Previously on The O.C.: I don't know, I didn't watch. Except I do know that we discovered that Lindsay is Caleb's daughter, which makes her Kirsten's sister and Seth's aunt. Scandal!
Caleb "LTG isn't thinking of a nickname for every lousy character" Nichol meets Sandy on the docks on a gray and blustery day. I think this scene is supposed to seem all gritty and noirish, but the effect is thrown off some by the silvery garland wrapped around the tasteful streetlamp. Caleb asks Sandy, "What is the point of living in southern California if it's going to be this cold?" I wonder the same thing all the time. But without the "if it's going to be this cold" part. Sandy doesn't think fifty degrees in December is very cold. Of course, he's got the eyebrows to keep him warm. Caleb: "Well, my blood must have gotten thinner." Good. That means his blood-thinning medication is working. Sandy accuses him of having ice in his veins. I would think that a few months of sleeping in the same bed with Julie would do that to any man. Caleb is crying in his mocha over the fact that, by the coming year, he could be spending the holidays behind bars. Sandy: "Now that gives me a chill. Don't know how you feel about it." Caleb: "Warm and fuzzy. How the hell do you think it makes me feel, Sandy?" It makes him feel sandy? Oh, wait, he's talking to Sandy. Sandy tells him that he can save himself if he just comes forward about the big secret. But Caleb just can't do that: "What about the child?" Sandy: "Which child? Lindsay?" No, Sandy -- the Guatemalan orphan to whom Caleb has been sending $1.36 a day. Little Consuela will be crushed if she finds out that her benefactor is an adulterer. Caleb is pretty surprised to hear that Sandy knows the child's name, but Sandy just gives him a look to let him know what a great investigator he is. An investigator who just happened to have benefited from an enormous coincidence. Caleb's all, "Yeah, what happens to her?" But Sandy and I both know he's full of it: "Spare me. You're not trying to protect Lindsay, you're trying to protect yourself. Because you know once you come clean, you're gonna get what's coming to you. But facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail." And now I find myself agreeing with Caleb -- perhaps years of prison rape would be preferable to facing an angry Julie. Sandy says that if Caleb won't come clean, "[Sandy's] done. And so [is Caleb]. Happy holidays." And he walks away, leaving Caleb leaning over a railing and looking pensive. This scene was brought to you by Dashiell Hammett.
Close-up on Christmas stockings, hung by the chimney. I don't know if any care was used in hanging them. There's some alt-Christmas tune playing in the background. (I can't keep up with you kids and your crazy bands.) Seth is standing to the fireplace, and pulls the menorah down off the mantle and asks his mother if she cleaned after last year -- it's looking a little schmutzy. Kirsten is in the middle of wrangling a Christmas tree into the room with Ryan's help, and she apologizes to Seth and tells him that she'll get right on it. Ryan calls out to Seth for a little help with the tree, but he just shoves his hands into his pockets and does nothing. Nothing but blather, that is: "If my sense of the cultural zeitgeist is accurate, and I do believe it is, this is the year that Chrismukkah sweeps the nation, okay, people?" Kirsten pointedly tells Ryan how nice it is to have someone to help around the house. Uh, Kirsten? I don't mean to criticize your parenting (well actually, I do), but it sucks. When your son is as self-centered as Seth is, subtle (or even unsubtle) hints are not going to cut it. He needs a few smacks in the head. Seth agrees that it's great to have someone to help out, and he runs to fetch the "Chrismukkah work-wheel" he created "so that everybody understands his or her duties this holiday season." The wheel features very cute drawings of all four members of the Cohen household. The four tasks listed are interior decor, holiday spirit, food design, and security. Ryan asks Seth, "Let me guess what your job is." Seth: "Uh, I'm supervising, smart-ass." He's also in charge of the product licensing: "T-shirts, mugs if it should come to that. And, I'm penning a Chrismukkah hymn. Set to Death Cab's 'Lack of Color.'" Kirsten joins me in wondering if Death Cab is a band when Seth turns the arrow on the wheel and tells her that her job is interior decor. He doesn't care what she does, so long as it's "classy."
Kirsten tells Seth that she invited "the Nichols, or the Cooper-Nichols, or whatever they're called these days." I think soon they might be called Slutty and Sluttier. And what an odd way to refer to your own father. Wouldn't she have just said, "I invited Caleb and his whore wife"? Because that rolls off the tongue so naturally. Seth is concerned that the presence of the Cooper-Nichols will throw off the gentile/Jew balance, and he calls on Ryan to do some "Jewcruitment." Asked if he's up for the job, Ryan just says, "Blond hair, blue eyes? Yeah, no problem, I'm a natural." Will someone let me know if that's as offensive as it seems? Seth is stumped with trying to figure out where to find any Jews in Orange County, but he finds sudden inspiration when he sees Sandy walk through the door: "Father! I have just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah." Sandy's reaction is exactly the same as mine when I discovered the theme of this episode: "Chrismukkah? Leave me out of it." Kirsten looks at Seth and says, "Oy, humbug." Seth repeats it and we go to the credits.
Man, this theme song sucks. Who the hell is this crappy band?
O.C.H.S. They're still discussing Sandy's lack of enthusiasm for the holiday. So were they doing all that Chrismukkah stuff in the morning, before school? Or did they just not bother to discuss it until today? Seth thinks Sandy will warm up: "He likes a slow build. He doesn't want to peak too soon." Ryan points out that it is a long holiday. Especially this year, what with Hanukkah's already being over and Christmas not for another nine days. Ryan has inspired Seth with some new lyrics for his song: "It's a marathon of presents, not a race/ To get through the holiday season, you must set a pace." Ryan can't believe that Seth is actually writing a song, but Seth thinks that it's a must-have if Chrismukkah is actually going to sweep the nation. Ryan changes the subject, asking Seth whether he invited Alex to the party. Ooooh, a party? Doesn't that mean there will be some fisticuffs before the end of the episode? ["Yes. SIGH. This show is so infuriatingly STUPID!" -- Wing Chun] Seth did invite Alex, but she is away with her parents for the holidays: "Probably at some Club Med tattoo parlor." Seth finally utters a word that's not about himself and asks Ryan if he's invited Aunt Lindsay. Ryan thinks it might be a bit too soon in the relationship, and is also concerned that it would be awkward, what with Marissa's also being there. But Seth clues Ryan to the fact that Marissa is not coming -- she's going to be with her father. Ryan still thinks it might be rushing things, and Seth agrees that if it doesn't feel right, Ryan shouldn't invite her. Seth walks off to class, leaving Ryan looking thoughtful in the hallway. After a couple of seconds, Seth walks back up to Ryan: "What are you doing? You're gonna be late."
Aboard the S.S. Adultery, Julie is in the sack with Jimmy. It's so nice to see a woman on television who doesn't wear her bra while fucking. She asks Jimmy, "Are you sure we're not rushing things?" If that's a problem, I think there are creams you can use. He points out that they were married for seventeen years, but she counters with the fact that it's been a long time since they have done this. Done what? Committed adultery? Jimmy just wants to get to his happy place, and reassures Julie that "it's just like riding a bike." Or a pogo stick. Hi-ooo! She gives him a look at the suggestion that she's a bike, and he corrects himself: "Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tan and limber bike." Or an orange Huffy. But whatever kind of bike it is, it has working brakes. Julie tells Jimmy to slow down, and then asks, "Does this count as, um, adultery?" He ponders as he nibbles her ear, and decides that "cheating on your husband with your ex-husband? Technically, I think it does, yeah." And then he continues to make out with her. Well, who would have thunk that Jimmy is a bigger whore than Julie? Not me, that's for sure. She sits up to weigh the pros and cons of violating her marital vows: "Caleb and I aren't getting along, and he hasn't touched me in months. He's probably going to jail." Wait, are those pros or cons? Jimmy asks her if she wants to stop, and thinks for just a second before saying, "No," and diving back to the bed. Phew! I thought she was gonna let me down, there.
Sandy's hanging out on the docks again. Renee Wheeler (Aunt Lindsay's mother) walks up to him, and he thanks her for meeting him there: "I've run out of places to go. I've had so many clandestine meetings lately, I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie." Sandy tells Renee that he understands that she fears losing her daughter if she comes forward. But then he switches from empathetic mode to threat mode: "You may lose her either way. The DA's convinced that Caleb was bribing someone in the City Council's office -- bribing you. And unless somebody testifies differently, they have enough evidence to send you to jail." I would think the DA would need some actual evidence that Renee had, you know, done something for Caleb in return for his money if they were going to make out a bribery charge. Renee wonders how she can tell her daughter that she's been lying to her all these years, and keeping her away from the rest of her family. Renee, have you taken a look at the family you've been keeping her away from? She might turn out to be grateful. Sandy tells Renee that she's Caleb's last hope for staying out of jail, but she just apologizes and walks away.
Physics classroom. Although it doesn't seem as though class is actually in session -- it looks more like there's just a bunch of students engaged in some self-motivated study. As if. Is there even a Physics teacher? Anyway, Ryan walks in and finds Aunt Lindsay hard at work. He asks her if she plans on studying right through the holidays. Aunt Lindsay: "I hope so. Keep me distracted from having to remember it's actually Christmas." She doesn't think anyone really like the holidays, but Ryan has a counterexample for her, telling her that Seth has "even invented his own super-holiday -- Chrismukkah." He describes it as "eight days of gifts followed by one day of many, many gifts. We eat Chinese food and watch Christmas movies, although last year we watched Over the Top." Aunt Lindsay tells her sob story, about how she and her mother stopped even putting up a Christmas tree, and how, when she was a kid, "all [her] friends were waiting for something from Santa, and [she] was just hoping for something, anything, from [her] dad." Ryan asks if she's still waiting, and she says she is most definitely not: "Every kid who grows up stops believing in Santa. I stopped believing in my dad." Ryan is all sympathetic, in light of his experience with his own crappy family. He takes pity on her and invites her to come celebrate Chrismukkah with the Cohens. That's nice -- leave her mother to feel even more sad and lonely on Christmas. Lindsay asks if they can watch Over the Top. Ryan: "I think I could watch that movie a hundred times and never get sick of it." Well then, it has far more staying power than this episode.
High-school Starbucks. I don't know much about this show, but I think this must be a dream sequence, because I see a skeletal creature walking through the room. Oh, wait, my mistake -- it's Marissa. She sits down to Summer at the coffee bar and asks where Zach is: "I'm not used to seeing you without him." It turns out that Zach "left early to spend Christmas in Cabo with his fam." Is there a law that says that everyone from Orange County is only allowed to vacation in Cabo? Because there's a whole wide world out there they could explore, and they actually seem rich enough to afford the trips. Marissa clues us in that D.J. is in Sacramento visiting his family. Each misses her beau, and both decide that Christmas is going to suck. Marissa suggests that they spike the egg nog. Summer nixes the idea, and Marissa takes it back: "Just kidding. Kind of. Actually, not really." It's funny because she's a teenage alcoholic. Marissa thinks that "last year, the holidays were so much fun." Summer has a slightly different recollection: "I got rejected by Cohen in a Wonder Woman costume, and you got caught shoplifting." They decide that it was memorable.
Seth walks up and wishes Marissa and Summer a Merry Chrismukkah. They are not amused by him. Marissa: "Don't remind us." Summer: "I forgot your festive little holiday." Seth decides that the two of them are taupe on the color-coded holiday alert system. I really wish they would stop trying make Seth even quirkier and instead deal with his raging egomania. Apparently, taupe indicates a "dangerously low level of holiday cheer." I wonder if he has any color that indicates a dangerously high level of holiday rage. Summer and Marissa start to walk away, and they each sarcastically tell Seth how much they are looking forward to their family holidays. He stops them, and "on behalf of Jesus, and Judah Maccabee, and the Cohens," invites them (along with Marissa's father) to the Chrismukkah celebration. They grudgingly accept the invitation, and he tells them that they "went from taupe to putty." So I guess Summer just doesn't care if Zach thinks she's got the hots for Seth, and nobody is concerned that it will be uncomfortable for Jimmy and Julie to spend the holiday together? That's fine, because I don't care about any of those things either.
Julie walks up to Kirsten in the lobby of...that place where they work, and asks Kirsten if she's ready for the investors' meeting. Kirsten was ready, and already attended the meeting, which started two hours earlier. Julie is the worst liar ever: "What? Two hours ago? [frustrated exhalation] My new assistant is constantly putting the wrong numbers into my, my, my Blackberry." Kirsten points out that she tried to reach Julie, and Julie is all wide-eyed and innocent when she claims that her batteries must have died. Of course, her Blackberry chooses that exact moment to start ringing. (That's not a euphemism, but I may have to find a way to turn it into one.) The ring, by the way, is "The Hustle." Kirsten points out that "The Hustle" is Jimmy's favorite song. I have trouble believing that "The Hustle" is anybody's favorite song. I don't even think it was Van McCoy's favorite song, and he wrote the damn thing. Jimmy is just sooooo boring. In any case, Kirsten reminds Julie that Kirsten was with her the day she picked out her ring tones, so Kirsten knows that "The Hustle" was the tone Julie assigned to Jimmy. (In case you're wondering, Kirsten got "Hungry Like the Wolf," which actually seems so much more appropriate to Marissa.) Julie compliments Kirsten on how sharp she is: "You've got a memory like an elephant." Somehow, I'm certain there's an insult hidden in that sentence. Kirsten wonders why Julie isn't answering, and Julie tells her, "It's just Jimmy." Kirsten: "I thought you two were getting along really well?" Julie snaps her head around and gives Kirsten the glare of death: "What makes you say that?" Kirsten points out that just last week, Julie told her that she and Jimmy were getting along really well: "Are you okay, Julie? You look a little frazzled." Julie: "Well, you know, I didn't get a chance to blow my hair out this morning." That's 'cause she was blowing something else out this morning. Ooooh yeah, I went there. Kirsten goes to a much more innocent place as she leaves the room: "I said 'frazzled,' not 'frizzy.'"
Cohen kitchen. Ryan is hard at work studying, at the studying table. Seth walks in and asks if dinner is ready yet; Ryan tells him that Sandy is cooking something on the grill. Seth is "famished [from] all the planning for the big day." Ryan does not seem very impressed by the effort Seth has expended, and Seth tells him, "Hey, ye of little faith, trust those of mixed faith. This year it's going to be off the chart." It's going to be out of sight, far out, wicked awesome, grody to the max, and dyn-o-mite! Seth tells Ryan that Chrismukkah is going to be "cochise," which is apparently the highest level on the color-coded holiday alert system: "It's in the beige family." Seth thinks the party is going to be great, "especially now that Marissa and Summer are coming." Ryan shits a brick, but Seth doesn't see why it's such a big deal, seeing as how Ryan didn't invite Aunt Lindsay. Ryan: "Except I did invite [Aunt] Lindsay." And in some other part of southern California, Jack has just told Janet that he invited the Ropers, and Janet has told Jack that she invited Mr. Furley. But nobody invited Larry from upstairs, because he's a total sleazebag. Ryan thinks this is awful: "I can't have [Aunt] Lindsay and Marissa hanging out together." Seth (of course) brings the subject back to himself, expressing his fear that the Chrismukkah backlash has begun. I can tell you that it began in my house the instant I heard the word. Seth is worried that Chrismukkah has become "too big and commercial." He wonders, "Truthfully, can it really be the Thanksgiving? Can it top Halloween?" I would aim for something a little lower on the scale, like Arbor Day. And then Seth worries that, if it does succeed, "the government's going to be asking [him] to create new holidays. 'Seth, Seth, what about Eastover or Kwanzashana?'" Under the impact of this flood of words, Ryan gives up studying and packs up his books, carrying his bag back to the poolhouse. Seth follows right along, never shutting up for a second. Ryan just looks totally beaten down and miserable. Has there been any indication at all this season that Ryan likes Seth in even the tiniest way? Because I would not blame him for murdering the selfish little prick in his sleep. I mean, Seth is just completely self-absorbed. He's Seth-absorbed. He's Seth-centered. I hate him.
On the way to the poolhouse, Seth and Ryan run into Sandy, who is grilling up some meat. Sandy asks what's going on, and Seth tells him that Ryan has caused a crisis "that threatens man, woman, and Chrismukkah," by inviting Aunt Lindsay over. Sandy asks if Ryan really invited Aunt Lindsay to the party, and then tells them that he really doesn't think it's a good idea. Ryan apologizes for imposing, but Sandy clarifies that it's not that, and then he asks Ryan how serious it is between him and Lindsay. Ryan stammers out an answer (with a couple of small interruptions from Seth), leading Sandy to ask, "So you really like her?" Seth: "He wants to see her naked." Ryan turns to him and whispers, "Okay, I hate it when you do that." Ryan wonders if there's some reason he shouldn't go out with Aunt Lindsay. Sandy points out that "her mom's involved in Caleb's case. It's, uh, the timing is probably not great, given everything." Ryan acquiesces at first, but then wonders "what Lindsay could have to do with Caleb's case....What is she, Caleb's hit man? Drug dealer?" Seth: "Illegitimate lovechild?" Sandy drops the spatula he's holding and turns to glare at them. It really doesn't take them long to realize that Seth hit it right on the nose. Sandy picks up the tray of meat, walks over to them, and says, "This stays between us." You know, Sandy, if you had just kept your cool and not stared at them, they might not have figured it out.
Commercials. Is it just me, or was it a little insensitive of Fox to advertise Who's Your Daddy? during this episode? Oh wait, I forgot -- it's Fox. "A little insensitive" is actually a step up for them.
Seth comes into the poolhouse in his pajamas for a morning conference, and finds Ryan already dressed and ready to hit the road. Seth asks Ryan where he's going. Ryan: "Lindsay's. I'm going to uninvite her, like your dad said." Unsurprisingly, Seth is surprised that Ryan is actually going to follow the instructions of a parental figure. But they both agree that it would pretty awkward for Lindsay and Caleb to be at the same party. And then Ryan asks Seth to uninvite Summer: "I gotta tell Lindsay that we're not doing Chrismukkah this year. If she then finds out that Marissa and Summer came over?" Seth tries to get Ryan to do his uninviting for him, but Ryan declines, demonstrating that he actually knows how to apply some discipline. (Go, fanfic writers, go!)
Ryan rides his bike up to Aunt Lindsay's house. There's this awful rendition of "The Carol of the Bells" playing, made up entirely of little "meows." It's cute for about one second, and then moves immediately to obnoxious. Aunt Lindsay answers the door and gives Ryan a very friendly hug, wishing him a Merry Chrismukkah. He asks if they can talk, but first she has to show him something she made. She pulls him into the house.
Meanwhile, Seth knocks on the door of Summer's bedroom. She also greets him with a hug, and wishes him a Merry Chrismukkah. She's wearing an awful hat. It's nothing like THE HAT, but it's still pretty bad. (By the way, "The Carol of the Meows" is still playing. Haaaaaate.) She tells him how much fun she thinks Chrismukkah is going to be. When Seth asks if he can speak with her, she says that he can: "But first, can you help me figure out a Christmas tree? I'm feeling all festive today."
Aunt Lindsay drags Ryan into her bedroom. She's babbling on about how she meant what she said about not enjoying the holidays: "But then I started thinking about Chrismukkah and hanging out with you and the Cohens, and I got inspired, and I stayed up all night, and you're gonna think I'm a really big dork." And then the meowing comes to a dramatic conclusion as Lindsay hands him the thing she made. It's a little yarmulke, made of red felt with white trim and a little white ball on top. Aunt Lindsay tells him, "It's a yarmuclaus!" She made a bunch of them. At first, I thought it was totally implausible that she knew how to sew, let alone having the material around the house to make a bunch of these things on the spur of the moment. But then I thought of my own aunts, who all keep large boxes of material around, and I was certain Lindsay could do it. She gushes on about how excited she is for her first Chrismukkah. And then she asks Ryan what he wanted to discuss. The meowing starts back up (haaaaaaaaaaaate!), and he looks at her for a second, and says, "Could you bring egg nog tonight?" She tells him that she'd love to, and then places a yarmuclaus on his head, and leans in to give him a quick kiss.
Christmas tree lot. Summer is evaluating a tree: "Fresh minty smell, symmetrical conical shape." A Christmas tree is not supposed to smell minty. It's supposed to smell like a Christmas tree. Damn southern Californians! Seth thinks they should take it, but Summer rejects it for being "too bushy." She likes another one for its "needle retention," but worries that it's too dry. He tells her to just pick a tree -- apparently, they've been there for hours. Summer: "You are right. And if I don't pull the trigger soon, we're gonna be late to your house." She marches on to another tree, and he trails after her. He's about to uninvite her when she interrupts: "I think it's really cool that you invited me tonight. After everything we've been through, you were able to put aside our differences. I think that you're really changing, and maybe we're actually friends." Seth seems pretty thrilled by that little speech. Which makes sense, since it was about him. Summer points out the mistletoe hanging over them, and then leans in and kisses Seth on the cheek. She asks him what he wanted to say, and he looks at her and asks her, "How do you feel about making latkes?" She's thrilled with the idea, and then points to the largest tree on the lot and asks him to carry it to her car.
Poolhouse. Cats meow melodically. LTG whimpers quietly. Seth and Ryan both enter the room. Ryan asks Seth how it went with Summer, and Seth throws it right back to Ryan, asking whether Aunt Lindsay took it "better than expected." Ryan breaks the news that he couldn't do it. Seth accuses him of wussing out. Takes one to know one. But Ryan explains how miserable Aunt Lindsay always is around the holidays, and then he drops the big bomb on Seth: "She made a yarmuclaus." Seth: "A yarmu- what?" Ryan reaches over to the table to him, picks up the yarmuclaus, and slowly hands it to Seth -- all the while keeping his face turned away from Seth, as if he expects him to explode and he doesn't want any Seth parts in his eyes. I mean, other than the Seth parts he's had in his eyes before. Seth is orgasmic over the yarmuclaus: "Holy Moses, it's beautiful." Ryan is at least grateful that Marissa and Summer aren't coming. Just as Seth is about to explain that he also wussed out, Marissa and Summer walk through the open door. And the cats retire.
The doorbell rings, and Sandy and Kirsten answer it together. It's Caleb and Julie. Sandy addresses them as "the Grinch, and Lady Grinch." Julie tells Kirsten that she brought fruitcake, and then drops her coat into Kirsten's arms. Caleb asks Sandy if they can talk. Sandy: "It's up to you."
Julie enters the kitchen with her fruitcake. Oh, my mistake -- Jimmy is already in the room when she arrives. He practically has his face shoved into a Chinese takeout container as he stuffs food into his mouth with his hands. He looks like a pig rooting for truffles. He looks up at Julie and starts to tell her how delicious the orange chicken is, but she just grabs his face in her hands and starts kissing. She tells him that she couldn't stop thinking about him all day. He breaks off the clinch for a second: "Still chewing." He tells her that he felt the same way, and suggests that they meet in the bathroom in about ninety seconds. Well that won't be obvious at all. Just then, Kirsten walks into the room, calling ahead of her to ask Julie if there's room in the refrigerator for something or other. Julie shoves Jimmy away, and tells him, "Keep you fingers out of the food until we eat, Jimmy. God, no manners." He apologizes, and tells them that he's going to go wash up. I can't quite tell from Kirsten's look whether she's on to them or whether she bought the act.
Renee and Aunt Lindsay drive up to the front of the house. Aunt Lindsay thanks her mom for the ride, kisses her on the cheek, and starts to get out of the car. Renee asks Lindsay if she's really sure she wants to go to the party: "I mean, we hate the holidays. That's our pact." But Aunt Lindsay thinks it may be "time to get over that -- get over Dad." Renee tries to tempt Aunt Lindsay with a double feature at the movies, but to no avail.
Kirsten opens the door for Aunt Lindsay, who -- true to her word -- is holding a half-gallon of egg nog. Kirsten asks Aunt Lindsay if she's "Seth and Ryan's friend." Aunt Lindsay: "Yeah, right. Me and Ryan are more like lab partners, really." And she and Seth are more like aunt and nephew, really. Kirsten invites her in. Renee has watched all of this from the car.
Summer and Seth are playing a videogame, and Marissa is coaching Summer to get more aggressive. Ryan is sitting about four feet away from Marissa on the couch. She tells him, "You know, you can sit a little bit closer. I don't bite." Well, clearly. Her teeth have probably atrophied from lack of use. Aunt Lindsay walks into the room, saying "Happy Chrismukkah," and holding a small wrapped parcel in her hands. Everyone gives everyone else an awkward look as they scope out the scene. Seth breaks the silence, awkwardly: "I love the holidays. Bringing everyone [pause] together."
Sandy pours Caleb a drink. Caleb tells Sandy that he's been thinking about everything. Sandy asks him to get to the point, and Caleb does: "I need to tell the truth. I need to tell Kirsten." Sandy sarcastically praises Caleb's sense of timing. Caleb: "Ah, there's no good time." No, but there are some really, really bad times. As we are about to see. Sandy asks Caleb what he's going to say, and Caleb responds, "I was hoping you would help me with that part." Hey, do you think Bill Clinton had a speechwriter help him prepare to tell Hillary the truth about Monica?
The doorbell rings, and Kirsten answers it. It's Renee. Kirsten wonders if Renee is looking for Aunt Lindsay, but Renee is not: "Actually, I was wondering, could I talk to you?" Commercials.
Kirsten and Renee walk into the kitchen. Kirsten offers Renee some wine, but she declines, and apologizes for showing up at such an inconvenient time. Kirsten asks her if everything is okay, and Renee just gives her this long look. Kirsten: "I'm gonna have a glass of wine." Renee compliments the house, and then says, "What I'm going to say -- it should be Caleb who is saying it." She's surprised to hear from Kirsten that Caleb is there, but turns down Kirsten's offer to get him. Just then, Caleb and Sandy enter the kitchen. Caleb is surprised to see Renee. He asks what she's doing there, and Sandy figures out that "she's here to do what [Caleb's] about to do." And now they're joined by all the kids, with Aunt Lindsay at the head of the pack. She's surprised to see her mother, and even more surprised to hear Caleb call her by her name. Aunt Lindsay and Kirsten both want to know what's going on. Renee tries to leave, but Kirsten won't let her. And now the group is joined by Julie, with Jimmy about five steps behind her -- they've clearly just come from doing the nasty. Seth thinks it's a "good thing the kitchen's roomy." Caleb tries to get all the bystanders to leave the room, but that is clearly not happening. After a bit more tense staring around, he apologizes to Lindsay and Kirsten: "I had hoped that I could protect you both from this forever, but the circumstances being what they are, where your mother and I face going to prison...well, there really is no choice." And then he tells them all that "sixteen years ago, [he] made an error in judgment." This is sufficient to clue them all in, apparently -- Kirsten and Aunt Lindsay both whisper "Oh my God," while Julie lets out a fairly hilarious "No. Way." Aunt Lindsay, in tears, runs out the room, with Renee close behind her. Caleb walks over to Kirsten and says, "I don't know what to say." And then, smack! Kirsten slaps him right across the face. Kirsten walks away, and Caleb walks up to Julie. Smack! Julie slaps him on the other cheek. Heh. It's not quite fisticuffs, but I think it'll do. Julie tells Caleb, "I think you should be ashamed of yourself." Sandy has already gone after Kirsten, and Jimmy now goes after Julie, leaving Caleb alone with Seth, Ryan, Marissa, and Summer. Seth gives Caleb a little wave, and Caleb walks out of the kitchen. And then Ryan goes after Lindsay while Seth goes after Kirsten. Leaving Summer and Marissa to just hang out. Great party! Summer: "Suddenly, my family -- not so dysfunctional." Marissa: "You do know this is my family, too?" Summer: "Right, sorry. I forget sometime. It's confusing."
Kirsten is walking down a hallway, yelling at Sandy over the fact that he knew and did not tell her: "He cheated on my mom. I had a sister I've never known." Caleb follows after, trying to offer explanations to Kirsten, but she is in no mood to listen: "How could you do that to me? To Mom?" First she tries to attack him, and when Sandy prevents that, she yells at Caleb to get out, punctuating the command with a vase full of flowers. Seth arrives just in time to see the destruction of crockery. And then Kirsten does something I've never seen any grown person do who was not facing a home invasion or enemy bombardment -- she runs into the closet and locks the door behind her. Caleb wants to try to talk to Kirsten, but Seth steps up and tells him, "Grandpa, maybe you should leave." Caleb: "I'd be better off going to prison."
Ryan pulls up in front of Aunt Lindsay's house. Renee opens the door, and tells Ryan, "It's not really a good time." He says that he just wants to speak to her, but it's pretty clear that Renee doesn't give a rat's ass what Ryan wants. Which is as it should be. Finally, a parent acts like a parent on this show. But Aunt Lindsay walks up behind Renee and tells her that she can speak for herself. Aunt Lindsay is wearing her glasses, by the way, although she takes them off when she actually speaks with Ryan. Ryan tells her how sorry he is: "I want you to know I'm here." I think she can see that, dude. Even without the glasses. Lindsay, through her tears and with a breaking voice: "I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore. I just, I don't want to be anywhere near your family. Ever. But thanks for coming by. Happy holidays, huh?" And then she closes the door. That was the only good acting in this entire episode, and it was outstanding.
Summer and Marissa are sitting on Seth's bed. Summer points out, "This year is getting even weirder than last year." Marissa realizes, "My ex-boyfriend is dating my...stepsister, I think." Summer points out that they have new boyfriends, and Marissa adds that their ex-boyfriends also have new girlfriends. Summer seems surprised to hear that Alex and Lindsay are the girlfriends of Seth and Ryan. Seth comes in, and they ask him if there's anything they can do. He flops down on the bed behind them: "I think we have to cancel Chrismukkah." Commercials.
Ryan walks into a diner, where Marissa, Summer, and Seth are already sitting at a table. This diner may have a name, but I neither know nor care. They exchange the most recent news about Aunt Lindsay and Kirsten. (See the paragraphs for a recap. I don't recap the same scene twice. This isn't Rashomon.) Marissa makes sympathetic noises about Kirsten, but when Summer makes the same noises about Julie, Marissa lets the bitch back out: "Of all the people to feel sorry for here, she's not really high on my list." Seth tells Ryan that Chrismukkah is canceled, but Summer thinks that sucks: "So that's it? You guys are just gonna give up? Give up on Chrismukkah, when everyone we know needs it the most?" Seth calls her "Tiny Tim," and she kicks him in the shins. They all wonder what they're going to do, since they can't go back to the Cohens' and Lindsay doesn't seem interested in speaking to Ryan. Seth: "And I can no longer walk." Summer: "Well you guys can all give up, but I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle. [long silence] And I have a plan."
Cooper-Nichol house. Caleb finds Julie in Marissa's bedroom, noting that he looked for her all over the house. Well, it's my experience that you always find someone in the last place you look. Julie thinks that Marissa will find some way to "make this about her." Caleb knows: "It's tough on everyone. Which is why I tried to keep it a secret." She looks up at him: "You and your secrets, Cal. You need a walk-in closet for all of your skeletons." If I were him, I would bury my skeletons in the foundation of one of my building projects. By the time anybody finds them there, he'll be long gone. He promises that there are no more secrets. Julie's not convinced, asking, "You don't have an evil twin? You're not really an alien?" I think those are the big plot twists for Seasons 3 and 4, assuming The O.C. can climb out of the ratings toilet to last that long. And I just noticed that Julie has developed a serious case of raccoon eye since the last scene she was in. Caleb points out that there is an upside: the case against him will now go away, and he won't be sent to prison. But Julie has other things on her mind: "I just can't believe you cheated on your wife." He tells her, "It was hell." Oh, I'm so sure. All that sex with a hot younger woman was just killing you, wasn't it? It sure sucks that those big men held a gun to your head and forced you to do it. Caleb tries to reassure Julie that he has everything he wants in his current marriage, and would never step out on her. He's clearly touched a sore spot, because she jumps off the bed and says, "Don't put this back on me, Cal." He tells her that he just wants to move on, and he needs her to forgive him. She tells him, "I'm going to look for Marissa." Caleb: "Does that mean you forgive me?" Julie: "I don't know."
Sandy is eating Chinese food in the kitchen. Ryan enters the room, and Sandy asks how Lindsay is. (Again, see earlier paragraphs.) Sandy tells Ryan, "Kirsten's locked herself in the closet. Other than requesting that a Power Bar be slid under the door, she isn't speaking to me. On the plus side, there's plenty of moo shoo available." Ryan tells Sandy how sorry he is that he invited Aunt Lindsay. Sandy tells him to keep his apologies: "This is so far from being your fault." Ryan asks Sandy if he minds if Ryan tries to speak with Kirsten.
Ryan taps on the door of the closet. Kirsten just says, "Go away," but when she hears that it's Ryan, she's slightly less abrupt: "I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now." But Ryan tells her that he'd like to speak about Aunt Lindsay. That has the desired effect, pulling Kirsten out of her own misery: "Is she okay?" Ryan tells her that she's not: "Not right now. But I guess it depends." On what, Kirsten and the audience both ask. Ryan: "On whether or not she figures out she's part of a family that's pretty good at letting in new members." After a few seconds, Kirsten opens the door: "Good line." Sandy is also there, and he asks, "You wanna meet your sister?" Kirsten: "I don't know if I'm ready to start referring to her that way. But Lindsay seems like a really great [aunt]." Ryan tells her that she is.
S.S. Adultery. Summer tells Marissa how impressed she is that her father lives on a boat: "That is so Miami Vice." Marissa is surprised that Summer has seen Miami Vice. Since Summer is actually a teenager, and not a thirty-five-year-old woman like Marissa, that is surprising. But Summer explains that her stepmother "finds the pastel colors soothing." They knock on Jimmy's door, and when he answers, they ask if he has a generator and an extension cord. He's not sure that he likes the sound of that, but when Summer explains that "a Chrismukkah miracle hangs in the balance," he tells her where to find them. Well that's some fine parenting. Would he give his kids the use of a chainsaw or maybe some dynamite if they explained that they were also important to a Chrismukkah miracle? While Summer goes to get the gear, Jimmy berates Marissa for not calling Julie: "She's worried sick about you." Marissa is concerned with how much Julie and Jimmy have been speaking: "You're not, like, becoming friends or anything?" Jimmy asks if that would be so terrible. Marissa: "Yeah, for you." As the girls leave with the gear, Jimmy looks after them. Once they are a good distance away, he opens the door of the cabin and tells Julie that the coast is clear. What a shocking surprise! He asks Julie if she heard anything, and she tells him, "Please. That's almost a compliment coming from her." He asks her if they are making a big mistake, and she thinks that they are: "But I want to be with you." Then get a divorce, you big slut.
Aunt Lindsay is sitting on some big rock by the shore. Seth walks up behind her. She asks him what he's doing there, and he tells her that Renee told him he might find her there. He knows that she doesn't want to speak with any friends, but he tells her, "You and I, we're kin." She's not ready to accept that, but he has to point out that she's a Cohen: "Welcome to a life of insecurity and self-doubt." Actually, she's not a Cohen -- she's a Nichol. But whatever. She thinks it's a little early to joke, but Seth tells her that it's never too early to joke if you're a Cohen: "Sometimes, we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event." He tells her that despite how difficult the day's events have been, "[they] have a lot to be grateful for. Most of all, that [they] didn't start dating." She agrees, saying "that would have been gross on several levels." He tells her that she's demonstrated that she really is a Cohen, and gives her a Christmas stocking. She looks at it, and notes that the name on it is "Laura." Seth: "It's the only one they had at the store. We'll fix it later."
Aunt Lindsay and Seth walk down the street, discussing the origins of Chrismukkah. Seth tells her, "Jesus and Moses, they put it together over lunch -- a few years back now, I think it was." Aunt Lindsay wonders what Moses has to do with Hanukkah, and Seth hems and haws, telling her that she's missing the point of the holiday. By this time they are at her house, and as they walk up the street, someone flips a switch and reveals that her house has been completely covered with Christmas lights, including a Christmas tree in the yard. I get why Summer and Marissa needed extension cords, but what's the generator for? When I was a kid, we just plugged all our Christmas lights into a regular wall outlet. Damn southern Californians! In any case, Kirsten, Sandy, Renee, Ryan, Summer, and Marissa are all in the yard. Kirsten walks up to Aunt Lindsay and introduces herself, says "Welcome," and then hugs her. Aunt Lindsay is crying, and tells Kirsten, "This is weird." Kirsten tells her the whole family is pretty weird. Sandy and Renee speak together as Kirsten and Aunt Lindsay walk up the driveway. Renee hopes that, someday, Aunt Lindsay will be able to forgive her. Seth and Summer are sitting together on the porch, each wearing a yarmuclaus. He thanks her for saving Chrismukkah, and she tells him that he can begin repaying her by carrying her tree back to her car later. Marissa walks out of the house carrying a tray, and offering everyone egg nog and latkes. Seth inappropriately tells the viewing audience that Summer shouldn't have any: "It gives her gas." Aunt Lindsay sits down to Ryan. She tells him that she doesn't know what to say, and he tells her she doesn't have to say anything. He also puts a yarmuclaus on her head. Marissa offers them some latkes, but Aunt Lindsay thinks they sound kind of disgusting. Someone asks if they can order a pizza, and Seth asks them if they want to hear the Chrismukkah anthem. Fortunately, the camera pans out and we fade to black before we have to hear more than a couple of lines.