Previously: Di needs a little air, Danny says she can talk to him about anything and does she still like him, huh, does she? Di talks to Sip about her and Danny, and says it's "eating her up" whether Sip is okay with it. Sip mumbles about people having to try to be happy. Dude, you're on NYPD Blue, not Seventh Heaven. There's a little thing called "grit," perhaps you've heard it mentioned before? Happiness is never a priority on this show. All right? Di says if she knew she was going to feel this bad, she never would have started with Ricky. Women everywhere who have felt lust laugh bitterly and say, "Yeah, right." Di dumps Ricky near Bobby's pigeon coop, which unlike Ricky, hasn't been used for a while. See what I did there?
The camera waves around the New York City streets. The sun is shining, people are heading to work, and things are looking gritty. Di's biting her lips and blinking back tears in a booth in a coffee shop. A blonde woman in a purple trench coat walks up and Di smiles behind her tears. Di says she's been having a tough time, and the Blonde says that the Survivors Network really helped her through some tough times. Di pushes a menu towards the Blonde and begins: she's been having sex. Blonde wins my affection by smiling and saying, "That's good." Damn right it's good! God, sex is GREAT! Hooray for sex! Whoops. But Di feels guilty because she "had Bobby's love and violated it" because she missed being touched. Whoa, guilt is bad, very bad. Di seems a wreck and Blonde says, "That's better than being numb." But not as good as getting laid, right? Woo hoo! Then Di says she ended it. Blonde asks if she feels better, and Di says no and begins to cry a little. She doesn't know if she dumped Ricky because of him or because of Bobby. You don't? Di dude, it was totally because of Bobby, and I'm telling you now, it's okay to rebound a little, don't get down on yourself. Blonde pats Di's hand and says it's okay to move on, "Bobby's the one that's gone, you're still here." Oh, huge word.
The subway whooshes towards the camera in a rush of blues and yellows. The credits are gritty. All is as it should be. Except that David Milch is gone and the show sucks now. But reading the recaps is still fun, right? Right?
The river. A police boat chugs grittily through the East River. A yellow tarp covers something up, and Ricky and Sip walk towards it, squinting, squinting. Ricky says, "Aw, geez, what a smell," and a uniform comments, "He must have been dead a week." Another uniform charmingly eats a sandwich right over the bloated corpse, and he and Sip banter about eating with the horrible smell of death lurking, as if they even have to. Like, uh doy, none of us has ever seen a movie where the autopsy tech is eating a sandwich. So the tarp comes back and the corpse is a hugely fat guy who was shot in the head and stuffed in a barrel before being dumped in the river. Nice. Baldwin comes up and says Medavoy is talking to the dockworkers that found the corpse, then Di trots up and things get oh so uncomfortable with Ricky standing right there to the bloated body. Oh, boy. It's tense tense tense until Di walks away quickly and then Sip of course has to say that he thought "things were okay with that," and Ricky says, "That was then," and Sip says, "Maybe it's not about you," and Ricky says, "I guess I wish it was," and then they have a slap fight until Ricky runs away crying like the big giant baby he is.
The stupid electric drums boom hollowly, and we're at the station house. They have an ID on the big fat corpse: it's a Russian guy from Nassau County who may or may not have had ties to the Russian mafia. I love how people say "Russian mafia," as if that makes it sexier or more exotic than the other mafias. I guess the main mafia is Italian, right? Which is still sexy, but not as sexy as all that big-furry-hat-Dr. Zhivago stuff can be. One of the greatest compliments I got in college is when I carried a beeper (I was a nanny, okay?) and one of my professors asked me if I was in the Russian mafia. Whatever those guys do, it has to be way sexier than changing diapers at the zoo. So then we learn that "Ivgenia" -- I shit you not -- has been in Walt Disney World this week and just got back last night. Hope she got to ride the Pirates of the Caribbean once more before they shut it down. Di's going to talk to her today. "Ivgenia," I'm not going to even touch that.
In walks the new ADA, who "mornings" everyone and rolls her eyes at Sip. She strides over to Fancy's office and allows herself a little "aww" moment when she sees his office is vacant. Baldwin rushes up like a hornball, and tells her that Fancy's in computer training and would she like some coffee or to make out or something, and maybe see his ass a little later on? She says yes, but I still think she likes Fancy.
So Ricky gets off the phone. They've found the dead Russian's Mercedes in a chop shop, and he hands all the info over to Sip, ignoring Di who's sitting right to him. Di stalks off as Sip and Ricky get ready to go to the place, with Sip making disparaging comments about the cops in Nassau County. What'd they ever do to you, Sip?
So Sip and Ricky roll up to the chop shop and ask the gritty-looking guy, "Are you Babb-ass?" The guy yells, "Ba-BASS," and then, "City, state, or federal?" I think this guy has seen cops before, do you? So he tells them that a Tristan Gibbs asked him to strip a car, but the car was a Mercedes with "nine alarm systems" and he couldn't touch it, so he parked it in Williamsburg to get stolen. Then he gives up Tristan's phone number, and off go Ricky and Sip to find him.
Station house. Two nearly naked (boxers, if you care about that sort of thing) Chinese men are hauled in, yammering in Chinese. The Asian cop says they were found like this, "yammering" out on the street and that they seem half out of their minds. Yeah, beaten and scratched bloody, too. Baldwin asks what they're saying and the uniform says, "Don't ask me, I'm Korean." Bu-dum-dum. One of the Chinese guys collapses and the other one talks in Chinese. Medavoy starts picking out words because he understands Chinese. It's something about the Chinese guy's sister. We go to commercial.
We're back at the station house. A perky, perky, oh so perky blonde walks in and tells John that she's here to set up the computers. She does have a geek in tow, but this chick seems more like a PR flak than an IT nerd. Oh, whatever, this is Bochco's show now. She says she's going to set up a computer on Sip's desk and John warns her she should ask first, but she insists she's doing the right thing. Mmm-hmm.
A Chinese detective walks in, and Greg greets him with a "Ni hao," which means hello. The Chinese dick says that's good, and Greg demurs with a "xie xie," which I guess is a kind of "aww, shucks, thanks." The dick corrects his pronunciation. Greg goes on to say he just picked up Chinese "as a hobby" and "to talk to cute waitresses." Oh man, how Scooby Doo is this? Jesus.
In walks Ivgenia, to see Di about her husband. She did, I have no doubt. Sorry, she just gave herself away. John pronounces her last name expertly, twice. Yay John! Baldwin strides up, as Di is out, and offers to help. She looks past him and says, "Are no other detectives available?" Ooh, what a dis. Baldwin looks offended. They go to an interview room. She curtly refuses coffee and stands stiffly. Thirty seconds later Di opens the door. She offers a beverage and Ivgenia refuses, more warmly this time. Then -- kaboom -- they're sorry to tell her that her husband is dead. Ivgenia bursts into tears. What will she tell the children? Um, the truth? Oh, who cares? You killed him, you mean meanie. She tells Di, without looking at Baldwin once, that her husband was due home from Russia before they were all to head to Disney World. He never showed up. She doesn't know if he had any enemies and never paid attention to his business. She can take them to his office though. Baldwin says that would be helpful. She flicks her eyes at him and presses Di's hand. Is she coming too? "It would be nice to have a woman." Heh.
Okay, the Chinese dick (I'll call him ChiDick) and Medavoy are talking to the two Chinese dudes. They got in a fight about "snakeheads," which are Chinese gangsters. Oh, there are so many types of mafia in gritty (gritty!) New York City! They should put out a children's book, The Many Kinds of Mafia!. Or, maybe not. So, the one Chinese dude was shaken down because he was smuggled into the country by the snakeheads, who then hit him up for more cash, which he didn't have, because he's just a poor immigrant, see. So the snakeheads took him back to the place he shared with the other Chinese guy, ransacked it for cash and found none, so they cut both the guys up and -- ew -- rubbed salt into their wounds. "Why torture?" asks Medavoy. Because they work at a restaurant, which is usually owned by family. They want money. But the family may not give it up because if they do, it'll happen again. But, it's stickier than that: one guy's sister was there, and got knocked in the head with a radio and raped. The snakeheads have her now. Medavoy says they're going to find her sister. One guy says xie xie. Medavoy says it back.
Sip and Ricky come in with a black guy in cuffs. John looks all buggy, probably because the perky blonde is at Sip's desk putting the finishing touches on his new computer. Predictably, Sip demands she set it up somewhere else because this in 1950, dammit, and we don't use computers yet! He goes off to interview the black guy, muttering, "Booting up, I'll show her booting up."
Ricky and Sip quiz the black guy, Tristan, about the Mercedes he had chopped up. Tristan is Jamaican, mon. "Where would I get a fine ride like dot?" Well, he got it from a Vernon McGee, who called him and asked to have the car chopped. Oh, and he helped stuff a body in a barrel, because he had a barrel around to ship stuff "bock to the islands, mon." Jesus.
Medavoy, in full SWAT regalia, strides down a darkened, gritty hallway. He and the other cops bust into an apartment. ChiDick speaks Chinese and confirms the place is empty. They find a dress covered in blood, then a guy in a closet who was paid to plant the dress. He's a victim of the snakeheads, too. They take him in. Medavoy says to secure the apartment to dust for prints, and then (and then? And then?) ChiDick reminds him the snakeheads are illegal and won't have prints in the system. Um, I'm a citizen -- do I? Shit. Then they get the Scooby Doo plan: go to the restaurant, tape the call from the snakeheads asking for the sister's ransom, then go get her. To the Mystery Machine!
Station house. Sip and Ricky interview Vernon McGee. They think he killed the big fat Russian guy. Vernon says it wasn't him. Like he didn't stab his girlfriend eight years ago? Hey, he did time for that, and he's changed since then! It was "'Genia," she "couldn't take it anymore." I knew it! She shot him with his .45. "Where she's from, you don't call the cops." And then? "We're in love." Oh, man, are you set up. You might as well wrap him in cellophane and shove a stick up his ass, he is a SUCKER, plain and simple. Sip raises his eyebrows and goes to tell the others.
Di and Baldwin are surprised too. Baldwin says, "He may be in love but no way in hell she is. She's across the board racist." Whoa! Di says she "didn't pick that up." They go in to talk to Vernon.
Vernon is like, "You got to bring in a brother?" He tells his story of falling in love. Ivgenia gave him gifts and stuff. She had to kill her husband, he was "an animal." So he helped her clean up the mess. And "tell her everything is going to be okay." The cops leave him.
Out in the hall, they run into the new ADA, and tell her they want to put a tap on Ivgenia's phone. She thought they liked Vernon for the murder, but reluctantly agrees to tap her phone. Then Di asks to talk to Ricky but he brushes her off. Aww!
Medavoy and ChiDick are chilling in a Chinese restaurant, eating what they call in China "food." ChiDick explains to Medavoy that "xie xie" is a humble thing to say when someone does you a favor, but you don't say "xie xie" back. Medavoy says, "That's not a language, it's a code." The head of the restaurant is wearing a lovely yellow satin jacket, and explains that she can't pay the gangster's ransom since they'll just come back for more week. The ransom call comes in, they trace it, and -- boom – we get an action sequence. Lots of SWAT team members, an abandoned gritty warehouse, lots of open space. Medavoy gets to be a hero, finding the girl, bloody and beaten, in a dirty, gritty shower stall, murmuring, "Xie xie." Medavoy gallantly covers her with his jacket. Is this bizzarro Blue or what?
Station house. Ivgenia is back, with her lawyer. Di says they know she had cancelled her husband's plane ticket. She says she did it out of anger. And having the carpets replaced? She gives up having the affair with Vernon. Her husband came in, "got look in his eye, like mad bull, said he can't believe I sleep with this monkey -- excuse my language." Yeah, animal slurs. Vicious stuff. Baldwin visibly reacts. She so did it.
They hammer it out with the new ADA. She wants to put Vernon away because she knows "what a jury will think." Baldwin gets pissed off. Sip says their job is to arrest who they think who did it, and they want to arrest the wife. The new ADA is like, "That weakens my case against Vernon!" Oh, quit crying. Baldwin says he'll go find out what Vernon will do when he finds out his woman is framing him.
Vernon is like, "Oh no, no, no. We're in love!" How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Vernon pop? Baldwin says, "That's what you get when you think with your little head." Vernon says he didn't do it. That's all Baldwin needed to hear.
They go in to arrest I'veAVagina. She says, "That animal says I did it? That lying baboon? This is America, animal stick up for animal!" Yeah we do! And if you don't like it, go back to…oh, forget it.
Wrapping up, Baldwin says thanks to Sip for backing him up, and Medavoy dances in, all happy with the day's excitement. "We saved a girl!" Then, the blonde girl setting up his new computer smiles at him and gives him her card! What a great day! La la la!
Baldwin calls the new ADA cynical for wanting to put Vernon away. "You're saying 'cause I'm black I should do things different?" Baldwin says yeah. "You got your way here, Baldwin, I don't know why you're complaining." I don't like the new ADA. She leaves, saying goodnight to Di. Then Baldwin goes, leaving Di and Ricky alone. He has a minute for her now, he says. They go into the locker room.
"What do you want me to say Diane? Boo hoo? I love you, don't leave me?" Di points and laughs at the big baby. Di says, "You helped me come alive again. I'll always love you for that," kisses him, and leaves. Ricky punches a locker then sucks his thumb.
Sip and Theo are strolling by the river. Theo wants ice cream. "Nilla?" Aww. Sip tries to stop a couple from making out, and the chick rudely says, "Piss off!" Theo echoes, "Piss off!" and gets told never to say that. Then, "Dyaddy, why do people kiss?" Sip says, "Because they love each other." Or, because they're horny. Either one. "Like you love me?" Yeeaaah. "They kissed clo-o-o-se." Sip says that's a boy and a girl kiss, which is different. Mmm-hmm. Do you love Aunt Katie, Dyaddy? Yes. Then why don't you kiss her? Whoops, look at that. Time for ice cream!