Ryan becomes a man in the Jewish sense of the word with his Bar Mitzvah -- although because it's so close to Chrismukkah, it becomes a Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah. My spellcheck, it cries. Ryan's hesitant to make a fool out of himself, and Sandy's hesitant to let him, saying it's sacrilegious and offensive, but they go ahead with it anyway. Summer and her dad spend time together and talk about Summer's long-lost mom, who abandoned them on the day of Seth's Bar Mitzvah, leaving him alone and friendless and so very sad, as we see in his home video of the event. Awww! Julie spends some time with Summer's dad too, and he admits to her that he and the StepMonster are getting a divorce, and she admits to him that she lives in a trailer. Love potentially blossoms, and they head for the Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah just in time to join the line of swaying friends. It would have been such a great episode if it weren't for the fact that the whole Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah event was being held as a fundraiser for Johnny's knee surgery, which Ryan almost misses because he has to go stop Johnny from doing some fundraising of himself -- holding a freaking Mini-Mart up at gunpoint. Ugh.
You guys, it's the episode I've been waiting for! The best thing about The O.C.! Chrismukkah! Being a half-Jew, half-Christian myself, I, too, celebrate Chrismukkah, although in my family, we called it "Nondenominational Xmas" and are always entertained by my mother's attempts to Christianize herself for a day, although not so much my dad's efforts to share his English Christmas traditions, namely plum pudding. Rumor has it that Dad will be dousing it in brandy this year and lighting it on fire, which means that I may very well be writing my recap from the burn ward of a local hospital. And it will rule. Anyway, I'm excited about this episode and I'm sure it won't disappoint me at all.
Our gang search for the perfect Chrismukkah tree. They've been at it for three hours, and Marissa is getting impatient. Every time Summer shakes one of Marissa's fellow wooden friends, a shiver runs down her spine. Seth talks about how every Jewish kid's desire to celebrate Christmas is akin to every Christian kid's desire for a bar mitzvah. Unless you grew up in my predominantly Catholic town, where every kid in your class got mad cash for both Communion AND Confirmation and the most anyone knew about Judaism was that it had the "funny writing." Ryan says that he never wanted a Bar Mitzvah, because Chino has its own coming-of-age ceremony involving rats, dirt, and sadness, and it was enough for him. Seth scoffs that Ryan just doesn't know any better, and Summer leads Marissa off to look at some more trees off-camera so that Seth and Ryan can talk Bar Mitzvahs.
Sadly, Marissa and Summer won't be as far off-camera as I had hoped. Marissa starts looking at a tree for Johnny, because evergreens are the universal symbol for platonic friendships. Summer, who's sporting some dark circles under her eyes -- I'm guessing it's because her roommate the Queen Mooch stole her cover-up stick -- doesn't understand why Marissa is thinking about Johnny when Marissa just said that they shouldn't see each other. Good point, Summer. Why not double your "voice of reason" score and ask Marissa why she's buying Johnny a freaking tree when his mother can obviously take care of that herself? Marissa says that it's the holidays and that she feels sorry for Johnny, who's "all alone," except that he isn't. Summer calls Marissa "Cooper Scooper," and Marissa laughs that that is a bad nickname. It's a much nicer one than you deserve, Marissa. Marissa says she and Ryan talked about Johnny and his feelings for her, so she's sure Ryan will be cool with her buying Johnny a Christmas tree.
Meanwhile, Seth asks Ryan about Marissa and Johnny's relationship. Ryan says that he and Marissa had a "good talk," most of which occurred off-camera. Way to accurately predict that the viewers would rather hear about instead of having to see Ryan and Marissa interact, writers! The less screentime that couple has, the better. Ryan says he's sure Johnny is the "last thing" on Marissa's mind, especially since the holidays are coming up. The group meets up again, and Marissa and Summer inform their boyfriends that, contrary to Ryan's belief, Johnny is actually the first thing on Marissa's mind. She wants to buy Johnny a tree with the money she's probably expecting her friends to cough up. Marissa and Ryan walk off to talk about this somewhere else where we don't have to see them, and Seth tells Summer that his "Chrismukkah forecast" calls for trouble. Trouble with a 5% chance of good character development, that is.
The four drive over to Johnny's house and manage not to get carjacked even though this is the really bad part of town. They give Johnny and his mother a "tree" that's about two feet tall and only slightly healthier than Charlie Brown's famous loser tree, and the Harpers do an admirable job of not looking totally insulted. Probably because they're too busy being very sad that Johnny's knee surgery isn't covered by his mom's insurance and Johnny's surfing career is over. Bummer, dude.
Sandy comes home to find Kirsten unpacking the Chrismukkah supplies. They both admire Ryan's stocking and say it seems like "forever ago" that Seth made it for him. It was only two years ago, but so much has changed. For instance, a show that was good and fun to watch has become interminably boring and fairly stupid. Sigh. In a rare show of concern for Kirsten's many unexplored issue, Sandy asks Kirsten how she's feeling about celebrating her first holiday without her father. She sighs that this is also their last holiday without "the boys in the house," because Seth and Ryan are apparently going to a college that doesn't let its students leave for Christmas break. Kirsten says she's feeling "adrift." Sandy says it's good that she's hanging out with Julie, then, whose life is so crappy that anyone's would seem great in comparison. Way to brush your troubled wife's feelings aside with an insult about her friend/business partner, there, Sandy. I hope you enjoyed our time with Kirsten's issues, because that's all we're getting this week!
At the diner, the gang looks to Summer for a Chrismukkah miracle that will help Johnny, because this show is apparently called The J.H. now. Summer smacks her head and stutters as she tries to think of something. Remember, folks, Summer is the smart one. Marissa wonders how much knee surgery costs. "A few grand, at least," Ryan says. A little more than that, I'd say -- aren't those things somewhere in the five figures? Maybe the hospitals on the wrong side of the tracks are cheaper since they use dental floss for stitches. For absolutely no reason other than to set up the plot for this episode, Seth says that they could pool their Bar Mitzvah money, if anyone other than him is Jewish. This gives him an idea. Ryan senses that it will involve him having a Bar Mitzvah and immediately refuses, pointing out that Summer is laughing at him. Seth says that Summer isn't laughing; she's having gas. That doesn't really make sense, but I still like it. Summer doesn't, though. Seth announces his plan: "A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah." He figures Ryan will get enough money from it to be able to pay for Johnny's surgery, which, first of all, don't you have to spend years studying for a Bar Mitzvah? And second of all, it sucks that Ryan has to give all that money over to stupid Johnny. Never mind the fact that while Bar Mitzvahs usually do earn one a lot of money, I doubt it's enough to pay for a knee surgery, or that the hospital will take cash. This is very stupid, but Summer, Marissa, and Seth get really excited about the idea and start making plans. Ryan puts his head in his hands.
Either Julie's been watching too much Blue Collar TV, or she's reverted back to her trailer-park roots amazingly quickly, as she's relaxing on her ugly couch, wearing a wife-beater and a short jean skirt, spitting Skoal into a can, and watching NASCAR. There's a knock at the door, and Julie calls out to Gus that she will not go to his Christmas party, which is featuring a deep-fried ham. Pity; I would have really loved to see that. Kirsten is at the door, not Gus. She walks right on in (Julie should really lock her door if she's so worried about her ne'er-do-well neighbors), and Julie is very embarrassed. I'd be embarrassed, too, if I didn't have a source of income and was spending my day watching TV instead of looking for a job. But I think Julie's more embarrassed about being seen looking so rednecky. Kirsten asks Julie how things are going, and Julie responds that some neighbors are having cockfights soon, so it's all good. "I'm awful!" Kirsten says, trying to keep from crying. Julie says she's "beyond awful," and that she won't be seeing Marissa for the holidays because she hasn't told her that she lives in a trailer and it's not like Marissa cares all that much anyway. "Misery loves company," Kirsten decides, and she takes a seat on the couch to Julie. Julie turns the NASCAR back on and offers Kirsten some chaw. Kirsten politely declines. Poor Kirsten; she keeps trying to talk to someone about her problems, and everyone just ignores her.
Summer returns home with Seth in tow. Her dad is there, and Seth attempts to make conversation with him. As usual, it does not go well. He starts babbling, and Summer suggests that he go up and comb Princess Sparkles's hair, which always relaxes him. Seth denies this, trying to look super-cool in front of his girlfriend's dad, then just gives up and runs upstairs after ascertaining that Princess Sparkles's comb is in its usual spot. That's lucky; I would have thought Marissa would have thrown it in the pool in a moment of silly rage by now. Dr. Roberts watches Seth go with the perfect "why does my daughter like this guy?" look. Summer asks when they can all go get a Christmas tree for the house, and Dr. Roberts reveals that the StepMonster is out of town for the entire holiday for some made-up reason, and that he's too busy with work to do anything Christmasy with his daughter. Good thing Summer's got such a kind and supportive friend in Marissa to make her feel better -- oh, wait.
Marissa and Ryan stop by Johnny's house, where they find him watching videos of himself surfing, because wallowing in self-pity has been known to help cure busted knees. Johnny tells them that this video is from his and Chili's trip to Costa Rica that someone was magically able to afford even though Johnny's mom is apparently too poor to afford health insurance that covers necessary knee surgeries. Marissa and Ryan says they've got good news for Johnny: they're planning a fundraiser to pay for Johnny's stupid surgery. Johnny's not as thrilled about it as they thought he'd be, saying that he appreciates their efforts, but that he doesn't want to be a "charity case." Good; now all the money they raise can go to some people who are actually deserving. Like people who are starving or homeless. No, not Marissa -- people who are starving unintentionally. Johnny says that Ryan, of all people, should understand that he wants to take care of himself. Not really, though, considering that all of Ryan's living expenses are now totally covered by rich people.
The day, Ryan makes himself useful by skimming the pool while the other three members of the gang sit around like lazy bums and watch him work. Seth refuses to let Ryan out of his Bar Mitzvah, even though there's no point in having it anymore. He talks about his Bar Mitzvah and how much it sucked, since it fell on the same day as Luke's awesome paintball birthday party and everyone in his class went to that instead of to Seth's Bar Mitzvah. This is Seth's chance for a do-over. I guess it makes sense that Seth wouldn't have wanted to do the Bar Mitz-vahkkah for purely unselfish reasons. The kids decide to proceed with their plan and hope that Johnny will change his mind.
Now it's time for Ryan and Seth to bring their idea to Sandy and Kirsten. "Do you have any idea how offensive this is?" Sandy asks, apparently not very receptive to the idea. He says that Bar Mitzvahs are sacred religious events, not fundraisers. And they're certainly not done for non-Jews like Ryan. Seth says that this is their chance to market Bar Mitzvahs the way Christians market Christmas. Maybe, but that's probably not the right argument for a guy who's worried about taking the sacred religious aspect out of the ritual, is it? Non-Jew Kirsten likes the idea, especially since it's for a "good cause": a skinny little guy with a knee problem who doesn't even want the help they're trying to provide for him. She says that they can take over the Country Club's Christmas party and lie that the money raised will be donated to a local hospital. Although I guess that's not a complete lie, since the money will end up at the hospital eventually. Sandy reluctantly agrees, as long as the Bar Mitzvah is an "honorary" one. Way to make Ryan feel like a part of the family by not letting him have a "real" Bar Mitzvah, Sandy. And way to take something that could have been a really cool and touching welcome-to-the-family event and turning it into a stupid fundraiser for a character no one likes, writers. I've been looking forward to this Bar Mitzvah ever since I read the spoilers about it, and now it's just for show to raise money for stupid Johnny? Lame.
Marissa enters Johnny's house and finds him playing a game of Pity Me solitaire. He says he's too busy to talk to her right now, pointing to the cell phone he's expecting to ring. It does, and Johnny tells Marissa that it's a private call. "I can wait," Marissa says, not taking the hint. Johnny answers the phone after he shoos Marissa out of the room and tells the caller that this isn't a good time. "It's fine. I'll go," Marissa announces, having waited until she could make as much of a scene as possible to say this. Johnny tells her to wait, and she stops, expecting him to bow at her feet and beg for her forgiveness like all the other guys do. But he just says he's sorry and goes back to his phone call. Ha!
Ryan looks through Seth's Bar Mitzvah photo album and makes fun of him, even though those photos were only taken, like, four years ago and Seth can't really look all that different. Seth pulls out his steamer trunk of memories, which contains all sorts of stuff, like a Jew Camp archery award, a clay hot dog, and his diorama of I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, which, if it remained true to the book's author, was considered to be a much better diorama that it actually was, and Seth became the U.S. diorama laureate. Finally, Seth finds what he was looking for: the CD his Rabbi made for him to help him memorize the Torah. Seth hands it to Ryan and tells him he'll just "chant a little Torah" and "dance a little hora," and then it's over, except for the semi-traditional last dance to "That's What Friends Are For," when you get to sway to the music with all your friends, something Seth claims is "awesome" even though he didn't actually have any friends at his Bar Mitzvah to do it with him. He's looking forward to "rewriting history" tomorrow. Ryan has twenty-four hours to learn everything, and has to spend some of that time hanging out with awful Marissa. He says he's not looking forward to humiliating himself in front of the entire town. Seth assures him that it's better than humiliating yourself in front of no one. Aww.
Julie and Kirsten enter the hospital. Julie has managed to find some non-trailer trash clothes to wear, and her doubt that Kirsten's little plan to raise money for the hospital in hopes of getting a free arthroscopic surgery is very sound. A doctor calls out to Julie. She initially doesn't recognize him as Dr. Roberts, which makes sense seeing as how different he looks from the last time he was on. He's gotten a lot grayer. I guess that's what happens when you leave your MS-stricken wife for Roma Downey, only to have her dump you for the King of all reality TV, who would like you to forget that most of his reality shows ever even existed (hello, Boarding House: North Shore!) as well as his attempts to branch out into scripted television (Commando Nanny? Global Frequency?). But anyway, Julie thanks Dr. Neil (formerly "Dr. Roberts") for letting Marissa stay at his house for the last four months or whatever while her totally sweet home that certainly is not a trailer is being remodeled, and then asks to see the hospital administrator. Dr. Neil answers that the administrator is on vacation right now, and Kirsten makes her trademark head-tilt-and-eyes-lowered sad face. Don't despair, Kirsten! Dr. Neil is the head plastic surgeon and he's happy to help. If they raise enough money for the hospital, he'll give Johnny a free laser peel!
Seth watches his Bar Mitzvah video. Sandy of the Past introduces the rabbi to The Nana and Caleb, who will be played tonight by some bad voice-over actors. The camera swings over to Seth, looking miserable as he sits all by himself while other people dance to "That's What Friends Are For." Aw, there is nothing sadder than having a party and no one showing up. Sandy and Kirsten run over and invite Seth to dance with them. Who is filming all this, anyway? Someone who thinks that a child's loneliness makes for a great lasting memory. Seth miserably says that he needs friends to dance with for this song, and asks where Summer Roberts, who promised to come, is. Kirsten whispers to Sandy that a lot of kids RSVPed, but that none of them showed. Sandy just shrugs. The cameraman keeps right on filming, because he has no shame. Seth of the Past starts whining about his orthodonture just as Ryan of the Present, wearing his hot leather jacket, enters. He's running late to meet Marissa for dinner, although I doubt he has to worry about her starting to eat without him. Seth turns off the video and tells him how great he is for going through all this for someone who has feelings for Marissa. "That don't make me a saint," Ryan says, trying to sound all hardcore and John Wayne-y. Seth explains that Jews don't have saints; they have really good stand-up comics. Ryan leaves, and Seth turns the video back on and quietly sings along to "Y.M.C.A.," making little letters with his hands.
Marissa waits for Ryan at the diner. She notices Johnny standing around outside and decides to go find out what he's up to. As she watches from afar, a guy walks up to Johnny. Johnny gives him some money, and they walk away.
Marissa Cooper, PI finds Johnny down at the beach, watching the waves and making a pouty face. He says that he's dreamed of being a professional surfer for his whole life -- which isn't really true, since he said he only started surfing when he moved to Newport a few years ago, but whatever -- and now his dream is ruined. What happens to a dream deferred? It makes for one really crappy storyline, that's for sure.
Ryan walks into the diner. Marissa isn't there.
Johnny apologizes to Marissa for being snappish with her, especially since her support is "the only thing that keeps [him] going." "Hey. We're gonna get through this. Okay. We're gonna get through it together," Marissa flatly declares. Well, I'm convinced. She puts a hand on Johnny's shoulder just to lead him on a little more, and he, of course, moves in for a kiss. She turns her head, and he has to settle for an awkward hug instead. Ryan's watching it all from the pier above.
The day, Ryan comes into the kitchen and announces to Sandy and Seth that he is backing out of the Bar Mitzvah. He doesn't want to humiliate himself for a guy who's in love with his girlfriend. This show might want to stop making being Jewish seem like the most painful thing that has ever happened to a person. I'm sure reciting the Torah in front of lot of people isn't the funnest thing in the world, but it's also not the most embarrassing thing, either. This show is making it sound like absolute torture. Ryan pours himself some coffee and storms out. "This is bad news," Sandy says. "Great news!" Kirsten announces, breezing into the room. Everything's all set for the hospital fundraiser, and Kirsten is certain that this will be the best Chrismukkah ever. Well, I'm convinced. She kisses Sandy on the cheek and runs right back out of the room. Seth dryly praises his mother's remarkable timing. "Oy humbug!" Sandy says.
Summer and Dr. Neil decorate their perfect tree by the pool. Either they didn't have enough room for it in their giant mansion, or they were afraid of getting it confused with Marissa and having an embarrassing moment when they wrapped the wrong stick of wood in tinsel. Dr. Neil reminisces about how Summer's mom used to be just as picky about picking out Christmas trees as Summer is now, and Summer cutely says that as long as the tree has presents for her underneath it, she likes it. Then she gets serious and asks Dr. Neil why her mom left. I'm curious as to why she hasn't asked that question in the last four years or so since her mom's been gone, but this is a touching moment and I'm not going to ruin it by asking questions. Dr. Neil explains that Summer's mom "just didn't like it here with [him]." Or with Summer, apparently. Summer says that the day she heard the news about her mom leaving was the worst day of her life. Awww. Dr. Neil says that it was the same day as Luke's birthday party, which Dr. Neil wouldn't let Summer go to because she had already RSVPed to "some other engagement." Summer realizes that that was Seth's Bar Mitzvah, meaning that she actually has a good excuse for not attending it, unlike everyone else. Dr. Neil asks Summer if he did okay, and Summer says yes. Dr. Neil adds that the StepMonster is "very sweet" on Summer. "That's because she's medicated," Summer says. Dr. Neil leaves for his rounds, passing Seth, who freezes but manages to say hello. Seth's thrilled that he and Dr. Neil successfully managed to have a piece of a conversation, but then he notices that Summer looks kind of bummed. She says the holidays can be hard. Seth asks if he can help, and kisses her on the forehead. Aw!
This moment has been interrupted by Johnny and Marissa, who want you to know that they are the stars of this show and that everything has to be about them. Johnny meets Marissa at the diner. She wants to talk about last night and the "definite vibe" she felt when she and Johnny hugged. I think she felt more than that, if you get what I'm saying. Johnny explains that it's not really a "vibe" since Marissa knows how he feels about her and still seems to want to spend time with him. "I want to stay friends," Marissa whines. Johnny asks if they can "start over," which probably means that we'll have to endure another four episodes about their possible feelings for each other. Great. Marissa says sure, but she wants to make sure everything is "okay" with Johnny. Marissa, why don't you just butt out and let some of Johnny's other friends whom he doesn't have feelings for help him out? Like Chili or his mother? And stop talking in that breathy seductive voice and giving guys the wrong impression! Better yet, just stop talking, period. Marissa asks Johnny what he was doing with that guy last night. "I'm taking care of things," he says. "Don't ask questions you don't want answers to." Ooooh, look at Johnny Drama! He's a real bad-ass with his activities that must remain secret! I think his advice is quite sound, actually. Stop asking him questions, Marissa. No one cares about this. Marissa grabs her neck and strokes her hair in worry.
Sandy comes to the poolhouse to lecture. He tells Ryan that, by quitting, he's letting down Kirsten, the hospital, and Johnny. Ryan tells him just to do the event without him. Sandy says he isn't about to have an honorary Bar Mitzvah that takes a nice big shit on a sacred rite of passage without the non-Jewish guest of honor. He tells Ryan to be an adult, set his problems aside, and do the right thing. Ryan grumbles that he seems to have to do that a lot. That's true, and it's boring.
A rooster crows in the White Trash Trailer Park. I guess he's the lucky winner of last night's cockfight. Congratulations, rooster! Christmas music gets a redneck touch with a harmonica and hoof beats, because this show seems to confuse trailer-park residents with farmers and/or nineteenth-century cattle drivers. Julie bends over while decorating her trailer tree and shows off a lot of thong. It's called a belt, Julie. If you can't afford one, just use an old shoelace like the rest of your neighbors. Kirsten comes to the door to pick Julie up to set up for the Country Club's Christmas party that they hijacked and turned into a Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah, but Julie doesn't want to go anymore. Kirsten figures out that Julie just doesn't want to face Marissa, who thinks that her mother is remodeling the condo they no longer live in. Kirsten urges Julie to tell Marissa the truth so that they can be together on the holidays like a real family. Julie says that she'll do it tonight, and looks very sad and ashamed. Or maybe she's just feeling sick from last night's deep-fried ham feast.
Ryan, looking his usual best in a suit, finds Marissa in the poolhouse, waiting for him like a stalker. She asks Ryan where he's been lately, and he lies that he was studying for the Bar Mitzvah. Marissa says that's good, since if he had gone to the diner, he might have seen her and Johnny together and jumped to the wrong conclusion. Ryan admits that he was there and that he did see them. Marissa rolls her eyes, I hope because disgusted with herself. I doubt that, though. "Yeah. Well. Nothing happened. I promise," Marissa states. Ryan's skeptical. "What is this thing you have?" he asks. "Always helping these kinds of guys?" Marissa says that, sometimes, the "wounded, loner types" she helps end up being good guys. Yeah, one guy out of four. Those are great odds. She assures Ryan that she doesn't have feelings for Johnny, but that she is scared for him. She thinks he's up to something. Something...dangerous. Ryan laughs at the thought of a girly crippled skinny-minny like Johnny doing anything dangerous. "Yeah. Well. He's scared," Marissa says. She sure does say "yeah, well" a lot. Is that Mischa Barton's attempt at ad-libbing or the writers' attempts to create realistic teenage dialogue? Marissa says that they're so close to helping Johnny, and gives Ryan what is supposed to be a pleading look. He sighs and heads for Johnny's house.
Ryan enters Johnny's house, where the crappy little tree they gave him has to be placed on a table to even be at eye level. Ma Harper thanks Ryan and his friends for being so supportive of Johnny during his tough time, and then points Ryan towards Johnny's bedroom.
Ryan passes the bathroom, where Johnny is either taking a shower or dropping a few bombs. Either way, he probably doesn't appreciate his mother showing people to his bedroom while he's indisposed. Ryan uses the alone time to snoop through Johnny's possessions, looking for clues, just one neckerchief away from being Scooby-Doo's Fred. He finds nothing, and then Johnny emerges from the bathroom, terrified that Ryan's about to beat the crap out of him for trying to kiss his girlfriend last night. But Ryan just wants to invite Johnny to the Bar Mitz-vahkkah. Johnny agrees to go once Ryan makes it clear that it isn't a fundraiser for his knee surgery and that Ryan won't take no for an answer. Ryan leaves to let Johnny change into his formalwear. Johnny grabs a gun from under a pile of clothes. I guess he's using it as a tie clip.
Seth and Summer sign a huge blown-up picture of a very young Ben McKenzie in full Little League attire. I'm not sure when Dawn Atwood had the time in between drinking binges to pick him up from practice, or how Ryan even got that picture, but it's still cute despite the complete lack of logic in its existence. Sandy calls everyone over to pose for family photos. Ryan tells Marissa to keep Johnny in her sights at all times. He wants to figure out what Johnny's up to as much as Marissa does, which is inversely proportional to how much I don't.
Julie rings the doorbell of the Summer Mansion. Dr. Neil invites her in, and she compliments his "majestic" home. He says that Newport has a lot old vain people in it that keep his pockets fat, and Julie tries to look away, but can't because of all the Botox. Instead, she asks if Marissa's around, and Dr. Neil reports that she's already at the fundraiser. He gives Julie an offer she can't refuse -- alcohol!
Julie and Dr. Neil move out to the pool and swap stepparent-hating daughter stories. Then Julie reports that her condo remodel should be done soon, and Dr. Neil gives her a look and says something about how parents are always telling their kids white lies. He's talking about himself, though, and how he told Summer that the StepMonster was away for the holidays when she really left because they're getting divorced. "I'm so sorry," Julie says as she tries not to think about how awesome the last name "Cooper-Nichol-Roberts" would sound. Dr. Neil says that his wife has been self-medicating because she's been miserable "for years," which is pretty impressive, considering that she can't have been married to Dr. Neil for all that long if Mrs. Dr. Neil #1 walked out just four years ago. Julie admires Dr. Neil's openness, if not his crappy husbandness, and decides to do a little confessing of her own: "I'm living in a trailer park." Dr. Neil does not get really angry at how Julie's been taking advantage of his kindness towards Marissa, but just sympathetically says that, sometimes, parents lie to their kids to keep them out of "harm's way." Rich people: living in a trailer will not kill you unless it's in a tornado zone, and even then your chances are at least 50%. Dr. Neil says that Julie may not be remodeling a condo, but that she is "remodeling [her] life." Dr. Neil is corny. They toast, and then Julie invites Dr. Neil to a party.
The Cohen/Atwoods pose for more pictures. Sandy invites horrible Marissa to pose with them, which gives Johnny a chance to escape. Despite having a busted knee, he moves fast enough to be out of Marissa's range of detection in about two seconds. Either he's a fast limper, or the malnutrition has blinded her.
Sandy gets on the mike and welcomes everyone to the Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah. Marissa runs backstage and tells Ryan that she lost Johnny. Ryan dutifully runs off to find him even though he's about three seconds away from reciting the Torah and Marissa does have legs and should be able to go find Johnny her own damn self. Sandy calls Ryan Atwood to the stage. Ryan Atwood does not come to the stage. Instead, Marissa pushes Seth out there, begging him to stall. Seth takes the stage and is his usual wonderful and charming self. He tells the audience that Ryan just stepped out to get his glasses. "Ryan doesn't wear glasses," Sandy party-ruins. "He does when he's reading right to left," Seth counters. Hee!
Ryan runs outside just as Johnny takes off in his Jeep. He gets in his own car to follow.
Meanwhile, Seth has just finished telling the audience how he created Chrismukkah: "Because you can't have 'chris' without a little 'mukkah.'" The audience looks really angry. I guess I'd be too if I thought I was going to the Country Club Christmas dinner and wound up at some guy's honorary Bar Mitzvah instead. Seth decides to regale the crowd with the story of Hanukkah, featuring Summer Roberts. He calls her to the stage. She does not come. He keeps calling her until she walks out, dragging Marissa behind her. Seth says that Summer will be playing Judah Maccabee, and that Marissa will be playing the miraculous oil. Seth apologizes for giving away the ending. Marissa really is the ultimate spoiler. Her look of anger at getting such a crappy part while Summer gets to be the star of the play, by the way, is pretty awesome.
Ryan is stopped at a red light. He doesn't lose Johnny, though, as he pulls his Jeep into the parking lot of a nearby mini-mart. He gets out of the car and slowly pulls out his sweet silver gun and sticks it in the back of his pants in full view of anyone who might be watching. Like Ryan, who's just sitting there plain as day. Way to be stealth there, Ryan. Fortunately, Johnny's too stupid to see him.
Johnny walks into the mini-mart and tries to make himself look as inconspicuous as possible while he waits for the last customer to leave the store. He totally sucks at this, however, so the clerk is immediately on to him and goes for his own gun underneath the counter. Johnny lets the clerk get a nice, long look at him as he goes for the gun behind his back. It looks like Johnny's master plan to take care of his knee problem himself is to rob a fucking mini-mart. He's too proud to get it legally from rich people, but robbing some poor mini-mart clerk of the thirty dollars he keeps in his register is okay? The fucking fuck?! And nice getaway plan there, chief, with your crappy knee inhibiting your movement and your Jeep right there in the parking lot getting its license plate number recorded on the store's surveillance camera.
Just as Johnny's about to hold up the mini-mart, Ryan enters the store and asks for a pack of cigarettes and a lottery ticket. The clerk goes to get them for him without carding him, even though he's just a little bit over the cigarette-buying age and still too young for a lottery ticket. Ryan pulls Johnny aside and tells him not to do this. Johnny asks what else he's supposed to do. How about not get the stupid knee surgery? I would think that having a bad leg would be better than having a bad leg IN JAIL. Ryan says he understands Johnny better than anyone else, and that, sometimes, Johnny needs to "let the rich people help." Johnny tries to act sad by biting his lower lip, and then nods. Two cops walk in, and Ryan grabs Johnny's arm and walks him out of the store without actually buying his cigarettes or his lottery ticket.
Seth and Sandy are in the middle of a rousing version of the Dreidel Song. The audience, probably none of whom are Jewish, are rudely chatting amongst themselves, probably about how they've never seen anyone portray miraculous oil as woodenly and unconvincingly as Marissa just did. "Woefully miscast," they mutter. "By far the weakest performance of the show. Eat a sandwich, miraculous oil!" Summer and Marissa step forward to get the audience back by singing the more Christian-friendly "Deck the Halls." The audience immediately sings along and thinks about Jesus or something.
Finally, Ryan runs in, followed by Johnny. The audience cheers wildly, knowing that the sooner this starts, the sooner it will end. Ryan apologizes to the crowd for keeping them waiting, and then starts his little speech. He says that the Cohens performed a "mitzvah" -- an act of human kindness -- for him once. He tells everyone to open their programs so that he can start reciting...
...and then we dissolve to Sandy and Kirsten congratulating Ryan on his successfully recitation. Disappointment! All episode I've been eagerly anticipating watching Ryan read from the Torah, and they freaking cut it out so that we could spend more time with stupid Johnny One-Leg and his hare-brained mini-mart cash surgery scheme! That blows! I don't even want to watch this anymore.
But I will, because Seth and Summer are still here. "That's What Friends Are For" plays. Summer invites Seth to a dance that she's owed him for the last five years. Awww! Ryan sees Marissa and makes his way over to her. She's just ending a very awkward conversation with a black woman that probably went something like this:
Marissa: You there -- please bring me some napkins so I can spit out the food I'm pretending to eat into them.
Black Woman: Bitch, I'm a guest here, not an employee!
Marissa: Yeah. Well. My bad.
Black Woman: I hate this town.
Ryan invites Marissa to join him and Seth and Summer on the dance floor. "Hang on," Marissa says rudely , and walks over to stupid Johnny and asks if they're still friends. He says they are. Be sure to tune in week for the same plotline of Johnny wanting to be more than that and Marissa trying to resist and Ryan catching them together at the worst possible moment and blowing up, then forgiving Marissa when she explains everything. And week, and the , and the ....
The five put their arms around each other and sway in a circle for a few seconds until Seth pronounces this "lame." Summer suddenly runs off, having seen her dad and Julie enter, conveniently late enough to have missed the boring Hebrew part of the night. She invites them both to dance with them. The circle has turned into a long, swaying line. Dr. Neil joins the end of it. Seth greets him with a "shalom." Summer asks if her dad and Seth are friends, and Seth makes the most adorable hopeful smile. Dr. Neil agrees to be friends with Seth, since it is the holidays. How big of you, Dr. Neil.
Julie cuts in between Ryan and Marissa. She promises an uneasy Ryan that she comes in peace, and he puts his arm around her shoulder. There's an awkward moment when Marissa doesn't recognize her own mother, so long has it been since they've seen each other. I don't really get why Julie had to go in between Ryan and Marissa instead of just entering the line on Marissa's other side, but whatever, Julie.
Sandy and Kirsten watch from afar. "Best. Chrismukkah. Ever," Kirsten declares. Oh, dear. She has obviously fallen off the wagon.Sandy and Kirsten join the swaying line of cast members for a mercifully short montage of everyone looking really awkward and uncomfortable. The episode ends before we get the treat of seeing Marissa react to her mother's news about their new trailer park digs by throwing a deep-fried ham into a mud puddle.