Johnny's home from the hospital, and boy is he needy! In lieu of his mother, who apparently has better things to do than take care of her own son, Marissa steps in to tend to Johnny's every want and need -- except for the one he'd like her to take care of the most. He confesses his feelings for Marissa to Summer, who's thrilled because it means that she totally called it. She's got a lot of mental abilities to be proud of lately, having scored very, very well on her SATs. Well enough, in fact, to realistically consider Brown as a college choice. Seth isn't as happy about this as she thought he would be, since he feels like he's lost the one thing he had over Summer -- being smarter. They fight about it, using peg-legs and tubas as weapons, and then actually talk about their feelings and resolve them. They both apply to Brown and they both hope they get in, and they love each other. Aw! Less-functional couple Marissa and Ryan keep ditching each other, Marissa hearing Johnny's painkiller-fueled confession of love and Ryan winding up at a strip joint, courtesy of Matt, who decides to go there instead of working on a big NewNewport Group project. Sandy fires Matt for this, then re-hires him when Ryan and a stripper (who WENT TO COLLEGE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH) stick up for him. Meanwhile, Kirsten and Julie try to figure out the best business to start up and, after getting their first idea wrong thanks to Julie's being just that irresistible, decide to start a high-end dating service. Ryan and Marissa finally get a chance to talk on the phone, but the show ends before they can really say anything, because even this show knows how boring they are.
It's a beautiful day in Orange County, as the opening shots of the beach and ocean tell us. People are surfing in the clear water. Johnny gets to watch them from the Ryan Rover. You see, Seth, Ryan, and Marissa are driving Johnny home from the hospital, as opposed to his mother, who I'm starting to think doesn't exist. Hey, what hospital wouldn't discharge a minor patient to three other minors, right? Marissa exposits that, with Chili mysteriously "out of town" (you know how those high-school seniors with no money love to go on vacation!) and Johnny's mother at work (I'm guessing at one of those evil nineteenth-century pre-Union factories that made employees work all the time and wouldn't give anyone time off to pick her freaking son up from the hospital COME ON NOW!), they're all Johnny has. That should really make him feel better. Johnny says he would have been fine taking the bus, and Ryan comments that they haven't had much luck with buses, which doesn't make any sense unless I missed the episode where someone got hit by one. They finally see Johnny's home, and he's all ashamed of the place, even though it's perfectly fine. "The infinity pool's in the back," he jokes. Seth tells him not to "worry," since Ryan grew up in the dark pits of Hell, a.k.a. Chino, so they're used to places like this. Johnny exits the car, claiming that he doesn't need anyone's help in getting into the house and doesn't want to make them late for school. I have to say, the way those kids can get so much done in the early morning never ceases to amaze me. I could barely manage to get to my locker before school started, and here they are picking people up from the hospital and having breakfast at the diner and moving and everything! I would like to know what hospital discharges its patients in the wee early morning hours, though, and what health insurance company would have paid for Johnny to stay there that night if he was healthy enough to leave in the morning. Johnny crutches out of the car and falls all over himself trying to get up the walkway stairs. "I can't watch this," Seth says, his finger always on the pulse of the viewing audience. Marissa the Selfless Hero volunteers to stay behind to help Johnny. Ryan pretends he's okay with that.
Kirsten and Julie try to figure out what their new business venture will be. Kirsten thinks that Newport is lacking a bookstore, like anyone there ever reads. Julie's idea is slightly different: a nude maid service. "Who wants to see their maids nude?" Kirsten stupidly asks. I guess she's never been on CraigsList before; that place is full of ads for young, attractive woman to do "lite cleaning" while topless. Emails without full-body photos will be ignored. No fatties, pleez! Sandy walks in and says he'd love a nude maid, as long as she irons his shirts the right way. Between that and the time Kirsten asked for sex and got coffee instead, I'm starting to think Sandy doesn't have much of a sex drive. No wonder he and Kirsten only have one biological kid. Sandy tells the girls that the NewNewport Group is gearing up to meet with some investors about a new low-excitement boring project. Sorry, I mean, "low-income housing project." Also, yawn. Julie snottily declares that she's not in favor of this low-income housing one bit. "You live in a trailer park," Kirsten says. Mean, but she does have a point. Julie says that living uncomfortably makes her highly motivated to get rich again, so it's good that poor people live in crappy places because it'll give them something to aspire to and work for. Because Julie worked so hard, what with the being lucky enough to have a rich friend who wants to go into business with her and attractive enough to marry into money. Sandy, who actually did work hard to improve his fortunes, leaves disgustedly, and the girls go back to business strategizing. Kirsten has a brilliant idea: they can be party planners. ["Oh, Jesus. GET A NEW IDEA, SHOW!" -- Wing Chun] They both know how to do it, and know that they can do it together successfully. Indeed, that fundraiser was a great success...if you ignore the fact that it was a giant scam that Julie managed to derail at the last second. I guess we are ignoring that, though, as Julie says she's in, and she and Kirsten share a toast to assured success.
Harbor. Summer runs up to Seth and Ryan and announces that she has an appointment with Dr. Kim. She has to change her college choices now that she got her SAT scores back. I'm not sure how the principal/headmistress/dean/whatever Dr. Kim's title is can help her with that, but whatever. Seth doesn't really care, but Ryan asks Summer what her score was. "I got a 2300," she says, shrugging. At first, I thought that was a joke, because I took the SATs way back when there were only two sections and the top score was 1600. But now they've added a new section and the top score is 2400, so Summer's 2300 is, in fact, very good. Ryan and Seth are shocked. "Is that bad?" Summer asks. So she's too stupid to know what a good score on the SATs is, but we're supposed to believe that she's smart enough to score that well? Ryan shares that Summer got an even better score than Seth did, prompting Seth to say that a study showed that, by probability alone, a third-grader could get a perfect score. Understandably, Summer takes offense to this. Seth says there is no other explanation for how Summer did so well. Summer just shrugs and walks away. Seth still doesn't understand how Summer got such a good score. "She did save Chrismukkah," Ryan points out.
Marissa sets Johnny up on a couch. He keeps trying to get rid of her, but she's her usual clueless self. Johnny's mother strolls in, apparently finished with work at 8 in the morning. What the hell job does she have that makes her go on weekend trips, work the night shift, AND not be able to go pick up her son from the hospital? Is she a hooker? And for that matter, why couldn't Johnny have just waited for his mom to get out of work before he was discharged? She obviously only had a few minutes left on her shift anyway. This is stupid. Johnny's mom is thrilled to meet the Marissa Cooper Johnny's told her so much about, indicating to me that Johnny hasn't really told his mother all that much about her. Johnny's mother calls Marissa "gorgeous," and I guess that, after letting Tate Donovan direct the last episode, they've decided to allow Mischa Barton write this week's. Johnny's mom claims to work the night shift at a nursing home, which still doesn't explain what the hell she was doing in San Jose last week, but whatever. Johnny wants Marissa to leave so that she can make it to class on time, but his mother asks her to stay for her announcement that has nothing to do with Marissa whatsoever: she got Johnny an appointment with "the best sports medicine doctor in all of Orange County." Johnny's thrilled -- until Mom tells him that he'll have to wait a few months to see him. He'll miss the surfing tour, which Johnny apparently didn't realize would happen when he found out that he destroyed his knee. "I did the best I could," Mom says pathetically. Good thing they've got Marissa the Selfless Hero around!
Summer plops down to Seth and says that it turns out that she's "totally smart!" "In your own way," Seth says condescendingly. My Seth love, it cools. "Apparently, I have a lot of what they call 'aptitude,'" Summer continues, undaunted by her boyfriend's jealous asshole behavior. Dr. Kim informed her that, every once in a while, they have a female student who's smart but didn't try very hard because she was more interested in "boys, shopping, and celebrity gossip." And I now officially hate this storyline. Anyway, Dr. Kim thinks that if Summer pulls her grades up, she'll be able to get into Brown, and then she and Seth will be able to go to the same school! "Wouldn't that be awesome?!" Summer cries. "Yeah," Seth says, not at all convincing. And I'm sure Brown won't hold it against Summer that she never bothered to try in school except when she wanted to look good for colleges. Summer says that she's really into going to Brown now that she found out you can make your own major there and they have cute school colors or something. ["Let me guess: one of them is brown?" -- Wing Chun] There's a meeting for prospective students tomorrow. They agree to attend it together, and then sit down to read some of Seth's Kierkegaard, now that they're both smart dorks.
Sandy and Matt are having a NewNewport meeting at the Cohen house even though, last I checked, the NewNewport Group has its own offices. Kirsten interrupts to ask if they want Thai for dinner, and Matt says that Sandy and Kirsten are "almost painful" to be around because they're so happy together. That's not exactly a compliment, but Sandy takes it as one and says he's looking forward to meeting Matt's girlfriend once she moves to Newport from Chicago. Matt looks uncomfortable. Seth and Ryan walk in, and Sandy introduces them to Matt. Seth isn't at all interested in the work stuff, but Ryan sits down, looks at the scale model of the proposed low-income housing project, and suggests adding a wall somewhere to make a courtyard. Matt immediately offers Ryan an internship with a "prestigious development company," and Ryan asks which one. Okay, he doesn't, but I would have loved him if he had. I kind of doubt the NewNewport Group -- home of, like, four employees and on the brink of bankruptcy -- is all that "prestigious." But they could definitely use the free labor, so Sandy approves the idea. Matt tells Ryan to cancel his dinner plans with Marissa and get to work.
Over at Johnny's house, Marissa looks up orthopedic surgeons on a laptop of mysterious origin, seeing as it's probably not Poor Johnny's, and Marissa trashed hers just last week. Also, Marissa is sitting, like, side-saddle in front of it, which can't be good for her posture, not like it could get much worse. She finds a doctor who works at a hospital her mother has been involved with, and wonders if she can get a favor from him. Johnny tells her to stop helping him, but Marissa says it's not like she's ever going to "decide to become a surfer, get hit by a bus, need surgery, and then realize [she] used [her] one big favor with the best doctor in town." Seriously, what is it with people talking about getting hit by buses? My guess is, Johnny was supposed to get hit by a bus in an earlier script, but then they changed it to a convertible after realizing how unintentionally hilarious that would have been, and forgot to change the other scripts. Either that, or someone on the writing staff thinks that buses and convertibles are the same. Probably the same person who thinks you can be as airheaded as Summer and then get an almost perfect score on the SATs.
Summer arrives at Johnny's to pick Marissa up, and she really is the nicest friend in the entire universe for being Marissa's personal chauffeur and letting her stay in her house for months on end like that. Marissa's phone rings, so she walks outside to answer it, leaving Summer standing in the living room with Johnny. "You have to help me," he whispers. Ha! No one can take being around Marissa for long periods of time! Oh, actually, Johnny's problem is that Marissa is being way too helpful and spending too much time with him. Summer says that Marissa does tend to be "a little clingy." Yeah, like when she insists on sleeping in your bed with you even though there are plenty of guest rooms in the mansion. Johnny says it isn't that he doesn't like Marissa's attention -- it's that he likes it too much. Summer is thrilled at first, because it means that she was totally right when she called it before. Wow, she really is smart after all. Johnny makes Summer promise not to tell anyone what he said. I don't understand why he told all of this to Summer, who he barely knows, as opposed to, say, Chili or his mother. I guess he just had to get it off his chest. Although now that he's lost that extra weight, he is in danger of floating away. Eat a sandwich, Johnny. Hey, it's only fair that I make fun of the emaciated boys and girls equally.
The morning, Summer and Marissa are off to school. Marissa thanks Summer for driving her to school, and then makes a special request to be picked up after school at Johnny's house, where she's going to drop off his homework. She also asks Summer to ask her doctor dad to pull some strings to get Johnny a doctor. For someone who asks for so much, Marissa sure does give very little in return. Summer suggests that Marissa maybe not spend so much time with Johnny, but Marissa says that Johnny doesn't have anyone else. His mom is "sweet," but too poor to be any good. Shut up, Marissa. Johnny has plenty of people to help him, and he's been pretty vocal about wanting you not to be one of them, so take a hint and start trying to take care of the other people in your life, like the boyfriend you neglect or the best friend you constantly mooch off. Or your mother, whom you haven't spoken to in like four episodes. Summer agrees to talk to her dad, figuring that the sooner Johnny's knee is taken care of, the sooner he won't need Marissa to be his "nursemaid." Marissa says she actually likes being a nursemaid. In fact, she's thinking of becoming a nurse. Summer laughs at her, now that's she all smart and superior and stuff.
Seth tries to deflect his insecurities about his relationship with Summer by accusing Ryan of having problems with Marissa, but Ryan sees right through him and tells him to stop trying to compete with Summer over who's smarter. "Do you think Summer would win?" Seth asks, not getting it. Ryan just stares at him, and then walks away. He doesn't have time for this! He's an intern for a prestigious development company!
Kirsten and Julie meet for lunch. Kirsten's all business, but Julie is distracted by things like crab cakes and sweet corn ravioli. Julie's inattentiveness puts Kirsten at Annoyance Level 2, but she should really give Julie a break here. I don't think Julie can afford to eat anymore, so she's probably kind of starving. Kirsten leaves to get some more papers from her car, and orders Julie to do some work while she's gone. Julie pretends to look at a spreadsheet, and then, as soon as Kirsten's gone, turns her attention toward a guy at the bar. They exchange flirty smiles, and then the guy invites her to join him for a drink. Julie turns him down, saying that her partner is coming right back. "Then maybe I can buy you both drinks," he answers, not able to believe his amazing good fortune. "She's an alcoholic," Julie explains, and I'll bet Kirsten would be freaking thrilled if she knew Julie was going around telling complete strangers about her issues like that. But at least Julie remembers that Kirsten had an alcohol problem, unlike everyone else on this show, including Kirsten. The guy invites himself to sit down at Julie's table, and asks about her and Kirsten's business. I can't decide if he's ruder or nosier. Kirsten walks in and sees Julie flirting with a guy, and is now at Annoyance Level 5. She walks up to the pair, and Julie introduces her to Jeff, whom she invited to join them for lunch. Kirsten makes a "say WHAT?" face and goes to Annoyance Level 8 until Julie adds that Jeff hired them to cater a dinner party at his house -- for $5000. Looks like Julie isn't quite a business slacker after all!
Meanwhile, former school slacker Summer arrives at the Brown thing with her boyfriend in tow. Some snotty girls comment that they didn't expect to see her there, because no one at Harbor appears to have any class. Or classes, really. They spend an awful lot of time on those leather couches. Seth comments that Summer doesn't have to go to this Brown event "just" for him. "Oh, this isn't about you," Summer responds. I applaud her for this. Seth says that Brown has been his dream "for years," even though Brown specifically has only actually been his dream school since last week. Summer says that she's excited to have a dream for the first time in her life. She feels like she can actually be someone, like the "first woman in space" or Nobel prize winner. Now, I really haven't watched enough of this show to say whether or not this whole Summer-is-a-genius story really works, but I have seen enough to say that the girl shows absolutely no intellectual curiosity, which is kind of more important and necessary to academic achievement, I think, than untapped potential. I also don't see how someone who doesn't even know what we all learned back in, like, first grade about Sally Ride can have the vocabulary mastery to do well on the SATs, potential aside. Although, apparently, they've done away with the analogy section of the SATs, so maybe you don't need to know vocabulary anymore? And don't they have to take those SATIIs? Most top-level schools require them, although maybe Brown is an exception. I didn't realize that the admissions process there is need-blind now until someone in the forums pointed it out. It's been a good thirty years since I attended college, and much has changed. Anyway, Seth points out that women have already gone to space and that Summer doesn't know how to pronounce "Nobel," and furthermore, a woman won that prize back in 1903, when Marie Curie discovered radium. This was, of course, followed by her less-fortunate discovery of radium's effects on the human body when she went blind and had radioactive hands and died of cancer. Whoops! Summer is hurt, saying, "I think you've made your point," and marching off to check out Brown for herself and by herself.
Matt and Ryan work, sort of. Ryan notices that Matt is a little distracted. I don't know why Ryan cares about this, since I certainly don't and I'd bet that the majority of the audience doesn't either. Who is Matt? I don't care! Go away! If I wanted to watch a show about young and hungry business people, I'd watch The Apprentice! Matt says he moved to Orange County from Chicago for this job, and asked his girlfriend to join him out there as his wife. She said no. She is my new favorite character. Matt doesn't want this to affect his job, so he hasn't told Sandy about it. Sandy comes in and says he's got some extra work for them, regarding some upcoming legislature that I really don't care about. It means Matt will have twice as much work to do and less than a day to do it, since the investors are coming tomorrow, even though it's a weekend and no one except the NewNewport Group and Johnny's mother does business on the weekend. "Fourteen hours, laptop, coffee -- Ryan and I are good to go," Matt promises. Ryan's sitting there all "'Ryan and I'? Fuck that -- I'm an intern!" Actually, he just says they should let Sandy know if they can't get the work done in time. Matt says they're taking a "little field trip" instead.
The Brown meeting is called to order. The Brown representative guy announces that he enjoyed meeting everyone, but that he should point out that Brown usually only accepts one Harbor student a year. "I wish I could admit you all, but enjoy the event!" he says, totally insincerely. Also, way to announce that at the end of the meeting instead of the beginning. ["Also...what? How can they discriminate against students just for attending the same school as whichever one gets in?" -- Wing Chun] Seth and Summer exchange worried looks, and then Summer calls the Brown guy over and asks him what makes a student stand out when applying to Brown. I'm thinking the fact that you have to ask a question like that makes you stand out, although probably not in a good way. "Besides good grades," Seth adds. "And high SAT scores," Summer finishes. Brown Guy says it takes a "hook." Man, those handicapped kids get all the luck! Oh, wait -- he didn't mean a literal hook; he meant...
...something about cellos that got cut off in mid-sentence so we could join yet another Marissa 'n Johnny scene, already in progress. Marissa gets Johnny an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon week, thanks to Summer's dad's doctor connections. Johnny's mom is thrilled, and invites Marissa over for dinner. Marissa says she can't stay, since she's supposed to have dinner with her real boyfriend. ["That's not the reason I would guess for why Marissa wouldn't accept a dinner invitation." -- Wing Chun] Mom says that Marissa can invite Ryan over and they can order in and play board games. More like BORED games. Marissa's phone rings. It's Ryan. "Probably wondering where you are," Johnny mumbles pointedly. "No, he knows!" Marissa responds breezily. Johnny doesn't want you around, dear. Get the hint. Marissa invites Ryan over to Johnny's. On the other end of the line, Ryan says that sounds great, and he'll be over as soon as he can. He looks up at the building Matt has taken him to -- a club called "Bare Elegance" -- and says that they should start without him.
Just in case you couldn't tell be the name, Bare Elegance is a strip club. The bouncer is familiar with Matt and lets him by, but stops underage Ryan, who looks relieved. It's short-lived, though, as Matt slips the bouncer some money and Ryan is allowed in. We have our obligatory camera zooms in and out of shots of modestly-clad "strippers" (hey, it's network TV and it's eight o'clock -- I guess we can't expect much. Although if you looked really really carefully a few weeks back, you could, apparently, see Mischa Barton's nipple) and their adoring male fans. Ryan asks Matt what the hell they're doing there. Maybe it's research. I'll bet we'll see Johnny's mom if we stay long enough. Matt claims that he does some of his best thinking at this strip club. Makes sense, since there's not much going on in the way of actual stripping to distract him. Really, really smart bringing your boss's underaged son to a freaking strip club, there, Matt. But I guess that's what happens when you let your son's internship include an all-nighter on a weekend, Sandy. A stripper named Lilly strolls up and greets her favorite customer by sitting on his lap. Matt says he needs some "one-on-one" time with her. Ryan begs him to just go back to the office, but Matt says he needs to recharge his batteries and let off a little steam and takes off, paying a stripper dressed in a police uniform to give Ryan a lap dance. "I'm Sipowicz," she giggles. I doubt it -- Sipowicz wears much less clothing. "Hi, Sipowicz," Ryan sighs. He's the only teenaged boy whose sex drive is less powerful than his sense of familial loyalty.
Seth comes home to Sandy and Kirsten in the kitchen and notes that whatever Kirsten's cooking actually smells good for once. You know, if we weren't all supposed to pretend Kirsten's alcoholism and rehab never happened, I'd be kind of annoyed at Seth for being such an asshole about his mother's attempts to get her life back in order by learning to cook. Kirsten says that the food is for her business, not her family, and asks Seth why he's carrying a pirate costume. "Summer and I are in a war," Seth answers. Sandy immediately looks up from his paper. "A pirate war?" he asks, hilariously hopeful and excited. Seth explains that he's trying to get a hook to get into Brown. "Oh, you mean like a Captain Hook!" Sandy says. Seth shoots him a withering glare. The doorbell rings, which sucks because I would have been very happy if the rest of this episode were devoted to Sandy's love of pirate wars, because that was maybe the best thing I've ever seen on this show. Seth goes off to answer the door, and Kirsten turns to Sandy and asks how Stupid Summer expects to get into Brown. "She did save Chrismukkah," Sandy says. Hee. He adds that Ryan is spending the evening with Matt, who Sandy believes will be a "good role model" for his son.
Obviously, we're going to cut to Ryan getting a lapdance to Billy Squire's ridiculous hit single "The Stroke." Sipowicz is going to town with the dry-humping. Ryan is uncomfortable. His phone rings, and he's happy for the distraction, until Sipowicz volunteers to get his cell phone out of his pocket for him. Ryan makes a variety of facial expressions and loses the power of speech as Sipowicz digs around his pants for the phone. Best acting Ben McKenzie has ever done. She pulls the phone out, but won't let him answer it.
Marissa leaves a message on Ryan's phone, asking him where he is. "It's getting kinda late," she says. Wow, Ryan is going to be in big trouble when he gets the bill for all those lap dances. Matt only paid for one, and apparently, Ryan's been having them for hours. And even that is more interesting to me than is Marissa, and I truly do find strippers very boring. Not as boring as Ryan seems to find them, though. Marissa hangs up and lies back on the couch, where Johnny is asleep. She puts a blanket over him. Johnny's head slumps on her shoulder. She gently pushes it off and tries to watch the movie -- Rebel Without A Cause. Johnny's head falls back onto Marissa's shoulder. If he can't stay awake during these boring-ass "Marissa and Johnny are friends BUT ARE THEY SOMETHING MORE?" scenes, then I don't know how I can be expected to.
Back at the strip club, Sipowicz has moved on to a customer who will appreciate her combination pocket massage and cell-phone-retrieval services. Ryan checks his watch, and then goes outside to call Marissa.
Cut to Johnny's house, where the TV has gone static after the Ghosts of Everyone Associated With Rebel Without A Cause came back from the dead to stop their superior product from having any more affiliation with this show. The music is ominous as Marissa's phone rings and rings. The camera pans over to where, judging by the setup, you'd expect to see Marissa and Johnny making out. But they're just sleeping on the couch. Actually, I don't know if Johnny's asleep. He could be dead after impaling his skull on the sharp, bony protrusion that is Marissa's shoulder. I'd hope for that, but then I know we'd all be subjected to fifteen subsequent episodes dealing with Marissa's trauma over accidentally killing her friend. We watch Johnny and Marissa sleep for a few minutes so that I can fully absorb the irony here of Marissa and Johnny, who usually put me to sleep, having been put to sleep themselves after watching someone else's teen melodrama. Also, zzzzzzzz.
The morning, Summer's in her closet, wrestling with a huge case. Marissa enters the room and flops onto Summer's bed. Summer demands to know where Marissa was all night, and Marissa is kind of annoyed at the question, because it's not like she's staying in someone else's house for free or anything like that and therefore shouldn't have to tell her where she's spending the night so that her hostess won't worry. Marissa says that she fell asleep...at Johnny's. Summer is concerned. Marissa tries to change the subject to the huge case in Summer's arms. She explains that it's for her tuba, which she learned to play at the band camp she secretly went to in fifth grade. So there's a hint that Summer does have interests in things she's stereotypically not supposed to. A couple more of those, and I'll be able to buy her newfound intelligence. Summer asks if Ryan knows about Marissa's nocturnal activities. "Know what?" Ryan's voice inquires. Ryan appears in the doorway after apparently letting himself into someone else's house without so much as calling beforehand. Didn't he used to get arrested for that kind of stuff? Ring the doorbell, dude. Marissa tries to cover by saying "that movie last night" was "bad," because she has absolutely no taste in anything. Don't be dumping on Rebel Without A Cause, when your acting more closely resembles actual wood than it does Natalie Wood. Marissa asks Ryan what happened to him last night, and Summer snottily asks the same question. Ryan shoots her a confused look, and Summer leaves her OWN BEDROOM, saying that this is none of her business. Ryan and Marissa tell each other what they did last night, both conveniently omitting certain details, and Ryan doesn't even notice that Marissa is wearing the same clothes she was wearing the day before.
The investors have arrived at the NewNewport group, but Matt is nowhere to be found. He arrives, unshaven and unwashed, claiming he didn't hear his alarm go off. Ryan is uncomfortable because he knows the truth. Sandy snaps at Matt to clean up and get ready for their presentation, and walks away. After one second in which Sandy could not have possibly gotten out of earshot, Matt thanks Ryan for not busting him about last night.
The Harbor Marching Band walks down a hallway in full uniform, even though they're only supposed to be practicing today. Summer, too, is in uniform, and she slides into the line with her tuba. Only one person notices the sudden appearance of the tiny girl with the huge brass instrument. Summer says she was hoping she could play with the band and be asked to join it, because college admissions people totally don't notice when someone joins a bunch of extracurricular activities in their senior year in the hopes of making their application look extra-good. Right. Also, how the hell did Summer get hold of the marching band's uniforms? And does she really think she'll just automatically be able to play the tuba again after a quite a few years away from it, and know how to play any of the band's songs or know their choreography? It's completely ridiculous and stupid, but it's kind of worth it to see Summer with a tuba and Sandy's comment about pirate wars, so I'll stop bitching.
Summer comes upon Seth, dressed in his pirate costume, begging a random cheerleader to let him be the school's mascot. Random Cheerleader tells him that they've already got a mascot, and furthermore, Seth's peg leg, which he has decided to use as a pointer rather than as, you know, a peg leg, is "creeping [her] out." Summer confronts him and asks him what he thinks he's doing. Seth points out that she's wearing a tuba, so she can't really talk. She leaves to go to the band practice she'll no doubt be immediately kicked out of, knocking her tuba into Seth on her way past him. He responds by poking her with his peg leg. She screams in protest. "You just whacked me with your tuba!" he says. "You just jabbed me with your peg leg!" she retorts. "It was a tap, you little whacker!" Seth says. "It was a jab, jabber!" Summer cries. They sigh because they realize how ridiculous they both are. Summer asks Seth why he has to be better than her at everything. As sad music plays, he tells her, "That's just it, Summer -- I'm not better than you at everything. There's one thing that I was better at." This would have had slightly more emotional impact if Seth wasn't wearing an eye patch and a hoop earring, but the point still got across.
The NewNewport Group does its boring presentation for some impatient investors. Matt totally sucks out when it comes to the part about the alternate scenario because he spent last night with a stripper instead of working on it. The investors are annoyed and unimpressed. Sandy tries to cover for Matt, but it doesn't work. The investors leave, one of them saying "I don't believe this" as she walks by, like, save that stuff for when you leave the meeting room, Miss Unprofessional. Matt stammers out an apology and runs away. Sandy asks Ryan if he has anything to tell him. Busted!
Marissa goes to visit her boyfriend because she cares about him and their relationship. Just kidding! She's actually at Johnny's house, where her knock at his door causes him to drop a glass on the floor, slip on the water, and writhe around in intense pain and wishes he were rich enough to afford Corelle. Although I don't have a knee injury caused by being hit by a buscar, my reaction to Marissa's entrance into scenes is very similar.
Kirsten and Julie enter Jeff's house with their food and party decorations. They're both surprised to see that Jeff's party is guest-less. Jeff explains that that's because he only invited one person -- Julie. Julie is shocked. Kirsten is at Annoyance Level 9. Jeff says he'll pay them for their hard work. He just wants to get to know Julie a little better. I'm trying to decide whether that's really sweet or really creepy. Kirsten thinks it's creepy, and starts to take her things to leave, but Julie thinks it's sweet, and is probably kind of excited at the amount of disposable income Jeff must have to be able to spend $5000 of it on a date, and decides to stay. She takes his hand, and Kirsten, at Annoyance Level 10, tells them they can serve themselves.
We're back at the strip club, where the dancers sport full-length dresses and turtleneck shirts and the men couldn't be more titillated! Sandy and Ryan enter and find Matt with Lilly the Stripper. Sandy's super-pissed. "I'm so sorry," Matt starts, like that could undo any of the damage he's already done. Just give up, dude. You're screwed. Sandy says he would have been okay with Matt's not being prepared for the meeting, and maybe even with the fact that the reason why he was unprepared was because he spent the evening at a strip club that he also brought Sandy's teenage son to, but what really boils his lobster is the fact that Matt lied to his face. You guys, Sandy is not a very good father. He really, really isn't. I love him, but come on. He should be more upset about Matt taking Ryan to the strip club and buying him a freaking lapdance than he is about being lied to. "You're fired," Sandy says. Ryan objects, apparently thinking that he lives in Bizarro World, where telling your dad/boss that the guy you're interning with took you to a strip club would have gotten Matt a promotion. Sandy cuts Ryan off with a "don't think you don't have anything to be sorry about." In the future, Sandy, please limit your parental attempts to talking about pirate wars.
Johnny's all doped up on painkillers. Marissa runs around his house, trying to assemble a makeshift ice pack for him. Where the hell is Johnny's mother? It's Sunday and it's daytime -- she can't possibly be at work. Sadly, however, she's still a better parent than most of the people on this show. "You know, Marissa, you're really making this hard," Johnny slurs. "Making what hard?" Marissa asks. I've run out of things to say about how goddamn oblivious she is. I mean, "making this hard"?!?!? What the hell else do you NEED?! Apparently, Marissa needs it spelled out for her, so Johnny tells her "the truth": "I really like you." "Okay, I really like you too!" Marissa says. Seriously, how does her skull stay together and not collapse into the giant empty cavity where her brain is supposed to be? How does someone this stupid even remember to put pants on in the morning?! Maybe this explains why she never wears a bra -- she's too stupid to figure out how to put it on. "I mean, I like you, like you. I think I'm in love with you," Johnny explains. We cut to a commercial, blessedly sparing us from seeing the three hours of this scene where Johnny has to explain to Marissa what, exactly, he meant by that.
The morning, Seth enters the poolhouse and asks Ryan how his internship and relationship with Marissa are going; then, with Ryan's life cleared away and the appearance of caring about others achieved, Seth moves on to to discussing his own problems. He's worried that, now that he's lost the one quality he thought Summer was impressed with, she won't like him anymore. Awww! Ryan tells Seth that he has plenty of attractive qualities, but has a tricky time actually naming any besides his being kind of funny and good at grilling. So he settles for saying that Summer doesn't want to be Seth, she wants to be with him. Time to apologize! Ryan is headed to Sandy's office to do some apologizing, too. He asks Seth for a ride. "Why don't we have cars?" Seth wonders, his finger, yet again, on the pulse of the viewing audience.
The phone wakes Marissa up. It wakes Summer up, too, because she and Marissa still share the same bed. I know Marissa's all traumatized by the almost-rape, and all, but can't she just get some freaking therapy for it already?! Summer is a saint for putting up with this, but kind of a sap, too. She warns Marissa not to answer the phone if it's Johnny, but Marissa doesn't want Johnny to think she's mad at him. She's figuring that Johnny won't even remember what he said to her because he was all doped up and it's "not a big deal." Ask Ryan if it's a big deal, Marissa. (Off-camera, please.) Summer says that she knows Johnny's love confession was legitimate, because he told her too, and without having the high-on-painkillers excuse. "What am I gonna do?" Marissa whines. Summer tells her just to stay away from Johnny, showing that Summer may, indeed, be as smart as her SAT scores say she is.
Ryan enters Sandy's office. Sandy grumbles that those investors aren't returning his calls, so they can pretty much write that project off. Doesn't that sort of end the NewNewport Group, since Matt said they had "no margin for error" when they decided to fire four people instead of nine? Then again, Matt spends time in strip clubs and then wonders why his girlfriend didn't want to marry him, so he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He's a fucking Ginsu when compared to Marissa, though. Sandy wonders what happened to Matt, and Ryan tells him how his girlfriend dumped him for taking the job. Sandy isn't very sympathetic, since he expects his adult employees to act like adults and deal with their problems in a mature and non-destructive manner. "He didn't want anyone to know," a woman says, entering the office. I guess the security staff were among those four people who got fired. The woman is Lilly the Stripper, who's more scantily clad in her short-sleeved polo shirt than she was at the strip club. Even though NO ONE CARES about Matt or his problems or Lilly's involvement with them, she explains that she and Matt are old college friends, and Sandy and Ryan are both amazed that a stripper would go to college. She calls them out on that and says she's stripping to pay for law school, because that's a really good idea. Who wouldn't want to hire a law-school grad with a past like that? But it's not like she could have gotten a more reputable job or taken out a loan to pay for school or anything like that. She really didn't have a choice, did she? Anyway, now that Lilly has established herself as worthy enough to speak to Sandy and Ryan, she explains that she doesn't strip for Matt -- they "talk." While she's sitting on his lap. And sometimes his phone rings and she has to get it out of his pocket for him. She says Matt's been under a lot of pressure lately, and that this job means everything to him, and that she thinks he just "crashed and burned." Oh well, too bad he didn't crash and burn like a normal functional adult and not corrupt any minors in the process, right? Because it doesn't make a difference now, right? Lilly says that she can get them another meeting with those investors, if they want. She's got stripper connections!
Summer goes for the door, calling out to her dad and "Gloria" (has the name of the StepMonster ever been revealed before? Honestly, I don't know) that she's headed to Seth's. Well, at least Summer's parents pretend to care about her whereabouts. She opens the front door to find Seth already standing there. He wants to apologize. She's willing to listen. Seth says that Summer is "superior" to him in so many ways, and that he just flipped out when he found out that there was yet another one. Summer says that she will always admire Seth, no matter what. They decide that this could be the year Brown admits two Harbor candidates. I would hope so, considering I always thought prestigious and expensive private schools like Harbor were feeder schools for top-tier colleges. My college was only half the size of Brown, and at least five people in my freshman class came from the same Berkeley-area private school, so I would've thought the possibility of their taking more than one Harbor student wouldn't be such a reach. Also, note to Summer and Seth: apply early decision for the best chance of getting in.
Sandy finds Matt packing his desk. Matt says he feels horrible. Sandy says that Matt should have told him that he couldn't handle the work instead of screwing the company and corrupting his son's morals. Matt sadly says that he'll keep that in mind for future jobs. "Be here at 8 AM on Monday," Sandy says. He's giving Matt one more chance for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom.
Julie arrives at Kirsten's house and complains about her date. Jeff wasn't a very good kisser or conversationalist, which explains why he has to go to such great lengths to get a date with trailer trash, I guess. She apologizes for being so unprofessional, but Kirsten points out that they did get paid, so their first business venture was a success. And it's given Kirsten a new business idea now that she sees that there are rich men out there who are willing to pay for the right woman. Julie gasps and sits up, so excited about where she thinks Kirsten is going with this: "High-class call-girl operation? I love it!" she says. Well, of course she does. I'll bet Law School Lilly the Stripper wouldn't be averse to working for them, either. Kirsten says she was thinking more along the lines of a high-end dating service. Julie's enthusiasm is somewhat dampened, but she still likes the idea. I don't know why they didn't just give us an hour of repeated clips of Sandy being all excited about pirate wars and Julie loving the idea of becoming a madam. I would have given that an A+, people.
Marissa heads for Summer's convertible, which she apparently gets to drive now. Seriously, Summer, kick the moocher out! Don't be a doormat! Johnny pulls up in the driveway, having been driven to the mansion by his mother, whose insane work schedule miraculously doesn't include Sunday nights. He apologizes for just showing up, but she wasn't answering his calls, so he didn't have a choice. Marissa cuts him off and says that they should just chalk last night up to the painkillers and forget about it: "Those pills can really mess with your head. Believe me -- I should know." Yes, they apparently made her brain disappear. Johnny says that he didn't mean to say what he said, although he did mean what he said. And he hopes things aren't weird between them now. If that's true, then he really should have just said what Marissa wanted him to say about forgetting about it, but he had to go and say he meant it, so, sorry, Johnny. You lose. Not even Marissa is this stupid. She says that they can still be friends. They just won't be spending any time together. Johnny is sad. Marissa hugs him to lead him on.
Music montage! Seth and Summer work on their application essays in Seth's room. Ryan and Marissa drive despite not actually owning cars. Seth and Summer seal their application envelopes. Ryan enters Summer's bedroom, but no one's there. Marissa walks up to the empty poolhouse. Seth and Summer hold hands and make their way to the mailbox with their application envelopes. "Whomever gets in, I still love you," Summer says. "And I still love you," Seth says. They mail the envelopes and kiss. Awww! As they walk away, Seth explains why Summer's use of "whomever" was grammatically incorrect in that case, and Summer kicks him viciously. That wasn't so awww.
Marissa has let herself into the poolhouse. She sits on Ryan's bed and takes out her phone to call him. He calls her before she gets the chance. You see, Marissa, when you're nourished, you have the strength to do things like dial people's phone numbers. Ryan has made himself right at home in Summer's bedroom, sitting on her bed and playing with Princess Sparkle. In many ways, Ryan and Marissa are perfect for each other. When they get married, they can ask people to send money instead of gifts and have a cash bar at the reception and be rude for the rest of their lives together! They decide to talk to each other over the phone rather than see each other in person, because they like each other about as much as they like physical affection. They start to share stories of their strange weekends. Marissa tells Ryan how she fell asleep on the couch with Johnny, "and then the night..." she starts, and the show mercifully fades out before we all sink into Boredom Comas.