Donnie Dorko

S01E05

Previously on The O.C., Luke angrily saw that Ryan had moved in and made himself right at home. Summer asked whether Marissa was into Ryan, and Marissa unconvincingly said she wasn't. Ryan and Marissa weren't at Cotillion together, but Luke was done with Marissa anyway. Jimmy stole money from his friends because he couldn't say no to his family. But he'll pay everything back! (Unless, of course, his family asks him not to.) Sandy urged Kirsten to put her personal feelings for Jimmy aside, but he was one of her oldest friends! Greg Fisher yelled, "Son of a bitch!" and punched Jimmy out at Cotillion. Then Luke was sorry, but Marissa just needed to be alone.

The camera races across the water, leading up to the beach, where girls strut in bikinis and a surfer takes a giant, hilarious digger. Ryan and Seth gleefully bicycle and skateboard, respectively, down the pier, exchanging joyful glances. Those are some happy boys! They tie up outside a restaurant; once inside, they peer at a giant lobster in a tank. Ryan asks why they're there, and Seth explains that they and the lobster are like samurais, and they "need to have respect for each other before meeting in battle." He further explains that eating lobster is a battle, as Ryan will soon learn. Ryan doesn't know how to eat lobster? He's from Chino, not Mars. Without breaking his stare into the tank, Seth asks whether Ryan is wearing a new shirt. Ryan reveals that Kirsten bought him new clothes, which she didn't have to do. I guess she bought him the underpants, too. Seth agrees, because everyone knows Ryan "can get a lot of mileage out of a tank top." Hee. Seth then asks, "Speaking of which, do you think I could pull off the wifebeater? You know, switch up my look?" And for those who sent emails, that's not my word -- take it up with Fox. Ryan has no response except his signature stare, leading Seth to conclude, "Gotcha. You got your style; I got mine." Ryan agrees. As they head off to be seated, Seth lingers behind to make a throat-cutting gesture at the lobster and proclaims, "Dead!"

We see the carnage of their lobster meal, as Ryan says it was amazing, if a bit of work. Seth -- whose interest in Ryan's love life can only be rivaled by Sandy's interest in Seth's love life -- asks what's going on with Marissa. Have they talked? Ryan doesn't think she wants to talk because of what's going on with her father. Seth's not down with that, insisting that he knows what Ryan's problem is, and that he speaks "from experience with great authority here." And Seth? Tony the Tiger called, and he wants his "grrrrreat!" back. On second thought, he wants you to keep his "grrrrreat!" because it's just so adorable when you say it. In any case, Seth suggests that Ryan needs to be aggressive: Luke and Marissa broke up, and Ryan needs to pursue her and reveal his feelings. Ryan asks what they'll do and where they'll go since he has neither car nor money. Seth cockily whips out his billfold and reclines to pull out bills, explaining that he picked up a couple of sailing lessons this week and is "feelin' a little bit flush." Well, I'm feeling a little bit flushed when Seth flashes his wallet around and talks about dating. Ryan resists the offer, insisting that he can't keep taking from the Cohens because they've been paying for everything since they took him in. Seth rebuts, "They're parents. They work for us." Hee. Ryan clarifies that they are Seth's parents, but Seth insists that as Ryan's guardians, the "same principle" applies. Just as Seth asks what Ryan plans to do for cash, we hear a crash from the kitchen, followed by one "Get out of here!" and one "You can't fire me, I quit!" Then, a woman squeals with laughter, which may or may not be related to the argument going on inside. It's just Contrivance, dropping a plate in the kitchen and getting fired; Ryan has a sudden job prospect, and Seth thinks it's fine if Ryan takes the job but insists, "You're hookin' me up with free lobster!"

Tinkle, tinkle, tink. California, here we come!

The Big House. With his back pressed again the windows, Seth tries to convince himself that Ryan's job might actually be good for him because it'll leave Seth time to do all the stuff he hasn't been able to do since Ryan moved there, like start his novel. Ryan slightly grimaces -- or grins, it's hard to tell -- as he says he'll be back by 6. Seth knows that, but it's 9 AM now, which means, "I'm gonna have nine hours of Me Time. You know what I'm sayin'? For me, Ryan!" Hee. ["The crab shack opens at 9 AM? Who's eating shellfish at 9?" -- Wing Chun] Seth continues that he'll do things like learn Chinese and "study my Talmud -- you know what I mean? -- sink my teeth into it?" ["And speaking of shellfish and the Talmud...well, never mind, Seth, but you may be in for some shocking news." -- Wing Chun] Ryan asks whether Seth will be okay, and Seth responds that before Ryan moved there, all Seth did was hang out by himself "so it's really a return to form."

The Noopsies are back! Noopsie #1 -- who was heavily, and inexplicably, featured during "The Gamble" -- asks if they shouldn't go? Noopsie #2 suggests that they tell Julie they're not going and then go anyway, but Noopsie #3 thinks that's mean and she can't do that; she looks to Kirsten for backup, who adds that they've been planning the retreat for months, and that Lady Heather's looking forward to it. Noopsie #2 snits that they'd been looking forward to early retirement until "[Lady Heather's] husband stole out money." I'm not sure if it's possible to retire early if one doesn't work, as we're clearly supposed to think these women do not. The camera pans away to reveal Sandy lurking around a corner. Seth and Ryan approach behind him, and Seth asks what Sandy is doing. Why is he spying on someone other than Seth? Okay, not that last part, but still. Sandy explains that he's "waiting for them to disperse" because he left his briefcase in there, and he needs to get to work. Ryan tells Sandy just to go get it, but Sandy whines that he doesn't want to talk to those women. Meanwhile, Kirsten is insisting that Jimmy didn't steal, and that Lady Heather is their friend. Noopsie #2 can't believe that Kirsten is defending the Coopers, because "Jimmy Cooper's a thief and a felon." Back in the hallway, Seth observes that the women are obsessed, and Sandy agrees: "A scandal this big in a town this small? They'll be dining out on this for months!" Noopsie #1 asks what the Cooper kids will do with Jimmy in prison, and Noopsie #2 asks if she really thinks Jimmy is going to jail. Noopsie #1 heard he'll do ten to twenty years! Ryan echoes Noopsie #2's question, and Sandy responds that Jimmy stole a lot of money from a lot of powerful people. Seth asks what Marissa will do without her father, while Ryan looks concerned. Noopsie #3 questions whether Lady Heather will even still want to go.

As it turns out, Lady Heather will answer that question for us. We cut to Lady Heather's Lair, where she wear J.Lo's denim catsuit -- how last season -- and discards magazines, lamenting that she doesn't want to go; she has to go because the trip is paid for. Besides, if she doesn't go, "those women" will spend the entire weekend gossiping about her. Jimmy suggests that Lady Heather's being a little paranoid, but she's sure the women think she "masterminded this whole débacle." Jimmy insists that they're her friends, but she whines that those women are "the gatekeepers of this entire community," which is a community she and the girls would like to remain a part of. She drama-queens that it's her "one chance to go before the firing squad and plead for a stay of execution." Jimmy was hoping he and Lady Heather could talk this weekend, but she cuts him short: it's his mess, and he should clean it up. When she gets back, she says, they'll figure out "what the hell we're gonna tell our girls." Lady Heather stomps out of the room.

Beach. Summer groans that she's "totally crispy." She whines that she wants to do something -- "shopping, get exfoliated, anything!" Marissa asks how they'll pay for it, because her father's credit cards got "shut off" yesterday. Do credit cards get "shut off"? I guess someone of Marissa's privileged background might get that one wrong, though. Summer points out that Luke will pay, since he's Marissa's boyfriend, right? And so he'll pay for her exfoliation? I guess I needed some different boyfriends. Marissa admits that she doesn't know whether Luke is still her boyfriend, because everything is up in the air. Summer can't believe Luka and Marissa haven't talked since Cotillion, and Marissa reveals that she hasn't talked to anyone except Summer. Summer looks at her in dismay and advises that it's "so not the way to handle this." She continues, "I mean, you're gonna become depressed. And then you're gonna need medication. And then you're gonna stop feeling, like, anything!" This is followed by an awkward pause, after which Summer adds, "According to my stepmom." They laugh. Summer offers to buy Marissa lunch; her dad gave her his credit card "in case of emergencies and...well, this is an emergency." Giggling. Because food is funny!

Back at The Only Restaurant in Orange County, another waiter -- who is played by Lex Luthor's brother, and who we will soon learn is named Donnie so I'll just start calling him that now -- gives Ryan the tour. He picks up a piece of paper and identifies it as garbage, which belongs in the garbage can. This leads to "the advanced class": he walks up to a woman and sweetly asks whether she'd like another glass of merlot. She would, and as they walk away, he whispers to Ryan, "Drunk!" Ryan asks how long Donnie's been working at The Only Restaurant in Orange County, and Donnie responds, "Too long." He snits that everyone in the restaurant is a "freakshow" -- they like to have $30 meals on plastic plates, and $60 bottles of wine in plastic cups. Ryan asks about the service, and Donnie responds, "With a big smile." Donnie then welcomes Ryan to Newport, "where things only appear to be casual." Summer and Marissa enter -- because, after all, this is The Only Restaurant in Orange County -- and Donnie checks them out, adding that living in Newport does have its upside.

Marissa and Ryan "hey" each other, and add that to the drinking game: any time two characters "hey" each other, chug. But only if you hold your liquor better than we'll soon find out that Donnie does. Ryan reveals that it's his first day on the job, and Marissa acts surprised, then dorks that the food is really good. An awkward pause follows, then Ryan asks how Jimmy is doing. When Marissa responds that he's "okay," Ryan follows up, "How're you?" Summer interrupts this conversation, summoning Marissa: "Coop! Starving!" As Marissa turns to go, Ryan quickly asks whether she'd like to "hang out sometime...go out?" Marissa clarifies, "Like, on a date?" Ryan rushes to explain, "Not a date, uh, just...." Marissa jumps in to say that she can't, and Ryan hurries to say, "Of course." Marissa bashfully thanks him and walks away.

Jimmy walks Dustin as Sandy tools up in his pimpmobile. He asks how it's going, and Jimmy sarcastically responds, "Never better." Sandy was wondering if Jimmy would like some free legal advice, and Jimmy asks whether Sandy wants to be his lawyer, adding, "How long do you want to send me away for?" Sandy responds that his ego is too big to let that happen, and Jimmy agrees. Sandy explains that he has a friend who is a securities attorney but Sandy could help him put together the case. Jimmy questions why Sandy would want to do that, since Sandy doesn't even like Jimmy; Jimmy responds that as a public defender, he "represent[s] a lot of people [he doesn't] like." Hee. Jimmy and Dustin mull it over.

Back at The Only Restaurant in Orange County, Ryan busses tables in the background while Summer uncomfortably wishes someone had told her Ryan worked there now. Marissa asks why, and Summer responds, "No reason." Seconds later, we learn the reason as she looks toward the restaurant's entrance and announces, "Oh, whatdoyouknow? Luke! What a coincidence!" Marissa can't believe that Summer invited Luke, but Summer's off and running: "Gotta pee! See ya!" Luke struts through The Only Restaurant in Orange County, crossing paths with Donnie, who greets him in a way that isn't unfriendly. Luke laughs in his face and keeps on walking. He pulls a chair up at Marissa's table and "hey babe"s her. At the bar, Donnie tells Ryan that he hates Luke, because Luke thinks he owns the place, but "that Abercrombie and Fitch water-polo-playin' bitch" wouldn't last two minutes in Corona. Ryan perks up as he hears that Donnie's from the 'hood, and reveals that he's from Chino. Donnie is impressed, because "that place is no joke." He points out that Ryan is a long way from home.

Marissa, meanwhile, is apologizing to Luke for not calling him back; he's all "no worries" about it, and suggests that they don't have to talk about it at all. When Marissa proposes that they should talk about it, Luke responds that talking will only get them bummed out; instead, they should go and do something! At the bar, Donnie asks if the Newport kids make Ryan sick, too, and Ryan figures out that Donnie's not a "fan" of the O.C. crowds. Donnie likes the surf, the tips, and the girls, which causes Ryan to look skeptical. Considering that cheddar cheese makes Ryan look skeptical, it doesn't mean that much. In any case, Donnie claims that all of Newport isn't like the restaurant; he insists that there are some "real people" around, and offers to show Ryan what he's talking about after work. They fist-bop on it, all, "Coo'?" "Coo'!"

Back at the table, Luke reveals that Holly's having another mole removed at the beach house, and were they that hard up for set financing that they couldn't find one other location at which to hold teen parties? Marissa thinks it will be weird, narrating, "I mean, her dad beat up my dad at my debutante ball!" Luke insists that Marissa can't blame Holly for that, adding, "I mean, your dad stole all their mon--" He realizes that his sentence is going no place good, but it's too late. Marissa snits, "Nice," and leaves, with one last, wistful look toward Ryan. Luke scowls.

The Big House. Seth sits outside on a chaise longue, fiddling with an iPod. His brown t-shirt commands, "Now start a band." And for all of you wanting to make your significant others (or yourselves) overinto Seth, check out Urban Outfitters. As soon as Second Day Air allows, my husband will be making his debut in the "Gardeners Do it with Hoes" tee. ["Oh my God! Glark designed 'Gardeners Do It With Hoes,' and Niki's boyfriend made it! For real!" -- Wing Chun] Bored with his mp3s, he throw his head back against the chair, grabs his surfboard, and heads determinedly back inside the house. For someone who is basically assless, Adam Brody sure can work a pair of blue jeans.

At The Only Restaurant in Orange County, Donnie counts money and says that although trainees don't usually get tipped, Ryan did well, so. He hands over some bills, and claims Ryan can buy him a beer in return. He's off to grab a sweatshirt as Ryan heads to walk aimlessly down the pier, just as Seth skates up. They clasp hands, and Seth announces that the "craziest thing just happened" -- he was in the neighborhood, checked his watch, realized it was 6 PM, and figured they could celebrate the conclusion of Ryan's first day on the job. Ryan looks trapped, and just at that moment, Donnie joins them, asking if Ryan is ready. Seth looks confused as Ryan explains that he made other plans with Donnie, whom he introduces as a kid who grew up in the town to his. Donnie greets Seth, who recovers from his disappointment by suggesting that Donnie and Ryan must have a lot of catching up to do. Donnie announces that they've "got some girls [they] gotta catch up with, right?" and points out two women -- one of whom, he reveals, is "a dancer." The girls wave in their direction as Seth agrees, "Ah, yes, the ladies. I feel ya." Ryan awkwardly asks if Seth wants to go, turning to check with Donnie, but Seth rushes to "no, no, no, no, no" him. He urges them on, explaining that he was "gonna do some stuff." He earnestly says it was nice to meet Donnie, who responds in kind and heads off toward the girls. Ryan lingers as Seth says he'll see him at home "uh, tomorrow. Er, tonight. Uh. Just. I don't know. Just. Go." Aw. Ryan asks if he's sure, but Seth curtly dismisses him. With Ryan gone, Seth surveys the beach, swings his surfboard, and skates off in the opposite direction.

The Big House. Morning. Ryan enters, and he's started wearing undershirts with short sleeves. How disappointing. He looks tired and rumpled. And like he's wearing sleeves. He pulls a stool up to Seth, who plays it cool while reading a comic book and eating cereal; he sneaks a quick glance over at Ryan and quickly looks back down. Ryan asks what Seth is reading, and Seth unenthusiastically responds that it's the new "Legion," which came out on Wednesday -- part two of five. Ryan liked the first one, and Seth quick-talks that he'll let Ryan borrow it when he's done. Ryan looks concerned, but Seth can't keep up the act for long; he caves to his curiosity and asks about the night. Ryan says it was "fine," and Seth thinks it's cool that Ryan met someone from his old neighbourhood. Ryan doesn't respond. Seth silently slides the comic book across the table to Ryan and quickly turns to focus on another. Ryan watches him plaintively.

Marissa and Summer, in their bikini tops, lean up against a car at the beach. Marissa acknowledges that Luke isn't "the most sensitive guy in the world." Summer claims that there's no one who wants Marissa and Luke together more than she does, but that Marissa is going through something "gnarly" right now, and as a boy, Luke might be incapable of handling that. Having been actually -- gasp! -- nice for a moment, Summer quickly changes the subject, asking if it's bad to burn on top of a peel. Marissa tells Summer to put on 30 SPF. Seeing that Marissa's mind remains elsewhere, Summer insists that her life will stabilize and her parents will work it out: Lady Heather will go away this weekend, and Marissa's parents will "miss each other; they'll have makeup sex." Marissa squeals over the ew-ness, but Summer giggles that it's true, and then disappears to get the sunscreen. Ryan bikes up, and it's hard to look cool on a bike. He doesn't pull if off, which I think is kind of cute. He tells Marissa he's "headin' to the office," and she laughs that she is too. They do that sitcom thing where they both talk at once, but Ryan ultimately gets to talk first; he admits that when he asked her yesterday if she wanted to "hang out," he was really asking her out on a date. She knows. He just wanted to clear that up, though, because he's going to ask her again. He suggests tonight, but Marissa has to babysit her sister. She pauses before adding that she will be cooking macaroni and cheese, which is her "specialty." He takes that as a "yes" and bikes off; a pleased Marissa watches him go.

Jimmy and Sandy are surrounded by papers and boxes at Lady Heather's Lair. Jimmy asks whether costs will be covered by Chapter 11, but Sandy insists that filing for bankruptcy won't make the problem go away; the U.S. attorney's office is involved now, and it'll push for charges on fraud and unauthorized transactions, etc. Jimmy proposes that he'll be fined and then return to work to make it all back, but Sandy shoots him down, pointing out that it's $4 million ($4 million!), and unless Jimmy plans on going to the track and getting really lucky.... Sandy's voice trails off, and Jimmy starts to snit that if Sandy doesn't want to help, he'll leave, but Sandy cuts him off with a reality check: Jimmy is going to lose his Series 7 license: "It's really important that you understand the predicament you're in." Jimmy puts his hand to his forehead and groans, explaining that he gets this from Lady Heather every day, his daughters won't even talk to him, and he got his "ass kicked in front of everyone at the most elegant event of the year." So he gets it; he definitely understands. Sandy sees that Jimmy is overwhelmed and suggests that since they're both tired, they should take a break and go out. Jimmy asks what he wants to do, and Sandy's eyebrows exclaim that their wives are away for the weekend! He says, "We could...well, what did we do before we got married?" And, as we'll shortly find out, the answer to that question is "barbecue."

Noopsie #1, Noopsie #3, Kirsten, and Lady Heather sit poolside. Noopsie #2, apparently, didn't make the cut. Kirsten text-messages until Noopsie #1 tells her to put her Blackberry away. Kirsten apologizes, explaining that she has a bid in on a new development, and the counteroffer is outrageous. Noopsie #1 insists that they're there to relax, and Lady Heather claims that Kirsten is "lucky" to have a career; she then clarifies her statement, "Well, it's not luck. You're a very hard worker." And no one else could make the words "very hard worker" sound so insulting. Lady Heather explains that she could use her own income right now before announcing that she'd better enjoy this weekend because she won't be back for a while. Noopsie #1 insists that it's not true, but Noopsie #3 -- clearly the Noopsiest of all the Noopsies -- quickly asks if Lady Heather had "any idea about any of it." Lady Heather admits that she didn't, explaining, "We have a deal. My domain is the kitchen and the bedroom. His is the office. I held up my end of the bargain." Noopsie #1 makes comforting noises as Lady Heather adds that if she had known about Jimmy's problems, she would have taken the girls out of the country because they're the ones she's worried about -- "having to live with the shame of what [their] father's done?" It's no more shameful in Caitlyn's case, I'd guess, than having an alopeciac pony. Kirsten has had enough, and suggests that perhaps they shouldn't talk about it, but Lady Heather doesn't mind; to be honest, she blames herself -- she should have known or sensed it somehow. The Noopsies assure her that she couldn't have known and that she shouldn't blame herself and that she's the victim. Lady Heather knows all of this, but what can she do? Noopsie #3 announces that she knows a great attorney; Noopsie #1 adds that a good attorney could help Jimmy, but Noopsie #3 snits that it's for Lady Heather to "divorce his sorry ass." Kirsten thinks the conversation isn't helping Lady Heather to relax, and isn't that why they're there? Lady Heather does not look pleased to have Kirsten come to her defense. Noopsie #1 thinks Kirsten is right, though, and scoffs that Lady Heather wouldn't get a divorce...would she? Lady Heather ignores the question and puts on her sunglasses.

Seth enters The Only Restaurant in Orange County. And drink again for the "hey" he exchanges with Ryan. He approaches the bar and announces, "How do you feel...about a little thing that I like to call...the IMAX experience?" He waves tickets in front of Ryan and explains, "This town sucks. It's the best I could do." Bussing tables, Ryan reveals that he can't, because he's hanging out with Marissa tonight. Seth suggests that they get a third ticket, because he doesn't exactly think it will be sold out. Hee. Ryan says there's also Marissa's sister, and -- in one of Adam Brody's most perfect lines and perfect delivery this week -- he responds, "Fine. Four tickets, then. I like Caitlyn. She's nice. And she's smart for a fifth-grader." Ryan clarifies that he's going to Lady Heather's Lair to help Marissa babysit, and Seth finally gets it, all, "Ohhh. Nice. The babysit, I see. Steppin' it up. Takin' it to the level. I can respect that." Donnie tools up, whining that he can't believe he survived the shift because he's so hung over. He asks what Ryan's up to, and Ryan explains that he's got plans, and then walks off. Seth, sitting across the counter from Donnie, considers, then announces, "I've got extra tickets to the IMAX, Donnie. It's a shark movie. Hammerheads. It's very violent." Seth sure likes the sharks. Donnie -- who is, in addition to being very annoying, also very humorless -- scoffs, "A shark movie? What are you, like, eight?" Seth asks if he's got a better idea, and Donnie responds that there's a house party in Long Beach with "six kegs, crazy honeys." Seth pauses and concludes, "Yes. That is better." Hee. While Ryan looks on, Donnie invites an amazed -- and, of course, agreeable -- Seth along to the party. Donnie heads into the back room to change (putting on another sweatshirt, perhaps?), and a concerned Ryan approaches Seth, who tells him, "I do enjoy the crazy honeys." Ryan flatly announces that Seth isn't going, but Seth's all, "Okay, Mom. Except that I am." Ryan claims that Long Beach is a "shady neighborhood," and that it's "pretty hardcore." Well then, maybe Josh D. should check it out. And if you don't get that reference, you're missing the best show on television. But enough already! We're not recapping it! Seth dudes that it's "Long Beach, not Chechnya." Ryan insists that Seth doesn't exactly know about "guys" like Donnie, and that Donnie doesn't exactly know "kids" like Seth. It's subtle, but Benjamin McKenzie effectively communicates the distinction. Seth responds, "So I shouldn't wear my ascot and talk about Grey Poupon?" And it's so easy to go wrong with the Grey Poupon jokes, but of course Adam Brody never goes wrong and I laughed out loud. Ryan asks how Seth will get to the party, and Seth says he has the Range Rover, which he'll park up the street. Ryan still isn't convinced, and Seth points out that Donnie is a good guy, and that maybe this way they can all be friends and hang out together. Ryan gives in: "We'll go for one hour."

Sandy grills at The Big House, as Jimmy brings two beers onto the deck and laments how long it's been since he's had a steak; he lives with three vegetarians. Jimmy counters by asking whether Jimmy knows how long it's been since the Cohen's had beer in the house, and I do! I do! Last week. Go ahead and make your arguments for Zima, but I'm not buying it -- that was a beer. Sandy adds that he's sick of chardonnay and merlot, and they "cheers!" each other. The phone rings, and Sandy sends Jimmy to answer it because he's busy with the steaks. And why would Jimmy -- the community pariah -- willingly answer the phone at someone else's house? It could be anyone! It could be Greg Fisher punching his way through the telephone! Instead, it's Kirsten, who is surprised, and asks whether she dialed Jimmy's number by accident. Jimmy explains that he's at The Big House -- though not yet at The Big House. She assumes that Jimmy and Sandy are working on the case, but he explains that he's actually taking a break. She's all, "With Sandy?" Nice! Jimmy adds that they're "doin', uh, doin' guy stuff." Kirsten tells Jimmy to have Sandy give her a call when they "finish doin' guy stuff." She then asks whether Jimmy's okay, and there's another drinking game question for you: drink whenever someone asks how Jimmy is. Jimmy guesses that he is, but he doesn't really know. Just as Kirsten softly reveals that she's been worried about him, Lady Heather approaches behind her. Kirsten tells him they'll talk about it when she returns, finishing off with a revealing "Take care, Jimmy." She turns to see a peeved Lady Heather, who snarks, "Your concern for my husband is really touching." She snits off, followed by Noopsie #1, followed by a funny-walking non-Noopsie extra.

It's very noisy at the Long Beach house party. Apparently, people in Long Beach like the bass. And also? There are giant industrial vats in the background. Ryan enters first, looking at home but wary, while Seth follows, bristling with excitement. A crazy honey fingers his shirt. It's a penguin shirt. Again with the Urban Outfitters, people. The crazy honey leaves, and Seth sweetly waves after her. The boys then stop to stare, gape-mouthed, up at something as Seth says, "She really is a dancer." The camera pans upward to reveal yesterday's blonde stripping down to her bra and panties, leaving Seth momentarily speechless. Who knew that was possible? Donnie beckons Ryan, calling him "Chino"; he wants Ryan to meet "some of [his] boys." As he heads over, Ryan tells Seth they're down to forty-five minutes. Seth, still admiring the girl, responds, "Yeah. We should see if she wants to come back to the pool house." Ryan lectures, "Don't say 'pool house'!" Because, what? Oh, right. The phrase "pool house" is a trigger for the people of Long Beach, and sends them immediately into fits of rage, murder, and mayhem.

At the Big House, Sandy and Jimmy are playing a videogame. Jimmy thought Sandy said he'd played before, leading Sandy to respond, "Well, some people have a natural talent...not me!" Jimmy can't remember the last time he's played a videogame and asks, "Are we old? Because if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was still sixteen." Sandy happily announces, "Oh, I'm still twenty-two!" He says it was the best year of his life. When Jimmy asks why, Sandy reveals that it was the year he met Kirsten. He asks Jimmy why Jimmy's sixteen, and Jimmy answers, "Uh, that's when, uh...I met Kirsten." Aw. Jimmy exhales while Sandy ponders this revelation. Meanwhile, they keep playing.

Marissa answers the phone at Lady Heather's Lair while checking her watch. It's Ryan, and there's a lot of noise in the background. She asks where he is, just as Donnie comes up behind him and yells, "Yo! What'd I tell you, man? How much better is this than Newport?" Ryan explains to Marissa that he got dragged to his party and is on his way, but first he's "gotta get Seth away from, uh, this...this...dancer." Ryan claims it's a long story, and promises he'll be there soon, telling Marissa to save him some mac and cheese. She pissily agrees. Ryan stomps over to Seth, who is busy working the crazy honeys. He grabs his arm; Seth tells him to "hang on," and then explains, "Listen. I am really connecting with this girl, 'kay? Check it out? She just moved her with her sister from Uzbekistan and they're saving for a condo, right? Nice! That hits here!" He pats his chest, then goes on to say that she has a serious boyfriend, but "you know what? She's looking into it." Ryan responds by not responding, and Seth turns back to tell the perplexed girls, "Good luck with the condo." Just as the boys are heading out the gate, some drunk people enter, talking about a Ranger Rover that someone just messed up. Seth looks upset, and then opens his mouth in an exaggerated "o."

Quirky music. Ryan sits on the steps of The Big House and stares, and then looks at Seth, who is standing beside Sandy. They're both staring ahead of them at the Range Rover, which appears to have been spray painted or TPed or whatever it is that kids do to be destructive to cars these days. Seth, by the way, is wearing a navy blue t-shirt with what appears to be the top half of "78" written on it in rainbow font. Sandy flatly concludes, "So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theatre." Seth shrugs, "Shark movies bring out a rough crowd." Sandy will call the insurance company, but insists that Seth will explain it to Kirsten, and that it "could get ugly." Seth asks whether Ryan called Marissa; Ryan responds that he tried this morning, but that she doesn't want to talk. Seth apologizes for "salting [his] game," but Ryan doesn't mind; he likes his game a little salty, and with some barbecue sauce on the side. Actually, Ryan says nothing except that he's got to get to work.

The Noopsies take a sauna, and we find that excessive shininess isn't a failing exclusive to the teens on the show. Noopsie #3 announces that she'll give Lady Heather the divorce lawyer's number when they get back to Newport; he's the best, she says: "He did Carol's divorce and she got everything." The point, in this case -- which the Noopsies seem to be missing -- is that there's nothing left to get. Marissa thanks Noopsie #3 as Kirsten enters, asking whether Lady Heather is really considering a divorce. Lady Heather snits, "Why? Are you gonna call Jimmy and tell him?" Noopsie #3 insists that Lady Heather needs to protect herself, and Kirsten points out that when Mr. Noopsie #3 (and here we find out that her name is Karen, but "Noopsie #3" suits her so much better that I'll stick with that) got caught with his assistant, no one gave her the number of any divorce attorney. Noopsie #2 -- who gets to be in this scene -- thinks Kirsten's comment was "uncalled for," but Kirsten thinks "what's uncalled for is [her] $500 a day coke habit in college." No she di-in't! Noopsie #2 doesn't seem particularly offended, and rebuts that it was just during sophomore year. Noopsie #1, the sweetest -- or perhaps dumbest -- Noopsie, insists that what Jimmy did was wrong, but Kirsten spits, "Spare me," because Noopsie #1has an entire Guatemalan family cleaning her house for less than minimum wage. D'oh! Again! Kirsten catches her breath before going on to say that she's spent the entire weekend listening to the women judge Jimmy. Yes, he made a big mistake, but life is complicated and no one is perfect, not even Lady Heather. Lady Heather asks what that's supposed to mean, and Kirsten responds, "He didn't buy ponies and jewelry for himself." More television shows, now that she mentions it, should feature male characters who buy ponies and jewelry for themselves. In any case, Julie thinks it's interesting that Kirsten takes Jimmy's side. It's getting too hot in the sauna -- literally and figuratively -- for Noopsie #1, who announces that it's "shower time," because the limo is leaving at 6. Kirsten won't be stopped, though, and furiously adds that Jimmy did everything for Lady Heather, and now she's going to leave him? Lady Heather argues that Jimmy lied to her, and Kirsten yells, "You lie to yourself! I know Jimmy!" Dang. Lady Heather knows Kirsten knows Jimmy, and points out that Jimmy still has their prom photo on the wall. Kirsten lamely says that's "in the past," but Lady Heather asks whether she thinks it's just a coincidence that the Coopers ended up as the Cohens' -door neighbors. She tells Kirsten that she's the one who married Jimmy, so it's her problem. Lady Heather turns to leave, but not before dropping one last bomb: "Who knew that when he knocked me up, it'd be the best thing that ever happened to you."

Back in Lady Heather's Lair, Marissa removes a happy photo of her and Luke from her wall. She stares at it, then turns to find Seth standing in the doorway of her bedroom. She's surprised, which surprises me. You'd think Seth would be lurking there around the clock hoping to catch Summer in her bra again. Seth explains that Jimmy let him in, and suggests that he seems like he's getting better. Marissa's phone rings, but she thinks it's just Summer calling to tell her about yet another party at Holly's. Seth says, "Ah, yes. Another one of those." Marissa smiles and asks how things went with the dancer. And that's exactly what Seth wanted to talk to her about! He reveals that Ryan's absence last night was his fault, and that Ryan's mad at Seth now because Ryan "didn't get to make it a Blockbuster night" with Marissa. Seth knows that Marissa is going through a lot right now; he apologizes because the last thing she needed was to get stood up. Marissa commends Seth's thoughtfulness, and Seth asks, "Why don't you help a brother out?" He asks her to consider another date with Ryan, telling her he's a good cook. Marissa shrugs in agreement.

Jimmy golfs, and I have to ask again: why would he go to the golf course, where everyone he knows is likely to be? Maybe they're at the public course or something. ["A public course, in Newport? Nah, maybe they drove to the public course in Chino." -- Wing Chun] Jimmy announces that one good swing makes him love the game. Sandy congratulates him, then reveals that he spoke with his "friend the securities attorney" this morning, and Jimmy is surprised that Sandy's working on the weekends. Sandy enthuses, "Workin' for you, to keep you out of jail!" Sandy's pretty sure he can make that happen, which Jimmy thinks is awesome. But there's a catch: it's contingent on Jimmy making full restitution, losing his Series 7 license, and never getting near another investment account. The result will be "little or no jail time." Jimmy can't believe he's got to pay everything back, and Sandy responds that, even then, there are "no guarantees," but that it's Jimmy's only option. Jimmy insists that it's not an option; where will he find $4 million? He found plenty of ways to spend it, didn't he? Sandy's done his research, pointing out that the Cooper house is valued at $3.2 million with $2.6 in equity -- a good start. Jimmy can't believe Sandy expects him to give up his house; Lady Heather will leave him! Sandy thinks Lady Heather cares about Jimmy and the kids, and that she won't care about the house if it means helping him. Jimmy asks, "Whose wife are we talkin' about?" He paces and argues that they have to come up with something else, but Sandy says this is it, and that it's "a gift" for which Jimmy should be grateful. Jimmy's all, "'Grateful'?" Sandy preaches that Jimmy couldn't possibly have thought the problem would go away without consequences -- he's got to "get real." This sets Jimmy off; he points out that Sandy lives in a "fantasy land" and is married to "the richest girl in the county." He lives in a house he's never paid for, and if he got fired, Kirsten wouldn't even notice. He wraps up his tirade by alleging that Sandy has "no idea what it's like to provide for a family." The eyebrows stare, then respond that there's more to providing for a family than money. He asks whether Jimmy wants to see Marissa graduate, or Caitlyn grow up. Jimmy continues pacing as Sandy insists that Jimmy can start over with a new life. But Jimmy doesn't want a new life! He wants his old life back! He finally realizes that it's not going to happen, while Sandy stands by helplessly.

Seth enters The Only Restaurant in Orange County, introducing himself to Ryan as "Seth Cohen, your friendly neighborhood pimp at your service." He tells Ryan about his conversation with Marissa, announcing that it's "totally handled." Ryan serves a table, grumbling that he'll be back with their drinks. Either he's just served them very small bowls of soup, or very large bowls of cocktail sauce. His shirt has a giant crab on it. Seth trails him, adding, "It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date provided it's not for me." Ryan asks him to clarify, and Seth explains that Marissa's coming over tonight; they'll have The Big House to themselves, and Ryan "will be cooking." As Ryan continues working, Donnie emerges and greets Seth, asking what "the agenda" is for the evening -- does Seth know if anything is going on? Seth reveals that there's a "lame beach party -- typical Newport scene," and Donnie immediately proposes that they go. Seth insists that it's not for him because it's just going to be a bunch of water polo guys and their girlfriends. Donnie doesn't get the whole water polo thing and Seth responds, "Nor do I! It's just a bunch of dudes who enjoy wearing Speedos!" Donnie wonders what the Newport kids know about partying anyway, and Seth -- party animal that he is -- couldn't agree more. Still, Donnie acknowledges that the girls are hot, so with the right attitude and drinks, it could be fun. If not, they'll make it fun, because "life is what you make it." Seth smiles, "That's very wise, Donnie." So, per Donnie, they'll go to the party; he'll call a couple of "[his] boys," and they'll "drink their beer," "dance with their honeys," and have a good time. A stern-faced Ryan walks up to Seth, who tells him enough with the "whole moody scowl thing." He insists that it's not a big deal, as Ryan asks whether Seth really intends to take Donnie to a Newport party. Seth indeed intends to take Donnie to a Newport party, explaining, "And now it'll be on my turf. Actually, I don't really have any turf. But if I had turf, this would be it." Not only that, but Summer will be there! Ryan doesn't know about this, but Seth again promises that it's not a big deal. The last time Seth made such a promise, a house burned down. So Ryan backs down, and Seth sends him off on his date with, "Make me proud!" As Ryan heads out the door, Seth advises him to "put the sock on the door."

At Lady Heather's Lair, Marissa stares at herself in the mirror and gets ready for her date. She takes her hair down. Then she puts it back up. Then she lets it down again. Then she tucks it behind her shoulder. She smiles at herself, and Joey Potters her hair behind her ear. By the time she gets to the Coopers, Marissa's hair has magically restyled itself and gone from wavy to straight. Seriously? It's a totally different hairstyle. Marissa comes bearing mac and cheese leftovers, and Ryan asks if it will go well with grilled cheese. She mocks, "Ooooh, very fancy." It never occurred to me that you could make grilled cheese on an actual grill. In any case, dinner is served.

At Holly's party-tastic beach house, Donnie and his boys enter, checking out all the honeys. Seth follows, suggesting that it's "kinda lame, right?" Donnie sees lots of potential, though, and continues scoping out the ladies.

Outside, Luke drunkenly stumbles down the beach, pouring his beer out of the bottle. Holly approaches with Charlie's Angels hair and asks where Marissa is. She looks at Luke's eyes, then at his chest, then at his eyes, then at his chest, then at his eyes, then at his chest. I guess this is "acting" for "I wanna have sex with you." Luke explains that Marissa's at home, and that they're kind of "taking a break." Holly's all, "You are?" putting her hand on his chest and asking if he's okay. She tugs at his shirt and slinks off, casting a lip-biting glance back his way. Luke chugs his beer and considers the obvious proposition.

Poolside. The Big House. Marissa and Ryan sit side by side, and she announces that it was the best grilled cheese ever. He says the mac and cheese was good, too, and she teases that it tasted even better last night. He feigns surprise at her attitude, and kicks a beach ball floating in the pool to splash her. He asks how she is, and she guesses that she's okay, even though she still doesn't know what's going to happen and her parents are fighting all the time. She admits, "My family's not perfect. Not even close." She doesn't want them to fall apart. She looks over at a silent Ryan, who suddenly announces that he wants to do something fun. He jumps to his feet and asks whether she still has fun. Marissa doesn't know, and Ryan leans back down to whisper in her ear, "What if you don't have a choice?" She asks what that means, and he grabs her from behind and pretends he's going to throw her in the pool. She struggles, and then they stop; as he goes to put something down a few feet away, she creeps up behind him and attempts to push him in, but he's taking her with him! They giggle and splash and flirt and dunk each other, and it goes on forever. He floats on a raft. She pulls him under. Splashing, splashing. They almost kiss, and then he slowly ducks under the water.

Back at Holly's house, Seth pops open a beer while Donnie approaches Summer, all, "'Sup girl?" He checks her out, circling around and asking, "You don't like to dance?" She responds, "Not with you." She tries to walk past him, but he blocks her way. She explains that she's trying to get to the bar, but he doesn't get the point, whispering in her ear, "You're fine. You know that?" She congratulates him on a "good one," and then loudly says to the amusement of the other party goers, "But, aren't you, like, the busboy? Ew. Random!" Donnie asks the laughing kids whether they've got a problem, and Seth appears to ask what's going on. Donnie's upset that "these kids are mad doggin' [him]." Seth's ready to leave, but Donnie's the one who's ready. He pulls up his shirt to reveal a happy trail. Oh, and a gun tucked into the waistband of his pants. He thumps his chest, all, "Yeah! What! It's what I'm sayin'! Life is what you make it." He chugs his beer and walks away, leaving behind an alarmed-looking Seth. There are two whole pineapples on the counter behind them in this scene. Do sixteen-year-olds really party with the fruit garnishes?

Marissa and Ryan, meanwhile, have gone into the pool house. She shivers and urges him to hurry up. He's getting towels, and looks a combination of excited and uncertain. He points out that she has goosebumps, and she knows! He gently puts a towel around her shoulder, then rubs her shoulders up and down for warmth. This scene, more than any other they've been in together, has a semblance of chemistry, but it's all in Benjamin McKenzie's acting -- he looks so hopeful and cautious. Ryan asks if Marissa wants a sweatshirt and she kids, "Oh, can I borrow one of your tank tops so I can look as cool as you?" He jokingly threatens to throw her back in the pool. They're now nose-to-nose giggling, which slows down to heavy breathing and another near kiss -- this time, interrupted by the ringing phone. Ryan gets it while Marissa watches, drying her hair with her towel. Seth's on the line, announcing, "Your friend Donnie is kind of a psycho." It's not a good time for Ryan, but Seth tells him to trust him -- he wouldn't call if it wasn't serious. He orders Ryan to take Sandy's car and meet him at Holly's. Ryan agrees to be right there while Marissa looks away in disappointment. Ryan explains that he's got to go pick Seth up at Holly's, and Marissa doesn't want to go along. Still, she accepts Ryan's apology before running off in her wet white dress.

Heavy breathing. A wriggling ass. It's Holly's, and she's grinding on Luke. Gradually, the camera tears itself away from her ass, and we see that the two are making out on the bed. Luke struggles with her bra strap and is obviously having difficulties with it, stopping every few seconds to open his hands, palms up, like "What the hell?" I guess he didn't get to practice last week on Marissa's triple bra strap. Holly continues to thrust and wiggle against Luke. He asks if she knows how long he's wanted to do this, and she responds, "As long as I have?" She continues to undulate over him, saying that he and Marissa should have broken up a long time ago.

In the kitchen, Donnie's getting all liquored up. Someone throws a handful of chips at him, which land with a bizarre crash. At first, Donnie handles it well and tosses some chips back, but then the other guy throws some more, and Donnie gets uptight, ordering him to "chill! Chill! Seriously. Relax!" Seth approaches, and Donnie slurs a drink offer, insisting that it's very good vodka. He then attempts to flip a bottle Cocktail-style, but he doesn't catch it and it shatters on the floor. In the bedroom, Holly stops mid-grind and says, "That sounded expensive." And that sounded like bad acting. To Luke's obvious frustration, they emerge from the bedroom to see what's going on.

Holly snits down the spiral staircase just as Donnie elbows an appliance to the ground; she's all, "That's my blender!" And I initially typo-d that as "That's me blender," which gave me a good laugh in the proofreading. It's Pirate Holly. Donnie notices Luke descending the stairs behind Holly and greets him, "Yo! Check it out! It's Abercrombie. Or are you, um, Fitch?" Luke flatly says, "Jackass," and asks what Donnie's problem is. Seth tries to intercede, running up to Luke and whispering that he really doesn't want to get into it with Donnie, but Luke tosses him away: "Shut up, Cohen. How'd you get in here, anyway?" The boys face off; Luke doesn't know who Donnie is or what he's doing there, but he'd better leave. Donnie asks whether Luke's afraid he's going to mess up his hair. Ryan runs into the party, and Donnie momentarily stops mid-fight to greet him and shake his hand. Who does that? Luke announces that he should have figured that "this chump was a friend of [Ryan's]," adding, "Why don't you just take him back to the trailer park?" Donnie gets even further in Luke's face, all, "What'd you say to me?" Luke's ready to go and shoves Donnie, who immediately yanks the gun out of his pants and raises it toward Donnie sideways, gangsta-style. As Luke puts his hands up and backs away, Donnie asks, "What's up, now? Who's the tough guy now, huh?" The camera briefly cuts to Seth, who is holding one arm up to block Summer. Aw. Except. Ew. Donnie asks how much Ryan hates Luke -- the way he talks to him like he's trash? He asks the same question of Seth, who responds, "Yeah, he's definitely flawed." Hee. Luke panders as Donnie adds, "Look at the role reversal now! Who's the bitch?" ("Role reversal"?) Ryan commands Donnie to put down the gun, but Donnie insists that he's just trying to have some fun at the party; he asks his boys if they're having fun, and they're all, "Yeah!" As Donnie turns to look at them, Ryan tackles him, and the gun goes off. Donnie immediately asks what's the matter with Ryan, insisting that he was just messing around. Summer's shriek interrupts their argument, and we see that Luke is on the floor, cradling his bloody arm. Donnie's friends rush him out of the party, while Summer hovers over Luke, looking very concerned and screaming for someone to call an ambulance. Ryan joins Summer, holding Luke's arm and insisting that he'll be okay.

Noopsie Limo. It's Noopsie #1's stop; she unconvincingly claims it's been a "relaxing weekend," and that she's "off to fire [her] cleaning lady." Neither Kirsten or Lady Heather answers, so she exits with a cheery "See you at spinning!" Both Lady Heather and Noopsie #1 are wearing designer sweatsuits, but not Kirsten, who's wearing jeans. Because Kirsten's real people! Lady Heather uncomfortably snits over the temperature in the limo, then yells for the driver to turn on the air. Kirsten apologizes for upsetting Lady Heather -- it wasn't her place. Lady Heather pauses and stares ahead before recalling that when she saw a limousine as a child, she always tried to look through the tinted windows, wondering about the people inside and what kind of lives they led. She says, "How glamorous. And lucky. Who knew, right? You knew." She says that Kirsten was probably in the limo staring back at her: "Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight." Kirsten looks dismayed as Lady Heather adds -- almost in a trance -- that when she first met Jimmy, she had nothing -- no money. She doesn't want to go back to being nothing again. Kirsten insists that she won't, because she now has a family and Jimmy, who loves her. Lady Heather says, "Not as much as he loved you." But she knew that when she married him; she says she was "winning the lottery" with a great guy and a great life, while he was "doing the honorable thing." Kirsten softly whispers, "It's your turn, Julie. Don't abandon him." The limo drives through the night.

Hospital. Ryan calls Marissa and apologizes; he explains that he's at the hospital and that everything's fine, but he thinks she'll want to be there.

Sandy does dishes at The Big House. Kirsten enters and -- drink! -- they "hey" each other. They also hug, agreeing that both their experiences were less than great. She pauses and says, "Sandy? What happened to our car?" He nods and says that Seth will explain. She asks where Seth is, and he guesses that he's out. Kirsten heads toward the fridge, opens the door, pauses, and stares, all, "You bought beer?" She laments, "I miss beer!" She hands it over to Sandy to open, and then flirtatiously asks if he wants a sip. Sandy's all eyebrows and "I want more than that!" He sidles over to her, pointing out that the boys might be out for a while. They kiss and laugh as he lifts her onto the counter.

Meanwhile, at Lady Heather's Lair, there's an entirely different kind of husband/wife reunion going on. Lady Heather sorts through the mail in the living room; Jimmy enters, claiming he didn't hear her come in. When he leans in to kiss her, she dismissively proffers her cheek. She asks how his weekend was, and snits over whether he won the lottery. Jimmy gets right to the point, asking if she wants to sit or stand, because he's got some news. He announces that it's not going to be easy, but that they have a decision to make; he then clarifies that she has a decision to make. She curtly asks what it is, and he explains that they can liquidate their assets, sell the house, and start over as a family, or they can declare bankruptcy, keep the house, and he'll see her and the girls in eight to ten years. Lady Heather sourly stares at him, as he restates that he'll do whatever she wants him to do.

At the hospital, Seth tells Ryan that the police claimed Donnie wouldn't get far before they caught him. Ryan deadpans that he's sure there's a job available at the restaurant if Seth wants to make some extra money. Seth thinks it might be better for him to take the "Me Time" he mentioned earlier, and that tonight would make a good chapter in that novel. Seth asks if Ryan was scared, and Ryan responds either "yes," "no," or "a little." The sound on my television, evidently is really bad. Marissa walks in, and Ryan explains that Luke is okay and that it's "just" his arm; he's with his parents on the third floor. Marissa asks if "this guy" was Ryan's friend, and Ryan responds, "Not really." Marissa thanks him for calling her, but adds that she should go. Ryan offers to wait, but Marissa thinks she might be a while. They stare at each other as the elevator doors close.

Ryan returns to the waiting area with Seth, mumbling that he never thought "the day would end here." Seth says Ryan was right, and apologizes for bringing Donnie to the party. Ryan blames himself; if not for him, Seth and Donnie wouldn't have met, and Luke wouldn't be in the hospital. Ryan worries that since he's arrived in Newport, everyone's lives have gotten worse. Seth sweetly says, "Not everyone." Aw. They make eye contact as Ryan laments that he's going "back to Chino, or worse." Seth insists that he's not going anywhere. He does think that they need to stick together from now on: "United, we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like --" Ryan interjects, "People get shot." Seth mutters, "That's what I'm sayin'. That's what I'm sayin'." Aw. (It's so "aw," in fact, that we'll ignore that they were actually united at the moment Luke took the bullet.)

time on The O.C., we meet Kirsten's terror-inducing father and terror-inducing boss, who are one and the same. His name is Caleb, and his girlfriend is taking a swim. And she's doing it in a teensy blue bikini. And she's bored. Bored enough to slide her hand way up Ryan's thigh.