Before the "previously on NYPD Blue," they show a warning: This show contains adult language and partial nudity? Language and nudity? Well, my stars! May I make a request now for some dick, please?
Previously on NYPD Blue, Sipowicz feeds fish as he waxes metaphoric to Ricky about keeping a "healthy tank." Ricky defends Neil, whose face looks permanently befuddled. Mrs. Sipowicz is having an expressionless but apparently very important conversation with her husband, and says "you've worked hard to make our life good, Andy. Walk in the park." They exchange meaningful looks. A giant asshole shoots Mrs. Sipowicz. Her last words are, "Take care of the baby." Cut to Sipowicz and Theo in front of their fish tank. Theo says in that little-kid voice, "Are you sad, daddy?" Sipowicz walks down the hall with his face doing an amazing feat: It stays impassive while looking like it's about to break open with sobs.
Okay, we get some gritty, urban-style music and establishing shots of NYC and then Ricky cruises into a hospital. A Blue cop presents his stain-covered uniform to Ricky for inspection, saying, and "You see my stain-covered uniform?" "You got that on parade duty?" says Rick. Apparently during this nameless, event-less parade some guy covered in oil jumped off a float and hugged the guy. "You pay a price for personal charisma," cracks Ricky. "Yeah, it's like I was wearing a 'Hug Me' sign," says the cop. You wear that sign, you pay the price...in hugs. Rick strides over to the ever-confused looking Neil and his scary, Aryan-looking partner, Joe Bradshaw. Sipowicz materializes and asks about the assault (that's why they're in the hospital!). Rick drags them over to a less-trafficked part of the hospital waiting room (as if they could get any privacy there). Sipowicz holds his hands out, like, Well? The guy in the hospital is a "coin-flip," according to doctors. Neil and Nazi-boy saw him "throwing fists" in an alley, they tried to break it up. The perp spit in Neil's face, so they gave him a "minor tune-up." Then they left him alone for an hour, came back and found him near death. Sipowicz flatly asks, "The minor tune-up was irrelevant to what happened subsequent." Uh, yeah boss. Neil sighs, looks hangdog and wipes his head and says, "Whew, that was close!" No he doesn't, but you know what I mean. As if Sipowicz would let cops get away with being brutal (for no good reason). He pulls Ricky aside and asks; "You know what they just did?" Even a guy with Silver Spoons on his résumé sees this coming: "They over-communicated." Go Ricky! Not happy to play clean-up for some nasty cops, Sipowicz mutters about how Neil and Nazi-boy just gave them "a bag of crap to hold," and how Nazi-boy looks as if, in future, he'll be saying, "Here, hold my upcoming bags of crap." Ewww. Ricky gets a page from his stoolie J.B. who has "beeped him 911," which makes me think of the Missy Elliot song, "Beep Me 911." Sipowicz strides off and Ricky stops him for a "personal observation: You are a very attractive man." He then gives Sipowicz a very crisp a-okay gesture. I think this is supposed to be a shout-out to all the increasingly impatient Blue fans who have been pining for the show since they put Once and Again in its place SIX FREAKING MONTHS AGO. (By the way, Once and Again is not Now and Again, the other show I recap for Mighty Big TV. But enough about me.) Sipowicz takes the compliment, looking suspicious and flattered at the same time. I'm sure he agrees. He knows he's the mack.
Whoosh! Credits! Wavy camera work! Pounding drums! Moody synthesizers! Good actors! Nice to see you! Let's never be apart for this long again!
I pay no attention to the commercials except for a cool one for The Practice. Ever notice how that show is a palette of blues? It's like a painting.
Someone's in the diner waiting for Ricky; it's the perp who beeped him 911. He loks like a guy from North Jersey trying very hard to look cool: Stoopid gray old-man hat, 70s polyester shirt, talking in a way no one talks. He orders "eggs benny, home fries and a malt." Then he hisses at the waitress and calls her a "vampire-looking bitch," because she has black hair and eye makeup on. Oh, I hate J.B. J.B. needs Ricky to vouch for some cops because he saw Neil get spit on ("It was a serious loogie -- the kind where you snort snot back and mix it up with spit." Gross!), but took off because Nazi-boy gave him a "laser death-ray look." So, J.B. didn't see the beating take place, but agrees that the guy who's in the hospital could have been re-beaten by the guy with whom he was throwing punches in the alley in the first place. I think ANYONE could see that scenario; what we need is PROOF, sleazebag. Not comforted, Ricky pays for J.B.'s meal (and the one he had last week) with a $20 bill and splits. J.B. smirks at the waitress. Asshole.
Back in the office, Kirkendall sidles up to Diane's desk (where's she's rocking the tank top under her suit jacket, woo!) and says that her lousy ex is actually starting to look good again. He's picking the kids up on time, has a source of income; she thinks: Sounds great. Not. Diane looks incredulous and exchanges doubting looks with Gay John. Kirkendall says, "What can I do? He's the only one who makes me feel this," and she holds a fist up to her chest. What is that, exactly? Heartburn? Gas? An attack of some kind? It's a vague gesture that doesn't look good. "I think he deserves..." Diane leaps in with "A sixth chance?" Finally Kirkendall backs off, saying, "I guess I only wanted your opinion if it was the opinion I wanted you to have." Diane replies, "You don't have to make a logical case for being happy," but really, would Kirkendall be happy with that loser? NO. Kirkendall says wistfully, "It's not like we get that many times at bat," as I scream at my TV, "GO MEET SOMEONE ELSE AND BAT ANEW!" I do not understand people who keep going out with the same losers over and over again. Ricky comes in, gets news of a skel in the pokey with Andy, and "goes to take a piss." That seems like too much adult language for Diane, who virtually blanches. Kirkendall leaves, allowing Diane and Gay John to exchange more looks of the "I-can't-believe-her, what-the-hell-does-she-think-she's-doing" variety.
In the pokey, Jerry the skel is recounting the details the led up to the beating. He gets in a fight with his wife, the kids are crying, he goes to the bar to shoot some nine-ball, the guy he got in a fight with (nicknamed Poodle-Head Mikey!) owed him money, they go outside and are interrupted by Neil and Nazi-boy. The skel said he maybe "nicked Poodle-Head's lip" before the cops stepped in. It's not looking good for the cops right now. Hello, police brutality. Always uncool. After the cops ruined his street fight, the skel went home to make love to his wife (tenderly illustrated by the camera framing his fist making a pumping gesture). The wife will vouch for him because the sex was so amazing that "midway though, she woke up." Sipowicz and Ricky leave to barf, then confer. They need to talk to Poodle-Head. Gay John is checking on his status. He tiptoes over to Sipowicz with a message slip -- Poodle-Head is dead. Upgrade the beating to murder. Sipowicz snaps, "Thanks for the good news," and Gay John runs away, whispering "sorry." It's not your fault, John! So now they have to go back to the alley.
Commercials. I pay no attention.
More establishing shots of beautiful downtown New York, ending at a sign that reads "Shinbone Alley," not to be confused with Tin Pan Alley. Ricky and Sip are there, looking around. Two other cops screech up and leap out. Rick makes fun of their squealing tires ("Stops on a dime, huh?") as Sip tells the two new cops, Mary and Ed, that the assualt case is now a murder. Sip asks, "You got a website on this case?" I think this means an eyewitness. Ricky checks out Mary not-too subtly and she suddenly sticks her fingers in her mouth and whistles REALLY LOUDLY at the bedraggled-looking blonde peeping at them from her fire escape. Sip sticks his finger in his ear and wiggles it around. Ricky rubs his ear and cries. Not really, but he says, "You're lucky nothing shattered." I think he means his eardrums. Mary, super tough, says, "I wouldn't want to get you all stirred up." Ricky starts drooling and goes, "What?" Mary says, "What?" The peeping blonde yells, "What!" They need to talk to her about the assault/murder. She can't right now, yelling "I'm nude!" Woo hoo! But aww, they make her get dressed to go talk to them. Ed mentions that he went to the academy with Nazi-boy and that he's a "good cop." Sip remarks that that's "quite an endorsement." Go Sip!
The peeper is Sara (a speed freak), who looks a little like Gwyneth Paltrow and a bit ike Juliette Lewis did in the Melissa Etheridge video. Scraggly, skinny, knobby knees. Mary plays good cop, promises they won't put her in restraints but that they have to take her in. "I'm cleaning my shower tiles," wheedles Sara the Speed Freak. Sip offers to buy her a brush "of her choice," and waggles his eyebrows at her to show how accomodating he is. Sara perks up, "Oral-B with the rubber tip?" and goes along to the station.
More pounding drums and establishing shots of cop stuff lead Sip, Ricky, Mary, Sara and Ed to the station house. Right as the get through the doors, Neil and Nazi-boy are there. What's Sara doing there? "Someone get her a candy bar," cracks Nazi-boy. Sara murmurs, "I don't want to eat." Ricky says "We're getting her a MARS bar," and he really punches the word Mars. Nazi-boy, all mean, says to Sip, "Didn't we like Jerry? Aren't we on the same team?" Meaning, "Since we're all cops, can't you just overlook the fact that sometimes we beat people down for no reason?" In a word, NO. Sip asks Nazi-boy to move aside so he can do his job, and goes upstairs. Neil gets all worried, Nazi-boy glowers evilly, and Ricky makes some cracks about how Sara is getting in her spaceship and has an "intergalactic travel agent." Just like Sun Ra! Cool.
While going upstairs, Ed protests and wants to stay with Neil and Nazi-boy. Sip collars him and says "your presence up here will be a comfort," meaning "please don't take their side."
So the four cops good-cop and bad-cop Sara until she tells them she was snorting meth the whole time and saw everything. That is, she saw Neil and Nazi-boy beat Poodle-Head up real bad, leave him, then come back just in time for the ambulance. She didn't see anyone else come into the alley. Okay, okay, we get it, the cops beat someone down and killed him! It's not like this has never happened in New York City before, like recently when cops pumped forty-one bullets into an unarmed man. It's not beyond the audience's grasp. Shit fucking happens; it's what the consequences are that matter. Once again, Ed talks about wanting to be downstairs when he is upstairs, which I guess is a not-too-subtle metaphor for the differences between street cops and desk cops. He, on Sip's suggestion, goes out the back door as to avoid the certain wrath of Nazi-boy.
Neil comes up looking -- guess what -- worried, and Ricky says Sara is half a wack job, and that she saw "fifty-foot dueling centipedes." Neil looks -- surprise -- relieved, and offers to impersonate one, so he waves his arms and a leg around. Then Nazi-boy comes up and Neil does his bug impression again. Oh yeah, Kevin Dillon is so much more than just a pretty face -- well, his face isn't as pretty as his brother's, but you know. As the two murderers head downstairs, Nazi-boy shoots a dirty look at Sip, who says, "Oh, God."
Now we get the car as that is bringing us the music of the almost-forgotton artist of the not-so-distant past: Right Said Fred. Too sexy!
Back at the station house, Diane sits in her tank top watching Sip sweat and squirm. He gets out "this is a five-ton bag of crap," before he holds up one finger and goes silent. Diane tilts her head.
Sara the speed freak, looking a lot like Gwyneth now, hands over her written statement to Mary. Ricky says thanks. Sara thanks Ricky for the coffee. Mary and Ricky exchange meaningful looks.
Kirkendall is facing off with Don, her deadbeat ex. Although "they have a stinky one, she's not on it," and she offers to take him upstairs to talk. He supposes "they don't much like me up there," in ethics-land, he means. He says he took their son Kyle to his fitting and bought him the more expensive suit for his first communion because "maybe his son can wear it." Ah yes, little-kid fashions rarely change over a generation. It was $65 extra, but has the funds for it...so why is he giving Kirkendall that look? Is he trying to scam money? Kirkendall says that's okay and that "Kyle will appreciate the gesture." Then Don asks if he can come over and do her after the kids fall asleep and she dances around saying "no." Then she says, "That was nice, about the suit," and Don splits.
Sip and Ricky are in the john, where a file cabinet lives to the urinal, telling another detective about the murder of Poodle-Head. The dick says Sip and Ricky have to interview Neil and Nazi-boy. Finally. Sip, framed by the window, puts his arms on his head in a gesture that reads, "This is going to be tough."
Neil enters an interview room where Ricky waits. Ricky starts right in; he's gonna say when he knows, then Neil is gonna tell the truth. The part about the minor tune-up? "Let go of that, Neil!" They have witnesses to the contrary. "What about what we told you?" stammers Neil. Ricky slams the table with his hand so hard Neil jumps a mile, and stammers "To tell what happened would be to rat out my partner!" Ricky is having none of it and yells, "Find another word for it, because you are going down!" By "it," I think Ricky means "rat." Neil tells the truth -- that after he got a loogie in his face, he backhanded the guy and "insulted every female member of his family." Sounds fair, no? No. That would have been enough for Neil, but Nazi-boy, obsessed with the idea that cops need to be feared to be respected, beat the guy so badly he died. Neil admits that he was afraid of Nazi-boy, and afraid of "what he might do to me," and Ricky kicks himself around the room, moanng, "I kept you out on the street!" Hoo boy.
Nazi-boy strolls into interview room number two where Sip is waiting, perched in a corner like an owl. Immediately he starts barking, "I met all the tough guys I need to! The only beating Poodle-Head got was from you guys!" Nazi-boy tries to keep alive the idea that someone else delivered the beat-down, and Sip reminds him that Neil is a giant pussy who won't be ""holding up that big blue wall." Nazi-boy yells, "I hold my end up!" and Sip grabs his crotch (that's the dick shot I get -- thanks bunches) and booms, "HOLD UP THIS!" Sip calls Nazi-boy a gutless scumbag and THAT'S what really gets N-b's goat, because he starts growling about how HE wanted to bring Poodle-Head in, but his gutless scumbag PARTNER had to go chase the groovy 70s-shirted witness because he didn't want to get busted. His gutless scumbag PARTNER was afraid of getting caught, oh boo hoo! "These are OUR STREETS. I did what had to be DONE," hollers Nazi-boy. What-EVER! I say. We get a shot of Sip's face and then...
Commercial, which is for The Hurricane, a movie about racism, police brutality and a man unfairly jailed for years and years. Oh, are police corrupt? Does the system not work all the time? I didn't realize. And in case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic!
Back in the station, Sip, Ricky, and Diane are hunting-and-pecking away at their IBM Seletrics. Sip's boss ocmes in and says that they might get in trouble for not alerting the IAB. Ricky gets all huffy, saying, "this job makes more sense," but meaning the opposite. Sip, all pot-to-kettle, leaves with a few cautionary words to Ricky about not going out and releasing his frustrations on anyone else. Diane asks Ricky out and gets rejected. She looks real hot in her tank top anyway.
Sip is home with Theo, making dinner. Theo makes sweet little-kid-style background noises until Sip busts out with "Any job you have is to try and [sic] help people. You earn a living and try to help." Theo has no idea what his dad is talking about and says "mashed potatoes!" Sip puts dinner on the table, they say their prayers, Theo squinching up his face as he does, and they eat. "Your mom had the same goal with her job. You had an older brother I'll tell you about, he tried to help too." Theo manages, "I'm helping. I'm-a kiss you." Sip is all like, "You wanna kiss me in the middle of dinner?" Theo makes loud kissing noises so Sip leans across the table to get one. My TV gets all blurry but I can still hear Theo say "I'm helping," and Sip say, "You helped me. Thank you for the kiss." Sniff! So sad!
In Paddy O'Furnitures, Ricky is throwing back a beer. Ed and Mary come in and Ed makes some crack about how the city must be safer with two cops off the street. Ricky says that indeed he does feel safer. Ed says, "You know the case," and Ricky goes "True that." Okay. Then he and Mary look at each other and squirm around just in case you missed that there was sexual tension between them before. Ricky goes to their booth. And Ed splits, saying, "this is without me." So Ricky and Mary are (sitting in a tree!) staring at each other. He says he doesn't like those "disapproving mystery looks" she was giving him all day. She asks, "Are you usually this off-base about what's in people's minds? Because I can really see it screwing up your detective work." Ricky goes, "Anyway." Then she admits she has talked to a girl he dated "twice" and it made her interested in him, because he was so distant and unavailable. Ooh, what a catch. Then she asks, "Do you think there's room for two confused people in the world?" and he, salivating, asks, "Would you like to come home with me tonight?" She says, "Yeah," and he looks down.
Cut to the little-kid art in Ricky's apartment. Mary and Ricky enter the room riding the giant choo-choo train and start riping off each other's clothes. The duck phone quacks and Ricky lifts her bra over her head. News flash for Ricky: Many bras now UNFASTEN. Anyway, we get to see Mary's total boob, until she decides she doesn't want to continue in the doing-it vein. As she put her bra back on (over her head) and gets into her pants, we get to see more boob. Hooray for gratuitous nudity. He says it's okay and that he wants to hold her. She'll need to remove her pants "for holding purposes only." Mary laughs. They cuddle in bed and Ricky says, "When I saw you in the bar tonight I went from wanting a fight to just wanting to keep company with you." SURE you did. No, really, it's sweet that he's not pressuring her. "That's all I wanted," he repeats. SURE it was, I repeat. No really, it's nice.