Less important things first: Kirsten is doing so well in her fun-filled rehab stint of poker games and walks in the huge gardens that her doctor says she's ready to leave, which Kirsten isn't all that thrilled about, especially now that she's just found a new rehab buddy in Charlotte "7 of 9 (shots of tequila)" Morgan. She lies to Sandy that she doesn't know when she'll be released, and then Charlotte watches her sleep. Now on to the big cliffhanger: Trey isn't dead, but he is in a melodramatic coma, leaving Marissa and Ryan as the only conscious witnesses to Trey's shooting. They both say that Marissa shot Trey to save Ryan's life, which the D.A. has no intention of believing since Ryan has a record and people always love to blame Ryan for stuff. Trey wakes up, but Marissa, Ryan, Seth, and Summer decide to take Jimmy's yacht out for a fun time music montage instead of going to see him. Caleb-money-hungry Julie, still with the probably-equally-as-Caleb-money-hungry Jimmy, is not as foolish, and she sees the shooting as an opportunity to keep scandal away from her family, finally get Ryan away from Marissa, and let her daughter's background remain blemish-free so she can get into a good college, like going through the trauma of shooting the man who tried to rape you to prevent him from killing your boyfriend wouldn't make for an awesome application essay. Trey takes Julie's offer of twenty thou in exchange for saying that Ryan shot him because it's either do that or be suffocated by a pillow. By the time the cops arrive to arrest Ryan for attempted murder, he and the gang have run off to Jimmy's yacht with the brilliant plan of sailing it to Mexico to hide out until they can get Trey to tell the police the truth. Fortunately for us all, this insanely stupid plan does not get a chance to play out, as the police catch up to them before they can leave port. So Ryan's back in his jailhouse blues, and Marissa and Summer are back in their candy striper uniforms as they infiltrate the hospital to talk to Trey. The plan is so ridiculous that even Seth "I'm Gonna Sail to Tahiti" Cohen doesn't think it will work, but amazingly, it does, and Marissa convinces Trey to tell the truth and he tells her that Julie put him up to lying in the first place. Marissa tells her mom to stay out of her life, but isn't all that angry or upset about it, probably because she's used to it by now. Ryan gets out of jail and goes to see his brother, only to find him out of the hospital (people in months-long comas tend to heal pretty quickly) and on a bus to Vegas. They wave to each other as the bus pulls away, and Ryan cries on Sandy's shoulder. The episode should have ended there, but then we had to see Marissa and Ryan cuddling at the lifeguard tower as they wonder if they'll be able to get past this. Seeing as how they were able to get through a season's worth of "Ryan is framed for attempted murder; the kids escape to Mexico!" arcs in just one episode, I'm thinking they'll be just fine by week.
Last season on The O.C., a bunch of new characters came and went, while the audience mostly just went. And then the season ended with Caleb dying, Kirsten going to Swedish rehab, and Marissa shooting Trey, and some of the audience came back, along with Tate Donovan.
And now, Season 3. It starts off very blue. Literally. Trey is wheeled into the ER as everyone speaks with the echoey voices of non-reality. Ryan and Marissa, followed by Seth and Summer, enter after the stretcher. Despite what the doctors are saying, Trey's medical emergency couldn't have been that urgent, since everyone had time to stop for haircuts on their way to the hospital. Ryan's looks very good, by the way. Flashbacks to scenes of Ryan and Trey's stormy relationship are intercut with Trey dying at the hospital. A doctor sees Ryan's battered face and says he needs medical attention. A cop says he can get it once they're done talking to him. Over in a corner, another cop is asking Marissa what she means when she says she shot the hospital's newest gunshot victim. Marissa may want to consider going into the exciting field of police work, since the intelligence of the profession's representatives so closely mimics her own. Ryan yells at Marissa not to say anything. We really know that this isn't a real scene when Seth notices someone other than himself and asks Ryan if he's okay. The doctors say they're losing Trey. Ryan's vision starts to go all funhouse mirror as Sandy runs in, asking what happened. Ryan passes out.
Ryan wakes up in the poolhouse, his face bruise-free. Seth enters, and Ryan says he just had "the worst nightmare," and we all wonder if Josh Schwartz is about to repeat Dallas's mistake. But no, it was a just a little fake-out, as Seth says that Ryan's nightmare is real, and that the "lawyer guy" is on his way over.
Post-credits establishing shots of Newport take us to Marissa and Summer, lounging by Marissa's pool. Marissa exposits that, of all the things she thought they'd be doing the week before their senior year began, facing charges of manslaughter after putting her boyfriend's brother in a coma wasn't one of them. Well, I'm glad Trey isn't dead, but I would like to know how a gunshot wound to the chest can put one in a coma for two freaking months. Then again, this is The O.C., not ER, so I guess we'll just have to make do and move on. Summer then attempts to actually be a sympathetic and reassuring friend and says that Marissa will "get through this." Marissa doesn't know if her relationship with Ryan will. She says it's like an "elephant in the room." Of course, everything looks like an elephant compared to the walking skeleton that is Mischa Barton, so that's not saying all that much. Summer has had enough of this trying-to-be-a-good-listener crap, and babbles on about how she's never known anyone in a coma before except for the people on The Valley, but that's usually just for silly melodramatic plot-furthering purposes. I agree. And the meta isn't cute when it serves solely to point out how many problems this particular plotline has. Summer concludes that the way Ryan went after his brother because of what Trey did to Marissa is "so freaking hot." Marissa doesn't respond, because, as selfish and self-absorbed as she is, even she would have been a better friend here than Summer. Finally, she says she hasn't been able to sleep at night from all that post-shooting guilt. "Oh, senior year," Summer sighs. And then we cut to the mansion they're sunning themselves outside of so we can all feel just a little less sorry for them.
Sandy makes some coffee for the aforementioned lawyer guy. He says that Ryan and Seth will be right down. The lawyer guy -- who reminds me of Robert Patrick in his Terminator 2 days -- says that his boss is sick of waiting for Trey to wake up to proceed with their case, especially with school starting and all those concerned calls from parents the school has been getting. Way to bend to the PTA, there, Newport D.A.! Sandy says there's nothing to prosecute: everyone says Marissa shot Trey to save Ryan's life. The Prosecutinator says that his office isn't so sure that's true, especially considering Ryan's criminal record and the fact that he had quite the motive for killing the guy who tried to rape his girlfriend. Right, whereas being the attempted rapee isn't a motive at all. Sandy warns him that if Ryan is brought up on charges, regardless of whether he's innocent, Social Services could take him away from the Cohens. The Prosecutinator says that's exactly their point: because Ryan has a lot more to lose, his girlfriend and friends would all want to cover for him. They also might want to cover for him if he were innocent, but no one mentions this as the Prosecutinator then asks where Kirsten is. "She's out of town," Sandy responds.
"My name is Kirsten and I'm an alcoholic," Kirsten the Alcoholic tells her rehab therapy group. Dr. "Woody" Woodruff tells Kirsten that she's made a ton of progress in rehab and has been a "model patient" that everyone else should strive to emulate. The rest of the group stares at the doctor's pet and mentally plans to hide a few minibar bottles of Absolut in her nightstand and then turn her in just to knock her down a few pegs. Actually, only one person is staring at Kirsten. It's Jeri Ryan, a.k.a. Ronnie Cook, but best known to me as Star Trek: Voyager's 7 of 9, although not because I ever watched that show because I am not a nerd and I certainly do not own any seasons of Star Trek: The Generation on DVD and especially not the season where Q turned the cast into Robin Hood and his merry men. Anyway, Kirsten says that she isn't better than everyone at EVERYTHING here, pointing out that Shelly is the best poker player by far. Shelly -- looking hilariously prim and proper all hunched over the ceramic teacup she desperately wishes contained moonshine, shoots Kirsten an "ix-nay on the oker-pay!" look, but it won't do her any good, for all must fall at the expense of Kirsten's little joke. And you just know Shelly's getting in a shitload of trouble later today for breaking the rehab center's strict "no gambling" policy.
Kirsten gets serious for a second and says that she's realized why she started drinking in the first place: it's all her dad's fault. I'm guessing that Shelly also has Kirsten beat in the "taking responsibility for your problems" department as well. Kirsten says that Caleb was an amazing man, but he was also very controlling and all she wanted to do was please him. But no matter how hard she tried -- "it was never enough," finishes 7 of 9. She immediately apologizes for being so rude and crapping on a fellow patient's recovery moment, but Kirsten says she was right: Kirsten always felt like she wasn't a good enough wife or daughter. Woody decides it's time for him to talk again and says that Kirsten has a learned a lot of good things that will continue to help her when she leaves them. "Are you trying to get rid of me?" Kirsten asks, and the group chuckles nervously at being called out like that. Woody says it looks like SURIAK's work is done, and that Kirsten is ready to leave. Kirsten's face falls, because she was really hoping to win her money back from Shelly the Shark before she left. Then she quickly recovers and says that's great news. 7 of 9 continues staring longingly at Kirsten like she's a big ol' bottle of tequila or something.
The Prosecutinator begins his deposition of Ryan and Seth individually, Sandy in attendance for both as their lawyer and parent. The P-1000 tells them to repeat what they told the police at the hospital, and they tell us everything we saw at the end of last season. Then the P-1000 gets down to the nitty-gritty, asking Ryan why his fingerprints were on the gun. Ryan says he took it away from Marissa to put the safety on. And then the police apparently decided not to test anyone's hands for gunshot residue, because then we wouldn't be able to devote this whole episode to Ryan's being falsely accused. And since this is The O.C. and not C.S.I., we'll just have to keep making do and moving on.
Hey, Jimmy! He wasn't in the opening credits, but here he is, setting the table for the Coopers' meeting with P-1000, asking Julie what snacks they should serve. Julie is more concerned with dressing like the mother of an innocent girl would. Since she doesn't have much experience as either one, we can excuse her choice of a vampy, low-cut dress. time, Julie -- and there will be a time -- try something with an apron. Julie tells us how neither she nor Marissa's lawyer wants Marissa to say she shot Trey. Jimmy points out that that's what actually happened, and that Marissa told the police that at the hospital. Julie dismisses this, saying Marissa wasn't in her right mind. Is she ever, though? The D.A.'s office thinks Marissa was lying to protect Ryan, and Julie would like it to stay that way, because things were much better for everyone before Ryan came to town. Jimmy says that nothing that happened to him or Julie was Ryan's fault, but Julie doesn't really care about things like timelines or reality or taking personal responsibility when she and Jimmy and Marissa can be a family again. And that other daughter she has, too. I guess.
Seth stops by the poolhouse to invite Ryan for a "post-depo dip." Ryan says he just showered, and he's going to visit Trey. Seth would rather go see a movie, the end of summer being the time when Hollywood puts out all their crap movies that they shelved during the summer blockbuster season. (I'd just like to point out that Adam Brody's film, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, came out in early June, while Ben McKenzie's Junebug came out in August.)
Julie offers lemonade to both sets of lawyers, trying her very, very hardest to act like that woman she saw that one time she watched Leave It To Beaver. Sadly, her pearl necklace was at the cleaner's. Marissa and Summer come out, and Summer is immediately told that she's not allowed out here. Summer volunteers to wait inside; Rachel Bilson must be real glad she woke up early to shoot that scene. Marissa's lawyer reminds her that everything she says during the deposition is just as binding as court testimony is. Marissa says she already told everyone everything that happened, so she doesn't understand what the problem is. The P-1000 says the problem is that they don't believe her. Then he melts into a mercury puddle.
Ryan sits at his comatose brother's bedside. From the doorway, Seth comments that Trey is a better listener now. Shitty listener pot calling shitty listener kettle black, there, dude. Seth says he'll give the brother some time alone, but Ryan tells him to wait up and follows him out of the room. And then, of course, Trey's pinky finger twitches. Wakey, wakey!
Ryan and Seth leave the hospital. Ryan says he wanted to kill his brother before, but now he'd do anything to have him back. He really thought Trey could start over in Newport and make things work out and Ryan could have his brother again, but now everything is screwed up and Ryan doesn't have any family left. "Well, that's not exactly true," Seth says, not sounding as hurt as he should.
Trey opens his eyes. With any luck, he won't go watching any of Kirsten's SURIAK scenes and fall back into the coma.
Seth and Ryan play a baseball videogame. Seth laments the recent-events-inspired "no violent videogames" rule, because he doesn't get baseball at all. Right on, Seth. The phone rings, and Seth goes to answer it as he comments that the P-1000 didn't even blink once during his deposition. The phone conversation is one-sided, as Seth takes a message for the absent Sandy and then hangs up. He tells Ryan that that was the hospital, and that Trey is awake. "..." says Ryan.
Why, is that the Palace of Versailles? Oh, no -- it's just SURIAK, the grandest rehab center in all the land. 7 'n 7 (tm JTMac99) formally introduces herself to Kirsten; she apologizes again for interrupting her during the group session, but explains that Kirsten seemed to be describing 7's own life. Kirsten and her bizarre casual rehab wear of an extremely tight halter top forgive 7, saying she's just glad she didn't "bore" her. But where is my apology? And then 7 'n 7 is butters Kirsten up with compliments about how brave and honest Kirsten is and asking her out for a coffee date. "Sure, I'd love to," Kirsten says, in a way that suggests that she would really rather not spend any more time with this strange woman, especially since she's already allotted all her post-rehab hangout time to Shelly and her brand-new gambling addiction.
Sandy drives up in his convertible Lexus, and Kirsten excuses herself to spend time with someone less creepy. As she and Sandy greet each other with a hug and a kiss, 7 'n 7 watches.
Sandy and Kirsten take a walk through the ridiculously beautiful SURIAK gardens as Sandy tells her how he and the boys tried to make peanut butter cookies to bring to Kirsten and wound up making a jar of peanut butter explode all over the microwave. Kirsten blames this on the metal foil lid thing on the top of the peanut butter jar, but even without that, peanut butter will do some weird stuff if you keep it in the microwave for long enough. Fires start. Very dangerous. Sandy says he's hoping that Kirsten will come back home before the guys make any more messes, and a look of panic crosses Kirsten's face. Sandy says that he wants to know when she's coming back so that they can clean the house for her and make everything shiny and new and pretend nothing bad ever happened. Kirsten stammers out a lie that she'll be sitting down with Woody soon to figure out her release date, and Sandy gives her a look like he doesn't believe her, but his cell rings before he can say anything. It's Seth, and Sandy has a brief one-sided conversation with him before telling Kirsten that he has to get back to work. It would appear that Kirsten doesn't know about Trey's little brush with death: between that and 7 'n 7's intense interest in watching Kirsten and her husband make out, it would appear that television sets are not included in SURIAK's tremendous budget. Sandy and Kirsten kiss goodbye, because when you're kissing, you don't have to feel so bad about all those secrets you're keeping from each other.
Ryan finds Marissa on the beach. He tells her that Trey is awake. "Oh my god," Marissa says, not sounding at all affected by this news. I do think Mischa Barton is trying, though. Maybe she'll be able to express emotion in a human way sometime around Season 10. Ryan reveals that he's been visiting Trey over the summer, which Marissa didn't know, and Ryan says that she shouldn't ever have to see Trey again. Ryan, on the other hand, doesn't have that choice. And whoever outfitted Marissa in that weird vest-thing joined in the center by a large hot pink flower should also be stripped of choices. Marissa says that, on the plus side, now that Trey's awake, he can tell everyone what really happened and they'll all be fine again. "Our future's in Trey's hands," Ryan agrees. Then they go to meet Seth and Summer at the diner. In Marissa's case, finally having nourishment in her body is probably the most important thing right now, but Ryan should have really known better and gone to see Trey to make sure his future didn't get screwed around with. Again.
Julie is alarmed when the executor of Caleb's estate tells her that it could take at least two more months before they have Caleb's finances sorted out and can start doling out his money. Julie says she needs the money now, and tosses some important files to the floor to take a seat to the lawyer. Well, messing up those important papers associated with your dead husband's estate won't get things moving any quicker, Jules. Jimmy gives the lawyer an "oh, you're in for it now" look before looking away to ignore Julie so that he can keep pretending that their relationship will work out. Julie says that she is a grieving widow, and that she just wants to know how much the will says she's getting. The lawyer says he can't tell her that, no matter how clumsily she tries to flirt with him to get her way. In the background, Jimmy answers his cell phone and says that it's Marissa's lawyer calling. Julie tries to decipher the lawyer's blinks to mean that she's getting more or less than $7 million, and then Jimmy announces that Trey is awake.
Surprise, surprise. No one's having a very good time at the diner. This is no good for Summer, who doesn't have to deal with any of the guilt or grief her friends do and isn't trying very hard to try to understand, and she announces it's time for them to do something fun with their last week before senior year, posthaste! Marissa says she has an idea, but she'll have to ask her dad first.
The kids sail away in Jimmy's yacht while hip music plays. They land at an island, and Summer tells Seth that he looked kind of hot driving that boat like that. "You have a weakness for seamen?" Seth asks. Summer decides that Seth isn't very hot anymore.
Over on some rocks, shirtless Ryan takes a seat and asks the air how it's doing. Oh, no, wait -- I'm sorry, that's not the air, that's Marissa! You see, she turned sideways and disappeared for a second. The Unfun Couple start to talk about "it," but then the Fun Couple interrupts them with a lecture about how now is not the time for serious discussions about attempted murder. It's time for fishing. But, Ryan points out, they don't have any bait. Seth says they have Summer, and we cut to a weird shot of Ryan taking his index finger out of his mouth and pointing down and looking really gay. Then Seth and Ryan chase Summer down the beach, and we go to a montage of the kids grabbing each other to throw them into the water, including a shot of Ryan carrying Seth. When he goes to pick up Marissa, she floats up and away into the sun and everyone is pleased. Later, Ryan and Marissa make out and Seth and Summer roast marshmallows on a bonfire. Even later, they're all gathered around the bonfire, where Summer yells at Seth for almost getting her bathing suit wet. And then Ryan puts on his Summer voice, which is a nasally whiny version of his own, and goes: "Cohen. I can't believe how you do that, Cohen." Apparently, this was an ad-lib on Ben's part, and Mischa tries not to break, and then starts laughing, as does Rachel. Adam Brody doesn't even smile. ["Ooh, someone doesn't like to share the ad-lib spotlight!" -- Wing Chun]
Now that it's nighttime, the evil can come out and play. A ridiculous pair of lace-up high-heeled sandals approach the nurse's station outside Trey's room. Sure enough, they belong to Julie. The nurse says that visiting hours are over, and Julie informs her that her name is Julie Cooper-Nichol, with the last part of the hyphenate bearing a remarkable resemblance to the name of the wing they're both currently standing in. The nurse adopts a properly meek tone, and Julie says she'd really hate it if her dead husband's desire to keep nurses employed had to "fall by the wayside."
Because the nurse doesn't have a backbone or, it would seem, a good grasp of current events, we then go to Trey's room, where the patient wakes up to find Julie and a ridiculous musical flourish standing over him. "I've been wanting to talk to you," she improperly grammars, and then closes the blinds to Trey's window out to the hall. Nurse Spineless finds nothing odd or suspicious about this. Julie picks up a pillow as she reminds Trey that right now, he's as helpless against her as Marissa was the night she was almost raped. Can you smell the irony? Probably not, over the stench of Trey's over-full colostomy bag, courtesy of Nurse Ineffective. "I'm sorry," Trey says. He had two months of thinking time, and that's the best he could do? At least Julie used the time to come up with an Evil Plan, which involves Trey's telling the police that Ryan shot him, for which lie Trey will earn $20,000. Because getting rid of boyfriends you don't approve of is so much more important than making sure the guy who tried to rape your daughter faces justice. I like evil characters as much as the person, but not when they're evil at the expense of reality. Trey is so surprised that the mother of his attempted rape victim is offering him money and a "get out of jail free" card that he doesn't answer immediately, so Julie holds her Pillow of Suffocation up just a little higher. "Ryan shot me," says Trey.
The morning, Seth is having problems with the realism of the Teen Wolf movie he's watching. I don't know enough about the franchise to tell if it's the Michael J. Fox version or the Jason Bateman one. Ryan sits down with a box of dry cereal and agrees that the correlation between being a werewolf and being really good at basketball is pretty weak. I find that when it comes to werewolves, especially werewolves in the '80s, there really are no limits. For instance, in the Thriller video, turning into a werewolf made Michael Jackson butch and intentionally scary. Anything is possible. Sandy enters, looking sick, and asks the guys to turn off the TV so that he can tell them Trey just told the police that Ryan shot him. Seth just says "that's a total lie," like we're talking about someone accusing Ryan of cheating on a math test. Ryan looks like he expected this all along. Sandy says they're issuing a warrant for Ryan's arrest in a few hours, and he needs to know that Ryan is telling him the total truth. "What difference does it make?" Ryan grunts, and retreats to the poolhouse. "You're gonna fix this, right?" Seth asks his dad. Grow up, Seth.
A cheerful Julie greets the morning with mimosas. Jimmy is a little suspicious about the fact that everything Julie wanted to happen did happen. He reminds Julie that if Marissa shot Trey to save Ryan, she wouldn't be charged with anything. Julie says that might be true, but it would also mean Marissa couldn't go to college, due to a brand-new rule about having to report any and all police investigations regardless of their outcome. I mean, come on. I really tend to doubt all those prestigious East Coast colleges would have heard about any of this, or hold it against Marissa if they did. If anything, shooting the guy who tried to rape you in self-defense makes you a stand-out applicant, and probably gives you a killer essay topic to boot. Although, considering we all know that the kids are all going to end up going to the same nearby college ("Orange County College" or "Pacific University," anyone?) anyway, Julie might be right about them finding out about everything. And, Julie adds, Ryan is a blue-collar thug and always has been, so it's best for everyone if he goes away so that the Coopers can collect on Caleb's will and go back to being the normal, happy family they never actually were.
Marissa wanders in and groggily asks what's for breakfast. She has to tell us that she's been up all night, since you wouldn't be able to tell from her perfectly made-up face and hair. Julie says she has some great news. Marissa looks over to her dad for the shoe that is sure to drop, and he indeed says that the news isn't very good for Ryan.
Seth and Summer watch the Poolhouse of Brooding and decide to get something for Ryan to cheer him up. Unless it's a time machine, I don't think it'll do much, but nice try, guys. Anyway, it turns out that they have no idea what Ryan really likes anyway, so they give up. Summer doesn't want just to leave Ryan alone in there, but Seth says he has no idea what to say to him. "He's never been arrested before," he says, and then adds, "for attempted murder."
Marissa comes over and, despite Seth and Summer's protests that Ryan isn't seeing anyone right now, she rushes over to the poolhouse. When she gets there, the shades have all magically opened and Ryan is packing. Seth notes that it's the "Ryan Atwood Escapist Ensemble" of a hoodie, wifebeater, and leather jacket. Hee, although you might want to add something to your incredibly small list of character choices for Ryan when he's faced with something difficult. Ryan says that no one believes him, so he's running away, because that is sure to prove them wrong. Marissa says that they shouldn't run away, and I almost thought someone on this show was actually acting logically until she adds that they can sail away. And by "they," she means all four of them. Way to volunteer others in your criminal activities, Marissa. Seth and Summer reluctantly agree to come along.
Over at the boring lameness of drug rehab, 7 'n 7 tells Kirsten she knows that Kirsten didn't tell her husband that the doctors cleared her for release. 7 'n 7 says she's "been there," and by "been there," she means that she ransacked her spice rack to get wasted on vanilla extract. Kirsten's all, "thanks for the idea!" and 7 'n 7 says that she actually got drunk on cough syrup, and Kirsten's pretty psyched to have two outs if things get too rough when she goes back home. The show's teenage audience is pretty thrilled as well, because this means they no longer have to keep stealing sips from their parents' liquor bottles and then replacing them with water to keep the levels right. What this show lacks in medical or criminal justice knowledge, it more than makes up for in underage drinking secrets. Kirsten says she's afraid that, despite what Woody thinks, she's not ready to leave and will only let her husband and sons down again if she goes home. 7 'n 7 tells her Kirsten should take all the time she thinks she needs, especially as this will allow 7's evil plan to germinate.
Sandy goes to the poolhouse, but it's empty except for a Journey poster (apparently, someone knows something about Ryan's likes and dislikes) on the wall, which is hilarious. The police come to the front door to arrest Ryan, and Sandy tells them they're "a little late."
Julie checks out Marissa's room and reports to Sandy, via the phone, that Marissa's gone too. "You don't think they'd try anything, do you?" she asks. We don't get to hear Sandy's response, which is probably a loud guffaw followed by a list of all the stupid plans their kids have hatched in the face of contrived danger. Then Jimmy comes in and asks what's going on, and Julie just hangs up on Sandy to tell Jimmy that their daughter is missing. Jimmy immediately puts the two and two together that Marissa did not when she thought of this plan, and comes up with four dumb kids on his boat.
The kids get on Jimmy's boat and set up to sail to Catalina. Seth says the trip will take about four hours, although considering they're sailing in the windless night, I'd think it'd take a bit longer than that, and then they can go to Mexico or something from there. Ryan says they could get in a lot of trouble for this, and it's okay with him if they want to go before it's too late. Seth says it's a great excuse to skip school, and Marissa says it's not like this is a permanent thing; they're just running away until they can convince Trey to tell the truth. And how, pray tell, do they plan to do that from their Mexican hideout? Will they be sending carrier pigeons with tiny notes that read "Dear Trey, please tell the truth so we can come back. Summer accidentally drank the water yesterday and the situation is fast becoming dire. Love, Ryan"? And why are they going to Catalina first? You're just as likely to get caught there as you are on the mainland. It's not like they don't have a police force or a phone over there. In fact, their police officers would have to be better than Newport's by default. Not that I don't support this plan to go to Mexico, considering how things ended up for Marissa the last time she was there. None of this matters anyway, since the police roar up to arrest them.
Ryan and his hot blue jumpsuit are escorted to the visitor's room, where Sandy says he's glad to see that it still fits. Apparently this jail has decided to spend money on a tailor instead of light bulbs: the place is really, really, dark, which can't be the best idea for a prison. Ryan takes a seat, and Sandy congratulates him on looking guilty as hell by trying to run away. Ryan says that his record and his biological family mean he's always guilty until proven innocent, so he had no choice but to...well, make everyone think they were right all along, really. Sandy says that things aren't as hopeless as Ryan seems to think, and that Trey could always change his mind. "How's that gonna happen?" Ryan asks.
Marissa and Summer are dressed in their candy striper uniforms from their tenth-grade days of hospital volunteering. Seth accompanies them, pushing a cart of flowers but not wearing a candy-striper dress. He says that, while he loves those tight little dresses, he also thinks that this plan is a little too light-hearted given Ryan's predicament. He's right, too: they might as well be assembling the ACME jet-powered rollerskates they bought to propel Ryan out of jail but which will end up exploding and covering him with black soot. How is it that the writers know enough about what they're doing to give Seth these meta lines, but not enough to prevent the ridiculousness from happening in the first place?
The group approaches a nurse's station, and greets a nurse Summer knows from her volunteer days. The nurse is happy to see her, and asks where she's been for the last two years. Summer says that while she loved working with sick people, they kept making her sick, too. So she's been reassigned to gunshot victims, because "you can't catch one of those." Too bad, because Summer kinda deserves to be shot for her pathetic excuse and the airheaded way she said it. Even Marissa starts laughing at her, and she has all the intelligence of one of those bouquets on Seth's cart. Fortunately, the day shift nursing staff isn't any smarter than the night shift, and she asks them who they want to see.
We cut to Marissa entering a patient's room. It's a poor old man who was in a car accident and doesn't have any family left to visit him. Marissa gives him some flowers and volunteers to read to him while he cries in happiness at the kind gesture. Okay, no -- she's visiting Trey. He protests that he doesn't want to speak to anyone else today. When he sees her, he laughs mirthlessly and asks her if she's going to "finish the job." Marissa says that if he remembers what happened so well, then why did he lie to the police? Trey says he did it to protect her. Marissa points out that the attempt to be noble falters somewhat when it ends up getting his own brother framed for attempted murder. Trey and his yellow teeth say he's really sorry about everything, but that he "just didn't know how to make it right. And she offered [him] a way out." Who, Marissa asks, is this "she"? "Your mom," Trey says. Mischa Barton tries her very hardest to have a reaction here, and while the proper motions are all there, her face remains pretty blank. I don't think her forehead moved at all. Is Mischa even old enough for Botox? Marissa steps forward and tells Trey that there's actually only one way for him to make it right. Trey looks pained, but that might just be because Marissa accidentally stepped on his catheter tube.
Sandy and Jimmy meet at the yacht club, and Jimmy says he's sorry about Ryan's getting arrested and stuff. Sandy says that's why he's there, actually; he couldn't figure out why Trey would lie about who shot him until he realized that someone must have paid him to. And he could only think of one person who would sink that low. I believe Julie prefers to think of it as "make lemons into more lemonade to serve to the P-1000." Jimmy just looks down, because he knew the truth all along, but was happier when he could ignore it. He tells Sandy that he found out about Julie's scheme "too late" to do anything. Sandy tells him to "do the right thing," and Jimmy leaves to torch a pizzeria. Then he comes back and says that his situation is complicated, and that he's trying to protect his family, just like Sandy is. Sandy says that it's quite a coincidence how Jimmy's concern for his family picked up right around the same time that Caleb left his ex-wife a rich widow. Then his cell rings, and he listens for a while before letting out a relieved "oookay." When he gets off the phone, he delights in telling Jimmy that he can't wait for Julie to hear what he just heard.
Julie is currently trying to be one of those desperate housewives she's heard are all the rage lately and do laundry. She pulls out a teeny-tiny t-shirt, and then Marissa walks in. Julie tells her that whatever no longer fits after its bout with Julie's laundry skills can be sent off to Marissa's sister. I don't think Julie needs to worry about any of Marissa's clothes being too small for her. Chihuahuas have been known to give her sweaters they've grown out of. Marissa doesn't care about clothes, though, because she has a copy of Trey's signed confession -- the real one. Julie glances at it, hoping there isn't any mention of how she threatened the guy with pillow death to make him lie, and then angrily asks Marissa if she knows what she just did. Marissa says she knows she isn't going to jail for shooting someone in self-defense. Julie says that's not what matters; in town-wide scandals like this, no one cares about little details like "attempted rape" and "self-defense." Nor, it seems, does Julie. Marissa casually mentions to Julie that she would appreciate it if Julie stayed out of her life. And with mild annoyance like that, how can Julie not heed her daughter's request?
Ryan signs his release form and leaves prison. Sandy's waiting for him on the outside, and Ryan greets him with a really cute smile. He asks what happened. Sandy says he has a "helluva girlfriend," and that, if he marries her, he'll have a "helluva mother-in-law," too. Ryan says he needs to do something. I hope it has nothing to do with Sandy's mention of him getting married to Marissa. Bad, Sandy! Bad!
Ryan enters Trey's hospital room to find that Trey left in a hurry. Apparently, his muscles didn't atrophy in the slightest after his two-month-long coma. That's convenient.
As the sad music swells, Trey boards a bus with the new clothes and the bus ticket he somehow managed to get despite having just escaped from the hospital with nothing. Sandy's car pulls up, and Ryan runs out. He sees Trey on the bus, and stares because he doesn't know what to do now. Then Trey sees him. They wave at each other. Trey smiles a little, and the bus pulls away, headed for Las Vegas. Ryan watches it go, and looks just devastated because even though Trey is an asshole and hurt him and tried to rape his girlfriend, Ryan doesn't want to lose his brother. Sandy puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder, and then Ryan turns and cries on Sandy's shoulder. After an initial moment of surprise at the extremely rare gesture of physical affection, Sandy gives Ryan a nice, fatherly hug. Aw.
I wish the episode has just ended there, but now we have to see Kirsten staring at the Chrismukkah picture in her rehab room. 7 'n 7 watches her, seeming very evil. Because on this show, evil means not minding your own damn business.
Crap, we're at the lifeguard shack. Ryan finds Marissa there, and thanks her for getting him out of jail. They kiss, and he takes a seat to her. She asks him if he's okay, and Ryan says that when he and Trey were kids, Trey got in a fight with their mom and her "boyfriend of the day" and ran away from home. Ryan stayed up all night wondering where he went because he didn't think he could make it in the world without him. And now, he's back to being alone and wondering where his brother is. Marissa reminds him for the umpteenth time that he isn't alone this time. She wants to put "this" behind them. Ryan wants to, too, but he doesn't know if they can. They both hope so.