, but Johnny won't be deterred. Dun dun dunnnn!
Back in the less melodramatic adult world, Julie comes back home and fails to notice the absence of one of her liquor bottles. Great job there, Mom. I guarantee you my parents would have noticed if a drop of liquor was missing from the house, let alone an entire bottle. If, that is, they had kept hard alcohol in our house. There's a knock on the trailer door. Julie assumes it's Gus with an invite to his strip Pinochle game, but it's just Dr. Neil. Damn damn damn! I love Gus! Why can't he and Julie be together?! Strip Pinochle, people! It would have been so awesome! Dr. Neil thanks Julie for fixing him up with the wonderful Newpsie he met tonight. Julie coldly says that she's about to enjoy a dinner of a Hot Pocket and a wine cooler and tries to close the door in Dr. Neil's face. Dr. Neil's prodigious gut keeps the door open, though, and he announces that he wants Julie, even if she is a lying manipulator. "I've fallen for you," he tells her. Julie cries and says that this is Dr. Neil's lucky night, because she's got an extra Hot Pocket. Well, of course she does! They always come in packs of two. Dr. Neil is never one to pass up food, and he accepts her invitation.
Johnny climbs drunkenly. Kaitlin stays on the beach and begs him to come back down. Despite his bad knee and the fact that he's using one hand to hold the liquor bottle, he manages to make it to the top. That's pretty impressive!
Marissa and Ryan return to the poolhouse with some Thai takeout. Marissa complains that Seth ate all of her dumplings. Well, it's not like she was going to eat them. Marissa tries to talk to Ryan, but he's not having it. He's still really pissed at her. "What do you want from me?" he asks her. "I want you," Marissa says. "Sometimes. When there's no one better." She didn't say that last part. And she and Ryan start making out, because Ryan might be mad at Marissa and have pride and stuff like that, but he also has hormones. Marissa's phone interrupts them before Ryan can take off his shirt, which sucks. Marissa sees that Kaitlin is calling and answers, hoping to get rid of her quickly so that she can get back to her hot make-up sex. Kaitlin is frantic on the other end, and tells Marissa that Johnny is drunk and crazy! Ryan takes the phone and tells Kaitlin that they'll be right there. Ugh.
Seth loves Save The Last Dance. It helps that he's under the influence. I really can't do Seth's stonedness justice here, so you'll just have to see it for yourselves. Summer starts getting suspicious of her boyfriend's sudden interest in the TV's blue screen and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...
...which, of course, she doesn't go to. Instead, she sneaks around Seth's room, looking through his things and asking Captain Oats to guide her to the source of Seth's odd behavior. She soons finds a sizeable bag of weed. "Ew!" she cries.
Sad music plays as Ryan and Marissa pull up to the scene of Johnny's temper tantrum. Ryan orders Marissa to go to Kaitlin while he heads up a back trail to join Johnny at the edge of the cliff. Marissa runs up to Kaitlin and hugs her -- although her voice barely shows any concern or emotion, as usual -- as she begs Johnny to get down. Should they really be encouraging him to climb back down? And is Marissa really the best person to be yelling at Johnny right now? He doesn't seem to think so, sneering at her offer of friendship and telling her to go away as Ryan runs up behind him. The two guys finally come face-to-face, and Johnny's about as happy to see Ryan as he was to see Marissa. He asks Ryan if he's planning on saving him once again in front of Marissa. Good point, Johnny, except for the fact that Ryan has only had to save you from danger that you've put yourself in. Well, except for that thing with Volchok, which really was just Ryan being a buttinsky. Johnny refuses to come down, and his foot slips, almost sending him flying off the cliff. Ryan begs him to get away from the edge. Johnny asks if Ryan's planning on grabbing his hand if he falls and save the day again, and then gets a chance to put his theory into practice as a look of horror crosses his face and he falls backwards into the Slow Motion Sequence of Doom.
Johnny slips off the edge of the cliff. Ryan runs and grabs over the edge. We hear a scream. Marissa covers Kaitlin's face. We hear a bottle crash on the ground; we don't hear the thud of a body hitting the ground. But then we see Ryan's hand dangling off the edge of the cliff, and it's empty. From the look on Ryan's face, Johnny's prognosis doesn't look good. But you'll have to watch week to find out for sure.
By the way, Fox would like you to know that tonight's episode featured music by the band Rock Kills Kid, which may only exist to serve as a humorous coda to a mostly silly episode. I'm surprised they didn't add that we also heard from James Blunt in honor of Seth.