Shockingly, Volchok wants a rematch after Ryan's sucker-punch last week. He does all kinds of things to get Ryan to fight him -- keying "Lil' Bitch" into his car in front of witnesses, tugging on Marissa's arm at a Bait Shop concert in front of the bouncer, and, finally, kidnapping Marissa. Although it was more "inviting Marissa to ride in his van and then hanging out with her on the beach" than it was kidnapping. Seth's kindness to Taylor Townsend backfires when she starts to drive a wedge between him and Summer, even going so far as to steal Captain Oats! Seth doesn't do himself any favors by lying to Summer for no reason and, of course, getting caught in it. It all ends well for them when Seth explains to Summer how sad and lonely Taylor Townsend really is and what a bitch of a mother she has, and Summer forgives Seth, because how could you not love a guy who's so sweet and sensitive like that? Julie and 7 'n 7 go through with their charity con, but Julie's guilty conscience eats and eats at her until she figures out a way to screw 7 'n 7 AND throw a great party AND give money to a real charity, with no one but herself and 7 'n 7 the wiser: she tells the function attendees to make their checks out to a real charity for women with addictions! In your face, 7 'n 7! Ryan is forced to save Marissa from the certain doom of hanging out on the beach after hours, and vows to use his head instead of his hands this time. You'd think this would mean calling the police and letting them deal with the situation, but no. Instead, Ryan challenges Volchok to a fight to the death. Their weapons: a broken bottle and a piece of wood. Volchok runs away. Marissa tells her boyfriend she's proud of the changed man he's become, and leaves him to beat the crap out of his new punching bag.
We join the gang at the diner for post-movie milkshakes. They've just seen one of Seth's favorite martial-arts films, Master of the Flying Guillotine, and no one's happy about it. Even Ryan admits that the movie was "kinda weak," and thinks that, time, the girls should pick the movie. Seth grumbles that this will mean repeated viewings of Bring It On, and Marissa and Summer burst into a Bring It On cheer. The Best Moment of This Episode sadly ends when Marissa suddenly stops short. Seth and Ryan follow her gaze and see Volchok and his gang enter the diner. Summer just keeps right on talking to herself, lost in her own Torrance Shipman world. Volchok sits down and makes fun of the "rich kids" with their "candy-ass" diner hangout. Because poor people never eat at diners. He challenges Ryan to a rematch of last week's punch in the face. Ryan says he isn't "looking for trouble," but Volchok rightfully says that Ryan should've thought of that before he punched Volchok. Summer spits back that Volchok started it by hooking up with Johnny's girlfriend, because, as a girl, Summer doesn't have to worry about the physical consequences for having such a big mouth. Seth does, so he dismisses Summer's point as being "unnecessary continuity." Kind of like how Kirsten spent an entire summer in rehab and is now totally fine and hasn't had any lingering desires for alcohol except for that one time. Volchok and his growing porn 'stache tell Ryan that they've got some unfinished business.
Morning in the Cohen residence. Sandy asks Kirsten which tie will make him look like the perfect saintly business executive for his first day of work at the NewNewport Group. Kirsten's working on Julie and 7's fake charity fundrasier, and wants Sandy's opinion on whether alcohol should be served -- not because Kirsten might have a problem with being around all those drinks, but because it would look weird to have drinks at a fundraiser for people with substance-abuse problems. Because Kirsten's recovery process has been nothing if not a totally ridiculous waste of a storyline. Kirsten and Sandy agree that it's best to serve alcohol, because the drunker their party guests are, the more money they'll donate. Seth and Ryan enter for breakfast. Kirsten invites them both to Sunday's event. Seth the Jerk says no. Ryan the Perfect Fake Son says yes. Kirsten leaves the room, leaving Sandy to ask Seth angrily what he's doing on Sunday that's more important than his mother's function. Seth explains that Sunday is the Sabbath. Except that the charity thing is after sundown, so it's no longer during the Sabbath, and more importantly, as Ryan points out, the Jewish Sabbath is on Saturday. Weak, Seth. Sandy orders Seth to attend the function as Kirsten walks back in. Seth tells his mother he'll be at the function, providing he isn't hit by a lightning bolt. By the logic, he should have been hit by one already for converting to Christianity just to abuse the Sunday Sabbath.
Over at the Summer House, Summer paints her nails and blames the whole Volchok-Ryan fight on slutty Casey and her sleeping with the "Surf Nazi" ways. She will admit that Casey had a reason for what she did. Marissa rolls her eyes and says she's not about to ask Johnny if he has feelings for her because, regardless of his answer, it would make things incredibly awkward and end their friendship and this storyline and make me so happy. Actions speak louder than words to Marissa, who contends that Johnny hasn't done anything that would leave her to believe he has feelings for her. Except for, you know, everything he's done since he came on this show.
Seth and Ryan park the Ryan Rover right in front of school. Amazing how they always seem to score the best parking space. Seth urges Ryan not to fight with Volchok, because all he and Summer do is worry needlessly about their friends and give them advice they know will not be followed. Ryan says he has "hung up the hoodie" and retired his fightin' Chino ways, so he won't be fighting Volchok. How convenient that he retired three seconds after punching Volchok in the face.
Taylor Townsend runs up to lay praise all over Seth for helping her make the lock-in such a success. Okay, wait...today is Friday in O.C.-land, which we know because tomorrow will be Saturday and then the day is Sunday's charity function. How weird that Sandy is starting his first day at NewNewport on the last day of the week and Taylor Townsend hasn't had a chance to say anything to Seth about last weekend's lock-in until just now. If you're going to go to the trouble of setting up a timeline, O.C., please make it make sense, too, okay? Anyway, I'm thinking that lock-in was more of a "cesspool of suck" than a "success," but you wouldn't know it the way Taylor Townsend tells Ryan about the popularity of Seth's Capture the Flag game. A positive attitude is always a nice quality in a person, even if it is accompanied by insecurity disguised as megalomania. Taylor Townsend thinks she and Seth should team up again and plan the Christmas dance together, but Seth says Summer would be a much better candidate for that. In fact, she's coming this way! Hearing this, Taylor Townsend takes off. Ryan takes a second to bask in the glow of the fact that someone else is having relationship problems for a change as an angry Summer walks up and yells at her boyfriend for daring to talk to Taylor Townsend. Summer has been very angry at Taylor Townsend ever since she arrived at the lock-in late last week and Taylor Townsend wouldn't let her in. She bruised her hand from knocking so hard. Seth doubts that Taylor Townsend purposely locked Summer out, especially since, though no one points this out, Taylor did fix things so that Summer and Ryan didn't get caught skipping the lock-in. Similarly, no one points out that if Summer's not going to the lock-in is anyone's fault, it's Summer's for being too busy spying on Marissa and getting all up in everyone's business to make it there on time.
Kirsten, Julie, and 7 survey the Yacht Club and make last-minute preparations for the fundraiser. Kirsten and Julie are all business, but 7 just keeps talking about how much fun this will be, being sure to point out that Julie was the one who suggested doing it in the first place (not true). Kirsten runs off, conveniently leaving Julie and 7 alone to discuss the evil part of their plan. They stand to make at least $300,000 each. Julie still has a few reservations about it, until 7 reminds her that she could really use the money, with two daughters and no means to support them.
Taylor Townsend tracks Ryan down and nails him for information about Seth and Summer's relationship, and any potential problems it may have. She's hoping Seth and Summer are like Brad and Jennifer, with SethBrad just waiting for a TaylorAngelina to come along and sweep him off his feet. Would that make Chili Vince Vaughn? And Ryan George Clooney? Oh, and Taylor Townsend's Sidekick can be Maddox. Which makes Dean Evil the Billy Bob Thornton! This game is fun, although I must say I'm surprised that my spell check knew all those names. Ryan assures Taylor that Seth and Summer are a 10 out of 10 on the stable couple scale. "I bet Brad and Jen used to be a 10," Taylor says, not getting it.
Sandy introduces his employees to their other new boss, Matt Ramsey. I'd be so pissed off if I had worked at the Newport Group for years and years, only to see the boss's daughter's inexperienced husband become the president and CEO and some punk kid out of nowhere become the vice-president and director of development instead of a more deserving and experienced person like me getting the job. Fortunately, the NewNewport Group workers are mindless drones who smile emotionlessly as Sandy tells them that one-quarter of their projects will be directed toward the lower-income crowd. Matt interrupts to add that they'll still be happy to take the rich people that make up the remaining three-quarters of their business's money. Shut up, Matt. Sandy glares at him and gives the confidence-inspiring speech that he's totally new to this CEO thing and he's really going to need everyone's help to do well. The employees burst into applause, possibly because they are under the mistaken assumption that they'll be getting paid for their extra CEO-consultant work.
Once the minions have left, Sandy and Matt talk about the NewNewport Group's finances. They suck. Matt says the only way for the company to stay afloat is to fire nine people, which is devastating news, considering that I only saw about eight people at that meeting. Sandy tells Matt to hold off on firing anyone, since he's sure he can figure out a way to avoid the layoffs and keep the company going.
Marissa tells Chili about the Volchok problem so that Chili will know to look out for Volchok if he shows up at school. I'd say the chances are pretty good of that happening, since Volchok appears to be about the age of a tenured teacher. Marissa orders Chili not to tell Johnny about any of this. Chili says he hopes their shared secret will bring them closer together. So...it would be weird for Marissa if she knew Johnny had a crush on her, but not when it's Chili? How does that work? Of course, Johnny overhears Marissa telling Chili not to tell Johnny something, and immediately figures out that it's about Volchok. Marissa confesses that Volchok threatened to fight Ryan, and Johnny storms away to deal with Volchok himself, not liking the idea of Ryan fighting his battles for him. Marissa can't figure out a way to convince Johnny not to go after Volchok, so she settles on her time-honored routine of making this about herself and how it will affect her: "What is it with you two? I'm so sick of this!" she whines. Then she's all, "Fine! Do whatever you want! I don't care! Whatever!" and sticking her lower lip out, and Johnny crumbles. He promises not to fight Volchok, because while he's not scared of a surfer with a twenty-pack, he is scared of "upsetting a lady." He's like a pint-size version of John Wayne.
Ryan and Seth discuss the Taylor Townsend problem. Seth doesn't understand why Taylor Townsend thinks she and Seth would be good together, even if Summer wasn't in the picture. Ryan seems to disagree, saying he thought Seth said that Taylor wasn't all bad. Seth points out that, in fourth grade, Taylor Townsend campaigned against making their school handicapped-accessible, saying it was "reverse Darwinism." That would make me think a lot less of Taylor Townsend if not for the fact that you know there aren't any handicapped kids going to Newport's elite private schools, so those ramps would be a needless expense. Really, it makes me think even more of Taylor Townsend. She must be really smart to know Darwin's theory all the way back in fourth grade like that. Seth's other reason is that he doesn't want Dean Evil's sloppy seconds.
Someone who does like sloppy seconds is Volchok, who is currently seated atop Ryan's car with his gang. They're eating lunch. Oooooh, a picnic -- that's hardcore. Ryan tells Seth to get Security, but he doesn't, because that would be too easy. You'd think an expensive school like that would have enough of a security presence in the parking lot to stop non-students from sitting on a student's car like that. Come on, now. Ryan tells Volchok he won't fight him. Volchok makes fun of Ryan for being rich, and Seth holds Ryan's hand to keep him from doing anything impulsive and steps up to try to defuse the situation himself. His efforts to make friends out of enemies doesn't work and, as a huge crowd of Harbor students gather around, Volchok whips out some car keys and proceeds to scratch a long, noisy line into the door. Ryan makes a fist. Volchok decides that the Ryan Rover could benefit from a name, and scratches "Little Bitch" into it. Ryan relaxes his fist, grabs Seth, and walks away. The Harbor kids ooh and ahh over how stupid someone could be to vandalize something in the middle of the day in front of countless witnesses.
The morning, Marissa comes to Cohen residence to ask Ryan about the Volchok encounter she heard about from Summer. She's "proud" of him for not fighting Volchok, like her opinion really matters, and notices that Ryan has a toolbox out and seems to be busy doing something with it. Ryan takes her to the poolhouse to show off his weekend project: he's set up an old punching bag he found in the garage. Marissa is disgusted. Ryan assures her that he's not using it for training. He's using it for therapy. You'd think a statement like would warrant further discussion, but Marissa just changes the subject to Johnny and how he wanted to fight Volchok himself and how hurt he is about Casey. Ryan suggests inviting Johnny to the Bait Shop concert they're going to tonight to give him something to do that will take his mind off everything. Marissa thinks that's a great idea, and leaves to get some breakfast. Ryan stays behind to wrap his hand in a rag and give his new bag a strong punch.
Kirsten pronounces the three hours "Kirsten Time," which she will spend at the gym and getting her nails done. Oh, the post-rehab coping mechanisms of the idle rich! Sandy good-naturedly approves of the Kirsten Time idea and drops a few hints that the business world isn't all it's cracked up to be for him. Kirsten finally asks him about work, apparently having been "too busy" yesterday to care. Sandy says things are getting a little overwhelming. Kirsten tells him he can always come to her with questions. But not now, as she turns and leaves the room.
Seth's having some of his own Seth Time, reading a book in the comfort of his bedroom. There's a knock at the door, and enter...Taylor Townsend?!? Kirsten let her in, since "letting people into the house" is a part of Kirsten Time, even if being a listening ear for her husband isn't. Taylor Townsend announces to Seth that she likes him. Predictably, he's very uncomfortable and doesn't really know what to say. Taylor says she usually doesn't go for the "R. Crumb" type, but that Seth is adorable and sweet and cute, so there you go. Plus, she heard that Seth and Summer were breaking up. Seth is alarmed until Taylor Townsend admits that she just made that up. And I thought I was bad at flirting. Wow. Seth launches into a speech designed to let Taylor Townsend down gently while still making it absolutely clear that he is not interested in her, but he's interrupted when Taylor notices the Yakuza Prep movie poster on his wall. She claims it's her favorite movie. Seth is doubtful until Taylor Townsend can name a guy associated with it and is able to list off some of Seth's other movies, which she owns Criterion Collection versions of. Seth starts to re-think his lack of interest in Taylor Townsend and asks her if she likes comic books, too. She says those are for geeks. One step forward, two steps back for Taylor Townsend. Three steps back, actually, as she starts going on about how her and Seth's shared love of obscure martial-arts movies means they're soulmates. Summer calls to confirm tonight's Bait Shop plans, giving Taylor Townsend the unsupervised opportunity to steal Captain Oats (NO!!!). She says goodbye to Seth just loud enough for Summer to hear. Summer demands to know why she's hearing a female voice in Seth's room. Seth lies that he's listening to NPR, and Summer is confused enough by the concept of National Public Radio to be thrown of the scent. You know who probably loves NPR, Seth? Taylor Townsend. I'm just saying.
7 talks to her scrubby boyfriend on the phone. He's packing their things for their escape to Puerto Rico, where the American dollar goes farther. Until you get arrested and extradited back to America, you dumb-asses. 7 practically screams out the details of her evil plan to make off with both her and Julie's halves of the money, then hangs up and walks all of three steps over to Kirsten, who's is still locked in Kirsten World and therefore couldn't hear 7's phone conversation. The club is making Kirsten sign a liability agreement for the function. Julie urges her not to sign, but Kirsten doesn't think anything can go wrong and signs. She leaves to hand the form to whoever needs it, leaving Julie and 7 alone again. Julie is still uneasy. 7 tells her that the liability form has nothing to do with people stealing charity fund money, and that Kirsten and everyone will be okay.
Sandy and Matt are back at the office. Sandy is pleased to report that he came up with a plan that will allow them to spare five of the nine people from getting the axe, although he will have to cut his own salary to do it. Matt complains that this leaves them no margin for error, and therefore is a very risky idea. Sandy says this is the way he will run his company. Generously and stupidly.
The Subways perform at the Bait Shop. Whooo. The gang plus Johnny watch the show. Johnny suspects that this was a "pity invite," but Marissa assures him that it wasn't. Except that it was, and doesn't Johnny have a friend in Chili to help him through stuff like this as well? Poor Chili is probably home by himself crying that Marissa has stolen his only friend. Marissa invites Johnny to the night's charity function, because nothing keeps your mind off of your cheating girlfriend than a stuffy event full of boring rich people. ["That you have to pay to get into." -- Wing Chun]
The bartender ignores Seth. Taylor Townsend, however, gives him plenty of attention. Taylor Townsend didn't even exist until this season, and now she's freaking everywhere in town! Seth decides to breaks it down for her: he is with Summer. He loves Summer. Even if he were single, he wouldn't want to be with Taylor Townsend. The object of Seth's affection walks up and angrily asks Taylor Townsend why she's always talking to her boyfriend. Taylor Townsend plays innocent and volunteers to leave, since she's causing so much trouble for everyone. But first, she returns Captain Oats to Seth. "Thanks for letting me borrow him!" she says. "It really means a lot to me that you trust me." That's how to land yourself a man: show him your evil, scheming side! Well played, T.T. Summer immediately believes Taylor's story and is really pissed off. Seth tries to explain that Taylor stole Captain Oats when she was in his bedroom earlier, but that doesn't make things much better, since it exposes Seth's lie to Summer about NPR. Summer asks Seth if something happened between him and Taylor at the lock-in. Seth just shakes his head stupidly. Summer calls him a jerk and storms off. Seth is so upset that he almost runs away without Captain Oats.
Spyin' Ryan watches Seth and Summer's fight from afar, and then spots one of Volchok's friends in the crowd. He grabs Marissa and Johnny to leave, but it's too late. And now Volchok has a new friend: Heather, Marissa's public-school arch-nemesis. Volchok sure does hang out with a lot of high-school girls. Heather and Volchok try to goad Ryan into a fight, making fun of him for letting his girlfriend shoot people for him. It's only when Volchok grabs Marissa's arm that Ryan springs into action, grabbing Volchok and throwing him against the bar. Volchok is thrilled to have found Ryan's trigger. He's not so thrilled when the bouncer kicks him out of the Bait Shop.
The morning, Ryan comes in for breakfast and a father-son chat. He tells Sandy that a guy is determined to fight him. Sandy asks if this is related to the "Little Bitch" scratch he found in his car, and points out that they can report Volchok to the cops and end this right now. Ryan doesn't think that will help anything, though, which is ridiculous. He tells Sandy that he knows he can't get in a fight, but that he doesn't know any alternative at this point. Sandy tells him to keep walking away, and congratulates him on using his brains instead of his fists (so far). Except for the one time when Ryan punched Volchok in the face and started this whole thing, a fact Ryan conveniently doesn't share with Sandy. The talk is interrupted by a call from Matt. Whatever he has to say, it requires Sandy to be at the NewNewport Group RIGHT NOW and therefore craps all over Ryan's one attempt to reach out to someone and get help. Oh well.
Marissa and Chili have another secret plan that doesn't seem to require Chili's presence at all. They drive along the beach looking for Volchok and find him in his van. "Don't shoot!" Volchok says when he sees Marissa. Hee. Marissa wants to make a deal with Volchok: she'll give him her Cartier watch, worth $4000, if Volchok agrees to leave Ryan alone. Uh...way to hold onto that watch and mooch off Summer's hospitality, there, Marissa. And I'm sure your mom couldn't have used the extra cash at any point, nor could those poor people who worked for her at the mansion over the summer and never got paid. Volchok agrees to the deal. Marissa says that if he goes back on it, she'll tell the cops Volchok stole her watch. That's a great plan, Marissa. Losing four grand to keep a guy from bothering your boyfriend is about as smart as spending money on rehab and a condo to steal an equal amount of money from a charity function, I'd say.
Julie shows up at the Yacht Club, where Kirsten is already ordering everyone around to make sure that tonight's function is perfect. Julie feels guilty. Kirsten says she's so glad to have a chance to do this with the person who tried to put her son in jail. Julie feels extra-guilty.
Sandy marches into the NewNewport Group, where Matt is waiting for him. Apparently, Matt went behind Sandy's back and called four employees in to fire them, figuring they'd appreciate not having to be fired during the week and endure the humiliation of packing their desks up in front of their former co-workers. And getting that extra day's paycheck. They would have hated that, I'm sure. Matt thought he was doing Sandy a big favor by firing the employees and sparing Sandy the pain of having to do it himself. Sandy says he doesn't let people do his dirty work for him, unlike everyone else on this show. He sends Matt home and goes into his office to fire some people.
Summer sets tables for the function. Seth is too busy apologizing and trying to explain things to help out at this thing that is really important to his mother. Out of nowhere, Summer slaps him in the face. That's kind of abusive.
Ryan and Johnny watch the Seth/Summer fireworks, and then talk about Volchok. Ryan says he knows guys like Volchok and can handle him. Johnny says that Ryan seems to have a lot of experience with these situations. Ryan says he seems to get in them "every week," except, of course, during the baseball championship season.
Over at the CONdo, Julie has decided not to attend tonight's function. 7 tells Julie that if she doesn't go to the function and allow their plan to go off without a hitch, 7 will go to the police and tell them about how this whole thing was Julie's idea, including the scam. 7 won't get arrested for any of it because she'll be in Puerto Rico, which certainly isn't an American territory with an extradition agreement or anything like that. 7 doesn't think Julie could do jail. "Get. Dressed," she orders.
Summer asks Marissa for reassurance that she's prettier than Taylor Townsend. Marissa gives it to her, along with a vase full of flowers to put on a table. Summer wanders off as Heather enters the club. And she's not dressed for a charity event, either. She gives Marissa her watch back, saying that Volchok doesn't want it. He wants cash. He's in the parking lot if Marissa wants to see him.
Stupid Marissa goes outside, where Volchok is, indeed, hanging out in his van. Volchok says he needs money right now, and the pawn shop isn't open, so her watch is useless to him. He'd be happy to give Marissa a ride to the ATM so that she can take out some money and give it to them, though. Marissa moves her eyes slightly. I think she's upset? Angry? Reluctant? She's certainly gullible, as she hops into the van after Volchok says he'd be happy to walk into the function and start a fight with Ryan, which would actually be the best thing for everyone because then the Yacht Club police could deal with Volchok and he'd be out of Ryan's life forever.
Charity function! Julie tries to mingle with the crowd, but her rather tacky jokes about people having to go to rehab for ahi roll abuse totally bomb and make everyone feel uncomfortable. Kirsten comes up and sincerely thanks Julie for getting her involved in this and being so supportive of her throughout it. Caleb would be so proud of them tonight. Kirsten walks away so that Julie can wallow in her guilt.
Taylor Townsend is at the function, and she's brought Momma T along too! Momma T is her usual awful self, making fun of Taylor for not having any friends here like she said she would. Seth overhears and, despite Taylor's theft of Captain Oats and general evil plotting to make his life difficult by ruining things with him and Summer, he can't resist a damsel in distress. He walks up and introduces himself to Momma T, who immediately embarrasses Taylor by saying that Seth must be the guy Taylor brought a present for, after wrapping and re-wrapping it four times. "Oh my god," Taylor mutters, so humiliated. Momma T would have brought some naked baby pictures of Taylor to show Seth, but she doesn't have any pictures of her daughter because, you know, she hates her. Taylor hands Seth a small wrapped gift. He opens it to reveal a DVD of The Yakuza Demon. He's thrilled, since the movie is only available in Japan. He tries to thank Taylor, but she just runs outside.
Seth follows Taylor, against his better judgment. Taylor sobs that her mother is horrible and is always harping on her for not having any friends. "She doesn't know what she's talking about," Seth says. Taylor says that, the thing is, Momma T is right. She knows Taylor lives in a dreamworld where Summer is her friend and Seth likes her, when the truth is that Taylor doesn't have any friends and Seth hates her. "Even the Grinch had that stupid little dog!" Taylor cries. Awwww. Seth's initial reaction is shock that Taylor would think she's friends with Summer. Once he gets over that, he tells Taylor that he does like her -- as a friend. Taylor lets out what my closed captioning describes as a "rueful chuckle." Seth says he's totally serious: Taylor is funny, has great taste in movies, and is smart and interesting, and he's stupidly putting his hand on her shoulder through his speech. Taylor takes his hand and puts it on her face. Seth pries her fingers off him and says he needs to go find Summer. Right now. He runs away, saying they'll talk in school, and that he feels "really good about this." Taylor giggles. "It's happening!" she says to herself, doing her own imitation of Bring It On's spirit fingers.
Johnny and Ryan drink what appears to be alcohol at the bar. Nice job serving the underage there, charity function to help people with alcohol problems! Ryan's worried about Marissa, since he hasn't seen her in over five minutes! His cell rings. It's Marissa's phone, but it's not her voice. She's been sticknapped! Volchok says he's got Marissa underneath the pier. Marissa stands around, seemingly able to leave at will and wearing a jacket someone kindly gave her a jacket to wear so that she wouldn't get cold. What evil kidnappers Volchok and his gang are! Ryan says he'll be right there to get Marissa and be a Hero. He tells Johnny to call the police, while he goes off to "finish this." Do you think Johnny calls the police? Of course not.
Sandy shows up at the function. Kirsten waves to him, and then 7 sidles up and the two women compare how much money they've raised so far. Kirsten thinks they'll raise over a million dollars. 7 is thrilled, although she hasn't seen Julie in a while. Oh, there she is! In the middle of the crowd, holding a live mic and making a few announcements. She's pleased to report that a lot of money has been raised tonight. So much money, in fact, that Julie says their charity simply doesn't have the resources to deal with it, so all checks should be made out to the National Foundation for Substance Abuse instead. Awesome. Kirsten smiles. Julie smiles. 7 does not smile.
7 practically tackles Julie and asks her what she thinks she's doing. Julie plays innocent, asking if she held the mic too far away from her mouth. Ha! 7 tells Julie to get back on the mic and say she was mistaken, or else 7 will call the police. "Call them," Julie says. Whoops! 7 wasn't expecting that. She's not about to call anyone, of course. 7 tries to argue that Julie needs this money if she wants to get back into Newport society, but Julie says she has a true friend in Kirsten, and that's all she needs. She'll never screw Kirsten over. Kirsten's adopted son? Maybe. Kirsten's dad? Absolutely. But not Kirsten. "I think it's time you left," Julie says. "This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch." OH SNAP! Julie kisses 7 on the cheek and walks away. 7 'n 7 returns to her Borg ship or goes to Puerto Rico or somewhere that is not on this show anymore. Hooray!
Summer tracks Seth down, all angry at him for daring to leave her sight for three seconds. She sees Seth's new DVD, figures out that he was with Taylor, and threatens to beat Taylor up. Jesus, chill out, Summer. Someone needs to buy her a punching bag, I think. Seth tells her to calm down, saying that Taylor is so messed up that she thinks Summer is her friend, and that Taylor has a really, really mean mom and Seth felt bad for her and tried to be nice to her at the lock-in. "She's just really lonely," Seth says. Summer says it will not be easy to be nice to Taylor Townsend. Seth swears he'll never lie to Summer again. They leave to watch Seth's new DVD.
The Little Bitch zooms toward the pier. Johnny's in the passenger seat. He tells Ryan not to do this, but Ryan says he's going to use his head this time. Johnny doesn't think that's possible where Volchok is concerned. Ryan says that if his plan doesn't work, Johnny is to grab Marissa and run away. Drama queen.
The Little Bitch, now scratch-free, screeches into a parking lot. Ryan and Johnny run down to Marissa and Volchok and his gang. Ryan grabs a convenient bottle off the ground and smashes it against the pier. He waves his new weapon in Volchok's face. Volchok is uneasy: "You don't want to do this, man." He'll kidnap and vandalize and be legendary for his violent craziness, but when confronted with a broken bottle, Volchok doesn't know what to do, apparently. Ryan tosses Volchok a piece of wood to use as his weapon, which doesn't seem like a very fair match to me, and tells the screaming Marissa to shut up. He tells Volchok that he's fought guys like him before, and that he will fight Volchok to the death. I hope it will at least look cool, like Mortal Kombat or something. Johnny gives Marissa an "it's cool" hand signal, not like her face showed any sort of worried expression. The music gets all ridiculously suspenseful and the camera zooms in and out of the broken bottle in Ryan's hand. Finally, Volchok drops his weapon and tells his gang to leave. Wimp! Marissa gives Ryan a big hug.
The charity event is over, and Kirsten has time for Sandy again. He tells her that, after firing four people, he's not sure if he can do this job. Kirsten tells him that the fact that he cares so much about his employees means he's just what the NewNewport Group needs. She'd choose Sandy to run things over her own father any day of the week. Well, anyone would. Caleb is dead. Not exactly CEO material anymore, is he? Kirsten tells Sandy she doesn't need him to protect her from information that might upset her anymore. "You are your father's daughter," Sandy says. "No, I'm your wife," Kirsten says. They share a post-"statement of the obvious" kiss.
Marissa and Ryan chill by the Cohens' outdoor fireplace. Marissa says that the whole Ryan-Volchok non-fight was "intense." She's very proud of Ryan for not hitting Volchok, and says he's a changed man. The old Ryan Atwood used to scare Marissa. Ryan says he used to scare himself, too. That's a good thing when you've got a bad case of the hiccups and there's no one around, though. It also makes for a much more entertaining character and show. Marissa says she's going to get Summer and take off. They kiss, and Marissa tells Ryan she's proud of him again. What is she, his mother? Ugh.
How much does Marissa's proud feelings matter to Ryan? Well, he returns to the poolhouse, takes his watch off, and starts punching his bag. Slowly at first, then faster as the music picks up until he's kind of out of control and he looks like he's about to cry. He finally stops and leans against the bag and we see that his knuckles are bloody. That's the Marissa Effect.