The Debut

Previously on The O.C., Dawn Atwood, Ryan's mother, showed up and was "a mess, not a mother." Ryan squinted from the sun and cutely waved her goodbye. Lady Heather thought it was "sweet" that Marissa was concerned about "this boy," but Marissa needed to focus on her future, which meant Luke. Jimmy needed $100,000, Kirsten loaned Jimmy $100,000, and Lady Heather told Sandy that Kirsten loaned Jimmy $100,000. Also, Seth wanted to sail to Tahiti, and Ryan was going to stay with the Cohens from now on.

We open the episode with Ryan and Seth playing videogames in the Big House; Seth goads Ryan, "Oh? Oh, really? You think so? We'll see about that one." It's difficult to recap Adam Brody, because his delivery is so good, but the lines don't quite fly off the page when transcribed. Just know this: anything he says? It's good. In any case, Ryan, in response, is quiet except for one impassive "Yup." He still wins, and Seth forlornly concludes, "So the pupil has become the teacher." Hee. Ryan stares at the screen, and sometimes Benjamin McKenzie is less Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate and more Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

Sandy and Kirsten somberly approach the boys down a long, long hallway. Kirsten is stunningly turned out in a white suit with red accessories. She looks very expensive. Sandy? Not so much. Seth asks "who died," but the Cohens want to talk alone with Ryan. As Seth exits, he says, "If this has to with the rug, though, I just wanna tell you that...Ryan had nothing to do with it." Kirsten and Sandy are all, "Rug? What?" so Seth hightails it out of there.

Sandy sits down opposite Ryan with a heavy and slightly ominous-sounding "so." He reveals that he and Kirsten went to Child Services that morning and then pauses, causing Ryan to clasp his hands together nervously. Sandy explains that they told Child Services that they wanted Ryan to stay with them, and Ryan perks up. He actually looks hopeful, which is not an emotion Benjamin McKenzie has had to exhibit previously on the show, what with all the doleful and the mournful and the plaintive and the sad and such. Sandy adds, however, that there's a "catch": because Ryan is a minor, the Cohens will have to assume all legal responsibility for him. Ryan can't ask them to do that, but Sandy dismissively says, "Oh, you don't have to. We're asking you!" Aw. Kirsten joins in to say that they have talked about it, and that they want to be his legal guardians. They want him to be part of the family! If he wants to be, that is. To the bewilderment of the Cohens, Ryan asks, "What if it doesn't work?" When pressed, he expresses concerns that something will happen and they'll change their minds. Sandy asks, "Like what? You steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team?" Well, put together like that, it is kind of curious that they'd so eagerly take in this delinquent they've known for all of a few weeks. In any case, Sandy insists that it's in the past, but Kirsten says that Ryan will need to promise to stay out of trouble, which means "no more fights." Sandy explains that Ryan is still on probation, and "Child Services will be up our ass!" "Up our ass" should join "dude" on the list of words and phrases Peter Gallagher should never, ever say. Ryan pledges that there will be no more trouble, which basically ensures that there will be. And since this is a television show, that's a good thing; otherwise, it would probably get a little boring. Still, Ryan looks very earnest, and we know at least that he plans to try to remain trouble-free. Sandy gets to his feet and welcomes Ryan to the family with a handshake. Ryan is all "thanks, guys" in a very "aw, shucks" kind of way. A happy-looking Kirsten goes in for the hug, which Ryan has no idea how to receive because...well, there are no hugs in Chino! Only chokeholds and wedgies! Kirsten announces that Seth can come out now, and he slinks out of the kitchen and ooches over toward Ryan. "Ooch," by the way, is the best work I can come up with for the weird yet delightful walk/dance Adam Brody employs to depict Seth's restrained delight. Ryan deduces that Seth knew what was going on but didn't say anything, and Seth admits that he didn't want to "jinx" it. They clasp hands and Seth says, "Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt." Hee. Ryan unconvincingly says that all he has to do now is stay out of trouble; Seth echoes his doubt: "Yeah. That could be...difficult." Ryan shifts his eyes around, because he is concerned, and that is what concerned people do.

Tinkling.

Kirsten enters the pool house wearing a fetching wraparound chinoiserie-style shirt and explaining that Ryan will need bedding and towels, while Seth and Ryan slowly trail after her. With her back turned, she asks how the bed is -- is it comfortable? Seth falls onto the bed then completely spazzes out on it -- rolling around, flopping from his back to his stomach, and getting a decent amount of air. A bemused Ryan looks on, before responding that the bed is indeed great. But since people in Chino sleep on splinter-filled wooden planks, any old mattress would probably do. Kirsten wants Ryan to have some privacy, but acknowledges that it's a pool house and needs "a little warmth." She lists that he'll need chairs, a desk, and a bookshelf. Seth adds to this, "Also a flat screen, couple of turntables, a minibar..." Considering that the pool house has a full bar in plain view, I'm not sure why the minibar would be necessary. Also, there are already several chairs, and it looks pretty warm to me. But Kirsten is clearly nesting. She adds that they should clean out the pool house so that there's room for Ryan's stuff, and then realizes, "Right. You don't have any stuff." That means, she says, that they'll have to go shopping for "clothes and shoes and underpants." Seth whines, "Mom! Don't say 'underpants.'" Hee. Ryan assures Kirsten that he has everything he needs; she points out that he doesn't have a tux, and that he'll need one. He asks why, and she explains that it's for Cotillion. And now that we have identified the formalwear event, we need only come up with a fight scene to complete the episode.

Now Kirsten is unloading her car, still trailed by Ryan and Seth. She expositions that Cotillion is the annual debutante ball and Newport's biggest event: "It's the day when Newport's most accomplished young women make their formal debut into society." I think Kelly Rowan's got some chops, but Meryl Streep couldn't deliver that line without sounding like a cardboard cutout. And besides, would her character really buy into the notion that the debs -- distinguished by the fact that they are the richest of Newport's teens -- are also the "most accomplished"? In any case, Seth translates Kirsten's explanation of Cotillion to Ryan by claiming that it's "another excuse for them to get wasted and throw up on themselves." Kirsten defends her past as a "deb" who made her debut "at this very country club not so many years ago." As they head inside, Ryan decides that he should skip the event, but Kirsten insists that he attend because it's a "family tradition," and he's now part of the family. The snitty "it's called puberty, honey" lady from the fashion show appears to be directing this event as well; she greets Kirsten with air kisses to both cheeks, and then sends the Cohens plus Ryan off to the fitting room. Kirsten unconvincingly insists that this will be fun.

Meanwhile at the Big House, we get another car-pulling-into-driveway shot. The cameraman exclusively assigned to providing these critical plot aids has branched out this time, employing a different, close-up angle of the driveway. We see that the car contains Sandy, back from surfing and unloading his car in a particularly inefficient way -- cutting a six-foot swath around the car while walking from the driver's-side door toward the trunk, and then pulling out each small item one at a time, carrying it to the curb, depositing it there, and returning for the item. It's strange. Jimmy appears, and small-talks that Sandy got some surfing in. Sandy explains that he's taking advantage of a late court date, and Jimmy moans, "I used to have hobbies." Because he's so much busier than Sandy is, what with his illegitimate business ventures and all. Jimmy then gets to the point, apologizing to Sandy for approaching Kirsten for the loan; he knows Sandy isn't "thrilled" with Jimmy, and that Jimmy should have asked Sandy directly. ["Why? They aren't friends, and it isn't Sandy's money. Shut up, Jimmy." -- Wing Chun] He claims he wasn't going behind Sandy's back, and Sandy generously responds, "Look, it's done. Let's move on." Jimmy adds that he was afraid of what Sandy would think of him, claiming that losing such a large amount of money is not "an impressive accomplishment." After a brief pause, Sandy perfectly delivers the line, "How much money'd you lose?" Jimmy laughs the question off, claiming that it's not important. After another brief pause, Sandy even more perfectly delivers the follow-up line, "How'd you lose it?" Hee. Jimmy ignores this completely, rushing to say that the important thing is that he doesn't know what he and Julie would do without friends like the Cohens. He attempts to wrap up the conversation by extending his hand, but Sandy is obviously not appeased, and questions whether everything is okay. Jimmy laughingly insists that everything is fine, and leaves. The eyebrows are suspicious.

Back at the country club, a man shows Ryan racks of Gucci, Armani, and Versace tuxes. And rich though these boys may be, I still don't see them caring that much about the labels on their tuxedos. In the background, girls paw through racks of ugly white dresses. And what are these, rentals? Wouldn't they go shopping for their dresses? It seems very non-elite to me. Plus, those dresses are looking more Hot Topic than haute couture. Conveniently, Marissa is picking up her dress, and she and Ryan "hey" each other. In response, perhaps, to the director instructing her to convey her confusion by bugging out her eyes, Marissa does so, and then asks what Ryan's doing there; he jokes that he "had an appointment with [his] personal shopper." She recalls that he was supposed to leave with his mother, and he explains that it didn't work out, so he's now "kinda living with the Cohens." Marissa excitedly asks, "For good?" and he asks whether that's going to be a problem. Marissa insists that it's great news, adding, "I guess now we can be friends, right?" Because if Ryan were going to be living in Chino, a friendship was most certainly out of the question.

Luke approaches with Summer, who is complaining that her gloves are giving her "serious sausage arms." Luke possessively puts an arm around Marissa and asks what Ryan is doing there -- wasn't he going back to Chino? Luke manages to convey a whole lot of snobbery in the two syllables it takes him to say "Chino." Substitute in the way a normal person might say "pedophile" or "genocide." Marissa explains that Ryan is now living in Newport, and Summer's head swings around in interest. Luke's all, "He's what?" As Ryan insists that he's not there to cause any problems, Kirsten comes onto the scene, checking in to see if everything is okay. Luke agrees that it is, and then leaves to wait in the truck for Marissa. Since Marissa is "lead deb," Kirsten wants to introduce her to "a couple of White Knights." She says this so proudly -- it's cute. She calls Seth over and then further explains that Ryan and Seth are there in case one of the girls needs a last-minute escort. Summer looks Ryan over and flirts, "Every girl needs a White Knight." Seth approaches just in time to hear her comment and introduces himself, "Seth Cohen, White Knight." Hee. But Summer ignores him, looking directly at Ryan and asking whether he'll be at the rehearsal. Seth misses the non-subtleties of Summer's advances toward Ryan and enthusiastically responds, "Yes, absolutely!" The girls flounce off together as Seth enthuses, "Cotillion rawwwks!"

In the dressing room, Summer shows off another bra, and holds a dress up to herself in the mirror. We join the girls mid-conversation, as Marissa incredulously asks whether Summer really wants to be fixed up with Ryan; didn't Summer says he was a "total psycho"? Summer claims she did so before getting to know Ryan. Marissa asks when she got to know him, and Summer laughs, "Just now." Summer claims that she's into "that whole brooding bad-boy thing," adding, "He's wounded. I can save him." To her credit, she does deliver these lines with a degree of mocking self-awareness. Marissa points out that Ryan and Summer have never even talked, and claims that Ryan isn't even really a bad boy. Summer's all, "Not by the time I get through with him." Summer then asks whether Marissa is into Ryan, because isn't she with Luke? Marissa insists that she is indeed with Luke, and attempts to laugh off Summer's suggestion.

We're now at Sandy's office, where Steve Pearlman shows up, introducing himself as a member of the "S.E.C. Enforcement Division." Sandy rises and betrays no emotion: "Okay." Steve Pearlman hopes that Sandy can help him out with a case he's investigating, and Sandy agrees. Steve asks whether Sandy is aware that a check Kirsten made out to Jimmy was not treated as an investment, but instead directly deposited into Jimmy's personal account. And isn't it a good thing Lady Heather dropped this bomb last week, given how much more difficult it would have been for Sandy to extricate himself from this particular circumstance? Sandy quickly responds that the $100,000 was a loan not an investment, and Kirsten and Jimmy are "old --" He cuts himself off to ask what this is all about, and Pearlman asks whether Sandy is aware that Mr. Cooper is currently the subject of an S.E.C. fraud investigation. D'oh! Sandy whispers "No," and then more emphatically proclaims, "No, I didn't."

Kirsten enters the Big House, conspicuously bearing a Victoria's Secret bag. If Seth's ashamed of his mother even saying the word "underpants," the presence of the pink and white striped bag must make him especially uncomfortable. Ryan and Seth follow, Seth joking that white gloves are "ready for a comeback." In the kitchen, Sandy pours two glasses of wine, and Kirsten asks what he's doing home. Sandy cryptically responds by asking the boys to leave. Seth's all, "If this is about the vase --" and Sandy's all, "Which vase?" The boys leave. Kirsten asks what's going on, and Sandy pushes the glass of wine to her.

In the pool house, Ryan throws his tux on the bed and announces to Seth that he isn't going to Cotillion. Seth responds, "Yeah. Okay. Except that you are." Hee. Ryan recalls his promise to the Cohens, and Seth asks what kind of trouble he can get into at a debutante ball. Ryan doesn't know, but suggests that Seth pose that question to Luke. Seth slowly explains that they're White Knights, which means that Marissa has some "sad, lonely girl all lined up" for Ryan to escort, and that Ryan can't just cancel at the last minute. He concludes, "That's a faux pas, buddy." Sigh. All that goodness and he speaks French. Ryan pensively lowers himself to sit on the bed, and slowly asks whether Seth will call Marissa. It obviously takes a lot for Ryan to request Seth's help, but Seth refuses anyway, because if Ryan wants to bail on Marissa and "some, like, poor, pathetic, dateless girl," he'll have to do it himself.

Back in the Big House, Kirsten looks shocked, and we see that Sandy has already broken the news to her about Jimmy's situation. She asks whether Sandy is sure, and he explains that, according to the S.E.C., Jimmy has been "siphoning" money out of his clients' accounts in order to cover his own debts. Kirsten's face flushes as she sits down, sadly asking how they couldn't know something like that about Jimmy. Sandy is less with the sad and more with the angry, raging that they trusted Jimmy -- everyone did! He claims that the entire community "wrote him blank checks without asking any questions." And Jimmy's poor business judgments aside, such cavalier attitudes don't exactly reflect well on the check writers. Regardless, Kirsten once again insists that the $100,000 check was just a loan, and Sandy reveals that this apparently makes them worth investigating, as well. Kirsten is sickened and puts her head in her hands as Sandy starts dialing the phone; they have to call their friends and let them know. Kirsten's head snaps up; she implores Sandy to wait to make that call because people will panic. Sandy orders her to "put [her] personal feelings for this guy aside -- forget [their] history," but Kirsten insists that Jimmy's one of her oldest friends, and if what the S.E.C. says is true, she needs to hear it directly from Jimmy. A centerpiece composed entirely of lemons and limes jutting out in assorted positions looms behind Kirsten's head.

Marissa hurries to answer her front door while attempting to hold up her Cotillion dress, which she's trying on. It's Ryan, whom she greets, "Hey! You're, um, at my house." Ryan wants to talk to her about Cotillion, but first, she wants to finish putting on her dress, and she "can't seem to reach the --" She doesn't finish this sentence because the back of the dress is not held up by a zipper or even a clasp, but basically a triple bra strap. And you can't just come right out and say, "I can't seem to reach my triple bra strap," can you? In any case, Marissa contorts herself, attempting to view her own back; she continues wriggling around until Ryan asks, "Did you want me to, um. I cou...Do you want me to, uh?" Marissa deduces that this is an offer on Ryan's part to fasten her dress, and in response she acts like the schoolgirl in a porno, as she softly agrees and turns around. We get a long shot of her back and neck, and this scene would have been sexier if the dress just had a zipper. Because the back of this dress is distractingly stupid-looking, and also very 1999. Marissa does a good job of looking uncomfortable and yet slightly thrilled; she does an even better job of performing the signature Joey Potter hair tuck. All fastened up, Marissa turns back to ask Ryan what's up about Cotillion? Back-dazed, Ryan responds, "What time did you want me there?"

Inside Lady Heather's Lair, Jimmy apologizes to Kirsten; he never meant for her to be dragged into the situation. She asks how this happened. She can understand a few bad investments, but theft? As Jimmy scoffs at the concept that his theft is...well, theft, they are interrupted by Lady Heather, who pauses when she notices Kirsten; Lady Heather snits that Jimmy didn't tell her Kirsten was coming by. Jimmy lies that Kirsten stopped by to ask "a quick...business...question," and Lady Heather snits, "A quickie, huh?" When Jimmy whines at her, she pretends she was kidding, but jokes in the genre of accusations of marital infidelity are kind of hard to pull off. Unless, of course, they involve Monica Lewinsky. Lady Heather can't stick around, because Caitlyn needs new shoes for Cotillion, they're test driving "the CLK," and she has to pay for Marissa's tennis lessons at the club, so which credit card should she use? And that's just a bizarre, clunky, plot-driven question. Are we really supposed to believe Lady Heather always willingly asks her husband on which credit card to charge something? Jimmy looks uncomfortable and tells her to use the MasterCard. She asks about the AmEx, and he snaps that she shouldn't use it, making up some lame excuse about the miles. Lady Heather pecks him on the cheek and exits, but not before one last snark that Jimmy and Kirsten "have fun!" In her absence, Jimmy says, "Well, now that the how and why have been accounted for..." He claims again that he wasn't stealing, but was borrowing to pay back his debts, but then the market took a turn. Kirsten flatly says, "You were stealing." Jimmy insists that he can't say no to his family, and that he plans to pay everything back -- he just needs "that one stock!" What he needs, Kirsten says, is help. Jimmy pauses, and then laughs this off: "Yeah, well, who's gonna help me?" Well, the Cohens will, obviously. Maybe they can be Angel's Orange County branch and thus adopt his suitable motto, "We help the hopeless."

We pan over to Marissa and Luke, the latter of whom has just donned his jacket. Marissa proprietarily fixes his collar and brushes off his dandruff. Puberty Lady announces that she will review the classic waltz step with Philip. We don't know who Philip is, but we're obviously supposed to think that he's gay. Luke whines that "that kid" is stalking Marissa, and she insists that Ryan's not stalking her -- he's her neighbor! And, she adds, Ryan's not going anywhere, so Luke will have to get used to him. What he won't get used to, Luke says, is "that kid macking on [her] every time [Luke turns his] back." Marissa asks whether Luke doesn't trust her, and Luke claims that he doesn't trust anyone else -- especially not around Marissa. They consummate the healthiness of their relationship -- he, acting like an asshole out of jealousy; she, accepting of the fact that he's an asshole because she's flattered that it's spawned by jealousy -- with a kiss.

Elsewhere on the dance floor, Ryan and Anna awkwardly appraise each other. Suddenly, she asks, "Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire?" Ryan admits that he is, and Anna adds, "So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's Most Wanted?" Ryan asks if it's going to be a problem, and Anna enthusiastically responds, "I can't wait!"

At Sandy's office, we find him in mid-conversation with Kirsten. He announces "absolutely not" to whatever she has requested, even though he's happy she came all the way to his office to visit him. He yelps for a file, explaining to Kirsten that he's defending a fifteen-year-old, two-time drug offender who is in danger of being deported. Kirsten insists that "he needs help!" and Sandy expositions, "Jimmy Cooper?" For those tuning in late, Sandy backstories that Jimmy stole from his clients and friends, and then had the nerve to borrow from Kirsten to cover it up. Kirsten defends Jimmy, claiming that he was trying to provide for his family, and Sandy snits about the boats and the ponies. Kirsten low-blows that Sandy will defend a two-time drug offender, but not Jimmy? Sandy exclaims that he will! His clients have no hope! No guidance! Nothing! Jimmy Cooper is just another Newport brat who had everything handed to him! Kirsten asks, "Like me?" and Sandy emphatically responds, "No. Not like you. You! Would never lie. You! Would never steal." Kirsten would like to think that, but the truth is that there's nothing she wouldn't do for her family. She'll see Sandy at home!

Seth and Ryan emerge from the ballroom at the country club. Ryan is wiped out, while Seth enthuses that after three hours of dancing, he could dance even more! Marissa chases after them, match-making that Anna seems nice, and she thought...because they're both new... An awkward pause follows, as a blonde girl slinks over to hug Marissa. Marissa explains that she was just about to tell them about the cookout, and the girl -- who we'll shortly find out is Holly, of the beach house, "margs," and mole removal -- announces that the cookout is at her house, and that she does it every year for Cotillion. Seth comments, "You didn't do it last year," and Holly instantly responds, "Yeah, we did." Seth is all, "Ouch." Holly and Marissa exchange a look, and then Holly bops off as Seth yells that he'll see her there. Looking over at Luke, Ryan asks if it's a good idea that he attend. Marissa insists that it is, because Ryan lives there now and there's no reason they can't all hang out. She flounces off toward Luke, while Seth announces that he can think of a reason; in response, Ryan reveals that he's not planning to go. Seth doesn't want to go alone, though, and when Ryan points out that Summer will be there, he clarifies, "Yeah, well, I'm still going. I would just prefer not to go alone." Seth plays the brother card, explaining that they should, as brothers, do stuff for each other: if Ryan does something for Seth, somewhere down the line, Seth will do something for Ryan. He doesn't know what it will be yet, but it will be awesome.

Elsewhere in the country club restaurant, a man carries many, many shopping bags filled with food. He turns out to be Holly's father, and his name is Greg Fisher. Jimmy enters, and is conveniently just who Greg wanted to see! Jimmy looks at the bags and notices that "somebody's havin' a party." Greg proudly explains that Holly is hosting "this thing" for the debs out at the beach house. Jimmy remembers this because Marissa is going; he then approaches the register for his meal pick-up, but he's not rid of Greg yet. Greg sends Holly out to the car and follows Jimmy, asking why he hasn't heard back from Jimmy yet -- didn't he get his messages? Jimmy responds that work has been crazy, and asks what's been going on with Greg. Greg explains that he was asked to invest in a commercial real estate property, which he thinks could be a nice second income -- it might, he jokes, turn out to be their only income with the way the pharmaceutical industry is going. Jimmy is visibly uncomfortable as he claims that it sounds promising. Greg continues that he'll have to pull $250,000 out of the investment account. Jimmy takes this in, and asks whether Greg is sure he wants to do that with the market about to turn around. Then, the credit card machine beeps -- Jimmy's been declined! He lies that it's a new card and that he forgot to activate it, while Greg looks on, his face not yet registering any particular concern. The hostess asks whether Jimmy wants to use another card, and Jimmy is saved further embarrassment in front of Greg by Holly's timely interruption -- she whines that she's going to be late to her own party. So Greg exits, but not before telling Jimmy that he'll call him tomorrow with the details, and asking him just to bring the check to the Cotillion. He tells Jimmy to enjoy his meal, which, it turns out, Jimmy will pay for with cash.

Partay! And does no one else's parents in Newport have a beach house? Ryan and Seth enter, still in their rehearsal clothes, while everyone else has changed into swimsuits and beach attire. Okay, we get it, they're outsiders. Seth tells Ryan to give him ten minutes to "find Summer and lock it down for tomorrow." Ryan urges him to be quick, but Seth tells him not to wait up.

Outside on the deck, Holly barbecues in her bikini, and I can't imagine that's very comfortable. Summer begs Holly to trade -- presumably, and this is momentarily confirmed, they're speaking of escorts -- offering up various booty, including eleven dollars. Holly says she's sorry, but she doesn't want to make a trade, just as Seth walks up. And is anyone else getting a Donna Martin vibe from Holly? Both in character and in the "who is that 'actress' related to?" sense? Seth asks her about Cotillion, and Summer snaps, "What did I say about talking to me?" He stutters that he just wanted to make sure they were still on, and she snits, "I guess!" Seth, whipped though he is, doesn't take that much crap from anyone and says, "Could you even pretend to be a little bit stoked?" She stares at him silently in response, and then in the best line ever uttered on television, Seth turns to Holly and says, "Wow! You're a really good barbecutionist!"

Back inside, Ryan makes himself at home on the couch. We see Luke spread some sort of dip on a cracker and attempt to feed it to his unnamed clone/friend. The unnamed clone/friend pushes it out of his face, and then it falls on the floor, causing them to groan. Yes. That just happened. If you missed it, then that's your loss. Marissa watches this bizarre display, and then spots Ryan on the couch; she calls him over, but he waves it off with a "that's okay" kind of gesture. So she heads toward him and he gets up to meet her halfway, asking if she's sure she wants to be seen with him. She insists that she's glad that he came, asking, "How could you possibly miss all this?" They scan the room, and there's Luke staring at them. Ryan quickly says he's going to go, but Marissa claims they're not doing anything wrong. Luke's upon them, though, snitting that now that Ryan has moved in, he's making himself right at home. Marissa admonishes Luke -- he said he was going to try! Luke is trying, though -- trying to understand why, with all the people there, Ryan only wants to talk to Marissa. Marissa argues that she wanted to talk to Ryan, and Luke tells her to go talk to Summer because Summer's looking lonely. Marissa suggests that he go talk to Summer, and she'll stay and finish her conversation with Ryan. Ryan repeats that he'll leave. Marissa tells him to stay. Luke tells Marissa not to tell Ryan he can stay. Ryan tells Luke not to tell Marissa not to tell him not to stay. Or something like that. Luke thought Ryan was leaving, and offers to help him out, grabbing his arm. Ryan insists that he's not going to fight Luke, who asks, "Even if I do this?" sucker-punching Ryan in the stomach. Ryan drops to his knees, and Marissa checks to make sure he's okay, then storms out of the party, but not before loudly proclaiming, "God, Luke, you're such an idiot!" Seth squats down on the floor to Ryan and says, "Wow! You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen." Hee. Ryan plaintively stares at him, as Seth helps him up.

The camera scans the nighttime ocean. Pool house. Ryan reads a magazine as Seth enters in his tux and tails. Not my favorite look, the tails. That aside, he's Adam Brody, so of course he looks cute. Seth asks what Ryan is doing, and why he isn't dressed. Ryan responds that he's not going, causing Seth to throw his head back in dismay. Ryan asks Seth to inform Anna -- he thinks she'll probably be relieved. Seth asks if he's not going because of Luke, but that's not what Ryan is afraid of. Ryan explains that being taken in by the Cohens is "like, the best thing that ever happened to [him]," and that he's not going to lose it "just to kick some guy's ass." Seth asks, "But you could've totally kicked his ass, right?" and is relieved when Ryan responds in the affirmative. Seth exits with typical finesse, telling Ryan to have fun.

In Marissa's bedroom at Lady Heather's Lair, Marissa fusses with the tulle underskirt of her dress. Lady Heather enters, needing to borrow some lip gloss. She admires Marissa's dress, and Marissa suggests that she should wear it. Lady Heather thinks this is "sweet" but, "I think we both know I'm no longer a size zero. Give me a few more months on the Zone." Marissa announces that she doesn't want to go, causing Lady Heather to gasp, "I'm sorry -- I thought I just heard you say you don't want to go to your own Cotillion." Marissa explains that she and Luke got into a fight last night, and Lady Heather says they've had fights before, but that they've been together forever. Marissa suggests that that might be the problem -- what if there's someone else out there for her? Lady Heather knows where this is headed and asks, "Like who, that boy from Chino?" Marissa says nothing, causing Lady Heather to get serious, asking if Marissa wants to end up like her aunt Cindy: "With four kids in a trailer park -- she broke my mother's heart. I will not let you break mine!" Marissa's all "so now this is about you," and Lady Heather emphatically responds that it's about Marissa. What kind of future will she have with "that boy?" Marissa yells that she's only sixteen, and Lady Heather argues that the choices she makes now can affect her entire future. She cites Luke's good family, claiming that if Marissa stays with him, she will "always be comfortable." But Marissa is comfortable now! Lady Heather fortune-cookies, "Nothing in life is certain." When Marissa asks what that means, she snits, "It means that you'll put on this dress, do your hair the way I showed you, and make your debut into Newport society with Luke." Marissa's says can't, and that she's sorry. Lady Heather -- more Lady Macbeth in this scene -- threatens, "No you're not. But you will be."

At the Big House, Sandy sits on a lawn chair drinking a beer. Kirsten joins him, wearing a dress that shows off all of her angles. She asks what he's doing and why he isn't dressed. He's not going, because he doesn't feel like getting all dressed up and having to pretend that Jimmy Cooper is "the O.C. golden boy." Well, I don't feel like pretending that anyone in Orange County actually refers to it as "The O.C.," but you don't see that stopping me from recapping the show, do you? Sandy adds that he doesn't feel like being part of any community that makes "that guy" a hero. Kirsten is flummoxed as Seth joins them outside; she asks if he's not going either, but he tells her he wanted to leave twenty minutes ago. Seth asks why his father isn't dressed, and Kirsten shoos him to the car. Sandy and Seth exchange a glance.

Back at Lady Heather's Lair, while the phone rings in the background, Jimmy announces that maybe he shouldn't go, either. Lady Heather moans, "What? What is wrong with the family?" It's Cotillion -- the most important event of the year -- and is she the only one who gets it? Caitlyn enters -- though sadly not on the back of China, the prettiest, if alopeciac, pony -- just in time to announce, "I get it, Mommy." She holds up the phone -- it's Mr. Fisher, and he's called three times already! Lady Heather says it's no time for business talk, ordering Caitlyn to tell Greg that he and Jimmy can talk at Cotillion. Jimmy looks dismayed, but agrees to go. Ever the model member of the Newport community, he doesn't want them to be late.

At the country club, Seth approaches a group of girls, asking whether they know Anna Stern. He then hears his name, and turns to see Anna approaching, fixing her glove and wearing a cheap-looking dress. He's all, "Wow!" and she's all, "Ya think?" He does think, which will make what he has to tell her even harder to say. He valiantly tries: "Anna, just know in life, there are peaks and --" She cuts him off to conclude, "Ryan's not coming, is he?" Seth says she took the wind out of his sails, but Anna shakes if off. Seth sweetly asks if she's okay, and she says that she is. He smiles and looks bashful.

Ryan enters the kitchen of the Big House, still reading his magazine. I can't see what it is, but I'll just bet it's Future Architects of America Digest or something like that. Sandy is in the kitchen too, and they do the whole "I thought you were going to Cotillion!"/ "No I thought you were going to Cotillion!" thing. Ryan says, "Yeah, no," and Sandy very enthusiastically exclaims, "Yeah! Me neither!"

Suddenly Ryan and Sandy are in the den playing videogames together, and Ryan complains that Sandy is stabbing him. In another great line, Ryan says, "Just don't touch any of the buttons, follow me through the forest, and, uh, maybe we'll both make it out of here alive." Sandy asks why Ryan didn't feel like going to Cotillion, and Ryan claims that it wasn't really for him. Sandy asks, "What? Waltzing and orchids? What could be more you?" Well, seeing as he's from Chino, the answer to that question would obviously be "Satanic rituals and weeds." Ryan proposes that he doesn't really fit in, and Sandy has news for him: no one does. He guarantees that every person at Cotillion feels like a fraud; they've all got secrets, and they're all terrified the guy door will find out. In Jimmy's case, literally. Ryan asks what Sandy's secret is, and he responds that sometimes when the sun is coming up, and the surf is good, "and [he hasn't] pissed [his] wife off quite as much as [he has] today," he kind of likes this place. Ryan expressionlessly looks over and says, "You just stabbed me again." Hee.

At the country club, Summer yells into her cell phone -- she can't believe Marissa isn't coming! Marissa explains that "after the whole Luke and Ryan thing last night --" and Summer cuts her off to say that Ryan isn't even there, which gives Marissa momentary pause, but she recovers to say that, even so, she's not up for it. Summer -- looking extra-shiny tonight -- hangs up, and then turns to face Lady Heather and Luke. She announces that Marissa is not coming, and Luke snits about having gotten all dressed up for nothing. Summer -- realizing she now has a alternative to Seth -- looks Luke over with raised, appraising eyebrows.

Marissa, at home, continues to fuss with her dress.

Elsewhere at the country club, Anna prattles on to Seth about "the whole superhero movie genre," which she insists is at least getting people to read the "original source material." Seth can't believe Anna reads comic books because she's a girl. She asks what that's supposed to mean, but doesn't wait for an answer, instead clarifying that she calls them "graphic novels," because if more people did, maybe the whole genre wouldn't be so "marginalized." They laugh together. Ha! Ha! Ha! Comic-book camaraderie! Summer rounds the corner and Seth rises to greet her, saying she looks great. Summer shows a brief moment of remorse before getting ready to let Seth down, but he spares her the trouble and deduces that she found another date. As Anna watches with concern, Summer claims it was "kind of an emergency," and that Seth is now off the hook. She leaves before he can even respond, and Seth walks away, dazed. Anna sits on her chair, looking like a viable competitor for Summer in a shine-off contest. Seriously. Powder. Have the makeup people never heard of it?

Back at the Big House, Ryan answers the door and finds Marissa wearing a revealing red top. Ryan notices that she's not at Cotillion, and she notices that he's not there, either. She hopes that he "didn't not go" because of last night's fight or because of her. He looks away without responding, and then asks why she's not going. She shrugs in response, and he asks whether she thinks hiding out and staying at home will make everything better. She points out that it seems to be working for Ryan. They stare at each other until she proposes, "I'll go if you go." Sandy remains heavily engaged in the videogame and yells, "Ryan, come on. Check this out! I have totally annihilated all the other ninjas!" Heh. Ryan enters, followed by an amused Marissa. Sandy is surprised to see her, and even more surprised when Ryan announces, "So, we're gonna go. To Cotillion." Sandy pauses and says, "I'll get the car." Yay, Sandy!

Cotillion appears to have started, and Jimmy reads a pamphlet in the middle of the party. Presumably, it's not about how to consolidate his debt and improve his credit. Greg approaches, glad to find him. Jimmy attempts small talk, but Greg cuts right to the chase: he'll be fine once he gets his check so that he can close the property and "get [his] wife off [his] back." Jimmy admits that he doesn't have the check, and Greg asks what he means -- did he forget it? Jimmy doesn't answer the question, instead saying that it's not the right time or place, and suggesting that Greg stop by his office tomorrow so they can talk about it. Greg's all, "Talk about it? Talk about what?" At that moment, Ryan and Marissa enter the ballroom -- in their day clothes -- followed by an ecstatic-looking Sandy. Jimmy excuses himself, leaving behind a very bothered Greg.

Lady Heather sees Marissa and is all happy "I don't believe it!" which then changes to a snotty "I don't believe it" when she spots Ryan behind her daughter. Marissa has entered the dressing room, and Ryan walks by, whispering something to her. Luke witnesses this exchange and storms over, yelling that Marissa told Summer she wasn't coming, and now she's here with Ryan? Marissa attempts to explain that they aren't there "together," but Luke says he's no idiot. Ryan's back on the scene to say, "Then listen to her and stop actin' like one!" Luke gets all up in Ryan's face, daring him to repeat the statement. Marissa puts herself between the boys, urging Luke to stop, and then suddenly Luke's had enough, storming out of the room: "I'm over this. We're done." A tearful Marissa looks over at Ryan, who shrugs.

Anna greets Ryan with a "Hey! Look who decided to show up!" She tells him not to worry, because Ryan's "hit man" took care of it and she didn't feel a thing. Ryan responds that he's here now if Anna wants him as an escort, but she insists that it's too late; he missed his shot, and now he'll have to go with "Princess Mononoke over there." I don't get that joke, but Ryan gets the joke, so I guess he made time to watch cartoons while fighting for his life in the mean streets of Chino. He asks what she's going to do, and with a completely bizarre delivery, she responds, "Oh, so now you care? Go!" I'm beginning to wonder if, instead of trying to fix the problems with their current actresses, the casting agents brought Anna in to make everyone else look better.

We join Lady Heather and Marissa, as Lady Heather rubs Marissa's arm and laments that she didn't stick to "the original plan." She asks whether Marissa wants Lady Heather to get "Daddy to go find [Luke]," but Marissa declines. Lady Heather insists that Marissa can't make her debut without an escort, and Ryan approaches to say, "I hear there's a White Knight available." Lady Heather makes no effort to hide her disdain as she says she appreciates the offer, but that it's not appropriate. Marissa, however, is already en route to the dressing room.

Seth sits alone in a hallway, all sad and hunched over. Anna struts up, asking if he could be "any more pathetic -- a lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's gonna be lonely for the rest of his life." He commends her "sensitivity -- it's really, uh, non-existent." She then claims that his problem is that he's "not a man," causing him to say, "Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty!" And really, who does walk up to a heartbroken teen and presume to tell him his problems -- particularly if said problem has anything to do with challenging his manliness? She asks whether he knows what girls find sexy and he responds, "Wait. Let me guess. Dudes who play water polo." With the weirdest delivery yet -- and that's saying a lot -- she announces, "Confidence!" She orders him to "watch this," and then oozes up to him, saying she doesn't have a date to Cotillion, and asking if he'll be her escort. He stutters as she brushes off his jacket and insists, "Confidence, Cohen!" Seth does a turnabout, perhaps momentarily blinded by the shininess, and says, "Let's do this."

As the debs prepare to take the stage, Lady Heather walks the line, appraising makeup, posture, and forcing them to spit out their gum. Because, as my ballet teacher used to say, only cows and girls from Brooklyn chew gum. And please don't send me email if you're from Brooklyn. I really have no idea what that was supposed to mean, and my dance teacher also had an obsessive crush on Leroy from Fame and talked obsessively about his "tushie." So she was no authority on class. In any case, Summer is at the end of the line, wondering how she went from having three dates to having none. In a tight contest, Holly wins this week's bad delivery contest with "I'm sorry, girl. That blows." Seth enters the room laughing with Anna, and Summer saunters over confidently, announcing the good news: she's available! Seth pauses, his face momentarily registering happiness, then he does two Cabbage Patch-esque arm circles and says, "No. Um, no. We're gonna go this way." Hee. Seth and Anna strut off, leaving behind a dissed Summer.

Kirsten studies her program at a table. Sandy approaches, announcing, "Five hundred channels, and nothin' on!" It's very Jack Nicholson. Kirsten asks why he couldn't have put on a tux -- he's wearing a sport jacket and dress pants, not jeans and a t-shirt, mind you -- and Sandy quietly advises her, "Pick your battles, hon." Puberty Lady takes the microphone, welcoming them to the 47th Annual Newport Beach Debutante Cotillion. Meanwhile, in the dressing room, Ryan and Marissa emerge in their formalwear from two separate doors, appearing simultaneously in opposite wings of a three-way mirror. They walk towards each other, but in the mirror, it's as if they're walking away. She asks if he's ready to make his debut. He doesn't answer.

Marissa rushes to the back of the line, holding her dress up practically around her neck. It's not very ladylike. Holly is introduced as the daughter of Greg and Mary Ann Fisher. Greg walks her onto the stage, where an escort bows to her; she curtseys and takes his arm. Anna -- child of Cameron and Patricia -- is . Seth bows. Aw. She curtseys. Eh. Marissa is last. As he walks her onto the stage, Jimmy stops to tell her he loves her, and throws in a "kiddo." She loves him too. Ryan approaches to bow, and Marissa gives him a cute curtsey. It's all very The King and I. We scan the applauding crowd, and Jimmy and Kirsten exchange an amused look. Even Lady Heather has managed not to suck a lemon.

It's time for the waltzing, and the skirt of Marissa's stress is very flowy and pretty. But also? It kind of looks like Saran Wrap. And it doesn't make up for the triple bra straps. We scan dancing couples, including a debonair, waltzing Seth. Ryan is trying hard, but he's not entirely with the music. We get a random, gratuitous shot of Holly, which reminds me that Donna Martin made her debut. She curtseyed all the way to the floor, too. It wasn't pretty. Jimmy proudly watches his daughter, but his revelry is interrupted by Greg, who insists that they didn't finish their conversation, and that he's concerned. Jimmy claims that it can wait until tomorrow, and points out how beautiful the girls look.

We momentarily cut back to the dancers, as Ryan tells Marissa he hates dancing. When she responds, "Wow, thanks," he clarifies that with her it's "not horrible."

Meanwhile, Anna is snitting over Seth's attempts to lead, and then giving him attitude about his attitude.

Greg is also handing out the attitude, explaining to Jimmy sthat he already put in an offer, and with a mortgage on the house and kids in private school, he needs to know if there's a problem. Jimmy flatly says, "Now is not the time," but Greg's not having it. He implores, "Jimmy, where's my money? I asked you a question. Where's my money?" Backed into a corner, Jimmy responds that he didn't want Greg to "find out this way," but that he doesn't have it. Greg's all, "What?" as Jimmy adds that he will have the money, but that he doesn't have it right now. Greg starts to lose it, his voice escalating into a yell as he asks, if Jimmy doesn't have his money, who does? Jimmy takes Greg's elbow and walks him to a more discrete corner of the room, but discretion is relative when someone is screaming in the middle of a fancy ball. If said someone is not a Hilton sister, that is. Jimmy explains that there are problems, but that he's working on them. He cites "some bad investments, some bad accounting," leading Greg to ask if he lost everything. Jimmy tells Greg to keep it down, but Greg won't keep it down because that's his money! That's his retirement! His kids' tuition! Throughout this scene, Greg is getting kind of hands-on with Jimmy, backing him onto the dance floor, until he finally Hulks out, punching Jimmy and yelling, "Son of a bitch!" As Jimmy hits the floor with a thud, the party-goers react (you'd think they'd be used to such scenes by now), including a particularly shocked Marissa. Greg has his hands around Jimmy's neck, stopping the throttling only to throw some more punches, yelling, "You're a thief!" and "You took my money!" Nice guy, that one. Sandy rushes to Jimmy's aid, pulling Greg off Jimmy's back, but then ends up getting clocked, too. Like father, like son, I guess. Ryan gets in on the fight, too, tackling Greg while Holly covers her mouth with her hand. Marissa rushes to her father's aid, while we see Lady Heather slinking down in her seat and covering her face. The fight finally over and Greg restrained, Marissa fusses over Jimmy, while Ryan stands by helplessly.

Afterward. Police. Sandy holds an ice bag to his jaw, and Kirsten says that she hasn't seen him in a fight "like, ever." Sandy claims that now she should know why, and Kirsten defends his performance, saying he was sucker-punched. Kirsten insists that Sandy didn't have to jump in to defend Jimmy, but Sandy explains, "Well, I've always had a thing for the underdog." He suggests that, after he fills out the police report, they go over to Lady Heather's Lair to see how Jimmy is doing. Ryan joins them, apologizing because he promised no more fights, but Sandy is willing to make an exception this time. He thinks the police will have some questions, though, and says, "Now, as your attorney, I advise you: get out of here!"

Seth approaches Ryan, and asks whether he minds if he walks his date home. Ryan checks out Anna, decides he's not into her, and agrees. Well, that's not quite how it goes down, but it's how it looks. Seth points out that Ryan had "quite a debut" and says he really knows how to present himself. He adds, "Finally, a Cohen who can...throw down!" Hee. Seth asks if Ryan wants to join him and Anna, but Ryan says he'll just see them at home. As they head out, Seth asks if he'll get to see Anna again, and she flatly responds, "No." She then grins in explanation, "I know this might sound whatever, but...I'm spending the rest of the summer on a sailing trip...to Tahiti." Oooh, that's bad. Very, very bad. Very the luck of Brandon Walsh. Like the time he met that ice skater and everything was perfect but she had to follow her dreams and so they couldn't see each other anymore. Not that I care, if it spares us Anna for the several episodes, though. Seth's all, "You like sailing?" and then off they go.

Ryan searches through the party for Marissa, finally spotting her outside, leaning on a bench and staring off into the ocean and rubbing her arms from the cold. He walks over to her, and puts his jacket over her shoulders. He asks if she's okay, and she dazedly asks what happened in there. But Ryan doesn't know. She then asks what's going to happen now. But Ryan doesn't know that either. They stand beside each other, and Ryan watches her carefully, and then suggests that he take her home. As they turn to walk back inside, Luke is standing in front of them. And, for the sake of fairness, it's not just the girls on this show who look greasy and old. And also, Luke's hair is also slicked back in an unfortunate way. He came as soon as he heard about the fight, and struggles to say he's sorry about what happened. He wants to take Marissa home so that they can talk, but she tearfully insists that she just needs to be alone right now. Handing Ryan his jacket, she runs off inside, leaving behind Ryan and Luke. Luke inhales deeply and walks away while Ryan remains behind, looking sad and confused.

week on The O.C., Ryan and Marissa splash in the pool. Jimmy has to pay back what he lost, and Sandy thinks Julie won't care, but Jimmy wants to know whose wife he's talking about. Also, Julie contemplates divorce. And Donnie brings a gun to a party! Who's Donnie? We'll find out! Also, the gun? It goes off.