So I suppose you're wondering what qualifies me to recap this show. Well, I did go to a prep school, although it was in Southern California and was more along the lines of the one in Veronica Mars. Also, I've seen Cruel Intentions, Cruel Intentions 2 and even the third one. Top that!
Welcome to Manhattan! Mysterious voices tell us about how hard it is to get into New York City prep schools. You have to do well academically (mentioned briefly) and have gobs of money (mentioned at length). All the prep schools are in the same general area, so "everyone knows everyone", even if they're at different schools. There's talk of sex and drinking. Gasp! And now we have credits.
Let's see here. We've got Kelli, PC, Jessie, Camille, Sebastian, and Taylor. And lots of views of New York.
PC (18, senior, resplendent in his facial stubble, because when you're 18, you want as much facial hair as you can manage) and Jessie (17, senior, blonde) are seniors and worried about getting into the right college. PC thinks that being rejected by a college isn't the end of the world because you can always make a few more phone calls and get them to reconsider you. Jessie doesn't want to use connections to get places, but PC feels that money is power.
PC introduces himself and talks about money a lot. Apparently, "money flows like the wind". And PC feels bad for people who don't have money. Well, that's nice, I guess.
Jessie introduces herself and talks a lot about fashion. We see her at runway shows and consulting with her personal shopper at Barney's. She's also involved with Operation Smile (for children with cleft lips) and wants PC to get involved in her upcoming event. PC thinks that cleft lips are not the number one priority in the world, so he doesn't want to get involved. Also, he thinks that people are only performing charitable works because it's very "in" right now. Jessie is appalled by PC's eye-rolling dismissiveness, which shows that she doesn't yet realize that he's doing it just to appall her.
! Kelli (16, junior, dark hair, possible silk jumpsuit) lived in the Hamptons but moved back to the Upper East Side because she wants to sing. She and her brother Murray live alone, but their parents come by from the Hamptons once a week. Kelli explains that her mother sometimes cooks when she's there, but she and Murray usually just order in Chinese. Well, that's what you do in New York, isn't it? Kelli tells us that she and Murray usually don't do their homework, but she knows better than to tell her mother that. She tells us (from the high wingback chair the kids do their interviews in) that she quite enjoys being on her own and not having a curfew like everyone else. Then the parents leave.
After Kelli's parents leave, she goes out to dinner with a couple of friends. They tell her they have plans for her and veto her suggestion of taking a year off after high school to go to Europe. And Kelli's friend Megan has invited another friend along. Enter Sebastian (16, sophomore, wavy hair), who kind of looks like a cross between Hardy-Boys-era Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson. I realize that reference is twice as old as anyone in this show, but seriously. Look it up! Sebastian thinks Kelli is hot, and Kelli thinks he looks like he surfs. He also talks like a surfer, in that slowed down mumbly kind of way. He claims to hook up with two or three girls a night. He says "hook up" a lot. As Kelli gives him her number, he interviews that if you go to the right parties, "you can hook up with anywhere between, like, two and sixteen girls in a month." Those are some weirdly specific numbers. And I'm just going to say it: I am not convinced that Sebastian is up to the lofty academic standards we were told about at the top of the show.
Camille (17, junior, long straight hair) is from the Upper West Side. She tells us that her family is wealthy, but not multi-billionaires. She estimates that they're in the top 1% or top half of 1%. See, there's "rich" and then there's "wealthy". You can tell she's the latter because her segment is backed by harpsichord music. She seems pretty pleased about having all that money, which I guess I can understand. She tells us that her entire life is planned out: Harvard, then business head of a genetics firm, then at 40 she'll have a husband and two girls. I assume she'll use the genetics firm's technology to ensure the sex of her children. See, it all comes together!
Camille sits down with her mother and is freaked out about her SAT score. She's only a junior, but she knows she needs essentially perfect scores for Harvard. She fumbles with her phone while panicking about how one score could determine her college life. Well, it's not like she can't take it again. That's the whole point of taking it as a junior. And as the score comes through, we go to commercial.
When we come back, Camille's still hyperventilating. But then her scores come through and she's in the top percentile. She's not thrilled with her result, but she's obviously relieved. Her mother asks if she'll be retaking the test, and Camille thinks she can achieve a perfect score. She also needs some community service to beef up her extracurriculars, although she's not really interested in anything other than "doing whatever it takes to get into Harvard". Camille kind of freaks out at the pressure and insists on being allowed to breathe, although as far as I can tell, her mother is just kind of sitting there and not really leaning on her.
Taylor (15, sophomore, public school kid) has some private school friends and doesn't have as much money as the ones who can take car services everywhere and have fancy lunches and dinners all the time. Marci, Taylor's single-mom mother, is bugged by Taylor's Blackberry. I guess she doesn't care for the texting. She also doesn't care for the news that Taylor's having a party. Taylor explains, "I'm having a party because it's important to be perceived to have, like, status and money, 'cause, y'know, it kind of like changes how people think about you and how they talk to you." Marci insists on knowing who's coming to the party, and Taylor won't tell her. All she'll admit that it's her friends and not necessarily her friends from school. Finally, Taylor says in an excessively formal manner, "I have to get back to my homework, mother." Marci smiles and says "All right, daughter" and they share a laugh. As soon as Marci walks away, the Blackberry is back out.
Sebastian calls up Kelli so they can go shopping downtown. He greets her with a big, unexpected hug, but she still isn't sure if he's into her. They shop for clothes, meaning that she puts on clothes while he sits on a chair. Sorry I don't have more detail on that. Sebastian tells us that he could imagine Kelli as his girlfriend, but he'd "rather hook up with as many girls as I want." Suddenly! Camille calls Kelli to tell her that Taylor's having a party. Remember Camille and Taylor? Camille says that it's fine if Kelli brings Sebastian.
Taylor is very interested in networking and meeting as many people as possible. She claims that this is important "in New York", but I notice no one ever explains why something is important in New York in particular. I mean, being fabulously wealthy presumably comes in handy pretty much wherever you are. Anyway, Taylor is pleased to be giving the party herself for once instead of going to someone else's. The party is at a Japanese restaurant because, as Camille explains, you don't really have as many house parties in Manhattan.
It looks like a pretty popular party. Someone asks Taylor where some people are from, and the subtitles claim she asked, "Where are they from? Upper East?" I don't think that "Upper East" was actually said. Anyway, Taylor's answer is "around!" Taylor is worried about the public school and private school kids mixing. Camille finds the crowd anxious and nervous, and Kelli decides not to talk as much as Camille because that way she'll enhance her social status. Then Sebastian shows up, and he seems pretty interested in the idea of a party that's all girls except for him.
Sebastian is extremely popular among the girls, especially Taylor. Kelli decides that she wants to leave now that she doesn't have exclusive Sebastian rights, and Camille goes with her after making fun of Sebastian to his face. Luckily, Sebastian does not appear to have enough self-awareness to notice the mockery.
Mid-commercial bonus content: Jessie shops for clothes. Apparently she hates Gossip Girl because they film on her block and make her favorite places too popular.
The scene is apparently at a place called Apiary. There are fewer bees than I was hoping for. It must be that Colony Collapse Disorder I've been hearing so much about. Jessie's there with her friend Zoe talking about a place to buy clothes. Zoe confides that sometimes she wears clothes that cost less than twenty dollars. Scandalous! Jessie says that it's because she's "so downtown". Hey, there's nothing wrong with extremely cheap clothes. If you want to be properly snobbish, then everything you wear should either have cost you thousands of dollars at incredibly exclusive stores or have been picked up for a pittance at a garage sale somewhere. Jessie's going to a fashion event where she'll meet fashion people. Zoe wants to know what the deal is with Jessie going places with PC, but Jessie swears that they're just best friends now. They used to date. Oh! and Jessie says there's a gossip group on Facebook. That's ... not news. I guess it's specifically gossip about their circle.
PC's car pulls up and Jessie gets in. PC wants her to introduce him to people because he won't know anyone, but Jessie insists that PC's job will be to help her break the ice with people. PC takes the opportunity to quote Jessie describing his charming ways and how he'll get eaten by a monster or something.
Fashion event! Clothes! Paintings! PC is not impressed and makes fun of the trendy people. Jessie networks furiously, claiming to be interested in PR or whatever the person in front of her does for a living. Kelli is also at the event, having invited Camille along. PC apparently knows them and goes for the European double-kiss, which Camille makes fun of in an interview. Well, she actually compliments his confidence, but it looks like she's mocking. Jessie looks a little ticked off by PC talking to girls who aren't her. Camille tells us that Jessie is considered a bitch, and Jessie assures us that of course she wasn't mad that PC was off talking to other women. No, no, no. She wouldn't dream of being angry about that. PC interviews that Jessie doesn't want new friends so she's a little rough to new acquaintances. PC and Kelli exchange numbers. Kelli appears smitten. Camille mentions that everyone has Blackberries and that it's very New York. Again, I've seen Blackberries even way out here in the wilds of Washington. Actually, it's mostly iPhone country out here, although I understand that Microsoft employees have to use the official Microsoft phone.
Sorry! Got distracted. Jessie makes PC leave with her and then refuses to have a conversation about Kelli and Camille. Jessie has no interest in meeting people her own age and would prefer to network with professionals.
PC rolls into Jessie's place and tells her that she looks like her mother's wedding picture. Zoe agrees and tells Jessie she could be marrying her dad right now. Unsurprisingly, Jessie finds this line of conversation weird. PC tells Jessie that he's going to have dinner with Kelli, and Zoe shuts down. Luckily, Zoe is there to needle him. PC claims that it's not a date, but Jessie says that if it's after 7 PM, it's a date. It's awkward.
Marci and Taylor shop for clothes, and Taylor tells us for a second time that her parents are divorced but she lives with her mother most of the time. Marci probes for information about the party and Taylor makes the basic mistake of mentioning Sebastian. So now Marci has a boy's name and demands details. Taylor is texting Sebastian while in the store.
In a weird pink-and-purple place, Sebastian and his friend Gabe (who has hair almost as floppy as Sebastian's) are having a double-date with a girl named Remy and, um, someone else for Gabe. Sebastian pretends to be able to speak French, and Remy buys it. Sebastian is emphatically unattached and gets a kiss from Remy at the end of the date.
Camille and Kelli arrive for dinner with PC. PC is thrown a bit because he wasn't expecting Camille to be there. Kelli and Camille grill PC about Jessie and he admits she can be a bit short with people she doesn't know but mostly defends her and her ways. When he mentions Operation Smile, Camille asks for more information because she needs a cause. Remember earlier in the episode when she didn't have a cause? Do pay attention. This'll go much more smoothly. Camille wants PC to put in a good word for her with Jessie so that she, Camille, can get on the board of Operation Smile.
PC does not like the steak, although Camille and Kelli think it tastes good. PC explains that he's very picky about his food and tells them about a recent fugu experience he had. It was apparently good. He wants to know what Kelli's doing on Friday, but she's grounded for a couple of days. Camille says that her groundings are much shorter than they used to be and PC does a magnificently above-it-all "Groundings. Hm!" He mocks them for being so much (i.e. "one year") younger than him. He asks if they're twelve, and Camille immediately tells him that he's being abrasive. In an interview, PC describes them as "[bleep]ing young bitches". That got to him!
Deciding that Kelli is beneath his lofty standards, PC joins Jessie the day at a bar. Or something. He tells her he doesn't want to date anyone and that he's done with "the high school crowd". Jessie offers to help him meet someone, but he doesn't know what he wants. He tries to make a joke out of his frustration, but when he throws a bottle of water across the table, Jessie isn't having it. She tells him he's got a shitty attitude and won't make up with him. After Jessie leaves, calling him immature (interesting fact: immaturity is the worst thing in the world to a senior in high school), PC gets bleeped a few more times. Then he has a drink.
Later that night (or another night, I don't really know) PC calls Jessie. She's hurt that he threw a bottle of water at her and he eventually apologizes. Then she makes fun of him for being at Columbus Circle like a tourist. He promises to go buy a fanny pack. Heh.
Okay! Well, I didn't actually hate that. Weird!
You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.