Everyone has something to learn in this episode. Sandy realizes that Seth doesn't want to go to Berkeley, or to college anywhere else on the west coast. Seth and Summer realize that their college plans are very different, and that their relationship might not last past high school because of it. Ryan realizes that he actually has to face making college plans and think about leaving what has become his home. Kirsten realizes that a life of sober domesticity isn't for her after all, and also that 7 'n 7 was a con artist, and that Julie was in on the plan with her. Julie realizes that she can't afford to live in a luxurious condo, and has to move to a trashy trailer park with Gus the Awesome Landlord, and that Kirsten is a true and forgiving friend indeed when Kirsten shakes off the fact that Julie was involved in 7's scam and proposes that the two women start their own business that will get Kirsten out of the kitchen and Julie out of the trailer park. Johnny realizes that his post-high school plans to surf professionally conflict with his busted knee, acquired when My New Favorite Character Besides Gus runs him over. Taylor Townsend realizes that being antagonistic and cruel is not a good way to make friends, and decides to give up on getting Seth and try being a real friend to Summer. Marissa doesn't really learn anything, and gets to trash Summer's bedroom and destroy a valuable laptop while doing it.
Seth and Ryan have their pre-school breakfast at the diner. Both are stressing over some college forms that are due today, and that neither of them has finished filling out. Summer and Marissa show up; Summer, too, freaks out because, like Seth and Ryan, she forgot to fill out the form for the college counselor. Waiting until the very last second to start school work? Sounds like they're all ready for college to me! Seth strokes Summer's hair affectionately, reminding us all that they are, in fact, a couple, then talks about how excited he is at the prospect of leaving Newport for a college in a place with real people and seasons. On the other end of the enthusiasm spectrum is, of course, Marissa, who sulkily says she won't be going to college. She doesn't think she has a chance at getting in anywhere what with her "background" and "history." Looks like we'll be spending yet another episode dealing with Marissa's problems. Fan-fucking-tastic!
Kirsten complains that she's sick of spending her days alone in the kitchen. Sandy tells her she should start getting used to an empty house, since Seth and Ryan will be leaving for college soon. Fortunately, Sandy says, "Seth will be right up the road at Berkeley!" Well, not quite "right up the road" -- Berkeley's a good eight hours away from Newport. But I guess it's still closer to them than New England is. Way to want your real son to go to your alma mater and not seem to care about your adopted one, there, Sandy. Kirsten points out that Seth hates Newport and used to beg his parents to let him go to boarding school on the East Coast. She doesn't think he's going to want to stay in California now that he finally has the chance to leave it. He's never even said that he wants to go to Berkeley. "But he never said he didn't!" Sandy says, and runs out of there before Kirsten can say anything else that he doesn't want to hear. Kirsten stands in the kitchen, alone and bored.
Over at P-blik Skool, Chili announces to Marissa that Johnny is on the cusp of joining the PacWest professional surfing team. "That's great. Congratulations," Marissa says. Try not to care too much, there, Marissa. It's only your almost-boyfriend's dream come true. Chili actually calls Marissa out on her lack of acting talent and tells her to sound happier and more excited about this, like this show hasn't been trying to do just that for the last two and a half years now. Thanks for trying to help, though, Chili. And just in case you thought Chili's happiness for Johnny was purely selfless, he does have an ulterior motive -- he'll get to be in Johnny's "entourage," meaning that while Johnny travels all over the world surfing, Chili will get to go with him and sit back and enjoy the VIP parties. Marissa obviously couldn't give a crap about something that is important to someone else, but gamely tries to be excited for Johnny and Chili. She leaves. "Something's wrong with her," Johnny says. I'm still trying to figure out if Marissa's indifference to Johnny's success is intentional, or just Mischa Barton being bored, or just me being bored.
The three Harbor students see their college counselor in separate scenes. She asks them what they want out of college. Seth wants cold weather. Summer wants "365 Sundays," and not the day after Saturday kind, either. Since when did Summer become such a fan of ice cream? Ryan has no idea. Seth doesn't want to go someplace with jocks. Summer wants to join a sorority. Ryan has no idea. Seth would like to go to school in New England. Summer wants to go to Arizona, Hawaii, or, if possible, Cabo. If she's going to base her college choices on climate rather than anything else, she might as well go to Addis Ababa University in Ethiopia. I hear it's very sunny and warm over there. Ryan still has no idea. He tells the counselor that he has been giving this a lot of thought, but as the first person in his family to graduate high school, let alone go to college, "it's a lot." Plus, no one seems to really care or want to help him figure it out (ahem SandyandKirsten ahem). Poor Ryan.
Kirsten and Julie have coffee over at Julie's condo, which she amazingly still lives in despite having no money. Julie lies that 7 'n 7 had to leave town suddenly because her father called and said there was an emergency. Kirsten finds this odd, considering how estranged 7 'n 7 claimed she and her dad were. Julie quickly changes the subject and asks Kirsten how she's doing. Kirsten starts to say that she's "losing her mind" being stuck at home, then notices that Julie is paying more attention to a stubborn creamer packet than she is to Kirsten. The self-absorbed apple doesn't far very fair from the self-absorbed tree, I see. Kirsten thinks Julie's hiding something from her. The doorbell rings, and Julie happily takes advantage of the excuse to leave the table. Her landlord or whoever runs expensive condos is at the door, demanding Julie's $10,000 rent check (doesn't Julie own the place? Shouldn't that be a mortgage payment?) or things will get very ugly. Kirsten runs up and asks what's going on, like, I know you're lonely, Kirsten, but that's no excuse for snooping! Julie slams the door in her landlord's face with an "I don't need any, thanks!" She lies that it was just a steak knives saleswoman.
Seth proudly tells Ryan that he's found the perfect college: Brown University. The college counselor told Seth he has a very good chance at getting in because, Seth says, he's "awesome." And rich. That always helps when the college's admission decisions aren't need-blind. Ryan tells Seth to tell Sandy that he doesn't want to go to Berkeley. Seth provides us with an example of how that conversation would go: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley. Where'd you get a gun?" Ryan laughs, but his happiness is short-lived, because he's upset about Marissa. Seth urges him to use his "powers of persuasion" to convince her to go to college, but Ryan says he doesn't seem to have any since returning to Harbor. Oh, come on, Ryan -- you never had any. The bell rings, and Seth jumps over the back of the couch. Ryan protests Seth's poor treatment of the furniture, but Seth says, "I don't give a crap about this school! I'm outta here!" And then he spits on the couch. That was cool, if unhygienic. Ryan laughs, and then grabs his phone and speed-dials someone, even though I'm pretty sure he should be in class right now. I guess "Marissa's having a crisis!" is as good as any hall pass at Harbor.
Taylor Townsend runs up to Summer and asks her to feel her forehead, 'cause she's got college fever! Summer says one of its symptoms must be being really annoying. If that's true, then Marissa must really, really want to go to college. Taylor Townsend tells Summer she should be excited -- Arizona is a great place to go to school. You see, Taylor Townsend works in the college counseling office, where she is apparently allowed to look in any student's file she wants. "I did notice that you and Seth are headed to opposite ends of the country. Boo!" she says, completely insincerely. Taylor Townsend is great. She tells Summer she's really sad for her, because long-distance relationships can be really tough. Here is where Summer should have made a comment about how Taylor Townsend should know, what with Dean Evil "back East" and all. But instead, she just stands there and takes it as Taylor Townsend says she's sure Seth and Summer have a plan for how to handle their relationship during college. After all, Seth wouldn't just run off to Rhode Island without thinking about Summer, right? If not, then Taylor Townsend thinks there's "stormy weather ahead." But Summer wanted to go to Arizona specifically to avoid bad weather! Now what is she going to do? Taylor Townsend pats Summer's shoulder and walks off, and I'm pretty sure her look of concern turned into an absolutely fantastic evil smirk right as she was walking offscreen. Summer's look of concern stays put, though.
Sandy looks at a picture of Seth as a little boy, wearing a Berkeley shirt. I wonder if they used a picture of some other kid or stuck Li'l Adam Brody's face on another kid's body. The real Adam Brody is standing in the doorway of Sandy's office. He wants to talk about college. Sandy takes this as his cue to smother Seth with more stuff about how great Berkeley is and how excited he is that his son is considering going there. Seth leaves the office, mission unaccomplished. Sandy picks up his phone and asks his secretary to get "Paul Glass at Berkeley" on the phone.
Marissa sulks and slouches all over a P-blik Skool park bench. Ryan comes up behind her and covers her eyes with his hand. Is that really the best thing to do to someone who was almost raped less than a year ago? But Marissa doesn't seem to mind, since her trauma over that event is very selective. Ryan says he wants to "hang out for a minute" before driving her home because he wants to talk about the whole college thing. Marissa says she doesn't want to, and then Johnny walks over, having "accidentally" overheard their conversation. He recommends that Marissa talk to Mr. Davidson, the P-blik Skool's guidance counselor. He's a great guy, Johnny says. "That's what I hear," Ryan agrees. Marissa finds that odd, since Harbor students generally don't discuss other schools' guidance counselors with each other. Ryan knows he's busted. Johnny smiles apologetically. Marissa is super-pissed that her boyfriend and her almost-boyfriend conspired with each other to twist her arm into going to college. "I thought you were on my side!" she whines to Ryan. Hey, Marissa -- remember when Ryan wanted to drop out of high school and not go to college and begged you to support him in that and you didn't? Karma's a BITCH!
Ryan and Johnny aren't the only conspiring duo on this show! Back home, Sandy gets off the phone and tells Kirsten that their "old friend, Paul Glass" just happens to be in town and is stopping by for dinner tomorrow. "Paul Glass as in Paul Glass from Berkeley?" Kirsten asks. How many Paul Glasses do they know? Sandy says Paul Glass actually works at Berkeley now, and Kirsten gives him a look, having figured out exactly what this dinner is about. Sandy lies that Paul Glass just happened to call him yesterday. Kirsten tells Sandy not to pressure their son into going to Berkeley, although she will allow him to "nudge." As for her, she's off to cardio bar class. Sandy's surprised that Kirsten would want to go somewhere full of Newpsies, but Kirsten says she was hoping to take Julie there and lighten her spirits. Oh, and spy: "She's keeping something from me." Sandy points out that when it comes to Julie's dirty secrets, it's usually better not knowing. Like when she plots to send your other son to jail for the rest of his life. Oh, wait, I'm sorry -- we're apparently supposed to forget that that ever happened. Kirsten and Julie are BFFs now. Fine.
Seth pretends to care about Ryan and Marissa's latest fight, and then moves onto talking about how excited he is to be leaving Newport. Ryan doesn't share his enthusiasm. He doesn't mind Newport, which makes sense, since Newport's been a lot better to him than Chino ever was. Plus he can name two things about Newport that aren't evil -- Summer and Marissa, who just happen to be walking up to the poolhouse. Summer's all business, and demands to see Seth in his bedroom immediately. For most horny teenage couples, this would mean sex, but not for Seth and Summer! They leave Ryan and Marissa to apologize to each other yet again. Ryan didn't mean to pressure Marissa. Marissa realized that he and Johnny were just trying to help her, and she made an appointment with Mr. Davidson. Yay.
Summer angrily holds up her and Seth's college lists and asks Seth if he notices a difference. Seth looks carefully, and then says they used different fonts. "The schools DOOFUS," Summer barks. "None of them are even in the same TIME ZONE!" Well, I can't imagine why Seth would want to be so far away from her. Seth doesn't see why this is a big problem, but Summer says she's been up all night worrying about it, and doesn't think it's a very good sign that Seth wasn't. "Uh..." Seth says. Summer storms out.
Who wears a designer dress and jewelry to move out of her condo? Julie Cooper! She closes up her packed U-Haul as a neighbor stops by and pretends to be disappointed to see Julie leaving them so soon. Julie lies that she was only there temporarily while her place in Balboa Estates was being renovated. "You live in the Balboa Estates and you drive your own U-Haul?" the neighbor asks incredulously. "I'm just keepin' it real," Julie says. She bids "3F" a cold goodbye and takes off. But not before Kirsten drives up and sees her. She follows the U-Haul out. I just want to know how Julie managed to move all her stuff without anyone helping her. Didn't she have furniture in that place? Maybe that dress gives her super-strength or something.
Summer asks the college counselor for some information on Brown. She knows it's a "major reach" for her, but that she wants to try to get in there anyway. The college counselor says the Brown file is checked out right now, just as Taylor Townsend walks in with that very file in hand. Way to have only one file for an Ivy League school there, Harbor. The college counselor walks off so that Taylor Townsend can laugh at Summer and her silly hope that Brown would ever take a student like her. She tells Summer not to worry -- if Brown doesn't accept her, she can always visit. "Seth and I will show you around," she says.
Mr. Davidson tells Marissa that her record looks great and that he doesn't foresee her having any problems getting into a school. "Except...I'm not sure I want to go," Marissa says. Mr. Davidson asks her why she's wasting his time, then. Because that's what Marissa does, Mr. Davidson. She wastes everyone's time and we're supposed to love her for it. Get with the program. Marissa says she doesn't want to have to explain on her applications why she got expelled from Harbor. She's been trying to forget it all, and this will make her re-live it again. Her and us. Don't go to college, Marissa. "That's a tough skeleton to have in your closet," Mr. Davidson says. That's not a skeleton, Mr. Davidson -- it's one of Marissa's size jeans. He urges her to write about the incident and "see what comes out." Aw, crap. "You can't run away from your past," he says, adding that you also can't let it ruin your future, or you're doomed to become a public-school guidance counselor who thinks that someone with an expulsion in her permanent record shouldn't be concerned about getting into college.
Speaking of running away from one's past, Julie has managed to drive right back into hers. She parks her U-Haul in the middle of a trailer park parking lot across like seven parking spaces, which should really endear her to her new neighbors. Fortunately, no one's around, apparently having been whisked away to the Land of Oz, if the apparent tornado touchdown site of a fallen power line and garbage and lawn furniture strewn about the place is anything to go by. The twangs of a white-trash guitar play as Julie tries to unpack the truck. She asks a guy for some assistance. "I ain't no bellman, lady," he says, looking his Kid Rockiest with his wifebeater, long stringy hair, and goatee of stubble. This is Julie's new landlord. "I'm Gus. Welcome to the Taj Mahal," he says with a slight Southern drawl. Because even in freaking Newport, the trailer parks are full of hicky Southerners. Julie tells him that she moved out of a trailer park when she was eighteen and never thought she'd have to live in one again. "When I was a kid, I wanted to be wide receiver for the Chargers," Gus says. "Sometimes life don't work out." The hick guitar twangs. Kirsten drives past two trailer-park residents dressed in typical hick attire (one even has a bandana on his or her head!) as she pulls into the trailer park. She sees Julie moving in. Kirsten makes a face like she saw seven puppies die.
Marissa tries to write her college application. She flashes back to the almost rape and shooting, which I refuse to link to yet again because I am sick of this show having to compensate for Mischa Barton's inability to act by playing the same montage scene over and over again to communicate what she can't show us herself. Finally, Marissa cries out and sweeps everything off the desk. Bye-bye, laptop! Don't worry, Marissa -- you can just buy a new one. After all, it's not like your family is so strapped for cash that your mom is living in a trailer park or anything, right? Hey, why don't you go give your really expensive jewelry away to a local hood again? Marissa finishes the carnage off by throwing various items from the desk to the ground. I wonder if that stuff belongs to Marissa or Summer? Marissa sobs without expelling any tears. Well, at least she did this scene better than the lawn chair one. I know that's like saying size jeans are for fatter people than jeans, but still.
Sandy enters the kitchen and announces that College Friend Paul Glass From Berkeley is coming to dinner tonight. Kirsten playfully asks him what Paul Glass is doing now. Sandy says he works at Berkeley. Seth angrily puts the newspaper down and asks if this is an ambush. Sandy says it's a "resource." "Sounds like an ambush," says Ryan, who doesn't really have to worry about that, since no one cares about his college search.
Chili and Johnny ring the Summer mansion doorbell. Marissa answers the door in less than a second and seems surprised to see them there even though she was obviously just waiting by the door for someone to stop by and tell her how great she is. Chili and Johnny invite Marissa to Johnny's surfing contest. Marissa begs off, saying she'd just be a "downer," not like that's ever stopped her before. Johnny puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as Summer walks up and observes. She runs off to tell everyone about this as, back outside, Marissa has finished telling Johnny and Chili how she can't bring herself to explain her expulsion, so she can forget about college. Chili invites her to come on tour with them instead of going to school, then, and Johnny agrees that a year off to think about stuff could be the best thing for her. Plus, they get to go to Fiji. Marissa grins and goes back inside to get ready.
Marissa finds Summer in their bedroom; she wants to know why Marissa is putting on that ugly shirt and going to a surf competition when she should be working on her essay. Summer will even let Marissa use her laptop if she promises to be gentle with it. Marissa says she's thinking of "putting off" her college search. The scene ends before we have to hear about Marissa's Emotional Problems for the 30,000th time.
Julie meets Kirsten at the Yacht Club. She says she doesn't have much time, since she's in the middle of moving to some gorgeous and expensive new home. Kirsten says she wants to go into business with Julie. She thinks they make a good team. Except for during Season 1. ["And 2." -- Wing Chun] Julie isn't buying it, and tells Kirsten she doesn't need her "charity." "Then why are you living in a trailer?" Kirsten asks, saying it like the trailer park was in Auschwitz or something. It's not the worst thing in the world to live in a trailer, and it's obvious that Julie doesn't want anyone to know about it, Kirsten. I'm sorry you're so bored, but you really need to find something better to do than spying on people. Julie's response is that Kirsten should open a detective agency, which is an AWESOME IDEA. Kirsten tells Julie that she "needs" to do something with her time, so this wouldn't be just for Julie's sake. When it's presented to her that way, Julie agrees to do it. Kirsten only has one caveat: she wants to know what really happened to 7 'n 7. Julie doesn't say anything, confirming Kirsten's worst fears that 7 relapsed. Julie decides to tell the truth: "She couldn't. Because she's not an alcoholic." 7 isn't a Rich Substance Abuser; she's the Worst Con Artist ever, and she was using Kirsten. The fundraiser was a scam. But, Julie points out, she stopped 7 before she could take the money. And that's when Kirsten realizes that for Julie to be able to stop 7, she would have had to know what 7 was up to. "You were in on it?" Kirsten says. She gets her stuff and leaves without ever closing her mouth.
Seth comes to Summer's bedroom armed with a big bag of "visual aids." Oh, finally, they're going to get to be a real, live couple! Or not, as Seth dumps the bag's contents on the bed and we see that it's full of East Coast boarding-school paraphernalia. He says that before Ryan came to town and Summer started talking to Seth, all Seth wanted was to get as far away from Newport as possible. And while he's glad to have Ryan and Summer in his life, he still wants to leave Newport for college. Summer asks him what's going to happen to them, then -- emails, phone calls, and infrequent visits? Seth walks over to her and bumps into a ribbon hanging over her bed, which he glares at with this perfect "what is this ribbon doing here, and why does my girlfriend insist on putting ribbons over her bed?" expression. How much do I love Seth in this episode? So much. Although it's dampered slightly when he proposes that Summer go to school on the East Coast with him, like her desire to stay in warm weather is less important than his desire to be somewhere Not Newport. Summer points that out, and Seth says he's just trying to make things work. "You don't see Ryan and Marissa giving up!" he says. Except that we do. Every. Single. Episode.
The surfing contest begins. Girls in bikinis are uninterested. Johnny and his wetsuit-clad chicken legs walk over to Marissa, Chili in tow. He reminds Johnny that all three of their plans for the rest of their lives are riding on Johnny doing well today. Shut up, Chili. "Way to take the pressure off, man," Johnny says. "Hey. You're gonna be great out there," Marissa mumbles. Johnny leaves for the staging area, and Marissa asks Chili if the year is just going to be the two of them standing around having awkward conversations while Johnny is off doing something much more exciting. And how is that different from every conversation Marissa has ever had with anyone else? Chili beams that he talked to someone about getting Marissa a job on the surfing tour, and he's pretty sure he could make it happen. It might just be because I'm comparing him to his scene partner, but Chili was actually pretty cool and fun to watch here. I still hope I never see him again, though.
Seth and his bag arrive home. Ryan asks if everything is okay. Seth groans and collapses on the stairs and says he was hoping to deal with year year, not now. Ryan sympathizes with him, saying he's having similar problems with Marissa, and Seth asks him to sit down for what he's about to tell him. Ryan makes an expression like he's pretty sure Seth is exaggerating, but not sure enough to dismiss it completely.
Taylor Townsend and her cable-knit sweater stroll into the diner, where Summer has requested their presence. Taylor Townsend begins the conversation by saying that if this is about her choice of colleges coincidentally being exactly the same as Seth's, then Summer needs to understand that it's none of Summer's business. "Shut up," Summer says. It's about time she got some of her spine back. Taylor obeys, and Summer tells her that she can "have" Seth at Brown or wherever they both end up. Taylor Townsend is suspicious: this seems way too easy. But Summer is sincere, saying that she and Seth obviously have different plans, and that a long-distance relationship would be impossible and sucky. Taylor Townsend still thinks Summer's plotting something. Summer says the truth is that she's afraid that Seth will go off to college and meet the really smart and interesting girl he's "supposed" to be with. "And that, uh, you're just his high-school girlfriend. You're cute, you're fun to be with, but, um, he doesn't want his kids to have your DNA?" Taylor Townsend guesses. I was totally expecting Summer to fire something back, but she just gets all teary and says she and Seth should just end it now. "You be nice to him, okay?" she tells Taylor Townsend, tearfully, and leaves the diner. Taylor Townsend doesn't look very triumphant.
More surfing. Chili and Marissa compliment Johnny on a good run. Chili runs off to see if Johnny made the team while Johnny goes to call his mother, who's apparently on a business trip in San Jose even though it's a weekend. The Ryan Rover pulls up across the parking lot, and Ryan marches up to Marissa and asks her what she's doing here. Marissa says she couldn't write the essay, and doesn't think Ryan can help her with it. Johnny concludes his three-second-long phone conversation with his mom and gives Ryan a friendly greeting. Ryan's response is not as friendly. "No offense, but maybe you don't understand what she's going through," Johnny says of Marissa. Ryan gives him a "say WHAT?" look, and asks Marissa if that's what she thinks. Marissa non-answers that it's "complicated." She's got two brain cells; how can anything she thinks be complicated?
Over on the beach, the announcer guy is beginning to announce the people who made the PacWest surf team. Chili bounces up and down in excitement, and then calls for Johnny to join him. But Johnny's embroiled in some hot teen drama and just can't tear himself away. Ryan tells Marissa and Johnny that they can talk all they want, but that he's "done." He walks across the parking lot back, to the Ryan Rover. Marissa moves to follow, but Johnny pulls her back and volunteers to go instead, even though this is none of his business and he has better things to do and worry about, like the PacWest thing Chili keeps screaming at him about. As Johnny runs across the parking lot with his weird girly gait, a convertible comes out of nowhere and runs his ass over. Oh man, it was awesome. I must have watched it seven times! He goes flying into the windshield, where we see a very pretty Hawaiian lei thing on the convertible's dashboard (nice art direction!) and then spins around in mid-air and lands hard on the ground. The best part is, if you watch it in slow-motion, like I did, you can see these two shirtless buff guys just standing in the background watching it all like "wow. That was cool." "Johnny," Marissa states, sounding like she's on the verge of falling asleep. Ryan runs over to save the day. Chili just stares from the beach as the announcer calls Johnny to the stage. By the way, the driver of that convertible looked an awful lot like Volchok wearing a long blonde wig. I'm just saying.
Post-commercial, Ryan, Marissa, and Chili hang out in the hospital waiting room. Despite her distress over her friend's health, Marissa has managed to get her hands on yet another ugly sweatshirt. Where the hell is Johnny's family, by the way? It looks like hours have passed since the accident, and it's not like San Jose is all that far from Newport. It's certainly closer than Berkeley is, and Paul Glass had no problem getting from one place to the other in a reasonable amount of time, did he? And doesn't Chili have parents that might want to stop by the hospital to make sure their son's only friend is okay? What about Julie? I know she's forgotten that Kaitlin exists, but I thought she might have remembered her other, better daughter. Have Marissa and Julie even talked to each other since they got kicked out of Caleb's house? A nurse comes out and asks where Johnny's parents are. Marissa explains that his mom is "flying in" from San Jose. Since no one there is related to Johnny and they're all minors, the nurse feels perfectly comfortable telling them that Johnny will be okay, although he tore his ACL and will require knee surgery. So not that okay, really. Chili looks upset, and asks when Johnny will be able to surf again, because Chili's fun in Fiji is all Chili cares about, after all. The nurse says they're more concerned about whether or not Johnny will walk again. Oh, stop with the dramatics, Nurse. It's a knee, not a spine. She tells them they can see Johnny in an hour. Chili runs his hands through his hair and says he "can't deal with this." And then he just leaves. Dick. Ryan says that this is all his fault, because Johnny was running after him. Marissa tells Ryan to go home while she visits with Johnny. Ugh.
Paul Glass finally arrives at the Cohens'. He greets Kirsten and says that the last time he saw Seth, he was wearing a "Berkeley onesie." "Thank you for that," Seth says to Sandy. Ryan walks in and greets Paul Glass, and then Kirsten, Seth, and Paul Glass go outside with the food. Sandy asks Ryan how Johnny's doing, and Ryan says he thinks he'll be okay, because unlike the rest of Johnny's friends, Ryan thinks Johnny's general health and ability to walk are more important than whether he can surf professionally and bring them with him.
Taylor Townsend comes to Summer's bedroom with a bag. "What is it with people showing up with bags?!" Summer asks. Hee. Taylor Townsend says she has a present for Summer, and dumps a bunch of Providence College gear on Summer's bed. She says it's the kind of college Summer wants to attend and, best of all, it's only twenty minutes away from Brown. And apparently is encased in a climate-controlled bubble so that Summer will be able to enjoy the warm weather she cares so much about. Taylor Townsend tells Summer not to give up on Seth. She isn't even giving him a chance. Except that it's more like both Seth and Summer have different priorities that are more important to them than a high-school relationship (which, in my opinion, they should be), not like this is all Summer's fault for being difficult about wanting to live somewhere warm. Seth could just as easily attend a good liberal-arts college on the West Coast that's far away from Newport and still in a warm enough climate that they can both be happy, but he hasn't even considered it. "Why are you doing this?" Summer asks. Taylor Townsend says that she considers Seth and Summer to be her best friends, and she realizes that she doesn't have a chance with Seth. Damn! Summer says that they are, indeed, friends. Taylor Townsend's face lights up like a Chrismukkah tree, and she says that she just got the ten-hour-long Polish masterpiece Dekalog on DVD and would love to have a sleepover marathon. Really, though, why can't Taylor Townsend and Seth be together? Summer has no idea what Taylor Townsend is talking about, so Taylor Townsend drops the Polish cinema discussion and asks Summer to "keep in touch." She leaves, I hope not permanently.
The Berkeley grads regale the teenagers with stories about their wild college times that neither Ryan nor Seth particularly cares about, although at least Ryan makes an attempt to look interested. "Fifty percent of people meet their future mates in college," Paul Glass suddenly says. "You two have girlfriends?" That's a really weird statistic for someone to know off the top of his head. Ryan and Seth say that they don't really know anymore. Kirsten goes off to answer a ringing phone, and Paul Glass asks another totally random question: "What do you call a black man flying a plane?" Ryan and Seth look uncomfortable, because Paul Glass is black, you see. "A pilot, you freaking racist!" Paul Glass exclaims, and Sandy laughs like that was the funniest thing he has ever heard. Either that, or he just saw the clip of Johnny getting hit by a car. I'm starting to see why Sandy hasn't had Paul Glass over in the last fifteen years.
Apparently, Kirsten stopped to go to the bathroom on her way to answering the phone, since she doesn't get to it in time before the machine picks up. Kirsten listens as Julie leaves a message apologizing for everything and thanking her sincerely for everything Kirsten's done for her. "You deserve a better friend than me," Julie says, and hangs up. I'm inclined to agree with her there, but Kirsten looks sad and regretful.
Kirsten runs back outside and says she has to go. Even trailer parks are more fun than a night with Paul Glass. On her way out, she runs into Summer, who asks if she can talk to Seth. Seth hears this and runs off, leaving Sandy and Ryan with Paul Glass, who's wondering if everyone's sudden departures have anything to do with the fact that he's black.
Seth and Summer enter Seth's bedroom, where Summer has a bag of her own. She dumps its contents on the bed: two of those wooly hats like the one Kyle on South Park wears. There's one for Seth and one for her. "I want to see what we are going to look like year!" she says, putting them on. Obviously, they both look adorable. She tells Seth about Providence College and how she's going to try to go there because she wants to give their relationship a shot. And while it is kind of selfish of Seth to expect Summer to change instead of both of them compromising, being afraid of cold weather is a really stupid reason not to consider a college. As is the location of your boyfriend a really stupid reason to consider one. Seth asks Summer what made her change her mind, and she says that Taylor Townsend pointed out that, at Brown, Seth would be surrounded by really smart people and would want someone stupid like Summer around to make him feel smart again. Seth doesn't argue that Summer isn't stupid, but I'll forgive him for that because he squeezes Summer's cheeks and calls her his "little snow angel." They make out, finally. I don't know why this show always has to go for sensational stuff like car accidents, attempted rapes, and shootings when it's the storylines with realistic problems and real emotion that are so much better and more effective.
And now, Marissa. She enters Johnny's room. "This is all my fault," she says. "Yeah, I guess," Johnny answers. Looks like that convertible beat some sense into him. Excellent. Marissa is all confused; when she does stuff like this, someone always assures her that this wasn't her fault and that she's perfect. Johnny adds that it's Ryan's fault for reacting the way he did, and Chili's for entering Johnny in the surf contest, and, of course, the lady who actually hit him can share some of the blame, too. In other words, shit happens and there's no point dwelling on why and wallowing in self-pity; you have to move on. Johnny will have the knee operation, do the physical therapy, and get back on his surfboard. "What else are you gonna do?" he asks Marissa. A light bulb, albeit extremely small and dim, goes off in Marissa's head.
Kirsten manages to make it to Julie's trailer front porch without being mugged, raped, or rednecked. She knocks on the door, and Julie's voice says "Gus? I told you once -- I don't swing!" Awesome. Julie opens the door to find Kirsten instead of Gus and is pleasantly surprised. Kirsten wants to get together tomorrow to discuss business ideas -- you see, she realized that Julie could have gone through with 7's scam and been living in that gorgeous condo. But because she cared about Kirsten, she didn't, and now she's in the pits of hell. And banjos. Kirsten wants to do something for Julie in return. Gus wanders up behind them. "Hey, Julie?" he asks. "I got a gun, Gus," Julie snaps. "That's cool!" Gus says, immediately changing direction and walking away. That was awesome. Can they just make this show all Julie and Gus and Seth and Taylor Townsend? And maybe Paul Glass can come in every once in a while and say something that makes everyone hilariously uncomfortable. Oh, and that convertible-driving lady should be in it, too. She's cool. Julie gets all teary and accepts Kirsten's offer. They hug.
Paul Glass and Sandy laugh and laugh about old college times. Ryan yawns. He says he's not sure he's "ready for the whole college thing." He finally has a home and a family, and he doesn't want to leave them. Sandy tells him that this will always be his home, no matter how far away he goes. Awww, although how many times does Sandy have to say this to Ryan? It's been like four times this season alone, hasn't it? Seth walks up and asks Sandy if he can talk to him inside, and away Sandy goes. Paul Glass asks Ryan if his reluctance to go to college has anything to do with having serious girlfriend. Paul Glass is, like, way too curious about people's love lives.
Inside the house, Seth tells Sandy that he isn't going to Berkeley -- he's going to Brown. "I'm not upset!" Sandy immediately says, which is kind of weird, since he spent the whole episode acting like Seth's not going to Berkeley would kind of devastate him. Then again, Taylor Townsend spent a couple of episodes being totally evil, and now look at her! Sandy says that he just wants his son to have the same amazing experience at college that Sandy did. Seth says he wants that, too, but that doesn't mean Berkeley is the place for him to have that experience. He wants to forge his own path. They hug. When they separate, Kirsten's in the doorway. She congratulates Seth on his choice of college, and Seth runs back upstairs to his room before Summer can buy out L.L. Bean. Kirsten says she and Sandy will be empty nesters soon. Sandy asks her if they can get an apartment in Providence. Well, that's one way to keep the series going.
Ryan and Paul Glass talk about Marissa, because even when she isn't in the scene, she must be discussed. I will never get a break. Ryan claims that Marissa has always accepted him for who he is, since he has apparently been watching a totally different show. Marissa walks up, and Ryan excuses himself from the table to talk to her. Paul Glass is all alone except for a bottle of wine. I have a feeling this is how most dinner parties end for Paul Glass.
A cover of Coldplay's "Yellow" (that's actually better than the original song, I think) plays. Ryan and Marissa enter the poolhouse. Marissa says that Johnny is determined to surf again, and Ryan, of course, blames himself for everything because that's really all this couple has in common with each other: their mutual love of bestowing unnecessary guilt upon themselves. Marissa repeats what Johnny said about how things happen and this wasn't anyone's fault, like she came up with that and not Johnny. Ryan asks how they can move on. Marissa says she's going to start by applying to college, because she needs to deal with what happened and blahblahwe'veheardthisbeforeblah. She'll tell the colleges that she saved the life of someone she loved, and they can either accept that or not. Like any college wouldn't totally want her with those life experiences. Well, except for Brown, because it isn't need-blind. Really, Marissa should be more worried about how she's going to pay for school than she is about which school will take her. Marissa says that she and Ryan have been through a lot over the past two years, but that they're still together, so she's sure there's nothing they can't handle (until week). Paul Glass walks right on in, having overheard their conversation because, hey, what the hell else was he supposed to do out there at the table by himself? He was really hoping to peep in on some sex, but got impatient and lonely and decided to just come in and say hello. Also, he says they'd both be a good fit for Berkeley and he hopes they apply. As we cut to a shot of Marissa, the singer sings, "You're skin and bones." Hee hee hee.
Marissa and Ryan enter Seth's room with some dinner. They call out to make sure no sex is happening before they walk in, which is polite if totally unnecessary -- no sex is ever happening in that room -- and sit on Seth's bed. Summer and Seth tell them about their Rhode Island college plans, and Ryan and Marissa say they'll be going to Berkeley. Summer says that Ryan and Seth will have to do the "long-distance thing." "Better not cheat on each other!" she sing-songs. Ryan says that things do happen in college. Seth asks if him if he's questioning his sexuality. No, no, Seth -- we did that last season. With Marissa, of course. Ryan protests as we slowly fade out.