Previously: lots of shenanigans led up to Kirsten getting in a massive car wreck -- but in this brief recap, we're not shown the catastrophic wreckage, because it makes it too ridiculous that she escapes with her skull intact.
We're treated to a respite from Cohen Kitchen openers this week, in favor of a late-night visit by Seth to Ryan's poolhouse. His whispered sweet nothings aren't enough to rouse Ryan, so Seth sits down and booms something in a really deep voice that sends Ryan rocketing up out of his bed. I can't tell if it's a Trey or Marissa imitation, but if it's the latter, Seth still gave it too much ovary. "What time is it?" grunts Ryan. "It's 5:30....ish," Seth coughs. "You're showing up earlier and earlier," Ryan mutters. Seth figures it's just smart planning, because they have so much to gossip about; Ryan, however, is bored by the idea of having to rehash Summer washing those comic-book geeks right out of her hair, so he turns off the light and tries to sleep again. But Seth is a needy boy with conversational blue balls that won't be soothed until he can blow a verbal wad. He turns the light on again and explains to Ryan that there is a new wrinkle: prom. "I have to convince Summer to go with me," he says. "We as a couple must partake in the magical rite of passage known as The Prom." Ryan isn't that interested in the magic that ensues when you put pretty people in fancy clothes, give them a bad DJ and limos stocked with booze, and watch them self-destruct and spill their insides all over a Friar Tux special. Seth prefers to think of it as a romantic night of cheek-to-cheek swaying and a corsage. Apparently, in fifth grade, Seth sat behind Summer and Marissa in computer class and heard the girls fantasizing about prom. "Really honed my eavesdropping skills that year," he muses. "The point is, Summer has forever dreamed of going to the prom, and I, in turn, would dream of going with her." Ryan crabs that when Seth's dream shatters like so many tiny bottles of vodka in a sixteen-year-old's dropped clutch purse, he'll be in good company: Ryan isn't going either. Seth tsks that just because Ryan saw Trey leaving Marissa's house, it doesn't mean Trey is partaking of the forbidden donut. "Then what does it mean?" Ryan asks, sitting in a way that makes his triceps pop. "Maybe he's borrowing something, like...a book, or one of her newsboy caps," Seth says. Awesome. Ryan still thinks some hanky-panky ensued, and would very much like to talk to her about it, but she seems insistent that he not know.
Just then, the phone rings. "Kind of early for a phone call," Seth says. "Kind of early for a lot of things," glares Ryan. For good measure, he rearranges his arms slightly so that every muscle is assaulting us with its sculpted splendor. Seth's face falls as he talks on the phone; when he hangs up, he tells Ryan that Kirsten was in a car accident and is at the hospital. And I'm confused again about the timeline: when Sandy went out looking for her, it was with time to make it to Seth's comic launch (had it not fallen apart); when Kirsten left the bar, it was still in evening-hop mode, and she called Sandy immediately and crashed seconds later. So it's weird to me that it took until the late-wee hours of the morning for Sandy to make this call, although maybe he waited until the jaws of life did their thing...? It might not bother me as much if the shot weren't a daylight establishing shot of a hospital. Which means that the sun came up completely in the time it took Seth and Ryan to dress and leave the house in pitch-black morning. It just sort of vexes me, is all.
Anyway, it's daytime, we're at the hospital, and Sandy is staring sadly through a window into Kirsten's room. She looks marvelous for someone who was so recently pancaked in a Jeep. But she also looks sad, because she has a big old scrape on her forehead, a bruise under her eye, and vodka shakes like you wouldn't believe. "I'm so glad you're okay," Sandy breathes tremulously, kissing her on the forehead. She apologizes. "We'll get through this," he promises. Kirsten opens a cupped hand and shows that her wedding bands are in pieces: "They had to cut them off," she mopes. Sandy brushes it off the metaphor by offering up another one, saying she was due for an upgrade anyway. Seth and Ryan enter cautiously. Kirsten downplays to them that she was simply talking on her cell phone when the accident happened, causing Sandy to make a mental note of her selective truth-telling. Kirsten insists that she'll be just fine after a day or so on the couch. Seth tells her that the circumstances prompt drastic action: "I'll lift my parental ban on my DVD collection." Sandy deadpans, "What an honor." Kirsten beams weakly as Seth offers up anything from House of Flying Daggers to Evil Dead 2 to the X-Men movies.
As they yammer, Sandy escapes to go talk to the cop who attended the accident. "She blew a 0.08," the cop says. Sandy looks shocked -- probably because he's surprised it was so low. The cop whispers that it's possible he read it wrong, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, and maybe she blew a 0.07. But Sandy won't ask for that kind of treatment. He'll get it anyway. "[Just] promise me you'll get her some help," the cop says.
Harbor High is sporting a massive banner advertising Under the O.Sea, the school's junior prom. Marissa whines that the Enchantment Under The Sea rip-off she's organizing is a lot more work than she thought it would be, mostly because none of the bands knows "Earth Angel" from Middle Earth. "Do you know how to make a papier mâché octopus?" she asks, frustrated. Summer suggests that maybe Ryan can bring her one instead of a corsage, prompting Marissa to whine that she doesn't think Ryan will be bringing her anything. Summer is confused. "It's complicated," Marissa sighs, marinating in self-pity. Then she decides she wants to change the subject she herself brought up in the first place. This only serves to make Summer more curious, and should further Marissa's quest for an honorary Master's in attention-whoring. Marissa announces that Summer is the rumored front-runner for prom queen: "Isn't that your fifth-grade dream coming true?" "No, my dream was an actual date: a hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel," Summer pouts. She has got to start dreaming bigger. Carnations? No. Summer Roberts wouldn't stand for the world's cheapest flower. Summer laments that, instead, she's "drawing straws between Nerd Boy and Assclown." She'd rather skip than have to choose, because she knows that will devolve into a humiliating catfight -- the fisticuffs equivalent to doggie-paddle. Marissa shoots her a hangdog look: "I'm building the lost city of Atlantis out of streamers and tape. You've gotta at least show up." Summer tries to bargain that she'll come if Marissa and Ryan work out their mysterious problem. "I wouldn't hold my breath," Marissa sighs. She should, though -- breathing burns calories, and I don't think she has any left in her to scorch.
Julie shows up at Casa Cohen with a fruit basket for Kirsten. I know it would've been so inappropriate, but I kind of wish she'd brought them a bottle of wine. "I should've seen this coming," Sandy frets to her, worried. Julie shrugs that it's not that big a deal that Kirsten's been boozing it up lately, because it's been rough for everyone lately. "Even me," she says pointedly. Sandy stops and levels her with a glance. "Okay..." he says warily. Julie admits that, although she didn't really come there to talk about herself, she's more than happy to accept this detour. As she hands him a document, Sandy gulps that if it involves her naked body, he needs a warning. And probably some of Kirsten's Absolut Vision-Blurrer. But no, it's just her pre-nup, which she wants Sandy to scan for a loophole. He translates that if she and Caleb are married for more than a year, Julie gets at least $3 millionl; less than that, and she is as fiscally bankrupt as she occasionally is morally. Setting her jaw, Julie says, "Eleven months, twenty-seven days. Why do you think he's in such a rush to divorce me?" Sandy says Caleb is a wily bastard, but also a smart one. She's out of luck unless she can stall him from filing the papers by Monday.
At school, Seth approaches Zach, and apologizes for his self-proclaimed Bruce Banner moment at the comic-book launch. The two of them maturely agree to share the blame for the madness, and to move on like adults. Bravo, boys. Zach wonders if Summer will ever forgive them for it, to which I say, there are plenty of other fish in the O.Sea. Seth, though, is seized with optimism, and decides that Summer absolutely WILL forgive them once she sees how composed and grown-up they are being. "No longer ruled by our Y chromosomes," Zach agrees emphatically. They insist that they are bastions of grace and dignity. And they will immediately be called upon to prove it, because of the brunette pixie stick heading in their direction with vengeance on her mind. Before Zach or Seth can offer up any kind of platitude, Summer announces that she doesn't care about their excuses and she doesn't want to forgive them. However, she does want to go to the prom, but is not yet modern enough to stick to her guns and attend stag. So she will play on their weak wills by demanding that one of them steps up and anoints himself her date. She doesn't care which one: "I'm too pissed off and tired to choose." Wow, what a great plan -- put your fate in the hands of the two oafs who infuriate you the most. Summer really, really needs a hobby. "Oh, and my dress is a magenta color, so my corsage should be in that general family," she adds before flouncing off. Zach correctly determines that Summer has lost her mind. "Yeah, dude," Seth nods, offering, "I'll take one for the team." Zach objects, because of course, he also wants to take to his prom a girl who only wants him there as a placeholder. "I saw her first," Seth sputters, petering out as he realizes that's not going to work. Zach's phone vibrates; it's Reed, texting him that she is at the diner and wants to meet both Seth and him immediately. "The ladies are all over us, and not in a good way," Seth moans. Zach comes up with the genius idea that, well, if Reed's at the diner and wants to meet them, then the first thing they should do is go meet Reed at the diner. He belongs at the head of the class. They promise to sort out the Summer situation later.
Cohens. Sandy brings Kirsten a mug of something steaming and unleaded, and then tries to be gentle about handing her a brochure for a very lovely rehab facility. Kirsten responds by handing him a flyer for a necrophilia support group so that he won't bang a walking corpse again. "I'm asking you to get help," Sandy says quietly. "Nobody needs to know. We can say you're taking a trip." Kirsten is well aware that anyone in this general area who takes a sudden solo junket is always actually in rehab. It is actually a more cunning cover story to say, "Kirsten is in rehab." She is galled at the idea and insists that she is done with drinking. "Just like that," Sandy challenges her, pointing out that you can't just make a drinking problem go away; Kirsten counters that when you almost lose everything, you certainly can scare yourself straight. She sits up with very carefully crafted purpose and announces that, by gum, she is going to dump every last drop of alcohol in the house down the drain. Take back the liver! Come on! Who's with her? Kelly Rowan does a great job acting like she's sincere, but leaving just enough suspicion that she is making a big show of this for Sandy's benefit. He seems fully sold on the former, and follows her eagerly.
Marissa walks around in a bit of a snit, which would easily have been avoided had she not put on a canary yellow tank top with teal lace accents and a green paisley cropped jacket. She looks vaguely fungal. Ryan chases her, perhaps armed with a great ointment for that. "I know something is going on," Sherlock Atwood blurts, adding that he saw Trey leaving Marissa's house. She gives a sad sigh. "It's not what you think," she offers. Ryan points out that he's asked her multiple times what's up, and she never says anything, so all he can do is guess. Marissa carefully asks exactly what his guess might be. "You and Trey?" Ryan asks, gingerly. "You think we hooked up? Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence," she snarls, as if she does not mostly have herself to blame for Ryan's assumption given that she's acted strange, fled his tongue, and flatly refused to explain any of it. Ryan does point that out, and adds that Trey is totally avoiding him, so he's not sure what other conclusion to draw, since he's not a very accomplished or creative artist. Marissa would prefer that Ryan give her more credit than that, and says, "I didn't hook up with him." As she leaves, she spits, "And if you don't believe me, why don't you ask your brother what happened." Yes, that will clear everything up, because Trey is super-honest.
Reed is irate, staring daggers at Seth and Ryan. "I understand you're probably a bit upset [about the launch]," Seth begins. He tries to convince her that there's hilarity there somewhere, and barfs up the "comedy equals tragedy plus time" adage, but Reed doesn't care for the mathematics of suckpigs; she meets this with a glare that would char pork. Zach interjects a sensible apology: "We're sorry. We had a huge opportunity, and we blew it. I hope we can make it up to you." Seth coughs, "I was gonna say that." Reed chokes that she hates, hates, hates giving them good news, but sadly she must: George Lucas is interested in Atomic County and might want to make it into his movie. With a few minor adjustments that will make it worse, bloated, and 80% CGI, naturally. Seth and Zach are delighted that such a giant likes their work. "It's happening! We're this decade's Matt and Ben!" Seth crows, and it looks a bit like he hesitates before deciding to point to himself on "Matt" and Zach on "Ben." I like to think he deliberately made himself the hotter star who doesn't have alleged hygiene issues. Reed says that Lucas is coming to town that weekend and wants to meet, but only one of them will be allowed to go. Reed: "Face it, you two can't do anything together except whine about Summer. I can't face another debacle. I can't handle another debacle. I....no." She, just like Summer, is too irate to care which of them goes, and refuses to decide, even though she too probably knows exactly which one ought to go and yet is not going to bother. Reed is probably so regretting getting into business with high-schoolers. She tells them the name of the restaurant and orders one of them to show, closing with the threat of physical harm if anyone chokes out the word "Summer."
Once Reed is gone, Zach bubbles over with glee at the idea of meeting George Lucas: "I have to go to that meeting! Do you realize what that can do for me?" Well, for you both, right? Yeah. Seth points out that he's dreamed of this moment since he was in utero. Zach tries to throw the prom thing at Seth, but he's not catching that pass, and they agree that they need a brilliant scheme to settle which guy gets to spend the evening with which bloated ego. Seth blows out his cheeks, devoid of any sane ideas. On a brighter note, I like the two of them so much more when they're getting along. It's one of the show's better couplings.
Caleb shows up at the Cohen house to check in on Kirsten. He rings the doorbell. This house and Trey's apartment are the only ones in Newport that are not open to the public. Caleb is pleased to hear that Kirsten is both shaken and stirred: "Drunk driving, at her age? It's a disgrace." Sandy invites Caleb to shuffle his ass right back out the door if he can't be supportive during this time of crisis. Kirsten slowly enters the kitchen and says she can handle this, so Sandy stalks outside to blow off some steam.
Sternly, Caleb tells Kirsten that he's relieved to see her in one piece. She smiles comfortingly and insists she's totally fine. "It's not the end of the world," she says reassuringly. "How are things at the office?" Caleb isn't swayed by this: "You could have been killed." "I learned my lesson -- always eat dinner," cracks Kirsten. Caleb is not impressed by her glibness. Kirsten, much harder now: "I made an error in judgment. You should be familiar with that." Caleb doesn't think Kirsten should deflect this: "You have a problem," he lectures. "My God, did you give any thought to your kids?" Nice catch by the forum on his use of the plural -- I listened right over that the first time. It's uncharacteristic for Caleb to think of Ryan. Maybe it was a mistake. But if not, I like it. Kirsten's eyes tear up as she staunchly hisses that she is a good mother. "You're also an alcoholic!" Caleb blasts her. "Your mother was one, too. She did her best to hide it, but I always knew." Kirsten is furious, slowly turning red as her eyes get wetter. "Why do you think Mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at seventeen? If this family is screwed up, it's because of you!" she screams. Caleb huffs that he gave Kirsten everything she ever wanted. "I may like my chardonnay, but I am NOT going to die alone, and that's more than I can say for you!" she yells through tears, her forehead veins throbbing like mad. Great scene. And I'm glad somebody mentioned the effect this might have on Seth and Ryan.
While open rage is boiling over at the Cohen manse, Ryan's more subdued irritation is frothing at Trey's place. He knocks; no answer. On the spot, he calls and leaves a message on the machine asking for Trey to please get in touch.
Summer is lying out on the school lawn, reading. I guess Seth and Zach ditched school to meet with Reed, then. That, or Summer needs a hobby more than I previously thought. The guys have decided to try to wheedle Summer into making this easy for them; Seth's opening salvo is to point out that Summer, despite pretending she doesn't care, clearly must hate one of them slightly less than the other. She will not let them off the hook, pointing out that she's tried choosing -- Zach when Seth ditched for Portland; Seth when Zach went to Italy -- but that it never seemed to stick. That is totally revisionist. She chose Seth for reasons that had nothing to do with Zach's leaving, and it only didn't stick because she got in a jealous funk. Plus, she is making herself sound like a wishy-washy manipulator who is afraid to be alone. I thought this girl had a therapist, but clearly, that person is an ignorant mope. Summer blithely leaves it up to them: "Rock-paper-scissors, flip a coin....I don't care," she insists. Oh, yes she does. If she knew they were actually going to flip for her rather than fight for her, you just know she'd shit a brick. And then hurl it at them. Seth and Zach skulk away and actually do agree to flip for her. But suddenly, Zach points out that they can't do it then, or else they'll both spend the twenty-four hours trying to back out of whatever they win. He fails to realize that if they both do that, an immediate swap will fix that little problem. But no, Zach says they have to do it before prom so that they won't have time to feel regret until each of them is actually at the event and spends the whole time miserable. And they both have to rent contingency tuxes. Clever.
Seth teleports himself to the poolhouse, where he sits down on the kitchenette steps and faces a sulking Ryan. He guesses that the long face means Ryan spoke to Marissa. Ryan says that she denied his charge, but that he knows something happened, so he's not sure what to think; he can't get Trey to return his calls. Seth wisely points out that Ryan can either sit there and spin wild theories, or he can believe Marissa and move on with his life. "I might add that you have no reason not to [believe her]," Seth says. "Put this weird non-fight behind you guys [and] go to prom together." Ryan isn't in the mood for rites of passage. Seth -- acknowledging that his reference base is a slew of Saved By The Bell episodes -- informs Ryan that the prom is a seminal moment meant to be shared. That show is magic. Whither Mr. Belding? He'd add some real gravitas to Harbor High. Ryan wonders if Seth is trying to make this conversation about him and Summer, which Seth denies, and then concedes, but only insofar as he and Summer are not together because of a stupid fight, and Ryan shouldn't suffer the same fate with Marissa: "Learn from the error of my ways, please. Somebody really should." Hee. Ryan looks equal parts motivated and stunned by this moment of sagacity.
Caleb rings the doorbell at Chez Cooper-Nichol, and I am officially delighted by this revolutionary adherence to social decorum. Julie opens the door and regards him. "Is this a booty call?" she says brightly. Heh. "Not in the least," Caleb smiles. He wants his sleeping pills, and apparently, Julie has to lead him upstairs to get them, because he's old and probably doesn't remember the way to the bathroom. As they walk. Caleb tells Julie that it's not the divorce causing his insomnia -- it's his recent fight with Kirsten. "I can't stop thinking about it," he laments. Julie patiently suggests that he try apologizing, or if he's too cowardly, writing a letter to Kirsten that says all the things he's too scared to say in person. Caleb is impressed with Julie's good advice. I am, too. She and I need to have cocktails. "Sometimes, you surprise me, Juju," he says. What's up with him and the repetitive nicknames? "Juju," "Kiki"....what was Hailey? "Haha"? Maybe that's why she left home at seventeen -- to escape her destiny. Julie smiles at Caleb's faint praise and scuttles off into the bathroom to get the pills. But as she grabs the bottle, she gets a scheming look in her eyes. Caleb, outside, calls that he could've located them in half the time if he were blind. Julie cheerfully exits the bathroom with the pill bottle and warns him to take only one. Then she suggests that they get together the night. He's amused. Julie: "All right, I guess it is [kind of odd], but think of it as one last hurrah. Probably the last night we'll ever spend together." Caleb grins that she's not going to succeed in seducing him out of the divorce. He plans to file bright and early Monday morning. Julie shrugs that he is welcome to send over the papers so that she can sign them, and that they'll make it a divorce party. Caleb chuckles: "Why not? It's a fitting end to a bizarre marriage like ours." As he leaves, Julie reenters her bathroom and lifts up a hand towel, under which she has hidden a rather hefty chunk of Caleb's pills. Her jaw tense, she stares into middle distance, where all good shenanigans are conceived.
We are halfway through the episode, and neither Ryan nor Seth has mentioned to anyone they allege to care about that Kirsten had a major brush with death. Just thought I'd share that the different generations' stories all more or less still exist in a vacuum.
Ryan chases down Marissa, then spots her updo and apologizes to the girl for mistaking her for his girlfriend, when she is in fact a milkmaid. Ah, but then he sees that she's wearing a jacket that comes down, I kid you not, only an inch below her armpits, and realizes this sartorially challenged fraulein is indeed the Marissa who confuses him so. "I'm sorry I went off on you," he says. "I get it," she replies. "I've been kind of all over the map." Yes, and you ran away during a makeout session. I feel like someone would have brought that up by now. Ryan gruffly says that if Marissa says nothing happened, then it must be true, and how about that prom! That both makes everything okay and erases any ugly thoughts of Trey from Marissa's head, and she proceeds to lick Ryan's esophagus. Jess the Drug Ho watches from behind a nearby pillar, because seniors at Harbor have nothing better to do than skulk.
Kirsten sits forlornly at the kitchen table. Sandy enters and realizes that she hasn't slept all night. He kisses her, and she leans against his chest. Sandy tenderly tells her that no fight they've ever gotten into has driven Caleb away. "You couldn't beat him off with a stick," he says, quasi-reassuringly. I love that Sandy manages to support her without actually relinquishing his distaste for Cal. "The things I said..." Kirsten trails off. Sandy advises Kirsten to give it time, and then suggests a quiet night in with take-out and some of Seth's taboo DVDs, which they should get while they're in a grace period. Kirsten thinks maybe she should talk to Caleb, but Sandy points out that the two of them need to get back on solid ground before they try annexing any more territory. Kirsten digests this, and then consents: "Well, I've never seen House of Flying Daggers." No, but put her in a room with Cal one more time and she might find herself living it.
Ryan shuts his locker, which reveals that he's being watched by Jess the Drug Ho as she tugs on her hair and smiles at him in that lusty, dirty way to which we've all become so regrettably accustomed. "Scared you," she sing-songs, all nasal. Ryan's grossed out and actually backs away. "What do you want?" he asks. "A date for the prom. You taken?" she asks. Yeah, except it's the JUNIOR prom, Jess the Senior-Class Drug Ho. If you want to go to a dance with these nitwits that badly, wait until you're held back and can enjoy at least two proms with them during The O.C.: Senior Year(s). Jess guesses that Ryan's reticence means he's taken already, and by one Marissa Cooper: "Does it bother you, getting your brother's sloppy seconds?" Ryan insists that nothing happened. Jess shrugs meaningfully and says she'd tell Ryan to ask Trey, if he hadn't run off to Chino. Ryan's interest is piqued. "You'd better not be screwing with me," Ryan intones. "Apparently, I'm the only one who's not," she grins.
Seth and Zach prepare to flip the coin. I guess that means the prom is on a Friday night and not a Saturday, which loses the ladies a full day of prep work -- and that seems like a sin no self-respecting Newport Beach school would commit. If only Julie Cooper-Nichol would attend school board meetings. Seth exposits that he has an emergency tux in the car, and in his hot little hand to wear to the Lucas meeting is the Boba Fett t-shirt he bought when he was eight. "Dude, it's a little small," Zach says. Yes, a little, but not by as much as it probably should be. They take deep breaths and flip the coin. Both stare at it. "Just as I'd hoped," Seth says. They wish each other luck; Zach slaps Seth's shoulder, and Seth in turn reaches to Zach's and....plucks a piece of fluff off of it. Hee.
Julie cracks pill after pill into a margarita that we can only assume is for Caleb. Her hair is wildly wavy with a flower tucked in it, and she's wearing a skimpy leopard-print bikini and a sarong. Frankly, she looks outstanding. Memo to Mischa and Rachel: this is how hot you can be without dieting or snorting away all your body fat. As she saunters out to the patio, she greets Caleb, who finds her attire very amusing. And she does almost look like a drag queen -- almost. Julie snorts that Caleb is too paranoid that this is a seduction, and swears she just wanted one night to hang out with him. As proof, she hands over the signed divorce papers. "Now maybe you can relax,"she says. "Have a drink, take a dip," she adds, handing him a margarita made just the way he likes it: with venom. Caleb brings it to his lips, then gets a thoughtful expression on his face. You can see Julie tensing up even as she maintains her cheer. "I think I'll start with a scotch," he finally says. Julie tries not to gulp visibly, and then scurries inside. "No hurry on the margs," she calls out. Once inside, she lets out a frustrated breath.
We cut to a dark bar that is bathed in only the deepest red light. This is how we know it's a dive bar -- that, and the presence of a pool table, which is how TV hoodlums pass their time between brawls and ne'er doing well. Ryan shows up and, of course, finds Trey there. "Good to see you, man," Trey says lightly. "Cut the crap, Trey," Ryan growls. "You got something you want to tell me?" Trey plays dumb, so Ryan mentions Marissa. Trey lets his face cloud, and then escorts his brother to the bar. "Two Seven-and-Sevens," he says, and then amends it: "Uh, one, and one just Seven." I hope the bartender hands Ryan a glass of pure Seagram's. Trey tells Ryan that he and Marissa got loaded together while he was in Miami. "And you came on to her," Ryan prompts. Trey bristles and wonders why Ryan always assumes it's his fault. "Because it always is," Ryan says plainly. And, if Trey ever did entertain the idea of telling the truth, he certainly vacated the notion after that exchange. Trey settles into his lie and says they got drunk at the beach, and "your girl, she can drink, but she can't hold her liquor." Trey turns to Ryan: "She threw herself at me." Ryan immediately doesn't believe him; Trey says that he and Marissa conferred and agreed that it was better if Ryan didn't know. "No way," Ryan says softly. He stares ahead, but Trey doesn't stop looking at his brother, so Ryan's eyes dart back to him. "You swear?" he asks intensely. "On Mom," Trey answers. Oh, that is so cold. And poor, sad Ryan apparently has no choice but to believe him, because he can't fathom that Trey would invoke their mother for a lie. Man, is it ever going to hurt when the scab's ripped off. Trey insists he'd never lie to Ryan about something like this, and manages to maintain a rueful-yet-angelic look on his face the whole time. Prick. Ryan leaves abruptly, and calls Marissa. After two rings, we hear neither a greeting nor a voicemail message; instead, Ryan just starts talking, telling The Ether that he is feeling sick and can't attend prom. Then he hangs up, so I assume it wasn't Marissa, and that she's just gone minimalist with her voicemail.
Suddenly, a voice: "Ryan?" He looks up and sees Theresa standing alone with a bag of groceries, staring at him in open-mouthed surprise and looking mighty fine for a woman who would've had a baby fairly recently.
After the break, Ryan and Theresa stroll idly down the street, Ryan carrying her groceries. Apparently, Theresa has left Chino, because Ryan was surprised to see her there, and she says she is visiting her mother for the weekend. "Believe it or not, I miss it here," she says. "It might not be paradise, but it's home." "And Atlanta?" Ryan asks. "It's fine for now," she answers. What the hell is she doing in Atlanta? I thought part of what she initially claimed to Ryan was that she would've needed financial support from Ryan to raise the kid. Since we know she had the kid, what's the deal? Ryan tells Theresa that he wrote her "all those letters," which is news to us, and might have actually been kind of a nice and heartbreaking little plot detail, given what we know or suspect of Theresa's situation. She apparently didn't answer any of them because she needed a clean break. "Or, you were mad because I left," Ryan suggests. Theresa reminds him that she actually asked him to leave, because he belongs in Newport and he was kind of a miserable lump. Naturally, she's curious as to what brought him to Chino. "Trey," Ryan sighs. Theresa's surprised to hear that Trey is out of prison. Ryan fills her in a little on the history, and then says that Trey and Marissa hooked up -- at least, according to Trey. Theresa immediately sputters that, clearly, Marissa is the one Ryan should believe. Good for her. Theresa: "Trey has been jerking you around your entire life, and Marissa..." "Has made mistakes," Ryan interjects. Watch those rocks you're playing with, Ryan -- your glass house only has one wall still intact. "She would never hurt you like that," Theresa insists. "Last year, when I needed you, you know, she...she let you go. Even though it broke her heart." Theresa adds that even though she and Marissa both love Ryan, Marissa is the one deserving of his faith. Then they come to a stop at Theresa's; Ryan wants to come in and say hello to Theresa's mother, but she deftly disentangles herself from that with a few lies and goes inside. Ryan looks sort of startled, but he doesn't know any better, so he just leaves.
Cut inside to Theresa's house. Her mother is holding up the kid so that we can't see it's a doll. "Somebody missed you!" her mother coos. "And he looks more and more like his daddy every day!" I so wish the show had cut to a shot of a baby pouting in a wifebeater. I feel like the only way the kid could be Eddie's is if he somehow made up with Theresa and they moved to Atlanta together. Otherwise, the mom wouldn't be so cute about his being Eddie's baby. We, of course, aren't going to find out until the kid has been rapidly aged seven years.
A limo pulls up to Summer's house. She is clad in a strapless dress of white and various shades of pink. There might be magenta in there somewhere. She holds her breath as the door opens...and Zach steps out, holding a white corsage. Summer looks like someone took Princess Sparkle and used it to stab her in the womb. I'm sorry she's disappointed, but hey, she made her bed, and it doesn't have Ewok sheets on it, and that's that. "I'm glad it's you," Summer lies through a smile. Zach shrugs that he didn't know what "magenta" was, so he bought a white corsage. Zach has never heard of a dictionary, or crayons. Or MAGENTA. God.
The magic limo beams Zach and Summer straight to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, where they walk past a really ugly mermaid sculpture sitting in a seashell. Zach reminds Summer that it's a yearbook requirement to get their photo in front of it. Summer could care less. The gym looks terrible. It doesn't look like the sea floor, so much as the ungodly marriage of a party-supplies store and a seaside souvenir stand. Summer sees Marissa standing all alone in a strapless white dress, and excuses herself. I should point out that this is allegedly only two or three days after we last saw Marissa's welt, and it was red and angry, and here there is no sign of it at all. That is some spectacular healing. Summer's nose grows another inch when she tells Marissa how great the decorations look. "Where's Ryan?" she asks. Marissa glumly says he called in sick. "He'd better be really sick -- like, dead, because if not, I'll strangle him with his own wifebeater," Summer jokingly menaces. Marissa shrugs that it's fine, because she's so very busy with supervisory things, and anyway, life's more fun if you're a martyr.
At dinner, George Lucas orders a seltzer with lemon. Seth takes geeky note of this. It's here that we get our first look at George Lucas, and, well, I don't know how else to say this: George Lucas has a corpulent neck. George Lucas has a small inner-tube for a neck. If George Lucas didn't have a beard, you wouldn't be able to tell where his chin stops and his neck begins. It's...the word "Jabba" comes to mind, frankly. I know that's mean, but it's honestly one of the strangest neck-like contraptions I've ever seen. Seth wants to ask one question of George before they get down to brass tacks: how did he first come up with the light saber? Reed is mortified and deflects it, so Seth asks another question about whether George went to his prom. "Prom...as in, prom?" George Lucas asks, incredibly woodenly. "Actually, I didn't. I spent my time being creative, drawing Ewoks, Jar-Jar Binks," he reveals. Seth nods briskly that he's happy to hear that, because if George Lucas can skip his prom, so can Seth Cohen. Seth is forgetting that, as a junior, he will have at least one other prom to remember, so maybe he should shut up and try to sell his comic for boatloads of sweet, sweet money. George says that he does sort of regret not going to his prom. Reed, horrified, tries to change the subject, but George Lucas wants his catharsis, and judging by that neck wattle, whatever George Lucas wants, he eats. ....I mean, "gets." George then waxes poetic, and with the poorest acting imaginable, about how prom is an important American tradition that all teenagers should experience. And when he made American Graffiti, he had to fake his way through it, because he'd never been to a prom, and he felt like a big fake faking faker the whole time. "Not having been part of that pivotal moment in teenage life, I felt very sad, and...aloooone," he says. I'm not going to do this justice, but Lucas puts a really weird inflection on "alooone," and it sound exactly like he is imitating Dr. Evil. I can't figure out why he did that. It's so weird. I rewound it ten times and it was bizarre each time. Also, the people who point out that this exchange is pilfered, in spirit, from the Stan Lee scene in Mallrats are correct; I found a rough transcript of the movie online. So basically, The O.C. lands George Lucas to do a cameo, yet can't bother to come up with a scene that isn't derivative? I appreciate tribute scenes, but come ON.
Summer and Zach are dancing. Well, she's dancing, and he's buzzing, courtesy of Reed's frantic text messages that he is refusing to read. Summer tells him that it's okay to check, which is rather two-faced of her, considering that if Seth were the one buzzing she'd be yelling at him for being an egomaniac who doesn't deserve her. I guess this means she really doesn't care about Zach. He reads the notes on his phone and whimpers that "Lucas is checked out," and "Seth is totally ignoring the talking points." I didn't think Seth was bombing that badly in terms of keeping George Lucas's attention, but whatever. Zach apologizes for getting worked up about it. "It's ridiculous," he says. "I'm here with you at the prom, like I wanted." "If you have to talk yourself into this, it probably means you shouldn't be here," Summer says gently. Zach refuses: "I'm still your date, even though you didn't want me to be." She tries to lie again, but he saw her face fall. "And I saw yours," she says. "You want to be there, talking about your comic book with Reed. Look, my prom fantasy didn't quite happen, but you've been dreaming about this comic your whole life." He has? I feel like Zach's been such a tangent to that whole storyline, and last week he was forsaking it all just for the chance to nuzzle Summer. But, okay. She supportively tells him that he can't give up his big shot, and that he should leave. Again, never something she would tell Seth in a million years, which bugs me on his behalf. Zach says he can't abandon her. "I did it to you," she says quietly. Good point. Zach says as much. "Go. Save Cohen from himself," she smiles. Zach kisses her cheek.
Back at the restaurant, Seth is somewhere in the middle of the coin-flip, which appalls George Lucas. Seth starts to explain why that made sense, but spies Zach, who used his superpowers to get there faster than a bolt of lightning. That's some good law-breaking driving on the part of the chauffer. Seth excuses himself and meets Zach outside. "We need to settle this once and for all, and I think for the first time we both know where we need to be," says Zach. He wants the comic, and Seth wants Summer. Is that permanent? Good luck with a Sethless comic, Zach. You can't make a business plan that looks like Little Miss Vixen. Zach hands Seth his tux jacket, and they part so that George McFly can go tell Lorraine that she's his density.
Kirsten comes downstairs tiredly just as Sandy brandishes a few DVDs from Seth's collection. She would prefer to soak in a hot bath for a while. Doorbell. "[But] the food's here," Sandy says. Kirsten bites her lip and says it's okay, she can wait for her bath. But Sandy decides that she should go take care of herself, because they can heat up the food. She pads off gratefully as he answers the door, then realizes he doesn't have his wallet. He grabs Kirsten's purse from the hall table and opens it, only to see a mickey of Absolut Pants Afire sitting in there. He is stunned.
Julie swims across the pool and surfaces near where Caleb is dangling his legs in the water. She brushes back her hair and offers Caleb his margarita. "Why not?" he shrugs, taking it again. He starts to take a sip, and then puts it down to observe that he's never actually been in that pool before. Julie looks like the suspense is going to kill her before that margarita ever offs Caleb. "You're more of a land shark," she quips. Caleb regrets not doing this sort of thing -- like enjoying each other -- more. "We had our moments," Julie ponders. Caleb raises his glass in a toast to them. "I did love you, Juju," he says. She teases him about the past tense. "Grammatical error," he grins. As she smiles sort of sadly, he toasts, "to us." But Julie flips right when the salt touches Caleb's lips, making up some excuse about how there's no lime in his drink and she needs to go make him a fresh one. As she toddles off, Caleb is bemused but not unhappy. Also, thank God they didn't make Julie kill Caleb. I love her layers too much. (Both in her hair and in her character.)
In the kitchen, Julie hurriedly dumps out the marg and looks seriously wigged out at what she almost did.
Summer and Marissa look totally miserable at the prom, because they have no friends but each other. Summer admits that Zach went off to save the comic book, but that she's okay with it: "Prom was a letdown, but I bet it is for everbody. It's like New Year's." They decide to go curl up with Princess Sparkle and watch The Valley on DVD, but the emcee has other ideas, and gets up to announce the prom queen and king. This is where Summer and Marissa should've escaped, but they don't, so Summer has to stick around and hear her name called. She's mortified, especially when Zach's name is called as prom king. She turns around to flee just as the spotlight catches her, and so she grudgingly goes up on stage and smiles sadly throughout her coronation. The oblivious announcer calls for Zach a bunch of times, aided by random extras playing students, but nothing happens. "No one's coming," Summer finally whispers to the guy through a half-smile. Marissa looks appropriately aggrieved for her friend, who is now expected to enjoy a spotlight dance on-stage by herself.
Suddenly, Seth runs in and makes straight for Summer, who looks thrilled. "Sorry I'm late, I got caught in traffic," he gulps, panting. "Get off the stage!" someone shouts. "I'm on stage," Seth realizes. "That's not Zach Stevens!" a disembodied voice shouts. Ha! I love obvious heckling. Somehow it's funnier. "No, I'm not," Seth says to the crowd. The emcee asks Seth to step down from the stage. "Seth Cohen's a tool!" another random voice yells. Ha again! Seriously, the heckling is so easy, but it totally got me laughing out loud. Seth decides to give a speech: "I know I'm not what you all imagined as your prom king, seeing as...I'm not who any of you actually voted for," he fumbles. "But, she's the queen, and I love her." Aw. He tries to claim that makes him king-like, but quickly amends that to "I'm just a guy standing to you. You're the queen. I'm the jester, perhaps, if that works. So let me ask you, Your Highness, what can I do to make it up to you?" Summer starts to cry and asks Seth to dance. Some people coo at this as Seth and Summer start to kiss happily. A slow, Very Meaningful Song by Coldplay starts to play as they smooch, and my favorite part is that as the show amps up the cheese factor with the music and a sad cutaway of Marissa, we hear another heckler: "But he's a TOOL!" It almost, but not quite, gets lost in the schmaltz, which I think was kind of a brilliant decision. I do sort of forget why I'm supposed to be rooting for Seth and Summer, but whatever -- they're kissing, and all the little McFlys reappear in the photograph for the zillionth time.
Marissa wanders outside, where a freshly arrived Ryan finds her. She almost cries when she sees him, and they start to dance. "Sorry I missed prom," he whispers. "You're just in time," she says, clutching him to her. Chris Martin approves loudly.
Out by the pool, Caleb surveys his territory while Julie fixes him another drink. Suddenly, he starts to grab at his heart. "Julie," he rasps. She's busy chugging tequila straight from the bottle, which is hardcore, and thus exactly what I expect from this endearing strumpet. Caleb is still out there grabbing at his chest and choking out Julie's name. He falls in the pool and sinks. Alan Dale must have known he was getting offed before he agreed to star in a WB Network. pilot, because I refuse to believe he'd opt to take a chance on a crappy sitcom over there instead of working with a hottie like Melinda Clarke again. Although putting her in that killer bikini is kind of rubbing it in a little, eh, guys? Moments later, Julie trots out with the margarita and sees him at the bottom of the pool. "Cal!" she shrieks with genuine terror, dropping the glass and sprinting to the pool; she dives in and swims to him to yank him above the water. Here, the Coldplay tune services the scene really well.
Right as Chris Martin trills, "I will try to fix you," we go from Julie frantically trying to help Caleb, to Kirsten appearing in the kitchen looking innocent and sweet. "What are we gonna do about you?" Sandy asks. She stares blankly at him. "I found your stash," he confesses. Kirsten says it's just-in-case booze. Sandy coldly says that he trusted her when she said she was done drinking. "I'm doing this my own way," she snaps. "How, by sneaking around?" he cries. "By lying to me?" Kirsten snarls that she doesn't want to be handled like a wayward child. "Well, maybe that's exactly what you need. Right now I feel more like your dad than I feel like your husband." Ouch. Good exchange from them.
The ringing phone interrupts. Sandy answers and tries to calm down what is apparently -- but not for our ears -- a panicking Julie. Sandy is stunned by what she tells him, and hangs up slowly, turning to face Kirsten with a stricken look. "It's about your father," he begins. Walking up to her, he touches his wife and says, "He's dead." Kirsten reels, sucks in a breath with a slow blink, and wordlessly takes the vodka bottle. As she walks away from Sandy and he lets her go, heartbroken, Chris Martin repeats his refrain, and dammit, the relentlessly on-the-nose lyrics are kind of getting me emotional.