"I Am The Best Goddamn Dancer In The American Ballet Academy. Who The Hell Ar...

I realize that this movie is a lot older than what we usually run as an Extra these days. But the movie is eminently recappable, and it has a link to The O.C. through Peter Gallagher, so as one of the owners of this site, I'm invoking executive privilege.

We open on a young woman's pink-leotarded torso with a slip of paper pinned to her perfectly flat stomach: "American Ballet Academy National Audition Tour," it reads, with a number 15 Sharpied below. The piano kicks it with a slow jam as the camera pans out from the girl's angelic face, and we see she's in a dance studio doing barre exercises with a bunch of other dancers. The girl -- who, we'll soon learn, is named Jody Sawyer -- looks so much like Jennie Garth that the IMDb had Garth listed on the Center Stage cast list for, like, weeks after it opened. However, once she opens her mouth, it becomes clear that she's not Jennie Garth, but a dancing ringer, because she is a pretty sucky actor. Not the worst-acting dancing ringer in the movie, mind you...but that's really not saying much.

Cut out to the hall. Some random mom-looking woman wanders out for a smoke, past a pair of frumpy-looking parents -- who, we'll soon learn, belong to Jody. Another sidebar: you can tell this movie was filmed in and cast out of New York because everyone who plays a bit part in it has been on Law & Order at least once; Jody's parents are no exception. ("Mr. Sawyer," Stephen Stout: "Ambitious," "Burden"; "Mrs. Sawyer," Maryann Plunkett: "Pro Se," "Burden," "Missing.") Mrs. Sawyer asks Smoky McBadHair how many the auditioners take; Smoky says it's usually no more than twelve. Mr. Sawyer asks, "Twelve out of this class?" Smoky clarifies that it's twelve in "the whole planet." Why, then, there later seems to be a freshman class of about fifty is unclear, but whatever. The Sawyers are worried!

Dancing. A male auditioner compliments Jody. A female auditioner counters that Jody shows "not enough turnout." Get ready to hear that dis about eighty more times in the movie, by the way. And no, I don't know exactly what it means, but I think it refers to how well a dancer can get his or her toes to point outward from his or her body. Female Auditioner also thinks Jody has bad feet, which may be the same thing as bad turnout, or may mean she just shouldn't wear sandals. Male Auditioner replies, "But look at her!" Indeed, Jody does have an endearingly beatific look on her face as she flits about.

"She's just a cosmic girl! From another galaxy!" Jamiroquai informs us. Cut to another galaxy. A bunch of people peer through a side door into another audition, in another town. A pretty ballerina of colour -- who, we'll soon learn, is named Eva Rodriguez -- walks across the frame (her number is 7, for those of you plotting some kind of Kabbalah-themed home game), takes her place in front of the barre, and then turns around to glare at a dude I guess is her boyfriend. A woman appears to close the door, on the back of which is posted a sign telling us (in case we're dim) that these are also ABA tryouts.

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Cut back to Jody's audition. There's applause and a general clamor. The Sawyers prepare to comfort Jody, assuming she won't have made it, and expositing that they both kind of don't want her to make it. Nice. But guess what! She did! Bad feet and all! Against all odds! So I'm sure it's totally going to be smooth sailing for Jody from now on!

Cut back to the 'hood, where Eva is stalking out of her audition looking pissed off. The dude runs up to her and asks what happened. He assumes, based on her attitude, that they didn't take her, but guess what? They did! It's lucky the cameras happened to be there to capture footage of the girls who got in, right?

Jody exposits that ABA feeds directly into the American Ballet Company. Her dad supportively points out that there's still no guarantee that she'll get into ABC. Her mom further negs that she could still dance in college. Jody's like, "Thanks for ruining my euphoric moment, bitches." Only she would never say anything so crass, because Jody Is Naïve.

'Hood. Eva is the only woman of colour to be seen in the film, and therefore Eva Keeps It Real. Which she does, in a bar, holding forth to a group of her friends. Also, she's smoking, because that's what they do in the 'hood. Eva is bitching about the scholarship she was awarded to attend ABA. Why she went to the trouble of auditioning if she didn't want to go is unclear. Maybe she went to prove that she wouldn't get in, because The Man doesn't want a sister learning how to dance right and shit. And then The Man proved her wrong, so she's pissed off that she doesn't have a racist ballet school to complain about. Anyway: Eva claims that the only way ABA can get students to enroll is to give them scholarships. Er. Sure. That makes sense as a business plan. Eva's female friend asks when she'll start, and Eva says she isn't sure she's even going to go. Her friends protest loudly; one guy asks what she'll do instead. Eva says she can work at the new Hooter's that's opening up. A guy tells her she doesn't have the rack for it, and she screeches that she'll get implants.

New York. Montage time. Casually stylish ballerinas make their way to ABA on foot and via various forms of public transit. Ballerinas in 2000 apparently favoured tank tops, cropped pants, and chunky leather slides. To situate you, ABA is apparently part of Lincoln Center.

Jody -- all fresh-faced and Midwestern and naïve -- hauls her luggage out of the trunk of a cab. A blond dude strolls up behind her. This guy -- who, we will soon learn, is named Cooper Nielsen -- will require you to suspend your disbelief on several fronts. First, you'll have to overlook his shitty-ass line readings, because of all the bad-acting dancing ringers, he is the worst actor by far. Second, he's supposed to be the guy on whom all the girls at ABA are crushing, even though he is clearly gay. And third, he's supposed to be ABC's #1 Tiger Beat pinup, even though he actually looks like the love child of Jon Cryer and Wayne Gretzky. He's Jon Wayne Gay-cy. Oh, and he's posing in front of his chopper (lord) and wearing a black leather motorcycle jacket (girl, please). So, he offers Jody a hand with her stuff. She declines before she gets a look at him, and then when she turns to see who it is, she recognizes him and dorks out, getting all breathless and flustered. He walks off, and she watches him go, ruefully muttering "idiot" at herself under her breath.

Resume montage. Mostly female students enter the complex which supposedly encompasses "AMERICAN BALLET COMPANY" as well as "American Theater Academy" (and hey, where's the movie about those 'wads?) and "American Ballet Academy." We pan up the building exterior and see people working, taking a symphony class, and ballet-ing.

Suddenly we're in the dorm, and Eva and Jody are introducing themselves. Eva -- not rudely -- announces as she finds her smokes that she took the top bunk. Jody submissively agrees to Eva's bed choice, because Eva is both black and Latina and might cut her in the course of keepin' it real. Jody can't wait to tell Eva about her encounter with Cooper outside. Eva exposits, "Did he seem as cocky in person as he is on TV?" As Eva lights up (because she keeps it real), Jody ignores the question, and gushes her amazement that they'll be seeing ballet celebrities like Cooper all the time. I hope the other ones they meet are better-looking. "You get used to it," a voice declares, and Jody and Eva and the camera all turn to see a dark-haired girl -- who, we will soon learn, is named Maureen Cummings -- who looks and acts so much like Ally Sheedy that it's even freakier than the resemblance between Amanda Schull (Jody) and Jennie Garth. Actually it's not so much her looks, but the mannerisms are straight out of The Breakfast Club. Maureen introduces herself and adds, "I guess I'm rooming with you," in this resigned exhalation that lets us know Maureen Is A Bitch. "Don't sound so excited," snarks Eva, because she is too busy keepin' it real to pretend to be polite. Jody makes an indeterminate moué and introduces herself and Eva to Maureen. They shake, and then Maureen asks Eva, "What are you doing?" Zoë Saldana puts an actually amusing spin on the line "I'm knitting a sweater." Maureen says there's no smoking in the dorms. Eva exhales defiantly and says she's going outside. "Are you coming?" she asks Jody possessively. Jody looks like she doesn't really want to go, but since you never know when those hot-headed Latin types are going to go off on you, she obediently trails after Eva with an apologetic smile for Maureen.

In the hall, Eva and Jody encounter a muscle-y male ballet dancer (who also happens to be a dancer of colour) carrying a laundry basket. He introduces himself as Erik, adding, "My stage name is Erik O. Jones, after Oprah. She is my idol." Oh yeah: Erik is gay. Erik is the one and only gay guy we will get to know in this story. Well, the only one who's openly gay, anyway. Eva says they were going outside to smoke, and Erik gays that they should come downstairs: "It's Marlboro Country."

Erik's room. Erik and Eva smoke (Erik ashing out the window) as Jody rudely flips through a magazine and Eva quizzes Erik's Russian roommate Sergei about his girlfriend. Not that it really matters, but she's also a ballerina and now an ABA graduate who dances with the San Francisco Ballet. Sergei also exposits that some of the students we'll be meeting (like himself, and Maureen) have been at the school for years, though it's not totally clear how old they're supposed to be or whether they took other classes like English and Math while they were ballet-ing. That doesn't matter either, I guess. Anyway, Eva confirms that Sergei knows Maureen. Sergei cracks, "You're living with Maureen? Well, good luck." "Big-time bitch?" Eva asks flatly. "Biggest-time," Sergei corrects her. Hee. He also exposits that, "of course," Maureen is a ballet bad-ass, and has been at ABA since she was nine. Another dude enters, acting badly: "Is this the right room? If it isn't, I'm staying anyways [sic]." "No argument here, baby," Erik gays. Sergei exposits that the dude is named Charlie and will be his and Erik's third roommate. Erik identifies everyone in the room, concluding, "I'm Erik, and you're cute." Erik is the gay one, by the way, in case you forgot. Charlie smirks but has no reaction to Erik's overtures. Erik asks if Charlie had a long trip, and Charlie exposits that he's from Seattle: "My girlfriend dumped me for leaving her there." Eva and Jody look intrigued. Erik makes an "oh, poo" sound of mild disappointment.

Montage time! Girls break in their pointe shoes by, variously, slamming them against the floor, closing them between the door and the jamb and bending them, stepping on one shoe's toe with the heel of the other foot, bashing the toe with a hammer, cutting off the satin cover and singeing the toe with a lighter, scratching the sole with some kind of scratching tool, and running them under water. Girls also stretch their feet and legs and stuff. After a while, the dudes come in, because they don't have to wear pointe shoes and hence don't need as much prep time before class. People hug.

Okay. Now. There is obviously much about this film that is ridiculous. But maybe the most ridiculous thing of all is the casting of Peter Gallagher -- whose character, as we will soon, learn, is named Jonathan Reeves -- as the director of ABC and hence an ex-ballet dancer himself. I'm not saying the man isn't attractive, or that he doesn't have a good body, because he is, and he does. But he does not have a dancer's body. He's too thick in the torso. Maybe if this were a movie about an elite wrestling school (called Center Ring, perhaps), I would buy it; an ex-wrestler, he could be. An ex-ballet dancer? Sorry, but...no. However, that's all I'm going to say about his utterly wrongheaded casting in this role, because he obviously knows it's a shit script but he still commits to it entirely and is one of the best things about the movie.

Jonathan enters trailed by several teachers (the three that have lines are "ABA Girls' Class Teacher," Lisa LeGuillou: Special Victims Unit "Bound"; "ABA Pas De Deux Class Teacher," Robert Montano: "Savages," "We Like Mike," Blood," "Mother's Milk," and SVU "Baby Killer"; and "Juliette Simone," Donna Murphy: "Right to Counsel," "Thrill," "Mother's Milk"), and imperiously surveys the room. The students fall into a loose semi-circle around him. He asks the new students to raise their hands. He asks which of them were the best dancers in the last class they took; many of them raise their hands, including Charlie and Jody. Jonathan bloviates: "It's a heady thing, isn't it, being the best? Teachers dote on you, other students ask for your help. An aura builds, and then you get accepted into ABA. And whether or not you admit it, you start thinking it's just a matter of time before you're doing Giselle in front of packed houses at Lincoln Center. For most of you, that will never happen." Um. Thanks, Mr. Un-Kotter. Maureen smirks, because she's a bitch. Jody's face falls. Honey, he means you. And your bad feet and crappy turnout. In fact, you make me sick. "I don't say this to be cruel -- I say it to help you clarify your expectations for the year ahead. If you work harder every day than you've ever worked in your life, this school will turn you into the best dancer you can possibly be. That may or may not be the kind of dancer I have room for in the company. At best, I can take three boys and three girls." Oooh, kinky! Jonathan takes it home, expositorially speaking: "I'll be watching you carefully over the coming months, but I won't be making any decisions until I see how you dance in the workshop performance at the end of the year." Those right there? Those were the stakes. Jonathan concludes with a little hollow praise: "They won't be easy decisions to make, because you're all very talented. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. Thank you for bringing your gifts to our community. I wish you all a very good year." The students applaud as Jonathan makes to drag his self-important ass on out of there. Charlie turns to Erik and snits, "I hope he doesn't think that's inspirational." Whatever, dude, at least he can act. Erik snickers. As the applause subsides, Jonathan kicks it expo-style, adding that there's an ABC performance coming up, to which they always invite ABA's advanced students to "help out at the party afterwards." In other words: slave labour.

As Jonathan starts to leave for real, Eva rolls up, casual in a backless grey halter leotard, her hair unkempt, blowing a gum bubble. Jonathan looks perturbed, and asks her name, which she insouciantly supplies. Behind Jonathan, Charlie and Erik goggle at Eva's laissez-faire attitude. "So glad you could fit us into your busy schedule, Eva," comments Jonathan haughtily. "Oh, no sweat," she grins. She is unmoved by his elevated position, you see, because she is from the 'hood, and is just keepin' it real. There's a general "ooooooh" from the students. Miss Rodriguez, if you're nasty! As Eva goes to take her place at the barre, Juliette shoots her a sidelong glance.

Girls' class, led by Juliette. She starts them on a series of exercises. Donna Murphy, by the way, was forty-two when this movie was made and looks tremendous. Her skin is flawless, her body doesn't appear to have an ounce of fat on it, and her hair is in this amazingly complex and pretty bun at the nape of her neck. Brava to you, Ms. Murphy. Anyway, the girls do their thing to the accompaniment of a smooth piano jam. Juliette strolls among the troops, giving out random (and, to me, meaningless) words of advice along the way, so you know she's on her way to give Jody shit about her crappy turnout. Which she does, soon enough. Jody adjusts her feet, but Juliette still looks unimpressed. However, she has bigger, blacker fish to fry: Eva, looking all raggedy at the barre, and still chomping away on her gum. Eva, in addition to the ugly grey leotard, has on extremely unflattering white tights and some kind of flowery sarong tied around her hips. Juliette quietly informs her that there is a dress code in the class -- black leotards and pink tights. Eva, unconcerned, takes this in and cracks, "Stylish." Juliette (in an unfortunately-angled shot that makes her look like a Muppet) glares, "No gum." Eva rolls her eyes, and makes a big show of swallowing it and smiling agreeably. Juliette snaps, "Get your hair off your face." Eva glares for a moment, and then tucks her wisps behind her ears irritatedly. Y'all. Don't be all putting The Man's rules on her body, okaaaaaay? She was just trying to keep it real.

Later in the class, more dancing. Juliette gives the class some new choreography, and then asks Maureen to demonstrate. Eva rolls her eyes disgustedly, but everyone else watches Maureen like they know she's the shit. Maureen does her thing, as Juliette narrates all the things Maureen is doing right. "Oh, she's so good!" Jody gasps to Eva. "Yeah, just ask her," Eva snorts. Dude, word. Way to tell it like it is, Eva. Way to, I daresay, keep it real.

Later. Another exercise. This one is accompanied by bouncier piano music and is performed by the girls in groups of three. Eva is in the first group and nails it. On the edge of the class, a bad-acting blonde dancing ringer -- whose name, as we probably won't learn for a while, is named Anna -- turns to Maureen in evident surprise at Eva's proficiency to marvel, "Where's she from?" Girl, she's from the 'hood. Can't you tell by the way she's keepin' it real all up in here? A bitchily competitive Maureen doesn't have time to answer before Anna heads off to take her turn in her group, which also includes Jody. As they wrap it up, Jody loses her footing and crashes into Anna. Nice one, Turnout McCrapfoot. Anna wheels on her angrily. Juliette dryly scolds Jody to watch where she's going: "We don't carry collision insurance." Boo. Booooo, Bill. The Girls' Class Teacher turns to the Pas de Deux Class Teacher (who, if we knew anything about him, might turn out to be the one other gay guy at ABA) and mutters, "Who let that disaster in here?" "Mmm," agrees Pas de Deux.

Out in the hall after class, Jody insists to Eva that she's usually a better dancer than one might surmise from her performance just then, but that she's nervous. Eva reassures her that the first day doesn't count. "Everything counts here," Maureen interjects bitchily, though no one asked her. Jody, Eva, Maureen, Anna, and another girl -- who, as we will soon learn, is named Emily -- pause in the doorway of the boys' class to coo and chitter at the boys as though (a) they'd know what to do with a guy if they had one, and (b) the guys in the class are not all gigantic queens. Emily points out the "fresh meat" in the middle; cut to the room, so we can see she is referring to Charlie. Eva tells Anna and Emily his name. "Is he gay or straight?" Emily asks. "Straight," says Eva, as he saunters by them, getting cordial waves from Eva and Jody. "Straight!" squeal Anna and Emily, as if it's a very rare occurrence for a guy at ABA not to be gay, even though, as far as this movie is concerned, the only gay guy for miles around is Erik. Make up your mind, stupid movie! Wait, don't go, movie! I didn't mean it, baby. You know I love you. I'll never disrespect you again.

Anyway: one of the girls then calls everyone else's attention back out to the hall, where a toothy, manly-jawed Annie Hall-dressing reject calls out, "Hi, girls!" in an extremely unpleasant, nasal voice. "Maureen, Anna," she greets them. "Hi, Kathleen," Maureen responds, bored. Kathleen is played by Julie Kent, which I mention not because you should know who that is, but because Kent is the best of the bad-acting dancing ringers. Too bad about her nasal voice. Jody is absolutely dumbstruck: "That was Kathleen Donahue, wasn't it?" "The Kathleen Donahue," Maureen confirms snottily. Jody opines that Kathleen is beautiful. Eva keeps it real by countering that she thinks Kathleen looks like a gerbil. What she looks most like is a dude, but whatever. What follows is a flurry of exposition that boils down to this: Kathleen used to date Cooper, but she dumped his ass for Jonathan, and Cooper got all pissed off and spent the summer dancing (presumably very angrily) in London where (as Emily puts it) "rumour has it he drinks like a fish and screws every girl in tights." Maybe if the line had been "everything in tights," I'd have bought it. Maureen tries to sound all insider-y as she crows that Cooper is back, but hasn't spoken to anyone yet. By now they've arrived at some kind of lounge-y area in the hallway, with a bunch of couches set up facing each other, but they sit beside a couch on the floor instead of on the couch. Is that a ballet thing? Anyway, Jody says Cooper talked to her. Everyone's eyes pop out in anticipation of her awesome dish, but she lamely can say only that he offered to help her with her bags. Ooh, Jody, tell it again! Eva should keep it real by telling her not to be so damn boring. Anna, Emily, and Maureen all share a piteous look at how sad Jody's attempts at social climbing are. And they are right.

In an office at ABA or ABC (whatever, same diff), a blonde woman -- who, we will soon learn, is Maureen's mom ("Nancy Cummings," Debra Monk: "Coma," "Born Again") -- is talking to someone on the phone about giving the caller free tickets to some event or other. It doesn't matter, except to establish that Maureen's mother works at ABA or ABC in some administrative capacity. As Mrs. Cummings hangs up, Maureen enters, smirking smugly. "Well?" asks Mrs. Cummings. "Nothing to worry about," Maureen gloats, bitchily.

Cafeteria. As Maureen and Mrs. Cummings load up their plates with healthy-looking greens, Maureen gives Mrs. Cummings the rundown on the new students: "Jody's hopeless. She'll never make it....Eva's actually good -- amazing extension -- but her attitude stinks. Jonathan hates her already, thank God." Mrs. Cummings exposits, "So you still think it'll be you, Anna, and Emily?" Maureen does, kind of: "Have you seen Emily lately?" She sees Emily coming toward them before we do and mutters at Mrs. Cummings, "Look at her." They both turn as Emily appears. We're supposed to think she's fat -- which she isn't, by normal standards -- so she's eating something as she goes by, but it could be a leaf of lettuce for all we can tell. Mrs. Cummings greets Emily with fake cheer, and then rolls her eyes at Maureen, "Oh dear." "Her pas de deux partner's going to need a crane to lift her," jokes Maureen, like the bitch she is. Mrs. Cummings chuckles bitchily, proving that the bitchy apple doesn't fall far from the nasty cooze of a tree.

Ballet. This is the ABC premiere performance all the students were invited to attend so that they could work for free...I mean, "help out" at the party afterward. First there's a number from Swan Lake. The grown-up ballerinas ballet. They wrap it up. Cut to Maureen in the audience, applauding but looking very bored, as opposed to Sergei and Charlie, who are practically waving huge foam fingers in their excitement. Actually, what they should do to liven up ballet performances is sell big foam feet.

Then it's Romeo and Juliet. What is this, Armistead Maupin's Tales of the Ballet? What's with the anthology? Whatever: Kathleen is dancing Juliet and Cooper is Romeo. It's the balcony scene. They dance. They're good. Cooper, in particular, is a much better dancer than he is an actor, and his junk in his tights is absolutely enormous. Look, I'm not saying it does anything for me; I'm just saying, it's...there. He obviously wants me to notice it, and now I have. He also has an ass you could crack a walnut on. Charlie is impressed. Maybe not by the ass. But maybe by the ass. I'm just saying. Jody seriously looks orgasmic, or maybe high. Erik is also very moved, and Eva is totally crying. But...that's not keepin' it real! They don't cry about ballet in the 'hood! I am confused! The ballet is still going on. So much for me to not have to type. I love dialogue-free sequences. Woo! Romeo and Juliet finish their number with a kiss. It's actually pretty hot. Jody climaxes. Eva sheepishly smiles around her tears.

Party. Each of the student ballerinas carries a basket full of used ballet crap, formerly belonging to and now autographed by various ABC members. Eva is complaining that they have to try to sell them to party guests (as a fundraiser, presumably). Jody toes (heh) the party line, but Eva doesn't think anyone will buy "a smelly old shoe." As they reach the top of the staircase they've been walking up, they pass a fellow ballet student (not one with any lines, but I recognize him) leaning against a railing with a drink, all cool. Why isn't he selling stupid shoes? In fact, none of the male ballet students appears to have been put to work at this event. Not even the gay one. No wonder Eva's so pissed off. Anyway, Eva and Jody part to work the crowd. There's general applause as Jonathan and Kathleen waltz. Though it's nothing special, because while Julie Kent is a professional dancer, Peter Gallagher is most decidedly not.

Later, still at the party, Cooper is kissing some random on the cheek when Jonathan appears to tell him about a guest "whose husband just died, leaving her two hundred million dollars," and who "adores" Cooper. Hm, can't be Liza.... "Let me introduce you," Jonathan concludes. "Now...why does that feel wrong?" Cooper asks, emotionlessly, because he can't act. And also, shut up, Cooper; you're a damn ballet dancer, so don't act like you're too good to kiss ass for the funds that pay you. Jonathan tells him it'll be good for the company, and Cooper has a sarcastic but not witty comeback that's not worth transcribing. Also, he's wearing a lot of eyeliner. You get a dressing room so you can wash that off after the show, dude. Jonathan snorts at Cooper's self-righteousness. Or maybe at his bad acting. It could be either, or both.

Cut to the woman who adores Cooper ("Joan Miller," Elizabeth Hubbard: "The Corporate Veil"). Joan has a so-so red dye job and looks to be in her well-preserved late sixties, and she leaps up and hurries over to Cooper as soon as he appears. Jonathan introduces them. Joan gushes that she's Cooper's biggest fan. "And my loveliest," Cooper croaks, kissing her hand. As Joan starts alluding to Cooper's sojourn in London, we see that Jody has happened upon them; she's visible, in the background, in the space between Cooper and Joan. Cooper takes this opportunity to needle Jonathan: "Don't you listen to the gossip? I was being huffy! Scorned lover! All that." He turns to see Jonathan's reaction, but Jonathan looks only mildly disgusted -- more by what an ass Cooper is than how Cooper is stinging him with the reference to his breakup with Kathleen. Just then, Jody barrels forward, evidently meaning to head around Joan and Cooper, when she trips and runs into Joan. Jody starts apologizing, but Joan assures Jody that she's fine. Jonathan introduces Joan to "one of our advanced students," and Joan turns back to stare at Jody, looking hilariously aghast that Jody the graceless clod is a ballet student. Cooper looks faintly amused that Jody busted up his uncomfortable conversation. Jody jumps in at Jonathan's pause to supply her name. Jonathan covers that he has so many promising students this year that he can't keep them straight. Cooper starts talking more sarcastic crap about how "taxing" Jonathan's job is, concluding by smarming at Jody, "I don't run a company. I won't forget." And then he winks, because he's a total hunk of gorgonzola, and Jody totally falls for it because she is naïve, and thinks it's about her, and not about Cooper showing up Jonathan.

A waiter played by Eion Bailey -- who, we will soon learn, is named Jim Gordon -- comes up to Maureen and starts flirting with her by offering to trade one of the hors d'oeuvres on his tray for one of her tiaras. He obviously sucks at flirting if he's going to try to win over the anorexic with food. Whoops! Did I give away a plot point? Whatever, that comes out (along with a slice of pizza, heh) in about twenty minutes anyway. Maureen asks what he intends to use the tiara for. Jim: "State funerals, abdications -- the usual." Maureen icily says she'll see if they have her size, and takes off, rolling her eyes bitchily.

Erik comes up to Charlie, Emily, and Jody and tells them to follow him. They do. In the space they've vacated, Cooper rolls up with a glass of champagne, which he hands to Kathleen, who is talking to a couple of guests. Kathleen reluctantly accepts the glass from Cooper as the guests compliment them on their performance. Sounding extremely gay, Male Guest tells Cooper he's "the finest Romeo since Jonathan himself." Since Jonathan himself...pinned Romeo in two rounds back in '73? Kathleen smiles tightly. Cooper smiles like a cocky ass. Female Guest squeals at how good Cooper and Kathleen were together. Kathleen looks increasingly uncomfortable. Cooper: "I don't do anything." He leans over and kisses Kathleen very inappropriately on the neck. "It's all her." Kathleen clenches her jaw and looks like she wants to break her champagne flute and take out Cooper's eye with it. He smiles at her smugly; she glares back. I think Cooper may have styled his hair with a hot comb tonight; it's all feathered like he's getting ready to go host That's Incredible!.

Erik, Emily, Jody and Charlie sneak through some hidden door and onto the stage at Lincoln Center. They all get excited at the view from the stage, and bust out some cute little dance moves. Charlie lifts Jody over his head (fine -- kind of hot), and Erik dips Emily but does not lift her, because she is fat. Charlie switches his grip and brings Jody easily down toward the floor. Also hot. Plus if he were into Jody -- or any girl -- he'd probably be a little psyched at how close his hand just got to her panties. They hear voices and scurry into the wings. Cooper and Kathleen have entered a side door into the audience seats; she's berating him for "pawing" at her "in front of all those people. Cooper protests that he wasn't pawing at her even though he clearly was. Cooper is really an ass. "I mean, I can't even touch you? We're not friends anymore?" Dude, friends don't kiss friends on the neck. Okay, I may have kissed one of my friends on the neck at dinner last week, but that was by mistake when I missed her cheek. And what you did, sir, was no accident. Kathleen is much nicer to Cooper than he deserves, telling him she's glad he's back, since he's a "wonderful dancer," but that she's still as happily married now as she was when he left. Cooper apparently thinks that they danced so well earlier because Kathleen's secretly unfulfilled in her marriage. Kathleen exasperatedly points out that they were performing for an audience -- acting, you might even say, in their professional capacity. Cooper pouts. Kathleen stalks out past him. Cooper very macho-ly shotguns the rest of his champagne and scowls out behind her. The students emerge from the wings, all psyched about the dish they now have to share -- all except Jody, that is, who looks concerned about Cooper's sadness, because she is in love with Cooper, because she is naïve.

Post-party, Jim is cleaning up as the students stride out of Lincoln Center. Eva is still bitching about the slave labour, and I still don't blame her. Seeing Maureen coming, Jim grabs a tray of leftover tarts (which are topped with fresh raspberries and blueberries and look pretty awesome) and brings it over to Maureen to try -- once again, and just as misguidedly -- to woo her with food: "Fruit tart for the road?" "Yeah, I'll take one," says Emily, because she is fat. "That's practically all fat, Emily," Maureen bitchily points out. Emily looks hurt, but takes a tart anyway. Hearing Emily's name, Jim introduces himself, and then asks the group if they work at Lincoln Center. Jody tells him they're students at ABA. "Ballerinas! Very cool!" says Jim appreciatively. And slightly pervily, too, in that way that everyone was all excited on that one Seinfeld when Jerry was dating a gymnast. Maureen is still freezing Jim out and looking very annoyed that everyone else is telling Jim shit about themselves and, by extension, her. Emily takes a bite of her tart and moans like she has a G-spot in her upper GI tract: "Oh my God! You've got to try one of these, Maureen." Maureen gives her an amazingly dirty look. Emily instantly snaps her eyes front like she knows she fucked up. Jim: "Well, she has a name. 'Maureen.'" Maureen says they have to go. Jim calls after her like persistent guys in movies do that we're not supposed to think are pushy creeps, but rather dedicated romantics: "I'm gonna go home, call my mom, tell her how wrong I've been about New York." The girls force Maureen to stop and listen. Jim: "You see, Maureen No Last Name, all this time I've been telling her, it's an interesting city, but completely devoid of any true natural beauty. And now that I've met you, I know that's not true." Jody giggles like a chipmunk. She's acting like she's never seen a guy before. Isn't she supposed to be, like, eighteen? I know she's naïve, but come on. Emily calls out to Jim that Maureen's last name is Cummings. Maureen takes off, and the rest of the group follows close behind.

Montage! Classes. People dance. Charlie is apparently good, because he gets lots of praise in the boys' class.

Eva shows up barely on time for girls' class, attired in observance of the dress code.

Juliette makes minute corrections to Jody's posture as Jody looks hot and embarrassed. Maureen executes some move perfectly and everyone is jealous. Jody still has shitty turnout.

The girls dance. Eva is good. Jonathan approves. Juliette asks if she feels the difference. "Felt like the same old shit to me," Eva replies, and then smiles prettily. Hee. Eva swears in class because that's a way of bringing a little of the 'hood into ABA and keepin' it real. Jonathan glares. Jody dances, screws up, and gets more and more flustered the more she is corrected. Jonathan watches appraisingly. After class, the nameless girls' class teacher who is not Juliette calls Emily over to tell her, in a veiled way, that she's a fat-ass.

Pas de deux class. The girls' gesture is supposed to say, "Hello! I'm waiting!" And the boys' gesture is supposed to respond, "I am your slave." They go through it. Eva and Sergei are paired together, and he kneels and blurts, "I am your slave." "I'd believe it more if you weren't staring at your own fucking reflection when you said it," mutters Eva sharply. The nameless pas de deux teacher scolds, "If someone wants to hear profanity, Ms. Rodriguez, they can take a subway. They don't need to spend sixty dollars on a ballet ticket." Ooooh. "Though she has a point," he adds, to Sergei. Hee. Charlie is partnered with Jody, who has fucked up yet again.

Girls' class. Nameless teacher is still trying to fix Jody's turnout. Jody's face is strained like she's trying and failing to take a crap.

Jody practises alone, at night, in a studio. And, because it is a dance montage, we conclude with a shot of Jody nursing her bleeding feet. Dancing is hard, y'all!

Girls' class. Eva is doing well. Juliette is getting scolded about her turnout, but keeps trying to push through without stopping. Juliette will not lay off her and finally starts clapping like it's kindergarten: "USE what you HAVE and TURN OUT." Eva loses her shit and screams at Juliette," Jesus, she heard you!" Everyone stops dead, including the pianist, which is hilarious. We need a movie about that guy, and what it's like to watch all these prissy little bitches acting like it's so important for them to learn how to stand on their hind legs. Anyway, Juliette looks angry and sad, and finally says, very quietly, "Excuse me?" Eva -- keepin' it real -- refuses to back down: "She heard you. We all heard you! You don't have to speak to her like that! Anyone can see she's working her ass off!" Juliette says that's enough. Looking at once wounded and resolute, she tells Eva that it's her classroom, and that she'll run it as she sees fit; if Eva has a problem with that, she is free to leave. Woohoo! Three-day weekend! Eva looks incredulous, and then decides not to say anything else and takes off. Juliette delicately knits her brow.

Outside, Eva smokes. When she's done, she elegantly stubs out the butt with the toe of her slipper. You know what she's keepin' it, you guys? Real.

Jody is sitting in the hall in the office at ABA (or C) when the receptionist ("ABA Receptionist," Olga Merediz: "Sonata for Solo Organ," "Extended Family," "Barter," "Vaya Con Dios," Criminal Intent: "Best Defense," SVU: "Shaken") bustles up to Maureen and Anna to bitch at Maureen not to give out the office number to people who want to reach her. Maureen says she didn't, and the receptionist says that a Jim Gordon has been calling for her "non-stop." Anna sits down to an obviously uncomfortable Jody and nosily asks what she's doing there. "Nothing," Jody lies. "Just waiting." Anna stares, waiting for Jody to spill it so she can take it right back to Maureen.

The timeline's slightly fucked up here, because Jody is wearing the same hairstyle (braids crossed over her head) and ugly short-sleeved zip-up shirt she had on the day Jonathan observed her disapprovingly in class. Not that it really matters. Anyway, she's in Jonathan's office, protesting to Juliette and Jonathan that he didn't see her at her best and that she wasn't herself. Long story short: he's not sure she's ABA material, and cites her bad feet, bad turnout, and -- here's a new one -- wrong body type as reasons. ("Wrong Body Type" is ballet talk for "heifer.") Anyway, he makes it out like he's trying to do the kind thing by cutting her now, if she's not good enough for ABA, so that she can go start on the non-ballet phase of her life. The way Gallagher is delivering this devastating news, by the way, is hilarious: he's doing it in this tone like she, in her heart of hearts, really agrees with him and knows what he's saying is right, and he's just reminding her. At the same time, he's all phonily regretful about it, like he's so disappointed that he's put her in the position of having to destroy her life's ambition. Awesome. Jody comments that Margot Fonteyn also had bad feet, and Jonathan rhapsodizes, "When Margot Fonteyn was on stage, you couldn't tear your eyes away from her!" Remember, how the auditioner said that about Jody, at the beginning? How her technique was shit, but she was still magnetic overall? Well, now I've reminded you. That happened. Jonathan adds, with a little chuckle, "Can't be taught," in a way that makes you think he really means to say, "You're no Margot Fonteyn, Fatty Bubelatty." Jody cries. Jonathan reminds us about the goddamn workshop again (now we learn that it's four months away), and tells her that from what he's seen, he couldn't cast her in it. Jody bites her lip. Jonathan adds that if she isn't in the workshop, no one from any of the country's ballets will see her, and she'll never get a job as a dancer. Jody calmly asks if they're kicking her out. Jonathan says they aren't; they just want her to think really hard about whether ABA is the right place for her. Oh -- it's another anti-pep talk to get her to counter their no-confidence vote with some really kick-ass dancing. Let's see if it works!

In their dorm room, Eva comforts Jody as she cries. Eva, keeping it real, decries Jonathan as "a prick," and will not hear Jody's defense that he was "perfectly nice about it": "Yeah, but being nice when you say something pricky is even prickier." That's kind of true. From offscreen, we hear Maureen's voice ask, "What if he's right?" Jody and Eva both turn toward her, aghast. Maureen continues, bitchily: "Let's be honest, here. You're not like most of the girls here. Your technique is nowhere near where it should be." Eva defends Jody in kind of a backhanded way (while still getting out one of the movie's talking points) by saying that "there's more to being a great dancer than perfect technique." "Try dancing Swan Lake without it," snaps Maureen smugly. Eva rolls her eyes. Maureen adds that Jody is "really smart" (um...we've seen no evidence of this), and that she could still salvage the year and go to college. Jody chokes, "I don't want to go to college, I want to dance!" "Yeah, well, so do a lot of people," Maureen sighs wearily. "Jesus! What, you went to a special bitch academy or something?" Eva exclaims. First of all, I thought ballet school was a special bitch academy, and second, if this movie had been called Bitch Academy, I'll bet it would have done a lot better. Maureen squeals, "I'm just trying to be honest! In my opinion, that's what friends do -- tell each other the truth." I love how assholes try to excuse their own rudeness by saying they're "just being honest." Dude, Jody is sobbing. Her dream is dead. She doesn't want you to be honest, she wants you to blow some smoke up her ass, so either grab a straw or get out. "I guess that explains why you have so many friends," Eva zings. Maureen has no comeback, so she gathers her books (they have homework?) and says she's going to the library (there's a library?). Eva takes a breath and then offers to tell Jody the truth. Jody nods slightly in preparation. Eva admits that Jody's technique isn't the greatest: "But the people here know what they're looking for, and on the day of your audition they saw it, in you!" Jody whines that now "all they see is the wrong body type." Eva gets sick of Jody's shit and informs her that they're going out.

Outside, Maureen -- with Anna and gigantic cow Emily -- is accosted by Jim the creepy stalker, but it's a movie, so his persistence is "charming," and also we learn he's pre-Med at Columbia, so Maureen relents at her friends' urging and agrees to go out with him.

Salsa club. Charlie brings a tray of margaritas to the table for Erik, Eva, Jody, and fifth wheel Sergei, who is, like, making picks for his Rotisserie Ballet Team by guessing which students are going to get invited to join ABA after the fabled workshop. Everyone's gussied up, except Jody, who has her hair pulled up in a high, fluffy ponytail. She's like the ballet-branded My Little Pony. Bun, or down loose. No in between. Jody gazes longingly (or drunkenly) at the carefree salsa dancers getting down on the dance floor, which Charlie notices, whereupon he pulls her onto the dance floor, and they salsa. Obviously, they're good, because they are professional dancers. Their three companions watch from the table, Erik pouting, "What does she have that I don't?" Naïveté? "Salsa," Sergei guesses, but Eva rejects the idea that the two whiteys have "salsa" and demands that Erik dance with her. The two couples have a dance-off. Dance dance dance.

Sergei hits on two stereotypical Jersey girls who laugh at him when he tells them he's a ballet dancer. Because girls from Jersey have no class. It's time you learned.

Maureen is on her date with Jim. They're with a bunch of his university friends, bowling. She's never bowled before, because she's been sheltered her whole life and also is a bitch. She gets seven pins down on the first frame of her life, as if.

Later, they all drink beer and eat bowling-alley pizza. Because if you're in New York, where else would you want to eat pizza except at a shitty bowling-alley snack bar? One of Jim's friends is telling a joke, and the camera pans around Jim's friends' faces (the girls are dowdy and frumpy, because you don't need to dress fancy when you're at smart school). So the joke is that a mouse is fucking an elephant as two monkeys watch, throwing elephants at the elephant's head. The elephant cries out in pain at the coconuts, which causes the mouse to think it's his prowess in lovemaking that is causing the elephant's reaction, and to exclaim, "Yeaaaaaaaah. Take it all, bitch!" It's not funny. But by the end of the joke, Maureen has loosened up enough to take the first bite of her pizza. That pizza was lying in wait for her to let her guard down for a split second. Damn you, pizza! Jim's friends are drips.

Back at the salsa club, it's much later, and the house band is playing a ballad. Jody and Charlie slow-dance, Jody wondering aloud why all dancing can't be "this fun." Charlie opines that it is, because Charlie doesn't have the wrong body type.

At the bar, Sergei hits on an extremely hard-looking older woman ("Sergei's Salsa Partner," Nancy Hess: "Fools For Love"), who is asking what he's doing in the U.S. Sergei lies that he's in the Russian mob. The barfly is intrigued.

Cut back to the dance floor, where another fast song is going and Sergei's salsa partner is dragging him around in a macabre burlesque of salsa dancing. Sergei is amusingly flummoxed by her. Charlie has stripped off his dress shirt, revealing the sleeveless black t-shirt underneath. I approve of this decision. He and Jody dance quite sexily and everyone has flirty fun. Aw. Young dancers in love. I wish I had some chips and salsa right now.

Jim walks Maureen to the door at ABA. They're both eating ice cream cones even though in the scene where Jim asked her out, everyone was in a winter coat and Anna actually had a toque on. But whatever. She is playing coy, which is how bitches communicate attraction -- with put-on bitchiness. Jim goes in for a kiss by telling her she has ice cream on her lip. Weak! This man is supposed to be saving lives in just a few short years? I'd rather see a physician who has a pair, thanks. Jim asks if he could see her up to her room, but she says he's not allowed. They establish that they want to see each other again, and smooch again. Maureen brings her ice cream cone with her, in case she feels like punishing herself for eating part of it by cramming it into her eye or something.

The salsa-ers stagger drunkenly out of the salsa club. Sergei's Salsa Partner has attached herself to his face as he protestingly tries to free himself from her clutches and blathers that he wants to go to another club. Jody and Charlie hang back, Jody trailing her fingers along his neck as she slurs, "You're sweaty. I don't mind 'cause you're sweet, and so's your sweat. Sweet sweat." Hee. "You are too," Charlie leers. "What -- sweet or sweaty?" Jody asks. "Both," he says. Oh, drunken banter. How you do amuse the sober.

In the bathroom at the ABA dorm, Maureen inspects her reflection in profile, trying to compress her gut with one hand on her stomach and the other on the small of her back. She does not care for what she sees, and shortly enters a stall and barfs. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't have the flu, or some sort of intestinal parasite, or an eating disorder! Not any of those equally likely scenarios do I wish on her!

The morning, the salsa-ers are suffering in class. Jody lurches around even more clumsily than usual and none of them looks like he or she has showered. Eva is giggling like she may even still be drunk. Maureen is Sergei's pas de deux partner, and when he lifts her onto his shoulder, he collapses, and it's funny when people fall down. Eva snickers, "Careful with that one -- you break it, you bought it." Everyone -- including the non-salsa-ers -- cracks up. The queeny teacher from before who criticized Eva's potty mouth calls them all to the front of the class to bitch them out for showing up to class all hung over and shit. Eva can't help herself from giggling through his scolding, so he kicks them out of class.

Cut to later, where the Drunkson 5 are cleaning mirrors in an otherwise empty studio; apparently their punishment is to clean the mirrors in all the studios at school. They all tease Sergei for his ill-advised hook-up, including threatening to tell his girlfriend about his new squeeze, and shortly, a sponge fight ensues. Now, why would you make even more mess for yourselves when you've been charged to clean up the joint? And also, all that soapy water can't be good for the studio floors. Wood is your friend, kids. You can't dance without it. Believe me. Maureen appears at the door and watches them jealously, but no one takes any notice of her bitchy ass.

Cut to the cafeteria, where Maureen is dining with her mother, excitedly repeating the joke Jim's boring college friend told the night before. Or, trying to, because her mother keeps interrupting to offer various typical stage-mother-y pieces of advice, such as having Maureen take Charlie as her pas de deux partner. Maureen tries to blow past it and resume her joke, but Mrs. Cummings curtly informs Maureen that she's trying to talk to Maureen about something important. Maureen says that's not important. Mrs. Cummings argues, "Having a bad pas de deux partner is like having a bad tennis partner!" Or a bad...partner...of any kind...mightn't one say? Maureen coldly reminds Mrs. Cummings, "I wouldn't know. I've never played tennis." Mrs. Cummings regards Maureen blandly and asks, "What's wrong with you? Did you just start your period?" "No!" Maureen replies, outraged, because she's been extremely careful with her diet to ensure that she hasn't had a period in six years. Mrs. Cummings resumes her theme, saying that if Maureen is partnered with Charlie, she'll be more likely to get a good part in the FUCKING WORKSHOP. "I don't think I'll have a hard time getting a good part, Mom," Maureen replies, chuckling. Mrs. Cummings lays it on thick to make sure we appreciate the pressure Maureen is under: "You can't afford to be cavalier, Maureen. Your entire career hangs on what you're going to get to dance in the workshop." Maureen bitterly says, "I know all this." Mrs. Cummings, exasperated: "Please don't turn into a sullen teenager on me now. We've come this far. I thought we were home free!" She adds that she has a meeting with Jonathan today and can mention to him that Maureen should partner with Charlie. Maureen, through gritted teeth: "So. What happens is, the elephant goes, 'Ow, ow,' and the mouse goes, 'Take it all, bitch!'" She gathers her things and stomps out. (Without finishing her lunch, not that I need to say that, because...Maureen.)

Okay, most random scene in the movie. It's obviously trimmed down from some longer scene that would put into some kind of context what we're about to see. But that would probably be boring, behind-the-scenes ballet crap, so it's just as well. In a studio empty but for the two of them, Cooper amusedly accuses Jonathan, "You're threatened by me." Jonathan is at the door as he hears this, and we see several students out in the hall totally eavesdropping, so maybe what we missed was a Cooper/Jonathan slap fight in front of a whole class of students? We'll never know. Well, I might know if I listened to the director's commentary, but I don't have time for that now. Anyway. Jonathan turns back and sniffs, "I'm threatened by no one." Cooper claims that Jonathan is jealous of "someone" (Cooper) choreographing "interesting dances" for the company. Based on what we see later, "interesting" is not the first adjective I would think of to describe Cooper's work. Peter Gallagher awesomely chews on this line: "I'm not an idiot." He infuses it with so much weariness and contempt that he drawls it and it sounds more like "I'm not a nidiot," and I love Peter Gallagher for knowing this movie is beneath him and yet completely committing to play this smug asshole as smugly and assholishly as he possibly can. Jonathan goes on to say that if Cooper proves to be a good choreographer, Jonathan will be "begging" him to come up with shit for ABC to do. "But for now I can only choreograph for the student workshop," Cooper exposits. Jonathan confirms that's his decision. Ethan Stiefel is not a good enough actor to seem menacing as Cooper declares that Jonathan is "still hanging on to all that personal shit." Jonathan calmly replies, "I don't need to hang onto anything. I got the girl." Awesome!

Jody negotiates her way down a narrow hallway -- full of decidedly non-ABA dancers -- to a reception desk, where she asks the woman at the desk if they have a 5:30 class. The woman asks what kind Jody would like. "Anything but ballet," Jody replies. Polka it is.

So Jody's at some kind of Broadway dance studio full of Broadway dancers, who are dressed haphazardly and eating and rubbing up against each other in frank displays of uninhibited sexuality and kissing boys -- even if they themselves are boys! -- and basically putting on a little play for Jody called Ballet Is For WASPs. It's the anti-ABA. The instructor ("Jazz Class Teacher," Priscilla Lopez: "Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die") boisterously calls the class to order and the dancers all find places on the floor for "the usual warm-up," set to Mandy Moore's late '90s classic "Candy." As Jody's going through her paces, she is shocked -- shocked! -- to see Cooper jog in; he's evidently been there many times before and greets P.Lo warmly. He joins the class in their warm-up, and Jody watches his ass appreciatively. Okay, one of their stretching moves is for them to lie on their sides and kick their top legs up and this one guy we see as we pan across the class seriously kicks his leg all the way behind his head. That guy's boyfriend is really, really lucky. Cooper spots Jody and starts staring at her skeevily.

The warm-up completed, P.Lo gives some vague instructions as to the routine they're about to do, including, "Just dance the shit out of it," but we can tell that the students in the class have gone through it before. The song is "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers. The routine starts with just the dudes on the floor. They jazz. Jody stands on the sidelines with the other girls and watches, though not especially intently; she just seems to be enjoying the show. I'm no Joan Acocella, but they look pretty good. The guys wrap it up with a big jump and the girls take the floor. Now, this is the second most preposterous thing in the movie. (The most preposterous is yet to come, and it's awesome.) Jody joins the rest of the girls on the floor, taking a position in the front of the pack, and proceeds to dance the whole routine flawlessly. There's no sign that she's hesitating or looking to the other dancers for her cues; she's just dancing it perfectly after watching it once, and not all that closely, from what we can tell. But whatever; if we can already accept that someone with Jody's legendarily bad turnout could have been granted a full scholarship to a prestigious ballet school, then sure, we can accept that she's a choreography savant. And she does go through the whole thing with the lovely, radiant smile we haven't seen on her since the first scene, which is nice. Cooper watches her from the side and, though we don't hear what he's saying, apparently points her out to one of the other male dancers. The girls, for some reason, get half as many bars of music to dance as the guys do, and leave the stage, whereupon each of the dancers in turn gets a chance to run across the stage and do some kind of little fancy move; Jody's is a high ballet-y jump. Then everyone reconvenes on the floor for the big finish. Which Jody's never seen before. But executes with pinpoint accuracy. Disbelief. Suspended. The routine winds up with everyone lying flat on their backs on the floor, and what do you know? Cooper and Jody end up right to each other.

After class, P.Lo congratulates Cooper on getting to choreograph something for the GODDAMN WORKSHOP. She tells him to take chances: "Because you really suck when you play it safe." If she's talking about his acting, he...forget it. You know where I was going with that anyway. Jody walks out between them, head down, and thanks P.Lo for the class; P.Lo thanks her sweetly. Cooper watches her go and takes off after her with a quick "Great class" for P.Lo. Later, Master P!

Street. Jody emerges from the studio beside a shoe store I swear I've been in; I think this location is on Canal Street. Cooper comes out behind her in his amazingly gay black leather motorcycle jacket, calling, "Jody Sawyer. See, I told you I'd remember your name." He's dangling his helmet casually and makes for his hog, which is conveniently parked right out front of the building he entered, as always, always happens in downtown Manhattan. He asks her what she's doing "way down here." Jody starts apologizing, saying she knows she's not supposed to take any non-ABA dance classes. "Like I care?" Cooper shrugs, instead of, "Like I care," because that kid seriously cannot act, adding, "You looked great up there." Given the slightest bit of approval, Jody comes trotting over obediently, because she is naïve, babbling, "It's just that class. How come I can't dance like that in my ABA classes?" Cooper and his runny eyeliner guess, "Because...ABA has a great big stick up its ass?" You're as witty as your forebear Oscar Wilde, sir. Jody laughs. She's naïve, you see. Cooper asks if she's had dinner yet, and she quickly says she has. "Dessert?" Cooper prods, because he can spot an easy lay a mile away. Jody seems to demur, but Cooper tells her to "hop on," and if there's one thing Jody can't resist, it's a direct order.

Cooper rides his hog across one of New York's many bridges. I think they're heading toward Queens, but that's just a guess. Cooper looks so stupid in his little tiny helmet, I just can't even tell you. His head looks like a really dirty Q-tip.

Back at Cooper's improbable loft in let's say Queens, he pokes around in his tiny kitchen cupboard for the cookies he "could've sworn" he had. That's okay, Coop; Jody's already got a cookie and she's willing to share it with you. (Sorry.) Jody says it's okay that there are no cookies, fishing, "I'm in enough trouble with my body as it is." Cooper pours some wine, appraising her as he asks if she's getting that kind of talk from Jonathan. She confirms that it is he who is giving her the gears: "That, plus my feet suck, I'm poorly trained, and I could never be a dancer. Ever." She ends this speech with a pitiful little whine of a laugh. She doesn't know how to act around men, y'all! She's not from New York -- she's from one of those states in the middle where people get paired up for life at church box socials and stuff! Anyway, here we go again with someone telling Jody she's great; she may look like Kelly Taylor, but she's the Donna Martin of ABA for sure. Cooper: "Jonathan's a moron." And, talking point! "I couldn't take my eyes off you tonight." Ding ding ding! He gives her the sex eye (or tries to) as he hands her a glass of wine. Jody gets all kittenish as Cooper presses on: "I meant it, you know. I noticed your dancing before I recognized your face." Jody must not be that worried about her body because she's eating this up with a spoon. She flirts, "I have to admit, I recognized your face first." Giggle. Cooper moves in for a kiss. Moments later, they are totally doing it. Wow, she's even easier than I thought. And without baked goods of any kind. Well done.

Later, they've totally done it. Jody looks a little fuzzy and perhaps a tiny bit regretful. Cooper looks like he's thinking that was okay, but that he likes it better with boys. He half-assedly offers her something -- "water, some more wine," or the cookies he never found. Jody says she's fine. Cooper walks over to the window and checks his machine, on which Jonathan tells him where to be for final workshop casting. Jody rolls over in bed and starts getting dressed.

We are, however, spared her walk of shame as we cut to final fucking workshop casting at the girls' class, led by Juliette. Several teachers, including Queeny, Cooper, and Jonathan, watch impassively. There's some business where Anna deliberately ignores Juliette's instructions in order to show off in front of the judges, but from what we can tell they're not impressed.

Later, Mrs. Cummings enters and watches the girls doing their thing. She's still there once they've finished the round of exercises, as Juliette compliments Maureen on her technique, but adds, "You really fly more if it's from the heart." Eva gloats at her dis. Maureen looks stung.

Later still, in the hall, Mrs. Cummings bitches about Juliette's critique: "'Juliette Simone,' please. Her name's Julie Simon. She grew up in Perth Amboy. Her father managed a Wal-Mart." He did? Juliette's in her forties. Were there Wal-Marts in New Jersey in the '60s? This is what I'm fact-checking? I don't know why I care. Maureen is silent throughout her mother's tirade.

Cafeteria. Anna comes up to a table shared by Erik, Sergei, Eva, and big fat fucking Emily, to tell them that the workshop casts are going up at 1. They all take off.

In the offices at ABA, students crowd around the woman with the cast list ("Jonathan's Secretary," Brenda Denmark: "Cradle to Grave," "Mother Love," "Big Bang," "Jeopardy," "Phobia"; SVU: "Rooftop"; CI: "A Murderer Among Us"). She posts it on a bulletin board and somehow it doesn't get torn off immediately by the eager students' grabby hands. Anna is thrilled to get the lead in "Italian Symphony" (as we hear her telling her dad on her cell phone), but Eva looks disappointed at her part. Anna further exposits, via her cell phone, "Maureen got the lead in Jonathan's ballet but that has way more people." Just as Anna's reporting this, Maureen appears with her mother, who is telling her the role she won is "well deserved." Maureen looks pleased and only a little bitchy. Charlie and Erik run up behind her and hurry over to Jody to tell her she's doing a piece with the two of them -- what Charlie terms "a totally new ballet." "Who's choreographing?" Jody asks excitedly.

Who indeed. Somewhere at ABC, Cooper walks out into the hall, apparently post-rehearsal, with Kathleen. They run into Jody, who hands him a small white bakery box. "Thanks...," says Cooper, nonplussed. Jody starts midwesterning it up: "I just want to let you know how much it means to me to be in your ballet, and I won't let you down." Kathleen regards Jody with a mixture of amusement and pity. "Well, you were the best for the part. Simple as that," Cooper lies, trying not to make her think he cast her because she's his giiiiiiirlfriend, which she's totally not, even though she clearly thinks she is. Kathleen shoots Cooper a pointed look. Of the box, Jody explains, "It's some dessert." Kathleen arches a brow. Jody: "So, um. You'll have some on hand time." Kathleen rolls her eyes. Cooper shits a brick. Jody takes off. Kathleen stares at the totally busted Cooper, who avoids her eyes. "What?" he sputters. "I didn't say anything," Kathleen protests. Cooper tries to give her the cookies, but she refuses, "Nonsense. You heard her! They're for time." She bats her eyes exaggeratedly. Hee. Teasing co-workers about their ill-advised and quickly regretted hook-ups is fun.

Eva stops by Erik's room, allegedly to congratulate Erik on his part in Cooper's play, but really to make him comfort her for getting a shit part in the confounded workshop. Eva says Cooper's thing should be good, but Erik takes the opportunity both to express his reservations, and to remind us, in case we forgot, that he is a gay: "Jody says he has all these theories about making ballet for the people. I do ballet because it has nothing to do with the people. Give me tiaras and boys in tights any day." Eva chuckles. Erik says he heard about her part. Eva: "Just goes to show, don't piss off the boss." Well, yeah. Also, good things happen to skinny girls no matter how they got that way (MAUREEN). Eva self-pitycates, "No one will see me and I'll never get a job." Erik says he's sorry. Eva shrugs elaborately and says she doesn't care. Erik: "Yeah, I know." He pats the bed beside him. She comes over and lets him embrace her. Erik: "It sucks, huh." Eva: "What?" Erik: "Not caring." Oh, whatever. Well, Zoë Saldana almost sells this crap writing. But not quite.

It's the first rehearsal of Jonathan's ballet. The dress code has apparently been relaxed because everyone looks like...how Stevie Nicks would look if she were a ballerina. Too many layers and floral prints. What was wrong with the sleek black and pink, y'all? It's good enough for Chanel but not good enough for you? The leads are Maureen (as we knew) and Sergei. The corps -- eight couples that we can see -- form two lines, and Sergei is to walk between them toward Maureen; Jonathan is giving him extremely twee direction to this effect, and Eva is mocking him quietly to her (cute) partner. Jonathan overhears her dis, and asks if she has a problem. Eva breaks routine and says she does: "What is this about?" Jonathan: "The music. The music! It's an expression of harmony that isn't of this world." Eva doesn't look convinced. The routine goes on; Sergei takes Maureen's hand. Dancy dancy.

Over in another studio, Cooper is addressing his troops: "I want this as real as it can be. It's a triangle. [Jody's] a ballerina. And she's in love with you, Erik. And Charlie's the other guy; he's the director of a ballet company." No, seriously. No, seriously, seriously, that's what Cooper's ballet is about. He couldn't have plumbed the limits of his imagination to come up with one other scenario? Like, Jody's an accountant, and Charlie's the regional manager of H&R Block? Come on, tell me you wouldn't want to watch a ballet with a whole movement about allowable deductions! Anyway, at this plot synopsis, Charlie shoots Jody a look like, "Is he kidding with this shit?" Cooper motions to his assistant -- the guy with the insane leg extension from the jazz class -- who then motions to a guy at a drum set to give them a tasty beat. Cooper gives them the steps. And I'd also like to add for future reference that waaaaaaay in the back of the studio behind Erik, Jody, and Charlie are another guy, girl, and guy -- presumably their understudies, being treated like redheaded stepdancers. (As most step dancers are, I understand, since they're Irish and all.) Cooper then gets with Jody to demonstrate to Erik (surrogate Cooper) some move he's supposed to do with her. It ends with Jody in Cooper's arms, a big dumb grin on her face, because Jody naïvely thinks that just because he boned her once, it means they're going to be 2gether 4ever and never to part. And they ain't. (Sorry if I just spoiled it for you.) Anyway, Cooper gets all weirded out by the love light gleaming in Jody's naïve, deluded eyes, and hastily puts her down, saying, "That'll work."

Eva's talking to some random, as she and the rest of the students prepare to leave the class where Jonathan's rehearsal was taking place, when Juliette calls her over to the barre. Eva sighs elaborately before duly turning around and heading over, looking all put-upon. "You don't like him very much, do you," Juliette obviouses. Eva raises her eyebrows disgustedly, in a non-verbal "No shit, Shimone." Juliette pensively goes on to list all of Jonathan's bad qualities (unforgiving, arrogant, etc.) and observe that he shares them with every choreographer alive. (He definitely shares the arrogance with Cooper, from what we've seen of that hog-riding tool.) "The unwise dancers blame them," Juliette filibusters, to another huge eye-roll from Eva. Finally, Juliette gets to her damn point: "The smart ones know where to look when things get rough. It isn't there." She sidles portentously over to the barre and blahs, "It's here." Eva stops looking bitchy and dismissive for one second. God knows why, it's just a giant fucking dowel mounted on brackets, but whatever. Juliette: "No matter what happened in class, in performance, last week, five months ago -- if you come back here, you'll be home." Eva swallows hard and looks regretful for her past crankiness, even though all she was doing -- let's face it -- was keeping it real. Someone had to!

Jody -- all Heidi'd up with her hair parted center stage (sorry) and plaited into two french braids -- bounces into the dorm room all smiles. Jody asks how rehearsal with Jonathan was, and Eva distractedly says it was fine, but then turns back and snaps, "But Juliette Simone -- what a nosy bitch! She thinks she knows everything about everyone." Jody doesn't have a chance to respond as Maureen wanders in just as they're leaving. (I would like to add that Eva isn't dressed very real-keepin'-itly, in a K-Mart-looking bile green floral button-down blouse under a patchwork denim vest. If she'd worn that shit in the 'hood she'd have gotten her ass handed to her. Frankly, that should have happened if she'd worn it to Lincoln Center, too. Anyway, Maureen nosily asks where they're going, and Jody cheerily spills that they're taking Erik out for his birthday. Maureen, slightly wounded, chokes out a wish for them to have fun. Eva starts shaking her head even before Jody can look at her, but Jody ignores her anyway and blurts, "Do you want to come?" Maureen rudely asks if she can bring Jim, and Eva grins, "Sure! Bring your mom as well, okay?" Hee. It's not a great line, but Eva still rules, because seriously, shut up Maureen, and shut up absent Jim. Jody lets out a defeated little chuckle and hurries out after Eva.

In case you're not sure what we're supposed to learn from this montage, the soundtrack is happy to fill you in: "We'll be frieeeeeeeends forever!" Check. Mrs. Cummings is crossing some cement walkway (I don't know) to ABA when she hears noises below and heads to a railing to see the kids getting into a very tacky white limousine. She sees Maureen chastely holding hands with and then pecking Jim, and looks concerned.

The limo drives through Times Square with Eva, Jody, Charlie, and Erik hanging clichédly out the sunroof. None of them gets decapitated by a passing, out-of-control cherry-picker.

Ferry. Charlie brings a box of donuts to the group, where everyone is rocking those green foam Statue of Liberty visor-y things. Eva makes a big show of bitching about how bad donuts are for you, as she lights her cigarette. Irony! Get it? Oh, and the limo driver has joined the balletists on the ferry, probably because Eva induced them all to keep it real. They all pose with their donuts for a photo.

Below deck, Jody uses a railing as an impromptu barre, and practises her turnout. That girl has got some big thigh muscles. Charlie rolls up with coffee, noting, "You never stop, do you?" Jody fishes for some more compliments by reiterating the shit Jonathan was giving her about her crappy body and technique. That was an hour ago, bitch, live in the now! Charlie duly puts a compliment on the line, telling her how great she looked in rehearsal. Jody, scandalized, comments that Cooper's ballet is "so not ABC." Charlie asks if she's saying she doesn't like it, and Jody scoffs, "Who cares what I like? That [fucking] workshop is about what Jonathan likes." Charlie squints, "Is getting into the company really all that matters to you?" Jody stares for a second, and then explains that it's different for Charlie because everyone at ABA loves him. Charlie opines that Jody needs to "take some time away from all this." That's great advice, golden boy. Now shut up and take your shirt off. Jody says that's the last thing she needs. Charlie segues, "We could go out some time." Jody looks stricken before asking, "Like...a date?" Charlie clarifies that a date is what he meant. Jody looks sad, before naïvely explaining that, while Charlie's offer is "sweet," she's "kind of seeing someone." Um, yeah -- these days Charlie is seeing about as much of him as you are, so that is pathetic. But Jody doesn't realize that her "relationship" with Cooper is long over, because she's naïve. Charlie gets embarrassed and says he didn't realize. Jody falls all over herself over-explaining that her fake relationship is "new" and that she didn't want to ruin it by talking about it a lot and it exists only in her own head and so forth. Charlie tries to save face by agreeing with her, and sips his coffee very bitterly.

Elsewhere, Eva and Emily gossip on some stairs. Jim comes upon them and asks if they've seen Maureen. Eva deadpans that she threw Maureen overboard. Good one?

Jim wanders around and finally stops outside a ladies' room; we can hear puking sounds coming from within. After a moment, Maureen emerges. At Jim's questioning, she says she's just seasick. Yeah, "sick" of "sea"-ing imaginary fat rolls hanging over her waistband. (Sorry. I don't know why I turned into Phyllis Diller just then.) Jim acts like he buys it.

Cooper's ballet rehearsal. Erik and Jody are doing that move we saw Cooper demo-ing on Jody five or so scenes ago. Cooper doesn't like what he sees, and informs Erik that it's "about sex." Then Cooper makes the tactical error of demonstrating it on Jody, instead of putting himself in the Jody role for Erik to practise with, since we all know that Erik would grasp it better under those circumstances. He's ABA's token gay ballet dancer, remember? Jody smiles at Cooper all coy as he flings her around, and looks like she might have just had a tiny orgasm based on that alone. Taking note of her ecstatic expression over Cooper's shoulder is Charlie, who figures out that Cooper is Jody's secret swain. (So secret that Cooper doesn't even know it, blah blah, I know you get it.) Charlie looks all surly, and also all sleeveless. Thus kicks off a balletic showdown between Cooper and Charlie over who can do the bigger, showier, show-off-ier move to impress Jody, as though she has eyes for anyone but Cooper. It keeps getting bigger and bigger (and a disconcerting number of Cooper's moves end with him on his knees, slowly raising his arm as he points, which just is not cool), until finally Cooper does a move Charlie can't copy and Charlie's all pouty, "I can work on it." Poor Charlie. Shut up, Cooper, and go clean off your runny eyeliner, GOD!

Jonathan's ballet. Jonathan barks at everyone, finally bitching to Maureen, "Wake up! Where's your focus? You'll be on stage in less than a month! How do you expect three thousand people to watch you raise your arm if you don't do it beautifully?!" I don't really care how beautifully she does it; there better be more to this shit than Maureen raising her arm, or there's going to be a ballet riot to make soccer hooligans look like...ballet enthusiasts. Maureen does look extremely wan. Juliette watches her, looking concerned.

ABC. Jody marches into Lincoln Center to watch Cooper doing this incredibly queer dance as a tin soldier. This is apparently a real dance choreographed by George Balanchine and everything, but man...it is pretty lame. It's a lot of just hopping in place and saluting, and I'm not saying I could do it, but I'm not saying I'd want to watch it, either. Jody somehow manages to get to the wings, from which she watches Cooper adoringly. God, Jody, get a life. After a minute or so, Kathleen comes out to do her bit and Cooper marches into the wings.

As soon as his ass isn't visible from the audience, Cooper drops his big fake ballet smile and adopts bitchface instead, cleaning the sweat off his face with a handful of Kleenexes. Jody stands there expectantly but it takes him a few seconds even to acknowledge that she's there; when he does, it's to ask her brusquely, "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to surprise you!" Jody coos. Oh, Jody. She doesn't shut up, though: "You looked amazing out there. Those pirouettes were amazing! Amazing and tiring, huh?" Cooper totally turns his back on her and watches Kathleen for his cue. He marches back out, and they salute each other before Kathleen scurries offstage and makes for the Kleenexes. Jody, her adoration undimmed, watches Cooper through the haze of her own lust, and if this tin soldier crap is what gets Jody off, maybe Charlie should try wooing her with a big collectible nutcracker. Kathleen notices Jody there and makes that amused, pitying face again, because really, what else could one do when one sees Jody standing there like that, all naïve and dumb? But she makes as though she doesn't recognize Jody as the girl from the hall with the cookies and asks, "Friend of Cooper's?" "Kind of," Jody chuckles meaningfully. Kathleen grins at Jody's stupidity and hops away. Cooper dances some more. This ballet is so weird. There isn't even a set! Anyway, Kathleen comes back out and they duet and...okay, here's another instance where I wish I could convey in words what they're doing. The move they keep repeating is that Cooper puts his hands on Kathleen's waist and kind of spins her, and then he leaps backward and leans way back and throws his arms in front of himself as if he's framing her for a photo, or just presenting her to the audience, in this big "ta-da!" move. Except he only holds the move for, literally, a second, before going back in to spin her again, so it's like "Dance dance, spin spin spin, lean, ta-da!" all in the space of two bars of music, and the "ta-da!" would be weird even if he were holding it for, you know, one entire phrase of music or something, but with how fast the choreography goes, it's like an afterthought, and...if you haven't seen the movie, just trust me: it's queer. So they dance it up, and do their big finale, and come out to take their bows. In the wings, Jody goes fucking nuts. As she turns in their bows to acknowledge Cooper, Kathleen spots Jody and, without breaking her smile or moving her lips, giggles at Cooper, "You are in big trouble." Cooper -- less ventriloquistically -- defensively says, "She's in my ballet." Kathleen scoffs, "Please. She's a heartbeat away from tattooing your name on her ass." Good one, Kathleen! It's funny because it's true. Cooper, looking alarmed, glances into the wings at Jody, who is seriously losing her shit as she applauds. Awesome.

After the show, Jody waits outside for Cooper to emerge. Which he does, presently, with some dull-looking ballet groupie. Cooper throws his arm around her just as she asks, "Where are we going?" "Goodnight," he tosses back at Jody distractedly. Jody deflates. I think we'll all find she just grew up a little in that moment. THANK GOD.

Street. Mrs. Cummings comes out of a make-up store and literally runs right into Juliette. Mrs. Cummings makes small talk, and then Juliette asks if Maureen is feeling better. Mrs. Cummings has no clue what Juliette is talking about, so she explains that Maureen had told her she thought she was coming down with something. Mrs. Cummings fronts, all, "Oh, right. That. Sure." It's all coming apart for poor Maureen.

In the hall at ABA, Jonathan runs into Joan, the rich old widow he had wanted Cooper to kiss up to about a billion pages of this recap ago. He asks what she's doing there, and she says Cooper invited her. Jonathan is not happy that Cooper's snaked him out of a patroness.

While Joan looks on excitedly, Cooper tries to rally his extremely disillusioned troops. Even Erik, and I have no idea what Cooper did to piss him off. Cooper demos what he wants, and then points Jody to the spot where he wants her. After a long beat, she scowls, "Yesterday I was stage left." Cooper tells her she'll be stage right today. "What am I going to be tomorrow?" Jody snarks, languidly taking her place. "Excuse me?" Cooper spits. Jody: "Well, I mean, you keep changing your mind. It's kind of hard to keep track." You guys, I don't think they're talking about ballet anymore. Cooper dicks, "It's not that complicated. I want what I say I want when I say I want it. You got a problem with that?" Jody tests her boundaries by challenging back, "Yeah, maybe I do. What about what I want?" Cooper stomps up to her and hisses at her, so that Joan can't hear, "I don't give a shit what you want. You're a dancer, period. Do what I want! If you're not going to do that, then what the hell are you doing here?" Oh, Jody didn't think that would happen. Her face crumples and she takes off out of the room, crying. Cooper chuckles at Joan, "I'm afraid that's how ballets get made." Joan eats it up, saying it's "all very dramatic." Charlie gets up and, without a word, heads out after Jody. Charlie is nice. Also nice? Charlie's bare arms.

In the hall, Jody turns away and whines at him not to look at her, because she's too embarrassed. Charlie says, "You were saying how you felt. What's embarrassing about that?" Um. That line is meaningless and makes no sense, and this shot is too tight for me to see Charlie's naked arms. I am disgusted all around. Jody sighs, "How a dancer feels doesn't matter to a choreographer." Charlie agrees, "No, but how a woman feels should matter to the guy she's seeing." Man, Charlie isn't even believable saying the word "woman," never mind coming on to one. But he's cute. Jody looks even more humiliated that Charlie figured out her relationship with Cooper -- even given her incredibly discreet behaviour with him! -- and asks if he thinks she's "an idiot" for getting involved with Cooper. Maybe he would if you had, but you didn't. Charlie nice-guys that Cooper is the idiot, for not treating Jody well. Come on, now. They're both idiots. Charlie tells her to come back in. Jody says she can't: "I'm all splotchy! I feel --" "So use it," says Charlie. "Whatever you feel, just dance it." Then he lies that she isn't splotchy. She clearly is, so this is how we can really tell he's in loooooooove. Jody wipes her face and they head back in.

Oh my God, they came back in just in time: Cooper was just about to rehearse the understudies! Thank God that didn't have to happen. Jody apologizes for her tantrum, and says she's ready now. Hee, Jody's understudy gives her this totally hilarious "Whatever, princess" look. It would suck to be her understudy. Then Jody dances. It's pretty cool. And she's dancing it all for Charlie, not Cooper. Get it?

A bunch of students are shooting the shit in the hall when Mrs. Cummings shows up to grab Maureen by the arm and manhandle her into Mrs. Cummings's office. She proceeds to give Maureen shit for half-assing it in class to the extent that Juliette was forced to find Mrs. Cummings on the street to check up after Maureen's health. All the students drift down the hall to spy on their fight. Hee. Mrs. Cummings chalks it all up to Jim: "You should ask yourself, what's this boy doing to your dancing?" Oh man, is she actually having so much sex that Jim's made her dance funny? (Sorry again. Now I'm Margaret Cho. And that's even worse than Phyllis Diller.)

Rehearsal for Jonathan's ballet. Dancy dance dance. Jonathan gives Maureen shit for "mak[ing] it look like work," adding, "I need to see the movement, not the effort behind it." And then, he calls for Emily to come see him in his office. Uh oh, y'all. He's about to take Fatty out behind Lincoln Center and shoot her.

Sure enough: moments later, Maureen, Jody, and Eva are running down the stairs trying to catch up with a sobbing Emily as she loads all her earthly belongings into a car and prepares to take off with her mom to Nefatska, or wherever she's from. Jody decides to put salt in Emily's wounds by asking what exactly Jonathan said. What is she expecting to hear? "I don't want to see that big back yard in tights anymore, Ruben"? Emily: "He told me I couldn't be in the [fucking] workshop. He told me I don't take enough pride in my body. He just thinks I'm too fat." Emily's mother ("Emily's Mother," Marcia Jean Kurtz: "Everybody's Favorite Bagman"; "Indifference" (ooh, that was a good one); "Collision"; SVU: "Careless") leaps to Emily's defense, yelping, "God, I could kill that man. You're not fat! You're beautiful!" Maureen, aghast, asks, "You're leaving? For good?" Whatever, bitch, all you ever did was dog her fat ass out to your mother. Emily says she is, and that her mother thinks it's best. Mrs. Emily concurs: "Dancing used to make her happy, and it doesn't anymore, so we have had enough." The camera pans across the faces of our three less tubby ballerinas as Mrs. Emily continues: "I want you girls to promise me you won't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself [sic], okay? You're perfect the way God made you." Emily and her mother leave. It's sad.

Night. Jim's dorm room. Ew, Jim has a Jules and Jim poster on his wall. SHUT UP, JIM. He wakes up to hear familiar barfing noises coming from the down the hall, and moments later is standing outside the bathroom door when Maureen opens it; at the sight of him, Maureen looks pre-emptively disgusted and defensive. Before she can say anything, Jim starts in on her, saying he knows he's not a doctor yet, but that he does know what she's doing is dangerous, blah blah, as though that makes him any more of an expert on the subject of eating disorders than anyone who's ever read YM. She tries to say she wasn't feeling well, but he doesn't believe her this time. Maureen is not having one bit of it and starts angrily getting dressed, sarcastically asking what he knows. He says he knows that no goal is worth endangering her health for, and she shoots back that maybe her goal is more demanding than his. Jim is actually right for once when he points out, "Medicine is plenty demanding, thank you, but I am not about to start hurting myself for it." Maureen denies that she's hurting herself: "I am making decisions and sacrifices for what I want!" He picks at her some more, and she spits, "I don't need this! Not from you!" She starts to stomp out but he tries to stop her at the door and beg her not to take off in the middle of the night. Maureen wriggles away. Jim insists that he doesn't want to drive her off; he just wants to help. Maureen says that she doesn't need his help, and then gets off possibly her awesomest, bitchiest line in the whole movie: "I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. Who the hell are you? Nobody!"

Juliette happens upon Eva practising alone at night at the barre. They share a moment. Aw, I guess.

Lincoln Center. Dress rehearsal for the fucking workshop. Jonathan is on stage, setting up for his ballet. In the seats, Charlie hurries in to find Jody, and shows her a newspaper with the listing for Cooper's ballet. They exclaim over it, loudly and rudely and with no regard for everyone on the stage. Jonathan priggishly yells at them that this is a rehearsal, "not a social hour" (okay, grandpa), and Jody and Charlie slink down behind the paper, squealing somewhat more quietly over it. Cooper stomps in, all in black (because he means business now, yo), and curtly asks them if they've warmed up. They have.

Jody, Erik, and Charlie rehearse on stage, as Cooper's extremely limber assistant counts them off. In the seats, Jonathan bitches at Cooper that they "don't invite press to [the fucking] workshop." Cooper says he didn't invite anyone. Jonathan says that Nancy says every ballet reporter in town (wow, all three?) has called, and all they want to know about is Cooper's ballet. Cooper shrugs, "Hey, if there's interest, that's great, but other than that --" "Bullshit," Jonathan rightly calls. He asks what Cooper's up to, "phoning press, kissing Joan Miller's ass?" He says that Joan hasn't shown any interest in ABA since she started spending time with Cooper. Cooper disingenuously snips, "Well, what do you know. Looks like I got the girl this time." Whatever, tool. On stage, Erik suddenly falls. (I blame his weirdly wide-legged balletin' pants; my guess is he tripped on his hem.) Cooper and Jonathan leap up out of their seats, and on stage everyone crowds around Erik. It sounds like he's really badly hurt. As soon as Cooper gets to him, Erik sobs, "I'm so sorry."

Outside, Cooper smokes. Meaningfully. Jonathan comes out and tells him he'd "better start rehearsing [Erik's] understudy." "Start"? The whole point of an understudy is that he be ready in case of an emergency! You don't start rehearsing him when you're already at the dress-rehearsal stage! God, didn't whoever wrote this ever have anything to do with a damn high-school play? Whatever: Cooper lies that the understudy isn't ready and that Cooper himself will have to perform Erik's part. Preposterous. Jonathan reminds Cooper that the workshop is for students. Cooper asses, "If you want your students to dance my ballet tomorrow [TOMORROW?!], they're going to have to dance it with me. Otherwise I'm pulling it." Wow, how incredibly arrogant and selfish and what a dick move to pull on the students who are counting on this (fucking) showcase to further their careers. Cooper sucks!

Jim's dorm. Maureen shows up all crying and tells Jim about Erik's accident: "And do you know the first thing I thought when I saw him go down?...'I wish that was [sic] me.' So that made me think, you know, because that's not a normal reaction: How much of what you liked about me was because I was a ballet dancer, and how much because it was me?" Has Jim even seen her dance, ever? I doubt he gives a shit that she's a ballerina, except that it probably means she's limber in bed. I'm sure he wouldn't care if she gave up ballet and took up, like, yoga.

Dorm room. Jody's saying she can't dance with Cooper because she hates him now. Except she says it's because he's "the best dancer in the world." Whateeeeeever. Eva tells her to chill, and that she'll be fine. Jody says the workshop was going to be her chance to show Jonathan she doesn't suck, but that dancing with Cooper will make her look like "a total amateur" by comparison. Not to mention that Jonathan hates Cooper, so that even if dancing with Cooper raises her game, he might still hold it against her. The door opens, and both girls turn to Maureen to ask where she's been. Instead of answering, she asks how Erik is. Eva: "Well, he can't dance tomorrow. How would you be?" "Relieved," Maureen admits. Eva keeps it real, sarcastically noting, "Right. They think the sun shines out of your ass, so you'd probably still make the company." "Just my luck," Maureen snots. Shut up, Maureen. Although, not really, because at least she puts her money where her mouth is on this one. "I'd kill for your luck," Jody effuses, adding that all she's ever wanted is to be in ABC. Eva reminds them that there are three spots available tomorrow, so if Jody and Maureen would just shut up and go to bed, they could get two of them. "You're welcome to my place," Maureen foreshadows. (Oops!) Eva says she screwed up her chances at getting into ABC "back in September." "Eva," Jody whines, but doesn't deny it, because she can't. Eva continues: "But I started dancing long before this stupid [fucking] workshop, and I'm going to keep on dancing long after it. So tomorrow is one more day I get to dance." "Tomorrow is when they decide the rest of my life," Jody says, and if Maureen would just say what "tomorrow is" for her, they'd have a great lead-in to a big musical number. But nay; Eva says, "I'm not dancing for them anymore. I'm dancing for me." She tells them all to go to sleep. And they do, finally.

The day, Erik crutches up to Lincoln Center, where he runs into Mrs. Cummings outside, as she hands out programs. She fake-solicitously asks how he is, and he says he has to stay off his foot for six weeks: "Just long enough to ruin my entire career." He crutches in bitterly. Mrs. Cummings sort of glances at him as he goes in, but then shortly resumes insincerely welcoming people. Heh.

Dressing room. Girls get made up. They get the half-hour call. Maureen -- apparently not getting ready at all, which is odd, don't you think? -- leans over Eva's shoulder and tells her something we can't hear. Eva smiles and nods.

Backstage, Anna and several of her "Italian Symphony" minions sneak out to look at the arriving crowd. Then, having freaked themselves out, they take off again.

Anna et al warm up. Jonathan and Juliette wander among them, greeting them superficially. "There's only room for three of us in the company?" some random asks Juliette. Knowing that this chick we've never even seen before has no shot, Juliette advises her, "Don't even think about it." Juliette kisses her on the cheek and takes off with Jonathan.

Outside, the conductor arrives. The Italian Symphonettes kick it.

Jody, all made up and coiffed, is sitting on a staircase backstage when Cooper finds her and starts giving her last-minute notes. She nicely tells him to shut the fuck up and quit making her nervous. He apologizes, but stresses that he wants everything to be perfect. Then he decides it would be a good idea to mindfuck her some more, and he gently strokes her cheek as he tells her she's going to be great. She doesn't answer. Then he gets up to go and we see that Charlie's been there the entire time, watching them. Cooper's all jocular, "See you out there?" and Charlie replies, with barely repressed rage, "See you!" Hee. I can't convey it, but he was actually convincingly sarcastic, for once. Charlie goes to Jody and tells her to forget Cooper: "Just dance it like you feel it!" "Easy as that, huh?" says Jody, before taking off. Shut up, Jody. You don't deserve his gay ass.

"Italian Symphony" wraps up. In the wings, Anna asks nobody in particular, "Did you see how on I was tonight?" The dancers for Jonathan's ballet -- including Sergei, whom we haven't seen one inch of in like forty minutes -- get ready to go on.

In the audience, the receptionist and Jonathan's assistant wish Mrs. Cummings good luck on Maureen's upcoming performance. Weird, but okay.

Jonathan's ballet kicks off. The corps do their thing. Sergei walks up the line toward Maureen, but when he gets to the end of the line it's...huh? It's Eva. Sergei rolls with it. Maureen is nowhere around. In the audience, Jonathan asks Juliette where Maureen is. The receptionist tells an absolutely gobsmacked Mrs. Cummings that she thought Maureen had this role. Sergei and Eva dance. The receptionist checks the program and stupidly confirms that Maureen's name is, in fact, there as the soloist, as if this whole thing is just a clerical error. Oh, and in the long shots, the dancing doubles for Sergei and Eva look nothing like them. Sergei's double looks like James van der Beek, and Eva's looks like Serena Williams. But it's Eva and Sergei, really. Play along. Jonathan squirms in his seat. Kathleen looks bored. Juliette looks like she can't believe Eva's audacity, but is still pretty impressed. Needless to say, Eva is awesome.

Mrs. Cummings is dumb with shock, and stomps out of the hall, to the lobby. Maureen is waiting and calls out to Mrs. Cummings, who asks what's wrong, and whether Maureen is ill. Maureen says she's fine. Mrs. Cummings shows her true colours by getting instantly irate and demanding, "Then why is that trash out there dancing your part?" Maureen calmly tells Mrs. Cummings, "Because I wanted her to. She's not trash." Mrs. Cummings blathers that she doesn't know how to respond to this turn of events. Maureen suggests that her mother could ask her why Maureen isn't dancing it herself. Mrs. Cummings hysterically asks why. Maureen: "Because I don't want to be a ballet dancer." Mrs. Cummings insists that Maureen has, in fact, always wanted exactly that. Maureen chuckles mirthlessly and replies, "No, Mom, if this were what I wanted, I wouldn't be as unhappy as I've been. I'd have friends, I'd sleep well. I wouldn't throw up half the things that I eat." Mrs. Cummings shows how badly she's lost touch with reality by shooting back, "You watch your weight. There's nothing wrong with that." Maureen begs, "Don't you hear me? I'm telling you I'm unhappy and sick! I can't do this anymore! Don't you care about me!" Mrs. Cummings says that of course she cares, but that ballet is Maureen's dream: "Don't just throw away your dream!" Maureen says that ballet was always Mrs. Cummings's dream: "And it matters more to you than anything mattered to me, so I did it, but I can't anymore!" Mrs. Cummings says it's not that she doesn't care about Maureen's feelings: "I know what regret feels like, and I don't want that for you. I know what it is to look back and wish." Maureen explains that pursuing ballet would mean a life of regret for her: "A life of wishing that I found something I really loved, instead of something I just happened to do well. I'm not you, Mom! You didn't have the feet; I don't have the heart." Mrs. Cummings backs away in horror like Maureen's just told her she's a werewolf or something. Maureen turns on her heel and walks away primly as Mrs. Cummings doubles over and sobs. You guys? It's just ballet.

Inside the hall, Jonathan's ballet continues. Juliette is enthralled. Jonathan looks like he doesn't know how to feel. Kathleen looks impressed, finally. Oh, sweet, wordless dancing. Never stop. Never stop! Really, nothing that noteworthy happens; it's pretty much what you probably think of when you think of ballet -- leaping, mincing, etc. It ends. The crowd goes wild. Jonathan is pleased despite himself. Curtain call. Everyone's happy and sweaty. Erik goes nuts in the audience. Hee. Someone leans forward and tells Jonathan it was beautiful. "She was fantastic!" Juliette enthuses. "She was okay," Kathleen bitchily understates. Jonathan: "Well, brace yourselves for what's ." Has he...ever seen Cooper's ballet performed? I'm thinking no. But, I concur with the "brace yourselves" sentiment. I will try to do justice to how incredibly preposterous it all is. (If you have the DVD and want to skip right to the best part: 1:33:14.)

The curtain rises. There are thirteen perfect ballerinas on stage (one of whom is Jody), all in white leotards and tutus and the whole bit. Off to the right of the stage (probably stage left, but right to the audience) is Charlie, counting off as the ballerinas execute a series of poses and then start dancing. Once they start their dance, Charlie walks among them and pauses at Jody, leaning appreciatively into her face; she smiles. Cut to the audience, who start a general "ruzzuh ruzzuh this isn't ABC material" ruzzuh. Charlie is inspecting the troops when, and I swear I am not making up ANY PART of this, Cooper roars onto the stage. On his motorcycle. We are to believe he has a motorcycle on the stage at Lincoln Center. Preposterous. And he's in black jeans (no), a black buttondown shirt, all undone (no), and a scoop-necked black tank top (oh hell no). Once he appears, the music changes from some classical piece that I should recognize but don't (I want to say it's from "The Nutcracker Suite"?) to "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson. The crowd is totally won over. Because you know what gets an audience on your side? Playing the work of an alleged pedophile.

Okay, so Cooper, looking all damn smug, drives his hog in circles around the dancers for a while and then dismounts by putting all his weight onto his arms and kicking his legs vertically in the air. Then he starts his usual thing -- twirling, leaping, showing off, and showing a lot more of his bare chest than I care to see. He heads right over to Jody, who's now in the front of the pack of ballerinas, and picks her up. When he sets her down, he grabs the end of her tutu and hangs on while she twirls off; as she goes, the whole thing unravels and we see that beneath her white get-up, she's wearing some mottled red leotard with a little short, black skirt. Because we're supposed to think that, beneath "Kathleen"'s prim surface, she was really a wild, untamed, coloured-underwear-sporting supahfreak. So then Jody starts running away from Cooper (I feel her), darting in and out of the rows of dancers, but Cooper will not be denied, and keeps finding her! And once he grabs her, picks her up by the arm, and presses her body against his, he's won her over -- just like in real life. Charlie (as "Jonathan," of course), through all this, stands by impotently and just watches Cooper disrupt his class and molest his dancer. So, now Cooper and Jody are dancing a duet, while all the other dancers in the class -- none of whom I recall ever seeing in any rehearsal -- are still going through their routine in the background. Jody and Cooper are very good together, I have to admit. Oh, suddenly Cooper's all alone in the middle of the stage. I forget, does he intend to get a job out of this (fucking) workshop? Shut up, Cooper. Dance, dance, dance. Cooper dances Jody over to his hog and sets her on it, in a move that requires her to do the splits in the audience's face. Yeah, that's what I like to see when I go out to a nice afternoon at the ballet: a dancer's black crotch over her white tights. Thanks, Coop. Cooper fires up the hog and takes off with Jody perched behind him, and Charlie looking on uselessly. As the motorcycle crosses the stage, Jody flicks her head slightly, and her incredibly tight bun -- which not only is incredibly tight but has a little mesh cap over it -- just flies off of its own volition, freeing her hair, which blows around loose. Say it with me: preposterous. The crowd goes wild. Except the actual Jonathan and Kathleen, who roll their eyes at each other. Kathleen in particular seems to be chewing out the inside of her cheeks.

Okay, so now the Michael Jackson starts to give way to something else on the soundtrack, and suddenly there's a bed onstage that looks suspiciously like Cooper's actual bed, and behind it a big metal grid that looks an awful lot like the window at Cooper's loft, in front of a projected slide of a bridge that looks very much like the bridge they crossed to get to his place, many many many pages ago. Damn, this guy really just has no imagination at all. And Cooper's taking off his shirt, which...no. And Jody's crawling onto the bed and looking all expectant. And then Cooper is dance-seducing her in the most unsexy way possible, and Jody unsnaps her leotard and then she's just plain in her panties and bra and Cooper is lying on top of her and...heh, this is funny: the DVD player on my computer just editorialized by crashing at that point. I do not blame you, Windows Media Player. Anyway, then they're just having ballet sex, and I don't know how good Jody's parents seats are but I'm sure they're getting an eyeful of this and that they're so, so proud. Cut to Jonathan and Kathleen, looking uncomfortable. Well, Kathleen may have the tiniest smile playing on her lips. It's dark. It's hard to tell. Plus she's super-WASPy, so showing emotion does not come easily to her.

movement. Less than five seconds after the ballet sex. It's another ballet class. The backup ballerinas are now all in black leotards with white belts (don't approve of that), and are being led at the barre by Charlie. Jody comes running in, late. She's in the same costume the other dancers have on (maybe she could have done that in less than five seconds) and has her hair back up in a bun again (no effing way). It's preposterous. So she takes her place at the end of the barre, only she's facing the opposite way the rest of the dancers are! Comedy. She leans over and bumps asses with another ballerina! Oh my! Charlie comes down to the end of the barre to give her hell -- or so we think. He turns out to be nice to her instead, taking her off the barre and stroking her cheek and generally being gentle and kind. And then in stomps Cooper -- in black leather pants now (good lord, NO) -- and he's all jealous and pissed off at Charlie, and they start shoving each other, and then they punch and kick each other, and Cooper gets Charlie down on the ground (which I'll bet was his favourite part of this whole business) and starts punching him, and Jody comes over to try to get Cooper off Charlie, but one of Cooper's punches goes wild and he hits her in the face! This stops them both dead. Jody takes off. The audience can't wait to see what will happen ! It's like a telenovela!

Maybe eight seconds go by. There's a whole new set now, including a huge backdrop showing a photo of a typical New York street, and one of those little fency-railing-y things that you see at the top of a subway station. From which, seriously, like fifty extras start spilling out, doing nothing but walking back and forth in the background. Now, are we to think that Cooper recruited these students to be in this part of the ballet, and, like, kept them from being in the other ballets just to do this bullshit background crap, like that was going to get any of them post-ABA work? Or are they supposed to be extras that he borrowed from the other two ballets? What...where...who...preposterous. So now the music is some generic R&B slow jam. Jody emerges from the subway and heads toward the front of the stage. Now her hair is down (maybe) and curly (no), and she's in a blue dress (sure) and her eye's made up to look like it's been blackened (that couldn't happen in the time she's been offstage). Pre. Pos. Terous. So she's all sad, and then Charlie comes up out of nowhere. She looks at him sadly. He spots her black eye. R&B slow jam: "I see the way he treats yoooooou!" Charlie starts dancing a duet with Jody and is, again, all nice and gentle and not in leather pants, so clearly we're meant to like him more. And I do like him more, whether I'm comparing him to Actual Cooper or to Ballet Cooper, and whether I'm thinking of him as Charlie or as Ballet Jonathan. My point is this: Cooper sucks. R&B slow jam: "I feel the tears you've cried!" Charlie starts dancing for Jody, who just stands there with her arms crossed, watching. R&B slow jam: "And it makes me sad, and it makes me mad. There's nothing I can do, bay-beeeeeh. 'Cause your lover is my best friend, and I guess that is where the story ends." Charlie winds up his little demonstration and leans in to Jody like he's going to kiss her. R&BSJ: "So I gotta try to keep it inside -- it'll never be, never be right!" Instead, he just touches her forehead with his and takes her hands, and they start to dance together. R&BSJ: "If I was [sic] the one that was loving you, baby, the only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy! If I was [sic] by your side, you'd never know what lonely night!" You get the gist. More evidence of Cooper's total lack of imagination. Jody and Charlie dance on.

Then, once again, Cooper shows up out of fucking nowhere -- still in his leather pants, so I don't know why he's offstage for such long stretches at a time; it's clearly not for costume changes -- and scoops up Jody away from Charlie. They dance together for a few bars, and then Cooper sets her down and...shows he learned the wrong things from that tin soldier crap because he does some normal dance moves and then sort of stops dead on the spot and goes into these incredibly weird movements that just make it look like he's having a violent seizure. He picks Jody up, pulls her close, swings her around, and then lets her go to have another convulsion, and, hee, she just keeps backing away from him because she doesn't have a wallet or a wooden spoon to stick in his mouth. What the HELL is with that move, people?! Anyway, as Cooper's doing all these stupid moves alone, Charlie comes over and taps Jody on the shoulder and she starts doing a pas de deux with him, leaving Cooper alone and looking foolish. Cooper can't let her go, and he shows up to grab her free hand. And, pas de trois with the two of them passing Jody back and forth some more. The movement ends with the two dudes standing on either side of Jody and literally pulling her back and forth, like, we got that from the DANCE, you didn't have to SPELL IT OUT for us, good God!

And, finale. At this point, you just have to accept that the movie is not adhering to its own internal logic, because in one instant you have Jody leaning over in her blue dress with her hair down, the New York backdrop behind her, and in the very second, no time has passed, and she is still standing between Cooper and Charlie, only NOW she's fully in a bright red leotard/dress thing, with red ballet slippers, and sparkly bright red lipstick, and her hair is done up with corn rows and trailing ringlets and like a million red ribbons dangling down and, FINE, movie, I'll stop trying to impose the laws of time and space and matter on you. Uncle! So Jody, evidently sick of the tug-of-war they're playing with her, shoves them both away and starts doing a solo dance of sexual independence. (Hence all the red, duh!) The crowd goes crazy! The guys keep trying to get close but she keeps pushing them away. Oh, and the music is all, "Dance!...Got candy in my heels tonight, baby!" Because all this guy stuff comes and goes, and all you have left at the end of the day is Dance! A few ballerinas come out to back Jody up, and then a few more. The guys both leap out of the wings with these big fancy moves, landing at Jody's feet, and the camera comes in close on her face as she leans down at them and mouths them a big fat "no." They can't handle it! Now that she doesn't want either of them, they both want her even more! All that's left is for them to give up on her and start making out with each other! (Hey, if it works in artsy Mexican near-porn, it can work here.) Jody and the Pips dance the dudes right off the stage. The guys come back, and she dances off away from them again, until they're all dancing in unison and it looks pretty cool. The backup dancers take off, and then Jody drops out of the frame, and then I'm not even going to question how it happens that in one second Cooper and Charlie are looking down at her, and then instantly Jody pops up, on pointe, in a big Rockettes-style chorus line with all the backup dancers we've seen and then some. Seriously, I have the scene paused and I count fourteen dancers there with Jody. From where? Who knows. And would it look so cool for them all to assemble on the ground, fully visible to the audience, and then pop up out of their squats that the crowd would start spontaneously applauding? Well, I wouldn't know, because I don't live in the same world where these sorts of instantaneous physical feats are possible. So, the chorus line rocks, and then Jody pops out and starts dancing solo. Behind the line of backup dancers, Charlie and Cooper keep trying to jump up and spot Jody, but they can't until the chorus line breaks up into diagonals and then Cooper and Charlie weave through them to get near Jody again. Pas de trois. And then the backup ballerinas fall into two tableaux, each with a guy in front reaching out to Jody, who just starts twirling like there's no tomorrow. "Dance! Dance! Dance!" the music repeats. And Jody does. For a while. Like...a while. Until the curtain finally falls, and I don't have to try to recap dancing anymore.

I have to say, as literal and unimaginative as the staging was in all that, the dancing was pretty cool. And Amanda Schull never looks more like Jennie Garth than when she's wearing red lipstick.

So, the curtain having fallen, everyone crowds around Jody to congratulate her. There's a curtain call. The entire corps of like fifty dancers take their bows. Then, just Jody and the lads. We get it. It's a triumph. Let's move on, movie! Joan goes nuts. Everyone is on their feet except a very sour-looking Jonathan and Kathleen, who finally realize they need to stand, too, in order not to look like assholes. Although I don't know what they're pissed off about (oh, other than that Cooper mined their personal lives for the raw material that made up his incredibly obvious ballet): even in dance form, it was clear that Kathleen and Jonathan were the better couple, and that Cooper is a self-involved, motorcycle-driving ass. They should at least be happy that he knows that.

And now it seems like everyone who had anything to do with the (fucking) workshop is on stage behind the curtain, congratulating each other. Sergei is mildly giving Eva shit for her deception, and she's smilingly protesting that she wanted to tell him. Joan navigates her way through the crush to Cooper, who's still with Charlie and Jody. She congratulates all of them and takes off with Cooper. Charlie scoops Jody up in his arms and they giggle excitedly. Elsewhere, Jonathan's assistant tells him she has a rehearsal room set up, and asks if he wants to see the boys first, or the girls. Girls, he says, and excuses himself. Joan and Cooper are deep in conversation.

In the dressing room, everyone is still shocked about the Eva/Maureen switcheroo; Eva insists that it was Maureen's idea. Some girl we've never seen comes out in a robe, bawling. She didn't get into ABC, of course. Everyone is sad for her. And then Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer have found their way to the dressing room and Jody, who hugs them. Jody acts like she wasn't expecting to see them there, which...weird. Why wouldn't her parents come to the big (fucking) workshop? In this very off-putting and creepy voice, Mr. Sawyer says that Cooper's ballet was "the most fantastic thing [he's] ever seen." Even the part where she simulated sex? Uh, okay, Joe Simpson. Mrs. Sawyer, less convincingly, agrees that it was "great." Jody beams that she'd convinced herself that she didn't need to hear that anymore. All of a sudden, their nice/creepy family moment is interrupted by the shrieking of Anna, who is celebrating because she made it into ABC. Jody hugs her and takes off with her, completely ignoring her parents, who are still holding the roses they've brought her and ineffectually call after her, "We'll see you after, at the dorm?" Weird conclusion to that scene. Jody's got The Dahnce now, so she no longer needs parents? I don't know.

As Jody's parents hustle out of there, Jonathan's assistant appears and calls for Eva. There's a general "ooooooh" from the group; a couple of girls (including Jody) look worried for Eva, but Anna looks smug that Eva probably fucked her own chances by filling in for Maureen the way she did. (Now that Maureen's gone, Anna has to be The Bitch, I guess.)

In the rehearsal room, Jonathan gives Eva shit for being "completely disrespectful." "I'm sorry," says Eva. "Yeah," says Jonathan. He's so not threatening. Eva: "Oh, actually, I'm not, because that was the best time I ever had in my life. Jesus! That's a great ballet, Jonathan, you know that?" Jonathan looks equally surprised and mollified by Eva's outburst and murmurs, "Thank you." Hee. "And you were great in it," he allows. "And I'd like to have you as a member of the company. If you'll join us." Eva is frozen. She glances at Juliette, who nods excitedly. Eva asks Jonathan, "Are you nuts?" "I hope not," Jonathan drawls, sounding very Sandy Cohen, "but that depends entirely on you, doesn't it." "OH MY GOD!" Eva shrieks. She hugs Jonathan. Juliette looks like she wants to cry. Aw.

Cooper, all cleaned up, barges into the girls' dressing room and finds Jody (who's apparently had enough downtime to put her hair in hot rollers and take them out; I mean, lapses in time logic during the dances, okay, but when they're just chilling backstage, I can only suspend my disbelief so far). Anyway, Cooper tells Jody that he's going to have his own dance company, and that Joan is going to fund it. Jody is excited for him. He tells her he wants her as his leading lady. Before she has time to answer, Jonathan's assistant calls for her. Jody bites her lip and takes off.

In the rehearsal room...okay, this is all just to show us that Jody is All Grown Up and No Longer Naïve, so I'm going to paraphrase: before Jonathan can say whether he's offering her a job or not, she tells him she has something to say, which is that as long as she can remember, all she's wanted is to be one of ABC's perfect ballerinas, but now she has a chance to be a principal in Cooper's company instead of spending her best dancing years waving a rose in the corps, so she's going to do that, and she doesn't want to know whether she was getting a job offer from ABC because if she wasn't, she doesn't want to know, and if she was, she might not be strong enough to turn it down. She thanks Jonathan and Juliette for everything they taught her, and takes off. My guess? No job offer. Y'all, she's a blimp of practically Emily proportions! Also, Juliette and Jonathan have no reaction at all to her little speech, which is hilarious. She's all like, "Wait, no -- hear me out!" and they're like, "Which one are you again?"

Oh my God, you guys, it's almost over! Everyone's in the lobby, debriefing. Eva runs up to tell Erik she's in ABC, and he says the company must really be losing it if they're taking headcases and cripples because, yes, they took him, too. Sergei bitches at Maureen for not telling him about her plans to blow off the ballet; she apologizes. He smiles that it's okay, and tells her and Jim that he got into the San Francisco Ballet, where Galena, his girlfriend, already dances. Jim congratulates Sergei as though this isn't totally the first scene they've had together in this movie. The Russians take off, and Maureen hugs Eva and tells her, "Everyone says you were beautiful." "You didn't watch?" Eva asks sadly. Maureen shakes her head apologetically. Eva asks if she's all right, and Maureen says she isn't, but that she will be. Someone appears to whisk Eva away, and Jim repeats to Maureen, "You will be." Shut up, Jim. Cooper asks Erik how he did, and Erik says he was okay, "for an understudy." Heh. Cooper congratulates Erik, saying he heard Erik got a spot at ABC. Erik thanks him, adding, "And I hear you got yourself a principal dancer." Cooper runs up to Jody, who has just hit the lobby, and confirms, "You're with me?" "I'm with you!" she squeals. He picks her up and spins her around, and then sets her down, promising, "You're not going to regret this." He leans in for a kiss, but the newly un-naïve Jody stops him: "You're an amazing dancer and you're a great choreographer, but as a boyfriend, you kind of suck." We don't even get to see his face to react to this announcement (or hear him ask "How would you know how I am as a boyfriend, since I never was your boyfriend?") because she spots Charlie and makes a beeline for him. He tells her he got into ABC. She hugs and congratulates him. Charlie says Jonathan told him Jody was joining Cooper's company. (That's...not really your information to share, there, Jonathan. What a hen!) Jody confirms the news, adding that she's starting out as a principal. Charlie looks all sad, because he thinks that means Jody and Cooper will be lovahs now, and mutters, "What more could a girl want?" Jody mumbles, "Well...a date to the party tonight, for one thing." Charlie asks if she's asking him out, and she grins that she is. He accepts. They finally kiss. It's brief. I still don't really think he likes girls. Nice ass, though. Jody pulls Charlie into the crowd gathered in the lobby, and Cooper announces her like she's the Duchess of Ballet and starts clapping for her, because Jody Has Arrived! and suddenly she's the It Girl of ABA even though she spent the whole year getting scolded for her bad turnout and almost got kicked out at least once that we saw. But never mind that! Some girl actually curtseys (I swear to God), and then everyone who has a bouquet pulls a rose out of it to give to Jody, and we pull back on the entire lobby at Lincoln Center clapping for Jody! Jody!

As the credits roll, we watch the kids where they all ended up: Jonathan leads barre exercises with Kathleen, Anna, Erik, Charlie, and Eva, among others. In San Francisco, Sergei gets down with Galena. At a college somewhere or other, Maureen makes nice with some girls in the hall. And At Cooper's company, Jody's angelic and happy at the barre. Jody Jody Jody! CENTER STAGE!